RaisingKids May 2011

May 2011

Mother's Day Step moms step up for some recognition!

Learning through play 18 - 24 months

Subscribe to our monthly newsletter and win - click here!

Kiddies craft It's so easy - make mom a Mother's Day coupon book!

Tween independence No longer a baby, not yet a teen

http://www.raising-kids.co.za/woolworthswrewards.aspx

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Publisher TLG Publishing (Pty) Ltd. Managing Editor Tracey Garde editor@raising-kids.co.za 082 460 6007

editorial comment Mothers make the world go round...

An article in a popular magazine recently posed the question “Do children really make you happy?” According to the article, recent research in America has revealed that couples who choose not to have kids are happier than couples with kids.

Advertising sales@raising-kids.co.za

As a mother, I was somewhat surprised to learn this. My initial reaction was that surely this research couldn’t be accurate. Or perhaps the writer was in some way biased... Either way, whether the results truly revealed the truth or not, I don’t believe that any parent (and especially the mothers out there) would ever believe that their lives could have been any ‘happier’ without their kids.

Copy Editor Sharon de Beer info@raising-kids.co.za 012 667 3935

Who could ever forget the first time you saw your baby on an ultrasound scan, the emotion when you met your child for the first time, the joy at the first tooth, words, steps – each and every moment is precious and as our kids grow up, so our moments with them define our relationships and deepen our love for them.

Art Director Heidi Amrouni eye2design@iafrica.com General enquiries info@raising-kids.co.za

I cannot personally imagine any other type of similar relationship; and for those who choose not to venture down the path of parenthood (each to their own), I do hope that these people manage to achieve this type of fulfilment elsewhere in their lives, for it would be indeed a shame to miss out on such a wonderful experience as parenthood.

As this is our ‘Mother’s Day’ issue, I thought it appropriate to share the following extract with you: Mothers are...

By Wilma Dykeman

Photographer Wayne Potgieter 082 853 6873 wayne@digisky.co.za Visit our website for advertising deadlines, technical specifications and advertising rates www.raising-kids.co.za General competition rules: Winners will be notified telphonically or by email. Prizes are not transferable nor may they be exchanged for cash. The judges’ decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

Cover photo credit: Naomi Estment www.ovpstudio.com naomi.e@mweb.co.za

Mothers are... Well, precisely what are we? Many things to many people. To small boys we are a voice that rudely interrupts ball games, television programs and long thoughts at the breakfast table; we are hopeless addicts of soap and water; purveyors of galoshes and spinach.

To husbands we often appear as eternal sleepwalkers, domesticated Lady Macbeths lowering windows, pulling up blankets at all hours of the night; or, to shift images as swiftly as we shift characters, we’re strange jungle creatures who can be transformed from mousy housekeepers to savage tigresses defending our young and our home against all enemies, real or imagined.

To teachers we are pitiable and troublesome females, with remarkable clarity of vision when viewing others’ children, but afflicted with almost total astigmatism when looking at our own chicks.

To the gay, unattached wolves of the world we must seem a dreary lot, smelling by turns of pablum, fresh laundry, peanut butter, and the smoke of a hundred cookouts. Our witty repartee consists of Cub Scout jokes, and Paris designers never saw the teenaged daughter’s rejected suit we’re wearing.

To politicians we are a handy word to invoke in oratory; to stray dogs we are an easy ‘touch’; and to doctors a necessary evil.

We spank, scold, hope, pray, prod, defend and sometimes we succeed in the delight and drudgery of rearing the best children in the best way we know.

And, yes, along the way we have also the partnership and influence of someone called a father.

We give our children a dozen lessons in self-reliance – and then we choke back tears when they go out to put our preaching in to practice.

When they’re babies we think they’ll never grow up and suddenly one morning we wonder if they were ever children.

Something deep inside us often makes us saddest when we’re gladdest and if we could stop the clock several times a day, we would.

Bless us, protect us, forgive us – we mothers are almost as varied, contradictory and wonderful as the human race itself.

Postal Address PO Box 67269, Highveld, 0169 South Africa Tel: 012 667 3935 Fax: 086 515 5487 ISSN 2070-6219

All work published in RaisingKids DigiMag is protected by copyright. Only with written permission from the publisher may any part of this digimag be reproduced or adapted in any form. We welcome contributions to RaisingKids DigiMag, but the publisher of this digimag retains unrestricted rights to edit submitted material. We do not accept responsibility for material submitted and can not guarantee the return of any original material. The publisher’s opinion is not necessarily that published in RaisingKids DigiMag and the publisher does not accept any liability of any nature that may arise from the contents of this digimag.

RaisingKids - May 2011

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From April

to July 2011, RaisingKids and The Mount Grace Country House & Spa will be offering readers the opportunity to win a luxurious one

night stay for two adults, including all meals and two spa treatments, valued at R7 320! T & C’s apply.

Click here to enter.

Mount Grace Country House & Spa, surrounded by 10 acres of lush gardens in the magnificent Magaliesburg Mountains, is a true haven of natural elegance. It is the ideal environment to unwind and dissolve the stress that comes with the challenges of parenting. Enjoy the magnificent views of the mountains and valleys while taking in the fresh country air amidst the ‘din’ of nature at work.

The award winning luxury spa offers a sanctuary to refresh body, mind and spirit. Ignite the imagination and rediscover yourself in the relaxed tranquility of the famed hydrotherapy spa, which has a jacuzzi, waterfall and sound flotation pool. For more information visit www.mountgrace.co.za or contact 014 557 5600.

Children over 12 welcome.

Breakaway for Mother’s Day! Click here to find out about The Mount Grace Country House & Spa Revitalise spa pamper packages…

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contents Editor’s Comment

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Mothers make the world go round.

News and reviews

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Letterbox with Huggies

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Send us a winning letter and Huggies will send you a R500 hamper!

Learning through play

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Penguin book review

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Your Sensory Baby by Megan Faure

Learning through play (18 - 24 months)

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Once baby has found her legs, the fun really starts...

Mother’s Day feature – standing up for step moms

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Bianca Morley shares her insight on what it takes to be a step mom.

Standing up for step moms

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Mother’s day craft

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Make mom a Mother’s Day coupon book – it’s so easy!

Tweens: Inbe ‘tween’

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Neither baby nor teen – encouraging your child toward independence.

Mother's Day craft

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RaisingKids - May 2011

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news&reviews

Huggies has heart

www.huggies.co.za

The Walter Sisulu Paediatric Cardiac Foundation (WSPCF) is dedicated to ensuring that underprivileged children in Africa requiring corrective cardiac intervention are assured of getting the help they need irrespective of their ability to pay for it. Huggies® has undertaken to make a cash donation of R140 000 and they are also encouraging others to do the same. Make a difference this Mother’s Day - SMS ‘heart’ to 38208 to donate R10 to help save a life.

www.wspcca.org.za

Pooh Bear is coming to town In celebration of Walt Disney’s upcoming (13 May 2011) release of Winnie the Pooh in cinemas across South Africa, fans of all ages will be able to participate in a magical interactive story-telling experience and have the chance to meet everyone’s favourite bear, Winnie the Pooh and his good friend Tigger!

Shopping centres in Gauteng and Cape Town will play host to this unique event which is kindly sponsored by Huggies. Daily performances which will inspire toddlers, tweens and the young-at-heart alike will take place at 10:00, 11:30, 13:00, 14:30 and 16:00 at the following dates and venues: 6 – 8 May: Fourways Mall, Junxion Court, Lake Level (no 16:00 show on Sunday 8 May)

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RaisingKids - May 2011

Feeding the hungry on National Soup Day – 26 May 2011 www.nationalsoupday.co.za

Denny, South Africa’s premier canned soup range has embraced National Soup Day and is leading South Africa to make sure that those living in our poorest communities can also enjoy a good hot meal when they need it most. Denny will donate 50c worth of soup for each can of Denny Soup sold in May and June 2011 to FoodBank South Africa, a non-profit organisation that secures quality food for the hungry, helping to alleviate hunger and malnutrition in South Africa. There are approximately 11 million people in South Africa who do not know where their next meal will come from* and one in five children under the age of nine suffers from stunted growth as a result of malnutrition**. By simply purchasing a can of Denny soup on National Soup Day, as well as throughout May and June, not only will your own pantry be stocked with warm hearty goodness, but you’ll be sharing the love with your fellow South Africans. * Source: General Household Survey, 2009 ** Source: Medical Research Council, 2008 Visit www.nationalsoupday.co.za for more information.

13 – 15 May: Canal Walk Shopping Centre, Central Promotions Court With the charm, wit and whimsy of the original featurettes, this all-new movie reunites audiences with the philosophical “bear of very little brain” and friends Tigger, Rabbit, Piglet, Kanga, Roo – and last, but certainly not least, Eeyore, who has lost his tail. Narrated by John Cleese and inspired by five stories from A.A. Milne’s books in Disney’s classic, hand-drawn art style, this adventure can be shared by the whole family.

news&reviews

Walk the World to End Hunger On Sunday 29 May 2011,

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www.tnt.com

TNT Express together with hundreds of thousands of people will ‘Walk the World’ to highlight the global battle against child hunger. The walk includes over 70 countries in 24 time zones, across 24 hours and five continents from Australia to the Great Wall of China, to Windsor Castle and our very own Jozi in order to create awareness of the ongoing issue of hunger that affects one in every 10 children globally.

Join TNT Express as well as some of SA’s favourite celebrities as they walk the End Hunger! Walk the World 2011 relay, raising funds and awareness for the millions of children that attend school hungry every day.

Event details:

End Hunger! Walk the World 2011

Distance:

5km

Date:

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Time:

8am

Venue:

National Pretoria Zoo

Bookings: Daniela Carrozzo at TNT Express on 011 437 3300, MarketingZA@tnt.com Registration: R70 for adults and R40 for children, no charge for kids under three years.

Isidingo's Jack Devnarain at WTW 2009

Sabc Education Baba Indaba jets into Pretoria and Midrand this May This year’s SABC Education Baba Indaba Pretoria show is being held from 27 – 29 May 2011 at the Gallagher Convention Centre in Midrand. Doors open from 10h00 until 18h00 each day and entry is R50.00 at the door for adults, while kids gain free access.

Grandparents are admitted free on Friday. Tickets can also be purchased online. When you purchase your tickets, you don’t just get an affordable entry to a fantastic expo, you also get to make a difference: The Red Cross Children’s Hospital Trust will receive 5% of the income from the ticket sales.

Remember that SABC Education Baba Indaba is not just about babies, toddlers will love to see the muppets from Takalani Sesame performing daily shows on stage. They also get to meet and play with them, learning numeracy, literacy and life-skills knowledge in the process. Children may have a chance of meeting their favourite characters in person and having their special picture taken.

Hannah - the radiant face of SABC Education Baba Indaba 2011. Precious daughter of proud parents Zarina Ejack and Azaad Carrim. This winning picture was taken by Character Kids.

Go to www.babaindaba.co.za to discover more of Baba Indaba’s inspirational and motivational ideas, special entrance price offers, as well as to subscribe to the visitors’ newsletter and

www.babaindaba.co.za

receive information on special show offers and notification for upcoming expos.

RaisingKids - May 2011

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Letterbox Heading

LetterB

x

www.huggies.co.za

Our winning letter Motherhood, the ‘guilt factor’ and MEE I was very fortunate (I now believe) to have been able to spend the first five years at home with my children and while I understand that many moms have to return to work for financial reasons, I would like to share what I have learned in hindsight (my kids are now teens) with other moms who may be grappling with the dilemma of whether or not they should return to work when they are financially well-off enough not to have to.

All mothers grapple with guilt – whether you go to work or stay at home. When you are at home, you feel guilty that you are not contributing financially perhaps, or that you are not making the most of your career opportunities – especially if you have suffered through university and now spend most of the day changing nappies. When you are at work, you feel guilty for not being at home, especially if your child is ill – three days paid compassionate leave a year just doesn’t cover even one child, let alone two.

When you are at home, there will be moments when you will feel ’left behind’ for having had to forego your career in order to stay at home for your kids; there will be moments when you yearn for the appreciation of your efforts that earnings bring; there will be moments when you want to scream with frustration, boredom and loneliness! When you are at work, you will beat yourself up for not being there to see baby’s first steps and you will worry constantly about whether your baby is being properly cared for in your absence; very often you will only have one or two hours with your baby before bedtime and you will feel guilty for not being able to spend more time with him.

Obviously the best scenario is to find a balance between motherhood and career; to work from home or to find something flexible or half-day that will keep you sane, but still allow you time with your children. But that is really tough to do unless you’re in a profession that lends itself to this opportunity. It is indeed so sad that many companies in South Africa do not see the benefits of ‘job sharing’ as other first world countries do – where moms can fit in both career and kids. If you are able to find a ‘half-day’ job, it is generally poorly paid and you are usually still expected to do a fullday’s job in a half-day by unscrupulous employers who strangely believe they are ‘doing you a favour’ by employing you half-day!

workplace for so long that I had to start at the bottom all over again! But ask me, 10 years later, if I have any regrets of having spent those five precious years with my kids and the answer will most definitely be "No!" I was able to catch up on my career eventually, but I could never have replaced those lost years with my children.

Connie Anderson

Hi Connie, I agree that this is a dilemma for any modern mother. We have been provided with equal opportunities in the work place, but still not on the home front! There are very few dads willing to stay at home and raise the kids – methinks they know just how tough it is! We are, as women, blessed in that we are able to do so much and be available for so many – and yet we still feel guilty, whatever the choice we make, that we are not able to do it all!

Being a stay-at-home mom or going back to work is, at the end of the day, a very personal choice for every mom. I firmly believe that a miserable mom at home is not going to have happy children and the opposite is also true. Finding a balance is key and I agree that there should be more flexibility within the work place to accommodate staff parenting requirements. Hands-on parental care is an important requirement in order to raise a welladjusted confident future generation of productive adults, so ‘job sharing’ for mothers, is indeed something to consider. I would like to see every company have a MEE (Mother Empowerment Equity) rating as well as a BEE rating – now there’s a thought!

Regards, Tracey

www.huggies.co.za

After five years at home and having not found a half-day position, I just had to return to work as my sanity was severely at risk and we could no longer do without the extra income. I braced myself and headed back to the world of adults. I had been out of the

Letterbox: The author of the winning letter will receive a Huggies® hamper to the value of R500. Simply send us your ‘Letter to the Editor’ to editor@raising-kids.co.za.

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RaisingKids - May 2011

Book review

THE PAINLESS ROUTINE FOR HAPPY DAYS AND PEACEFUL NIGHTS ABOUT THE BOOK: Your Sensory Baby is a book that every new mother needs to have in her home. For the first time, bestselling author, mother and occupational therapist, Megan Faure reveals the four sensory personalities and how these match with a parent’s sensory personality.

Worried about why your baby is crying? Not getting enough sleep? No time to yourself? Your Sensory Baby shows you that the answers to all these problems, and more, lie in understanding how to read your baby’s body language and signals.

Stunning photography and easy-to-use graphs and tables help moms to create a baby-centric routine so that they aren’t struggling to get their baby to sleep when he or she is awake and wants to play.

Understanding your baby’s senses will help parents to avoid over-stimulation, a leading cause of colic. Your Sensory Baby reveals the key to your baby’s contentment and sleep, through an understanding of his or her sensory world and signals.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Megan Faure is an occupational therapist who has worked in paediatrics in the USA and South Africa for more than a decade.

She is an active member of the South African Institute for Sensory Integration (SAISI), and she is the founder and chairperson of the Infant Sensory Integration Training group.

Megan has a BSc, OT and OTR, and she lectures to both professionals and parents on various baby and childcare issues.

She is an author of three previous books and writes for several regional and national publications in the UK and South Africa. Megan is married with a son and two daughters. Click here to find this book online: www.penguinbooks.co.za RaisingKids - May 2011

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Run baby run!

Learning through play (18 to 24 months)

If you haven’t yet lost your ‘baby’ weight then this is the time when you will most likely shed those extras kilos. Why? Well, quite frankly, once baby has truly ‘found her legs’, you may feel that you will never sit down again because at the very time she is mastering the art of hands-free walking and running, your toddler will also have developed an insatiable curiosity that will have you in hot pursuit as you try to prevent her from landing in trouble (or causing it!). Unless you physically tie her down, daily events such as eating (never mind enjoying) a meal are going to be pretty much a thing of the past, with you frantically grabbing a mouthful here and there while simultaneously trying to keep her within sight. My advice? Invest in a high chair and a couple of toys to keep her occupied in it even if she isn’t actually eating, so that you can eat at least. Believe me, you are going to need the fuel and energy to chase her around over the next few months…

Keeping baby within view without ‘penning’ her in will be a new challenge; and that is precisely why there are so many toys for this age and stage – you will be spoilt for choice! Be prepared to spend a pretty penny on toys for the next year or so, not only because they will occupy your toddler so that you can find some much-needed and sorely missed me-time, but also because that little brain needs so much stimulation now and you will simply not be able to resist buying everything that caters to it! Just simply witnessing the glee with which baby responds to each new offering will spur you on to seek out every type of enjoyable toy that will light up her little face. This is when toy-shopping starts in earnest!

A toddler’s improved mobility will mean that she can confidently reach, grasp and carry things, albeit only using two hands initially. Fine motor skills are steadily improving which will open up a whole new world of knob-turning, twisting, prodding and pressing. These activities will refine hand-eye co-ordination as well, so investing in activity playsets that incorporate them, is advisable.

Yay for the great outdoors! Uh, or not! While you may have (BC – before children) perceived the park playground to be harmless, you will now look upon it with an entirely different perspective… It will now seem more of a ‘Survivor’ obstacle course which you will have to navigate with your toddler, hoping that both you and she come out at the other end unscathed! Slides, trampolines, jungle gyms, merry-go-rounds, seesaws and swings will have her enthralled, but can be

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RaisingKids - May 2011

Your baby

hazardous without adult supervision, which means you will be in for some serious boot camp yourself! But using her body in an energetic and expressive way is important in order for her to build balance, co-ordination and strength. At the same time, she is learning to use the apparatus correctly as well as learning about the necessity of exercising caution, so don’t deny her the experience because you are afraid she may hurt herself. If you are really concerned, see if there is a play-park in your area which is segregated into areas with activities for different ages and stages.

Key milestones at this stage will include learning to squat, run, kick a ball and attempting to jump up and down. Strengthening muscles and flexibility can be encouraged through investing in apparatus such as mini-trampolines, climbing frames, starter seesaws and swings (with safety features), and investing in a sandpit or water pond with appropriate paraphernalia such as spades and buckets will encourage safe exploration of textured play.

As your toddler moves towards 24 months, ‘pretend’ play becomes really important as she should now develop a sense of what is and isn’t ‘real’.

Contrary to popular belief, pretend play such as ‘playing house’ benefits boys as well as girls, so if you can, invest in either an indoor or outdoor playhouse (if you have a son and it bothers you, you can call it a ‘tool shed’ if you like!) that can enhance imaginary play. Remember that the home environment is your toddler’s first point of reference, so it is perfectly normal that he or she may wish to re-enact certain activities that he or she has seen mom and dad engage in.

Do not become hung-up on gender issues when choosing toys; there is no harm in your son wanting to play with a doll or your daughter with a train set.

Make yourself available to join in ‘pretend’ and other aspects of play.

Toys enhance play and there is nothing better than having mom play along too. Not only will you strengthen the bond between you and your child, but you will have utilised the toy to its true potential and very often, increased the interest value for your toddler.

It is very important that you engage in conversation with your toddler during playtime as well, as this will help her cognitive development tremendously. Reinforce her efforts to communicate and use playtime to discuss the toys and their qualities, for example, “This is the blue car and that is the red car. I like the red car. Which car do you like?” This is not meaningless talk – you are providing her with words that will promote cognitive thinking which will help her discover her world in context as well as expand vocabulary.

Reading should already be part of your daily routine and your toddler’s bookshelf should acquire at least one new book a week which, if carefully

RaisingKids - May 2011

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Your baby

Top tips

for toddlers • Choose toys that will address each area of learning, but exercise patience and remember to show first and not to expect immediate understanding.

• Pack away and then re-introduce any toys that she has temporarily lost interest in at a later date, rather than overpurchasing and having her bored (and you broke) with everything eventually.

• Toys enhance play but are not a substitute for your attention; toddlers selected, will increase her understanding of her world and expand her vocabulary. She will love pointing at recognisable objects and shouting the words out loud when she pages through a ‘100 first words’ book. She may even show preference for certain topics such as fairies (or dinosaurs), sparking a collection of similarly themed books.

Of course the down-side to increased cognition is that she will also acquire an understanding of how to twist you

specifically need your engagement and

attention, and will not be easily fobbed off with toys as a substitute for it.

• Allocate a part of your day specifically towards playing with your toddler. Start creating an understanding with your toddler that while you commit to playing

around her little finger and this age is often accompanied by

with her at a specific time, you also have

a fierce jostling for power of the “I want it and I want it now!“

times when you are unable to play. The

type. You would do well to understand that while your toddler

sooner you establish a daily routine

has acquired a level of cognitive ability, it is still very limited

including a specific hands-on ‘playtime’ the

when it comes to understanding and governing emotional

better.

experiences. Encouraging the learning of empathy is vital, so use toys such as dolls, hand puppets and books to help her

• Start teaching her to pack away and

make sense of the emotional world. The sooner she learns to

take care of her toys. Invest in a system

relate to feelings of others and has the language to express

which will easily compartmentalise and

her own feelings, the better off she (and you!) will be. Very

store toys so that you can avoid losing

often, temper tantrums are a result of sheer frustration at simply not being able to make head or tail of what she is feeling.

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RaisingKids - May 2011

them (or their various parts) which could mean having to throw them out.

http://www.raising-kids.co.za/ myschooltravel.aspx

http://www.raising-kids.co.za/ myschooltravel.aspx

Standing up for step moms

Photo credit: Naomi Estment, www.ovpstudio.com, naomi.e@mweb.co.za

Historically, stepmothers have always had a bad rap,

– and they are not vilified, but applauded. In an age where

especially in popular literature. In Disney’s fairytale Cinderella,

more freedom of choice has meant that couples with children

we are (at a very impressionable age) introduced to the

do not need to remain unhappily (ever after) together, having

notion that a step mother is evil personified. Cinderella’s

one, two or even more step parents as part of a ‘new age’

stepmother is not even given a name, she is simply and

family is increasingly common, so perhaps we should be re-

stereotypically referred to as the ‘stepmother’ – one has no

writing the fairytales...

need to name a monster after all; a monster is a monster!

Bianca has been step mom to Greg (now 16) and Caitlin

For many of us, the very thought of being raised by

(now 12) for the past five years. Fortunately she is also a

anyone other than your own biological mother, may seem

mother to son Jayson, now 10 years old, so she has the

unnatural and abhorrent. To most mothers, the thought of

necessary insight as both a mother and a step mom, to share

anyone else raising your children is even more difficult to

her first-hand experience on the issues facing step parents.

come to terms with. But adoptive parents do it all the time

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RaisingKids - May 2011

“Initially, when I was first introduced to Mark’s kids I was

Parenting

terrified, eager to impress and desperate for them to accept

the ‘outsider’ on these issues for now, maybe forever. You

me. After all, I considered myself a reasonably nice person,

have to respect and accept the situation and rather work on

a good mother to my own son and I was in love with their

improving your relationship one-on-one with the kids in this

father. They hated me from day one!” she laughs. “This is

scenario,” she says sadly.

absolutely normal though I realised; after all, not only was

“It has taken time and effort, but Greg and Caitlin have

I viewed by them as usurping their mother’s position (even

gradually warmed to me. I try never to override their mom’s

though Mark had been single for 18 months already), but

wishes and not to impose my own parenting style on them. I

they also viewed me as a threat and competition for Dad’s

only venture as close as they will allow me and I view myself

love and attention. It’s a really confusing time for everyone,

as a ‘significant other’ in their lives, rather than a replacement

especially the kids involved,” she adds with empathy, “so you

mom. You don’t love someone else’s kids like your own,

have to try and not take the initial rejection to heart, remain

that much is true, and they will never love me like they love

the ‘adult’ and exercise patience and compassion.”

their own mother either (nor would I ever expect it), but I do

“It was relatively easy for Jayson to accept Mark in my

have the same protective feelings for them as I do for Jayson

life on the other hand, because he does not remember his

and they are a welcome part of my life. Caitlin and I enjoy

own father, but Greg and Caitlin perceived Jayson as an

shopping together and she will sometimes ask me for my

additional threat.” “Fortunately Mark’s kids stayed with their

opinion and guidance as she might an older friend, which I

mom,” Bianca continues “so we were allowed to get to know

am happy to give; she is a lovely caring child and since she

one another slowly over the weekends when it was his turn

was only seven years old when I came into her life, it has

to have them. When they came to stay with us at weekends,

been easier for her to accept me as part of her Dad’s life –

Mark and I agreed that he would be responsible for dealing

she knows she will always be ‘Daddy’s girl’ and I don’t think

with them and I would deal with my child if the need arose,

she feels threatened by me anymore, nor should she. It was

in our own way.” “This just didn’t work!” she laughs. “Having

tougher for Greg – he was already ten years old and naturally

a different set of rules for different individuals in a home

protective and defensive of his mother which shows that he

is disruptive on so many levels and it can lead to issues of

has great strength of character. His parents’ divorce has been

perceived favouritism amongst other things, especially when

tough on him. He really couldn’t stand Jayson either initially,

it comes to discipline. After a few hiccups, Mark and I sat

but over time he has realised that Jayson is not a threat to

down and hashed out some ground rules which pertained to

his position in his father’s affections. Jayson idolises his ‘big

‘our’ home which everyone who lived or entered into it had to

brother’ in fact and looks forward to his visits with us. I would

adhere to. It was a lot less confusing for the kids and Mark and

like to be there for Greg more if he would allow it – he is an

I had fewer disagreements as a result,” she adds with relief.

awesome boy with a lot to offer,” she says.

“One thing one has to understand before you get into a

“Happily, Greg, Caitlin and Jayson are thrilled that Mark

relationship where either you or your partner has kids is that

and I will be getting married soon. Jayson has even felt

you are taking on the ‘whole package’ not just one person.

comfortable enough with the idea to ask Mark if he can now

Not only do you have normal relationship pressures, but

call him ‘Dad’ and while I don’t expect that from Mark’s kids as

added to this you have to figure out a way to get along with

they already have a mother, I am glad we have taken the past

each other’s kids and very often the ex partner factor can be

five years to work through the issues and we have arrived at

problematic too, especially if a divorce has been acrimonious.

a place where they are also comfortable with the idea. I’m

Mark is fortunate that he does not have to deal with ‘ex issues’

glad we didn’t give up – it can be tough going and you just

in my and Jayson’s regard and I decided very early on not to

have to stay the course. You have to remember right at the

become involved in any disputes between Mark and the kids’

start that the kids have had a rough time of it and that they

mom, other than to give my emotional support wherever it

are not equipped to deal with the situation as the adults are.

was appropriate. It’s not always easy not to be swept up in

It’s a huge adjustment for them so you really need to give it

the issues, especially when I feel the needs of the kids are

time; some kind of bond will eventually form, so don’t try and

not being put first because of past hurt feelings and blame. I

force it, but just be yourself – it will happen if you give it time,”

often wish that all three of us could sit down over coffee and

she emphasises. “I would do it all again in a heartbeat and I

work on what’s best for the kids, but I accept that I will remain

wouldn’t have my ‘ready made’ family any other way.”

RaisingKids - May 2011

15

Make mom her own book of coupons s e r o h c r o f e l

b ! a s r m o e v rede special fa and

Mom will really appreciate this gift and she'll love it when you help her out with the dishes or take out the garbage, make her a cup of tea or even give her a much-needed hug!

Ask dad to print out the coupon page alongside and then click on the steps below to see how easy it is to make your own!

What you'll need: • A4 sheet of cardboard • Hole punch (or use a sharpened pencil) • Ribbon to tie the book together • Anything you would like to decorate your Mother’s Day coupon book with such as glitter pens, stickers, etc. Visit your local stationery store for ready-made scrap booking decorations.

Follow these easy steps

CLICK HE

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FOR STEP

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1

KH

CLIC

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STEP

2

CLIC

K HE TEP

3 RE

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RaisingKids - May 2011

RE

FOR S

CLICK FOR S

5

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TEP

Mother's Day craft

♥ ERE H K CLIC IS T TH RIN TO P E PAG

RaisingKids - May 2011

17

Tweens towards Independence Inbe‘tween’: no longer a baby, not yet a teen – how can we help our young children gain independence during this transition?

18

RaisingKids - May 2011

Tween parenting

We all long for our children to gain independence, but at the same time something inside us doesn’t really want to ‘let go’, because let’s face it, for the first five years of a child’s life, ‘mom’ is most definitely the word and we love being the center of our children’s universe and vice versa. So when ‘independence day’ arrives it can be quite a shock to realise that your child is ready to start spreading her own wings. Whether you like it or not, she is going to, so now is the time to learn how to ‘moonwalk’ Michael Jackson style: moving backwards in a serious of almost indiscernible teeny tiny ‘steps’… with increasing rapidity as your child moves from the age of six to 12 and then into the teen years.

For most moms, the first day of ‘big’ school will signal that it is time to start taking a step back. Gut-wrenching, mixed feelings of pride and fear that have never been felt before may overwhelm you as you watch her leave your side, taking her first tentative steps into the ‘outside’ world. Remember the feeling, because you will become intimately acquainted with it from now on, through the tween and teen years and again into young adulthood.

While there is nothing wrong with ‘hovering’ (often with immense trepidation) in the background at the first few attempts at independence, to deny your child the opportunity of trying something on her own can do considerable damage not only when it comes to the acquisition of independence, but also when it comes to the acquisition of self confidence and self esteem; both vital in the tween and subsequent teen/young adult years.

It starts with you: make a conscious effort to shift your own mindset from ‘doing’ for your child to ‘supporting’ your child.

•

•

•

S tarting school presents a wealth of opportunity for the growth of independence; resist the urge to walk your child to the classroom every day, especially if she shows that she is capable or wanting to do it on her own. on’t criticise your child when she attempts something D new on her own. While you should continue to guide, resist the urge to do everything for your child because you can do it better. This will just erode confidence and make her feel incapable. llow your child to make her own simple decisions; what A she will wear, how she wants to do her hair, etc. She is starting to weigh alternatives and forming the basis of critical thinking. If the decision she arrives at is not going

to cause any harm, allow her to make it – even if it raises a couple of eyebrows!

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ousehold tasks/chores such as feeding a pet should be H encouraged. Independence can never be gained without first acquiring responsibility. Having a solid sense of responsibility feeds self esteem which is crucial in the tween and teen years.

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llow her to choose her own friends and interests. It is A easier for your child to gain confidence in life choices if you encourage her to make use of choice in certain areas of her life early on. Even allowing your child to make the ‘wrong’ choice now and then will allow her to grow – intervene only if the choice she makes will do her harm.

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llow her to deal with certain conflict situations which A may occur especially between friends and siblings on her own. Resist the urge to jump in; this can be tough as it means parents sometimes have to consciously override our natural instinct to defend our young. Rather present scenarios where she can identify and draw her own conclusion in social matters. Girls are generally more intuitive in this regard, where boys may need more forthright guidance.

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y age 8, your child should be able to wash, dress B and feed herself. She should be able to execute certain tasks such as setting a table, tidying up her room independently, etc. You can encourage this through positive reinforcement and praise rather than demanding it. Children generally love to please and flourish with praise.

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E ncourage self reliance. Your child should be responsible for her own possessions and packing her own school suitcase by age eight.

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on’t berate a child unnecessarily when she makes a D mistake in her endeavours toward independence. If she hasn’t realised the mistake, you may need to point it out, however do not humiliate her or make her feel like a failure, as this could lead her to either avoid trying again or avoid taking responsibility for her mistakes out of the fear of consequence. Teach that taking responsibility and facing consequences are a positive part of growing up.

RaisingKids - May 2011

19

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March 2011

April 2011

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Easy Easter Bu nny cup cake baking!

Our pregnancy; our baby is born!

The trouble with teething...

Kerry McGregor â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Supermodel mom

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