Issuu on Google+

Back To Basics By TJ Williams

Episode 103 "The Queef"


INT. APARTMENT. DAY Black Title Screen "Back To Basics" KENNEDY V.O. Man i’m exhausted. These 11 a.m classes are kicking my ass. FRANK V.O. 11 A.M. isn’t that early man. KENNEDY Oh, well when i stay up to watch my show all night it adds up. FRANK What like Conan or Leno? KENNEDY No i stay up to watch Carson Daily. Versper busts in through the door completely out of breath and runs over to the guys in the kitchen. VERSPER Guys, i got a huge problem. I NEED A GIRLFRIEND! Kennedy and Frank look at Versper then look at each other FRANK You stay up to watch Carson Daily? INT. APARTMENT. DAY FRANK Okay, so why are you in such a rush to get a girlfriend now? I thought you liked the "single and mingle" lifestyle. VERSPER Well yeah i do but there will be no mingling if i’m gay. FRANK Wait. What? If? VERSPER Oh, well i’m not gay, but my ex-girlfriend is spreading rumors that i’m gay!

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

2.

FRANK Why on earth would she do that? VERSPER I don’t know man... FRANK What did you do? VERSPER NOTHING! FRANK Why do you feel the need to lie to me? KENNEDY Yeah Versper, honesty is a virtue. VERSPER I may have told some people something about her. FRANK Okay, well what did you say? VERSPER I told Rod, Mike, Julie, and Kurt that she queefs. KENNEDY Haha, queef is the funniest word. I swear if i worked in the porn business i would laugh everytime i heard that word and a queef. Versper and Frank stare at Kennedy FRANK Why would you do that? VERSPER Because she a maniac psycho bitch! FRANK Whoa, whoa ,whoa lets just relax here buddy boy. Julia is a very nice girl. From what i remember you cheated on her with Beth from the softball team.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

3.

KENNEDY Haha, softball girls are so butch. Versper stares at Kennedy VERSPER Yeah, well now she’s spreading some pretty terrible rumors about me Frank. KENNEDY What’s her name? VERSPER Julia.... A picture of Julia is shown to introduce her character FRANK Like what kind of rumors? Frank and Kennedy sit at a computer and read a blog out loud that Julia has written. FRANK His tiny schlong would barely satisfy a condom. KENNEDY ...He gave erectile disfunction a new meaning. FRANK He would cringe at the sight of a naked women, implying that he’s been going to an art school for too long and he’s been gay by May since freshman year. KENNEDY Herpies... FRANK Dean Versper Hollman is 100% gay... Okay, Versper. I think maybe you should apologize. These things aren’t true right? VERSPER Jesus Christ, will you stop reading those already.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

4.

KENNEDY Your real name is Dean? VERSPER Frank, c’mon man. I am a ladies man. I love the ladies, and they love me. KENNEDY Not according to your phobia of the clitoris... FRANK Okay, well that isn’t real. But we can help you get a girlfriend. Prove these rumors wrong. KENNEDY Yeah and no more crying after sex. FRANK Okay, kennedy we are just gonna turn this off. KENNEDY I have a dating account online, if you wanna use it. It’s quick, painless.. well i dont know how painless crabs are, but its quick. INT. APARTMENT. DAY Versper sits at a computer with Kennedy and Frank behind his shoulders. KENNEDY Okay so it’s called chat roulette just hit next if you wanna meet another babe. VERSPER Okay, and just girls will pop up? KENNEDY You may get a guy in there, but its pretty rare. FRANK Alright, let’s get it started.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

5.

VERSPER Okay, Next. FRANK Oh my god is that/ VERSPER What the hell he’s masturbating! KENNEDY Haha! Gotcha fuckers! INT. APARTMENT. DAY FRANK Hey man don’t worry we will find you a girl. Lindsey a friend of the guys walks into the apartment and lives across the hall. LINDSEY Hey dudes, you got any more fritos? We are totally dry. VERSPER No get the hell out. FRANK Perfect. INT. APARTMENT. DAY FRANK Perfect, hold that pose. VERSPER I look good right? KENNEDY (whispering) Frank, this is not helping. These look very homosexual. FRANK Hey versper, take out the feather, and Lindsey drop cricket stick thing.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

6. VERSPER Can we make this look more like the playboy mansion?

INT. APARTMENT. DAY KENNEDY Putting these on facebook aren’t gonna help. FRANK Yeah well he thinks it will so let it go. Versper is blending margarita’s VERSPER How’s it looking boys? You want salt on the rim? KENNEDY (To Frank) Just do it. INT. APARTMENT. NIGHT FRANK Hey man who knew people would react like that to those pictures. VERSPER Yeah, i’m so naive. Farting noises come from Kennedy’s room. VERSPER Dude, did you hear that? FRANK He’s ripping major ass in there. They put there ears up to the door to hear farting noises. FRANK Haha dude that’s gross. VERSPER Poor guy has the worst gas. Frank and Versper go back and sit on the couch. Kennedy walks out without a shirt on and gets a glass of water.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

7.

VERSPER You need a candle bud? FRANK Yeah or a match or two? KENNEDY Why? VERSPER We heard you ripping some major ass i there, can’t smell good. KENNEDY It wasn’t farting. Frank and Versper look into the room and see Versper’s ex-girlfriend Julia in the room. VERSPER Dammit! Cut to black


Back 2 Basics: 103 The Queef