Back 2 Basics: Mystery Condom By T.J. Williams
The New Way Productions
BACK TO BASICS TITLE OVER BLACK VERSPER V.O. (Counting) 78...79...80... FRANK V.O. What are you doing? INT. APARTMENT. DAY VERSPER Counting. Please do not interrupt. FRANK When did you start wearing glasses? VERSPER What is with the interrogation here frank? FRANK I’m just a little curious as to why you are counting cards... And did you say 80? VERSPER Yeah. so? FRANK Well there are 52 cards in a deck, so i’m just wondering/ VERSPER OH MY GAWD. SHUT UP. Versper storms off and runs into his room. Versper screams from inside his room. Frank storms in. FRANK What? VERSPER Look... They both stand in the doorway looking at a used condom laying in the middle of the floor.
2. INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN. DAY Versper sits at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, eyes all red as if he was crying. While Frank leans on the kitchen counter. Kennedy walks into the apartment with a bag of groceries. KENNEDY Hey guys wassah happenin’ VERSPER I’m not bad, how are you, you condom dropping basterd? FRANK Versper. VERSPER No, we know it wasn’t me and you told me it wasn’t you so it has to be him. FRANK Thanks for believing me, and you’re right. It definitely isn’t yours. Versper nods agreeably. KENNEDY Whoa, guys what are you talking about? Versper rips open Kennedy’s grocery bag. VERSPER CONDOMS! FRANK and a pack of gum, jergens , a single banana and a snickers bar. KENNEDY I ran out of condoms so I/ VERSPER Oh, believe me i know, i found your over sized overused magnum condom on my floor this morning. FRANK Why do you have such a weird assortment of items? People might get the wrong idea...
KENNEDY I feel weird just buying condoms... Frank nods agreeably KENNEDY But you don’t remember? VERSPER Remember what? KENNEDY You asked me for a condom last night. You came home hammered drunk and asked me for a condom. Versper squints and tries to remember. The words "Last Night" appear on the screen and Versper stumbles into the apartment, with someone behind him but we can’t tell who it is. Versper stumbles into Kennedy’s room. KENNEDY V.O. You stumbled into my room around 3. VERSPER Hey. HEY! hey, you got a condom i can borrow. KENNEDY Yeah, get out. Kennedy tosses him a condom and he slams the door. VERSPER Thank You good pal. KENNEDY Then you left. VERSPER I don’t remember that at all. FRANK Whoa, wait i remember. I came out to get a drink of water and i saw Barry eating out of our fridge. Did you bring barry back here last night? VERSPER What!? NO!? Why would i do that?
FRANK You did dude. VERSPER No, i remember eating something on the couch then passing out. FRANK Why did you ask for a condom. I DONT KNOW! Someone knocks on the door. BARRY THE LANDLORD Hey i Just wanted to return sixteen candles. VERSPER BARRY! What the hell happened last night? BARRY THE LANDLORD (Provacatively) I don’t know you tell me. VERSPER Ha...Ha...Ha... No i don’t remember you tell me. BARRY THE LANDLORD Well we came back Annie went to use your bathroom and/ VERSPER /Annie? Phew thank god. So we didn’t... Then what happened... BARRY THE LANDLORD You got really hungry and started eating the poperie off of the table and started puking everywhere. I’m guessing annie left. VERSPER Damn, you’re right she did. Well then how did the condom... Versper squints again and remembers that he had put it on and walked around the house with it on calling himself a "beautiful pornstar" and pretending he was on the set off porn movie.
VERSPER Hey you, am i ready for my close up? VERSPER Who wants some of Rexx Gibraltar VERSPER I told you i won’t do anal. Versper Squints. VERSPER You know what... She didn’t leave... We definitely had sex... CUT TO BLACK