Timothy Struble 10/07/10 I have come to realize that everything in life can be treated mathematically. Here is a formula that I whipped up pertaining to most everyone I know. I shall now prove mathematically that philosophy majors are nothing but vegetarian communication majors.
Kittens=Cute This is the base equation of which I will be working. It is an undeniable fact of life that only an asshole chemistry professor would deny. Cat= KittenTime This is a relationship that I have noticed from my vast experience of kitten farming. No matter the method I use to try and keep them small, dainty, and petite, they turn into angry doom plotting felines that only taste good with avocados. Through some simple algebra we can solve for Kitten.
Kitten=Cat−Time Now we substitute it in to our original equation. Cat−Time=Cute This equation should be of no surprise to anyone. All people know that babies of all species are adorable unless you are a soulless chemist. Soulless chemists only like cute animals for food, which is why people are not allowed to bring newborns into classes in college. You risk running into a chem major with some avocado spread...I'll let you think of the rest. Anyway it is important to list our next equation. Everyone knows that a mans intelligence is inversely proportional to his manliness. Intelligence=
Also, individuals acquire knowledge as their lives move forward. The largest amount of information accumulation that one gains is during their educated years. Intelligence= EducationTime We can then combine these two equations and solve for time Time=
1 −Education Masculinity
This equation is quite reasonable when you think about it. When a very effeminate man is not given a proper education, all that is left for him is the horribly long time he has on this earth...thank god I went to college...thank god most people prettier than me didn't. (jerks)
When this is substituted back into our original equation. We have Cat−
1 Education=Cute Masculinity
In truth, this statement cannot be denied. What sets the heart aflutter more than an educated, manly, mammal packed with histamines to attack your allergies. This is called the “cats are pricks,” principle and will be discussed in a later paper (because this paper is to good for them). Now this is where the algebra gets a bit tricky, so follow along the best you can. Our Equation can be rearranged to the following. Cute−Eduation−cat Masculintiy=1 Most people recognize this as the reality T.V. equation. The one represents how likely you would date said individual on a scale of one to ten. Masculine men on such shows as “The Real World,” are good on the eyes, but obviously can't spell their own names (let alone take care of an animal). Due to the them having an IQ of around 38, and only wanting partners for sexual pleasure, they are indeed a one out of ten. On the other hand, effeminate men with high levels of education are pretty, but not very cute. They have a tenancy to stare at their mystical reflections more than attempt to pay attention to anyone else. In truth this is not our fault. God made us better than everyone, we simply appreciate the fact he did. Masculinity is a measure how how stereotypical a male can be. In truth it measures how much we can devolve into shit throwing monkeys that have penis bones (seriously they do, look it up). So, in order to be truly masculine, you must sacrifice your evolution to being human, and eat lots of fattening steak. And since the christian church teaches us that only people can go to heaven, it stands to reason that the following is true Masculinity=SoullessMeat Eating Now I will now substitute this in to an equation that I alluded to before
Chemistry Professors=SoullessAssholes Therefore Masculinity=Chemistry Professors− AssholesMeat Eating Once this is Substituted into our original equation we get Cute−Eduation−cat Chemistry Professors− AssholesMeat Eating=1 Therefore Chemistry Professors−AssholesMeat Eating=
1 Cute −Eduation−cat
Now, this looks pretty messy, but remember, all math can simplify. Remember that there is one form of study that no matter what you believe, you can be a pompous dick to everyone around you. These
people claim to be scientists, but obviously were born better than everyone else (therefore not needing an asshole).
Philosophy Majors=Scientist −Asshole (I don't know if they are really people) Something that is absolutely ugly, has no pets, but lives a long time to gain knowledge is important to consider as well. In truth there is only only one animal that fits this description, a bad ass Komodo Dragon.
Cute−Education−Pet =Comodo Dragon When we substitute in these formulas into our original equation we get the following. Philosophy MajorsMeat Eating=
1 Komodo Dragon
This is very understandable. Komodo Dragons are bad ass beasts that ingest crocodiles for fun (and for carbs). Therefore the more pompous and lacking of an asshole someone is, the less like a Komodo dragon they are. Now this equation is easily rearranged. Philosophy Majors=
1 −Meat Eating Komodo Dragons
Now the perfect inverse of a bad ass reptile that kills things from my worst nightmares would have to be opposite of it in every way (not awesome, not amazing, and definitely not worth studying). This leads to the following equation Communication Majors=
1 Komodo Dragons
Thus our new Equation Becomes Philosophy Majors=Communication Majors−Meat Eating There you have it, philosophy majors are vegetarian Comm majors (and equally pointless).
Published on Oct 7, 2010