Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issues 43-44
More sightings of Nicholas Cage impersonator causes terror among villagers....
The village of Hoath was under curfew last night after several sightings of the Nicholas Cage lookalike that escaped following a coach crash on the Thanet Way (See Issue 40). Police have warned villagers not to venture out after 5pm following sightings of a 'Tall, lanky man who shouts a lot', in their village. Village shop owner Daphne Niftydandy called the police following an incident at her store last tuesday. Speaking from her shop, Daphne told The Wind Farm "A chap came into my shop, wearing a beige suit and claimed to be a police lieutenant. He asked for some mint imperials but I didn't have any. He then asked for some bon-bons but we were out of them, too". Daphne claims that the man then flew into a rage and a two minute monologue about bon-bons, before pulling out a toy gun and waving it around. "He was screaming '...are you Crazy, woman? Crazy!? Every motherfucking village shop has bon-bons!! Jeeezus fucking chriiiist!'.....It was then that I asked him to leave and he marched up the street screaming at himself". Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, "He should not be approached under any circumstances, you know how Nicholas Cage impersonators can be. If he slips into Wild At Heart mode, heaven help us all".
Traffic warden 'Critical' after sticking parking meter up his own arse. Warden Barraclough injured again after taking motorist's wishes literally Local traffic warden Bob Barraclough was fighting for his life last night after sticking a parking meter up his own arse, two months after an operation to remove 68 parking tickets that he'd shoved up there. Barraclough, 56, underwent four hours of surgery to remove the meter, but remains in a critical condition. Dr Hans MacMahon told us, "He's had a good nights sleep but it will take a long time before he recovers". Witnesses say that Barraclough was issuing a ticket to a driver who had returned to his van ten minutes too late and an altercation broke out between the two. David Sykes, of Island Wall, said, "Mr Barraclough very politely pointed to the meter and indicated that the driver was late by ten minutes.....the driver then told him to take the meter and stick it up his arse before driving off". Sykes said that Barraclough even asked a passing pensioner to hold his bag and ticket machine as he attempted to pull the meter out of the pavement and stick it up his arse. "He was determined to do it", said Sykes, "He made a god awful noise when he stuck it up there, and collapsed straight away". When Sykes was asked why he didn't try to stop him, he said "It was morbid curiosity really. I didn't think he'd actually do it. But he did". Barraclough's supervisor Harry Grimm, said "I really think it's time for Bob to retire, he can't keep doing this to himself".
.....'ere. Beach huts, right? Expensive.....£17,000 for one on West Beach....but get this. You see that one in the paper the other day? £80,000! Yeah, down in Seasalter....no leccy, no gas but an asking price of £80,000.....you know why? Designed by the same bloke that designed the Tardis.....s'true! Fuckin' massive inside, they reckon. Don't tell you that in the papers.....bit of a secret. But you walk in, and it's got 8 rooms, a swimming pool and an underground car park! Yeah....my mate is a seaweed monitor at Seasalter.....seaweed monitor....not many people realise how valuable seaweed is these days....different types, see? There's one breed of seaweed that actually tastes better than Saffron and is three times the cost....reckon it has healing properties, good on jellyfish stings they reckon....goes well with slip sole and hake as well, all the posh knobs love it, reckon that Japan stole the recipe for sushi from an old seaman in Seasalter, died penniless he did.....anyway......That beach hut.....they reckon there's room for a cinema as well, reckon that the buyer may open it up as one, and a church possibly....wouldn't think it possible to look at it from the outside, would ya? Can't travel through time like the Tardis can though.....made out of wood, wouldn't be able to survive out in space, not like the real Tardis. Probably disintegrate as soon as it left earth's atmosphere....anyway....go see it for yourself, tell Ward and Partners that you're interested in buying it. Loads of seaweed there, and it'll be yours to sell, cos you own the beach an' all......that's what I heard.
The return of.....Discarded Barbie. Well Barbie fans, it’s been far too long. I expect you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to over the last couple of weeks. Just had a bit of the January blues, you know how it is; failed resolutions, long nights, cold weather, doom doom and doom. To be honest I’ve been mainly eating chocs and knitting a few items to warm me blank bits up. I have also been giving a bit of new season fashion and make up advice on my blog which you might want to swot up on if you’re feeling a bit Januaryish too. I find that the best
thing for a little pick me up on a cold winter’s day is a great outfit and a bit of slap but failing that, a bottle of gin and a bit of a slap will normally do it. Oooh aaaa bottle o’ gin! A bottle o’ gin! A bottle o’ gin and a little bit of a slap! Wow, I just like totally made up a sea shanty or something! I am just like some kind of folksy, salt of the earth type, mermaidy Barbie! I can just see myself sitting on a rock, combing my lush nylon locks and luring handsome strangers with my sweet singing voice. Actually, fuck it......xx
pages and read the information therein. That's what we did as kids. Yeah! We fucking walked well, flew to libraries and sat and read books. Or asked our parents about stuff. Ok, my dad was pissed most the time, but he knew a lot of stuff. You kids, don't know you're fucking born. Remember - LIBRARIES. Dear Sweary Do you know how to switch predictive text off? I sent my girlfriend a text saying "I'll be home soon and I'm going to kick your puppy". Now the RSPCA are threatening to charge me. Daz Ultra, Dublin
Dubious advice from Whitstable's angriest boid...
Dear Sweary Wikipedia has closed, and I can't do my homework now. What can I do? A. Typical-Teenager, Canterbury. Sweary Says There are things called libraries in most towns (Except Thetford). They have books where you can look stuff up. You know what fucking books are? They have pages with information on them and stuff. You open it, turn the
Sweary Says Don't you just love predictive text. Ironic, though, that Nostradames never comes up in predictive text, innit? Erm....don't know how to help otherwise. Why would you want to kick her puppy anyway? Dear Sweary I'm against the Ku Klux Klan, but I have to say, whenever they appear on TV they look immaculate in their costumes. Do you know which washing powder they use? Billy Bob Crayfish, Alabama Sweary Says Don't know. Have you tried Wikipedia? Oh, hang on...
Police still seeking man who vomited in Canterbury pub
Police admitted this week that they're no closer to finding the drinker who vomited in The Lady Luck pub in Canterbury in December. The popular pub had to be closed down for three days after the incident, whilst specialist cleaners from Poland cleared up the mess. Landlady Abi DeGoth, said "It was a terrible mess, like a pea soup tsunami, which took all the furniture and a few customers flooding into the street. It ruined our Christmas trade, I can tell you". The drinker, described as being of Irish descent and sporting glasses and a goatee beard, is said to have stumbled in to the pub, ordered a large gin and tonic before retiring to the toilet where he was sick. "We even found some in the curtains in the flat above", said Abi, "It was everywhere. I don't think we'll be seeing the pub cat again, either".
Ancient toothpaste spring to run dry by 2014
An ancient toothpaste spring on West Beach is likely to dry up by 2014, according to dental archaeologists. The spring, which has been providing a steady stream of stripey toothpaste to Whitstable since prehistoric times, has recently shown signs of slowing down and dentists are concerned about the effect that will have on the town's oral hygiene. Dr Matt Finish, of Whitstable dental practice, said "We are concerned that the toothpaste spring is showing signs of running out of the red stripy stuff, and the blue stripe is showing signs of slowing down also". The well was mentioned in the Domesday book, and legend has it that William Wallace brushed his teeth there whilst on his pilgrimage to Rome. But concern is growing now that the spring drying up could also affect our local tourism industry. A spokesman for Whitstable tourist board said, "The well receives thousands of visitors each year, from far away as New Zealand and Thetford. If it dries up, the knock on effect on Whitstable could be a disaster. On the plus side, we won't have the problem of discarded tooth brushes on West Beach any more".
But, it seems, as one spring closes, another opens.....Volcanologists have reported 'seismic movement' in Herne Bay's Mount Bosch. The volcano has lain dormant for over 20 years now, with the last eruption showering Herne Bay and Reculver with thousands of Super Start and Platinum Plus spark plugs in 1990, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage and resulting in the deaths of 3 people. "We've learnt a lot from that disaster", said Prof Eugene Flake, of the department of spark plug volcanology at the University Of West Tankerton, "We will be better prepared this time".
"Heston Blumenthal stole my recipes" Whitstable lollipop lady claims. A lollipop lady has claimed that award winning TV chef Heston Blumenthal stole some of her recipes. Hilary McCartney, who has been seeing children safely across the road in Joy Lane since 1998 told The Wind Farm, "As a lollipop lady, kids are always asking me 'What's the flavour today?', as they have for years. And I've always replied with tradional flavours such as Strawberry, Banana, Orange and Chocolate". But Hilary claims that after a particularly difficult 'monthly' a few years back, the flavours changed. "I regret it now, but I was on duty one week when I had a really awful period. I was in a foul mood when I turned up for duty and started snapping at the kids". Hilary said that she named the days flavours that week as Snail Porridge, Bacon Ice Cream and Stuffed Lark's Scrotums. "The next thing I know, Heston Blumenthal is winning awards for cooking the stuff that I invented, the fucking bald cunt", she fumed. Hilary has also implicated local chef Greg Wallace in the recipe scandal, claiming that one of the children she saw across the road is a relative and may have mentioned the flavour to him, who then told Blumenthal about it. "I can't prove it yet, but I reckon that's how Blumenthal got wind of my ideas. Wallace lives up Joy Lane somewhere and you know how things spread in Whitstable". Wallace was unable for comment, so we asked Canterbury educated TV chef Anthony Worral Thompson what he thought. Speaking from his cell in London, Worrall-Thompson said, "I don't really have an opinion whether Heston stole the recipes, I just stick to stealing the ingredients these days. LMFAO!"
The Iron Lady reviewed by
Sweary Seagull Right...Before you criticise someone, walk for a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll still have their shoes. Meeeeeeeh! Meeeh! No, but seriously - I'm pissed off with everyone saying they won't go and see The Iron Lady simply because it's about Thatcher. Now, I also think she was a complete twat and fucked this country up for good. Do you know how many Seagulls died in the Brighton Bombing and The Falklands Conflict? Fucking loads.....not many people know that The Belgrano was home to a colony of Argentinian Seagulls and hundreds died when she sank it....Oh yeah, the film..... I liked it. I mean, I reeeeally enjoyed it. From the opening shot of a row of milk cartons (Symbolic, but not over done, mind) it grips from start to finish.
Told in flashback via Dennis Thatcher's spirit - yeah, I know, but bear with it - it's more of a love story than a political movie. Thatcher is never shown in a sympathetic light, neither is the film an attack on her in general. It shows her in a glowing, statesman-like light at the pulling down of the Berlin Wall (In which several hundred Seagulls lost their homes)....and her war against Northern Ireland stems, according to the film, not from an understanding of the NI problem, but by witnessing the death of her close friend and advisor Airey Neave, who was killed by an IRA car bomb. An explosion that also killed a passing Seagull who....actually, no fuck it....don't bother going to watch it. Go and see Mission Impossible 4 instead. They didn't kill any Seagulls in that at least....
Who’s Bean a bad boy, then?.... There was a scare at Elliot’s Cafe in Whitstable today when an unelected ‘official’ from Brussels popped in for a Full English whilst on an unannounced check up on EU standards. During the course of his meal he pointed out that a number of the baked beans failed to comply with regulations, in that they were expected to look like the picture of Phil Collins on the front of that album, er, you know, not ‘No Talent Required’ – the other one that’s exactly the same except with a different cover. No, hang on – that’s still too vague (Googles). Ah! It was that one, but anyway....
A written warning was issued in German and the inspector confirmed he would be back some time in the future unless war had broken out between Belgium and the UK, to ensure his instructions had been complied with. Mr Collins was unavailable for comment, still being traumatised from being sent to the Moon in 1969 and forced to stay in the Command Module while the two other went on the piss at Tranquility’s. The bean issue was not the only complaint recorded by the interfering foreign gent. Wind Farm has acquired a ‘copy’ of his notebook from his pocket after several hundred seagulls attacked him on his way back to his hotel 1. One sausage was five microns shorter than the other and of insufficient girth. A third was only half the length it should be but may have been due to half of it being eaten already. 2. Of twenty fresh tomatoes tested, one was slightly yellow in patches and several had between five and twelve less pips than required 3. The waitress, although polite and pleasing on the eye, had no Latvian or Croatian but did claim to have gone to school with a young man who lived three doors down from a man who taught his budgie to say ‘piss off’ in Austrian 4. Upon asking if I could get a Continental breakfast, a gentleman wearing a Groucho Marx mask, who I had observed upon entry, advised me “Yeah, Mate. If you sod off to the Continent there’s loads of places.” PS Phil Collins has now been downgraded to Empty Report by Northern Correspondent Andy Sanson
Ask Sweary Secondhand advice from the Seagull who really doesn't give a flying bullock Dear Sweary My girlfriend has dumped me after I sent her a rude text message. She usually doesn't mind that sort of thing, but she's really got the hump this time. This was all i wrote "When you get home tonight I'm going to fuck you, stupid" ...what's wrong with it, Sweary? Ian Cognito, Hoath Sweary Says Mate, you should have left the comma out after 'You'.... but think yourself lucky it was just your girlfriend that dumped you. If you'd made such a basic grammatical error on Facebook, you'd incur the wrath of pedants everywhere....I hate those pedantic bastards. Think they're so fucking clever....'Oh....you left an apostrophe out.....spelt it wrong - easy mistake to make - LOL!'...Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Yadda! Yadda! Yadda! Dear Sweary I was always told to be as romantic as possible if wanted to be a success with the ladies. Why then did the girl I was chatting up the other day make an excuse and disappear when l delivered the killer line, "Baby, if I'd been dead
for a week I wouldn't be as stiff as I an right now?" Miserable bitch. Walter Widget, Wem
Sweary Says Right.....women, eh? Not the cleverest when it comes to understanding one liners. I was out with this bird one night and as she greeted me, she said "Ooooh...you smell nice, what you got on?". I said, "I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it...". Got a slap round the beak for my trouble.....Have you ever read Women are from Mars, Men are from Mercury? Me neither..... Dear Sweary Is it true that you can fit everyone in the world into a box a mile square and lose it somewhere in the Grand Canyon? Prof J. Halibut, Arizona Sweary Says I think there's about as much truth to that rumour as the one that suggests that if you play Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven backwards, during the line 'If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now', the Devil will appear. Mind, playing Led Zeppelin backwards is the best way to listen to them if you ask me. Can't fucking stand 'em....