The Wind Farm
Local man goes to shop to buy half a dozen eggs, but decides to buy a dozen instead... “I can’t forgive him”, says tearful wife.
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
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WANKERTON! *Locals up in arms at sign mix up...
*’Live with it – or move away’ – Cllr Barjory... Residents of Tankerton were furious this week after a mix up with a street sign company saw the Whitstable suburb renamed Wankerton.
Tankerton (Left) , famous for its...erm....Tankerton was awarded a grant to replace its signs at either end of the main road that runs through the suburb, but locals were left red faced when the new signs were erected. “I’m shocked”, said resident Chris Cordes, “The value of my house has been going up and down all week. The council need to sort this out quickly”. Jazz banjoist Burt Butler of Wynn Road said, “I know the council are useless at times, but they’ve really managed to pull it off this time”. There are now fears that Tankerton could soon become a ghost town as shops close due to falling visitors. “Nobody wants to go to a place called Wankerton”, said that snotty little punk that manages the Tesco Extra store, “Except for your more colourful types who come down from London. It’ll be another Brighton before we know it”.
Residents are now calling for the council to stump up the money to replace the signs again – but have been told that the budget has been spunked elsewhere. “It’s April soon”, said Cllr Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council, “And we’ve blown our budget on unessential work so we can justify our budget this fiscal year”. (See story below) “I can only apologise to the residents of Wankerton for the mix up, if they don’t like it, they are free to move away. And I wouldn’t advise painting over the signs, either. There’s a stiff penalty for that sort of thing” But this was scant comfort to resident Anne Holloway, of Fitzroy Road, who said “Surely the council could pull together and stump up the cash to bash one out? I really am fed up with living in a place called Wankerton. My friends at the W.I are all laughing at me”.
Council accused of wasting money on unessential work. Barjory justifies sudden spurt of work in Whitstable. Councillor Marjory Barjory reacted furiously this week to accusations of money wasting ahead of the fiscal year budget. Campaigner Julie Wassmer told The Wind Farm, “Look around you. Suddenly, there are hundreds of Hi-Vis council workers with their bum cracks showing, doing all sorts of unnecessary jobs around town”. Wassmer accused the council of wasting money in order to justify a budget increase come April, an accusation that has drawn a furious response from Councillor Barjory. “Oh I DO wish Wassmer would shut the fuck up. She’s like the Scooby Doo gang all rolled into one. We’d get away with a lot more stuff if it wasn’t that meddling granny!”. Close inspection of the council’s planned work does, however, lend weight to Wassmer’s accusations. In a leaked document to The Wind Farm, we have learned that the council are planning on:
Cutting down trees before replanting them in the same spot. And then knocking them down again Laying tarmac across the local bowling green and painting a big ‘H’ on it so ambulacopters can land there, even though the nearest hospital is eight miles away Paying someone to count the pebbles between the Pearson’s wall and The Neptune Tarmacing the Green’s tile store roof, even though it’s due for demolition this year Reversing the order of black and white stripes on all Zebra crossings. Replacing lollipop people with Zebras Painting Salvador Dali’s ‘Swans reflecting Elephants’ on the side of every public toilet in Whitstable Demolishing Whitstable castle and replacing it with one of Heston Blumenthal’s oversized meals
But Barjory said, “We need a bigger budget next year so we can fix...pot holes...and stuff. it’s like moaning about invading Iraq for the oil there. Everyone’s against it until the day their cars run dry and there’s no heat in their homes. Goddamn communist pinkos”.
Page Three Puritan Model Of The Week! Easy fellas – she’s spoken for! Meet Helena Anne Schmidt-Lapp. “Yes”, says the 48 year old beauty from Chestfield, “I AM spoken for – by God!”. Winner of the Chestfield Puritans Knobbly Knees Contest 2011, Helena lists her hobbies as horse grooming, sewing and the bible, although not always in that order. “Sometimes, I will read the bible and then groom the horse afterwards. It depends on the weather really”, the sultry Jenny Agutter look-a-like told The Wind Farm. We bet a few of you guys wouldn’t mind going on Walkabout with Helena, eh lads?!
Where’s Wallace? Hello...what’s all this then? Wallace looks like he’s in the land of the giants, doesn’t he? Who’s the big fella he appears to be squaring up to? Just look at the SIZE of him! Punching way above your weight there, Wallace. Leave it out, son. Bit of a tough guy, eh? Have YOU ever had a fight with Wallace? Where was the picture taken? Monaco perhaps? We know he was there a while back. What’s Wallace saying to him? Look at his poise? His body language would suggest he’s in defensive mode. Maybe he made a rude comment about the giant’s combover...Are YOU that giant? What did Wallace say to you? And how did the fight end? We reckon it was a straight knock out to the big fella. That could be Croatia actually. Lots of giants out there. Fess up, Wallace. Where were you?
FOR THOSE IMPERILLED OF THE SEA – with Dan From London Whenever I visit Whitstable I always like to pick up a few souvenir stones from the beach to take home with me, and I reckon I must have accumulated at least £12.50 worth of perfectly good hardcore by now. I keep them on the balcony of my flat and sometimes I like to go and lie on them and imagine I'm by the seaside again. Well I'd always assumed that this type of beachcombing was a fairly harmless seaside occupation, as well as being a healthy and pleasant way of whiling away a few sunny hours without spending any money. Imagine my concern, then, when I was recently accosted by a hoary old local with an unfeasable beard, who told me in no uncertain terms that if everybody who came to Whitstable took two or
three stones home with them everytime they came, then there very soon wouldn't be any stones left! Without this protective barrier of rubble Whitstable and it's residents would be washed away by the ever rising tide. Well, Dan from London has come up with the perfect solution to this ecological dilemma. These days I always make sure that I bring plenty of spare rubbish with me whenever I come down for the weekend. If I pick up a stone to take home with me, I simply replace it with some litter, old lager cans, condoms and plastic bottles usually. It's good to know that I'm doing something practical to help and that I'm giving something back. Citizens of Whitstable can sleep easier in their beds at night now, in the comforting knowledge that there's at least half a ton of Dan's old shit carefully scattered between them and the creeping menace of the sea.
The Wind Farm annuals ‘cure piles and kidney stones’ claim readers Readers of both Wind Farm annuals have made an astonishing claim recently – reading them cures all manner of bathroom related problems! Fred Tucker of Walmer Road claimed “I had suffered with piles for years, and I’d tried everything to shift the little bleeders. One day I sat down and read The Wind Farm Easter Annual and they began to shrink. By the time I’d reached page 45, they’d all but disappeared! Thank you, Wind Farm!” Pete Frampton of Lucerne Drive said, “I had a kidney stone and couldn’t piss for peanuts. All that came out was a nasty dribble of gooey snot and it hurt like hell. Like someone sticking a red hot knitting needle up my Jap’s eye. After reading The Wind Farm Christmas Annual, it cleared up immediately and I had the most satisfying wee EVER”. Seamus O’Finnimibonnibelli said, “I had erectile dysfunction for years and the wife was threatening to leave me, so she was. After reading Sweary’s advice column, I was able to get wood again and my marriage is back on track. I even had to repair the bathroom window, if you know what I mean! Thank You, Sweary!”. *Details of how YOU can still buy The Wind Farm annuals are on the back page.
Crabs developing rickets as weather remains gloomy. Fears are growing that crabs could be developing rickets as a result of lack of sunlight, marine biologists have warned. Crab rickets, or Crickets as they’re known in the sea world, are very much like human rickets, except in reverse, as Prof Ken Wood of the University of West Tankerton explained. “Whereas human rickets bow the sufferers legs outwards, Crickets causes a crab’s legs to bow INWARDS. This results in their bodies being pushed upwards. The bigger the crab, the higher they get pushed upwards”. There are fears now that the crabs may soon be as tall as the aliens from The War Of The Worlds, and Wood is urging Canterbury Council to provide special sun lamps to shine on the crabs. “We need to get some vitamin D into these crabs to prevent them getting rickets. Imagine how scary it will be for children when they’re crabbing in the summer and a 100 foot crab suddenly rises from the sea? It could spell disaster for the local economy, not to mention the children”. But Cllr Marjory Barjory, head of the crab protection office at Canterbury Council, has ruled out providing artificial lighting for the crabs – and told The Wind Farm that the answer to the cricket problem is already in Whitstable in the guise of a local celebrity... An artist’s impression of Crabs invading The Crab and Winkle path
“David Essex will be able to help us”, said Barjory, “He lives in Whitstable and has had experience at fighting aliens when they invaded Horsall Common. His answer to the problem was to build a brave new world underground, and getting him to do that is cheaper than providing lights”. The Wind Farm asked David Essex if he intended digging out a brave new world underground, but he told us, “Probably not. I’m on tour this year. And I don’t think digging a city underground is wise. Not with my back”. Prof Ken Wood and his buddies are said to be ‘keeping an eye’ on the cricket situation.
Sweary Seagull reviews....The Duke Of Cumberland, Whitstable. A couple of weeks back, some snotty fackin’ journo made some disparaging remarks about one of my favourite watering holes in Whitstable – The Dukes. In her review, which looked like it had been written by a fackin’ 12 year old, she dissed the food, the service and even the tables. “Absolutely disgraceful!”, she said. And then she started having a pop at landlord Tony Tarratts. Called him “Very scruffy indeed”, she did. Well, Christine Whitebrook, I think your attitude is so typically English, it just smacks of envy. In England, it’s always better to be the gallant loser than the victor and this is, perhaps, Tony’s biggest downfall. He opened up Windy Corner Stores, made a success of it and then moved on to The Salt Marsh restaurant. He made a success of that before setting his sights on The Duke Of Cumberland, along with his partner, Sarah and friend Annie. Now, here was a hotel in a prime location that needed turning around, and the trio took the bull by the horns just over two years ago and have done a fine job. No-one gives a monkey’s bollock about how the landlord appears, right? He knows how to run a pub and he servesh good beer – I’m on my third pint now, having sampled the master brew and the late red already. Whoever looks after the beer knows hish or her stuff, because it tastes fackin’ shuperb. And the food is good as well – ‘Poor to fair’ was her appraishal. Well for a shtart...make yer fackin’ mind up, gal! Is it fair or poor? Or poor to fair? I love the food there and I’ve never heard anyone shay a bad word abaaht it...It’s good honest food, they use local produshe which is better than the fackin’ Brake Brothers crap that they ushed to cook when whassisname was running the kitchen....Steve Marsh or whatever hish name was....Anyway...I’m on the Sje..Shep’s amber beer now, and it’sh going dahn a treat...what’s that Connor? ‘Av I tried the Kasahi lager? No, son...hit me wiv it... Anyway, lishten...Tony and his bird, Sarah and the lovely, beautiful Annie have turned thish place right araahnd from being a f-f-ack..in...boring ol’ place to a l-l-eading nusic venue by turning the back room into a mushic room and there’sh no place else..I’d rather be else on a Shunday aft’noon than wa-wa-watching...Nev Willish and J-J-arood Combs..and that l-lot after I’ve h-had ma f-fuggin dinner in the sh-stables restaurant.... S-shooo..So Whitebrook, d-dont come down here wiv ya fackin...London ideash and tell my mmmate T-Tony how to run a fac...kin pub....Connor?...Amother piny of Shpitefire if you please...Tony, Sharah and Annie have worked th-their fackin...f-f-fingersh to the bone to make The Dukesh w-what it ish today, so you can just p-piss off back to Lahndahn with your silly ‘kin ideas abaaht how a pub shood be run...I bet you drink in fackin’ “Wine Bars”, don’tcha, eh?? Wachoo fuckin llookin at? Huh...you wanna take thish ahtshide, y’fuckin cock womble..I’ll fackin’ do the lot o’ ya...
Counterpoint With Col. M. Farquar – Ladygarden (Retd) The Wind Farm Easter and Christmas Annuals 2012 Now £5.99 each or both for £9.99