Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issues 47 and 48
Football lands in back garden - 37 years after being kicked. A leather football which was been orbiting the sun for 37 years after being kicked out of Whitstable has finally come back to earth - in Arizona. The ball, bought from Woolworths, was kicked out of earth's atmosphere in 1975 by 11 year old Tommy Alderman whilst playing football on Whitstable rec. Tommy, now 48 told us, "A parcel arrived from Arizona last week and there was a letter explaining that a football had landed in the garden of a chaps house in Tuscon. Luckily, I'd written my name and address on it in marker pen back then". Alderman explained that he was in goal with the Cromwell Road under 12's in 1975 when he kicked the ball out from the goal area so hard that it left earth's atmosphere and was never seen again. Patrick Moore â€œShowed Footageâ€?
"We waited about 20 minutes for it to land, but it soon became clear that it had gone for good. The ref abandoned the game after that as no-one had bought a spare ball". Alderman became something of a celebrity after this when he appeared on Record Breakers with Roy Castle in 1976, and his record has still yet to be broken. "It was one of those things. I was actually trying to do a Pat Jennings, and score from my own goal but I got the angle wrong. If I had kicked it straight, the other goalie wouldn't have stood a chance". Patrick Moore showed footage of the ball in 1985 on The Sky At Night and various space shuttle missions have also recorded seeing it. It became known as 'Woolie-Ball XKL/ WB9 75' in astronomical circles and but no-one predicted it's fall to earth. Don Wankey, Princess Anne's personal astronomer, told us "There's no telling when space debris will fall to earth and we thought the ball would stay in outer space forever. But it didn't". Back on earth, Alderman said "This has re-affirmed my faith in human nature. My neighbour used to keep my balls in his garden if they landed there, but this gent in Arizona took the trouble to send it back".
Snooker Loo Pee - D list celebrity snooker tournament at The Savoy The Wind Farm can today announce that there is to be a snooker knockout tournament at the Savoy Club sometime in the future if sufficient top drawer players like David Taylor, Bill Werberniuk, Gary Lineker and that Chinese kid that turns up every year but somehow doesn’t look quite the same can be persuaded to leave the security of Sheffield and haul their bow ties and half butts down here. Willie Thorne and John Virgo have reportedly agreed to commentate but the Management are keeping quiet about it in case it puts people off. The Beach Cafe has offered to make available its facilities so that players can enjoy their mid-session cups of tea, the singular most important factor in winning major tournaments. And this one. The organisers hope to secure an appearance by Alex Higgins because “even though he’s been dead for nearly two years he’s still got more charisma and personality than most of the twats that play the game these days” The Tournament will feature a new format where players will have to put their names up on a board and fifty p on the table before offering the current players outside for taking too long and having a fight about whose fifty p it is with some lads off a coach trip from Bexley.
Trophies will be nicke- er- generously provided by S Seagull and his mates and it’s hoped for his sake that when Rob Walker goes, “Let’s get the boys on the baize” there aren’t a bunch hard-of-hearing gayboys from Herne Bay in attendance. If the venture is a success it may become an annual event providing no one walks off with the chalk. We asked unknown snooker referee Michael A Tabard what he thought of the idea and he said, “Don’t know bollocks all about it” By Northern Correspondent Andy Sanson * Artists, right? Yeah? Painters, sculpturers....and installation thingies. You know why their work is so expensive? Tell ya why....because no-one has a fucking clue what artists are on about, that's why. Yeah, my mate works in a gallery and he reckons that artists talk a load of old doughnut to try and confuse you into buying their stuff. They get trained at art college to talk like that poncy bloke on TV, you know..Brian Blessed, the one with the plum in his throat. I went to an exhibition in Canterbury, right.....liked this picture, It was of a girl in a bath....fat bird, like the one that Catherine Cook paints. Anyway, I asked him how much it was and he started banging on about how it was worthless to him because it represented passsion and the truth and not value....'course, i asked him if he was giving it away but he told me to fuck off...nice. But listen right....there's new legislation being passed that will force artists to talk plain english, because many people don't know what 'Esoteric' or 'Juxtaposition' or 'abstract surrealism' mean...I don't, and neither do any of my mates. Reckon they're gonna force 'em to say stuff like "This is a painting of a seascape", when it's a painting of a seascape, rather than banging on about that copper bloke, y'know? Constable....and light, and depth and stuff. I liked Dali....he did that picture, swans reflecting elephants, right? And it was good because it showed swans reflecting elephants. Simple....it's gonna be law soon. Artists will be forced to sign up on a course called 'Speak plain fucking English, for crying out loud'. Good for the economy, see? If artists sell more pictures.....And musicians an' all. They're the worst of the bunch them, especially the singers. That's what I heard......
MADONNA TO APPEAR AT THE NEPPY. We at the Wind Farm have exclusive information that World famous megastar and body building chameleon Madonna is to appear live at the Neptune public house in Whitstable on Saturday th 24 February! We believe that her short lived marriage to Guy Ritchie, son of ‘Carry On’ actress Barbara Windsor and ‘Pearly King’ Reggie Kray, left her with an addiction to traditional British pubs, lager and pork scratchings which has led her to this ‘one-off’ appearance that is sure to bring fans in from all over the world and Herne Bay. It’s hoped that she will be performing material from her new album; ‘I’M A MAN’. See you at the gig folks!
The Wind Farm Easter Annual 2012. Click on the photo to buy safely online! Buy The Wind Farm Easter Annual 2012 from www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com
Sweary Seagull told "Stay away from The Falklands" Pressure was being heaped on Sweary Seagull this week after he boasted that he was going to the Falkland Islands to 'Have a proper pagga' with the local gulls. Defence secretary Philip Hammond said this week, "I would ask Mr Sweary to stay well clear of the Falkland Islands over the next few months. I understand that Prince William is a big fan but never the less, Mr sweary's arrival would only compound an already delicate situation". Diplomatic tension has arisen between Argentina and Great Britain recently after the Argentinian government made a fresh claim of sovereignty over the islands. With David Cameron trailing in the polls recently, it seems that conflict is inevitable. Sweary Seagull, however, maintains that his motivation is not political. "Listen mush. I don't give a shit about the islands and who owns them. I just fancy a massive ruck with the Argentinian gulls. We still owe them for Mexico '86. It's got nothing to do with national pride or fucking duty to the Queen and all that stuff". Quite clearly drunk, Sweary continued, "And who's gonna stop me, huh? I can fly down there a lot quicker than the fucking navy can sail. I'll be there and back by then".
Hole - Taire In The Wall.... Whitstable Cash Machine Starts Dispensing Wisdom As Well As Cash. A cash machine in Whistable has become a mecca for people seeking counsel after it began giving out advice two weeks ago. The voice, believed to be that of 15th century philosopher Voltaire, first spoke to local builder as he took some money out to pay his staff. Bob Fletcher claims he was having small talk with a friend about how bad business was when the machine spoke up. "I had just taken the cash when a voice said - 'Business Is The Salt Of Life' - and it came from the machine!". Fletcher said that the accent sounded like a cross between metal micky and a Frenchman but claims that the machine refused to offer any further clarification. "I asked him to explain what he meant, but he said I'd have to work it out for myself. I still haven't got a clue what he meant". News soon spread of Voltaire's advice, and locals were soon queuing up to hear him speak. Local gambler Dave Driver said, "I asked Mr Voltaire what my chances were of winning the lottery this week, and all he said was - 'Chance is a word void of sense. Nothing can exist without a cause' - fucking fat lot of good that was'. Another local, Darren Hobbs, told us "I'd lost my way spiritually recently and was hoping that the cash machine would offer some advice to get me back on track, but all he said was - 'Everyone goes astray, but the least imprudent are they who repent the soonest' - and I'm still trying to figure out what he meant. Made me think, though'. An engineer was sent to open the machine after it was suspected that someone posing as Voltaire had climbed in there, but the machine was empty of all philosophers. Cash machine engineer Des Cartes, told us "It's a mystery alright. Noone knows where the voice is coming from, but he's not doing any real harm. Whilst I was there, I asked Voltaire about which lawn mower I should buy and he was stumped. But then, I guess they weren't invented when he was around".
Seasalter Bird Watchers admit: "We're actually watching each other". Twitchers around the world were shocked this week when a fellow bird watcher lifted the lid on the darker side of Birdwatching. For years, Bird Watchers have been seen on the marshes at Seasalter and it was assumed that they were looking out for rare birds. But local twitcher Jack Bivowak revealed the shocking truth this week. "We're actually watching each other and comparing camera sizes". In his autobiography, "What we're actually doing in Seasalter", Bivowak tells of how global warming has caused a lot of the local 'rare' birds to go and live somewhere else, leaving the twitchers with very little to do apart from watch each other. "We spend a lot of money on expensive equipment and still like to put it to good use", Bivowak said, "One day, I focused on a fellow twitcher and noticed how he had a bigger lens than last time I saw him. I was so pre-occupied with trying to see the model he was using that I didn't realise that he was watching me. I felt embarrassed and quickly turned my camera away, only to see that another twitcher was watching me as well. It was a slow day, bird wise". But things took a bizarre turn soon when another twitcher arrived dressed as a bird. "Mike Lindup out of Level 42 turned up one day dressed as a Mistlethrush", fellow spotter Al Catraz told us, "He's a keen twitcher and being rich, he can afford all the best equipment. But as he's a performer, he wanted to dress up and run around the marshes making Mistlethrush noises. He's actually very good". Sadly, it seems, Lindup only stayed for a day as he was leaving to tour the following day and the twitchers had nothing else to look at apart from other twitchers. "I hope there is a reverse in this global warming nonsense", Said Catraz, "It can get boring out here, just watching each other. Our governments need to act fast before we become extinct as well".
Ask Sweary Dubious advice from Whitstable's belligerent boid..... Dear Sweary I wonder if you can help Someone handed me a recipe for sauteed seagull the other day: Pluck and prepare the seagull as you would a chicken and joint or quarter. Soak the meat in heavily briny water in a cold place (the fridge?)for 12 hours. This is to try and remove the fishy taste. Do this again at least 3 times, each time throwing away the old salty water and replacing it with fresh briny water. Lightly sautĂŠ the meat in butter, onions, lots of garlic and herbs and then add stock. Simmer for 3 hours. After 3 hours throw the liquid away. A voilĂ . I have two questions. 1) is it ethical to eat seagulls? 2) Do you think this is a good recipe? Anonymous of Thetford (By telegram) Sweary Says That's a mighty fine recipe, and if you provide me with your address, me and some mates shall join you for...erm....dinner some time.....what do you say? And it's encouraging to hear that people in Thetford have grown opposable thumbs with which to hold the cooking equipment. And have learned to eat things other than each other. Well done!
Dear Sweary What do you know about managing football teams? I've been asked to manage an international football team but am quite happy where I am, managing a Sunday league team in....erm.....Walthamstow. H. Ppankder, London E. 17 Sweary Says Ppankder my arse! Harry Redkanapp, you bad boy, you! I really don't feel that a lifelong supporter of QPR can do anything for you, do you? Ask your dog if he wants the job....not that he's short of a few bob, eh? And when you see Cappello, tell him he'd be better off working as a fucking Dolmio puppet if he's looking for work an' all... Dear Sweary, I wonder if, with your bird's eye view of the world, you could settle an argument? At the risk of making a right tit of myself, I reckon that the group of tall buildings visible out at sea, several miles, as the crow flies, beyond Sheppey - is Tilbury. My husband says it's Southend. I'm not larking around when I say a strain is being put on our relationship, so could you offer a swift decision, even if the truth, for one of us, might be hard to swallow. Julie Kasparian, Cromwell Road, Whitstable. Sweary Says I'm afraid your husband is correct in this case - it IS Southend. And enough with the bird puns already. You may end up egret-ting it.....and Sparrow thought for the poor people that have to live there, must be very Hawk-ward for them. I've heard the crime rate there is high, due to people Robin each other at knifepoi.....ah, fuck this for a Lark, I'm going down the pub....
Local Glazier Out Of Business After Facebook Snow Updates Roddy Frame, once the lead singer with 80's pop group Aztec Camera, has blamed facebook for his glazing business collapsing at the weekend. The band, from Glass-gow, who had a string of hits including Sun and Walk Out To Winter, broke up in 1994 and singer Frame retired to Whitstable where he opened a transport company that specialised in delivering windows. But now, he claims that his business, Haulage 'n Glaziers, has collapsed because of facebook snow updates. "It's true", a tearful Frame said, "It's all down to facebook users banging on about the snow at the weekend. It's bad enough that we have weather forecasters telling us, without locals saying 'Oooooh! It's snowing!'....every 5 minutes".. Frame claims that windows are becoming obsolete now, as people aren't bothering to look out of them anymore to check the weather, rather checking their facebook news feed for snow updates. "What's the point of having windows if people aren't going to use them to look out of?, Frame said, "I had a stack of orders on Friday, but come Sunday they'd all cancelled". Frame has written to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg in an attempt to block users from discussing snow on their updates. "Not for me, my business is finished now. But for the sake of glaziers everywhere, I'm asking people to stop banging on about the snow".
Born Under A Bad Sign... Seafort restoration in doubt after project can't even make a sign with straight legs Work on the new seafort restoration on the red sands looks set to grind to a halt after sponsors noticed that the building contarctors couldn't even make a straight sign. Project Redsand are said to be 'furious' with local builders Bodge & Boshit Ltd and have had the sign removed, demanding a new one with straight legs. "If they can build a straight sign, our sponsors may re-consider", a spokesman for Project Redsands told The Wind Farm, "Imagine how the forts would look with wonky legs? We'd be the laughing stock of the Thames Estuary". Boris Johnson also heaped pressure on the builders by writing to them personally, saying that the forts will the focal point of passengers flying in and out of the airport he wants to build in the Estuary, and he wants them to look 'Catchy, and at the very least, straight'. A source at city hall in London also said that Johnson is keen to dress the forts up like 'Little medieval castles on a wedding day'. Bodge and Boshit have pledged to work harder on making straighter legs for the sign, but said they'd prefer to leave the medieval stuff to someone like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
Guess what I heard?? Local gossip with That Pissed Bloke From The Albert ....'ere. Guess what.....I got another rejection from a publishing company this week. Yeah, Harper & Collins didn't like my book on Whitstable - "Things you never knew about Whitstable". Posh knobs at Harper and Collins, see? Only publish books written by the Queen, apparently...no-one's interested, which is a shame....anyway. Here's an extract....things you never knew about Whitstable. S'all true..... ď‚ˇ ď‚ˇ
The Queen sold the beach to a local business family in 1972 for a fiver. But she still owns the pebbles. Whitstable train station doesn't officially exist. Trains only stop there if someone's waiting on the platform. If you want to stop at Whitstable, you have to get off at Chestfield and walk back. Unless someone wants to get on at Whitstable...
There is a secret tunnel that goes from The Dukes to Harry Hill's house in Joy Lane. When he comes out for a drink, he puts on a curly wig and wears smaller collars. The Horsebridge Centre has collapsed twice and been rebuilt overnight without anyone noticing, except the builders. This is because it is built on an old oyster bed, and no solid foundations. There are more artists, musicians and photographers than ordinary people in Whitstable. The word 'Bohemian' translated in Latin means 'Whistable' The actor who first said the line 'Whitstabubble' in that Aero advert from the 80s choked to death in 1994 after eating.........an Aero bar! An old Cromwellian law states that if a Seagull enters your house, you have to feed it and give it free reign of your TV remote between 9pm and Midnight An aerial photograph of Whitstable looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln. Whitstable is the only town in the world to have it's own toothpaste spring. The phrase 'Too many cooks spoil the broth' originated in Whitstable. In 1717, a local Inn hired 43 chefs after a mix up with a local employment agency. All of them worked on a carrot and rabbit broth, a favourite of harbour workers back then, and it got spoiled because no-one could move in such cramped conditions. Two of the chefs were crushed to death and are buried on the beach, near that yacht next to Pearson's wall. There is a swimming pool and a helicopter pad on top of that block of flats near the football ground. Everyone that lives there is stinking rich and you can only move in if you have a bank account with Coutts of London. Whitstable FC's mascot is a giant Starfish called Stanley. He is rarely seen. Stanley Unwin's career began in Whitstable. He was in the Royal Naval bar one night and got so pissed, he muddled his words up. The rest is history..... In 1971, the sea froze over and you could actually walk from Sheppey to Whitstable over the ice. The then mayor of Whitstable, Archie Barjory (Majory's dad) asked locals to 'have a good clear out' and start a massive bonfire on the ice to stop the Sheppey folk from reaching the mainland.
......s'all true. That's what I heard.....
STOP PRESS; Our apologies to all those people who were expecting to see Madonna Ciccone live at the Neptune public house on Saturday 24th February. It has turned out that there was a little confusion at our end caused by a ‘fucking shite mobile signal’ and that it will actually be ‘Mad Donna’ who will be appearing, ‘If she’s not still barred’. By Roy Broughton