Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 73
Beth Tweddle issues restraining order against Sweary Seagull Olympian claims Seagull stalked her Troubled bird Sweary Seagull was issued with a restraining order this week after being found in Beth Tweddle’s laundry basket with a camera. Sweary, who writes an advice column for The Wind Farm, has strenuously denied stalking Tweddle and said he went to her dressing room to get her autograph, but fell into her laundry basket after mistaking it for rubbish bin. “Straight up”, he said from his Whitstable castle home, “It was instinct. I saw what I thought was a rubbish bin and naturally went to rifle it like any right thinking Seagull would do”. Sweary claims that Beth’s trainer returned to the room and the door knocked him in the basket before her trainer put the lid on before putting a heavy pile of towels on top, making it impossible for Sweary to leave. “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’ve nothing to hide and even tweeted her that I was flying over to London to meet her”. Beth Tweddle “Flattered”
Sweary’s case was, however, weakened by the fact that he was found wearing Beth’s underwear, an accusation that he denied again, saying “I’m...er....claustraphobic and I panicked. When it went dark in the basket, I tried to get out quickly and started thrashing about, like. Her underwear just got tangled up around me, and it looked like I was wearing it. Well, I WAS wearing it, but accidentally”. A shocked Tweddle said, “I’m very flattered that Mr Sweary wanted to meet me, but he’s really not my type. He’s a Seagull after all”. Tweddle immediately issued a restraining order against Sweary, especially after he was found with a camera on him as well. “That was my PHONE!”, said Sweary, “I’m being stitched right up over this fucking story!”. Sweary “Beth’s Underwear” The terms of the restraining order state that Sweary is not to go within 100 meters of Ms Tweddle’s house, car, washing line, laundry basket or any of her wheelie bins. “Well fuck her, then” said Sweary, “ I prefer Rebecca Addlington anway”.
Chimney stack could be ‘bigger than The Beatles’ Builder serenaded by singing chimney pots A chimney stack in Whitstable look set to top that charts this Christmas after being signed up by Simon Cowell. The stack, on top of the old people’s home on Beach Walk, came to the attention of locals when they serenaded a roofer with a selection of accappella style songs. “I couldn’t believe it”, said roofer Rob Thomson, “I was fixing a hole up on the roof, when all of a sudden I heard some singing. I couldn’t see anyone nearby and soon realised that it was the chimney stack singing to me”. Thompson claims that when the singing had finished, one of the chimney pots asked what he thought of their performance. “I had to be honest with them, and say that the one at the front, who sings soprano, was slightly off key. Other than that, I thought they were great”. News soon spread about the singing stack and locals were surprised to see TV guru Simon Cowell climb up a ladder to listen to them, as resident Enid Plankton told us, “I saw him on the wireless once, and here he was climbing past my window. Hasn’t he got big moobs?”. Her friend, Mavis Henshaw added, “Moobs, Yeesssssss”.
Speaking from his home in Florida, Cowell said “I have offered them a contract and guaranteed them the number one spot this Christmas”. The stack, however, are said to be reluctant at this point, news that has pleased local fan Sweary Seagull. “I hope they stay in Whitstable. Their version of ‘Up on the roof’ blows the Drifters away”, he told The Wind Farm Sweary, dancing to the chimneys yesterday “We just want to rehearse more and maybe invite a couple more chimney pots to join us, to form a quintet. Of course, it may be difficult as they’re concreted into the roof, just like us”, the chimneys told us. *
Gary Numan’s Cars voted the most popular song about Cars A recent survey of traffic wardens in East Kent has revealed that the most popular song ever about Cars is Cars by Gary Numan. 88% of traffic wardens named ‘Cars’ as their favourite song. Car Trouble by Adam and the Ants polled only 6%, I Live In A Car by UK Subs only got 4%, with Madness’ Driving In My Car polling a poor 2%. Suggs, who is often seen in Whitstable but not always in a car, is said to have found the poll results ‘Disappointing’. “Perhaps they prefer Baggy Trousers or something”, he said.
YOUR questions answered by a bigoted, sexist, drunken Gull..... Dear Sweary – You have weird taste, don’t you? You worship Doris Day, and yet you fall in love with that goofy looking moose Beth Tweddle. Are you blind, mate? – Jon Taylor, Teynham. Sweary Says – It’s all a matter of taste, my friend. That’s all I’m prepared to say at this point. Dear Sweary – I see from your facebook page that you’ve been diagnosed as Bi-Polar. How does that affect a sufferer? Sam Sung, Chatham Sweary says – In a nutshell. Terrific in bed, but fucking impossible to live with, my friend Dear Sweary – I can’t get that image of Boris Johnson dancing to the Spice Girls out of my head. Can you recommend a hypnotist or something to help me get over it? – Mel B, Liverpool Sweary Says – Check out the video of Boris’ chum John Redwood trying to sing the Welsh national anthem when he was Welsh secretary. Faaaackin’ hilarious mate!! Dear Sweary – Who do you think has the world’s biggest fanny? Ken Wood, Maidstone Sweary Says – Samantha Cameron. Hands down Dear Sweary – You tend to swear a lot, hence the name. But tell me, what is the origin of the word ‘Fuck’ Sweary Says – “Fuck” originated in Saxon times. Back then, if you were a nonce or were found out to be having sex with someone underage, you’d get put in the stocks and pelted with rotten fruit and veg. The stocks would have “Full unlawful carnal knowledge” written across the front, so the locals knew what you’d been up to. Back then, of course, they couldn’t read, so it was anagramised to FUCK. There you go.....
John Wallace spotted on Beach Walk doing....something. Local man John Wallace was spotted doing something in Beach Walk this week, but no-one quite knows what. Wallace, 33, was spotted in the early hours of last Wednesday morning and speculation is rife as to what a lifelong West Ham United supporter was doing in Beach Walk so early. The picture, left, clearly shows Wallace walking in a westerly direction, away from The Beach Cafe. A local man, known only as Mr SX said, “I saw him get out of his car, walk somewhere and then return a few minutes later empty handed. He was full-handed when he got out of the car”. The authorities are now keen to talk to Wallace, who has a history of walking around Whitstable doing things. Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police, said “I’m sure Mr Wallace had a legitimate reason to be in Beach Walk at 7.15am, but we’d like to speak to him anyway, just to be sure. We can’t have West Ham fans wandering around willy-nilly”.
Have YOU seen John Wallace in Whitstable? Send YOUR pics in to “Where’s Wallace?” on the Wind Farm Facebook page. There’s a free Wind Farm mug for the best pic.....!!
Penny Pappington cracks ‘The Bible Code’ Theologians amazed by nine year old’s theory. Child genius Penny Pappington shocked the religious world this week after apparently cracking the ‘Bible Code’ – something that theologians and thinkers around the world have failed to do. Penny, 9, of Seasalter sent a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury this week, explaining what the ‘basic meaning’ of the bible meant. “I was given a bible for Christmas”, she said from her home in Lucerne Drive, “And it’s really quite simple. If we’re good and are nice to each other, we’ll have a good afterlife. If not, we’ll suffer at the hands of Satan, apparently”. Professor Dingwat Leafy, of the department of theology at the University Of West Tankerton said, “She appears to be right. That is the central message of the bible. And all the other stuff about planting crops and touching dead animals and men and men and stuff seems a bit irrelevant now”. Penny was also asked to interpret the book of revelation, as we approach the end of the world on December 21st at around lunchtime. “That’s bollocks, that is”, said Penny, “The world won’t end then, especially 4 days before Jesus’ birthday. It’ll probably happen next summer”. The pope is said to be impressed by Penny’s findings and has invited her to the Vatican to meet his cats as a reward. But a reluctant Penny told The Wind Farm, “I’d rather have a new iPod to be honest. And some Haribos” Her father said, “From what I’ve heard, they’ll be no shortage of catholic priests queuing up to give them to her. LMFAO!......although they don’t want to try it round here, to be honest”.
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