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Suicide attempt after man had less bacon than he thought.... “Be careful when buying Bacon”, says tearful wife. Page 4...
Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum
Body found under Gorrell Tank car park could be Nelly The Elephant. Skelephantal remains may be resting place of legendary animal. Construction workers building the new underground cinema beneath Gorrell Tank car park have discovered what are believed to be the remains of Nelly The Elephant. Work ground to a halt as specialist archaeologists were called in to examine the bones of the huge creature and now speculation is rife that Whitstable is the place where Nelly finally lay after saying goodbye to the circus. “It’s almost a certainty that this is Nelly”, said Dr Craig Bolton of the university of West Tankerton, “Even as a skelephant, she still looks proud and grand”. No-one knows what happened to Nelly after she said goodbye to the circus, and her resting place has always been of interest to archaeologists. The song was written by Ralph Butler and Peter Hart but both took Nelly’s secret resting place to their graves after a car they were in was hit - by a travelling circus, ironically. Mandy Miller, who had a hit with the popular song in the sixties, was also unable to divulge Nellie’s resting place, but would not confirm or deny that she ended up in Whitstable when questioned. An elephant skeleton, yesterday Carbon dating techniques have dated the Skelephant to around 1958 – and the song was written in 1956, giving weight to the theory.
Nick Wilton, a local joke and children’s song historian said, “This could well be Nellie, all the evidence is piling up. The car park was built in 1959, and it’s possible that Nellie could have slipped and fallen in to the foundations”. Jack Fitch of Cromwell Road added, “I was a lad in 1958 and I can clearly remember a ‘TrumpetyTrump’ sound one night. It woke the whole street up. Some said it was thunder, but many of us at the time said it was an elephant”. Excavation work is expected to continue on the site for another month, with an official announcement due in March. Meanwhile, novelty punk band The Toy Dolls, who had a hit with their own version in 1980 are expected to pose for photos beside the skelephant next Tuesday and will be signing autographs at 3pm that afternoon. Lead singer Micahel Algar said, “We may have to re-write another version if it turns out to be the real Nellie”.
Shitstable! France protests after Ginger Baker’s floater causes a stink. France issued an official complaint against Whitstable this week after one of Ginger Baker’s legendary logs entered French waters. Interior minister Jacques Brulle complained to Downing Street that the stench was ‘unbearable’ and every northern town from Calais to Normandy had to tell its residents to close their windows. “It’s not on”, said Brulle, “Having a chemical factory kick out a stink is one thing, but that was nothing compared to Ginger Baker’s floater”. Councillor Marjory Barjory was given the task of dealing with the complaint, and issued an immediate denial, claiming that Baker was on tour in Wales with his band. But witnesses who came close to the floater claimed to have seen ‘ginger pubic hairs’ sticking out of it, and Baker was immediately accused. McCloughlin - Blamed But Baker, who appeared in issue 85 of The Wind Farm after one of his floaters sunk a yacht, has denied responsibility, saying “I’m not the only person to leave ginger pubes in a mars bar. There are plenty of people around who could have laid that cable. It could have been Janet Street-Porter for all we know”. The French, however, remain less convinced and have re-named Whitstable Shitstable and are now urging French tourists to stay away – and to visit Folkestone instead.
“Folkestone , que vous savez , tombé victime à une puanteur de une produit chimique l'usine dans Normandie quelques semaines il y a , et le plus petit nous can font c'est à visiter à eux ville et aider les local économie, “ Said Brulle, ”And aussi semblable à s'excuser à Keith Hollande dont plus éloigné était paraphé blâmé pour un jour puer. Nous seront encourageant notre touriste à visiter Googies café obstacle”. A modest Keith Holland dismissed the apology, saying “That’s very kind of Monsieur Brulle, but everyone blamed Kay McLoughlin anyway! LMAO!”.
The $6,000,000 Pensioner Local oldie selected for bionic transplants
Counterpoint With Col. M. FarquarLadygarden (Retd)
A 76 year old man has been chosen by scientists to become the world’s first bionic pensioner. Albert Horseburger, of Walmer Road was chosen after a bizarre gardening accent which saw him lose both legs, an arm and his eye after being caught up in his lawn mower. But it seems that Albert will be walking, and even running, very soon thanks to pioneering work at the university of West Tankerton. Head of bionics, Dr Hans Zimmerframe said, “Albert fit the bill perfectly, and we will begin the transplants next week. If successful, we will be producing many bionic pensioners to Whitstable”. According to Zimmerframe, the aim is to ‘speed things up’ in the high street and to cut out the time wasted by ‘Doddery old bastards’ who walk on the pavements a 2mph. A recent study showed that an average of 4.7 mins a day is wasted by citizens shuffling behind pensioners who walk two abreast in the high street, or stand at Zebra crossings looking like they want to cross, but are in fact lost.
“We’re particularly interested in fitting that woman with the purple beret some bionic legs. That way, she may cross the road in under two minutes, which will help the traffic flow”, said Zimmerframe. Early tests have been successful, although two pensioners died from electrocution after wetting themselves. “It’s early days yet”, said Zimmerframe, “And we are now working on bionic bladders that can store ten gallons of liquid for up to three days”.
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Dear Sweary – Where do you stand on the thorny issue of horse meat in burgers and stuff? L. Spacey, London. Sweary Says – Mate, we’ve been eating shit like that for years. If it wasn’t horse meat in value burgers, it would be the parts of the animal that got left over after all the prime bits had gone. What do you think goes into those kebabs you buy on the shelf huh? Four for a quid. It ain’t meat. It’s the nostrils, bollocks, arse flaps, eyes, ears and scrotums that were left on the abbatoir floor after it had been swept up. I hate vegetarians with a vengeance, but I bet they’re pissing ‘emselves laughing right now. Dear Sweary – How can I convince my girlfriend that I have no feelings whatsoever for my ex from 10 years ago? We bumped into each other in a pub recently, and I said Hello. My girlfriend then asked me who that was and when I said she was an ex, she threw a wobbler and I really thought she was going to glass her. She’s been mental ever since and is convinced that I want to get back together with my ex, when I don’t. What can I do? M. Martindale, Sittingbourne Sweary Says – Oh dear. I’m afraid there’s nothing you CAN do, squire. Women have this irrational, psychopathic hatred (Exbirdaphobia) of all ex’s and there’s little you can do to persuade them that it’s all in the past. Even if she’s a butt ugly munter, your missus will view her as Elle McPherson or that fit one from Home and Away. But, to be fair, if YOU were to bump into HER ex when you were out with her, how would you feel? He may look like Carlos Tevez, but all you will see is George Clooney with a knob twice the size of yours, right? Be honest now... Dear Sweary – I’m in a loving relationship with a wonderful woman, but I keep wanting to shag other women all the time. I riddled with guilt and it’s only a matter of time before I’m unfaithful. What can I do? – M. T. O’Connor, London Sweary Says – Well, for a start, stop feeling guilty. It’s natural. Us blokes are programmed to do it but there is a simple way around it. Wank more. No, seriously, think about it. It all boils down to that moment where you get your leg over, innit? And then comes the inevitable fucking guilt seconds afterwards, along with the fear that your bird will find out. Add to that the expense of having to take this bird out for the evening, the plotting behind your girlfriend’s back and all the other hassles and you’ll soon see that it really isn’t worth the effort. No, next time you feel like straying, pop into to the bathroom and knock one out. It’s over in a matter of minutes and then you can curl up guilt free with your girlfriend. Repeat as many times as necessary and DON’T be ashamed. I’ve knocked out five today – it’s starting to sting a bit but I can still look Harriet in the eye.
Local School thrown into confusion after misunderstanding in history lesson With In-Shore correspondent Carole Noakes
Year 9 at a Canterbury boys’ school was “on the verge of riot” yesterday, according to school caretaker Frank Stobart (58). “They was studying the aftermath of the First World War”, he told our reporter, and somebody asked a question about Bonar Law.” As Mr Stobart tells it, before the history master, Prof. “Whackem” Quelch, could reply, the whole back row erupted with cries of “Surely there’s not a law about that, sir?” and “Say it’s not true?” . Things went from bad to worse as a hail of Shorter Latin Primers collided with the school’s bound copies of Health and Efficiency, followed by the bogey ball which the class had been creating since year 6. The trouble then spread to other classes, and the sixth form boys organised a rota for chaining their fags to the school railings and, consequently, having to make
each others’ toast; a hardship which they gladly bore in the true spirit of the school tradition of rough living. At least fifteen boys were sent to Matron but she sent them back, saying it was “a step too far and what do they think I am?” The Head Master, Dr Profumo, (Centre) was unfortunately out that day on a factfinding mission and so after seven 999 calls had apparently been ignored, school officials threatened to call in Meridian TV. Order was restored by this, their “worst nightmare” according to Stobart, and all that remained to show of the day’s carnage was the heap of text books, the shattered bogey ball and one year 7 boy quietly sobbing “Amanda Piper”. School entrepreneurs, never wanting to miss an opportunity, called the Will Hay Re-enactment society but were told that they didn’t deal with school boys below the age of 25, and to try the St Trinian’s Register. Lionel Macpherson-Strutt (75), press officer, said, “What these young pups need is three weeks’ jankers and a cold bath. It always works for me”. He has, incidentally, denied any responsibility for the disappearance of the school drum kits during the disturbance. Any witnesses are asked to call Crime Stoppers.
Block of Flats goes on rampage after listening to AC/DC Hundreds of homes were destroyed and cars were crushed last week after that block of flats in Belmont Road went on the rampage. Residents of the flats fleed for their lives after the block started ‘headbanging’ to the sound of Australian rock band AC/DC before breaking loose and marching up Swanfield Road. “It was terrifying”, said local resident Jim Cork “I was watching TV when suddenly the ground shock and a massive concrete boot came through my roof. It missed me and the wife by inches”. Cork then described how the building, recently voted Whitstables 7 th ugliest landmark, stomped up the street kicking and punching any building that got in its way. Neighbours described how the trouble began when a resident threw a heavy metal party and the block of flats seemingly ‘came to life’. “It started with Metallica”, said Roger Fink, “After half an hour of Master Of Puppets, I noticed the building began to tremble. At first we thought it was the vibration from the speakers, but it was when AC/DC’s Back In Black came on that the trouble began”. Music psychologist Dr Con Chrisway of The University Of West Tankerton said, “It’s happened before. There are certain chords, notes and beats that have certain effects on people. And buildings. The relatively slow and deliberate pulse of ‘Back In Black’ makes one want to go out and punch people. Or buildings. It has a very violent, pounding rhythm which lends itself to that sort of violent behaviour”.
A block of flats, yesterday Calm was restored a few hours later after Police helicopters were sent in to play easy listening legend Perry Como over some loud speakers. The soothing effects of ‘It’s a good day’, ‘It’s Impossible’ and ‘Magic moments’ were said to have calmed the 170 foot building before it collapsed into a heap, crying. “That certainly was a magic moment”, laughed Sgt Harold Par Boil who oversaw the operation, “Although the people who perished when the tower collapsed on their houses may not agree”.
Planning application granted for Mermaid Brothel Local mermaid prostitutes were celebrating this week after planning permission was granted to turn an abandoned beach hut into a brothel. Madame Ethel Mermaid, AKA Madam Fin, who has run a chain of successful mermaid brothels around the Kent coast, told The Wind Farm, “This is great news not just for us, but for the locals. We’re basically half woman-half fish, and there is no current law preventing conjugal interaction between us and humans. And of course, we don’t hang about on street corners making the town look unattractive. All are welcome here”. The Brothel is expected to open in April, with a live performance from Marillion’s Fish.