Text Boxes ‘Getting smaller’ London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe shock report on page 4Issue 93 Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum
The Wind Farm
Nelson Road ‘Camel Man’ exposed as a fake. Local tourist attraction ‘Was never a camel in the first place’ A 56 year old mechanic who managed to convince people that he was half man-half camel has been revealed this week as a fake. For ten years, Neil O’Halloran would tie himself to a tree in his front garden, and make camel noises. He would often be seen trapesing up and down Nelson Road giving ‘Camel rides’ to local children. But this week he was revealed as a fake by Seasalter schoolgirl Penny Pappington. “My dad took me to see him as it was a nice day, and there were people feeding him and stuff”, the 9 year old told The Wind Farm, “But I knew there was something suspicious about him when I noticed that his hump was the wrong shape”. According to Penny, the hump was ‘pillow shaped’. “I shouted out – “Look. That hump is just a pillow stuffed up the back of his shirt”.....and it was!”. Penny also removed the camel snout from O’Halloran’s face, as well as the camel hooves that he was wearing over his shoes. Witnesses are said to have gasped at Penny’s revelation and demanded an explanation from O’Halloran. “He suddenly broke down in tears”, said neighbour Anne Foreman, “Before removing his tail, which turned out to be a frayed piece of old rope. He had us all fooled for ages”. Now questions are being asked as to how O’Halloran managed to get away with his charade for so long – and the dangers of giving children ‘camel rides’ on the beach. O’Halloran, yesterday “Tears”
Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, “O’Halloran hasn’t committed any crime as such, but pretending to be half camel and charging for camel rides is questionable at the very least. I am talking with the CPS at the moment to see if he can be charged with anything”. O’Halloran was said to be in hiding at the moment, and neighbours have expressed their anger towards him. Nev Willis said, “I used to feed him on my way to get the local paper. He spat at me a couple of times, just like real camels do”. Jo Mills, of Cornwallis Circle said, “He used to regale me with stories of how he was the camel that Omar Sharif rode in Lawrence Of Arabia. He even taught me how to say ‘Hut! Hut! Hut!’ for when I wanted him to crouch down so I could get off from my ride”. Gary Cullen, a water meter reader with South-East water added, “This will explain why his water bills never amounted to more than a few quid. He had us all fooled, that’s for sure”.
Tell us about your experiences with Camel man. Did YOU ride him? Did he spit at YOU on your way to get a paper? Did you ever feed him? There’s a FREE pack of camel cigarettes for the best letter!
72% of local residents would like to ‘Punch Street-Porter on the nose’. A survey by two local newspapers has found that not many people like Janet Street-Porter after she criticised local newspapers. Street-Porter, 78, derided the local rags on BBCs Room 101 and described Whitstable as a place where ‘nothing ever happens’, or something. Shocked residents immediately stormed her seafront house off Joy Lane with burning clubs and pitchforks, only to find that she wasn’t in so went home instead. But a survey by the local papers revealed that the town’s anger towards JSP has far from subsided. The survey revealed that:
72% of Whitstablites would like to punch her on the nose 8% would like to kick her in the teeth 10% would like to drag her through the streets behind a horse 4% would like to scratch her car 5% would like to throw a drink in her face and then ‘glass’ her afterwards 1% would like to wag their finger in her face and say ‘Watch it, goofy’ Street-Porter is said to have found the poll ‘interesting’ but has yet to apologise for her words.
“Stop using your mobile ‘phones to take pictures!”, urges man after 27th disaster date. East Kent’s loneliest man has asked dating sites to ban users who take pictures of themselves in front of full length mirrors. Charlie Cowell, an unemployed cave painter of Birchington, claims that every date he went on was a disaster because the women he met were the ‘wrong way around’. “If a woman takes a picture of herself in front of a mirror, it comes out back to front, or the other way round”, he said, “If she’s got a parting on the left, when you meet her she’ll have a parting on the right. I met one girl who had one green left eye and one purple right eye. I found that quite attractive, but when we met, her eyes were the other way around. It’s off putting, so it is”. Cowell is now demanding that sites like Plenty of fish and guardian soul mates prevent self phone portraits as they are misleading. “A woman put up a picture of herself using her phone, and she appeared to have a tattoo on her right arm. When we met, it was on her left. I don’t like tattoos on left arms. I like them on right arms. This practice needs to change”. But POF immediately hit back, saying “We have looked at Cowell’s profile picture and he’s no fucking oil painting himself. And after reading his profile notes, he’d be better off on the Undateables”.
Journey To The Centre Of The Earth - a Kitt A scientist from Canterbury University is planning the first ever one-man journey to the centre of Eartha Kitt. Prof Dominic Cancerian – Lugworm says that he’s wanted to travel to the centre of Eartha Kitt ever since seeing her on Batman in 1969. “It’s the reason I became a scientist in the first place”, he told The Wind Farm. Cancerian-Lugworm claims to have built a machine small enough to fit inside a syringe, but only after it’s been put through a giant washing machine at 90 degrees. “I will climb into the capsule and then it will be loaded into the washing machine which is about the size of a small shop”, he said. “Then it will be loaded into a syringe about the size of a torpedo and then the syringe will be put into the washing machine to make that small enough as well”. Eartha Kitt has been invited to Canterbury University to receive an honorary doctorate after that song she did with The Pets Shops Boys was voted the university’s most popular song of all time. “We’re still waiting to hear from Ms Kitt, but we’re confident she’ll come along”, said Lugworm.
Abandoned Christmas trees were ‘Openly drunk and having sex’ in Warwick Road.
Man strikes ‘gold’ in kitchen sink A man got more than he bargained for when he tried to clear his sink with a plunger last week. Chris Nolan of Baliol Road landed a fortune when he sucked up some Whale’s Jizz in his sink. The substance, known as Amberjizz and a huge favourite amongst cross dressing pirates, is worth £12,000 per ounce – and Nolan landed nearly 180lbs of it! “I never expected to wake up to a fortune in Whale’s manfat”, the unemployed wrestling referee told The Wind Farm, “But now I may never wake up again because I’ll be rich enough not to!”. The Amberjizz is suspected to have found its way into Whitstable’s drainage system and was probably spunked by a sperm whale, which are frequent local visitors. Mark Lawson and his group of sea shanty singers said, “We’ll be writing a song about this and performing it in the harbour during the oyster festival”.
As most of finally shake off the Christmas hangover, it seems that one group is still very much enjoying themselves. Christmas trees left on the pavements around Whitstable are getting involved in ‘free for all’ street orgies of drinking – and sex. The shocking picture below clearly shows two Christmas trees in an unspeakable act, and residents are now asking the council to clear up the mess. Craig McBain of Warwick Road said, “It’s made our lives a living hell. Warwick Road is fast becoming a no-go area thanks to these randy trees”. Other residents have described how foul language and ‘loud sex’ has blighted their lives. Tom Paine told us, “I was walking home one night when this tree lurched up to me and said, ‘Aaargh..y’ya ma besht fackin m-m-mate, you are. I fackin’ l-llove you, aaah do...’....it was terrifying”. But Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council said, “Removal of Christmas trees are not our responsibility. It is down to the owner to take them to the dump. If they’re being kept awake by loud tree orgies at night, it’s their own fault”.
More ill informed guesswork from the inebriated tongue of... ....’ere. Guess what, right. Tankerton, yeah? Lifesavers hut on the beach. Red and Yellow thing, you know it? Ever noticed anything odd about it? I’ll tell ya....never open, is it? Never see any lifeguards there, do ya? It’s all a show, innit? Mate of mine is a proper lifesaver at the swimming pool and he reckons that his boss said that the life saving hut is actually a church for local scientologists. AND mormons. Yeah! A fackin’ church! They share it through the week. Council wouldn’t grant ‘em planning permission to build their own churches, but there’s a by-law that states that if a religious sect wants a church, you have to give ‘em one, so the council were stuck. Had to give them a church, y’see. Trouble is, no-one likes scientologists, do they? Well, DO you? Had to keep it schtum in case anyone tried to burn it down. You know why they chose the lifeguard’s hut? It’s small – and all scientologists are not allowed to be any taller than Tom Cruise, who heads the church. Yeah! He took over from J.Edgar Hoover when he died a while back. And the first thing he did was to get rid of all the scientologists that were over 4ft 9”. Banned ‘em he did. Tom Cruise is tiny. You know what his real name is? Tom Thumb. Yeah – no lie. Stands on a box to do all his scenes. That’s why Kelly Preston dumped him, she’s way taller and he kept falling off the box. Anyway, lifeguard hut is not a lifeguard hut. It’s a church. It can fit 6 scientologists in at once, which is lucky because there’s only six in town. Reckon they may have to build an extension soon, though. Scientology’s becoming popular. May have to knock it down and build a canoe store. Or Kayaks. Mormons use it at weekends. There’s only two of them, and one of them is Jimmy Osmond. He travels down from Liverpool. That’s what I heard...
Col. M Farquar – Ladygarden (Retd)
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