The Wind Farm
“Raiders of the lost coat”
The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth...
Swalecliffe man travels to Tibet to track down legendary ‘Mayor of Amity’ jacket...
Passengers to stand like Penguins at bus stops.
Bus passengers in Whitstable could soon be forced to stand like Penguins under new travel guidelines. The measures were proposed by transport secretary Philip Rutnam following a recent report that found that Penguins were the most popular birds among bus drivers. “We have found that bus drivers are more likely to be polite and friendly towards passengers if they stand like Penguins”, he said, “They’re more likely to stop as well. You know how funny bus drivers can be. Especially the women ones”. Some Penguins, yesterday
An undercover experiment took place in Canterbury, where members of the public were asked to stand like penguins at one bus stop, and others were told to stand like normal humans at another. The experiment found that 82% of buses stopped at socalled ‘Penguin Stops’, whereas only 12% stopped at the ‘Human stops’. “There’s something very reassuring about the way Penguins stand”, said bus driver Neil Putty, “They’re peaceful looking creatures, unlike some of the humans we get on our buses from time to time”. Rutnam was said to be ‘satisfied’ with the report’s findings but has stopped short of proposals to get passengers to wear beaks and go ‘whaaak whaaak whaaak’ at bus stops. “There’s no need for that at this stage”, he said.
Band hire hard man to beat information into drummer. A local band has come up with a novel way of helping drummers to learn new songs. Rubber Biscuit have hired the services of ex convict and nightclub bouncer Ray Winshlag to beat songs into their new drummer with a club hammer. “It may sound a bit drastic”, said guitarist Joe Santorianinipini, “But it’s working. He learned a song in 5/4 time the second time of asking after being beaten last Wednesday”. Winshlag’s methods involved repeatedy hitting the drummer around the head with a club hammer according to the time signature. For obvious reasons, hitting about the hands and arms are off limits, though. “Winshlag got a bit carried away with one drummer and he’s been told he’ll never play again!”, Joked Santorianinipini. “And if Winshlag can find a way to stop drummers from dribbling, we’ll pay him extra!”, he joked again”.
Man solves mystery of uncomfortable bed. A man from Herne Bay got quite a shock when he returned his bed to the local B&Q branch, last Wednesday. Harry Monkfish, of Stanley Gardens, had complained to staff that his new bed was “Uncomfortable and lumpy”, and when bed department manager Lars Shmergeden inspected it, the mystery was soon solved. “I couldn’t believe my eyes”, said Shmerdegen, “But tucked inside the foot of the mattress was none other than the goodyear airship!”. The airship – or Blimp as it is sometimes known – got blown off course during the 1987 hurricane and was never seen again. “It’s been an enduring mystery amongst aviationarians and blimp experts”, said aviationarian and blimp expert John Michelin, “But none of us dreamed that it would be found in someones bed.” The fully inflated airship was carefully removed and returned to the hanger in Hertfordshire. Sadly, the crew didn’t survive and their immediate relatives have been informed.
Shmerdegen said, “We have given Mr Monkfish a new bed and would like to apologise for the quality control department missing the airship when they checked the bed”.
Raiders of the lost coat. Two year expedition ahead for jacket archaeologist. A Thetford man is setting off for Tibet next week – to find the legendary jacket that the mayor wore in Jaws. The Jacket, a sky blue blazer adorned with anchors across it, is believed to have been handed in to a Hollywood clothes bank before being shipped to Africa. Little more was seen of the jacket after this until a picture of a Sherpa wearing it in Tibet emerged in 1997. “It’s an important archaeological peice” said Robert Dakkins, “And it belongs in a museum”. The jacket is thought to be quite worthless, and costume historians have said that it would probably only fetch about a tenner at most if it auctioned. But Dakkin remains determined to find the jacket.
“It’s not about the money”, he said, “It’s about returning the most iconic piece of Hollywood costumery to its rightful place, alongside George Segals cufflinks that he wore in Rollercoaster” When asked if he was afraid that the jacket may have inherited God’s awesome power and was capable of wiping out entire armies of Nazis in one breath, Dakkins said, “Don’t talk wet. It’s just a jacket”
Sweary’s Craptic Crossword – with Kevin Molloy Across 6.
Down New what? You’re talking rubbish Ed! (5)
How’s your father? He’s fucked off so you’re one. (7)
Initially open legs do show signs of getting on (3)
9. Seagull noise? Sweary’s having a laugh! (4)
See 7 across.
11. Twat that Sweary hopes to encounter acrostically in the next seven days (4)
What? Smoking tobacco is Sweary’s favourite pastime? (8)
12. Home for a herd of farting cows? (4, 4)
Sweary cant give you a pair - he doesn’t care (5)
7. and 3 Down Urinate Vertically? what 13 and 17 are for. (4, 2)
15. Swimming little Swearys not yet mature term of endearment? (9)
8.. Sweary’s one active lug in a jumble sale (7)
17. Never said to Swaeary by a gullette (2) 10. Oi! On the radio to get squiffy (6) 18. Japan/s article-less … ejaculatory peeper. (3) 19. Sweary says “I love you” – It’s a big un. (3) 20. Sponge without the Home Counties creates a stink (4) 21. Ale washing around shore to get to the bottom. (8)
13. Boozer full of hazards? (5) 14. Cameron regularly talks such family jewels (8) 16. Sweary’s favourite jewellery is made of this quiet noble man without a body part acoustically (5)
24. Nasty legs with no horses deliver class (5)
17. Ale around shore suggests a familiar boozer (5)
25. Tosser of an anchor heard to be going West initially (6)
22. Sweary’s missing direction and years for an organ (3)
29. Row leads to a Paedo? (7)
23. Grand following pale – one can’t be beaten (but you can beat one of 40) (4)
30. Negative path for Sweary’s missus’s refusal to 27 (2, 3) 31.
American expression for mess around with no aspiration for a numpty.
34. Little man in a boat about short literature (4) 35. We coin randy mixed up shop that has not an article in it. (5, 6) 37. Bum heading for the north to find a manager of a crap football team without Capone (5)
24. 10 cat did it on the mat (4) 26. A mad stew stewed television super hero’s representative? Fuck me a proper clue! 27. Graduate teacher provides the scene for many of Sweary’s triumphs 28 Grand Union, for example, doesn’t start to reach the bottom approach (4) 29. Sounds like maths term might be a Leo. (4) 32 Sweary’s hard on the Gullettes’ favourite. (4)
39. Pudendum probably contains shit (4) 40. Sweary’s home for confused bats with a white student (9) 41. Sweary likes ‘em fertilised in the morning (4)
33 International organisation leads falling sickness which is neither healthy or attractive (5) 34 Ammunition for Sweary – that’s nonsense (4) 36 Bloody state of Sweary’s 32 after a session (3) 38 Goes before a loo so we hear to cause droop. (3)
22 23 25
34 36 37
Solution in next week’s Wind Farm! _____________________________________________________________________
Spot Sweary! – Can YOU spot Whitstable’s favourite Seagull in this picture?
Bucket found in home may have belonged to Larry Grayson. Bucket could be worth more than originally thought A bucket discovered in a cupboard recently may not have belonged to Leslie Crowther as originally thought. The plastic bucket, which is thought to have had the initials L.C written on the side in tippex, was discovered in a house in Walmer Road. The owner, Harry Lawson claimed that the bucket once belonged to Leslie Crowther (See issue 84), but carbon dating techniques and simple graphology may have revealed the truth. “If you take a closer look at the ‘C’ on the bucket, it is, in fact, a ‘G’. This makes the initials L.G. and for that reason, we believe this bucket may have belonged to Larry Grayson”, said Dr Colin Wellard of the university of West Tankerton. But bucket historian Dennis Denis has cast doubt on this theory, saying “There is nothing in any of Grayson’s biographies to suggest that he owned a bucket. But we are still researching...”. The bucket, yesterday Isla St Clair, who co-presented The Generation Game with Grayson for twenty years said, “I remember buckets being involved in some of the show’s games, and I visited Larry’s home on many occasions but didn’t see any buckets whilst there. He was a very private man”. Harry Lawson said, “If it belonged to Grayson, it could be worth a lot more. He was more popular than Crowther, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he...?” ________________________________________________ ...’ere. They’ve let me back in The Albert. Yeah, done it
up proper posh, like. You’ll never guess who owns it? Go on. I’ll tell ya. Only George fucking Osbourne, Yeah! Tax fiddle they reckon. Owns a string of pubs and restaurants they reckon. Got his eye on the Hotel Continental as well. But guess who might be buying that as well? Huh? Give up? .....The Eagles! Yeah, reckon they might be going into partnership with Dave Gilmour. He was in The Albert the other day – wearing a Pink Floyd T-Shirt. It’s all rumours, but get this....George Osbourne was in here the other day and he told the bar staff not to put tables and chairs outside the pub because most of the regulars in here spend the day here. Doesn’t want to send out the message that it’s OK to drink all day. Hypocrite, right?! He was in here with Ian Duncan Smith the other day and they had a drinking competition. Hardcore. Never seen anything like it. Had to drink a yard of vodka in record time. Osbourne beat IDS every time – and ate the glass afterwards. Gets a bit lairy when he’s pissed, though. That’s how he got away with travelling first class with a second class ticket. Pissed at the time, and offered to take the lot of the staff on when they challenged him. Well ‘ard. They all backed off. Anyway, The Eagles, yeah? Gonna outbid Jamie Oliver to buy the Hotel Continental. Call it the Hotel California because of the sunsets. You know the council are going to start charging to look at the sunsets, don’t ya? Tell ya more next week. Osbourne’s coming down here later for happy hour....
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