The Wind Farm
“Ted Moult ‘s spirit seduced me – after selling me double glazing” – Local woman’s amazing claim ! Page 4...
The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth...
David Essex blamed for Dolphin beaching
back into the sea, and he said Hold Me Close, Don’t Let Me Go. They’re funny little creatures, aren’t they?”
70s pop star David Essex has been told to stop singing at his Whitstable home after gaining a new legion of fans – Dolphins.
Whitstable Town FC ready to sign Mark Hughes.
Essex, 81, was said to be re-recording the Eastenders theme tune, Anyone Can Fall In Love, when a pod of Dolphins raced towards the beach outside his £5m mansion. “There must have been 50 of them”, said Witness James Daniels, “They all looked very happy and some of them were even singing along. They sounded better than Anita Dobson, that’s for sure”. But problems began when some of them became trapped on the beach, and locals immediately sprang into action – including Essex himself. “I love Dolphins”, he said, “And when I saw what had happened, I rushed out to help them. We were able to physically drag some back into the sea, but in the end someone rowed me out to sea and I sang Evita to them. That soon shifted them” Local Dolphin researcher Ken Girvan said, “We’ve asked Mr Essex not to sing at his home as this is not the first time Dolphins have gathered to listen to him. We were lucky this time.” However, one of the Dolphins was reluctant to return to the sea, as Essex explained. “I grabbed one of them to drag him
Whitstable FC announced this week that they are ready to sign QPR manager Mark Hughes. The under pressure manager, whose team have yet to win a game this season, is predicted to get the sack this week, and WFC are set to pounce. A source told us, “It’s only a matter of time. We know he likes Whitstable, as he’s often been spotted in The Pearson’s eating Oysters and making sand castles on west beach”. The manager’s office has been painted yellow, Hughes’ favourite colour and posters of his favourite cartoon character, Peppa Pig, have been hung. “He’s welcome here if things don’t work out at QPR”, the source told us.
Yacht capsizes after collision with Ginger Baker’s Turd. Three people were rescued last week after their yacht collided with one of Ginger Baker’s poos. The incident happened off the Tankerton coast just after 7pm last Tuesday, and the local RNLI were scrambled to rescue the yacht owners. “It was terrifying”, said Ron Godwin, of Thetford, “We were sailing past the forts when we saw what appeared to be an iceberg ahead of us. As we got closer, there was a terrific stench and we realised what it was. My mate shouted out ‘FLOATER!”, but it was too late”. Despite desperate evasive moves the 30ft yacht collided with Baker’s floater, tearing away the pointy end and forcing the owners to abandon ship. “Luckily, we were able to fire off a distress flare first”, said Godwin. A spokesman for the RNLI said, “We were able to reach them quickly, and all three were plucked from the sea to safety. We would have got there quicker were it not for us having to sail around Baker’s poo”, he said, “It was the size of a big house. Baker must have an arse like a fresh bullet wound this morning”. This is the third incident involving one of Baker’s floaters, according to the local coastguard. Last July, the Maunsel forts were damaged after being hit by a 400 foot log and in August the Oyster festival firework display was delayed after the tug became stuck fast in one that had sunk. The Wind Farm contacted Eric Clapton who told us, “Yes, well, Ginger’s always had this problem. They call me ‘slow hand’, but we used to call him ‘Slow poo’. It takes him ages to strain one out, and we cancelled quite a few concerts because he spent so much time on the bog”. Baker was unavailable for comment, but is said to have apologised to the yacht’s crew.
That pissed bloke from The Marine Hotel... ...ere. Get this, right? You watch masterchef? Greg Wallace and Monica whassername....ever wondered why Monica is always pulling that silly expression when she’s watching the chefs prepare the dishes? They film it before hand, like. Mate of mine reckons his cousins boyfriend is a cameraman on the show. They film her and Wallace making them faces before the show, but – get this – Monica Galetti has this illness where her face remains expressionless. Can’t smile, can’t frown, can’t look happy or sad or nothing...childhood illness apparently. Ate the part of a puffer fish that makes you ill when she was eight apparently. Never recovered. Anyway, my mate reckons they employ a professional nipple tweaker. Yeah! Professional Gooser. Goes up behind Monica and gooses her one. That’s how she does that surprised look on her face. Next time you see her on TV and she does that bulgy eyed look, it’s cause she’s been tweaked. Does the same to Michel Roux Jnr as well, except he cock knocks him. You know Greg Wallace has bought The Albert? Yeah! Doing it up right now, they are, gonna turn it into a gastro pub they reckon. Only serving desserts though. S’True...why do you think they’ve taken the old ones out and put new double doors in? Reckons he’s gonna give Heston Blumenthal a run for his money by serving all sorts of weird desserts....Strawberry Tortoise Mousse, Banana and Giraffes tongue porridge, Bovril cornflakes in a red wine jus. Blumenthal’s place is called The Fat Duck, right. Guess what this place is gonna be called. The Fat Cunt. Yeah, they’ve put in for planning. Want a neon sign that says ‘The Fat Cunt’ outside. Council said no. Don’t like using Neon, apparently. Dangerous gas, aggravates Seagulls. Turns then vicious. Ask my mate. He’s a chef at The Marine Hotel, he knows.
Blinded by the lights.... The Streets of Herne Bay were filled with gasps this weekend as Robert Fripp’s wife turned on the Christmas lights. Locals pointed at the tree and said ‘Ooooh look! Shiny!!’ as the 6ft tree lit up. Others are said to have fainted and at least two people ran away screaming as electricity was introduced to Herne Bay for the first time last Saturday. However, Toyah Wilcox said, “It was funny, really. All the locals gathered around the tree and when the lights went on, it looked like a religious experience to many of them”. Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, “It was a mainly peaceful event, although we did have to move on a group of people who were wandering around the tree in a circle chanting ‘Lights! Lights!’....It’s got to be a big day for them, I suppose”.
Ask Sweary...... Dear Sweary – I cannot give my wife an orgasm. I’ve tried all the usual methods but she says she ‘finds it hard to relax’...what can I do? Bill Bixby, Hulksville Sweary Says It’s not an easy thing to do. Some women are incapable, and some, like Harriet, come like an express train as soon as I look at her. Anyway, the secret is relaxation and a great way to relax is to laugh. Buy her The Wind Farm Christmas Annual 2012 (Priced 9.99) and your problems will be solved. Dear Sweary - My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend. I’m curious, but not sure if it’s a good idea. What should I do? K. Burley, London Sweary Says Mmmm...threesomes. Always a tricky idea and few people consider the consequences afterwards. However, the key to enjoying a threesome is relaxation, and a great way to relax is to laugh. Buy a copy of The Wind Farm Easter Annual (9.99) and see how you feel afterwards... Dear Sweary – I’m 56 and suffer from erectile dysfunction. I’ve tried Pornhub and all the usual free sites, but I still can’t get wood. What would you recommend? Sweary Says – The secret is to be relaxed, and the best way to relax is by laughing etc etc....
BANKSY UNMASKED By our Art correspondent Lucian Fraud For many years the art world has been entertained and outraged by the unconventional works of graffiti artist Banksy. Whilst his playful and provocative ‘Street Art’ has earned him high praise and lots of money, his identity has remained a closely guarded secret. Intrigued by this enigma, I felt it my duty to track down the man behind the spray-can. My extensive research led me from back alleys and art suppliers to the very gates of the establishment: what I discovered was almost unbelievable, a double life so extreme that I am still unable to grasp the full consequences. Armed with my shocking knowledge, I conducted the following telephone interview with the secretive stenciler. Fraud: “I must ask you straight, are you the prankster known as Banksy?” Banksy: “It’s a fair cop, and I cannot tell a lie - it is I!” I was astounded, for the voice belonged to none other than former Leicester and England goalkeeper, Gordon Banks! I then asked the one-eyed wonder (recently voted the second best goalie in the world) how he became an undercover artist. “To be fair, it was simple. During my time as guardian of the Nation’s onion bag there were few distractions; we had no play-stations nor mobile phones, no wags and fashion labels, we had to make our own entertainment. Many of the lads took up creative hobbies - the Bobbies (Moore and Charlton) were both keen knitters; Geoff Hurst was at wizard with watercolour; Nobby Stiles’s needlepoint won prizes; Jimmy Greaves crocheted all his own bar towels; Big Jack Charlton could fashion a lampshade from macramé in the time it took the coach to reach the twin towers.” He continued, “I found an outlet for my artistic bent by subverting the meaning of mundane iconography with the witty juxtaposition of imagery and text. Early doors it was enough to make pieces as gifts for family and friends, however, with the encouragement of former FA chairman Bert Millichip, I decided to make my art public. Fearing that any fame I achieved would be informed by my miraculous save against Pelé (famous Brazilian footballer Edson Arantes do Nascimento), I exhibited under a cleverly chosen pseudonym. Before I knew it ‘Banksy’ became famous.” There was a pause on the line and the World Cup Medal winner said in a chilling voice “ Now you’ve bubbled me I’m as sick as a parrot. If word of this gets out, you’re toast. What’s your name?” “Brian Sewell”, I answered, “From the Times.”
Fart For Art’s Sake A local artist has caused a storm with his latest exhibition – bottles containing his farts. Valentine Dangleberry, 41, has named the exhibition ‘The impossibility of capturing the soul through the medium of methane’ and he claims to have sold several bottles already. “I’ll be dead one day”, he told us from his studio in Walmer Road, “And fans of my work will be able to keep a part of me for eternity”. “Just like any other ‘conceptual’ artist” countered local art critic Henry Horsemondean, “It’s often said that modern artists are completely up their own arses, and Dangleberry is proving the point quite effectively. What a wanker”. The exhibition starts at 7pm on Friday 31st and guests have been advised not to light cigarettes if they come.
Murky goings on in Folkestone's Creative Quarter - by Sandy Pandy It has come to light that a seemingly innocent women's craft group who go by the name 'Mermaids & Seagulls' is really a front for a murky underground organisation getting people 'hooked' on crochet and sewing. Our undercover correspondent Sandy Pandy risks life and limb to investigate: The group, lead by a mysterious and shadowy character, going by the name 'Suzi Pirate', hold various craft events selling their seemingly innocent wares around the Folkestone area. Initially thought to be a 'friendly craft group' who claim to 'encourage local women to express their creativity', my investigations reveal a much more sinister purpose to their actions. Recovering craft addict, Jean McKenna, told me “I was attracted to the group because of their friendly nature. It was like having a new group of friends to discuss sewing & knitting techniques with. It was only when my partner started complaining about the amount of money I was spending on yarn that I had to confront my addiction to making. Even now I miss the companionship and access to the latest patterns and wools”. When I noticed the ball of yarn and crochet hook hidden at the bottom of Ms McKenna's bag when she reached in for money to pay for her coffee, she told me “It's not what it looks like! I can handle it! Please don't tell my other half!” before bursting into tears. I also met a worried husband, Mr N. Esson, whose wife Allison is believed to be newly involved in the group. Mr Esson has expressed concern about his wife being strangely drawn to local wool shop 'Loremar' and has noticed glitter and remnants of thread appearing about the house. When he confronted his wife about the evidence of surreptitious craft activity around the family home, Mrs Esson denied all knowledge and pointed the finger at their teenage babysitter. Mrs Esson's work colleagues have also expressed concern about her turning up late to work with glue in her hair. Local Constabulary have expressed concern that the group have set up a shop at 67 The Old High Street, Folkstone this December and have warned locals to steer clear, especially between the hours 10-am to 5pm when the women are expected to be plying their trade. PC Bob Jobson of Folkestone Police Station gave this advice: “We want locals to be vigilant this Xmas period. If anyone offers you handmade goods or local 'produce' just say 'No'. Stick to the high street brands, you'll be getting the same goods as everyone else and it's much safer for you and your loved ones.” When I asked the Creative Quarter for a comment Andrew Luckhurst, a spokesman for the Quarter's Management team said “Oh my God! My wife has just taken up crochet!” before running out of the door. Mrs Luckhurst is believed to be making a full recovery, thanks to her husbands quick actions. If any of the issues in this article affect you or your friends and family you can talk to The Wind Farms resident Agony Uncle and addiction expert Sweary Seagull on 0800-SWE-ARY.
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