The Wind Farm The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth....
Issue 84 includes.... Ask Sweary ... That Pissed Bloke From The Marine Hotel... Speaking Words Of Wisdom...From inside the Whitstable Helmet... The BIG story! – with Sandy Pandy...
Googies praised for alerting Inland Revenue about Starbucks
Rogue sofa attacks again
A popular coffee shop in Folkestone was praised this week for blowing the whistle on tax dodgers Starbucks.
A couple of ramblers have spoken of their horror at being attacked by the rogue sofa that has been terrorising people around Seasalter.
Googies art cafe / bar in Rendezvous Street first alerted the government to Starbucks’ tax dodging shenaningans after placing a sign outside their cafe saying ‘We pay our taxes and STILL make better than Starbucks’. It was by pure chance that MP Margaret Hodge saw this and immediately contacted Starbucks chairman and demand he explain himself to a public accounts committee. “I had no idea that this sort of thing was going on”, said Hodge, “I just happened to be on my way to the hairdressers when I saw the sign. I asked Keith what this was all about and he said that Starbucks don’t pay tax. The fucking cheek of it”. Keith Holland, who co-owns the popular hang out with partner of 30 years Steve Rees said, “What’s right is right, right? If they spent more time making coffee rather than dodging taxes, they’d learn how to make a decent coffee instead of that God awful shit they make. Not that I’ve ever been there”. Hodge said, “We need more people like Keith and Steve to be vigilant about these tax dodging corporations. Heaven knows, it’ll be Amazon and Google before we know it! LOL!” Starbucks’ chief financial officer Troy Alstead said, “We would have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids”.
Alec and Karen Marsh were enjoying a Sunday afternoon stroll along the saxon shore way when they claim that the sofa leapt on Alec and tried to ‘Bum him off’. “He pinned my husband to the ground and said, ‘You sure have got a pretty mouth, boy’...and tried to take his pants down”. However, the sofa was seen off by a man passing in his canoe with a bow and arrow. A grateful Karen Marsh said, “If it wasn’t for this man, my husband could have been seriously injured”. Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “We are doing all we can to find this sofa, but so-far we haven’t had any leads. Ha! See what I did there!?”.
Whitstable florist voices concerns for Ocean Finance actor’s future.
Michelin Star Awards ‘Rigged’ - says local Chef. A local pub chef has accused the Michelin awards of being ‘corrupt’ after losing out again. Robert Merch, head chef of The Fictional Arms in Albert Street accused the panel of ‘taking back handers from the restaurants that make good money’ in order to achieve the prestigious award. “Everyone knows that the mark of a good restaurant is how quickly the head chef can slice and onion”, he said, “I can slice a big Spanish onion – without even looking at it – in under 5 seconds”. The ability to humiliate waitresses, get commis chefs to clean the fat trap and buy dodgy looking mushrooms for foragers were also skills that he claimed were ‘ignored’ by the Michelin panel. “Being a good chef is not all about cooking good food”, said Robert, also known as ‘Four Finger Bobby’, ‘They need to widen their scope a bit. I cooked fish for the Queen Mother in 1982, and I’ll wager that some of these so called Michelin chefs hadn’t even started catering college back then”.
A florist from Whitstable has launched a charity aimed at raising money for acting lessons for anyone who appears in finance ads. Jane Helena Farquar, of Albert Street Flowers, launched the campaign after watching the advert where the bloke has a lightbulb on his head. “I feel terribly sorry for these actors”, she said, “I feel sure that, with the proper training, they could pull off Shakespeare at the Globe”. Farquar plans on starting flower arranging classes and has pledged that 60% of her fee will go towards JAFFA (Jane’s action fund for finance actors). Neil Flack, who plays that bloke with the large light bulb on his head said, “This is terrific news for struggling finance adverts everywhere. That light bulb is heavier and hotter than it looks. I had hair before those adverts”.
The BIG story with Folkestone correspondent Sandy Pandy It came to light this week that a Kent based recycling group was being used to rehome unwanted family members. The site, 'Folkestone Free Stuff', was set up so that local people could recycle unwanted household goods and clothing, but this week members took a vote to allow family members to be included amongst the listings for bric-a-brac and old sofa's. The move came about after lengthy debate on the site about the morality and practical details about rehoming. Members voted overwhelmingly in favour of allowing the adverts to be placed on the site, an indication of the tough times facing households in the current financial climate. Amongst the listings now on the site was an advert for 'Beryl, 86'. The advertiser, Mrs Ingrid Bred of Pond Lane, Cheriton said “Unfortunately we have had to take this sad decision to rehome my Mother-in-law. It breaks my heart, but my husband has recently been made redundant and we have had to look very hard at the family finances and have come to the conclusion that we can no longer afford to keep Beryl. She comes with her own dentures and commode, and we are sure she will make a happy addition to a family who currently don't have their own Grandma”. Tommy (Left) – “House Trained” Also being offered is 'Tommy, 13 year old male'. The listing reads 'Tommy is house trained and comes with his own X-Box and Nike trainers'. When contacted by our news team, his mother, Miss Barbie Made of Briggton Avenue, Folkestone said that she was a single mother and had been forced to make this decision because of rising food and utility prices.
“I'm a single mother with 4 mouths to feed, and after much soul-searching I have made the decision to let Tommy go. As the eldest, Tommy consumes the most and has been the most expensive to keep”. She added “I'll keep the little ones for now, but who knows how circumstances may change with this double dip recession. I'm going to make sure that any prospective family for Tommy can provide him with a nice place to sleep and a garden to run about in. I'm hoping that the x-box will provide an incentive for new owners to take him on.” Mrs P. Station of Lydd has listed 'Max, 17 months loving, happy male' on the site. When contacted she said “Our rental contract said we weren't supposed to have children, but we thought we'd give it a try and hoped to get away with it. Unfortunately our downstairs neighbour reported us to the landlord after complaining about Max's whimpering and whining when we left him in the flat all day whilst we went out to work”. When contacted for comment, Miss Fay Sless-Beaurocrat, of Shepway Social Services said “We'd urge people to use common sense and do thorough checks on prospective families for their unwanted loved ones. Times are hard and tough decisions are having to be made, but as long as nice new homes are found for these people it's OK Isn't it? It's better than being put down.”
Sweary’s Food Blog
– Step aside Jay Rayner, there’s a new kid in town.
Every morning without fail, I pay my friend Dave Brown a visit at his Deli in Harbour Street. It’s one of those little gems that so many eateries aspire to be, but fail. It’s a tiny place, with one chair – yes ONE chair – which is usually occupied by some bloke who comes all the way from Herne Bay just to drink their coffee. That tells you a lot doesn’t it? I cannot see customers of Costa making the same fackin’ pilgrimage, can you? Dave has a sandwich board outside proclaiming that his is ‘The Best Coffee In Town’ – and few can argue. But let’s not stop at mere coffee – the food here is fackin’ superb! A seasoned chef, Dave Brown, alongside his sister Ali and the gorgeous Vivian (Lovely bum) serve amazing food to a loyal army of regulars who enjoy eating it on the ‘terrace’ outside. I cannot recommend Dave’s Tortilla highly enough, nor his carrot cake topped with orange icing which Harriet, my beloved, described as a ‘mouthgasm’. And don’t get me started on his custard tart. Want a full English? No problem, Dave will knock you one up from ingredients that YOU request. How many other cafes in town do that? Here, you can buy all manner of cheese, meats, hams, biscuits, pickles, drinks and all the ingredients that he uses in his own dishes, should you wish to emulate them. But don’t. I tried it, complete waste of fackin’ time that was. The man’s a genius. With yet another trendy coffee shop, Harris and Hoole, threatening to open in town, let’s embrace the established family outlets with renewed vigour. Elliott’s, Windy Corner Stores,Tea and Times and The Beach Cafe are all lovely family establishments, but if you want that little bit extra, the sort that The Guardian creams over, you can do far worse than Dave’s Deli. Fackin’ magnificent 10/10
Bucket found in Cupboard may’ve belonged to Leslie Crowther. A bucket found by a local man may have once belonged to Lesley Crowther, he claims. Harry Lawson, of Walmer Road, found the bucket whilst looking for something else, possibly another bucket, and noticed the initials ‘L.C.’ written on the side in marker pen. “I was shocked at first”, the ex window cleaner told The Wind Farm, “To think that a bucket which once belonged to the father-in-law of Phil Lynot was discovered in our house just beggars belief”. The bucket has been taken away for analysis by bucket historian Dennis Denis, who said, “It’s too early to say at this stage, but we do know that Leslie Crowther (above) lost a
bucket in 1968, according to his autobiography. He never recovered from the loss, and it is believed that this lead to his alcoholism”. The bucket’s value is said to be anywhere between ten to twenty thousand pounds, but the value rocketed when it was claimed that Lynot threw up into it after he tried heroin for the first time. “I just hope they find out soon”, said Lawson, “I will probably sell it at Sotheby’s. It’s a very exciting find” Lawson’s enthusiasm was echoed by Denis, who said, “Be under no illusion. This is no ordinary bucket”.
That Pissed Bloke From The Marine Hotel..... Tell you what, you get to meet all sorts in Hotels. I haven’t been home for weeks – they’ve got rooms with beds here and in the morning, they make you breakfast! Well, guess who I had breakfast with yesterday, huh? Only the fackin’ CEO of Harris and Hoole Coffee shop. Now, no-one wants it to open in town, right? Tescos own ‘em innit? But get this – guess what trick’s they using to get people to drink there? Huh.....? Cub scouts! Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either....exploiting kids. You know what they do? He reckons Tescos are going to sponsor the cub scouts to do Bob a Job week again to get kids into peoples houses, and once they’re in – get this – they hypnotise you. Yeah! They reckon that the cub scouts have spent money hiring Derren Brown to teach cub scouts how to hypnotise you in seconds. Easy they reckon. They turn up and say “Bob a Job, missus?”. BUT – and this is the clever part – they say ‘Drink at Harris and Hoole’, very quickly in the middle. You only hear “Bob a Job, missus”. Old trick. Use it in Weatherspoons to flog their food. Ever wondered why so many people eat that shit? Even I wouldn’t eat their food. You ask for a pint, they serve you and when they give you the change, they say “Thank – eat our steak and chips for £4.99 – you sir”. Before you know it, you’re having lunch there. No-one knows about this, the CEO only told me because he was pissed, but trust me. If a cub scout turns up on your doorstep, slam the fucking door shut before they have a chance to say anything. And don’t look ‘em in the eye neither. The Albert re-opens next week. May start going back down there if they let me in.
Dear Sweary – Would you like to help sponsor a school project where we make one of them big tubes that go into the ground and bring up water? C.Bolton, aged 8 (Joy Lane primary school) Sweary – Aaah bless. Of course I will. It’s going to be hard work, but I think you mean well... Dear Sweary – Someone accused you recently of ‘exploiting’ readers of The Wind Farm by charging £9.99 for a copy of the annual. What do you say to them? E. John, Whitstable Sweary Says – Bollocks is what I say. They’re happy to read it for fuck all every week of the fucking year, but get them to put their hands in their pockets twice a year for a book and they shit themselves. Dear Sweary – QPR really are sorry sack of shit this season, aren’t they? M. Hughes – London Sweary Says – Oh DO fack off, Hughesy...
The Wind Farm Christmas Annual 2012 Available from: Harbour Street books Tea and Times Daveâ€™s Deli And Googies Cafe Bar, Folkestone Buy on Line at www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com