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Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 76

Whitstable scientist promising trips almost to the moon

First Whitstablites to possibly live on the moon by 2016 or 2020 Whitstable joined the space race this week after a local scientist pledged to nearly fly people to the moon. Professor Dr Biggsy Ramone, of the kind-of aeronautical department of the University of West Tankerton told The Wind Farm, “I haven’t actually built the rocket yet, but when I do, locals will leave the town in their droves. Although I can’t actually guarantee they’ll actually make it. Alive”. Ramone’s plans for trips into space are currently being practiced on Tankerton slopes using a giant slide made out of Tesco pallets. “Tesco generously donated them after we agreed they could open a coffee shop there when we land. But I must admit, the slide isn’t working too well. We need to adjust the upward trajectory thing as most of our trainee astronauts end up in the sea. Two have drowned already”. The rocket itself is made out of an old doodlebug that failed to explode in 1943, with a cockpit cut into the top of it with enough room for four passengers or twelve midgets. It is fueled by grease and lard collected from the fat traps of local restaurants. “The oil is filtered through on old sock and is ignited by one of those gas cooker lighters that give off a spark. At the critical moment when the doodlebug reaches the end of the slide, the fuel is…well, should be ignited. We’re getting there”, he said

Wind farm records record harvest By Jenny Rator, our environment correspondent. It’s harvest time at the Red Sands Wind Farm and boffins are predicting a bumper crop. An unseasonably draughty summer has helped to boost production of this precious commodity, breaking wind-gathering records. A spokesman for the generators co-operative, ‘Farmers Allied to Rotary Turbines’, informed us, “The amount of high grade wind we have already harvested from the North Kent coast has exceeded our highest expectations.” So confident are the farmers in their forthcoming bounty that they have applied for permission to construct temporary wind storage silos on the Belmont Road Cricket Ground. WRAIK HILL REAPS REWARDS The wind, when processed, will provide power for the entire population of Wraik Hill, as well as half of the even numbered houses in Yorkletts (though consumers are advised to turn off all lights before using a hairdryer). This unprecedented power surge could mean that the hamlets will not be drawing on any other providers for a period of nearly three weeks. When asked, one proud homeowner commented, “It will be a delight to watch ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ knowing that Simon Cowell is powered entirely by wind.” (As renowned Wraik Hill resident Joseph Turner RA once commented, “My business is to paint not what I know, but what I see”, though this was in response to a different enquiry.) DINGHY DOLDRUMS However, the farmers’ good fortune comes at a price; the removal of almost 88% of the available resource has left sailors and wind-surfers high and dry. “Whilst we appreciate that this blustery bonanza will benefit the homesteaders on the hill, little thought has been given to Whitstable’s traditional seafarers”, opined Yacht club Commodore, ‘Captain’ Jack Marrow. “We are obliged to ration our available wind, limiting our gusts to three blasts at high tide and a gentle off shore zephyr at sunset. The greed of those ‘FART’ers is playing havoc with our racing schedule.” So there you have it, the eternal eco problem - wind production always leaves a bad smell somewhere. JR

Why did the Elephant cross the road? Following the recent palaver in Essex when a drunken lout on his way home from a three day bender saw a cat and thought it was a tyrannosaurus, or whatever, The Wind Farm has received a report of a sighting of what appeared to be an elephant in Whitstable High Street last Wednesday afternoon. Extensive studies of CCTV footage and interviews with passers-by who were, weren’t, might have been or definitely weren’t because they were somewhere else, honest, Guv, and you can ask my mate coz he wasn’t there either, there have confirmed that there was indeed a large, lumbering presence in the locality at the time specified but it turns out it was Mrs Fatima Sloven (32 {stone}), of Pachyderm Place, Hernia Bay, out doing her monthly lard, white bread, burgers, lard, Mackeson and saturated fat shop. It’s thought that her grey track suit may have added to the illusion. Her husband, Walter, has asked the media to respect the fact that he wishes he had never married her in the first place. Mrs Sloven is recuperating at home and the public are reassured that she is not thought to be dangerous so long as you can do more than a mile and a half an hour and can find some steps to climb up. Local Tourism sources have reported a greater than usual incidence of mustachio’d Bloodnok types walking about with blunderbusses, bristling, and going “Ooohharrggh! That’s better!” On a lighter note, the incident has prompted dead Gracie Fields to come back to life to record a new version of one of her songs in time for Christmas. Release date is 22nd November. Pop along to your local record outlet and ask for Gracie’s “Biggest Arsed Pedestrian In TheWorld”.

By northern correspondent Andy Sanson

Ask Sweary – He’ll always tell it like it is.... Dear Sweary – My husband is forever moaning that he never has time to put his feet up. Any advice? – Kim Nacker, Holby City Sweary Says – Yeah. Break his fucking legs. There you go. Dear Sweary – Do you know where I can get hold of Kate Middleton’s lawyers? I have 11 tits that I’d like to hide from the public glare as well – Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool FC Sweary Says – It’s not that I can’t help, I just won’t. Your boys have been providing me with chuckles since the season began, fella.... Dear Sweary – Just what is modern art? Whatever happened to good old paintings? – D. Sewell, London Sweary Says – Modern art, to quote Al Capp, is ‘a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered’. And I fucking hate it. Dear Sweary – I hear the Neppy pub quiz starts again soon. Where should I stand to get a good internet signal so I can google the answers at half time? – That team that always stand at the far end of the bar, googling the answers at half-time. Sweary Says – Now look here. It’s supposed to be a fun quiz. It’s not worth getting wound up over a quiz where the top prize is a bottle of wine and fucking bragging rights. (But the best area is round the back, by the bottle bins)(Unless you’re with 3mobile) Dear Sweary – What’s made of plastic, contains sandwiches and hangs around French cathedrals? – Charlie Chuckles, Warminster. Sweary Says – Oh jeeeeesus. The Lunchpack of Notre Dame? Who edits these fucking questions?? Dear Sweary – Is it true that Emile Heskey is coming to Australia to join The Newcastle Jets? – Bruce McBruce, Bruceveville, Australia. Sweary Says – G’day mate! I wouldn’t worry too much about that. He’ll probably miss and end up in New Zealand! Meeeeeh! Meh!

Penny Pappington urges Greenpeace not to oppose ‘Supertrawler’ Seasalter child genius Penny Pappington has written a letter to Greenpeace arguing why the controversial new ‘Supertrawler’ should be able to go ahead. The Supertrawler has upset Greenpeace after it was discovered that its nets were capable of containing 13 jumbo jets – about the equivilant of two million cod. Or seventy billion sprats. Or 3 trillion plankton. A supertrawler, yesterday But Penny has offered a theory at a possible dual purpose for the Supertrawler. “What if....and it’s a long shot....but supposing 13 jumbo jets crashed all at the same time and in the same area. Surely the Supertrawler could be employed to pick them all up and take them back to land where crash investigators could then find out why they crashed?”. Penny’s theory earned praise from the organisation of crash investigators (OOCI). CEO Jimbo Jumbo said, “Penny’s idea is great, and it would save a lot of time for the OOCI if 13 plane’s did crash into the same spot of sea at the same time. Although it’s unlikely, to be honest”. OOCI were so impressed with Penny’s initiative that they have offered to pay for a trip to Eurodisney for her and her family. But a modest Penny said, “No thanks. I’d rather have some haribos and a new pair of trainers”

Knights of the round table visit Weatherspoons A Whitstable pub received some bizarre visitors this week. Regulars enjoying their Brake Bros lunch were stunned to see none other than King Arthur and his knights of the round table approach the bar. Barman Hector McGwyer told The Wind Farm, “It was bizarre. How they got past security when they were all carrying swords is a mystery. Sir Bedevere even had a spiked mace”. But according to Wetherspoons manager Jim Finch, the knight’s were not there to drink – but to claim that the land on which the pub garden is earmarked to be built belonged to them. “They were just a bunch of hustlers trying to make a few quid out of the footpath that we’re trying to build over”, said Finch. “Once I saw through their game, I told them to jog on. Fucking cheek of it”. Wetherspoons is currently applying for planning permission to build a pub garden which extends across a footpath which is believed to be owned by a family with the surname ‘Knight’. An advert has been placed asking the Knight family to come forward so that Wetherspoons may purchase the land, but so far no-one has turned up to claim it. “It’s a good thing the land isn’t owned by Atilla The Hun’s family”, joked Finch, “We’d have real trouble with that lot!”

Food critics ‘becoming lazy’ thanks to Facebook food pictures A leading food critic from Whitstable has shocked the world of food journalism by simply writing ‘Nom nom nom’ after every meal. World renowned food and drink writer Sir Dennis Minky-Whale, who has written for the Guardian and has also been on the Michelin judging panel, told The Wind Farm that saying ‘Nom nom nom’ was so much easier than trying to review every dish. Minky- Whale claims to have got the idea from Facebook after seeing continuous pictures of food that users had made that night, and had said ‘Nom nom nom’ to indicate that the meal was a success. Or was likely to be, as the pictures were taken before the food was eaten. “I’m getting on a bit now”, said Sir Dennis, “And the last thing I want after eating at the Leadbury is to bang on about how good the food is. Saying ‘Nom nom nom’ is so much quicker and sums it up nicely”. “Nom nom nom” When asked if he thought saying ‘Nom nom nom’ would be sufficient to describe the food at Lady Ga Ga’s new restaurant in New York, Minky Whale threatened to stab our journalist in the face with a fork, before leaving abruptly. _____________________________________

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The Wind Farm - Issue 77