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Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 74

Sir Chris Hoy loses gold medal to local Ice Cream seller. Nick Wilton given medal after replay shows he crossed line first Sir Chris Hoy was forced to return one of his Olympic gold medals this week after a video footage showed him being beaten by in the track race by a local ice cream seller. Nick Wilton, who rides a traditional Ice Cream bike around Whitstable, was spotted crossing the line one millionth of a second before Hoy – and has been given the gold medal. Speculation is now rife that he may receive a knighthood as well. Nick, 33, told us, “Business was a bit slow around town so I cycled up to the Olympic stadium to see if I could sell a few ice creams there. I made a false pass with a picture of Ronald McDonald on it, and I got waved through”. Nick’s troubles began, however, when he got lost in the unfamiliar territory and ended up straying in to the indoor cycle race arena. “It was quite a complex site”, said the specsavers advert actor, “And before I knew it, I was being pursued by lots of men on bikes, including Chris Hoy. They all looked a bit scary so I put my foot down and was doing 99mph before I knew it”.


Witnesses claim that Wilton licked the other cyclists as the laps continued but disappeared amongst the racers as they crossed the finishing line. “It was difficult to tell who won the race at this point”, said local cycling fan Neil Armstrong. But, two weeks after the medal ceremony, a sharp eyed official spotted Nick Wilton’s bike crossing the finishing line just ahead of Sir Hoy who was immediately stripped of his sixth gold medal. “I’m fucking gutted to be honest”, said Hoy, “But rules is rules and Nick beat me fair and square”. Back in Whitstable, Wilton told The Wind Farm, “I wasn’t even racing! I was just lost and a bit scared to be honest. I would have lost if someone tried to ‘Stop Me And Buy One”, he joked, “But they didn’t”.

Alice Cooper is the new head waiter at Wheelers Legendary rocker gets the job ‘I always wanted’ Diners at the world famous Oyster restaurant Wheelers got something of a shock last week when their waiter came to take their order – for it was none other than rock legend Alice Cooper! “I couldn’t believe my eyes”, said diner Dinah Finer, “I thought our waiter looked familiar at first and I thought it was Alice Cooper. It was when the boa constrictor slid out from under his lapels that I realised it was him”. Another eater, Rita Bita, said “He didn’t have his trademark eye make-up on, and his hair was tied back in a ponytail. But there was no mistaking that it was him. He’s a good waiter, despite the snake”. Cooper applied for the position of waiter after eating at Wheelers in June, and the management were delighted to take the 63 rocker on. “I love this restaurant”, said Cooper, real name Vincent Furnier III, “And as I’m just too old to be touring I thought I’d go into a kind of semi-retirement as a waiter. I was a waiter back in Indiana when I was a teenager and I loved it. It’s the job I always really wanted”. “He does a good job”, said chef James Daniels, “He even advised a diner to try a bottle of Louis Latour Meursault, which is perfect with fish”. Trade has increased in the 12 seater restaurant since Cooper began work there – but fans expecting a performance by the man who once at Frank Zappa’s guinea pig after he refused to make him a sandwich, are in for a bit of a disappointment. “My crazy days are over”, he insisted, “I won’t be performing or Poison or Bed Of Nails when I’m working. I’m more interested in serving Poisson on a bed of wilted spinach leaves!”.


A Haiku for Sweary....

Lord of the skies, Can fill your pocket with shit Through an open car window. And if you're still counting syllables You're a bigger cunt than he is. By Christine Brom....

....’ere. You’ll never guess what I heard in the pub the other night? Weatherspoons, right? The Peter Cushing pub, yeah? Only gone and applied for a special smoking license. Yeah – but get this – they’re paying someone to go outside and smoke your fags for you! Yeah, I didn’t believe it either at first. Trouble is, people go outside to smoke their fags, right? Means no-ones at the bar drinking. Well, I say ‘At the bar’, you’re not allowed to stand at the bar in Weatherspoons, get barred for it. Straight up, stand at a Weatherspoons bar for more than a minute and they chuck you out. S’true. Anyway, they’ve hired a professional smoker to stand outside and smoke your fags. Some magician from London they reckon. Can smoke 40 fags at a time. No, America – skinny bloke. Tom Mullica, that’s him. Worked dried up since they banned smoking indoors, see? He used to do smoking tricks but can’t get work now, poor sod. Anyway, his job will be to stand outside and smoke everyone’s fags for them. You know who complained about the smokers, don’t ya? That wierd couple that dobbed Tizi Deco in for that murial she had painted on her bar. Fuckers. They reckon they also complained about their neighbours cat for meowing too loud and told that bloke at the bookshop to stop diaplaying copies of Lady Chatterly’s Lover in his window.....anyway, the other thing I heard is that they’re going to employ spider monkeys to collect your glasses. Glasses that you drink from, that is, not eye glasses. Know why? Weatherspoons don’t serve people that wear glasses.....yeah. Next time you’re in, check out the drinkers – none of them will have glasses on. Why? Management reckon it takes them too long to order from the menu. Quick turnover see? In, Bosh, Out. That’s why the build old peoples homes next to main roads, innit? That’s what I heard........

And then there’s this........


Bridge over troubled drinkers...... A competition is being run to choose a new bridge design for the proposed beer garden at Withered Spines 'Bertie Cushion' in Whitstable. As part of their ever vigilant customer service Wilted Spoans are to expand the beer garden at the rear of the premises to enable those needy members of our community to smoke. And smoke in luxury at that, with a wide selection of fireproof loungers and poolside tables the clientele will be able to relax 24 hours a day in the 400 seat arena that once formed the much under used car park. The bridge will form a classical entrance to the architect designed formal Beer Garden, enabling a cinematic transition for each and every customer heading for their dose of nicotine. Carefully crafted to avoid any incursion upon the historical pathway linking the Council Car Park and the real world, the new bridge will be themed traditionally on 'Smoke and Mirrors', blending with the body of the pub. A passing point will be included at the apex so pedestrians may pause a while to drink in the visionary panorama afforded by the elevated position. Designs offering elements of recycling will be favoured by the judges in the competition. Top prize will be a lifetime membership of the Wasted Spons Dry Drunk and Druggie Rehab and Garden Centre at Uckfield, taxi provided twice a year. Runners up prizes are monthly crates of 'Greasy Lally Bolter' and two weeks job

appraisal at the world famous 'Whingeing Spires' in Cleckheaton (single rail ticket provided). A fine conservation quality 18 feet high brick wall will surround the 'Fuming Zone' which will be fitted with gilt encrusted soda fountains and salted peanut dispensers for the younger smokers. Topped off with specially developed smoke and noise reducing 'Jumbobrellies' in gleaming Paynes Gray, disturbance to neighbours could be reduced to a staggering 97.2% of background sound. Staff members will receive further excellent training to offer distressed customers help with holding smoking materials, lighters, matches and other incendiary devices. Any accidental burns to customers will be immediately treated by a newly recruited 'Burns Monitor', a holder of the extra qualification as 'Door Supervisor and First Aider Second Class' who will carry on his person sticky plasters, petroleum jelly and a supply of lollipops. Special licensing terms have been agreed between the company and a representative of the Grand National Union of Town Councils based in the Outer Hebrides. Our local Council have nodded acceptance to this by failing to tick the negative option box provided. A brand new range of commemorative beer mats and ash trays have been designed to add to the charm of this select development in the tranquil heart of old Whitstable. The first 23,000 customers entering the 'Golden Ashpan' will each receive a signature 'Timmy Marto' match book and sick bag containing coloured pencil sets and sketch books for the children.

By Richard De Daubbier


ADVERT


Teynham man found tarred and feathered Sweary Seagull wanted for questioning. A Teynham man was found lying in a skip last Saturday, having been tarred and feathered in what Police are describing as a ‘nasty attack’. Jon Taylor was also found with 8 pineapples shoved up his arse, with the leafy top bit going in first. He also had several beak marks on his body and Police are now keen to interview Sweary Seagull about the incident. “This is a serious assault, and bares all the trademarks of a Seagull attack. There were feathers everywhere”. Police believe that Taylor, 33, was attacked after some remarks he made about Beth Tweddle in last week’s ‘Ask Sweary’ column. “He also used the ‘C word’ when describing Doris Day in a facebook post. He was clearly trying to provoke Sweary, but it doesn’t justify the viciousness of the attack. He’ll never sit down unaided again” Mr Taylor was still too ill to talk to the police yesterday, and a nonchalant Sweary Seagull told The Wind Farm, “Here we go again. I get the fucking blame every time someone gets attacked by a Seagull. There are other Gulls out there who like Doris Day and Beth Tweddle, you know”. *

The Wind Farm Easter Annual 2012 “Genius” “Surreal, Irreverent and very, very funny” “Best toilet book ever” “I laughed so hard, I sneezed up a kidney!” To buy YOUR copy safely on line, go to www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com


FULL INTINERARY OF WIND FARM GUERILLA ART ATTACKS FOR BIENNALLE PLANNED. The Whitstable Biennale, which takes place during the first 3 weekends of September, is bracing itself for a whirlwind of guerrilla set pieces from the local art community which will show how brilliant it is to live in Whitstable. Aware that everyone in Whitstable is an artist and that 50,000 people live here they can only put their hands on their cheeks, shouting “we love art!” and let the deluge begins on the 1st September. Of course some may mistake the real art for the gorilla art and they may be some necessary bleeding but The Biennale Senior Executives who say “we really love art!” and the executive committee of The Windfarm who say the “guerrilla brochure is ready for printing.” Both agree to remain surprised by everything. EXPECT! Whitstable FM BBQ On The Beach Beach Volleyball On The Beach Mad Hatter Tea Party On The Beach Celebrity Tennis On The Beach. Courts. Which Child Under 10 Can Dig the Biggest Hole Competition Let’s get 5000 Candles Lit on the beach in one spot Tarot Card Readings On The Beach Mass Sketching On The Beach Mass Pissup On The Beach (oh, that’ll be happening anyway, regardless) Flashmobs Galore On The Beach The “It’s OK the write about art on our blogs without looking like a dick” Biennale Amnesty. So take advantage and join in or do something yourself but let us take the credit.

Issue 74 is dedicated to Sash Bishop.....


The Wind Farm