Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 65
War Criminal charged with massacre of TV advert families Notorious ‘Oxo butcher’ finally caught – In Swalecliffe. A crime warlord has finally been caught after years on the run. Radovan Milosivic, who was allegedly behind the massacres of several advert TV families, was finally caught in Swalecliffe as he tried to buy a bottle of milk from the Londis store. Witnesses described how police suddenly swooped on the shop, and came out with Milosivic in handcuffs. “There were police everywhere”, said local resident Jane Goodwin, “The community is in shock to think that an evil monster like Milosivic was living amongst us. He seemed so nice”. Milosivic has been charged with the murder of both oxo families, and also the attempted murder of John Taylor, who wrote the ‘Only does what only oxo can’ song. John Taylor escaped with just a broken nose when Milosivic ordered his tanks into the village where Taylor lived, resulting in the ‘Littlebourne massacre’ in 1978. It is also alleged that Milosivic tried to murder all members of Guys and Dolls, who sang the song for the advert.
The father from the OXO ads
Speaking from Whitstable police station, where Milosivic is being held under the prevention of TV advert family terrorism act, Sgt Harold Par Boil told The Wind Farm, “I can confirm that Milosivic is in custody with armed guards for company. This has been a good week for the grieving relatives of TV advert families, and we even received a letter of thanks from Lynda Bellingham’s husband”. Milosivic began his campaign in the mid 70s and swore that he would eliminate ‘All the perfect families that plague our TV because life’s not like that’. In 2007, he began a facebook group called “I hate the oxo family” and encouraged members to ‘cleanse’ the actors that appeared. This resulted in the fat one, the daughter, being run over in a hit and run incident in Hampstead last year, although it was never proved that Milosivic was involved. Moonpig.com are said to have had extra security drafted in on the set of their father’s day card advert after Milosivic heard about the ‘nauseatingly happy’ content. “We weren’t taking any chances with this one”, said Bill Wainright, of Right Guard security, “The script was so bad and the scenes so poorly acted by actors who can’t get any work elsewhere, we knew that Milosivic would try it on”.
Dedicated burnt cornflake worker dies Bert Harris, whose job it was to put one burnt cornflake in every box has died aged 98. Bert, who joined Kellogg’s in 1937, died peacefully in his bed surrounded by family and friends last Thursday. Speaking from Kellogg’s factory on the John Wilson trading estate in Whitstable, CEO Margaret Bath told The Wind Farm, “ Bert was a legend within the Kellogg Company, he gave so many people something to discuss over breakfast when they found one of our burnt cornflakes. He will be missed for sure”. A fellow worker, Ron Turnpike, said “Bert was dedicated to his job and loved hiding one burnt cornflake in every box. He was a joker alright, I remember once he put two in the same box!” Another colleague, Gertrude Holland, said “Sometimes, he would put one at the very bottom of the packet, just to keep the consumer in suspense. A lot of people looked forward to finding their burnt corn flake, so imagine how thrilled they must have felt when they found it in their last bowl! Bert truly understood what it meant to find a burnt cornflake”. Bert’s legendary dedication is said to have inspired Frank Zappa’s to write Flakes in 1978, as his widow Gail explained, “Frank had them imported, he used to love finding that burnt flake in the packet. There’s a glass case in his studio that contains 716 perfectly preserved flakes. One of Frank’s biggest disappointments, other than sharing a stage with Yoko Ono, was that he never got to meet Bert. He always wanted to”. Bert’s funeral is next week Canterbury cemetery, and mourners will be encouraged to bring along a burnt corn flake to drop into his grave as a mask of respect.
Pub Darts Team Wins First Match In 87 Years The Fictional Arms darts team was celebrating this week after winning its first match ever. The team finally found its form after 1984 world champion Keith Deller visited the Albert Road pub for a drink. “I noticed that the team had a somewhat unorthodox approach to playing darts”, he told The Wind Farm, “And I stepped in to help. Now, they’re playing brilliantly”. Team captain, Harry Fink II told us, “It’s a bit embarrassing really. For years, we’d been throwing the dart board at the player with the darts in his hand. When Keith showed us how it’s played properly, we all laughed. We all feel a bit foolish now!” Fink is confident that the team can now climb the league and win the season, but admits that there is still work to do. “It all makes sense now. The flighty bits on the back of the dart enable aerodynamicicity, which makes it more accurate when throwing at the dartboard. It’s really clever!” he laughed, “If only we’d known this in 1988. That was the year we lost Ian Stevens – he was decapitated by the dartboard”. The Fictional Arms’ pool team is also looking forward to a change in form after learning that the triangle can be removed from around the balls at the beginning of a game. “Who knew!?” said team captain Mark Potter, “And get this – the chalk goes on the small end of the cue, not the thick end”.
Get this right. Question for ya. When was the last time you saw puke on the streets? Ages ago right? Like white dog poo. Never see it anymore. Tell ya why......it’s been cleaned up by Vomit Elves! Yeah, straight up....hear me out, I didn’t believe it at first but my mate who works for Serco told me. Serco refused to clean up puke anymore, making them feel ill and demanded double time on a weekend to do it. Well, you know Councillor Marjory Barjory? She went behind their backs and hired the elves that live in Clowes woods to clean it up. You know the ones that live with Nik Kershaw? Live in a big tree, they do. Fix shoes and stuff for a living. Anyway, Barjory rolls up one day and asks them if they’d like a job clearing up the puke from pavements on a Saturday and Sunday morning, early like...before anyone’s out. Doesn’t want to frighten the kids.
Elves can be scary....anyway, she offered them less than minimum wage to do it, but they do it anyway. Good to get out of the woods every so often. Turn up with little pickaxes and shovels they do. Reckon they’re really quick an’ all, like ninjas. Ninja elves. So quick that the CCTV can’t even pick them up. They looked, right? And all the CCTV bloke saw was a load of puke disappear on its own. Like magic. Wash the pavement down too, they do. With super soaker water guns. Takes two to operate it, can be quite powerful. I heard that the council laid on a modified tuk-tuk to bring them into Whitstable. Rumour has it that that that bloke off the bank adverts drives them to work. Whassisname? Addison, from The Thick Of It. Curly hair, lives in Whitstable. Drinks in The Pearson’s sometimes. Doesn’t get much for driving them. Between you and me, I heard it was a bit of community service, know what I mean. Can’t prove it, but they reckon he tried to nick some curling tongs from boots......that’s what I heard.
Most people in Whitstable don’t know the words to The Big Bang Theory theme song: Survey reveals Despite being the most popular show in TV history, a shock survey has revealed that 98% of people in Whitstable don’t know the words to the Big Bang Theory song. Most admitted that the only part of the song that they joined in with was “We built the pyramids” and the “Baaang!” at the end. Musicologist Herman Fassbender, of the music department of the University of West Tankerton explained, “It’s simply too fast for people to absorb, brainily. Take that other song they did...erm....One Week. It’s a nightmare to learn the lyrics too, it’s way too fast. Maybe if they slowed it down, some people would enjoy it more”. When asked if he enjoyed The Big Bang Theory, Fassbender said, “No”. Local MP and Gorilla wannabe Julian Brassiere claims he knows all the lyrics – because he wrote it. “Yes, I did. They were struggling to come up with the words for the theme and I received an email from them asking for help. I’m still waiting for my royalty cheque actually”.
Journey to the centre of Sittingbourne Explorer Billy Hilary announced this week that his team are ready to trek to Sittingbourne. Hilary, who climbed the notorious north face of Tankerton slopes last year, told The Wind Farm “My team are ready and we will be leaving our Teynham base camp on Friday. We are excited about what lay ahead. We’ve heard many a legend about this strange town”. Very little is known about Sittingbourne to the outside world, and one of Hilary’s tasks is to find the legendary Milton paper mill – an adventure that has so far claimed the lives of several explorers. “We shall be trekking the A2 route and expect to be in the land of Milton by Saturday afternoon. We also hope to find any survivors of the ill fated Conyer canoe expedition”, Hilary added. In 1987, two canoeists set off from Conyer creek to Sittingbourne and have never been seen since, although a backpack belonging to one of them was found washed up on Sheppey.
Ex Cartoon Character Drives Local Bus Popular Viz character Big Vern has hung up his shooter and is now driving a bus in Canterbury. “I just want the quiet life naaaah”, said Vern as he set off for Folkestone. Big Vern, real name Vernon McNab, killed hundreds of people, many of them policeman, before regularly taking his own life rather than returning to prison. Passengers were surprised to learn that their driver was a homicidal bank robber, with pensioner Enid Ardizonne saying “I had no idea he used to rob banks and kill himself with a twelve gauge. That must have caused an awful headache”. Enid’s best friend, Mavis Sanson said, “Headache, Yeesssss”. Big Vern’s boss said, “He’s a changed man now, and always turns up for work on time. That’s all we ask”.
Dinosaurs were probably ‘Very Good Dancers’ Fossilised footprints on beach similar to Cha-Cha pattern
Palaeontologists, or dinosaur experts as they’re known, shocked the world of dinosaur expertery this week when they announced that T-Rexes were probably experts at dancing. A man walking his dog on the beach discovered some fossilised footprints opposite The Neptune and immediately recognised them as dance patterns. “I’m a keen dancer myself, and recognised the patterns as the Cha-Cha – except the footprints were massive”, said Marvin Schimlar of Nelson Road. Dinosaur dance Terry Dactil (Left) was called in and confirmed that the footprints did belong to T-Rexes, but also found evidence of the Charlston being performed also. “They were obviously very versatile when it came to dancing, but I suspect that they wouldn’t be good enough to appear on strictly”. The Wind Farm spoke to Bruce Forsythe, who just happens to be in Kent preparing for a concert appearance at the Hop Farm Festival, and he said, “It’s a very important discovery, and crucial to our advancement of knowledge concerning dancing dinosaurs. I only wish I was old enough to have been around to watch them!”, the 112 year old performer joked. Police have cordoned off the area whilst more dance steps are being examined, with a further discovery of what may be footprints of Velociraptors performing the Lindy Hop in Swalecliffe.