Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 60
Van Halen to teach traffic wardens how to pout Rockers drafted in to make ticketing 'Sexy' Canterbury Council announced this week that US rock giants Van Halen are being drafted in to help 'Sex Up' parking attendants. The band, whose hits include Brown Eyed Girl and Moondance, are to teach traffic wardens how to pout at motorists whom they've just ticketed in an effort to improve public relations.
Cllr Marjory Barjory, head of the council's ticketing and pouting department, told The Wind Farm, "Our parking attendants have been trained to ignore the abuse they receive upon ticketing a motorist. They're not even allowed to smile. But research has shown that a good pout can have a pacifying effect on aggressors, so we're retraining them how to pout". A trial run was carried out with local parking attendant Bob Barraclough. Mr Barraclough, who features in The Wind Farm annual after he shoved 86 parking tickets up his arse after being told to do so by the public, said "It wasn't very successful to be honest. I ticketed a woman driver and when she started shouting at me, I pouted at her as best I could. All I got was a kick in the goolies and told to 'F Off', if you please". After a couple more similar incidents, Barjory recommended bringing in rock band Van Halen after seeing an album cover in her son's bedroom. "I was particularly impressed with Mr Halen's pout, and if I'm honest, it made me go a bit moist", the 58 year old Lib Dem Councillor giggled. Barjory sent an email to Van Halen and they agreed to visit Canterbury to take the parking attendants through a pouting refresher course. Speaking from his LA Home, Eddie Van Halen said, "Pouting is something of a lost art. It's a well known fact that the smile is the only facial expression visible from 300 yards, but a good pout can be seen from 1,000 yards away. I once pouted to the audience at the Shea stadium, and a girl at the back of the crowd became pregnant because of it". Pout training begins next week, and Van Halen will play a one-off gig in the Coach and Horses pub, Whitstable on Monday 7th at 8pm. ____________________________ According to Professor Eugene Flake of the university of West Tankerton, the subject of pouting has traditionally divided the academic community. He explained: "There are those who subscribe to the view that pouting suggests a smouldering sexuality - availability even - and has been evidenced by the rise of cosmetic interventions to achieve this effect. Think Marilyn Monroe, and your probably on the right track. The other school is of the view that Pouting is a fish belonging to the cod family (Gadidae), which is found along the European coast. These positions are, of course, difficult to reconcile. Leslie Ash appears to have done a pretty good job, however, although my own personal view is that her cosmetic surgeon probably misheard her instructions."
Power assisted door attempts to rob its own bank Doors to be re-named after power goes to their head. A power assisted door at Whitstable's Nationwide building society was arrested last week after trying to rob its own branch. Staff and customers were shocked when the door suddenly broke free from its hinges and produced a shotgun, before ordering everyone to 'Lay on the floor and no-one gets hurt'. Nationwide cashier Helen Bach told The Wind Farm, "It was scary, I thought I was going to die. The door suddenly ran towards us with a gun
and attempted to rob the place". An off duty officer was luckily at hand and manage to wrestle the door to the ground before police arrived and arrested it. Speaking from Whitstable police station, Sgt Harold Par Boil told us "I can confirm that a local door was arrested and is currently, somewhat ironically, under lock and key ahead of its court hearing". Staff at Nationwide had previously complained to management about the door's attitude, as Miss Bach, 33, explained "The old doors used to be fine. But as soon as they became power assisted doors, they became a nuisance. I think the word 'Power' went to the door's head and then the trouble started". Miss Bach then explained how the seven foot door had previously refused to open for customers, turned up late for work, tripped others up and even tried to start a fight with a local scrap dealer. "The door would often turn up late for work, smelling of drink", said Miss Bach "He even pissed himself once and a customer slid on it". Nationwide have ordered that all power assisted doors now be replaced with regular doors and have instructed staff to open them for any struggling customers. Speaking from Nationwide's HQ in Thetford, CEO Jim Mange said, "It's another case of absolute power corrupting absolutely. Or something like that".
Rutherford Vs Mount - The experts give their predictions! With just over a week to go until the eagerly awaited boxing match between Margaret Rutherford and Peggy Mount takes place in Whitstable, The Wind Farm has been speaking to well known boxers to gauge their opinion on the outcome. Harry Carpenter, for many years the 'Voice' of boxing has warned of a blood bath that would make the hardest of boxing fans wince. "It's not going to be pretty", he said, "In boxing, the two fighters may appear to hate each other at the weigh in, and often say disrespectful things about their opponents during the pre-match interviews. But, behind all the hype, there is a great deal of respect from each corner. It's different with Rutherford and Mount, though. They actually do fucking hate each other". Carpenter went on to predict that the Queensbury rules would soon fly out the window and a vicious cat fight would take place. "I've studied these two in their films and I wouldn't be at all surprised if Mount were to smash Rutherford in the face with a brick. Rutherford, I think, will quickly go for a kick in the fanny. It'll all be over by round 3, with Mount winning". Local boxing legend Barry McGuigan said, "I think Mount will employ some dirty tactics, like ear biting and headbutting. Mount has a significantly longer reach, although Rutherford has the weight advantage, and a bigger handbag.....I predict Rutherford to win in the 7th". Chris Eubank said, "Ah Yeth. I think thith bockthing match will be over quickly. I heard that Rutherford hath been watching footage of Printh Natheem rethently and will probably try to employ hith tactith. I reckon Mount will win with a knockout in the theventh round", before driving his truck the wrong way down Harbour street whilst wearing jodhpurs and a fucking monocle, if ever you did.
"What I thought of The Wind Farm Easter Annual" With the cast of The Guns Of Navarone. This week - Anthony Quayle
Now, listen.....Kate Bush right? You know she lives around here? Ashford, I think. Saw her once driving a BMW. Her number plate's K 13 USH....s'true. Anyway, I'm down in Folkestone last week and you'll never guess what. They reckon she had a busker done over. Yeah - that little guy that plays the pan pipes, reckoned she had him removed because he was making too much noise outside the pub she was in. Drinks with the Gurkhas sometimes, she's huge in Burma, they love her out there. Anyway, she's in the pub, right, and this pan piper is playing Simon and Garfunkel songs over and over again. Never could stand 'em apparently....here, wanna have a laugh? Get the cover of Bridge over troubled water and put your hand over Paul Simon's face....on the vinyl album cover, not the CD - unless you got tiny hands...anyway, if you cover his face up, Garfunkel looks like he's got a 'kin great Cossack tache! Yeah...try it..... Anyway, Kate Bush as got the hump with this Pan Piper and she asked her mates to tell him to piss off, right. They went out there and apparently the music stopped immediately and he hasn't been seen since....no-one knows where he is. Even the CCTV didn't pick it up. Ninja, they are.....No-one busks there now, just in case. There was a guy that played the Ukulele, and he played Shine On You Crazy Diamond. Kate Bush didn't like that either. Know why? Dave Gilmour's her dad. Yeah....not many people know that either. That's what I heard.....
Whitstable folk singer in plea to identify mystery Ear. Faded photo flummoxes fishing folky Do YOU recognise this ear?
Whitstable singer Nigel Hobbins has asked the public to help identify a drummer after he forgot who it was that drummed at one of his gigs. Nigel, 33, told The Wind Farm "I was looking at the cover of the new CD when I noticed a partial picture of the drummer and couldn't remember who it was. It was from a gig a while back, but so many musicians come and go in my band that I can't keep track of them. I have spoken to a few of the local drummers, but have drawn a blank". The un-pierced ear, about 5 inches high, 3 inches across and partially covered by brown hair is currently on display on the CD cover in Tea and Times, Whitstable. Nigel has promised a free copy to anyone who correctly identifies the ear, but so far no-one has stepped forward. But Nigel remains hopeful, waxing lyrical about it. "Keep your nose to the ground, and keep an eye out for the ear", he may have joked.