Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 59
Margaret Rutherford and Peggy Mount to box in Whitstable Dead actresses lured into 'Big Fight' by local boxing promoter Boxing fans and Ealing comedy lovers were celebrating this week after it was announced that an unlikely boxing match is to take place in Whitstable. British comedy stalwarts Margaret Rutherford and Peggy Mount have agreed to a one-time-only boxing match at the Peter Cushing pub - and tickets are selling fast. "Tickets are selling fast", local boxing promoter Frank Turbot told The Wind Farm, "We're expecting a sell out crowd for this one. I've not known such interest in a boxing match since Benn v Eubank, although I wasn't involved with that one".
The match came about after both actresses died without ever resolving their argument about Mount playing the landlady in the 1952 TV series The Adventures Of Mr Pastry, a role that was originally written for Rutherford. Mount is said to have snatched the role from Rutherford after having an affair with the producer, Gerald Cox and Rutherford never spoke to Mount again after this. "Rutherford died in 1972 and invited just about every British comedy actress you could imagine, including Irene Handle, Pat Coombs and Hylda Baker to her funeral. Peggy Mount wasn't invited and the two have been kept separate in the afterlife since", Turbot told us. But a chance meeting at a celestial shoe shop bought Rutherford and Mount together and a boxing match was agreed on after they started fighting in the street. "Even though they hated each other, they were both passionate about cats and that's why the match will be down here - 20% of the takings will go to their favourite charity, The Cat Protection League", Turbot told us. The match is to take place in the Peter Cushing pub in Oxford Street, and the irony of having a giant picture of the hammer horror star watching over them wasn't lost on Turbot, either. "I'm sure he'll have a laugh watching those two slug it out, especially as he was in films with them at some point. He was in Passport to Pimlico, wasn't he?". But Turbot has refused to answer speculation that the match will be refereed by Arthur Mullard, saying only "The referee will be dead, just like Mount and Rutherford". Local boxer Barry McGuigan said, "I fancy Mount's chances. I saw her knock out Gordon Jackson in Sailor Beware in 1952, and he was still limping from it when he made The Professionals years later". ________________________________________________________
Nine year old sheds new light on Dinosaur extinction Seasalter schoolgirl amazes scientists - again!
A Seasalter schoolgirl has amazed palaeontologists with her theory as to how dinosaurs became extinct. Penny Pappington stunned the science world last month when she theorized that car alarms going off at 11pm every night were caused by the collective shockwaves of thousands of
heads hitting their pillows. (As reported in issue 50) But the precocious nine year old could be in line for another pulitzer prize after telling the science world that dinosaurs became extinct because of a 'Massive meteor striking the earth millions of years ago'.
"It was generally believed that dinosaurs became extinct because of cigarettes, but Penny provided us with a picture of a T-Rex which debunked that theory", said Professor Gladwin Bumbaclot of the university of West Tankerton. The picture (Left) shows the hardest of the dinosaurs, a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with a cigarette in his hand. But as the picture shows, its arms were way too short to
reach its mouth to effectively smoke it. "He wouldn't be able to light a cigarette, either", Bumbaclot said "It didn't have the opposable thumbs needed to light the flint. And we can rule out Brontosauruses as well. Their necks were way too long for smoke to reach their lungs. Penny may well be right". But Penny's theory has also shed new light on the origins of tar pits, as Professor Bumbaclot explained. "For years, paeleontologists believed that tar pits were formed by the coughed up residue from Dinosaur's lungs because they smoked too much. But according to young Penny, the tar pits are formed from underground bitumen deposits that have seeped to the surface, creating a natural area of ashphalt". A colleague of Bumbaclot's added, "We're clearly in the presence of another Einstein, and need to go back to the drawing board as far as dinorsaurs are concerned". Back in Seasalter, Penny Pappington was remaining modest about her achievements and shrugged aside talk of a pulitzer prize. Wiping her nose on her sleeve, Penny said "I'd be happy with a new ipod and some Haribos, to be honest".
"What I thought of The Wind Farm Easter Annual" With the cast of The Guns Of Navarone. This week - Gregory Peck.
Ask Sweary YOUR problems solved - by a Seagull Dear Sweary My steering wheel shakes when I'm driving. Why is this? D. DeGaulle, Paris Sweary Says It sounds like your wheels are out of alignment, mate, or it could be the tracking. Or maybe it's just fucking nervous about being driven around Paris. I've seen the way you bastards drive. Dear Sweary I fall asleep to Babestation most nights, and wake up to an advert for excercise machines. It's as if my TV knows that I'm a useless fat wanker. Is it possible that my TV is watching me? F. Slobbe, Gillingham Sweary Says It is possible, actually. I think this whole digital switchover thing is a conspiracy by the government to make us buy new freeview boxes that have cameras in that have been fitted with tiny cameras. Of course, I can't prove it but neither can I prove that man never landed on the moon, so what the fuck do I know? Dear Sweary In the Zombie apocalypse, will there be zombie Seagulls to fight off as well? H. Murphy, Whitstable Sweary Says There already are, Hannah. The Seasalter Gulls are the closest we'll ever get to living dead Seagulls. Largely on account of all the fucking inbreeding that goes on down there. Dear Sweary I'm confused. I've just seen Keane's new video and I had no idea that Johnny Vegas was their new singer. When did the other bloke leave? N. Gallegher, Manchester Sweary Says He hasn't. Keane's singer, Tim Rice-Oxley, has always been a bit lardy, and the success of this band has obviously meant he can afford a better brand of pies to scoff on. Still can't sing for fucking peanuts, though.
Garra Ruffa pedicure clinic sacks YTS trainee after another customer is eaten Horror as "Nibble fish" replaced with Pirhanas
A popular pedicure clinic in Whitstable was forced to sack an employee this week after one of its clients was eaten by Pirhanas. The Garra Ruffa clinic in Oxford Street was investigated by health and safety officers after a second customer was eaten alive by Piranhas after going for a fish pedicure. The un-named woman, who is believed to be from Thetford, disappeared in a matter of seconds after the razor toothed fish set to work on her feet, and it was over before staff could rescue her. This follows a similar incident a few weeks back when 17 YTS worker Kylie Sanchez left a Bengal tiger in the pedicure suite after being sent to the aquarium
to by some tiger fish. A customer was immediately consumed, but Sanchez was let off with a verbal warning after health and safety officials accepted Sanchez's explanantion that she'd had 'No proper training'. Garra Ruffa Manager Sue Haines told The Wind Farm, "We decided to give her another chance. It's easy to mistake a ferocious cat with a fish. However, when a second customer got devoured by Piranhas, we had to let her go". The popular pedicure clinic has been allowed to remain open, but Haines admitted that business had 'dropped off' since the incidents. "We need to bolster confidence in the public. And have started by re-training staff to tell the difference between a Nibbler Fish and a Piranha. And Tigers, too", she said.