Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum Issue 58
Cllr Marjory Barjory in property scandal Crabs accuse Councillor of 'corruption' over land sale.
Cllr Barjory - "Brown Envelope"
Canterbury Councillor Marjory Barjory was at the centre of a property scandal this week after land earmarked for a crab housing project disappeared. The land, a rare desert island formation on the corner of Beach Walk, had been colonised by local crabs who were granted planning permission by Barjory to build homes. But as work was about to get underway, the island disappeared and was replaced by a car. "Even our building materials disappeared", said Crab rocky, "Barjory has a lot of explaining to do". The crabs have now accused Cllr Barjory of taking 'backhanders' with whoever it is that owns the land. Speaking from Canterbury Council's offices, Barjory refuted the claims, saying "I have not taken a bung of any kind. My association with the land ended when
I granted planning permission for the crabby complex. If the crabs can't look after their land, it's their problem. I have never taken an illegal payment in my life". But the crabs, who are currently living under an upturned boat near the East Quay Bar insisted, "That pissed bloke from the Albert reckons he saw Barjory accept a thick brown envelope in The Pearsons last week. The very next day, the island disappeared and a fucking great vauxhall appeared in its place. Coincidence? I think not". When questioned about the alleged envelope, Barjory said "....Yes. I DID take an envelope in The Pearsons containing cash, but it was from a late night poker game I played with John Sharkey and some mates. I don't think this is illegal, and I have declared the money. I feel sorry for the crabs, but the island disappearing has nothing to do with me". The owner of Mr Chips on Tower Parade, said "It's disappointing. I was looking forward to the crab's custom".
Harbour Fisherman Statue to enter 'Britain's Got Talent' Popular statue to stand on stage and 'Do Fuck All'. The Fisherman statue in the harbour has passed an audition to appear on ITV's Britain's Got Talent. The statue, who is a popular photo attraction with visitors to Whitstable, has been sharpening his act over the last few months and announced this week that he is to appear on the popular programme next week. Speaking from outside the harbour fish market and wearing his trademark sowesta, he told The Wind Farm "I entered the competition after watching it on TV and it struck me that none of the entrants did little more than make an arse of themselves. I thought, "I could do that", and entered". Judge Simon Cowell was said to be 'Highly Impressed' at the statue's act, which largely involved standing there holding a fish in his hand and smiling. "It wasn't too much effort to hone the act, I do it all day in the harbour!", he joked. Fellow judge Alesha Dixon was said to be 'Amazed' by his act and David Walliams said, "It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen on this show".
The statue beat off competition which included a woman with a dancing pig, a fat singer from Wales whose mum had died the week before, a dance troupe from a run down area of South London and a 17 year old singer from Halifax who overcame cancer and bullying etc etc to make it through to the second round. "I was going to tell a few jokes", said the statue, "I've always fancied myself as a bit of a comic. But after watching the others, I decided to save my energy and do fuck all. And I won!". The statue's performance can be seen on BGT next week.
Sweary Seagull accused of protection racketeering and bribes. Shops 'intimidated' into selling The Wind Farm annual Sweary Seagull was accused this week of running a protection racket in Whitstable. Shop owners and pub landlords have stepped forward to make the claims, following 'visits' from the troubled Gull. Sweary Seagull "Coarse Language"
Nicki French, who owns Taking The Plunge gift shop in Whitstable high street claims that her windows were damaged by 'Blackcurrant coloured Seagull poo', after she refused to stock The Wind Farm Easter Annual. "Sweary wandered in with some books under his arm", the 33 year old Brunette told us, "And I said I didn't want to sell it here because of the coarse language throughout. I just didn't think it was good enough to sell". Sweary's mood is said to have changed here, as Nicki explained "He snarled at me and said "It ain't supposed to be good.....it's supposed to be brought"......I was quite scared at this point". Nicki went on to explain how Sweary offered to 'look after' her windows if she stocked the book, guaranteeing that they would never be shat on if she took the annual. "I stood my ground, but the following day, my windows were splattered with Seagull shit. It took ages to scrub off and Sweary sat on the roof of George's mini market, just laughing at me". Old Neptune landlord Darren Wilton also received similar treatment after refusing to stock the book. Wilton, 33, told The Wind Farm "I told the little bastard to piss off, coming in here with his threats. I said I wasn't scared of him and his mates and I wouldn't stock the annual. End of". The following day, Wilton's car was subjected to ÂŁ2,000 worth of paint damage, as well as being 'Beaked' from top to bottom. He claims his tyres were punctured also.
"He's a canny little bastard, that one", said Wilton, "I can't prove it's him because they all look the same but I've barred him from the pub anyway". Speaking from his home in the castle grounds, Sweary said "Dunno what you're talking about mate. Yes, I've asked a few shops if they want to stock the book but if they don't want to, that's their choice. I didn't make any threats but sometimes, unfortunate things.........just.....happen".
Guess what I heard??!! More gossip with That Pissed Bloke From The Albert '....ere, guess what washed up on the beach by the Pearsons wall last week. Not another Dolphin, no. Or a squid from the ink platform.....no. I'll tell ya. That musical box off of Camberwick Green! Yeah! Captain Snort "Couldn't Drive"
Little old lady walking her dog found it, she did. She recognised it, she did. From when she was younger, Watch With Mother. Remember? Andy Pandy? Bill and Ben. You know the sunflower was voiced by Joanna Lumley? She lives round here, Folkestone I think. No, she did the voice of the frog in Hector's House, that's it......anyway, this woman reckons that she opened it up and all the characters from Camberwick Green escaped. Like Pandora's box it was. They jumped out and ran off down the beach, took the woman's dog with 'em. She was terrified.....they're all there. Windy Miller, Doctor Mopp, Farmer Bell and even Mrs Honeyman. Tell you something else, an' all.....Captain Snort, right? You know how he got his name, don't ya? Coke addict, mate. Loves a bit of Charlie.....that's why he never drove the troop's truck. Coked out of his head, he was. Grew that big moustache to cover up the fact that his septum collapsed. Mickey Murphy the baker. Remember him? Pooftah, they reckon. Anyway, they reckon they're all living in a disused caravan near west beach. Still got the dog, like. Turned violent, they have, want the musical box back. You know what? Police can't do a thing. Not insured against BBC puppets, and Captain Snort's got all his troops with him. It could all kick off......Reckon they're calling Brian Cant in to negotiate the dog's release. If I hear anything more, I'll let you know. Antique shop in Harbour Street's got the musical box now. Wants thousands for it, he does. The BBC might buy it off him.That's what I heard......
Morrisons Folkestone - Christ has Risen - and so have our bread rolls! Shoppers at Morrisons in Folkestone were mystified last week by the appearance of an image of Christ the Redeemer on a discarded carrier bag found in the store car park. The image, which clearly shows Jesus with outstretched arms, is uncannily similar to the famous statue overlooking the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro, one of the new seven wonders of the world. Local resident, Flossie McDougall, saw it for herself. "I'd just done my shopping last Thursday" she explained "of course I usually do it on a Wednesday, but last week it was a bit chilly, and I thought- well, I can make do with that leftover pie from Tuesday today. So anyway, I had to go
shopping on the Thursday instead, and as I left Morrisons, there it was, just lying on the ground. I felt a shiver go down my spine, I can tell you." The carrier bag does indeed bear an incredible resemblance to the famous mountain top monument in Brazil. Builder Horatio Blumenthal also saw it. "I only popped in to pick up my usual brie and sundried tomato ciabatta for lunch" he told us. "It was bizarre and made me rethink the meaning of life to be honest. I mean, I'd only just downloaded the latest version of Angry Birds Rio to my iPhone the night before - then this happens. It's darned weird if you ask me - it can't just be coincidence, can it?" The carrier bag was carefully picked up by the kiosk manager, Orla Curly. "I've wrapped it in cling film and am keeping it the fridge until I decide what to do with it" Orla said. "I did think about taking it on that Four Rooms programme, but I don't think it would be right, what with it being a holy relic and all that." Horatio agrees with her. "Christ the Redeemer is one if the most recognised pieces of art deco in the world - and amazingly is only the fifth largest statue of Jesus, being 39.6 metres tall and weighing 635 tonnes - that's metric tonnes of course." Orla has no plans to leave her job just yet, but is hoping that global interest in the carrier bag will allow her to cut down her hours. "I'm already working on a website and of course pages on Facebook and Twitter" she said "and I've been trying to get in touch with This Morning but haven't heard back from them yet ". By Folkestone correspondent Allison Esson.