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Wake Up and Get Festive During

The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to the enrichment of Corpus Christi through Comedy. Send all comments and letters to: ventnation@yahoo.com The Vent Magazine 361549-6213 Publisher/Creative Director: William Henneberger Contributing Writers: William Henneberger Kat McCloud Stella Starr Javi Luna Nathan Clark Kyle Hoelscher Citizen Schwartz Kristen Bily Zombie Art by Russell Tippit Cover & Special Effects by Bralynn Bell The Vent Disclaimer:The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Any statements made expressed or implied in the Vent are solely those of columnist and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters, products, and photos published are trademark and copyright of their respective owners.

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the last week of April I had the chance to cover Austin’s Moontower Comedy and Oddity Festival. It was their 3rd year, my 1st, and I have to say that I regret not jumping onboard sooner. For someone who doesn’t get out much, it was definitely an entertainment overdose, but I have a feeling even a seasoned entertainment junkie like my brother Mike would have left with a more than adequate fix. This issue is full of postMoontower coverage for two reasons. First and foremost, I would like to ensure that I receive my press badge for next year. And B- it was the best week I have experienced in the past few years, and not just because I was in a hotel, four hours away from my wife and kids. It was a truly inspirational week filled with personal interactions with some of my comedy heroes as well as great meetings with some Austin up-and-comers I had only previously know virtually. This is the part where I would tag 47 people, if this weren’t print. The whole experience leaves me thinking about what we could do right here in our own city. Now, I realize as I begin this rant on the lack of Festivities in Corpus Christi that we are in the midst of our annual Buc Days Celebration, which from what I have seen consists of a rodeo, an overpriced carnival and some fundraising booths. Let me start by saying, I don’t have the much against Buc Days. Yes, my emails to Buc Days for sponsorship/ advertising opportunities in CC’s #1 Alternative Publication have gone unanswered for years, but hey, I get it. Your high-society celebration of raping and pillaging pirates has no place in such a tawdry rag like The Vent. I am thereby forced to start my own dang festival, and its gonna kick your festival’s butt. Sure I’m only in the idea stage, but everything has to start somewhere… Okay, how about… BULLETPROOF FEST – A citywide shooting experience! Instead of badges we all get vests, the bulletproof

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by Wil Henneberger

kind. For one week every year Corpus Christi becomes one of those shooter games my kid is always playing. I know, I know that’s too much like every other day. Look, no judging! There are no bad ideas when brainstorming right… I’ve got it! SOUTH BY SOUTH SOUTH – A music, film and interactive festival in the weeks following SXSW. We can probably get a good rate on talent if we just have then come straight down from Austin to CC. Downside: We are sure to be sued by SXSW. THE FEST AND THE FURIOUS – A very specific film festival weekend complete with a fundraising Paul Walker-thon. We shut down the freeway and allow sanctioned street racing. The fest ends when all the racers have crashed and died. Seriously, stop racing through traffic you dicks. FEST AMENDMENT – A Free Speech Celebration. I actually kind of like this one. Headlined by Louis C.K. or whoever replaces him in the next few years. Some great bands that like to speak their minds. We could even have a showcase where Joel Osteen does 15 minutes directly following a set by Chris Rock. Hey! It’s about free speech. Don’t be a prick! Well, maybe I need to spend a little more time thinking about this, but you have to admit that any one of those ideas would give Buc Days a run for their money. Oh sh*t, I need money to do any of this… never mind. V

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Letters to the Editor Dear Vent,

Writing is hard yo. Like a lot of people in this town I fugure that wahat you do as your job and sh*t is pretty easier compared to most other people who aren’t you. But in recent days I thought I would give writing a try and I quickly learned that it is not for me to be doing. It took me 3 weeks just to write this letter to tell you that I am bad at writing, I guess that’s what you professionals call ironing. For now I will stick to reading, and have other people do the writing for me? Rusty Hicks

Dear Wil or William or Will or Editor or William Hen-

neberger or Will Vent or whatever you are calling yourself nowadays, I am writing to you with great concern for your mental wellbeing. The obvious identity crisis you are suffering from is just the kind of thing that can lead to one of those murder-suicide stories you like to make light of. Imagine the poor writer who has to determine what to call you while writing that story. I’m just saying figure out what it is you wish to be called and if you have time after that maybe seek professional help. Jesus! Even your magazine has had 9 different names. Bob Rosscamp - Caller Times Obituary Writer

Hey Man, It’s me Javi Luna, I know you’re busy, but I could really use someone to talk at. I am considering going on Facebook on Cinco de Mayo and making anywhere between 20 and 140 really bad holiday based jokes and/or puns. Some of the ones I’m thinking of aren’t even funny. They just happen to rhyme, and some of them don’t even rhyme that great. My kid wouldn’t get credit in kindergarten for these rhymes man! I need to be stopped. I know you put this magazine out on the 1st of the month sharp and so I hope you can talk me down before the 5th. Good talk, as long as you don’t publish the Mayo issue super late, I think everything is gonna be okay. Don’t forget to tell people to follow me at Facebook.com/javiluna77 Happy Honey I Shrinko de Mayo Wil, With all this racism in the news it got me thinking about you and your family. How is your dad? Does he still say ‘colored people’ instead of African Americans… I bet he does. What a hoot. And your mom? I bet she still doesn’t think the Spanish term ‘Negritos’ isn’t actually offensive. Have a nice day, Your estranged black friend V 4

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Racist Grandma Faces Lifetime Ban From Kickball Stadium by Wil Henneberger

Eighty-two-year-old, Angela Hil-

ter, sponsor of the Poodles, a Miss Little Kickball team, comprised of her granddaughter and 10 other 5-7-year-olds, may be facing a 3-year ban from the MLK Stadium, which in her case might very well be, a lifetime ban. Grandma Hilter, as she is know by everyone in the league, never misses a game and always has baked-goods for everyone at the kickball fields. Many husky fans say it would be a great loss if she were banned. Last week a disturbing video caused some controversy amongst the peewee sports fans. What was believed to be a hate-speech was brought to the attention of area news outlets and has since gone viral. Hilter, was apparently trying to use the new iPhone she received for mothers day to call her granddaughter. Instead, she posted a video

on the popular website, Youtube. About a minute into the video she takes a call from what can only be described as a ‘land-line’ telephone and makes a seemingly racist remark. “Pick out some Jewsy ones,” Hilter remarks matter-of-factly, “bring ‘em over and I’ll throw ‘em in the oven first thing.” In a recent press conference however, the context of the video was actually explained by Angela Hilter herself. She was saying “juicy” in reference to berries for a batch of pies she was going to make for the girls and parents of the team. This put all those in attendance at ease, but moments later tensions once again arose. She concluded her statement by saying, “Sorry for all the confusion, besides, everyone knows you could never get a Jew anywhere near an oven anymore, if you re-

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ally want to torture them, take ‘em to one of our fundraisers. Now, I’ve brought enough pie for everyone, please don’t go home without trying a slice.” The crowd was left speechless, not knowing if they should boo for the antiSemitism, or cheer for the pies. The Miss Little Kickball board went into closed session directly following the remark and discussed the Hilter ban, while reluctantly eating pie. Two hours and six pies later the MLK Vice President gave a brief statement saying, “ We have decided in flavor of the pies…, I mean, in favor of Grandma Hilter and her pies.” He continued, “We understand the current climate regarding sports man-

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agement and racist remarks, but the case most recently in the media had nothing to do with pies and so we feel secure and upright in this decision.” And the crowd goes wild! V

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Area Comedy Club Doing Best They Can

A

local comedy club is expanding thanks to both a booming comedy scene and this past weekend’s $0 down Easy Credit Used Car SaleA-Thon at a car lot that asked not to be named for the purpose of this article. We caught up with comedian/writer/booker/promoter/line cook Bob “Big Money” Reno, owner of Giggles Comedy Club, during his break at Uncle Lou’s Burger Joint, to ask him about the recent expansion. “I’ve been in the comedy business for 13 years and I just felt it was time to take the club to the next level and turn it into an A class establishment.” Reno said, about the recently acquired

2007 Nissan Cube that will double as the club’s means of transporting talent and as a green/dressing room. “I think a lot of the big names we’ve got coming to the room are going to be impressed with the new accommodations.” ‘Big Money’ continued. The vehicle, which only has 86,000 miles, features A/C and heating, power windows and locks, and CD stereo with auxiliary input for the comedians listening pleasure. When asked if customers would see a rise in ticket prices due to the cost of the expansion Mr. Reno explained, “We don’t expect to have to raise prices anytime soon. The car/green room is actually pur-

by Javi Luna

chased under my sister’s name because of some bad checks I wrote in the 90’s due to my cocaine habit at the time. I’m going to make payments to her weekly and the bank will just take it out of her account.” Mr. Reno also asked that we remind our readers that the club is no longer located at FajitA-Mania Bar and Grill and is now at the Knights of Columbus #6604 every weekend when it is not booked for private events. When asked if he had anything else to add he said “tell e’rybody Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to f*** wit.” Still no word on when the club will acquire a new, fully functional microphone cable. V

National News Courtesy of: For stories like these visit www.citizenschwartz. com & follow Citizen Schwartz on Twitter and at www.facebook.com/citizenschwartz

Undersea Search For CNN’s Journalistic Integrity Nears “Disappointing” End (Sydney, Australia) — The joint Malaysian-Australian commission charged with searching the bottom of the Indian Ocean for remnants of CNN’s oncetouted journalistic integrity will soon end its hunt in “abject failure and utter frustration” according to unnamed sources within the agency. Over the past several months, CNN anchors and pundits have watched on with bated breath as the commission’s underwater sonar device “Bluefin-21” has scoured nearly 95% of the ocean floor. The search has had its ups-and-downs. “We’ve thought several times that we had leads on this — that someone might have spotted something that looked like real reporting” stated CNN’s Wolf Blitzer speaking from a 3D rendering of an undersea coral reef, “but each time, it’s turned out that agency spotters were simply looking at floating garbage that happened to closely resemble CNN coverage. It’s been very disappointing.” Indeed, despite high hopes, the network’s 24 hour coverage of the hunt has demonstrated not a single trace of anything resembling journalistic standards or the remnants thereof, according to officials with knowledge of the matter. Still, some agency insiders remain impressed with CNN’s tenacity. “CNN has really followed us down to rock bottom on this one,” stated Australian official Ryan Nguyen. “There’s no lower the network could go in reporting this story. It’s kind of impressive really.”

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Exclusive Look At New Waterpark

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but a lot

of people consider the Vent a staple of this community, which makes me… a stapler, I guess. Regardless of my exact title, my “job” comes with a fair amount of perks; free tickets; backstage passes; swag; entry into secret meetings with waterpark executives… Still, imagine my surprise, when I received a call from the President of Padre Island (who oddly enough lives in Flour Bluff), to come for an exclusive look at the architectural models for the future Corpus Christi Schlitterbahn location. Now, I am a professional journalist, so, when I walked into her mobile home, I wasn’t disturbed by the dozen and a half cats that greeted me, or the fact that such a prominent member of our community was wearing an aluminum

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foil hat and nothing else. I kept my focus on bringing you, the reader, this early look at the next big thing to hit CC… Introducing the Wave Rape! A force so strong no other word could be used to describe it! The 1st ever water slide to go from the bottom, up. You will be thrust with godlike power through tube after tube as you make your way to the top, just be happy you don’t end up pregnant! If at any point you aren’t enjoying your experience, we invite you to visit… The Drowning Pool! You begin in the whirlpool chamber, where you fight not to be sucked down into an unknown abyss; all the while hits from the band of the same name are played at tortures levels. What’s worse, drowning or Drowning Pool…You decide!

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by Wil Henneberger To ride the Pink Panter, you must be this tall… and out of breath. Before you can shimmy down her pink channel, you have to do 20 minutes on the exercise wheel. Once you’re panting for mercy, it’s time for the tunnel of love… but don’t worry about holding your breath, this is a dry ride, no water whatsoever. I think my wife might have designed this one. OUCH! If you’ve made it this far, then you deserve Death To America. This sh*t show was designed by waterboarding victims at Guantanamo. This ride is strictly for 8 years and up. By the end of the ride you’ll be praying to any and every god available. The extremist curves, and near-boiling temperatures will make you wish you packed a bomb in your underwear. V

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Austin’s Moontower Comedy Fest: Don’t miss it again.

by Wil Henneberger

Austin’s

Moontower Comedy and Oddity Fest, which from here on out will be referred to simply as Moontower, Ms. Moontower, if you’re nasty, was my first festival in five or six years. I have to say I haven’t lost my touch. Maybe it’s in my blood or perhaps I was channeling my younger, more exciting brother Mike. However I pulled off, waking up everyday at the crack of noon to get ready for two or three, sometimes four comedy shows per night, it was a success. It was a great time to meet in person the regional comics I follow

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on Facebook and it was also a perfect opportunity to be introduced to some hilarious new talent. Sean Patton and Jackie Kashian just to name a couple. If you know anything about comedy, then some of the names on my checklist might seem familiar already. I implore you to take a month, or at least an hour, and look up some of the names you don’t recognize. You will be pleasantly surprised. Moontower is doing comedy right, so make sure to put it on next year’s festival schedule, and enjoy the following coverage. With any luck, a few ounces of the inspiration I brought home will transfer onto these typo-laden pages. V

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Moontower Gives Great Headliners

by Wil Henneberger

Moontower isn’t just about the big

acts… it’s about seeing some of your all-time favorite comedians up close on intimate stages. So close you could easily abduct them and force them to do a feature spot for your cocker spaniel every night, while chained to your refrigerator… if that’s your thing. That said, lets talk about famous people. For the festival, I was furnished with a wonderful Green Press Pass. For any ladies asking, yes, it was a special allaccess pass that opened any and all doors. For the purpose of this article, uh, we will assume that my Press Pass was only as valuable as your basic Fan Pass, which didn’t guarantee entry to see

Headliners, but good news, I got into all three of the headliner shows I lined up for.

On Thursday, the second night of the

festival, I jumped into a line for Maria Bamford at the Paramount Theater, about 30 minutes before curtain. This one was close, as they sealed off the velvet ropes there were still two-dozen people ahead of me, when the usher asked if anyone was there alone and just needed a single ticket. I’ve been married 15 years; I was not ashamed to be alone and quickly claimed my loser’s pass. My reward was an aisle seat about 6 rows from the stage. I’ll take it! By the way, for those of you who were ahead of me in line… next time just say that you are there alone. The chance that you will have anything lasting with whoever you are with is probably only about 40%, and the chances of seeing an amazing show that night was probably at least 84%, and that’s a conservative estimate considering we are talking about Maria Bamford here. Erin Foley opened the show. If you’re not familiar, look her up. If I had to describe her with words, which I do, I’d say she reminds me of a younger, just as gay, more brunette Ellen DeGeneres. After a very clever and energetic set, Erin introduced Bamford and any idea of me being there to work went out the window. Within seconds I was hypnotized. On my way out of the theater I saw another younger pressman with several pages of notes. Uh-oh.

Friday

Headliners: Mike Birbiglia, Kids In The Hall, Marc Maron and Colin Quinn Kids In The Hall, is the only headliner doing two shows, so I will catch them first session on Saturday. Since I am in year 6 of The Birbiglia Feud*, no need to take in that show. You better believe it’s Colin at 7:30 and then Maron at Midnight.

Colin Quinn was bound to be spectacular. Had I done some research on this one-man-show, I would have been even further up in line, but luckily I made it in with room to spare, seeing as the show was up against “Birbiglia”. Personally, I prefer my style with a healthy dose of substance and Colin Quinn, of course, delivered. “Unconstitutional” is the absolutely brilliant comedic breakdown of the 4-page document that is our country’s foundation. “What, you didn’t know it was only four pages!

Neither did I until I started researching for this show.” Colin confessed. Right from the Preamble, he was pointing out the silliness we’ve missed, be it out of our sense of reverence or just ignorance. “‘…in order to form a more perfect union’ Because perfect is good enough for everyone else, but we want ours to be ‘More Perfect’” “We talk about the founding fathers being brilliant geniuses, sure maybe like eight of them where, the rest of them were just trying to keep their mouths shut and not say anything stupid for four months.” It doesn’t end there; he takes shots at homicidal dueling presidents and even has a few words about the current administration. There is an “Unconstitutional” Tour and you should most definitely catch it in your area, but more importantly we should be asking what it would take to get this show into every school in the country.

Could any notes I would have taken actually done justice to the quiet force that is Maria Bamford? How do you notate a facial expression or jot down a particular cadence? I’d like to read your piece Mr. Ruffled Legal Pad. Not to mention, I’m not entirely familiar with the etiquette for comedy show reviews. (note to self; read more) Do I spoil the jokes that I do actually remember? That doesn’t feel right. Who am I to burn Maria Bamford’s material, in this two-bit publication? It was an amazing show and there were some priceless moments that I will remember for many years to come. I only wish I felt comfortable sharing them with you. But I just don’t. So stop asking.

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I had the chance to meet Marc Maron Aaaaaand a couple of hours before his midnight performance, and he expressed his concern about an audience full of adults fighting normal sleep patterns to conquer their entertainment quota for that day. Especially, for what is, at its core, a marvelously crafted low-energy show. Austin local Ryan Cownie opened the show with an up-and-comer bang, followed by one minute too long of Andy Kindler (that’s an inside joke, not an insult). James Adomian and his many voices continued to get the crowd going, until it was time for us to get our live glimpse of the inside-out comic, psychologically speaking. Like most of the great comedian slash truth-tellers, Marc Maron doesn’t so much tell jokes, though he did intentionally tell one, just to prove that he could. Maron has found his way into our hearts via the ear canal and his well-known podcast WTF. I’ve listened to over 200 episodes and while I am currently taking a break due to WTF overload; it was a pleasure to catch up with Marc, even if there were 1299 other people in the room.

- Cue Kids In The Hall theme song**. That’s right, it was that quick. I was still standing when the music began. I knew it wasn’t a long track. Would they loop it? Was this part of a greater plan? Sense memories were doing something to me. The lights dimmed and as I sat, I realized what was happening. I had just been transported to another realm. I wasn’t watching a performance; I was inside the actual Kids In The Hall TV show. The curtain was drawn revealing five beautiful men in wedding dresses. Simultaneously they declared, “We are men in wedding dresses!” Then individually stated their cases. Bruce McCulloch’s voice most clearly comes to mind. “I wear my wedding dress to punish society… because the pumpkin suit I used to wear, didn’t punish society enough.” The whole wonderful statement was the manifestation of their stance on marriage equality. Brilliant. The next 90 minutes came complete with

all of the favorite characters that we could probably only name if our life depended on it. ‘The gay guy in the bar’, ‘That Evil guy with the gay assistant’, ‘The gay Chicken Lady”… Ok, so probably not all of those characters are gay, but you know which ones I’m talking about. ‘That annoying gay kid with the backpack’ even made an appearance with the first ‘spectrum’ reference of the evening. The second ‘spectrum’ reference came in a sketch where two contract lawyers, are negotiating on behalf of a mistress and her married lover. When Bruce declares, “F*ck you and your sh*tty spectrum kid!” If anyone can get away with making light of the autistic spectrum, it’s the Kids in the Hall. If that wasn’t irreverent enough for you, as an encore they brought back their ‘Running Faggot’ sketch. (Suuuuure, we remember the name of that one) The Kids in the Hall, reminded me what superb, relevant comedy is all about, and that if it is for the sake of laughter, then it’s still okay to use the word ‘faggot’, as long as you are the Kids In The Hall in Austin Texas on a Saturday night. V

*The Birbiglia Feud is my one-sided rivalry with Mike, since he refused to do a video promo for my old TV show after he opened for The Format at Antones circa 2008. Then at SXSW 2009 Birbiglia, used his celebrity status to cut right in front of me at the line to Emo’s. We haven’t spoken since. **"Having an Average Weekend" by the Canadian band Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet

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More Moontower : One question with... Mike Lawrence Questions By Wil Henneberger Marc Maron

You know podcasts are like half done, if you haven’t started now, that’s how you’ll grab some attention.

Brody Stevens

don’t think there is a best kind, now up my ass, that’s a different story.

Andy Kindler

Same questions Paul F. Tompkins was the best person I have ever done the show with and I felt like I got my ass kicked. Can I list people who I love to do it with… Ron Funches is my number one.

How do you feel tonight? I feel alright. You know I’m doing a really late show. It’s late for anywhere. A midnight show, at a big theater… there’s no way to know what’s gonna happen. Most of my fans are grown ups, so I know they’re probably struggling to stay awake right now. So it’s gonna be a challenge to entertain them. It’ll be like trying to get someone you want to have sex with, to have sex with you, after they’ve worked hard all day. That’s what I’m anticipating and that could go either way, and usually the sex isn’t that great, is it...

Other than the Fleshlights in the comedian’s gift bags, what has been the most therapeutic part of the Moontower Festival?

Cameron Esposito

Kurt Metzger

Just seeing all my friends. Hanging out in Austin. Parties… good crowds, good people. It’s different than Los Angeles, so it’s always good coming down here.

You did a ton of sets here at Moontower already… which was your favorite?

W. Kamua Bell

I always love working with Marc [Maron] cause he’s the king, and I love [James] Adomian. So tonight was great. I loved the Parish show, I like that room a lot. They’ve been all good shows so far, so I’m setting myself up for one bad one.

Kurt Braunohler Who is your favorite other person that uses their first name initial? A. Whitney Brown

Erik Charles Nielsen

I’m thinking of starting a podcast, given everything you know about me, what would you call it? What you know about me is my name is Wil and I’m from Corpus Christi, texas… What I think you should do is The Corpus Christian, but then it’s like just a really strong atheist podcast. It’s like based in your hometown, but then is like sort of taking down the Man from inside, the Man being Jesus. It’s pretty intense; you know it’ll get a lot of attention, and some protests, which you want.

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You talk about stomping rats in your set, what other animals are good to stomp? I guess bugs, but I even get oversensitive about stomping on bugs sometimes. I was crushing these gross things that were in my apartment that looked like silverfish. Then I found out its some kind of bug that hunts cockroaches. They’re just repulsively ugly, they’re called a house centipede… not even big but they’re the worst thing in the world to look at, you wanna kill them on site, even though it was a terrible disservice to myself. I don’t like stomping ‘em. I

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Who do you fear the most in a competition on Comedy Central’s @midnight? Any celebrity… If I’m up against comics its fun, because you know its comics, so its like, you don’t have to worry about them, but when you go up against a celebrity celebrity and they’re in a comics realm, you kind of want them to win because everybody’s excited about them.

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Is your persona on stage exaggerated, or is that the real you up there? I’d say it’s about 25% fictional, 25% real and 50% of how I was in high school. Growing up I was a very angry kid. V

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Cheech and Chong, Me and Mom, Some War Songs but No Bong

A few weeks before the Up in Smoke Tour vis-

ited Corpus Christi, I had the great fortune to speak with Tommy Chong on the phone about what to expect to see on stage at the show. He let us know that because Cheech and Chong were cultural icons, people expected to see their favorite sketches and the classic jokes that they have appreciated for decades. Keep in mind, Chong said this in the most humble way anyone has ever stated his icon status. We all know even the Virgin Mary gets a little pretentious now and again. I am usually not a fan of predictable comedy. One of the main rules of comedy is that a joke is never as funny as the first time you hear it. I’ve heard a lot of Cheech and Chong material over the years and I was pretty sure I was in for a night of polite chuckles and respectful clapping. Either way, I was taking my mom for her birthday and she’s not the comedy snob that I somehow became, so she was bound to have a great time. I am not ashamed to admit that I was completely wrong. The show started with Mrs. Shelby Chong doing a short comedy set and then emceeing about 20 minutes of Q&A from two of the most charming and well-timed comedians to ever step out in front

of a crowd. Sure, some of the questions were prepared and the jokes were peppered with hokeyness, but if you fancy yourself a student of comedy, as I do, it wasn’t hard to notice the quick-witted adlibs and off the cuff banter that makes this pair so great. A weed joke here, an anal sex bit there, and before long, it was time for WAR to hit the stage for the first round of hits. I was never really exposed to War’s discography, but there are very few people out there who haven’t heard one of their chart toppers, thanks to several movie and/or TV soundtracks. Low Rider and Why Can’t We Be Friends hit the airwaves back in 1975. My mom was in her teens… and that’s as far as I want to take that train of thought. None of us need to be thinking about what our mom’s were up to as teenagers while War was playing in the background. After about 25 minutes of singing along to

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By Wil Henneberger

songs I didn’t even realize I knew the lyrics to, it was time for the carne of the show. Cheech and Chong returned to the stage in full costume, which as you might know, usually means someone is wearing a dress. They proceeded to glamour the audience with back to back skits, to the tune of pro legalization, bellowed in the key of f*** the narcs. Every note had the crowd in stitches, me included. As the duo neared the end of their set, War joined in for some of the musical bits including everyone’s favorite Santa Claus Story. The band then took the show home with a couple more tracks while Cheech, Chong and Shelby and my mom sang and danced along. Seeing these pioneers in person proves that some comedy is never as funny as the first time you hear it… LIVE. V

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Inside the Center

American Bank Center: Reaching by Kristen Bily out to the Fans

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MG managed American Bank Center has always enjoyed hearing back from our visitors and social media has definitely become an outlet where we can reach patrons that much quicker and interact with them more. We started to get questions sent to us from our Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram so we thought we would answer a few and inform everyone as well! Question 1: Why is it when I google your site, it takes me to the “Bank Center” or “Center for Tickets” site? Did you change your name and not tell anyone?! ABC: That’s a great question! Actually, we never changed our name; we are the American Bank Center. When you google us, you run the risk of being taken to a secondary site and most of the time these sites are where people get taken advantage from ticket scalp-

ers. The best way to avoid that is to type our website www.americanbankcenter.com in the URL to avoid any confusion. If we change our name, we promise to tell you! Question 2: My friend got great seats for Backstreet Boys! She said she gets the newsletter that told her about the pre-sale! What is that?! ABC: She receives the Fans First E-Newsletter! It’s a great way to receive weekly updates on our upcoming shows and news about pre-sale and VIP offers! This newsletter has direct links to all of our upcoming shows and ticket links as well! You can sign up by simply going to our website and clicking on the “Fans First E-Newsletter” link. Question 3: I saw that you guys had suites! Is that only for people who buy them or can you rent them? ABC: Actually yes, you can rent a suite, based on availability of course with each event. The suites can hold 16-23 guests and insuite catering is also available. For more information on the suites, call Eric Jaramillo at 361-826-4754. Question 4: I am really interested to work there but how do I find out what positions your have? ABC: If you go to our website, www.americanbankcenter.com/services/opportunities , there is where you will find our job postings and you can find everything from the American Bank Center and also from SAVOR which is the food and beverage division of SMG. Question 5: Omg! Avril Lavigne is coming with Backstreet Boys! Is there any way I can meet her? ABC: Actually there is! If you go to our website, and

click on the event and then on “buy tickets” link, there is an option that you can purchase a meet and greet package! Just go to www.americanbankcenter.com . Question 6: I see Chicago is coming! I’m a huge fan! But what is this new theatre I read about? Did you guys get a new building? ABC: We are excited for Chicago too! It is actually not a new building; the show will be held in the American Bank Center Arena but SMG managed American Bank Center will reveal our new theatre configuration while honoring a colleague who recently lost his battle to cancer. Russell Lee Myers, Director of Operations, recently passed away March 1, 2014. In honor of his tremendous dedication to SMG and the City of Corpus Christi, Chicago will open up this new venue as the American Bank Center R.L.M. Theatre. In addition, part of the proceeds from this performance will be donated to the American Cancer Society. This theatre will be a new configuration that SMG has created to enhance the fan’s experience. This will guarantee patrons a new intimate experience in enjoying LIVE entertainment in Corpus Christi, TX. A map of this new configuration can be seen when clicking the price map on the Chicago event page at americanbankcenter.com. Question 7: Love the Instagram pics! Who runs it? ABC: We all do! We started the Instagram last year as a way to give our patrons another look into the venue and see what goes on before, during, and after the shows! We love interacting with everyone, so if you haven’t seen us yet, follow us on Instagram @ americanbankcenter. Questions 8: When Theresa Caputo came, did she see if the American Bank Center Selena Auditorium was haunted? ABC: She did not check for that, but if she did, we would have been very grateful! Thanks everyone for the great questions! If you have more, feel free to send them to us, we will be glad to answer more questions. V

SMG managed American Bank Center is Corpus Christi’s premier event center providing unprecedented guest experiences.Follow us online at www.americanbankcenter.com, facebook.com/AmericanBankCenter, Twitter.com/@AmericanBankCtr, and Instagram/@AmericanBankCenter.

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Sex and the Small Town

The Coastal Bend Courtesan: By Stella Starr Not an Urban Myth

A

great woman once said, “There is no difference between what a wife does and what a prostitute does. Prostitutes just do it at a faster pace.” Actually, she wasn’t a great woman; she was a stripper interviewed on a cable t.v. documentary, and she was talking about how she and a few of her co-workers did more than just strip in the back room of their club. The point she was trying to make was this: men pay for sex, whether they pay their wife’s credit card bills or pay a hooker for the act. And I’m inclined to agree with her on that. Marriage, to me, is just a legal form of prostitution in many cases, and there’s nothing wrong with that if both parties are comfortable with that reality. Now, I know that these days women hardly rely on men to take care of them financially. Marriage is more of a lifestyle choice at this point; people don’t need to pair up to survive like they did back in the day. That’s why divorce is so common; if something is making you unhappy, most of the time there is a way to get out and not end up living in a van down by the river. So, if women are supporting themselves pretty much across the board at this point in time, what are we to make of a disturbing resurgence in the phenomenon known as the “kept woman”? It seems everyone I talk to these days knows one, has one, or is one, and when I first heard about this arrangement happening right here in Corpus Christi I was stunned. Yes, Vent readers, there such a thing as the Coastal Bend Courtesan, and she lives right next door. I first heard about this from my best friend Maggy. We were having lunch and a young woman came up and said

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hello to her. After chatting for a couple of minutes the woman left and Maggy gave me her back story: “Liz” was a single mom of two and worked part time at a discount store. As Liz was impeccably dressed in a DVF wrap dress and Louboutin heels I assumed she’d had a lucrative divorce from some doctor or lawyer. “Oh, no,” scoffed Maggy. “She didn’t marry the fathers of her kids, and they don’t give her a penny in child support. She had a sugar daddy, and he pays all her bills.” Um, what?? Yes, Maggy insisted. This slightly overweight, average-looking woman had an older man who was “keeping” her. In fact, Liz makes so much money she regularly rents a suite of rooms at the Hyatt Hill Country for her daughters’ birthdays. “Is he married?” The only way I could imagine a wealthy man setting something up like this was if he were unhappy at home. “No, he’s not married.” “So, why not marry Liz?” Apparently, it’s more exciting to pay for it, according to Maggy. And that makes sense in the same way a man with a gorgeous girlfriend is still capable of cheating with an ugly girl. The thrilling, the taboo, the downright disgusting: all of these desires are what make men tick. These women apparently have figured this out, and are capitalizing on the situation in a big way. Some of these chicks have two or more financiers; those are the ones who live in beautiful condos and drive BMWs and Range Rovers. I wonder how they have the energy to satisfy all those men.

work. V

Oh, right:

the bitches don’t

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So... What’s Your Sign Happy Birthday, Taurus! Your birthday month usually brings happiness and good fortune for the friends- and family-oriented Bull. No doubt you have received (or will soon) many gifts and tokens from loved ones for your special day in past years, and this year will be no different. However, something deeply personal has been weighing on your mind. Perhaps a shift in your home and family life has you reeling, or an upheaval at work has you and coworkers scrambling to make deadlines and quotas. This may even be just a private change in your innermost beliefs and you feel quite disoriented. Take this month to pause and turn to the self. If you don’t already meditate on a regular basis, do so, or ramp up your inward retreats to daily. There is an answer to your question, Taurus. You may already know what it is, in fact. And if you wait until the very last days of the month to make a change, it will be a wonderful thing for you and those around you.

MAY 2014

by Cleo Soliz and Francine Preston

a recent lucrative investment or career move you will have the means to move around. The sun, your ruler, also continues to shine in your career sector, so rest assured that even if a little dust collects on your desk, things happening behind the scenes will continue to bring your good fortune. Virgo

that, and for those coupled or single she will add a new dimension to intimacy. Additionally, clarifying Mercury lends a hand in the verbal and spiritual communication that is so important. As for career and financial news, new projects and responsibilities pour in, and as always, you are up to the task. Things are looking very bright, indeed.

Mighty, benevolent Jupiter is swinging through your house of love and partnerships. This means that shaky, fickly friendships of the past will make way for some true love and true friendships. Just don’t expect them to be with those you’ve had your eye on. Some folks will move from the background to your side, and they will prove themselves worthy of your sweet Virgin soul. The question is, are you up for the challenge and ready to give yourself to these commitments? It may leave you feeling vulnerable, but with the stars in your corner what have you got to lose?

Capricorn

Gemini

Libra

Aquarius

After a good chunk of the past year spent on family and personal issues, this month promises to be a lighter one. You will feel more grounded spiritually, and will use that grounding to act on some practical matters that need tending to. Your relationships with your siblings and close friends will shift back to the forefront, and a friend may even introduce you to a potential love partner. With heavy Mars moving retrograde in your house of desires and physical love, it may be hard to keep your head. But remember, as long as you take precautions, you can have fun all you want. It’s a very welcome summer after such a harsh winter. Have fun!!

Venus is in your house of partnerships and couples from the 3rd to the 29th, and you may want to take a current love relationship (or work partnership) to a new level. While there is strong indications that the time is right for this, take care and think all actions through. Venus can also contribute quite a heady, dreamy aspect to considerations; you wouldn’t want to act too rashly. Weigh all benefits and consequences before taking the plunge.

Mercury’s transit through your house of love and sex (beginning on the 7th) has you taking special interest in erotic studies. You may become interested in the delights of Tantric sex, initiate a more open discussion of fantasy with your mate, or seek out a new lover whose free spirit is exactly what you’ve been desiring. This isn’t all fun and games, however: the sun also moving through your house of love and partnerships could usher in the arrival of a new, deep union with a mate.

Cancer Some tense moments will pop up this month, either at work with a partner who is not very cooperative, or at home with a stubborn mate or child. No worry; as long as you don’t let your claws come out too harshly things should work themselves out. Also, be sure to keep your workout/ meditation/yoga schedule; all work and no downtime makes for quite a crabby Crab.

Scorpio Just like your Libra sister (or brother), you, Scorpio, are feeling the need to bond, with friends, lovers, business partners, etc. But your influence is coming from el rey himself, the mighty sun. He’s moving through your house of partnerships, so your feelings are more intense than those produced by any other heavenly body. You will find yourself tending to all your partner’s (or potential partner’s) needs and desires in an effort to grow closer, and if you’re single, you will focus on someone who has previously piqued your curiosity with newfound boldness. (Another benefit of the sun: you will be irresistible to the opposite sex and potential employers.)

Leo Ah, the lovable Leo is back and better than ever! This month sees you reaching out and touching potential and long-lost loves, both friends and lovers. The very welcome sunny weather will fuel your ever-present wanderlust, and thanks to

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Sagittarius Yikes! Venus is moving through your love house, too, Sag! As if you need it; your sign has never been accused of being a prude, that’s for sure. But the love planet’s influence runs deeper than

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A recent event or revelation may have you feeling quite vulnerable and needy this month. It’s quite a different state of being for the normally stalwart Cap, and you may be feeling discombobulated. Thankfully, a whirlwind work schedule and family responsibilities help to distract you. Still, the sun and Mercury moving through your houses of personal growth and family ensure that a good talk with significant parties will get you back on firm footing by mid month.

Pisces Upheavals and upsets of recent months will cease (temporarily) in May. Work will settle down (and could become tedious, but press on), personal relationships will run smoothly, and your inner hamster wheel will slow down considerably. Mars turning direct in your house of career and finance means recent troubles with paperwork, taxes, or partnerships could suddenly be resolved in a beneficial way. Aries Venus enters your sign this month, and she will make your heart all a flutter. You will find alluring people catching your eye everywhere you go, and that’s pretty rare for the discerning Ram. The love planet’s influence will also make you super yummy and desirable to pretty much everyone you meet. Take advantage of it, Aries. Summer is a time for being carefree, and you deserve it. V

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Vent may 14 issue