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The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to the enrichment of Corpus Christi through Comedy. Send all comments and letters to: ventnation@yahoo.com The Vent Magazine 361-549-6213

Wake Up & Take It Like A Kid

by William Henneberger

By now we are all familiar with Youtube sensation Judge William Adams. He won over our hearts with his viral “Beat Your Daughter Style” video. Its one of those videos that is so annoying, but you just can’t get it out of your head. I find myself quoting it from time to time when I’m beating on handicapped kids. My favorite part is when the back-up singer (A.K.A. Mom), is like “Take it like a grown woman”. And who can forget the Judge’s hook, “Lay down, or I’ll spank you in the f***ing face”. Why, oh why, didn’t he use his gavel instead of a belt… That for sure would have pushed it past the 100 million mark. I have to digress here…

My original purpose with

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this piece was to make a mockery of this terrible event, in the hopes that it would drive a few of you to realize the dreadfulness of the whole situation. That’s called satire by the way. As my deadline comes and goes, and I hear myself getting after my daughter for not allowing me to focus, I can’t help but think about what kind of awful, less than human person it takes to give their child that kind of beating, not to mention the verbal abuse. Let us all be clear here, the issue was not whether or not it was child abuse. It was. It just so happened there is a statute of limitations on child abuse. Therefore, the dishonorable Judge Adams could only be disciplined by

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Publisher/Creative Director: William Henneberger Contributing Writers: Kat McCloud Jay WhiteCotton Kyle Hoelscher Julia Arredondo Zombie Art by Russell Tippit

a judicial committee, which seemed more concerned with his treatment of attorneys in his court, than his brutal child beating. I could go on forever about what a dickhead this guy is, but I’ll wait until reelection time.

As for the question that is on all of your minds… The answer is Yes… someone has made a remix of the beating video. V

The Vent Disclaimer: The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Any statements made expressed or implied in the Vent are solely those of columnist and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters, products, and photos published are trademark and copyright of their respective owners.

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Letters to the Santa Dear Santa, My name is Sara and I am 6 years old. I have lots of toys so this year I’m not asking for anything for me. I just want one present for my mommy. I don’t know what it is but she really wants it. I think its called a DERVORSE. She is always yelling at daddy about how she wants one and she wants it now. And it makes her really mad that she doesn’t have one yet. I think I will be so happy for my mommy to finally get a dervorse then maybe everything will be okay for all of us. Thanks Santa Sara Attn. North Pole To whom it may concern, I am writing to inform you that I am sickened by the corporate culture that you and your “Christmas” Holiday have forced upon children. Are you aware that while you are delivering gifts, right under Rudolf’s red nose, children in Africa are being forced to slaughter their own families on behalf of ruthless militant leaders… Is there an action figure set for that, Santa? Or how about the South American children who don’t have clean water to drink. This year Santa, I want you to deal with these issues immediately! That is all I want this year. Buuuuuuut, if you can’t do this, then I will take a 14 foot trampoline instead. Jennifer, 6 years old

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Dear Jesus, First let me say happy birthday. Secondly, if you see Santa can you tell him I would like a Justin Bieber Doll, the one that sings the same two lines over and over. He is my absolute idol! I worship him soooo much. I can’t think of anyone who has given me so much happiness, or given so much to the world. I mean really he is like the greatest person to ever walk this earth. Also, tell him to bring me a Justin Bieber full size cardboard cut-out… he is so awesome. Before I heard him sing, I felt like life wasn’t even worth living, but I heard his words and I was saved. It’s like he is my personal savior. Anyway, Justin’s birthday is March 1st, incase you want to get him something. Merry Bieber-Mas, Susan, 37 years old

Dear Santa, I’m so confused about what I would like under my tree this December. I guess if you put a gun to my head I would have to ask for a nice new vest, maybe something with some weight to it, lined with C4. NO WAIT! Forget that, can you just bring me a new shirt, one of those American flag shirts. Yeah, that would be great. Then again, my prayer mat is getting pretty worn out, we Muslims have to pray a lot you know. Do you make prayer mats Santa? You know what, can you just send me an iPad mini. Nicholas Brody

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Scabby on Winter

It’s another sunny December in Corpus Christi, and the girls and I are out in full swing. It’s easy to take for granted the almost year-round prostitution weather we get here in South Texas. In some part of the country, we ladies of the night have to suffer through long freezing winters. Believe me, you do not want fellatio from a girl whose teeth are chattering from the cold. Still, we do get the occasional drop in temperature, and it’s important to keep warm when you’re on the street between Johns. Unfortunately in our profession we cant afford to cover up the merchandise simply to stay warm or alive, so any kind of coat or even sweater has to be off limits. If you are feeling chilly or dying, you can coat your body in KY Jelly. This can be costly, so feel free to use one of your normal lube substitutions like fresh blood or motor oil. Here is a trick I picked up (not that kind of trick) a few years back. Keeping blood flowing is essential so you have to keep moving. A 9-volt battery in your cooter will keep you going like the energizer bunny. Just remember to remove it before sex or your client might not be too happy. Warning; if you do this too often, you will become immune to its effects. After a couple of decades you might require 8 D batteries like I do. Lastly, some people will turn to alcohol or even drugs to give them that warm feeling, but remember girls, you’re on duty and you’ve got to stay sharp or you might end up giving back the wrong change or swallowing something you weren’t paid to swallow. Stick to coffee, when injected directly into the blood stream its all you need to keep your temperature above corpse level. V

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Area Group Works to Ban Plastic Bags and Minorities by William Henneberger Citizens throughout Corpus Christi have gathered recently in a remarkable effort to keep area beaches clean. The charge was originally started by local environmentalists, but has recently been overtaken by retired conservative radio personality and Tea Party advocate, Eric von Wade.

bags and brown people. The statute has been supported by everyone from the local chapter of the KKK, to Corpus Christi’s vast population of generally racist old people.

He continued, “A beach ban is just the first step toward a city-wide ban of these ugly, stupid pieces of worthless trash as well as the plastic bags.”

While several leaders have In a statement read minority the statute, before the council von protested Wade said, “We believe the others in the community beach should be a safe and have been lackluster in clean environment where their opposition to the plan, The group has since people aren’t forced to see stating that, “While [they] introduced the Beach Purity disgusting Wal-Mart bags or are vehemently against any Act before city council, HEB bags, or black people, kind of discrimination… they which stresses the benefits or Family Dollar bags, or wouldn’t mind seeing the of a coastline free off plastic Family Dollar customers.” beaches a little cleaner.” V In July of this year my husband and I were living in San Antonio and were making plans for our future. My husband, being a recent grad student, took a job in Houston while I put in my notice at the youth shelter that employed me. We were eager for this new chapter of our lives to begin. But life has a way of re-writing our story. On August of 2012 my kidney transplant of 15 years failed. We had no other option but to leave our careers and move to Robstown for family support. I have been receiving dialysis treatment three days a week since my one kidney stopped working. The good news is that my husband is a perfect match as a kidney donor. Soon we will be going into surgery with a recovery time of 2 months. This life transition has been a challenge both physically and economically. It may not have been the story we expected, but it is one of hope and one I want to tell. To assist Shelly and James with financial support please call 210-213-9496.

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DeeJay Bobby StumpFlanagan’s Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Every Time I Die, LetLive, Kills and Thrills $17 5PM -House of Rock Late show with Bertha -House of Rock A Christmas Carol 2 pm -Harbor Playhouse Corpus Christi Ballet Presents The Nutcracker -Amer. Bank Cntr. DeeJay Bobby StumpFlanagan’s Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Jason Boland, Cody Canada, & Chris Knight -Brewster St. A Christmas Carol 2pm -Harbor Playhouse Bless the Fall, A Skylit Drive, At the Skylines, Skip the Foreplay 6:30 PM $17 -House of Rock Corpus Christi Ballet Presents The Nutcracker -Amer. Bank Cntr. DeeJay Bobby StumpFlanagan’s Dj Jerry-Macaw’s

DeeJay Bobby StumpFlanagan’s Dj Jerry-Macaw’s

DeeJay Bobby StumpFlanagan’s Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Fortunate Youth, Tatanka, High-Bred Roots 7:30 PM $10 -House of Rock

Dj Chris, MC Silk-Macaw’s Monday Night Football & Free chili 7:30 PM -House of Rock

Dj Chris, MC Silk-Macaw’s TEDex event 6 – 9PM -House of Rock

Brandon Jenkins & Jarrod Birmingham -Brewster St. CCISD Holiday Choir Concert: Joys Of The Season 7:50 Pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Open Mic Night hosted by Rev Matt Martinez 8PM Free -House of Rock

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Open Mic Night hosted by Rev Matt Martinez 8PM Free -House of Rock

Beer Wednesday w/ Art Barrera -House of Rock Dj Jerry,MC Silk-Macaw’s Ste’von, DJ Dus, Bobby Stump- Flanagan’s

All Hail the Yeti, Laid in Stone, Switchblade Jesus -Zeros Beer Wednesday with live music -House of Rock Dj Jerry,MC Silk-Macaw’s Ste’von, DJ Dus, Bobby Stump- Flanagan’s

Dj Chris, MC Silk-Macaw’s Monday Night Football and Free chili -House of Rock

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Open Mic Night Hosted by Rev Matt Martinez 8PM FREE -House of Rock Tamucc Islanders Women’s Basketball Vs. Cornell -Amer. Bank Cntr.

Beer Wednesday with live music -House of Rock Dj Jerry,MC Silk-Macaw’s Ste’von, DJ Dus, Bobby Stump- Flanagan’s

8th Annual Tamale Dinner FREE 9PM -House of Rock Dj Chris, MC Silk-Macaw’s

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Dj Jerry,MC Silk-Macaw’s

HOBO & hot dogs Subcultured 9PM FREE -House of Rock Ste’von, DJ Dus, Bobby Stump- Flanagan’s

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s

Dj Jerry,MC Silk-Macaw’s

Dj Chris, MC Silk-Macaw’s The Spazmatics -Brewster St.


Brown Bag Challenge -House of Rock Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Geeks Who Drink trivia -Exec. Surf Club Rich O’Toole & Brian Burke Band -Brewster St.

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Geeks Who Drink trivia -Exec. Surf Club Los Lonely Boys w/ Alejandro Escovedo -Brewster St.

Another Level -Exec. Surf Club 3rd Ann. Rolling Art Bike Show 6 PM -House of Rock A Christmas Carol 730pm -Harbor Playhouse Corpus Christi Icerays Vs Texas Tornado 7:05 Pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s DJ ET - Flanagan’s Juan Villareal 1030pm $15 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station The Spazmatics -Brewster St.

A Christmas Carol 730pm -Harbor Playhouse Bushbullit –Gators Corpus Christi Ballet The Nutcracker -Amer. Bank Cntr. Corpus Christi Icerays Vs Texas Tornado 7:05 Pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s Juan Villareal 8&10pm $15 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station La Conquista, The Scars Heal in time, Vanilla Sugar, Spanish Reds -Zeros MilkDrive, Pake Rossi 9PM -House of Rock Sing-Along Piano Show -Brewster St.

A Christmas Carol 730pm -Harbor Playhouse Another Level -Brewster St. Bar Nutz -Exec. Surf Club Bushbullit – Politics Buster Jiggs w/ Neal Edwards 9PM $6 -House of Rock Dj Dragon-Macaw’s DJ ET - Flanagan’s Flo Hernandez 1030pm $10 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station Refueled, Piece of Mind (Iron Maiden tribute) -Zeros

A Christmas Carol 730pm -Harbor Playhouse Brian Keane -Exec. Surf Club Bushbullit –The Garage Corpus Christi Ballet Presents The Nutcracker -Amer. Bank Cntr. Flo Hernandez 8&10pm $10 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station Metal Shop -Brewster St. NetherMedia -House of Rock Dj Dragon-Macaw’s

Dj Dragon-Macaw’s DJ ET - Flanagan’s

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Geeks Who Drink trivia -Exec. Surf Club Robert Earl Keen w/ Terri Hendrix & Lloyd Maines -Brewster St.

Felipe Esparza 8 &10pm $17 -Comics Live @

Railroad Seafood Station Flashback -Exec. Surf Club J.R. Castillo -Brewster St. Tamucc Islanders Men’s Basketball Vs. Utsa -Amer. Bank Cntr. Vallejo 8PM $10 -House of Rock

Disney’s Beauty And The Beast 8pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s Felipe Esparza 7,9 &11pm $17 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station Max Stalling -Exec. Surf Club Truman Syndrome, Killamora -Zeros

Angel Salazar 10:30pm $12 -Comics

Dj Jerry-Macaw’s Geeks Who Drink trivia -Exec. Surf Club Kyle Park w/ Jason Eady -Brewster St.

Common Enemy, Sober Daze, Avenue Rockers, Greedy Mouth -Zeros Dj Jerry-Macaw’s

Live @ Railroad Seafood Station Disney Live! Mickey’s Music Festival 1pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s DJ ET - Flanagan’s Greedy Mouth, Deraignment, Time termination, Carrion Decay, Ecocide -Zeros Local Licks, Fly Emerites, Peace N Quiet, ECHO, Glass the Sky, Resz, Microphonic 9PM -House of Rock Scarecrow People -Exec. Surf Club

Bushbullit – Politics Corpus Christi Icerays Vs Odessa Jackalopes 7:05pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s

Adolescents, Youth Brigade, American Heist, One Dollar Bob 7PM $17 -House of Rock Aloha Dave and the Tourist -Exec. Surf Club Angel Salazar 8 &10pm $12 -Comics Live @ Railroad Seafood Station Dj Dragon-Macaw’s

Bloody pit of horror, Defiled Creation, Disgusted, Circle of Vultures, Deraignment, Mutilation, Voltan, Xapheron -Zeros Corpus Christi Icerays Vs Odessa Jackalopes 7:05pm -Amer. Bank Cntr. Dj Dragon-Macaw’s


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Disembowelment Fest Recap – Wish You by Julia Arredondo Were There… In the case that anyone was too tired or too broke to head bang for three drunken days at the first annual Disembowelment Fest, I caught up with festival organizer Robert Hernandez who agreed to recap festival events that occurred between November 16th and 18th of 2012. Concentrating predominantly on out of town death metal, Disembowelment Fest gathered over 40 metal bands to share the stage at Corpus Christi’s latest hot

spot venue, Diana’s Place. Originally from Key West, Hernandez spent the majority of his life and heavy metal career in Corpus Christi but now travels frequently along with his black metal band, Xapharon. Planning to execute the next Disembowelment Fest in six months, Hernandez offers Corpus Christi an alternative to the growing garage rock phenomena and another chance at heavy metal redemption for those, like myself, who wussed out on the first installment of

Disembowelment Fest.

Julia Arredondo: How and why did Disembowelment Fest happen? Robert Hernandez: I really just wanted to throw a show with a band from Austin and ended up hearing from about 20 bands who wanted to play. So I said fuck it and just threw a festival. It wasn’t that difficult because we tour a lot so we just asked a bunch of bands we know from the road to come down and play. JA: This guy on the bus said someone fell asleep on stage while a band was playing. What crazy stuff happened? RH: I was all over the place during the festival and didn’t really get to see much of anything. Honestly, Disembowelment Fest actually happening was pretty crazy and then we made the fuckin’ news. There were over 40 bands, none of us got paid, and no one bitched about it. We all return the favors for each other’s bands, and everything worked out pretty well. JA: Why did you start booking at Diana’s Place? RH: Diana Sauceda meets me 100 percent at every

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show and we never have an issue on anything. I paid almost about two grand on Disembowelment Fest and Diana helped out with everything. If it wasn’t for her this wouldn’t have happened and we would have been financially fucked without her. JA: How was turnout? RH: It was better than I expected. We had around 500 people over the course of three days and that’s not bad considering it cost $10 per person. My main objective for doing this is to bring bands that no one in town ever gets to see. We meet a ton of bands on the road and I brought down the heaviest ones I know of. Six months from now, Disembowelment Fest will

still strictly be death and black metal, maybe we’ll have more grind or something like that. JA: How is Mortuary Records affiliated with Disembowelment Fest? RH: Mortuary Records presented the festival and I’ve been running the label for about five years now. I not only book metal shows with Mortuary Records, I book rap shows too. JA: Any shout-outs? RH: Funeral Rights kicked ass. Goatwhore kicked ass. All the bands were incredible. I want to thank the people who helped out during Disembowelment Fest including George Elizondo with Grotesque Promotions and Sid Jimbe Art in Indonesia for the artwork. JA: So after all is said and done, how do you feel about Corpus Christi’s music scene? RH: The music is getting heavier and more technical and sometimes there are good shows and sometimes there are bad shows. The music scene here is not what it was ten years ago but there are a lot of good bands including Greedy Mouth and Mutation. Bands need to get their names out there and by getting the scene to work together, we can help each other out. V Find more information by visiting the Disembowelment Fest Facebook page.

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Me The People... “Beating A Dead Horse’s Ass”

As I have stated in previous columns, I am a criminal defense attorney. Let me give you a scenario that walks into my office on a not too regular basis. My client comes in and tells me that he is charged with assault. Not just assault, assault of a 16-year-old girl in her own bedroom. He tells me he yelled at her and beat her with a belt until she was a crying mess on her bed. Worse, he tells me that the girl that he assaulted suffers from cerebral palsy. And just as a kicker, he got his wife in on this, who he also verbally and physically abuses. Also, there is a video of the entire incident. I would tell this hypothetical client that he is probably screwed and will likely be seeing the inside of a jail cell for several years. That is, unless

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his name was Judge William Adams. If you are Judge William Adams and you do all the things I’ve described above, you get your seat back in Aransas County Court at Law and are given an official public warning after being off the bench for an entire year. Now, I will clear up any misconceptions about what I just wrote. In no way did Judge Adams use his official powers to keep this case hidden or get it thrown out of court of anything unethical along those lines. He was not criminally charged because the statute of limitations had run and he could not be charged. What he did face is the Texas State Commission on Judicial Conduct. Finally, Justice, you may be thinking. After his daughter released the video of

by Kyle Hoelscher

him and his wife beating her with a belt, he was suspended and the Commission did a full review. What did this Commission come back with? They issued a public warning on his conduct. You might be appalled by this, as you should. Something that might put an average person in prison only leads to a public warning if you are a Judge. A public warning is not even a formal reprimand (which itself is a slap on the wrist), and it is still two steps below a recommendation to remove him from the bench.

accountable for their actions, while regular citizens are forcibly jailed for the same conduct. What should concern you further, is that Judge Adams’s caseload included family law. You read that correctly, he presides over cases that involve child abuse. He decides when corporal punishment at home is too severe. He decides if people keep custody of children in abusive households. How reliable are his judgments when he abuses his own daughter and wife? Not very reliable says Howard Baldwin, Texas Commissioner I have a link at the bottom of the Department of Family and of this article if you would like to Protective Services. Mr. Baldwin read the public warning. directed Aransas County Attorney Richard Bianchi to prevent Adams It should deeply concern you from hearing Child Protective that public figures are not held Services cases. All CPS cases in

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Aransas County will now be filed in a district court. However, that is nothing more than a BandAid on a lash contusion. The fact is that he will remain on the bench until he is up for election in 2014. The only disgust that can remove him from the bench is the public’s. The public must remain cognizant of Judge Adams’s conduct. My fear is that the people’s outrage will only last as long as the news cycle. I’m concerned that when 2014 rolls around, the headlines will have died down and since it’s a midterm election, few people will show up to the polls and Judge Adams will be voted back in office. I don’t live in Aransas County I have never even practiced in that county. If I did, I might not be so inclined to write an article about Judge Adams. Since I am safely in a neighboring county, I can afford my outrage, not just at the Judge, but also at a system that protects people in power, regardless of their actions. Our justice system is set up to stop abuse in the home. Our justice system takes domestic violence extremely seriously. Before this incident, I assumed that

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the days of a public official beating his wife and daughter were gone. I thought that a public official could not sweep something like that under the rug as easily as he could 50 years ago. And maybe that’s true. Perhaps 50 years ago, there would have been no official inquiry, but what was the point of the inquiry? He was not removed. His pay was not decreased. He suffered no actual punishment. He was paid for the entire year he was on suspension. He returns to his bench with the same honor and dignity, which is afforded to all Judges. If that is not being swept under the rug, I do not know what is. Pomp and circumstance does not replace substance. If our system cannot punish this Judge, if it cannot punish in a case where the evidence is so glaring and so abundant, then we do not have an effective system for punishing our officials. I hope to see Judge Adams kicked out of office in 2014, just as I would like to see any public official in his situation be kicked out of office. V For a full text of his public warning, go to this site: http://tinyurl.com/boxea8q

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The Vent Magazine Dec 2012