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Wake Up and… #FlipADistrict by Wil Henneberger

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know, I know. You’re sick of hearing me ignorantly go on about politics… Well, I’m sorry, but something great recently happened and it is my duty as someone who gives two craps about the state of our country / species to make sure you didn’t miss it. A couple of weeks ago Bill Maher began filling out the brackets to determine which Congressional District he and his TV show will put their efforts behind, in order to possibly flip it from Red to Blue. Or Republican to Democrat for those of you who are color blind. Or silly prick to decent human being, for those of you who are liberal a-holes like myself. Our current Congressman Blake Farenthold, was one of the first two picked (16 total). First of all you should know all this! If you aren’t watching Real Time on HBO, you should be. Start now. If you still don’t understand, let me clear it up for you. Political Comedian Bill Maher wants to vote OUT our local representative in Washington D.C., who probably thinks people who didn’t understand the previous paragraph don’t deserve

to be a part of the conversation; and vote IN someone who wants everyone to be a part of making the decisions that govern us, even if you ARE a lazy, welfare collecting illegal alien. Something like that. Good. Let’s move on. We were picked early Corpus Christi, so we have the chance to create some momentum. You don’t even have to get off the couch. Just get on twitter and #FlipADistrict @ billmaher to tell him how fed up you are with the nonsense from Blakey. Or at least tell him you heard from The Vent that you’re supposed to be pissed. If you need to channel some anger, just think about the finale of How I Meet Your Mother. I might be watching too much TV. V

Dead To Me Obit: Fred Phelps 1929- 2014

Fred

The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to the enrichment of Corpus Christi through Comedy. Send all comments and letters to: ventnation@yahoo.com The Vent Magazine 361549-6213

Waldron Phelps, Sr. an American pastor who headed the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, died on March 19th, 2014

Publisher/Creative Director: William Henneberger Contributing Writers: William Henneberger Kat McCloud Stella Starr Javi Luna Nathan Clark Kyle Hoelscher Citizen Schwartz Kristen Bily Zombie Art by Russell Tippit Cover & Special Effects by Bralynn Bell The Vent Disclaimer:The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Any statements made expressed or implied in the Vent are solely those of columnist and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters, products, and photos published are trademark and copyright of their respective owners.

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just before plans to come out of the closet. I loved you Freddie, and I know you loved me to. For years, as our relationship grew, we would secretly exchange messages through our protest signs. I knew when you held that “God Hates Fags” sign, that you were really telling me not to forget the lube later. And when I held my “Tolerance is a virtue” sign, I meant… well, I meant what it said Freddy! We didn’t have much in common, but if things stayed as hot as they were in the bedroom, who knows, we could have had something deep. Just like you like it. Freddy baby, you are Dead To Me. – Your Sunday night boy toy V

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SXSW VIPs RIP

With 10’s of thousands of peo-

ple flooding Austin, TX for the annual South By Southwest Music, Film, and Interactive Conference and Festival and hotels booked for a year in advance there is no shortage of people looking for a place to crash. However, usually it’s not through a barricade killing two people and injuring 23 others while running from the police. But that’s what happened in the early morning hours of March 13, 2014 when Rashad Charjuan Owens evaded police and plowed down the crowded Red River Street in Austin striking and killing a man from the Netherlands on a bicycle and an Austin woman on a moped scooter while trying to avoid being pulled over from a DUI patrol unit. There were several bystanders to the incident one was 21-year-old Emmet Hines, who witnessed the accident from a smoke shop just down the street. Once we got Emmet’s attention, he had this to say, “I heard some guy from the Netherlands on a bike got killed man. That **** is crazy. I didn’t even know you could ride a bike from the Netherlands.” We had to cut our interview short with Mr. Hines as Austin PD wanted to question him on an unrelated matter after a particular odor was detected coming from his hand rolled cigarette. We then caught up with University of Texas Senior Kyle Stringer. Stringer offered a very insightful account of the incident once we got him to stop shouting at us about his affiliation with the Delta chapter of the Beta Alpha Gamma fraternity. The self proclaimed D-BAG brother said that he was standing outside waiting to get into a party with his bros to see if they “could find some chicks that were DTF”. That’s when Owens’ gray Honda Civic came crashing through the barri-

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by Javi Luna

cade and racing down the street. “At first I though it was a promotional stunt for the new Fast and Furious 7 film” At that time Stringer stopped for a “bro-ment” of silence for Paul Walker with his frat brothers. “Once I realized it was real my brothers and I started seeing if there was any hot b***** that needed CPR.” Mr. Stringer also prematurely ended our interview as he had to go “lotion his new tribal tat” so it doesn’t dry out. Immediately after ending our conversation with Mr. Stringer we were approached by a woman, Jayde Morgan, who identified herself as the bass player for Asthmatic Female Operatic Vampire Punk Rock group, Vag the Inhaler. Ms. Morgan offered up her conspiracy theory on why Mr. Owens committed such a horrendous act. According to Ms. Morgan the conference this year has been riddled with people trying to one up each other for the #DoritosBold campaign to get Lady Gaga tickets and that Mr. Owens was a victim of a “once pure” festival for music lovers that had been “raped and ravaged of its soul” by corporate sponsors. After that, Morgan went on a long drawn out rant about “true artistry” but we didn’t really pay attention because the cleavage in her corset wasn’t really all that great and we ended the conversation because frankly she scared us. Rashad Charjuan Owens has been charged with two counts of capitol murder, an offense punishable by death in the state of Texas. If Owens pleads to a lesser charge and gets time off for good behavior he could be released in time for SXSW 2045 which is scheduled to be headlined by John Mayer and Katy Perry’s demon child on the Doritos Extreme Food Capsules stage. V

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Local Weather Man Accused of Plagiarizing Forecasts by Nathan Clark KRIS Six News Chief Meteorolo-

gist and local celebrity, Dale Nelson, appears to be at the center of a storm of controversy. Nelson, who’s been with KRIS for over 30 years, has been accused of plagiarizing other local weathermen’s forecasts. It all started when KIII Meteorologist and former restaurant dishwasher, Bill Vessey, was hearing from viewers how eerily similar their forecasts were. “When I first heard of this I was shocked. Weather forecasting is near and dear to my heart, and for him to copy what I say and pass it off as his own work. It just makes me sick.” Vessey isn’t the only one vexed by Nelson’s prediction plagiarisms. Juan Acuna, KZTV Chief Meteorologist and current man boy, said he’s gone too far with this. “It’s unfathomable. If I say during a broadcast it’s going to be “75 degrees today with partly cloudy skies and 90 percent humidity” Well guess what? Dale’s saying the exact same thing. Total bullshit. He needs to do his own thing.” Once Dale Nelson got wind of this, he took to his twitter account (@DaleNelsonWX) to apologize and clear the air: “Weather forecasting isn’t particularly creative work. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work.” “In my excitement and naivete as a Chief Meteorologist, I got

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lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation.” “I fucked up.” Minutes after these tweets were posted it was discovered that Nelson had plagiarized these apologies from Shia LaBeouf. Fortunately, LaBeouf had no problem with this since he’d done the same. While Nelson has created a Hurricane sized problem on his path of plagiarism, the only ones not effected by this are local news viewers. Ruben Barrera of Robstown said, “They’re reporting local weather. Should he report on Houston weather instead? I don’t see what the big deal is. I love Del Nielsen.” When asked to comment on these allegations, Nelson said, “We didn’t start this. We didn’t mean for this to happen. But we’re not giving up until you pay! FAIR IS FAIR!” It was later learned from my older brother that this was a direct quote from 80’s cult classic movie and local favorite, The Legend of Billie Jean. After a weeks worth of apologies to his peers, and apologizing for the plagiarisms of his apologies, Dale Nelson has officially retired from public life. This was announced last night during the 10 o’clock news. He simply stood in front of his old green screen wearing a paper bag on his head that read, “I’m Not Forecasting Anymore.” Winter may be over, but it’s just starting for Dale Nelson. V

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National News Stories courtesy of: For stories like these visit www.citizenschwartz.com & follow Citizen Schwartz on Twitter and at www.facebook.com/citizenschwartz

Facebook’s New “Suicide Note Videos” Alarmingly Popular, Recent Data Suggests It seems the people at Facebook have some explaining to do in the wake of the incredibly successful roll-out of the social networking site’s “Haven’t You Lived Long Enough?” retrospective video compilation service. The service provides users not only with a quick retrospective of their time on Facebook set to an instrumental rendition of Semisonic’s hit song “Closing Time,” but also provides each user with a compelling video presentation demonstrating that they’ve probably lived

long enough and shouldn’t bother people with any more posts about their trivial, meaningless existence. “It was not the intention of Facebook to glorify or promote suicide,” Holly Monroe — head of marketing strategy at Facebook stated in a somber message, “we were simply trying to build on our wonderful 10 Year Anniversary videos by providing our users with a very valuable service at a very difficult time. Clearly we did far too good a job.” Indeed, both police statistics and the Facebook site itself demonstrate an astonishing spike in the suicide rate in every population in which Facebook is popular. Forensic psychologist Adrian Menninger was not surprised by the trend: “Sad as it is to say, suicide is fundamentally a selfinvolved or narcissistic act. Clearly the exact same thing can be said about posting on Facebook. It’s a natural nexus.”

Josh Peterson, a Facebook user from St. Sebastian, MN offered a different theory: “What do I think? I think people would kill themselves to avoid seeing another goddamn Facebook video. That’s what I think.” Mark Zuckerberg could not be reached for comment.

Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle (North Pole) - Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else. “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer late Tuesday afternoon, “I also bring heightened security. It’s my responsibility in a post-9/11 world. I need to do what I can. Ho. Ho. Ho. Asked for clarification, the Jolly Mr. Claus admitted that he had allowed his significant fact-gathering apparatus to be put to work for the U.S. National Security Agency and had, in fact, provided that organization with his an un-redacted copy of his previously sacrosanct list of all the children in the world sorted by their status as being either “naughty” or “nice” during the previous calendar year. “At least he’s finally admitting it,” sniped an angry Guardian journalist Glenn Greenwald — also a guest on Blitzer’s telecast. “I mean, this jocular admission comes after months of slandering both Mr. Elf and Mr. The Snowman.” Indeed, former Claus employees Julian Elf and Edward T. Snowman have been urging and examination of Santa’s practices for months after the pair left work, leaking a treasure-trove of communications between Santa’s North Pole data collection outfit and various US intelligence agencies. However, until now Santa had been reticent to discuss the matter claiming that both Elf and Snowman were in violation of contract and North Pole law in discussing anything having to do with the list. He had further suggested that while information about the letters might have been shared, the content was never seen by NSA agents. This has since been proven not to be the case.

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“Look” a suddenly animated Mr. The Snowman announced as Mr. Greenwald placed an old silk hat upon his head. “I may have been magically born yesterday but even I know that if you give people free access to personal information, they’ll take a look. It’s just human nature. There must be checks and balances. I’ll melt before I accept anything less.” Greenwald himself was not only indignant concerning the privacy issues raised by the NSA’s access to Santa’s list; he found the Security Agency’s desire to access the information in-and-of-itself troubling. “This list is useless as a national security matter. I mean, every Jewish, Muslim or otherwise non-Christian child is listed as being naughty here! How can that help!? I myself am listed as ‘naughty’ twice, once for my lack of belief and once for being ‘strident’ and ‘uncompromising.’ So what if I am? Did you break any stories that have made the country better this year, Mr. Claus? F**k that. I have every right to get a present.” While the usually Jolly Saint Nick showed flashes of anger and refused to acknowledge that any mistakes have been made in developing the current policy, he did seem to admit that his practices must be examined going forward.

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“Ho, ho, ho,” Santa concluded, gathering himself after losing his cool for a moment, “I might have to reevaluate the situation next year now that all this information has come to light in such an unfortunate, incomplete way. These leaks were just terrible and have and undermined the world community’s sense that we are closely adhering to the spirit of Christmas here. If some adjustments need to be made in light of discloses, they will be; my first goal is that all have a merry christmas. Ho, ho, however: security matters too, and I assure you that, on balance this program has always been in the best interest of good children everywhere.”

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Don’t Get Mad... Get Dirty

Mad Caddies- House of Rock 4/10

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arped Tour. If you read this magazine, chances are, you’ve either got a vague idea of it, or you went every year until your early twenties and desperately yearn for the days of yore. The glued-up blue liberty spikes pointing to the sky as hundreds of “hoodlums”, as my nana called us, roamed around laced in spikes, soaking in the overwhelming thunder of rebellion pumping through speakers. Everywhere you looked, Ska.... Punk....Metal....SkapunkmetalraggaeStep...and my personal favorite, Skunk. I bring up Warped Tour because

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by Kat McCloud when I heard the Mad Caddies “Bring It Down”, to were finally releasing another the reggae/dub comalbum, after SEVEN FUCKING ponents of “Shoot YEARS (I forgive you Mad Out the Lights” and to Caddies), my mind immediately “Dangerous”, drifted to reminiscing upon the the Beatles or even Warped Tour. They were al- Squeeze influence ways there. And like Warped “Down and Out”, Tour.... they were classics to Dirty Rice truly has me. They not only encompass it all. Yet, even with “Skunk”, but they aren’t the all its variety, the type of band you feel kind of album never feels a ashamed for liking (cough, bit disjointed. Skilled song writcough, “MXPX”, “Dashboard ing and Chuck’s smooth vocals Confessional”). No....the Mad act as a thread that weaves each Caddies were fun, and they song together seamlessly, crewere punk as hell, and they ating a well-balanced cohesive were right up there with “The collection. With nearly 7 years Voodoo Glow Skulls” and “Bad having passed since releasing Religion” to me. They were leg- their last new material, MAD end... and to this day, turning up CADDIES fans are hungry for Road Rash, full blast, I am NOT Dirty Rice and the band will be hitting the road hard throughout ASHAMED OF MY SKUNK. So yah, they did it, and the 2014 to serve it up live.” new album from the Fat Wreck At this point, I had shit my Chords Label (shout out’s to pants. Not really, but the exciteFat Mike of NOFX, WE LOVE ment was built and as I began YOUR SHIT BRO!), is aptly listening, It felt like nothing and everything had changed. The titled Dirty Rice. I wasn’t sure what to expect music felt matured, but mainwhen I read the promotional tained it’s youthful vibe and material that came with the fun. I could see it playing at a yet-to-be-released Dirty Rice. new years party while college It spells it out pretty clearly.... kids punch each other and dance but I’m always hesitant to get and bang one another, and I my hopes up, for fear of being could see my parents twirling let down, or maybe not “getting each other around. Dirty Rice opens with Brand it”. Here’s what it said: “Like well-seasoned wayfar- New Scar....a swanky, southern, ers, the MAD CADDIES have doowoppy, horn heavy, angry spent years roaming the musical plea and declaration. A fanlandscape and thoughtfully col- tastic opener, it was refreshing lecting ingredients from the var- to know I’d have a new jam to ied regions they encounter. A drunkenly scream. A great afterscoop of reggae, a pinch of ska, the-bar/party chant. “BADADA a dash of Dixieland, a splash of ragtime, all mixed into a punk-rock stock and finished with a dollop of pure melody; the CADDIES cook up an olio of music like no other. The Cajun dish dirty rice is the perfect metaphor for the MAD CADDIES sound and is the apt title of their latest full-length. Just like its namesake, Dirty Rice combines a hodgepodge of elements into a tasty crave-inducing platter. From the absolute classic CADDIES up-tempo-punkmeets-Dixieland sound on

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LA BADA BOPPPPP!!!” It reminded me of Swingers meets Warped Tour. Love Myself is an immediate turn in tone, and we’re just on TRACK 2!! The power punk shows in this gem, and from here on out, the rest of the album is a blur of skanking in my living room alone and fist pumping like a guido on energy drank. This is an album that feels like a festival. It’s diverse. Every song is different, like a deconstructed Mad Caddies....or perhaps a sampler, if you will. You will never appreciate Dixie as much as after Dirty Rice hits your eardrums. The Album is set for release on May 13th, however YOU can hear the Mad Caddies play it LIVE on their upcoming tour in April! On April 10th, House of Rock in Corpus Christi presents the Mad Caddies for a mere $13!!!! It will be a phenomenal time for sure, with a live show that has kicked ass “Rudy” style since 1995!!! Get your tickets now.... and BUY THE ALBUM IN MAY. V

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The Bitchin’ Kitchen at House of Rock

Words by Kat McCloud

The Kitchen at the House of Rock

is now OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!! Vent readers, get ready to stuff your face with some AMAZING dishes that will make you question how it is possible to get great music and food-network worthy cuisine in the multicultural HOR, that for eight years has been serving us up sweet jams. Picture this: Look left.....Mad Caddies (Coming in April), Look right....delicious food that will make you forget about the band. It’s overwhelming...and it’s all YOURS! The venue is stepping it up to a whole new level, with concept owner Casey Lain providing a shift in the playing field for bar food in our city. . As far as the menu goes, here’s what we know: “On the menu will be specialty

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Pics by Leslie Morin

pizzas (offered whole or by the slice), assorted appetizers, fresh salads and sandwiches. All menu options will be to-go friendly. On April 2nd, the kitchen will be open 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Beginning April 3rd, the kitchen will be open for dinner with a limited menu. The full menu will be available the following week.” We wanted to know more, so we sat down with head chef Adam Rios, who helped launch and make legend of “Franks” in Austin, TX...a national favorite and distinguished among fine end hot dogs... Vent: First, tell us about your history in the kitchen! You successfully ran Frank in Austin, TX correct? What did you learn from that experience that you’d like to carry over into this new concept?

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Adam: My previous experience in the kitchen really blossomed at Frank. I was fortunate enough to be mentored by some of the most creative folks in Austin. I came from a background of straightforward concepts and recipes. These guys had no boundaries, and were always open to new and inventive ideas. The concept of “high end, low brow” was the philosophy at Frank. House of Rock Owner Casey Lain (left) with Head Chef Adam Rios We were always the food? Would you call it “Bar Food”, “comfort coming up with creative concepts, and original branding on ev- food”? Tell us about you! erything we did. Sure, a lot of people might be making hot dogs, but no one was think- Adam: We had a few soft openings, and the reing of sausage coined the Notorious P.I.G.... sponse was incredible! I’m proud of the fact that or selling a Slayerd Dog for $6.66...I was we didn’t rush into anything. We thought carefully taught the value of creativity. And so, I took about our menu concept, and how it would not only that freedom and ran with it. That’s what I am bring in newcomers to HoR, but keep our loyal trying to do with The House of Rock. I want fan base happy. Casey was very patient with me, to continue to create amazing concepts, open and always encouraged me to stay creative. When peoples minds up a bit. I am not just creating you are dealing with budgets and food costs, it can Pizzas and Sandwiches. I am trying to push be tempting to just throw your hands up and think the brand of HoR. To let people know that “ah- it’s just bar food...throw it in a basket and feed we aren’t just a pizza stand. But, that we are a the drunks waiting for the show!” I am fortunate Music and Art driven Food haven for anyone enough to be part of a team that doesn’t want to that appreciates food with a flare. I can’t wait settle. We enjoyed hearing folks say that the food for people to try some things coming down the was not what they expected at a venue/bar. That we pipe! I want Corpus Christi to be ready for our somehow upped the bar a bit. Let’s face it, we are MC5Topping, Meal Diamond, or Piggy and downtown. The general public has several high-end the Stooges! Our weekly specials will hope- locations for foodies to patronize. And though our fully always be true to the spirit of things I’ve food might not be “upscale”, it certainly is quality. I appreciated, or been influenced by. appreciated the fact that the suits from the law firm around the corner were sitting right beside some Vent: What is the concept behind tattoo artists from down the road. All the while music is shifting from Sabbath to Lucero. That’s what the new HOR Kitchen? we wanted. At the end of the day, I just wanted to Adam: “High end low brow” is create a new vibe. One that revolved around good a mantra for me. I want to take a food and drinks...and clean restrooms, hehe. I used blue-collar staple and give it some to bbq in backyards when I was younger. Before juice! I am going to love pairing long, I was catering FFFest [Fun Fun Fun Festival beers with some of our specials, in Austin, TX]. I’ve fed some of the very artists I and creating a sort of “happy meal” grew up on, and had the pleasure of being a part of for those that love good food, at a some amazing places. Right now, I’m back in my great price! Personally, I love piz- hometown creating a kitchen concept in the very za, but I want people to enjoy OUR venue I used to attend shows at. Aside from being a Father to my two sons, Atticus and Maddox, I brand of Pizza. couldn’t ask for much more... Vent: When is the grand opening? What is your inspiration for The KITCHEN is OPEN! V

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MoonTower : The Best Little Comedy Fest in Texas by Kat McCloud

The Moontower Comedy and Oddities

festival is in it’s third year, hitting the post-SXSW streets of Austin, TX for three days in April. As the fest draws near, the multi-venue sprawl, badgerequiring, star-filled packed line-up will leave comedy fanatics drooling. A sweet breath of fresh-air to comics and bookers alike, this compilation of powerhouses features not only headliners from all over the world, but also local comics desperately needing some attention from industry professionals that have yet to see the burgeoning talent that only the great big state of Texas can supply. With shows carefully curated around the specific talents of the bill, audiences can expect showcases like Unhinged, Four Eyes, Stashed, and Switchbox. The idea being that while in one venue, you can expect a bunch of four-eyed nerds talking about Pop Culture, World of Warcraft, Gaming nerd style comedy, in another you can expect “stoner” comedy, and in another more family-friendly musings. This time of careful curation allows for someone who is very specific about their style of entertainment, to simply pick and choose between establishments that cater to their own preference. Of course it wouldn’t be a badass comedy festival without headliners like Maria Bamford, Hannibal Burress, Fred Armison, Dennis Miller, Collin Quinn, Demetri Martin, and Ari Shaffir.... just to name a few. “I recognize some of these names but some don’t quite ring a bell...”, you might be sayin. Here, let me help you. Do you like.... LOVE Tim and Eric? Well then Maria Bamford might be your girl....while frequently featured on the Adult Swim classic, Bamford can be seen ALL OVER comedy central, Target commercials, and is described by my own mother as, “That weird one who does the voices??? Oh I love her...”. Yes, Bamford is unique, endearing as fuck, and HILARIOUS. Her bit about joining a cult will leave you in shambles (in a good way). As a headliner, it doesn’t get much better than her. Hannibal Burress has not only been a writer for hits like 30 Rock, and Saturday Night Live, but he currently co-stars in the hit comedy central show Broad City as the hilarious lead love interest known as “Lincoln”. The lovelorn dentist Hannibal plays isn’t really a stretch from his real-life persona, which shines through onstage, as he walks the audience through bits like “Pegion Kicking”.... something we’ve all thought about but

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never tried. If you see no-one else at the festival, see Hannibal. Of course Collin Quinn will be there, of Larry Sanders glory, Dennis Miller of Weekend Update, and then there is the biggest surprise since Cosby appeared miraculously at South By....That’s right. Everyone’s favorite Canadian misanthropes will be there...Yes, I’m talking about... THE KIDS IN THE FUCKING HALL. The Canadian princes have come a long way from their 80’s/90’s, Pogue theme song pumping, flannel around the waist, “peak”, but it seems they are poised to peak again....all over our faces. After a fantastic return into the spotlight with Buddy Cole (Scott Thompson’s alsoGay Alter-Ego) churning out hilarious interviews during the Sochi Olympics on The Daily Show, where he not only hilariously deterred himself from

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what seemed like a very likely arrest, Thompson also managed to remind us all to laugh, even when things are fucking terrible. Whether it’s a perfectly-timed reintroduction into the public, or a long awaited reunion, the addition of the KITH to the Moontower line up leaves us thinking this is the best comedy festival in the country. If you don’t attend any other comedy festival ever again, make sure this is the one you end on. With the amount of hilarity packed into three days, it would be impossible to list the credits in a few pages of a magazine, but the above should give you a vision of how impressive this gathering is, despite being a baby all of three years old. The Moontower festival runs from April 23rd-26th in Austin, TX. Tickets and showtime info can be found at AustinTheatre.org V

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Wayne Static - Zeros 4/14

by Kat McCloud

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hen you hear the name “Wayne Static”, what do you think? The first thing that comes to mind for those of us who lived through the burgeoning Nu Metal movement of the late nineties/ early 00’s, is “The guy with the hair?” Although surely Wayne didn’t begin playing music solely to be recognized for his signature style, with sky-high tresses held up by what must surely be some sort of indestructible demon-glue, the front man of Static-X certainly set himself and his band aside from others that were just kind of globbed into a stew of deep growls and strange masks. In fact, at the time, even groups like Mushroomhead, SLIPKNOT, and even Wes Borland of Limp Bizkit glory were fading into a distant memory, having worn off their novelty as musical tastes changed. The appeal that set Static-X apart could have been the hair....but most agree it’s the music. “Push It” was as unforgettable as any, and while most bands just gave up and changed with the times....Static and his band mates continued to tour the festival circuit, push out new music, and continue to trudge

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on as best they could. Eventually, in 2011, Wayne did what any respectable frontman with incredible hair and a solid brand would do, and went solo. As though he were the Justin Timberlake of Industrial, Wayne has not just maintained a general presence in the metal community with his band Pighammer, but he has maintained a collaborative relationship with several diverse musicians along the way. Until Pighammer released their debut in October of 2011 on Dirthouse Records, Wayne had collaborated with the likes of Jonathan Davis (Korn), Godhead, Soil, and Run DMC. We sat down with Wayne to talk with him about his present, past, and future plans for himself, and ponder whether or not we will see a reunion of Static-X. You can find Wayne Static at Zeros April 14th, where he will be performing Wisconsin Death Trip in its entirety along with all the hits. You can read an interview with the man himself in this month’s issue of our print competitor, in case you happen to be familiar with that publication. V

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The Angry Hippie with Stella Starr Adventures in Alternative Living

C oconut:Okay,Miracle of Nature or Trendy Bullshit?? I know there have been tons of articles in print

and on the web lately touting the mysterious miraculous beauty and health elixir that is coconut oil. It has been said to treat everything from problem skin to stained teeth to diabetes, and everyone seems to have a success story or caveat emptor to report on the matter. Now, faithful readers of The Vent would hardly expect their beloved paper to pander to hype and jump on any kind of popular bandwagon, would they? Well, tough, because I have conducted my own experiments with this exotic wonder oil, and the editor needs to fill space. So here it is: The Product: organic virgin coconut oil, 16 oz jar (purchased at a health food store in another town; I’ve seen the same product in our local Sprouts) What it looks, feels, smells like: It’s oil, but it’s solid at room temperature, being a saturated fat and all. It looks like solid paraffin wax, like the kind you’d buy to make your own candles and shit, but once you scoop it out it starts to melt down with the heat of your hands. (Even if you have naturally cool hands, it will soften up and liquefy as you hold it in your palm.) I have to say, I love the smell, which is (of course) coconut-y and sweet without being cloying. It does not absorb right away, though.

What I used it for: Skin: A little history: When I turned 35 I had a sudden change in the state of my skin. I had always been pretty oily, had frequent breakouts, the whole bad skin experience. I actually took Accutane back when it was still legal; a few years after I stopped it I had the same problems as before. Only in my adult years have I realized that my skin is also super sensitive, and a lot of stuff makes me break out. Staying away from dairy helps, and I know to patch test pretty much anything I put on my face. But as I was saying, when I got old my skin was suddenly dry and itchy after washing, and I could see the tiniest beginnings of wrinkling around my mouth and eyes. Unfortunately, many anti-aging products I have tried have either not done much to help the dryness and/or made me break out. So… I decided to try coconut oil. I decided to use it only at night, and the first time I applied it pretty thickly. It’s a good thing I’m single, because my shiny face would have grossed out any guy waiting in my bed. The smell, like I said, was sweet and light, and not bothersome to me at all. (I also have a super keen sense of smell, and many ordinary odors make me sick to my stomach. This really does not bug.) Even my kids liked it. When I kissed them goodnight my daughter said I smelled “tropical. Reminds me of the beach.” My son said I smelled like a piece of candy. The next morning, my skin was soft, smooth, and not oily or greasy at all. I didn’t even wash my face, just did the French-girl thing and splashed with cold water. Then I put my regular tinted moisturizer and went about my day. I honestly did not notice any really change that first day, other than my makeup going on a little more smoothly than usual. But, that afternoon, after a full day of work and school (I’m a grad student), I attended my daughter’s basketball game. Walking up the bleachers to sit next to another mom, she smiled at me and said, “Every time I see you, Stella, you look younger and younger.” Wow! Needless to say, I have been using coconut oil as my night cream ever since, and after a month of regular use my skin feels smoother and looks less tired. As for breakouts, which I still suffer from once a month thanks to my beloved, still-functioning-like-clockwork reproductive system, they have not gone away. But little clogged pores and irritations seem to have disappeared. Grade for coconut oil as skin treatment: AHair: I recently colored my (naturally dark) hair professionally for the first time to correct an at-home dye job that left me with tacky, S. Texas reddish-brown streaks. That was not the look I was going for; I just wanted to cover some grays! Sadly, the pro job, while getting me back to my original hue, left my hair pretty dry and limp. I tried a deep conditioner, but that just left me greasy. So I applied a boatload of coconut oil to my dry hair one night, piled it atop my head with a scrunchie, put a beach towel on my pillow, and went to bed. The next morning I washed my hair a

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couple of times with cheapie shampoo, and I did not apply conditioner. Holy palm trees, Batman, I could see the shine even before my hair dried. Once it did dry, it was bouncy and glossy. Damn, I felt like a Victoria’s Secret model. Well, from the neck up anyway. I now do the deep condition, overnight or for a few hours on a weekend, once a week. My hair looks lovely, I wash it only a couple of times a week, and it smells great. Grade for coconut oil as hair treatment: A+ Oil Pulling: Okay, this next use is going to sound really weird and really gross. But another remedy that is being talked about all over is oil pulling. That is, swishing oil in your mouth for a certain amount of time and then spitting it out. Some oils recommended are sesame and olive, but coconut oil is also said to be beneficial. Why would someone do this disgusting thing? Well, proponents of the practice say it whitens the teach, freshens the breath, and even pulls toxins from your bloodstream to clear up your skin and cleanse your body from the inside out. The benefits of detoxifying are wide-ranging and controversial; some believe detox is the secret to perfect skin, healthy weight, and general fabulousness. There is no scientific proof of any of these claims at his time, however. I did my first oil pulling exercise the morning after I first used coconut oil as a facial treatment. I scooped about a teaspoon of the oil and put it in my mouth. It melted almost immediately, and I swished it around as I took my morning shower. I’m not sure if I had it in my mouth for exactly 20 minutes (as is recommended), but I tend to take long showers so it may have been longer than that. I spit it out in the shower (alert: that stuff is slick!! Rinse or scrub it away immediately, or risk breaking a hip!), then brushed my teeth with my regular whitening toothpaste. Now, I don’t smoke or drink coffee or wine, the three major things that make teeth look like shit. So my teeth are in pretty good shape. But when I went for my regular cleaning after about two weeks of oil pulling my dentist remarked on how clean my teeth were. That was proof enough for me. Grade for oil pulling (teeth whitening/cleansing only): A+* **I have not seen any detoxifying effects of oil pulling. Conclusion: Okay, I don’t look like a supermodel, and I have not lost weight. But my skin is softer, my teeth are whiter, and my hair is shinier. So if you think this would work for you, give it a go. The worse thing that could happen is you end up staining your sheets, but come on, haven’t you done that a time or two already?? ***The comments in this article are the opinion of the writer, and not those of the editors or publishers of The Vent magazine. The writer is not a doctor or health professional, and makes no claims as such. The information in this article is solely intended as entertainment.*** V Next month: Teas for Your Troubles: Herbal Remedies for Health and Wealth

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Sex & the Small Town: by Stella Starr

The Two of You

“I

have to tell you something,” he says. The lisp is slightly more pronounced in what you have come to recognize as his end-of-day, already smoked, already ingested several beers languishing, the lisp you found endearing at the beginning, when it gave you a glimpse behind the cold sure wit, helped you see what he must have been like as a teen, slimmer, shyer, just fumbling with his intelligence and just beginning to know what he knew. (Why hadn’t you known each other then, when he must have just learnt about the collective unconscious and made his now-tedious rude connection to anal sex-the jokes would have been so refreshing and alluring then, and the lisp would have added such a geeky-cool angle. Now it was all just infuriating and sad). Now the impediment causes your belly to seethe with rage, makes you want to rip out his tongue with every lackadaisical pronunciation of the syllable, particularly when he uses it to form the word “psycho.” “I’ve been invited to the island this weekend,” he continues. “Oh?” you say. “I’ll be at the beach, too. It’s Brenda’s week at the condo, and she wants me to come since the kids are with Gary this weekend.” You blather on; something in his voice has propelled your pointless narrative, pushed you to steer the topic to you because you don’t want to hear what else he has to say about the upcoming weekend, his plans for the coast, plans that his tone clearly says do not include you. `“Maybe we can meet for dinner.” Your voice is growing faint. You want to pretend that it’s all still happening between the two of you. You want to pretend that it’s real. He sighs. “I don’t think you’ll want to have dinner with me, not this weekend or ever again.” He’s met someone else, someone who has a house on the beach, someone who has obviously been close to him for a while. Who invites someone they first met to their home for an entire weekend? And as it’s happening, this pseudo-dump, since he never wanted to call you his girlfriend, since he cringed every time you said you loved him, since he once pulled you into Agent Provocateur and shoved you into a rack of corsets when his ex-wife and children appeared from around a corner on the street (the fact that he bought you $700 worth of lingerie after hasn’t erased the sting of having to untangle your hair from several dangling garters)-it doesn’t qualify as a real dump since he was never your real boyfriend-still, as it’s happening, it all slows down, like a glass of wine falling over the edge of a table, so slowly that you see the spill and spreading liquid and the carpet sopping it up, in reality too quickly to be remedied, only wiped up after it happens, but you see it all

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done as it’s happening, and you mourn the spill in the moment before it’s a spill, and your brain ticks off the things you will have to do to clean it up, the mess and the broken glass (and you remember the slice of white bread, good for nothing except lifting the tiniest bits of exploded crystal) and you move on almost the moment the glass hits the floor,

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because you already know what you are going to do, you already know how to take care of it, you’ve done it so many times before. But still, no matter how many times you’ve cleaned up before, every time it’s still bracing and blindsiding and stunning. Every time it happens, it feels like a fresh death. V

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So... What’s Your Sign APRIL 2014

by Cleo Soliz and Francine Preston

Happy birthday, Aries!

The lunar eclipse on the 15th will prompt an end to a romantic relationship or friendship. It will be painful, but this is a necessary change in your life as this association has become more of a burden than a blessing in recent months. Another close association will develop soon after, but this one has the potential to be more complicated than the last. Tread carefully, Aries. Taurus Reclusive feelings overwhelm you as the month opens. Perhaps recent stresses and worries have you wanting to hole up under the covers, but the sensation passes by midmonth. Toward the last two weeks a special work or leisure project may be completed, and a grand idea for a new career path will come into focus.

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Scorpio Intuitive Mercury sends some major intuitive vibes to your sign in the first week of the month. Weird vibes, seemingly nonsensical dreams, and odd coincidences are always major signs for you, Scorpio, but pay special attention this month. The cosmos is trying to tell you something, and after the year and a half you have had you need to start listening.

Gemini After a good stretch of family and money troubles emotions threaten to bubble over for you this month. The problems are finally ending, but you must find some constructive outlet for the frustration that has been building. Have you considered journaling as a release? You may find that you produce some amazing material, and a new future could just open up.

Sagittarius You have work piling up but there are issues at home that need to be dealt with. These issues are not catastrophic but Jupiter, the closure planet, is moving across your house of domesticity, so this is the ideal time to clean house, so to speak. Don’t worry; the work at the office will still be waiting when you come back.

Cancer The first half of the month has your head in the clouds thanks to dreamy Venus flitting around in your house of fantasies. But things are happening here on earth that require your attention. You may be sucked into a dramatic dispute between two family members or friends who are asking you to choose sides. Try to be a good listener while keeping out of the fray. It will blow over quickly, but this situation will shed new light on a previously puzzling situation.

Capricorn You are known for your relentless work ethic. But even goats need a break, and this month is the perfect time to kick back and take a spontaneous vacation. It doesn’t need to be something extravagant, and we know you won’t want to neglect your work for too long. But a quick weekend jaunt with your significant other or even alone will do wonders for your psyche. In fact, under the influence of idea-sparking Mercury you could get a brilliant new idea for a personal project while on break.

Leo As the zodiac’s get-it-done man you set high expectations for yourself, and you almost always achieve them. But a goal this month may be too big even for you. That is, you are trying to set something up and don’t want to rely on anyone else’s input or help. That has worked in the past, but the lunar eclipse mid-month ensures that there are others who are willing and able to help you.

Aquarius Your focus is on your home life this month. Your family’s comfort and security are always paramount in your mind, and you will have great ideas for sprucing up your home and making it safer. Use the energy from the Jupiter and Mercury transits to do some major spring cleaning, revamping home décor, or installing a new security system.

Virgo This is a month of transformation, Virgo, and we aren’t talking about a new ‘do. Saturn’s retrograde brings back old wishes and dreams, but this time you have the cosmic toolbox to help you achieve some (maybe even all!) of them. But start slow; choose the most do-able task and once that’s complete your other goals will roll on in.

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Libra After a busy couple of months you now crave some quality time with your loved ones. But thanks to social butterfly Venus they may have their own busy calendars to contend with. Don’t take it personally. Schedule something for the end of the month and everyone will show up.

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Pisces Venus’ movement through your house of self and leisure prompts you to act in quite a self-indulgent way this month. You may be inclined to neglect your fitness routine and/or diet, and you may even be inclined to engage in some risky behavior. Our advice now is as it has always been: have fun, but keep it clean. V

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Me The People: I

t has been stated before in this column that our current government attitudes towards DWI are more like a witchhunt than a quest for greater public safety. Somewhere along the line in trying to make our streets safer, DWI became the demon. And as such, any measure taken against the demon would be acceptable. Indeed, there is a growing movement have a DWI exception to the constitution. There are already many areas of law where you have your full constitutional rights, until you are accused of DWI. Then your rights are automatically forfeited. Today’s column will seek to call out the silliest of DWI detection tools. Law enforcement places great reliance upon them, yet they lack scientific validity and have never been subjected to significant scrutiny. They were designed in the 70’s to test for a .10 blood alcohol level. They were criticized at that time for lack of accuracy. When DWI blood alcohol levels were lowered to .08, they magically became accurate to determine when someone was .08. This article will go through the main tests and discuss the failures and pitfalls of each. More importantly, this article should convince you not to take these tests seriously and if an officer is asking you, not to take them at all. The first and easiest to discount is the so called walk and turn, often colloquially referred to as “walking the line”. This one is often featured when someone is looking for stock footage of a drunk. Imagine walking in a straight line. This is easy enough, right? Now, you must walk 9 steps, an odd number, but still not particularly hard. Of course, these are not normal steps. You must touch your feet heel to toe as you step. Be careful, because your arms may not be used for balance. Also, your must piroette at the end of these steps and take 9 steps back. All of this is done on an imaginary line. Grading will begin before you even start. While the instructions are given, which can take minutes, you must stand with your feet heel to toe and you are not allowed to move your arms. If you slip up twice, you have failed. You should take 30 seconds to try this exercise out right now. How did you score? Each of these things are judged solely by a police officer, typically on the side of the road somewhere, and generally with his police lights flashing. Also, if you fail, you will be arrested. No pressure. To top it off, whether you do these tasks good enough is a subjective decision left up to the police officer and will never be reviewed (since police continue to resist badge cams). This test is often paired with the one leg stand.

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In DWI, An 80% Success... Is A Failure

by Kyle Hoelscher

This is not one you often see, but it is commonly used by police officers. Think of a crane stance, with one leg awkardly held out in front of you, instead of underneath. Go ahead, take the stance and see how long you can hold it. Well, if your freedom depends on it, there are a few more steps. First, you must stand, feet together, arms at your side. This is easy enough. Except that any swaying will now indicate that you are intoxicated (oddly, it does not indicate that you are actually keeping your balance). Next, hold one leg up in the air, about 6 inches off the ground. This shouldn’t be too hard, you might think. Now, hold this for 30 full seconds. Do not look at anything but your foot. Do not move your arms, do not adjust either foot. If you raise your arms to balance, you are drunk. If you stop before getting to 30 seconds, you are drunk. You better have been practicing your yoga positions, because if there is one failure, you will be going to jail tonight. No pressure. The reasons you should not do these tests are obvious. How many sober people can complete these tests without a slip up? Also, there is another fundamental problem. The standard for intoxication is loss of the normal use of your mental or physical faculties. How many readers out there typically do exercises like these? They are merely agility tests. It actually has the hidden purpose of simply making you look silly when there is a video. “Why is that guy doing that, he must be drunk!” the jury will say. Additionally, it gives police something to copy and paste into their police report and arbitrarily create probable cause for your DWI arrest. If you refuse them, you do not give them these extra reasons to arrest you. The 3rd main test is called Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus (HGN) test. This one is reputed by officers as being extremely accurate for detection of alcohol. This one is where they hold up a pen and make you follow it with your eyes. As your eye tracks the pen, in theory your eye should smoothly follow the pen. If you are drunk, then your eyes will jump a little as they follow the pen. Nice theory, but unfortunately it doesn’t hold up. Caffeine, sleep deprivation, the flu, inner ear infections, hypertension, sunstroke, various mental disorders, or simple changes in atmospheric pressure have all been shown to cause the same results in an HGN test. That is not even an exhuastive list. Police have hyped themselves up so much on the validity of the HGN test, that they have invented another one in which they test

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the vertical nystagmus. It is often performed after the HGN is performed. The problem? It doesn’t exist as a valid test. Its simply made up. It has zero correlation or detection ability in regards to alcohol, yet, it is used all the time. In general though, they all lack scientific correlation to intoxication. The National Highway Transportation Safety Administration (NHTSA) is the government organization that invented these. They even produce a manual on how to do them correctly. They were invented in the 70’s, without the assistance of scientists. NHTSA merely took a number of intoxication tests being used across the country by police officers and began seeing which ones worked. You will still hear about some of the ones they rejected (in the 70’s!), such as saying the alphabet backwards or the finger to nose exercise. These were thrown out NHTSA because they were simply invalid. Remember that in the 70’s, you could have a BAC of .10 before you were considered intoxicated, so that low bar is how these tests were originally examined. In the absolute best circumstances in the laboratory, the NHG had a 77% success rate, the walk and turn had a 68% success rate, and the one leg stand had a 65% success rate. A success was when an officer correctly identified someone with a blood alcohol of .10. Additionally, police simply performed the tests wrong 32 percent of the time. NHTSA ultimately proclaimed the tests should be used because after police officers were trained in these field sobriety tests, officers made more DWI arrests. To them, more arrests means a valid test. There is a volume of information out there about the dangerous inaccuracy of these tests. You can do simple google searches and discover that the only websites that support field sobriety testing are police or prosecution websites. This sort of scientific inaccuracy is only a problem because these tests are determining a person’s future. They are being used to determine who is a criminal and who is not. And if over a quarter of the arrested persons are not criminals, then we have a serious problem with law enforcement. So, if you are ever put in a situation where a police officer is asking (forcing) you to do these tests, remain calm. Remember that you still have rights. Politely refuse the tests and refuse to comply with the officer on any follow up questions from that point. If you do what he says, you are only making his arrest that much easier to justify, no matter how well you perform. V

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Vent daily apr 2014  

Vent daily apr 2014

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