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Wake Up & Read Between The Lines It looks like I will finally be getting that break I am always salivating over. A stretch of time away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Magazine Publishing… Time to pretend to read a few books I’ve been meaning to get to, and time to do some real writing, the kind no one will ever read. I will still act as head writer and creative director of the

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by William Henneberger

Vent, but it is time to pass the torch of editor to another. Like an STD passed from the toilet seat at the Executive Surf Club to an unsuspecting patron. Like a familial curse passed to a precious newborn baby through the bloodline of a woman who once looked cross-eyed at a grumpy gypsy. So, shall I pass along the position of editor to a new soul, while my life force is replenished. But worry not Corpus Christinos, I leave you in the cold but capable, the callus yet clever hands of our old friend Scabby. That is right Vent readers; Scabby day has finally come. All over her face is the look of a deserving writer who has paid her dues. Of course, at first, I wondered if she has it in her, but I’m sure my doubts will The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an soon disappear. I hope organization devoted to the enrichment of Corpus Christi that if the need arises, through Comedy. Send all comments and letters to: all of our writers will ventnation@yahoo.com feel comfortable asking The Vent Magazine 361-549-6213 Scabby for a hand. Job Publisher/Creative Director: one, for our new editor, William Henneberger Contributing Writers: will be to handle all client William Henneberger relations. Something she Kat McCloud Kyle Hoelscher has decades of experience Zombie Art by Russell Tippit with. The Vent Disclaimer: You will be pleased The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers to know, she is finding it under 18 years of age. The Vent easy to take all this in. Her uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when mouth will now be the public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is one calling all the shots. accidental and coincidental. To her face, is where The Any statements made expressed or implied in the Vent are solely Vent staff will now look those of columnist and do not for strength. represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept If there are any disputes responsibility for such statements. All characters, products, and in the office don’t point photos published are trademark a finger. Your new editor, and copyright of their respective owners. Scabby has the last word.

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‘Hate To See You Arrive, But I Love To Watch You Come”

a letter from Scabby, the Vent’s New Editor First and foremost let me say, “FINALLY!” I am finally free to express my voice in a manner that escapes the crude and disgusting imagery I have, until now, been forced to write. You can consider the profane play on words in the title of this article as my last wicked double-entendre. No more call backs to my days as a lady of the night. From now on you can expect only the loveliest prose and if you’re lucky a verse of poetry now and again. After years of being u n d e r … I mean, working as a subordinate for Will Vent, it is now my time to shine. I can stretch myself…, um I mean, I’m free to reach in to the deepest parts of my… NO. A new day has arrived and now the artist that is inside me… Wait… the artist… My true artistic self can be revealed. It’s so hard, DAMMIT! I mean, it hasn’t been easy to hide what I have inside me… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. It hasn’t been easy to play the role I twitter.com/theventnation

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have always played. Even a true poet like myself must sometimes sacrifice when it comes to her art. Patience truly is a virtue, much like being able to deep-throat a nine inch c… AHHHHH!. Okay, so… obviously it is going to take a little bit of time to get off, I mean, out of my former habits. I hope you will bear with me on this journey, as I shed the old scabs to find what I have underneath. In this issue, enjoy the national satire of our good friend C i t i z e n Schwartz. I look forward to a pleasurable experience over the next 6-12 months. The great Will Vent will be back to writing for next issue, and ultimately, when he graduates iPhone rehab he will be back at the helm, but until then you can plan on seeing The Vent on time from now on and you can plan on seeing a lot more of my face around here. So get used to it. Seriously, I know it takes some getting used to. Love, Scabby facebook.com/TheVentNation


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National News Stories courtesy of: For stories like these visit www.citizenschwartz.com & follow Citizen Schwartz on Twitter and at www.facebook.com/citizenschwartz

Prominent Gastroenterologist Worried Scalia May Be “Dangerously Full Of Sh*T” WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary. Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging his detractors and brushing off

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their complaints with a sharply worded barb and self-satisfied chuckle. One medical expert, however, has a message for the Justice that appears to be no laughing matter. “I’m more than concerned; I’m deeply worried,” Dr. Benjamin D. Leadbetter told Piers Morgan on CNN Thursday night, “Quite simply

the Justice’s recent writings and pronouncements from the bench clearly indicate that he that he is dangerously and alarmingly full of sh*t.” Dr. Leadbetter, the current President of the Association of American Gastroenterologists, insisted he was speaking neither colloquially nor without due consideration. “This is a medical matter of tremendous moment. Bowel obstructions, Intestinal Volvulus, Paralytic Ileus and other conditions that result in being perilously full of sh*t are not to be taken lightly. I would not have come forward at this time if the evidence weren’t so compelling and the implications so distressing. Simply put, I felt I had to try to reach out to the Justice before it was too late.” Indeed, Leadbetter indicated that he had been concerned about Scalia for many years but had refrained for public comment, assuming that the Justice must be under the care of competent physicians who would take care of the problem. “Look, anyone who claims to be an ‘Originalist’ in reading the constitution has got to be red-flagged as a possible bowel obstruction

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case,” the Doctor stated. “You simply can’t pretend to interpret a document like the constitution based upon such an inflexible and simplistic philosophy without being just a little bit full of sh*t, medically speaking.” “However, that level of BFS (or Being Full of Sh*t) symptomatology certainly wasn’t sufficient to merit intervention on my part.” Asked what turned the tide and convinced the Doctor to publicly reach out to the Justice with his concerns, Leadbetter pointed to recent statements Scalia has made from the bench in combination with his vote to invalidate section four of the Voting Rights Act and his vituperative dissent in US v. Windsor (the case in which a majority of the court found DOMA unconstitutional). “I think things really started to turn a corner for me during oral argument on the Voting Rights Act when Scalia announced that the court might have step in and overturn the law because it constituted a ‘racial entitlement’ with which Congress and ‘the normal political process’ were incompetent to deal. I mean, here’s Antonin ‘Judicial Restraint’ Scalia proclaiming a novel theory concerning a whole

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National News Stories courtesy of: For stories like these visit www.citizenschwartz.com & follow Citizen Schwartz on Twitter and at www.facebook.com/citizenschwartz

newly designated class of laws that demand judicial intervention simply because he’s decided they are just too tricky for elected representatives!” “And keep in mind,” the Doctor continued, “he’s an ‘Originalist,’ … So surely he pointed to a specific Constitutional clause or amendment that was specifically adopted in order to grant the courts such extraordinary powers to overturn laws in this area, right? Right?!” “Of course he did not. Because he is incredibly, dangerously and almost inconceivably full of shi*t. I honestly do not know how the man is still walking around.” At this point in the interview, a pensive and grave Piers Morgan pointed out to the Doctor that it had been many months since the Justice made the ‘racial entitlements’ com-

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ment from the bench. “Why the wait?” he inquired. Leadbetter responded that, though he had been deeply concerned at the time of the statements, he still wasn’t certain that it was time to take the extraordinary step of speaking out in a professional capacity, particularly given his position as the President of the Association of American Gastroenterologists. “Again, I had to assume that Scalia had physicians of his own and any position I take in public reflects upon the AAG as a whole. You have to understand, Gastroenterologists in general are a cautious breed, and I would never speak out in such a public forum without first addressing my concerns to the association’s board and having a vote on the matter.” The Doctor was finally per-

suaded to do just that when he read the Justice’s dissent in the DOMA case after learning that Scalia did, indeed, vote to invalidate the Voting Rights Act. “Trust me, at that point my differential diagnosis was complete. I’d say it was textbook presentation of acute BFS, but Scalia’s symptoms suggest a level of Being Full of Sh*t that goes far, far beyond any textbook case I’ve ever seen.” “So, feeling I had no choice at that point, I called an emergency board meeting and presented my case. I discussed my diagnosis generally and, in specific, Scalia’s stand on the Voting Rights Act and DOMA. I then read aloud the passages from the Windsor dissent in which the Justice accused the majority of a ‘jaw-dropping … assertion of judicial supremacy over the people’s Representatives’ as the Court simply has ‘no power under the Constitution to invalidate … democratically adopted legislation.’” Apparently that reading did the trick. “Frankly, I’ve never seen so many physicians agree on a differential diagnosis in my life. It was unanimous: Totally, Utterly, Acutely and Unquestionably Full of Sh*t. Furthermore, everyone in the room was in full agreement that Scalia

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must be told he is obviously and dangerously Full of Sh*t as soon and as often as possible.” “So, here I am, reaching out to Justice Scalia on CNN. I only hope he hears this warning and takes it to heart.” In closing the interview, Morgan and Leadbetter discussed the outlook for Justice Scalia given the consensus judgement of the Gastroenterological community. The Doctor explained that numerous treatment alternatives were possible and the prognosis was likely good, though he could not say for sure whether the Justice’s BFS was causing his bizarre judicial hypocrisy or rather his bizarre judicial antics were somehow resulting in a heretofore unknown variant of Intestinal Volvulus or Paralytic Ileus. “In any event, and regardless of causation,” the Doctor concluded, “a person as Full of Sh*t as Antonin Scalia should almost certainly be in a hospital. Or at the very least in a low-stress environment where he can be monitored and begin to get proper care.” “I don’t know what his current doctors are thinking, but if you ask me for my medical opinion, I’d tell you this: the last place on Earth that I would hope to find a person that Full of Sh*t is sitting on the Supreme Court of the United States.”

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National News Stories courtesy of: For stories like these visit www.citizenschwartz.com & follow Citizen Schwartz on Twitter and at www.facebook.com/citizenschwartz

Texas Doctors Find Catch 22 – Now Providing Abortions Under Protection Of State Stand Your Ground Law AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Con- a child so long as you holler servative lawmakers in Texas ‘I’m in fear for my life’ . . . ? were flummoxed today as abor- Well, several of us got an idea tion clinics throughout the Lone and contacted our attorneys to Star State reopened their doors, discuss it.” claiming to operate under the Not all of the lawyers complete protection of the contacted were immediately restate’s broad and controversial ceptive to the Doctor’s idea. But Stand Your Ground Law. most eventually came around to “Just so you under- the physicians’ point of view. stand,” Dr. Bradford Jenkins “To be honest, my first cautioned reporters at a press reaction was: these doctors are conference early Tuesday morn- mad … this notion is utterly ing, “it is not the opinion of any f*cking crazy,” stated Bernie S. physician involved that there’s Truman — lead attorney for the a child at issue in an early-term Lone Star State Alliance of Copregnancy termination. Medi- ordinated Physicians. “But then cally, that’s absurd … we’re I realized that’s precisely why just talking about a clusters of the idea is such a perfect stratcells.” egy for the state of Texas.” “However, Texas Doc“In essence,” the lawyer tors have to continued, Practitioners Pit Broad “as I read operate within the legal state law af“Self-Defense” Law f r a m e w o r k Against Recent Abortion ter Zimmergiven to us man (which Bans By Yelling “I’m in by the Texas applied legislature … Fear For My Life” During Florida legand much of islation alProcedures the law commost idening out of Austin seems to be tical to the provisions we have predicated on the notion that a here in Texas) — all you need blastocyst is a child.” to do is assert strongly that you “So, when we learned feel threatened while holding a this weekend that in states with gun and you can do pretty much a Stand Your Ground law, it’s whatever your heart desires — actually completely legal to kill including, amongst other things,

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killing an innocent child. That being the case, I thought, ‘why not give it a whirl?’” W i t h this in mind, Truman developed the protocol now in use by doctors throughout the state. The regime’s guidelines recommend that physicians, nurses, and pharmacists alike “clearly and loudly indicate that they are in fear of great bodily harm from the fertilized egg or embryonic cell mass” while terminating a pregnancy or providing a patient or customer with the morning after pill or even hormonal birth control. “Better safe than sorry, I always say,” Truman stated with a shoulder-shrug before adding, “Of course, I’m also telling all members of the association to carry a firearm with them at all times in order to guarantee that Stand Your ground and other rights and protections apply to them around the clock and without fail. Honestly, you’d be surprised at how many privileges of citizenship in Texas attach

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only to those packing heat.” Governor Rick Perry, for his part, has indicated that the doctors’ new coordinated strategy has caused him a great deal of introspection. “Frankly, I’m not so sure I’m still 100% against abortion,” the staunch gun rights advocate admitted, “ I mean, any gun carrying citizen clearly has the right to stand their ground and kill a child if they feel like its necessary at any point. I believe that with all of my heart. I also believe passionately that a child exists in the womb from the moment of conception. So maybe the doctors here are really onto something … Anyway, I figure I really ought to give this one a long sit-and-think before issuing an official statement.” “I don’t mind admitting to you, however, that I’m right confused on the matter just at the moment.” facebook.com/TheVentNation


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Scut Farkus Not Guilty In Shooting Death Of Little Ralphie Parker Under Indiana Stand Your Ground Law Evidence Suggests Ralphie Was Straddling, Striking Defendant When Farkus Shot Out Boy’s Eye, Brains HOHMAN, Ind. – Scut Farkus, the so-called “yellow-eyed bully” accused of murdering Ralphie Parker, was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter Thursday afternoon. The verdict marks the end of a legal saga which had gripped the country since last December when the tragedy was first reported in the national press, and televisions across the nation were filled with little else but the story of little Ralphie Parker throughout the holiday season. At the time of those initial reports, the incident was widely thought to be a clear cut murder case — a fight provoked by a bully which ended in the tragic, inexplicable shooting death of his victim, Ralphie Parker, a boy who was just trying to walk home. As the prosecution put it: “Farkus had been following Ralphie all over town, making him feel unwel-

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come and uneasy in his own neighborhood; all Ralphie wanted to do was get to get to his house unmolested.” Further supporting the impression that Farkus provoked an altercation with Ralphie was the widely reported fact that the older boy had been asked to break off his pursuit of young Parker. “Let’s make no mistake here,” the Prosecutor told the Jury in his closing argument, “the authorities — both teachers and parents — had sternly told Scut Farkus he should not continue to follow Ralphie around like this. Scut Farkus did anyway. That’s what started this tragic fight which ended in the unnecessary death of a young boy.” Farkus’ Defense team, however, was quick to point out that there was no evidence that Farkus had ever physically assaulted Ralphie beyond the rather innocuous act of having his

toadie, Grover Dill, throw a snow ball at him once or twice. Greatly bolstering the defense case was the testimony of multiple eyewitnesses indicating that Farkus did not throw the first punch. Rather, witnesses stated, it was Ralphie who charged Farkus, throwing him to the ground, straddling his prone body and beating him about the head and shoulders while Farkus cried out for help. “Honestly, I feel bad saying this cause Ralphie was my best friend,” Flick Green testified, “but it was like he snapped. I know him real well and, like, the look in his eyes … it was so intense … it was almost as if I could hear his internal monologue … and it was like he was saying stuff about a ‘red hot flame’ in his brain and his ‘fuse blowing’ and that … like … he was ‘totally out of his skull.’”

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“And then he just launched himself at Scut and started wailing on him. You should have heard the words he said while he was hitting him! Just wow! I had never heard words like that … ” At this point in his testimony, Flick trailed off, and the court fell silent. Clearly fighting off emotion, the boy then took a sip of water and wiped welling tears from his eyes. “Anyway,” he concluded, “that was when Scut pulled out the gun and shot Ralphie dead. Just bam. Dead. He was gone. So, you know, that was a lot worse. You know. Than the cursing.” The defense team, it should be noted, never minimized the loss to the family, stating that the entire event was an “enormous tragedy.” Still, the verdict came as the second big win in as many weeks for the Defense team of Don West and Mark O’Mara, who flew to Indiana to represent Farkus at the conclusion of the trial of George Zimmerman.

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“To be honest we wouldn’t normally take another murder trial so soon after a big case like that,” stated Don West, “however, the facts here were nearly identical to those presented in George’s case so we were totally confident we could take it on. The only real difference here is that there is an embarrassment of evidence that Ralphie was the physical aggressor and that he was on top of Scut when — obviously in fear of great bodily harm — he pulled his gun.” “I mean, in George’s case we had vague witness accounts and a few of George’s friends saying it was his voice crying out for help on those 911 tapes. Here we have eye witnesses and actual video.” Pressed on the issue of whether or not the cases were truly identical in all other regards, Farkus’ other attorney Mark O’Mara admitted there was another major — but non-substantive — difference: “Well, this was a little white boy who died. But obviously, that can’t and would never change the outcome. I wouldn’t want to live in a world where it was okay to shoot a black kid dead if you got in a fight with him but it wasn’t okay to shoot a white one. Would you?”

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One notable media outlet has surprised many by seeming to be in full agreement with the defense in this case. Almost every Fox News personality has expressed with remarkable intensity that Ralphie Parker’s killer must go free; any other verdict, they suggest, would undermine the credibility of the courts and make a mockery of the notion that criminal justice in the United States is dispensed without regard to race. “We believe in Stand Your Ground here at Fox News,” Bill O’Reilly told listeners on Tuesday night, “And you can’t look at that footage of Ralphie Parker and think ‘oh: people get in fights, especially kids.’” “This kid was a punk … and I will not tolerate any of this nonsense about this just being some sort of ‘coming of age’ moment for a child standing up to a bully! What happened that day could have been avoided. But not by Scut Farkus or Grover Dill.” O’Reilly then turned to discussing what he sees as the growing problems with white, middle-class values and how they have created a culture of violence that threatens the very fabric of America.

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Sharing the Stage with Foreigner: Coming To Corpus Christi October Article by: Kristen Bily

Marketing & Media Relations Manager for SMG American Bank Center

Foreigner will be performing at the American Bank Center Selena Auditorium on October 27 and they are inviting all fans but they will also be inviting fans to share the stage with them that night. Since their start in the late 1970’s, Foreigner has become globally known as one of the most iconic rock bands, and they continue to garner fans today. After achieving great success and several hits from their debut album, their sophomore album “4” led them to the number one spot on the Billboard Charts. They continued in their success with future albums but in 2002, the original members of Foreigner ended their run. After much support from fans, Mick Jones continued the Foreigner legacy

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by adding new members that honored the iconic sound while also reaching out to a younger audience. Today, Foreigner continues to reach new audiences, with tracks appearing in movies like Rock of Ages, Magic Mike, and Pitch Perfect. Their music not only continues to stay popular with those who grew up with the original Foreigner sound, but over the years their music has become part of pop culture. Their number one worldwide hit, “I want to Know What Love is” has been a favorite for all generations and has been a song that is still played today after being covered by great artists like Mariah Carey. For their upcoming show, Foreigner is inviting local high school choirs to a friendly competition that will have the winners singing on stage for that iconic song while also giving to a good cause. Foreigner has been sharing the stage with young talented singers, for the past three years and it has proven to

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be a fantastic way to showcase gifted youths while also providing a community service. Foreigner is now bringing this contest right here to Corpus Christi. They are asking choirs to sign up and compete to win the grand prize of performing on stage with the band the night of the show. The winning choir will also volunteer to help sell CD’s that night and a portion of the money raised from the sales will go to the Grammy Foundation. The Grammy Foundation works together with the recording academy to bring awareness to the impact of music education and Foreigner has stayed a strong supporter of this great organization. For any more information regarding this great opportunity, contact Eric Jaramillo, Marketing Director at the American Bank Center 361-826-4754 Tickets are on sale now. Available at the American Bank Center box office Mon-Fri 10am-6pm, Ticketmaster. com, H-E-B Ticketmaster outlets, or charge by phone at 1-800-765-3000. For more information call 361-826-4700. Follow us online at www. americanbankcenter.com , facebook.com/ AmericanBankCenter, Twitter.com/@ AmericanBankCtr, and Instagram/@ AmericanBankCenter.

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The Vent Aug 2013  

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