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The Vent Disclaimer: The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Any statements made, expressed or implied in The Vent are solely those of columnists and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters products, & photos published in The Vent are trademark and Š of their respective owners. The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to enriching Corpus Christi through Print, Television, Film, Comedy and Music. Send all comments, and letters to: The Vent: 361-549-6213

Editor in Chief / Creative Director: William Henneberger

Managing Editor: Michael Henneberger

Contributing Writers: William Henneberger Michael Henneberger Stella Starr M.A. Farmer Berto Garcia


Zombie Art by: Russell Tippit

WakeAfterUp & Check This Out going through all the necessary channels, and

seeking permission from the right people, even after being rejected once, due to an uppity secretary, The Vent magazine was finally able to obtain the authorization to place the Vent in the Corpus Christi Public Library locations. All this… only to be taken down two months later. Without so much as a call, the menopausal collective that is the CC Public Library staff took down our stands, after discovering a loophole that may possibly allow them to keep the Vent out of the hands of their patrons. “We are considering The Vent a donation to the library,” I’m told by Laura Garcia, the Public Relations something or other. “The Selection Committee will have to approve it.” First of all, there is, and have been several local publications distributed through the libraries over the past few years. Why only now is the policy different? The truth of the matter is that there are a few library worker who do not like the magazine, and are looking for a way to legitimately remove it from what most people believe should be a literary sanctuary. Hopefully, the committee will have an answer soon, however if you would like to do your part, start dialing. The main branch number is 361-880-7000. Take a minute, fight through the film of apathy that covers us all and let them know that you would like for them to carry the Vent.

William Henneberger Library Card# 2 3185 00447 7826


Letters to the Editor:

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An Open Letter to the Corpus Christi Pubic Library Materials Selection Committee, I would like to take this time to supply your committee with some information about The Vent magazine. Specifically, information that may be vital in determining if our magazine meets ‘at least some’ of the criteria in Sections D. & F. of the Materials Selection Guidelines we were provided. In regards to the specific criteria in section D. of the Materials Selection Guidelines, we submit that The Vent magazine qualifies under numbers; 1,2,3,4,7,8,10,11,12,13,14, 15,18, for the following reasons: Sec D. #1: The Vent maintains its ‘relevance to community interests both present and potential’ by giving readers a more detailed entertainment calendar than any other local publication. Aside from the event calendar, our writers also showcase local events with articles and interviews. Sec D. #2: The Vent, as written in our disclaimer is for readers 18 years of age and up, demonstrates a ‘suitability of subject and style for intended audience’ in that the cultural references in the magazine articles are designed to appeal to an adult audience. Sec D. #3: Aside from local coverage; The Vent also provides comedy, culture and commentary on ‘contemporary significant’ national news and world events. Sec D. #4: The Vent has grown over the past three years in Corpus Christi and because of its ‘readability’ it has easily gained ‘popular appeal’ amongst all local adult demographics. Sec D. #7: The Vent is a free publication for library patrons. The Vent will provide, twice a month, an appropriate amount of magazine copies for distribution in order to be considered ‘physically suitable for library use’. Sec D. #8: The Vent is the only publication of its kind produced in Texas, and works with the best comedians and writers in Corpus Christi in order to maintain ‘artistic excellence’. Sec D. #10: William Henneberger, the Co-Publisher/Creative Director, and writer for the Vent, worked for years as a news writer and producer for one of the top three local television news outlets in Corpus Christi, which more than qualifies him as a ‘professionally significant author’ in this area.


Sec D. #11: The Vent is (self) published locally and has garnered praise from other local periodicals including We The People, CC Magazine, as well as the KEYS Weekend Magazine. Sec D. #12: ‘Critics’ and the ‘media’ have discussed the Vent on multiple occasions. Local radio personality Eric von Wade has showcased The Vent on his program, and KIII News Anchor has mentioned The Vent several times on the news. This is aside from the numerous positive comments received by the public. Sec D. #13: None of the few local publications in or around Corpus Christi offer a comedic perspective on local events/news. The quality and style of the writing found in the Vent magazine is nonexistent in any other local tabloid publication. Sec D. #14: The creative minds behind the Vent magazine are some of the best writers in Corpus Christi. They come from different educational, political and economic backgrounds, which makes for various opinions on all subjects. Sec D. #15: The Vent is both ‘locally produced and locally authored’. Sec D. #18: The Vent can be delivered at no cost to the libraries, and The Vent does not hold the libraries responsible for loss or damages of distribution materials such as magazine racks provided by The Vent. In section I. regarding periodicals, your guidelines allow for publications that are of ‘regional interest’. The Vent consistently covers local news, regional events and area citizens; be it through satire, comedy and/or editorials. The Vent thanks you for your consideration, and hope you feel free to contact the publisher with any further questions. Once again, William Henneberger Pubic Library Card# 2 3185 00447 7826

What-A-Burger Downgrades From ‘Fancy’ To Regular Ketchup In an effort to cut cost, the San Antonio based Fast Food Company has decided to discontinue distribution of

‘Fancy Ketchup’ in all 700 of their restaurants. A press release sent from the company on Monday stated that ‘by switching to ‘regular’ ketchup the Whataburger Corporation will save over $48.00 per year, and with the economy in its current state Whataburger is looking at several more ways to cut back spending and increase revenue.’ Already some costumers are showing concern over the drastic change. In Whataburger restaurants all over Corpus Christi, patrons are stock-

ing up and even hording the last of the ‘fancy’ ketchup packets. “This is a terrible commentary on the condition of things”, says Joann Summers, Professor of Economics at Del Mar College, and Assistant Manager at Whataburger store #334. “I knew things were bad when I had to get a second job, but now I’m really scared.” Countless customers have complained to managers, wondering why they have been paying extra for cheese all these years, if it only leads to cut backs. Long-time voice-over actor and Whataburger spokesman described

By William Henneberger the changes saying, “When you think about it, it’s sorta like when your eight years young, and you come home tuckered out from a long day at school, and the good ole sheriff is at your house, and tells ya, ‘Son, your daddy done killed your mama this time’, nobody wants to be that kid. Instead, head on over to the nearest Whataburger, and drown your worries away in an ice-cold fountain drink. If that doesn’t work, then order up a pair of fresh, hot apple pies, and stuff em down your good ole fashion g*ddamn fat face. Cause if Whataburger can’t afford to provide us with that fancy ketchup, well then, I say it’s just about time for me to have a good ole fashioned helping of buckshot, served fresh from the barrel of my Remington 12-gauge. Whataburger, just like you [gun shot]” A new spokesman for the company says that the Famous Mustard will also be substituted with a lesserknown mustard, and that more cut backs are sure to come. V

History To Be Made with 1st White Friday

On November 27th, 2009, history will be made as the first ever ‘White Friday’ takes its position. Millions of U.S. citizens will take to the streets before the sun rises, in order to be a part of this momentous occasion. “This is a day, I never thought I would see,” declared, Kenneth Wordsworth, “Of course, I have nothing against ‘Black Friday’, it’s just good to finally have a change.” Experts say that with this new ‘White Friday’, people can expect more organized lines, little to no trampling, and an overall politeness never seen during a ‘Black Friday’. They are

also predicting ‘White Friday’ consumer spending to be upwards of 250 million dollars, up from last year’s ‘Black Friday’ spending $3,247.00. “What you’re gonna see”, says Dave Larry, financial reporter for the Caller Times and racist, “is a lot more spending on higher end electronics, game systems, etc. Not like the last few ‘Black Fridays’ where consumers purchased mostly stocking stuffers. Some proponents of ‘Black Friday’ have already demonstrated their anger toward the new ‘White Friday’, and even threatened to institute a ‘Black Panther Friday’ on everyone’s a$$es. V 5

Hanging Out (and hungover) with Tyson Ritter From By Michael Henneberger All American Rejects It’s November 10th, and last night at midnight I turned 27 years old. The only reason I’m awake right now is because any minute now Tyson Ritter, singer of The All American Rejects, will be calling for an interview. Last night is a blur of karaoke, jager and patron shots, and military dudes in sunglasses. This interview may be the last thing I do, because I’m convinced I’m dying. The only questions I can think of asking a touring rock star right now are in regards to beating this hangover (sidebar). Who better to ask? The Vent and The All American Rejects go way back. When we started our TV show, The Vent TV (2003, I think), they were one of my first interviews. It was during their first national tour, with The Riddlin’ Kids and Homegrown, in a small club in Austin. A few months later, “Swing Swing” was getting MTV airplay. You’re welcome, All American Rejects. The phone rings. It’s Tyson. It’s a few hours after noon, and he’s also just waking up after a night off on their first week

on tour with Taking Back Sunday and Anberlin—the show that will be rocking Concrete Street Amphitheater on December 1st. “We had a little skate sesh [last night], and then went to all these different bars with different draft beer,” he says. Ugh, don’t mention the beer. “It’s our sixth date, and it’s like the best tour of my life.” That’s a surprise coming from a band that just got off of one of the biggest tours of the summer opening for Blink 182. “Better than the Blink tour?” I ask. “Oh yeah,” he replies, “… way better than the Blink tour. When we play these 2-3000 seaters, you can actually touch everyone. It feels like a tour that’s already happened. It’s like that serendipitous, you know?” As someone who has been listening to all three of these bands since their first albums (and Anberlin before they were called Anberlin), I have to agree with Tyson when he says this tour is a “per-

vertedly cool idea.” What does “pervertedly cool” sound like? Feel like? According to Tyson, it’s the “aggressive crust” of Anberlin and Taking Back Sunday “with a creamy pop center.” “I feel like The Rejects are a rock and roll band that pops like a motherfucker.” He declares. “And, Taking Back is just a heavier rock band, and it’s like when these two are pushed together, it’s just a fun night.” If you’ve ever seen AAR live, you know they don’t hold back. They leave everything out on the stage, sometimes even their clothes. “I almost lost my leg on this Blink tour,” Tyson recalls. “I did a knee slide, on stage, in my underwear, and got staph infection. That shit can kill you.” Providing no limbs are lost between now and December 1st, Tyson guarantees “this is the show that people are gonna talk about.” V

Tell us your WORST REJECTION STORY and you could WIN 2 TICKETS & 2 PASSES TO MEET THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS & TAKING BACK SUNDAY, Dec. 1st at Concrete Street Amphitheater. With a few platinum records on his wall, even Tyson Ritter gets rejected every now and then. “I keep going to this fucking bar in L.A., and they keep fucking turning me away, and it’s killing me. I think my ex parties there. So I cant get in, and it’s classic. Last time I went there they asked “hey, are you on the list?” And,I said “yes, Abe Froman, the Sausage king of Chicago.” Email us or message us at or theventnation or theventnation. The winner will be notified on November 25th 2009.


Taking Time with Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday By Michael Henneberger

Two days pass, but the hangover doesn’t. I’m waiting for a call from Adam Lazzara—lead singer of one of my favorite bands, Taking Back Sunday. Seven years ago, I was one of the many people who picked up their first album, Tell All Your Friends, and didn’t just listen to it, but became immensely influenced by it. I had just stopped singing for my first band, and started singing for a new one. But, thanks to the perfect example of a frontman, Adam Lazzara, I wasn’t just singing anymore. I had learned how to perform. I had found Taking Back Sunday at the perfect time, and somehow, we matured at the same

pace. In the earlier years of my music journalism I had interviewed a couple of the guys form TBS, but never Adam. He calls from Latrobe, Pennsylvania. The last two nights, Taking Back Sunday co-headlined with The All-American Rejects in Foxboro, Massachusetts. It’s still only a little more than a week into the tour, so I ask Adam how things are going. “I think one thing that makes it really cool,” he says, “is that it’s three bands that are all linked by the common thread that is rock and roll, but each band has a different thing to offer to the show.” Like tourmates, The AllAmerican Rejects, Taking Back Sunday also supported Blink 182 on their big reunion tour this summer. How did they like it? “Touring with blink was

like a whole other beast in itself,” Adam recalls, “because you’re in these huge amphitheaters, and your playing a half hour set.” “How is this tour better?” I ask. “Well,” he replies, “we’re not in mega domes, which is nice. It’s just harder to get the crowd involved when they’re a football field away from you.” As a fan, I appreciate that. I’ve seen TBS at least three times, and I like to be right up front singing along with every word. And, as co-headliners, you can expect a lot more than 30 minutes from the band. “We try to give each record its due,” Adam states. Even though he has been quoted saying he has trouble listening to their seven-year-old debut, Tell All Your Friends, he says “its solely because I just can’t stand my voice. It’s nice playing those songs now, because now, with all the changes that have happened over the years it’s almost like a reinterpretation of it.” “Cut Me Up Jenny” is his favorite song off their new record,

Rockstar Hangover Remedies with Tyson and Adam To some, having a birthday on a Tuesday could be bad news. But to a bad alcoholic with a good imagination, like myself, it just means you don’t have to wait ‘til the weekend to celebrate. Normally, my job doesn’t require too much interaction with anyone – just mp3s and headphones. But, this birthday week— when the only present I received is either the longest hangover or the slowest death of all time—I interviewed two frontmen of two very successful rock bands. With a pounding 8

head, squinting eyes, and an upset stomach, I searched for salvation. After my night of Jager and Patron, or what Tyson Ritter referred to as “The Devil’s Syrup,” this was his advice: “This one time, I drank a bottle of tequila, of patron, at the end of a night of chardonnay…and the worst hang over in my fuckin life. I couldn’t stand up on my feet ‘til 6 pm. But, yeah, the best thing that I did for it… pancakes. Pancakes is the remedy.”

New Again. “It’s unlike any song that we’ve written before,” he says, “and not just in the way it moves, but the vocal approach is very loose, and for me that’s real fun it’s just a fun tune.” But you can also expect the old hits that you love. “Cute Without the E” is a classic, and according to Adam, a popular request. “We always play it,” he says. “But, we’ve worked with the dynamic in that song a lot so I think it moves a little better now than it did.” Whereas Tyson Ritter says The AllAmerican Reject’s set is “locked in,” Adam explains, “Something we started doing on this tour is each member of the band makes a different set list, and we’ll keep it for like three days and then the next guy will make it and nobody can contest it or change it, we’ll just go out there and see how it works.” With three gold records under their belt, that should work out pretty well.

Three days into my birthweek, Adam Lazzara kind of agreed: “The best hangover cure would have to be comfort food. Like the kind of comfort food you can get at waffle house—the greasier the better.”

Corpus Christi Entertainment Calendar

Fri. 11/13


Sat. 11/14

Sat. 11/21

Equal People (Formerly 7G) – Padre Island Berger Company Koffin Kats, Hell City Kings, Paul Sutherland – House of Rock LATESHOW Drastic Actions, Avenue Rockers – House of Rock Groove – Executive Surf Club Girls on Jetskis, Cavegirl – The Texan Flashback – Brewster Street Beg For Life, Antagonist, Walk The Graves, The Last I Saw, XL KIDS – Zeros Lyrical Bynge Band – Tsunami Bar & Grill Scarecrow People - Big Daddy’s

Toast – Padre Island Berger Company IH5 – Revolution Jon Steele Article Release Party! movie premiere Jazz The Glass & artshow w Christian Wach – House of Rock Sean McConnell – Executive Surf Club Which Ways Ocean – The Texan Metal Shop – Brewster Street Pasadena Napalm Division, Oklahomos,Texas Hate Machine, One Trick Cobra, S.U.S.& Final Notice – Zeros AMA Music Group 2009 Bluesfest – Harley Davidson Concert Grounds Shrimp Scampi and the Haunted Blues, Girls on Jetskis – Black Diamond Oyster Bar DJ C-Los & DJ CJ - Big Daddy’s

Sun 11/15

Solid Sunday – 4 Djs – Revolution Mongo Stereo – Dr. Rockits

Tues. 11/17

Acoustic Tuesdays w/ Clarissa Serna – Revolution DJ Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 11/18

DJ Mike Mo – Revolution Insane Clown Posse – Concrete Street Amphitheater Three Bad Jacks – The Texan

Thurs. 11/19

Latin Night w/ DJ Joey – Revolution Cory Morrow – Brewster Street Casting Crowns, Matt Redman – Concrete Street Amphitheater Days of Reckoning, Oblivion, Sick Sanctuary – The Texan Kyle Park – Executive Surf Club Carridale, This Years Fashion, A Wreckless Divine, See You From the Sky – House of Rock

DJ Mike Mo – Revolution Another Level – Brewster Street Live Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana Club Profile (open jam) – The Mug Room Cat House – The Texan Back in the Day – Executive Surf Club Jamfoot – Padre Island Burger Company Wind & Wave art show and movie premire (surfboard give away!) – House of Rock Pack of Wolves, Curse the Heavens, Stringer – House of Rock Flatbroke -Big Daddy’s Mongo Stereo – Out of Bounds

DJ Bobby Stump – Revolution Sing-Along Piano Bar – Brewster Street Live Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana Club Hilda Lamas – The Mug Room Johnny 5, The Typicals – The Texan Matt Hole and the Hot Rod Gang – Executive Surf Club Outlaw Nation, Flatbroke, Jiffy – House of Rock The Rogues (late show) – House of Rock DJ Jonny Hotcakcs -Big Daddy’s The Electrotypes – Cassidy’s Irish Pub

Sun. 11/22

Styx & REO Speedwagon – American Bank Center Darius Rucker – Selena Auditorium Phive – The Mug Room Songwriters Showcase hosted by Rev Fred (Hobo) featuring Monty Russell – House of Rock

Mon. 11/23

The Vent pres. Dine in & Dance, Sunday Night Scene, Friends for Hire, Lets Scare the Girls – House of Rock

Tues. 11/24

Acoustic Tuesdays w/ Clarissa Serna – Revolution DJ Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 11/25

College Night w/ DJ Mike Mo – Revolution Bleu Edmonson – Brewster Street Paul Sutherland, Sweet Daddy – House of Rock

Thurs. 11/26

Latin Night w/ DJ Joey – Revolution The Fill Inns – The Texan Outbreak, Soul Control , Golden Age , Darker Days - Zeros

Fri. 11/27

Rotel and the Hot Tomatoes – Brewster Street Bar Nutz – The Rose Night Club Live Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana Club

Killamora – The Texan Flashback – Executive Surf Club The Raspas – Padre Island Burger Company Voodoo Glow Skulls, The Toasters, Channel One – House of Rock Jiffy, Avenue Rockers (Late Show) – House of Rock Trisum -Big Daddy’s The Electrotypes – Out of Bounds

Sat. 11/28

Live Streaming DJs from Brazil, Spain, New York – Havana Club John Cortez Band – Brewster Street Eli Young Band, Charlie Robison, Bart Crow Band – Concrete Street Amphitheater Marshall Influence – The Texan Scarecrow People – Executive Surf Club Supergreen – Padre Island Burger Company DJ Dus -Big Daddy’s Makeshift Skateboard feat The Periwinkle Massacre, Dead Sky, Drastic Actions, Darker Days & MORE – House of Rock

Sun. 11/29

Songwriters in the Round w/ Rev. Fred – House of Rock

Mon. 11/30

Megadeth, Machine Head, Suicide Silence, Arcanium – Concrete Street Amphitheater

Tues. 12/01

The All-American Rejects, Taking Back Sunday, Anberlin - Concrete Street Amphitheater Open Mic w/ Rev. Fred – House of Rock

Wed. 12/02

Beer & Berto Show, Comedy Videos, Trivia, Stand-up w/ Berto – House of Rock Mongo Stereo – Dr. Rockits Send Listings to:


Living The Dream: Man's Game Cammo and I pick up the Logan brothers, Bruce Logan and Hobbes Logan (who aren’t actually brothers at all), from the Amtrak station and head over to the New Holland Brewery for some beers. We meet up with Holland native Shane Prins who will be joining us on this adventure. None of these guys has ever met each other until today. I am the catalystfriend who has brought them all together. I met Hobbes while working at his hotel in Omaha. I met Bruce (who I call Logan) while working at the happeningest bar in Odessa, TX about 6 years ago. Met Shane, through Cammo, about 2 hours ago. I’m certain they’ll slot right in with each other. After the bar we do some bumps and drive about an hour to Carlsson Manor, deep in the Michigan forest, and only ten minutes away from the Rothbury Music Festival gates. We are greeted with a welcomed surprise from Mr. Carlsson. In the refrigerator is a large paper sack clearly marked ‘James, Jr.’ The sack contains moonshine. Three bottles of it! This is top-quality moonshine filtered properly (heads and tails) that gives a great drunk without making you suffer. We will use the moonshine like a credit card over the next few days. Trade a sip for a sandwich, a glass for a gram, etc. Moonshine is the ultimate bartering chip at a festival. We set up our glasses on the large, steel-reinforced bar (which makes it perfect to dance on) that dominates the cabin we’re staying in. I pour the sips. I’m a firm believer that you never pour a ‘shot’ of moonshine. You pour ‘sips.’ Moonshine is a drinking drink. It tastes good. You shoot tequila, you shoot jagermeister…you sip moonshine. We each take a sip. “Whoo wee! That is some powerful and wonderful stuff!” My skin seems to fit better. Any toxin or virus or bacteria in my body that is not welcome…just died. I suddenly feel healthier than ever. My balls drop an additional 3 inches. “Let’s go visit Buddy!” I ask…not really a question, but I do need Cammo’s permission. “Oh, I don’t know…he’s probably asleep.” Cammo replies, but he’s already started walking in the right direction. “Who’s Buddy?” Logan knows me well enough to understand that something interesting is about to happen. Buddy is the 350 pound black bear

who lives in a very nice cottage (for a bear) on Carlsson Manor. Ok, ok cottage is a strong word…but it is more than a cage. Cammo’s dad inherited the animal from the Manor’s previous owner who had taught the bear one trick. “Whoa! Does he know any tricks?” Shane asks. Cammo and I look at each other knowingly. We’ve been waiting for someone to ask that question. Ten minutes later we’re riding to the nearest bar in one of the trucks that Cammo’s dad keeps on the property. Hobbes, Shane, Logan, and I are all crammed in the backseat. Cammo is in the passenger seat. Buddy is driving. “Are you fucking serious!! When you told me that this bear could drive a truck I thought you were shitting me. You have got to be shitting me!!” Shane is ecstatic. We all are, quite frankly. Buddy knows how to drive this truck from the driveway of Carlsson Manor to a bar about 2 miles up the road named Alibi’s. Then, provided that someone brings him a 1 pound block of cheese, he curls up in the truck bed and waits until he’s called upon to drive everyone home. He drives quite a bit slower than a person would…but I wasn’t about to argue with him. Buddy pulls into an unassuming parking spot in the corner of the lot, under a tree. He doesn’t know how to use the door handle, so Logan lets him out of the driver’s seat. Buddy immediately jumps into the bed of the truck, gives us a slight growl to remind us of our cheese responsibilities, and curls up. We mosey into the bar and are immediately met by the glaring disapproval of the biker gang who has taken up residence there for the evening. Cammo calmly asks the bartender for a pound of cheddar cheese (an Alibi’s specialty) while the rest of us settle into a table on the far side of the room. Three Crown and Diets later one of the smaller bikers decides he’s had enough and scuttles over to our table. He says something to Hobbes about wanting to dip his finger in his ear or some other terribly invasive and intimate orifice. Hobbes, of course, takes exception to this behavior and says as much. But before Hobbes can even complete his sentence, Cammo has reared back and thrown an aluminum napkin holder directly at the biker’s eye. It connects.

“We will use the moonshine like a credit card over the next few days.”


M.A. Farmer Very few people appreciate the moment of ‘no turning back’ as much as I do. It is at the moment of ‘no turning back’ when most people freeze up and that usually offers me around 3-7 seconds to make my move before everyone else catches up. The napkin holder to the face is a perfect example. It’s just such a shock that the reptilian part of the human brain requires a few extra seconds before the fightor-flight response kicks in. I take the opportunity to accomplish 3 things: I kick the biker just above his knee to hyperextend it, I jump out of my chair, and I bite the man’s ear off. My guys have already begun flinging chairs to slow the arrival of the remainder of the biker gang. Ugh! I take something blunt and heavy to the back of my neck. Did someone hit me with a cast? Or a statue? I really don’t want to find out. If this fight lasts more than ten seconds…we’re going to die. We’ve all gotten in some good hits and now it’s time to make our escape. “Time to go, time to go!” screams Cammo and we start fighting our way to the door. We finally make it to the parking lot where it becomes apparent that we are now losing this tussle. Let me rephrase that…we are now getting our asses handed to us and I’m going to start shitting on myself in the next 9 seconds. The worst thing that can happen to you in a parking-lot fight is falling to the ground. Unfortunately, this is exactly the position I find myself in at the moment. I’m being tossed around on the asphalt by two large, leathery men who are formulating a plan which includes tying me to the bumper of a motorcycle and dragging my ‘faggoty ass’ around for awhile. None of this plan seems very appealing to me. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that, of my group, only Logan is still standing but the five guys encircling him lead me to believe that he won’t last much longer, either. I consider the life I’ve led and decide that I am content. I close my eyes, try to relax, and accept whatever horrible death I am to be dealt… Suddenly, like an angel from hell, Buddy runs crashing into the fray with an earth-shattering roar and a swipe to a biker’s head. Jesus! An angry bear possesses a level of violence that is life-changingly terrifying. Oh! I never thought I’d be so happy to see that ugly motherfucker! He’s a fucking badass and he does not mind proving it. Goddammit

“Very few people appreciate the moment of ‘no turning back’ as much as I do.”

Hippy...with money

Buddy! I would hug you right now if I weren’t certain you’d eat my face off. Everyone scatters. Buddy is roaring and standing at his full height and swatting at anyone who comes too close to him. He catches one biker and starts jumping up and down on him with his full weight. There’s no way this biker could have imagined this happening to him as he went about his day. Buddy eventually gets bored of using this guy as a trampoline and charges at another group of bikers. I wonder what could possibly be going through the minds of the bikers. Did they know the bear was with us, did they think that Shane was the beastmaster, or what? Whatever it is, they decide to beat a hasty retreat back into the bar, leaving us outside with bruises, an angry bear…and their bikes. It really is amazing how far 5 guys can throw a motorcycle if everyone is working as a team, has sufficient motivation, and a truck-driving bear running security. It takes Cammo about a half hour to calm Buddy back down. The bear refuses to drive, though, so he crawls into the truck bed and begins gnawing on his block of cheese again. I believe its Logan who drives us back to Carlsson Manor. We’re all too wired to go to sleep immediately, so we sit around the bar, sip moonshine, and tell each other our individual perspective of the fight. Guys always do this, the stories never quite line up with one another…at least not for the first 2 years the story is being related…but this is where the bonding happens. We decide that it was all because of the moonshine we:

“I would hug you right now if I weren’t certain you’d eat my face off.”

A.) Left Carlsson Manor to begin with B.) Thought it a good idea to designate a fuck BEAR to drive us to the bar C.) Did not immediately turn around when we saw the row of bikes in the parking lot D.) Jumped right into a fight with a fuck BIKER GANG E.) Survived the fight….thanks to a BEAR F.) Have the greatest story most of us will ever live through We take four or five more sips before plowing off into a deeply satisfying slumber. This moonshine is a man’s game. V

Excerpts from the book 'The Weak Become Heroes'


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