xxx A Letter From Ed xxx
Dear Freaks & Geeks,
First and foremost, I’d like to say thank you to our faithful readers. The amount of response, to our “Up Yours” challenge has been amazing (See last issue at theventnation.com for the ofﬁcial challenge). I have been in close contact with my fellow editors Yvonne and John, and the expletives have been rolling in. This could also be because one of them drives like a 72 year old disabled Asian (I won’t say which one but here’s a hint, she’s married to the guy that runs the CC Hooks and her name is Yvonne ). Due to my overwhelming lead in the challenge, (I have received over 3000 ‘Up yours’s’) so, we will continue this readership rating effort, however I will remove myself from the race and give my colleges a chance to catch up. So from now on, when you see either of the other two editors pictured here, make sure to give them your best “Up Yours!” As for me you can just buy me a drink, or a lap dance, or a new car, I guess it depends where you run into me. Sincerely Up Mine, Top: John Kelly -We The People Ed, a.k.a. Billy Henneberger Bottom: Yvonne Gottsch -FYI
A Letters to The Ed
As a 14 year old displaced Mormon girl from the Yearning for Zion Ranch in Eldorado, Texas I would like to thank Corpus Christi. Had it not been for your community I would have been married to my 52 year old uncle next week and never experienced the joys of the city. When I ﬁrst arrived here I was taken through La Armada on Ayers street and immediately felt at home. Families of 10 and 12 were living together in two bedroom apartments. This reminded me of the ranch back home and all of my brother-uncles and sister-cousins. All of the teenage girls were pregnant or had a baby. The ones that weren’t would meet in the laundry room and praise God. Cries of “Oh God” and the promise of them coming to see Him could be heard through the complex.
While I know I will have to struggle to ﬁt in and adjust to the clothes that girls my age wear here and the frequent praying to a statue of a virgin, I am happy to know that the local Corpus Christians are keeping true to my culture. Sincerely, in God’s name, Warren Jeffs Rox My Sox
I wud like to thank Corpuz Christie for their prayers to Selena. Cuz of dem Emilio Narvia iz getting better. Idunno wut wuld have happened if I had to go thru another death of 1 of my favorite tejano singerz. I am still recovering from da dying of Selena, just like da rest of Corpuz. I believe dat because Selena and La Virgen de Guadalupe joined together to help save Emilio he iz going 2 liv. As a thank you I am goin 2 take ﬂowers and tamales to her statue on Ocean drive. Much luv, 361 por vida
We as Americans, must “cheer” the fact, that we have turned the “tide”. We have nothing to lose, and everything to “gain.” For it is the “dawn” of a new era. One full of “joy”, hope and prosperity. I have seen a “dove” ﬂy over streets ornate with gold and “ivory”. I have pursued it with great “zest” and zeal. It has let me know that we mus “dial” down our differences, and “snuggle” up with Robert “Downy” Jr. That was and excerpt from my new book titled The Audacity of Soap, available at any Barnes and Noble. Sincerely, Barack Obama I am Barack Obama and I approved this message.
The Vent Daily’s Monthly News
Local Iron Man Sues Marvel
Antonio Edguardo Starko, of ers on the west side. In 1965 Tony Corpus Christi, has ﬁled suit against Stark was in love with the characMarvel Comics. It is Starko’s claim ter, Virginia “Pepper” Potts; At the that the Iron Man movie as well as age of 65, Starko is in love with the the comic series are based on his virgin who works at Chili’s washlife, and he has yet to receive any ing pots. compensation. While it has been stated that the “I have been an Iron Man for Iron Man character was based on ec50 years, ever since I opened Iron centric billionaire, Howard Hughes, Starko claims that Man Cleaners, located in the early 60’s he at Airline and Holly, meet Stan Lee, who where we’ll iron any seemed fascinated garment on the spot. That’s why they call with his life as an Iron Man. me the Iron Man.” Starko has several “Stan was in town in 1962,” claimed documented similariStarko. “Fantastic ties between the Tony Four had just been Stark character and declared a hit, and himself. For example: Stan was traveling Tony Stark is an arms the country spenddealer; Antonio used Antonio “Iron Man” Starko 2008 ing all that sweet F4 to sell guns to teenag-
By William Henneberger
cash. Apparently he was banging some local crazy who thought she was a mutant. He walked into my shop with the worst wrinkled shirt I had ever seen. I dropped what I was doing, and ironed like I had never ironed before. When I was through, his shirt was as straight as a sheet of metal. That was the one and only time I ever saw him.” Starko has tried to get an explanation from Marvel Comics for decades with no success. Stan Lee has claimed in several press releases, that he has never meet Antonio Starko, and he most deﬁantly never had relations with anyone who ever believed that they were a mutant. Starko remaining determined to prove his case asked, “Why do you think that Iron Man’s colors are gold and red, just like the Spanish ﬂag? That’s all me.”
Antonio “Iron Man” Starko 1962
This is not the only suit with which Stan Lee and Marvel have been involved. Several years ago, Lee settled in a suit brought by his hairy gardener Adam Antium who made similar claims about another one of his characters, though due to a conﬁdentiality clause, he could not reveal which one.
The Vent Daily’s Citizen Spotlight: M. Night Salamilong
Salamilong is not afraid to address taboo issues in his movies.
Corpus Christi high schools theater students. Salamilong explains, “As a director I prefer to use younger actors, the younger the better, they are easier to mold and manipulate, it makes for a better scene when you know that these ﬁery teens are ready and willing to do what ever it is you need from them.” In regards to acting, M. Night says it was never his strong suit, but he was intent on pulling out of his comfort zone. “I wanted to come out of my shell,” says Salamilong, “so I started off by giving myself a small role, but with each new ﬁlm my part keeps getting bigger and bigger, which has also done wonders with the ladies.” In his next ﬁlm The Happening he will play twin brothers who must
RELIGION Praying With Anger: (writer/director/actor) an alienated teen seeks the comfort of his Priest. PRETEEN HOMOSEXUALITY Wide Awake: (writer/director) a ﬁfth-grader gets into tons of trouble at an all boys school. NECROPHILIA The Sixth Inch: (writer/director) a young man must f*** dead people out of limbo. GAY PARAPLEGIC SEX Unf***able: (writer/director) a hero must ﬁgure out a way to make love to another man with a rare disease that causes his bones to break easily, all without his wife and son discovering his secret. BESTIALITY F*** Village: (writer/director) a rich eccentric founds a sex colony hidden away from the modern day world in which villager s are forced to have sex with creatures in order to maintain a peaceful existence. Stuart Little (writer ) the story of a boy and his special mouse. INCEST Lady In Her Father: (writer/director/actor) a young confused girl straps one on and f***s her old confused father.
By William Henneberger
There are very few people in the Coastal Bend working as hard as M. Night Salamilong to bring the ﬁlm industry to this area. Salamilong has been directing and staring in ﬁlms since he was a young man and has recently been recognized as one of the premier ﬁlmmakers in today’s Adult Film Industry. While some of his early pictures are usually overlooked, odds are you’re familiar with his later work. He is best known for his movie The Sixth Inch In which a young man sees dead people, then f***s them. His most recent ﬁlm Lady In Her Father is a controversial piece dealing with the sensitive issues of sexuality, incest and strap-ons. Salamilong has shot several of his ﬁlms in secluded ranch homes throughout South Texas, and is devoted to using local actors. Often times his entire cast will consist of
discover their love for one another in order to save humanity. The ﬁlm culminates with a dramatic and very graphic sex scene between the twins in which one of the brothers must be f***ed to death before the end of the world. M. Night Salamilong’s creative spirit and fearless directing style along with his overwhelming sense of community pride and his tireless work with local children make him more than worthy of The Vent Daily’s Citizen Spotlight.
Diary of a Fat Cannibal #1
I wasn’t always a cannibal, my cannibalism began just after my daughter was born. My wife and I had just become Wiccans and so, after the birth of our child it was customary to eat the placenta, hey, don’t knock it till you try it, but when you do try it, one suggestion, Tabasco. Anywho, as I savored the better part of my wife’s afterbirth, I knew my life would never be the same. The thought that something this absolutely scrumptious came from inside of my wife, only made me wonder how delicious my daughters ﬂesh would taste. This was my own child… I couldn’t possibly go through with what I was thinking, but how could I not. After minutes of mental debate, I decided to eat one of my daughter’s arms, and it was delicious, and well worth the sacriﬁce. I felt the regret and emptiness of every previous meal in my life, and I vowed to never again eat anything other than the meat of human babies. Five years and an extra 130 pounds later, I have realized the error of my ways, babies are just too high in baby-fat. I am ashamed of this horribly fat body. My wife, who stuck with me through the “eating my baby’s arm” thing, says she won’t live with such a pig. Cannibal or not, no one should ever let themselves go the way that I have. It’s time to lose some weight,
and the most important thing I need to do is avoid my biggest temptation. That’s right, as hard as it has been, I no longer feast on the ﬂesh of innocent infants, not even the really ugly ones. I haven’t eaten a baby in over two weeks, and I’ve already lost over nine pounds. So far I’ve tried several methods, but what works the best for me is Jenny Craig. I paid twenty bucks to lose twenty pounds, plus the cost of food, which for me is free. I just kidnapped Jenny and I’m eating her piece by healthy piece. When I run out of her I’ll just ﬁnd another Jenny Craig in the phone book, or I’ll just grab one of my old girlfriends, but just the skinny ones. That means you’re in the clear Jessica and Ambyr, and Denise and Joanna, and Monica. The physical toll of not eating babies is nothing compared to the mental aspect. Eating a newborn is like eating fruit from the tree of life. Nothing else compares. Just knowing that I will never bite into a tiny baby ﬁnger again is almost enough to make me give up this life all together. As hard as it is, I will continue forward in my journey to a thinner, better me. I know that if Kiristie Alley can stop eating babies than I can too.
The Vent Daily’s Obituary Service
The Vent is proud to announce a new service, to help make your life more enjoyable. How many times have you needed the day off of work, but you’re a$$hole boss just wasn’t having it? Well, with the Vent’s Obituary service you can take the day off when every you please. Just send us $20 US Dollars, your name, a picture of a loved one and the day on which you want them to die, and we will create for you the personalized obituary of your mother, grandmother, father, or for those really tuff bosses, an obituary for your child. Next time you need the day of, we can provide you with the proof you need for that bitter lower management son-of-a-b*tch. Act Now. And to show you we’re serious, we’re gonna throw in a freebie. The dates of the following Obit are good for the San Antonio Warped Tour, or just for 4th of July however it is only valid if your last name is Garcia, Garza, Jones or Williams.
Alma Garcia-Jones 1930-2008
Alma GarciaJones, devoted mother and grandmother, passed away at sunrise on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 of natural causes. She was 78. Alma had been a resident of San Antonio for her entire life. Her family and friends will miss her great sense of humor and her keen interest in current affairs. Alma is survived by her three ex-hubands, Walter Jones, Dennis Wiliams and Jaun Garza. She raised several children from each marriage and had a hand in raising all 14 of her grandchildren. The family will receive visitors at Sawyer-George Funeral Home, 12497 Commerce, from 10:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. on Friday July 4th. A service will be held July 5th at 10 a.m. at the San Antonio Memorial Park. A memorial service celebrating Jane’s life will follow at First United Methodist Church of San Antonio, 900 South Danzel at 2:00 p.m., with the Rev. Gloria Lear ofﬁciating. Arrangements are being handled by Fisher & Sons Funeral Home.
‘Roll’ With the Punches
I’ve never been on a train before. This is the thought that turns over in my head each time I see that dingy Amtrak, in its muted silver splendor, gliding past the eastern edge of my tiny universe. Johnny Cash was right. Every morning I wake up to the sun slowly climbing up over the stillness of the Chompawamsic and in the evenings I wander in and out of waking dreams where the warm wind of the gulf blows my hair back off of my brow. I can feel the sand in between my toes. I can taste the salt in the air as the cold bottle sweats into my hand and I can smell the ﬁre that slowly burns in anticipation of another night ﬁlled with careless joy. I think of old friends and forgotten lovers and watch longingly as the sun throws bright streamers of purple and orange through the bank of steel-reinforced windows that have become my only connection to the outside world. The Northeastern Regional Correctional Facility is located in Vir-
ginia, just south of our nations capital, on a stretch of land that lies sandwiched between Interstate 95 and the muddy banks of the Potomac River. It is a part of our country that is wrought with historical signiﬁcance, splendid seasonal turnings, and a sense of national heritage that you can only ﬁnd in a place where hundreds of thousands of brothers, friends, and countrymen murdered each other in search of common ground. This is a place of serene beauty, with its Waldonesque landscaping and twisted hunks of Americana buried in its belly, but inevitably the reality of my institutionalization regains command of my often-excessive imagination and I am returned to my world of detention with alarming poignancy. Now, the last thing that I want to do is bore you with some weepy, overly self-indulgent tale of a bright young boy who dashed his hopes of a righteous existence against the immovable boulders of abuse and addic-
tion. Instead I will bore you with a questionably honest, only marginally self-indulgent story about a kid who might have been an outlaw in another life, but who was more than likely nothing more than a spoiled punk who ended up signing his own eviction notice from the game because, for one brief moment, he hesitated. He let serotonin and testosterone and expectation and greed get the upper hand on his common sense and broke the ﬁrst cardinal rule. Never, ever go against your instincts. Throughout my tenure as a miscreant, I have managed to bamboozle, ﬁnagle, lie, cheat, steal, coerce, and straight out bullshit my way either into or out of just about any and every situation imaginable. While I am not particularly proud of some of the more deviant acts that I have been involved in, I am not ashamed of who I am. My theory is simple. If you are going to do something, do it all the way. Full throttle. Balls out. Give one hundred percent, no matter what. My problem has never been so much in my convictions as it has been in my judgment. I am told that addicts refer to it as a “moment of clarity”. I can’t be positive but I believe that it may have been somewhere between my ﬁrst self-administered injection of morphine and being held facedown in the moldy smelling industrial carpeting of a government facility, while an overzealous storm trooper performed his steroid charged rendition of Riverdance along my spine, that I came to the realization that I may be the luckiest man alive, or a complete fucking idiot. Facilitation of a Controlled Substance to a Federal Agent, what ever that means, is how I managed to conﬁrm my reservations in these modest lodgings and although the staff is hostile and the accommodations are sparse, at least the view is nice. In my own defense, if I am even to consider myself defendable, I was soaring effortlessly through a state of high bliss when ﬁrst approached by
by Mike Skinner
the two statuesque beauties, one of who would eventually become my ruin. They were like shiny-skinned angels ﬂoating towards me through the swirling haze at 120 beats per minute. The taller one wore rhinestones on her eyes and white vinyl bondage pants that moved like a living body of water when she danced. The serotonin valve was opened to full force and I felt like I was losing contact with the ground. The shorter girl told me her name was Heaven, and I believed her. She was dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl and she was wearing Technicolor fairy wings and Princess Leia pigtails. I fell in love with her almost immediately. When she laced her arms around my waist it felt like I was being wrapped in a blanket of forgiveness. Absolution for all of my past transgressions swirled in concentric circles in the dark pools of her eyes. Her breath was hot on my neck when she whispered to me all of the ancient secrets of the universe. Her ﬁngertips traced out the names of forgotten Gods on my cheek as she gently kissed my ear and told me that she wanted to venture with me out into the blackest recesses of outer space. I told her to wait for me underneath the stairs and waded out into a writhing sea of bodies, intent on ﬁnding the treasure that would help me win her heart. We had a glorious night. We danced and kissed and kept each other warm from the heat of our souls until the soft light of dawn began its inevitable rise towards the future. I thought I had ﬁnally made an honest connection with someone and I rode home in silence, through a maze of phallic monuments and cold stone domes, smiling at my good fortune. It seemed like things were ﬁnally starting to go my way. Two days later I was wearing an orange jumpsuit and the next time I saw my angel, she was wearing silver bars on her collar and explaining to a judge why a man like me belonged behind bars. So much for ﬁrst impressions.
Celebrity Music Review Millencolin Machine 15 Epitaph Records Release Date: May 6, 2008 This Issue’s Review by Pope Benedict XVI
Hello my dear brother’s and sister’s in Christ, it’s me your Popiness (you see what I did there, I mixed Pope with Holiness to form a new word). You know, after a long hard day of Poping around and condemning Jews, I like to take off my Papal garments, pop open a Michelob Ultra, and unwind with a good Punk cd. Well low and behold, the good Lord saw ﬁt in choosing me to review the latest Milencolin album. Now I’ve been a Milencolin fan since ‘Life on a Plate’, and their latest offering ‘Machine 15’ culminates 15 years of Milencolin with 15 tracks of punk rock goodness...wait a minute. What the? Machine 15, 15 years, 15 tracks? 1 + 5 = 6. Oh my, 6,6,6!!! Wait this could be a coincidence. Let me check the song titles.
Oh no, there’s a song titled “Saved by Hell”. There goes my shot a sainthood. God Dammit!!!! This is the most satanic Milencolin album ever!!!! While it does take you back to classic Milencolin albums (Life on a Plate, Four Monkeys) with tracks like “Detox” and “ Who’s Laughing Now” tracks like “Danger for Stranger” and “Turnkey Paradise” seem a little forced. Think Middle Readings from St. Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians. “Machine 15” and “Done is Done” offer great rock tunes that have become staples of a more mature Milencolin. Despite some bumpy tracks, “Machine 15” offer a well rounded listen, that’ll keep me rocking the Vatican up until the 12th week of Ordinary Time. Overall I gave “Machine 15” 3 out of 5 Papal Pardons. May the Almighty God and Father bless you and keep you. This is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God. His Holiness, The Dalai Lama, Just Kidding.
Corpus Christi Entertainment Calendar Thur. May 1st
Mothers Anthem, The Golden Meanies -House Of Rock Kinda Smooth -Revolution The Cast Pattern, Knives Exchanging Hands -Compound Rich O’toole -Executive Surf Club Live Jazz Till Midnight -21 Spirits Micky & The Motorcars w/ Brandon Jenkins -Brewster Street
Fri. May 2nd
Latin Talk, Mindfields -21 Spirits Back In The Day -Executive Surf Club The Hottness -Compound Makeshift Skateboards 5yr Party With The Booked, The Vettes, Dine In And Dance, Street Light Suzy -House Of Rock Tasso & Kent (Patio) -Revolution Hobo -Clicks Billiards Voice Of Glass -Zeroz Stonewired –Texan Alan Jackson -American Bank Center The Spazmatics -Brewster Street
Sat. May 3rd
Phil Pritchett -Executive Surf Club Funk School Iii: Kulacha Far I, 7th Generation, The Raspas, Indopin, Marshall Influence -House Of Rock Kinda Smooth -Revolution The Same Affliction -Texan
Sun. May 4th
Big Sexy -21 Spirits Blind Sullivan –Texan The Fabulous Thunderbirds -American Bank Center Cruise Control -Brewster Street
Scarecrow People-Executive Surf Club
Thur. May 8th
Brian Birdwell -Executive Surf Club Surf & Skate Art Show Featuring John Steele -House Of Rock Henry + The Invisibles -Revolution Live Jazz Till Midnight -21 Spirits Aaron Watson & Jason Boland -Brewster Street
Fri. May 9th
The Groove -Executive Surf Club Voodoo Glow Skulls, Knockout, Random Hand, And Drastic Actions -House Of Rock Kinda Smooth (Patio) -Revolution Henry Brun -The Havana Club Lyrical Bynge -Clicks Billiards
Sat. May 17th
Time Pilots -Executive Surf Club Texas Triple Threat -Clicks Billiards Latin Talk -The Havana Club Epoch Evolution -Zeroz Ray Wylie Hubbard w/ Liz & Lincoln -Brewster Street
Heavy Knox -Texan The Dave Matthews Tribute Band -Executive Surf Club Same Affliction -Clicks Billiards Henry Brun -The Havana Club Riverboat Gamblers, Sweet Daddy, Right Turn Clyde -House Of Rock Trisum -Revolution Scarecrow People -21 Spirits Indianola Railroad -Brewster Street
Charlie Murphy & Friends (Comedy) -American Bank Center Grey Bliss/Leche Pets/ Which Ways Ocean -Texan Cruise Control -Executive Surf Club Level 13 -Clicks Billiards Europa -The Havana Club Electric Touch, The Golden Meanies, David And The Black Panda -House Of Rock Myndfields -Revolution Jolly Ranchers -21 Spirits Middle Of The Road -Brewster Street
Sun. May 11th
Wed. May 28th
Tue. May 20th
Thur. May 29th
Sat. May 10th
Chartreuse -Mulligan’s Pub
Mon. May 12th
Fireworks , Knuckelhead -Compound
Tue. May 13th
Kill Your Ex (Media Skare ) City Upon A Hill -Compound Alesana, The Chariot, Skyeatsairplane, Love Hate Hero, Our Last Night -House Of Rock Scarecrow People-Executive Surf Club
Wed. May 14th Koffin Kats -House Of Rock
Justin Estes -Mulligan’s Pub
Tue. May 6th
ZZ Top -American Bank Center Dave’s Duo -Brewster Street
Thur. May 15th
Emory Quinn -Executive Surf Club Hayes Carll, Hobo, Corb Lund -House Of Rock Kinda Smooth -Revolution Live Jazz Till Midnight -21 Spirits Bart Crow Band -Brewster Street
Fri. May 16th
Another Level -21 Spirits Myndfields -Executive Surf Club The Fall Or Troy, The Dear Hunter, Foxy Shazam And Tera Melos -House Of Rock Blake Sparks (Patio) -Revolution Big Sexy -The Havana Club The Classic Struggle, With Dead Hands Rising, Gohst Of A Fallen Age , A Breathbefore Surfacing -Compound Cathouse -Clicks Billiards Marshall Influence -Texan
1 Yr. Aniv. Mongo’s Stereo, Dj King G -Revolution Pineapple Protein and Two Day Recover -Mulligan’s Pub
Scarecrow People-Executive Surf Club
Sun. May 25th
The Band Of Heathens -Executive SurfClub
Tue. May 27th
Scarecrow People-Executive Surf Club Tonight Is Glory -Compound
Everybody Out, ( Feturing Members Of Dropkick Murphys, Dead Pets) By The Sins Fell Angels, She Is A Liar -Compound Big Band Night -21 Spirits
Wed. May 21st
Eisley, The Myriad, And Vedera -House Of Rock
Trisum -Executive Surf Club Outlaw Nation -House Of Rock Rock Kinda Smooth -Revolution Live Jazz Till Midnight -21 Spirits
Thur. May 22nd
Fri. May 30th
Zack Walthers & The Cronkites With Texas Renegade -Executive Surf Club Mr. Lamb And The Jilted Ones -House Of Rock Supagreen -Revolution Live Jazz Till Midnight -21 Spirits Randy Rogers Band w/ The Gougers -Brewster Street
Fri. May 23rd
Vallejo -Executive Surf Club Carnifex , Arsonist Get All The Girls, Embrace The End, Conducting The Grave -Compound Trisum -Clicks Billiards Kinda Smooth (Patio) –Revolution Big Sexy -The Havana Club The Groove -21 Spirits Chartruse -Texan The Scarecrow People -Brewster Street
Sat. May 24th
Black Market Revival/ David & The Black Panda -Texan
Flashback -Executive Surf Club Girl In A Coma, Reely Rotnz, Nancy Silva Project, Color & Light, Chartreuse -House Of Rock Jolly Ranchers -The Havana Club Spin Fx -Clicks Billiards Myndfields -21 Spirits Another Level -Brewster Street
Sat. May 31st
Myndfields -21 Spirits Killmora -Zeroz Tin Can Phone -Executive Surf Club Low Down Project -Clicks Billiards Babes In Sin Tx Burlesque Show And Paul Sutherland Cd Release Party -House Of Rock The V.I.P. Band –Revolution Jolly Ranchers -The Havana Club Oso Texas -Brewster Street Bands and Venues Send Concert Listings To: email@example.com
My Favorite Four Letter Word Hello anonymous friends. I’ve got a question I’d like to ask you, all eleven of you who currently read this paper and are neither a relative of, nor dating or married to, anyone on the editorial staff that is. Have you ever been in love? I mean really and truly in love with another human being? I’m sure that most of you will say yes and perhaps you are telling the truth. Perhaps everyone has been in love, I hope so anyway. I hope that each and every one of you has had the opportunity to experience the abrasive rub of a heart grown fonder, I know I have. The kind of love that I’m talking about is not a common love, like the love for your favorite band or the house you grew up in, which isn’t to say that common love is bad. Who doesn’t love their dog? Common love is natural and healthy and it tends to make the triviality of everyday life seem more bearable. I am also not referring to passion. While passion can be the catalyst for real love, it is certainly not the same thing. Despite what romantics and pseudo-intelligentsia will have you believe, passion does not come from the heart or the brain. Passion ultimately comes from the loins, and anything that is born from carnal desire will eventually wither away. You know that beautiful girl with the crooked smile who works at the coffee shop or the guy from the ofﬁce with the twinkling eyes and the perfect hair, well guess what, somebody is fucking sick of them right now. That’s what passion will get you. The kind of love that I’m talking about is so authentic that it makes you understand where hate comes from. It’s a constantly whirling knot that starts down in your belly and slowly rises up through your chest and then ﬁnally
ends up in your head, sending your brain into feverish convulsions of imagination, ﬁlled with hopeful dreams of the future and desperate visions of jealousy and rage. All of those people who constantly talk of hate as though it is some alien concept and express how they could never personally hate another human, those people have never really been in love. If one were inclined to look, one might ﬁnd evidence showing that I have, in fact, fallen in love with no less than two women in my life. I say no less than two because the third relationship that comes to mind occurred at such an early age that I can’t be positive if it was actually legitimate, which of course means that it wasn’t. Plus, the steady ﬂow of chemicals that have run their course through my body over the years have cut a path so deep that I can’t honestly remember what I felt like about anything back then. As for the other two beauties, I was absolutely committed to each of them and I loved them whole heartedly. Perhaps committed is slightly inaccurate, but I loved the shit out of those women. Each was the polar opposite of the other, and each came at completely different phases of my life. Both of them ended up getting the best of me but one more so than the other. We’ll call her Number 1, even though chronologically, she was actually number 2. She took my heart and she smashed that motherfucker to bits and it changed my life forever. We met in September, on the Tuesday just after Labor Day. I was living in the Deep South at the time. Everybody should get the opportunity to experience an autumn in Alabama. It is glorious in its conﬂiction. The restrictive heat of summer still remains embedded like a tick in the sweltering hours
of the wet afternoon. The humidity clings to you like a drunken lover, but in the heavy blue hours before dawn you can feel the frayed edges of twilight begin to frost in quiet deﬁance. She was sitting by herself, along the edge of a sunken courtyard on the western side of my building. She kept her legs crossed loosely, with her elbows resting on the inseam of her pants. She looked comfortable. On the concrete, just beside her left kneecap, there was a small blue sunﬂower drawn in chalk. I wondered if she had put it there. Her face was buried inside of a book that was too big for her hands. Directly behind her stood a bronze statue that had been erected in reverence of some fallen Southern hero. He was seated proudly on an oxidized steed, both its legs held aloft to represent the ultimate sacriﬁce of a life given valiantly in the name of oppression. She wore her hair short and drastic and appeared calmly out of place. Her skin was a soft white cream and seemed as though it would be sweet to taste. Her name was Ana and she was from out west. She seemed to be a little charmed by the fact that I always said Ma’am and Sir. I was blown away by her conﬁdence and her eyes. She appeared to be running away from something but running
by Mike skinner
away was the only thing I had ever done so we ﬁt together just ﬁne. We spent the rest of the day sitting right where we had met, talking about anything that crossed our minds. It is still one of the best conversations that I’ve ever had. We made love three days later. It reminded me of the time that I saw the Boston Pops perform Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture on the 4th of July, ﬁreworks pulsing over the harbor as I smiled at the possibility of forever. It was the one sexual experience by which I gauge all others. We ﬁt together like Lego mannequins. Our limbs were pre-programmed with all the right directions and when we kissed, neither one of us had to adjust in order to make it feel real. We even ﬁt together when we slept. We spent the better part of a decade trying to chase down perfection, either that or we were simply trying to outrun the inevitable. The truth is that I’m kind of ruined now. People move on and new lives begin and drinks are spilled and you dance and you laugh and you kiss but sometimes I think that it’s all just a not so clever disguise for your loneliness. Ana is married now and two weeks ago she had a daughter. If we never would have fallen in love then I wouldn’t be able to hate her now. I don’t hate her though, I love her. I love you. Congratulations.
By Stella Starr
The stuff you need to know this month, and the shit you don’t want to know, but we love you so much we just have to tell you. Taurus Stimulating Mars enters your house of communication at the start of this month, and while this facilitates interaction between you and your loved ones, it also provides for some serious self-communication. This means your dreams will give you the keys to unlocking some deep-seated feelings and desires. So when you dream about bonking your best friend, it doesn’t mean you’re gay. You’re just sick. Gemini The new moon in Pisces on March 7 along with a ﬁerce Mars-Pluto conﬂict stir up feelings of conﬂict and the desire for justice. This could give you the conﬁdence to ﬁght the good ﬁght and stand up for yourself at work and on the home front. You will also have the guts to kick your neighbor’s ass for letting his dog crap on your lawn every day. Cancer It’s time for a new game plan, and with dynamic Mars entering your sign on the 4th, you’ll have the energy and the enthusiasm. This time you make the rules, and when the balls start ﬂying in your face, you’ll be begging for more.
Leo The new moon in Pisces on March 7 shakes up the peaceful existence you’ve been enjoying up until now. Unexpected situations pop up and people begin behaving strangely. It will all leave you feeling a bit disoriented, but if you just stop popping the ‘shrooms, things will get back to feeling normal. Virgo Sexy Venus continues its journey across your sign, and along with innovative Mercury, urges you to think outside the box. So stop beating off to that porn and try some new moves with your lady love. Libra Venus moves into Pisces on the 12th, stimulating cooperative feelings in your 4th house of relationships. You may be more inclined to concede to your partner in squabbles this week. Just remember keeping the peace makes it easier to get out of the house to meet with your mistress. Scorpio The last year and a half has been a period of slow but steady transition. You may have been contemplating ending a relationship or perhaps considered
a new, drastic career change. This is coming to fruition this month, with Mars entering your house of change. The next three weeks are critical for these changes to take place, so ﬁrm your resolve and jump in with both feet. The results will be remarkable. Sagittarius The volatile conjunction of feisty Mars and stubborn Pluto on the 7th means conﬂict will be stirred up between you and your partner. Issues have been brewing for a couple of years, but until now they have been kept under the surface. This month, the whole thing will blow up in your face. We must say, we’re happy you’re ﬁnally getting what you deserve, you bastard. Capricorn You get bumpy start to the month thanks to the intuitive Pisces new moon bumping up against prickly Uranus. Intrusive intuitive thoughts may be battling with your usual good sense, and some jealousies and insecurities may pop up. Hang in there: smarty-pants Mercury comes by at the end of the month and your rational mind takes control once again.
Aquarius The Pisces new moon on the 7th sparks your imagination and it could be the start of something big for you. While further planetary movements will usher positive vibrations for your new endeavor, stay determined: you will not see results for several months, but when you do, they will be wonderful.
Pisces Lovely Venus moves into your sign around the 12th, making a new shift in focus and maturation of character. About this time you will wake from a confusing dream in which you’re kissing your teacher. Don’t worry when you ﬁnd yourself in a puddle of emotion. It just means you’re growing up. Aries The protective sign of Cancer shrouds your ruling planet, Mars, in protective vibes. After many months of giving selﬂessly at work and home, you now feel safe enough to take in some me time this month. Take some time to pamper yourself, or at least play with yourself.