Wake Up and Represent the 361 Comedian, Steve Trevino, a South Texas native has a one-liner about our city… “Corpus Christi is the only town where you can fart in the car and blame it on outside.” I know Steve Trevino loves his hometown, and he’s done more than his share to try to jump-start the local comedy scene. Still, anyone who has spent some time in our city knows that there is a little bit of truth to that punch line. As a candidate for Corpus Christi’s City Council District 2, my initial opinion on the proposed Las Brisas Energy Plant was that it was a necessary evil, given the current state of the economy and Corpus Christi’s (un)development. I had heard a couple of arguments for each side, none of which stirred me very far in either direction. That changed when I received a call from a concerned voter, who was calling all of the City Council candidates, to ﬁnd out their stance on the Las Brisas issue. This was the ﬁrst time I heard that the plant would increase local pollution by 70%. For you simple folks, that means that if all the factories already in operation put out 100 pollution thingys, then Las Brisas will put out 70 pollution thingys all by itself, for a total of 170 pollution thingys. That’s a lot of frickin pollution thingys. This is all adequately explained at www. cleanenergycorpus.com. Even if the Clean Economy Coalition is only half-right, this is still plenty of cause for concern. Air quality at several of our schools has already been rated by the EPA, as some of worst in the United States. Just a few months ago my nine-year-old was diagnosed with asthma. Long-term, Las Brisas only offers Corpus Christi about 100 decent paying jobs, none of which are guaranteed to go to local employees. Now is the time to stand up for Corpus Christi. Protesting Las Brisas can be the ﬁrst major step in a new dedication toward a better quality of life in our city. This kind of pride in our community will be the foundation that is necessary for proper development. Development with more return and less burn. Wake up, William Henneberger, The Vent
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The Vent is an organization devoted to enriching Corpus Christi through Print, Television, Film, Comedy and Music. Send all article submissions, comments, and letters to: firstname.lastname@example.org The Vent: 361-549-6213 Publisher / Creative Director: William Henneberger Editor: Nora Gutierrez-Perez Writers: William Henneberger Nora Gutierrez-Perez Stella Starr Michael Henneberger Mike Skinner Berto Garcia Mary Wienke Zombie Art by: Russell Tippit www.theventnation.com
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Letters to the Editor: send letters to email@example.com Dear Editor of The Vent: I want to use this public forum to congratulate my friend and former realitytelevision co-star Jade Goody on her recent marriage. There is much speculation as to why I did not attend the wedding, but I assure you my reasons were purely work-related. My busy work schedule simply did not allow for me to be in London for the ceremony. I assure you that my volatile relationship with Ms. Goody and her two friends has been completely mended. We have become close friends, all of us. Why, I even shared with them my special garam masala home remedy for yeast infections. I truly hope Jade and her boy toy... I mean, her new husband, ﬁnd all the happiness they deserve. I also pray every night for a speedy resolution to Jade’s medical problems. Sincerely, Shilpa Shetty
Dear Ed: Let this serve as my farewell to Corpus Christi and its ﬁne citizens. I appreciate the citizens who have spoken in my defense, against my demolition. I also am thankful for those who have signed the petition to put the matter up for the public to vote on. Only I, however, can say if I want to stay or go, and I have decided to go. I’m old, I’m ugly, and I’m dog tired. I serve no purpose, and the boobs who run this town can’t seem to come up with a deﬁnite plan. I’m in limbo, baby, and it’s not fun. So I, The Memorial Coliseum, will end my life by self-detonation, date and time tba. I am working with the kind people here at The Vent to amass a large enough supply of explosives to plant in my cavernous belly, and once we have set the whole thing up, an announcement will be put on this magazine’s website so that my beloved public may turn out for the event. Don’t cry for me, Corpus Christi. You know I will never really leave you. Very truly yours, The Memorial Coliseum Dear Ed, I just wanted to say, this really sucks. After hanging out in the White House for eight years, dealing with a real son of a bitch, and having to witness some stupid fat girl grossly debasing a cigar, I was just tossed aside. And as if living with some batty old biddy in a mothball-infested ﬂat for years wasn’t bad enough, now they’re telling me I’m going to be put to sleep. I mean, can’t a cat get a break? Murderers, rapists, and child-pornographers get reprieve all the time. How about me? Can’t they just put me out to pasture or something? You former ﬁrst cat, Socks (Editor’s Note: Socks was put to sleep on February 20, 2009. His remains were thrown in a Maryland pasture.)
Mayoral Candidate Adame Claims to be Immortal Real News Bites By William Henneberger for City Council District 2
Many voters have turned their support away from mayoral candidate, and local property pimp Joe Adame, after discovery of his extremely controversial beliefs. It was during a political forum hosted by the Scientologists United for Corpus, or SUC, that Adame’s strange doctrine came into question. When asked if he supported L. Ron’s theory, that in order to become Clear and advance one’s Thetan, one must be audited for 13 moon years and cleanse their genitals in vegetable oil 37 times in a row, the candidate responded by calling the group backwards and idiotic. Adame went on to explain his personal views, saying, “You see, there’s a
god-man who was a lamb that could walk on water, and turn it into wine. He was killed and I am covered in his blood and that is what makes me pure and perfect, and immortal” He then went on to describe a talking donkey that could see angels, and Ezekiel’s skeleton army. With these controversial views now out in the open, many questions have been raised. Several citizens have called the authorities and demanded that Adame be locked away and kept off the streets. When reporter asked to meet this mangod, Joe Adame, said that he keeps him inside his heart, but sometimes, he
can be found in the sky, where he is building Joe a mansion next to his father’s house. He then became irritated and, proclaimed “Death has no power over me! I will live forever and ever! Amen.” No word yet on when Joe Adame’s sky mansion will hit the market.
City Council Issues “Sssssmokin” Ban
By Berto Garcia
Corpus Christi - After little debate the Corpus Christi City Council has decided to issue the ﬁrst ever ban on “Sssssmokin”, the 15 year-old catchphrase of The Mask, a character portrayed by Jim Carrey. The ban was set in motion, after several councilmen overheard a Corpus Christi citizen proclaim that Councilwoman Melody Cooper’s ass was “Sssssmokin!” “It really wasn’t a hard decision to make,” explained District 2 Councilman Marez. “By infringing upon the people’s First Amendment right to free speech, it allows the council to gear up for the actual smoking ban which will
prolong the severe economic recession crippling the city. Not to mention the fact that in the aforementioned instance regarding Melody’s ass, the citizen was jus plain incorrect.” The ordinance was passed with absolutely no opposition. The ban will be put into effect immediately, and use of the phrase is punishable by up to a ﬁfty-cent ﬁne, which will be put into an account to aid struggling bar owners who may be affected by the actual smoking ban. The penalty for continued disregard of the ‘Sssssmokin’ ban will result in a stern verbal lashing by Bishop Edmund Carmody.
By John Roman
Obama Reveals Reasons For Budget Request In Speech He asked every American to commit to completing a year or more of higher education or career training except in the ﬁelds of real estate, banking, automotive, education, computer programming, food service, law enforcement, customer service, travel, etc. He did however say that jobs at unemployment centers were skyrocketing. Snakes Almost on a Plane. Man Has Serpents In Luggage The man said he did not intend on transporting snakes. He was attempting to transport marijuana when a mouse swallowed it. When asked to explain, he said, “that the snake swallowed the fox that swallowed the dog that swallowed the cat that ate the mouse that swallowed the stash that lived in the house that Jack built.” Scientists Discover Huge Cache of Fossils In Los Angeles Apparently the scientists stumbled onto the set of ‘The View’. 12 Patients Swap Kidneys at 3 Hospitals Hospital ofﬁcials stated this was the grossest game of ‘Hot Potato’ they’ve ever seen. Nude photo of Madonna went for $37,500 at auction. However, free nude photos can be found on the computers of Alex Rodriguez, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Vanilla Ice, Dennis Rodman , Guy Ritchie, John Kennedy, Jr, Sandra Bernhard, Prince, Lenny Kravitz, Antonio Banderas, Charles Barkley, Tupac Shakur, David Blaine, and Jesus Christ. Octuplets’ mom done having babies 33-year-old Nadya Suleman says the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children. Another sign was that her vagina now looks like a ham sandwich thrown through a fan. Asians Want $4 Billion From Miley Cyrus A Los Angeles woman has ﬁled a class action suit against Miley Cyrus, claiming she mocked Asians in a recent photo by slanting her eyes. Price tag: $4 billion. The plaintiff stated that it was a racist and inappropriate stereotype of Asians. She also stated that she would settle out of court for a giant fortune cookie-shaped nail salon. Over 100 Animals Rescued From Apartment More than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas and tarantulas have been removed from a two-bedroom apartment. The couple living in the second-story apartment has been charged with attempting to ﬁlm a Disney movie.
Stella Starr: Mommy On The Edge
The Clueless Mommy She’s young, she’s hot, she has no idea what the hell is going on.
I am a stay-athome mom. A SAHM, to blogsavvy moms. Actually, I was a working mom until a few months ago, when I had a little mishap with some Ambien (see “Mommy Flips Out,” Vent Daily, *** 2008), and so decided to take some time off. The job I had before kept me away from home all afternoon and evening, and while it paid well, I felt like I never knew what was happening with my kids at school or socially. My parents were ﬁlling in as the real parents while I felt more and more guilty for not being a “real” mom. I was also more than a little worried that my ex-husband might get a bee in his bonnet and decide to declare me unﬁt. As tough as it is to be a single mom, I would be devastated if my children didn’t live with me.
So now I’m at home. A few weeks ago I start- cerned stare, a few “tsk’s,” and an “I know it,” ed a training program to switch careers, but I’m thrown in for good measure. still home most of the time. You’d think that Report card day is a white-knuckle experience. my house would be spotless, my kids’ school I open the brown envelope, breath held, palms clothes freshly pressed every morning, and all damp, and armpits tingly. I praise for the good permission slips turned in well ahead of dead- grades, and make elaborate mental plans for line. I mean, what else do I have to do, but stay remedying the crappy scores. Those plans are on top of school events and after-school activi- never realized. ties? Wrong. I delivered some classroom supplies the other Walk into my kitchen and you’ll see a sink day to my daughter’s classroom and the teacher full of dishes. Are they clean? Are they dirty? mentioned casually if I had scheduled my interWho knows. Just be sure to rinse with hot water view with the principal for a scholarship offer. before you mix up that glass of Ovaltine. Morn- I said no. “Do I need to set that up?” I asked. “I ings are a rush of looking for hair elastics, clean thought that was grade-based.” uniforms, hasty ironing sessions, and slapping “Yes, but parents still need to talk to the prinsoggy cereal on the table. About 11 o’clock I cipal to let them know why their child is deservusually happen to spot the cafeteria menu taped ing of the scholarship,” she responded. Her tone on the fridge and realize the day’s lunch sucks. I made me feel like a clueless mom. race to pack two lunchboxes and run them over “Oh, well thanks for letting me know. I’ll get to campus before the 11:35 bell. right on it.” After I go home and take a nap. When I pull into the school parking lot, my I guess I’d be more on top of things if I didn’t daughter is usually sleep so much. Or check my e-mail so much. cheerful and happy to Or text my lovers so much. But if I wasn’t so see me. But my son out of touch, how would those other track-suitinvariably has a scowl ed, baseball-cap-with-a-ponytail-sticking-out, on his gorgeous face. Starbucks-sucking, permatan-sporting moms He’s done poorly on look so fucking perfect? a test I had no knowlBrownies edge of, he’s forgotten While the other moms are busy about a science proje-mailing classroom newsletters, signing ect and been repprogress reports, and neglecting their husbands, I’m baking brownies with my kids. rimanded for it, or some other 1 2/3 cups unsalted butter, room temp catastrophe 12 oz bittersweet chocolate chips 6 eggs has befallen 1 T vanilla him during 1 2/3 cups sugar the day be1 1/2 cups ﬂour 1 t salt cause of his inadequate Heat oven to 350°F. Line a 13x9 “ pan with parchment paper. Melt butter mother. At and chocolate chips in a saucepan over med-low heat. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat the eggs and sugar; add vanilla. Beat in the cooled least once choco-butter mixture, then beat in the ﬂour. Stir in the salt. a week anPour into prepared pan & bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until the top other parent is dry and crackly, but the interior is still kind of gooey. (Don’t worry; they will continue to cook as they cool.) will corner me You can add walnuts, coconut, peanut butter and ask my opinchips, dried cranberries, fresh or dried cherion of some incident ries, anything your lazy ass desires. or protocol. My response: vague conwww.theventnation.com
H or o s co pe s
By Nora Guti e rre z -Pe re z Aries Work Life: A team project stresses you out when a coworker tries to take all the credit. Request a conference with the boss, and she will understand. Family: A sibling or close cousin has some good news, but not everyone is thrilled. Try to see things from his side and show some major support. Love Life: A casual hookup may lead to more than you expect, in good and bad ways. Think about it. Taurus Work Life: You’re contemplating a career change, and the stars are shining bright on that. But this is not the month for a move. Wait until May. Family: An issue with your folks may make you feel like you need to choose sides. Just listen and advise, then walk away. Love Life: Your partner has been super-supportive lately. Show him how much you appreciate him, & you’ll both have a rip-roaring good time. Gemini Work Life: Your hard work will be noticed by the boss. Get ready for more responsibility and possibly more money. Family: Chronic tensions will ease up this month, or maybe you’ve just learned to tune out all the drama. Love Life: She’s been winking and grinning. When are you going to make a move? Cancer Work Life: A special project will hit a bump; not to worry, it’s not on you. Work will be completed by month’s end, to a glowing review. Family: A parent or sibling is extra crabby this month. Stay out of his/her way; it’s nothing serious and nothing to do with you. Love Life: Your mate and you have been stressed for too long. Take a long weekend midmonth to relax & reconnect. Leo Work Life: Things are glum at work. Try to leave office issues behind when you clock out. Family: A spontaneous reunion peps you up around the 5th. Love Life: A new love prospect pops up where you least expect it. Virgo Work: Um.. you don’t have a job. Family: They think you’re a loser, and they’re right. www.myspace.com/theventnation
Love Life: You have no business having a girlfriend while your three children are living on government cheese and peanut butter. Libra Work Life: All your hobnobbing is finally leading to some lucrative deals. Family: The drama isn’t going to let up for another 15 years. Love Life: She’s just not that into you. Sorry. Scorpio Work Life: A recent career move or shift at your current job may not seem to be paying off, but that’s just your Scorpio impatience talking. Hang in there. You’re on the right track. Family: You’re feeling the love this month. Now is the time to ask for some money. Love Life: Do we even need to tell you? Everyone wants you, and you’re feeling extra generous. As long as you’re careful, there’s no reason why you can’t have a different lover every night of the week. Sagittarius Work Life: A tough project is sapping your energy. Ask for some help. Family: A sibling is needing some serious advice, but is too proud to ask for it. Make the call. Love Life: Peachy keen. You’re in love and she loves you back. Congrats: I hate you. Capricorn Work Life: A subordinate is ready for some extra responsibility. Family: An illness or other trouble has you freaking out. You may need to schedule an appointment with your therapist. Love Life: Your mate is sullen; if you’d just ask, you’d find out it’s nothing major. Aquarius Work Life: A new job is stressing you out. Don’t worry; this was a good move. Family: An unexpected windfall will help relieve financial tension at home. Love Life: A new relationship seems like it’s too good to be true. Don’t be so pessimistic; this could be the one. Pisces Work Life: Your boss has some bad news. It’s not that terrible, but will lead to a change. Family: A recent tiff between you and a sibling will be resolved. Love Life: You’re suddenly suspicious of your mate. Stop snooping and just have a heart to heart. 11