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The Vent Disclaimer: The Vent is a satirical publication and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. The Vent uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Any statements made, expressed or implied in The Vent are solely those of columnists and do not represent the position of our advertisers, who do not accept responsibility for such statements. All characters products, & photos published in The Vent are trademark and Š of their respective owners. The Vent Magazine is a division of The Vent. The Vent is an organization devoted to enriching Corpus Christi through Print, Television, Film, Comedy and Music. Send all comments, and letters to: The Vent: 361-549-6213

Editor in Chief / Creative Director: William Henneberger

Managing Editor: Michael Henneberger

Contributing Writers: William Henneberger Michael Henneberger Stella Starr M.A. Farmer Berto Garcia


Zombie Art by: Russell Tippit

Wake Up & Double Down We’re so broke and we don’t even know it. “I’m telling you baby, you always double down on 11.” “Well obviously, not always.” “Always, baby.” “I’m just saying not in this particular case...” In this particular case The Vent is doubling down on 10, 2010. As we roll into a fourth year of publishing, the Vent will double our monthly circulation to 20,000 (10K every 2 weeks). Thus, making it impossible for you to throw a rock and not hit some beautiful baby reading a copy of The Vent. That’s right, just when you thought we forgot about you, that’s when we call, and guess what… we’re moving in, everywhere! Aside from finding the Vent at the bottom of area bird cages, or wrapped around that bong you just bought, you’ll now find The Vent Magazine in Hair Salons, Dive Bar’s (as if we are not in enough already) Pet Shops, Sex Shops, and Mex Shops (shops where Mexicans work, I guess). You’ll find the Vent all over the place, from the laundry mat, to some place that’s next to a laundry mat. You won’t stand a chance, cause we’re like a big bear, with claws and fangs man, and big f***ing teeth, and your just like this little bunny. Another milestone for The Vent is that we will soon begin to publish in FULL COLOR. These achievements are worth mentioning, because adding more magazines with more color is expensive, and as you can tell by our potty-mouthed intellect, we are from the poor side of the tracks. But you know what, we are so money, that we got this far, just by being a great magazine. No bored, rich investors, or silver-tongued salespeople. Just a poor half-Mexican with a dream, some friends and a couple of faithful advertisers. The Vent IS and will continue to be CC’s True Magazine. We’ll call you in six days, The Vent V


Letters to the Editor:

send letters to

Dear Ed, I guess you’ve probably heard that I got engaged. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one to tell you the news. I know I always said what we had was special, and I meant it. I’ll never forget the romantic love-letters we wrote back and forth while I was in school at Stanford, and Oxford, and Columbia, and you were at Texas A&M University Kingsville. You truly were my first love, Ed. But I think you’d really like my fiancé Marc Mezvinsky. I know what you’re thinking, yes he is Jewish, and yes it is true, but I still love him. I’m sorry. I know that must hurt. You are the only other person I ever loved, Ed. I just couldn’t handle the long distance with you. Sure, Marc is just some lowly investment banker at some little place called Goldman something, but every man can’t be a brilliant, clever, hilarious writer and publisher of one of the greatest publications in the world. I guess, if anything, you can take joy in the fact that I am settling. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Always, Chelsea Clinton (future Mrs. Marc Clinton) Dear Ed, Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into


business with you. I believe you are a reputable and trustworthy person I can do business with. I am Edward Mezvinsky, and my friend Stella Amah is the 19-year-old daughter of late Mr Boni Amah whom was killed by rebels that attacked her country, Cote d’Ivoire West Africa. She ran to Abidjan, the economical capital, of cote d’ivoire, and contacted me. Her father told her that he had a sum of $9,000,000 kept in a private security company in cote d’ivoire in her name as the next of kin. We are contacting you with due sense of humanity that you will give it a sympathetic and mutual consideration. We are honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways. (1)Serve as guardian of this fund, and come visit the security company here to retrieve the consignment. (2)Make arrangement for me to come to your country, and secure a residential permit for me. (3)Provide good investment plans for the fund, and manage for 5 years, during the investment period. I am willing to offer you 15 % of the total sum as compensation for your effort /input after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas, before the investments starts. And, I have mapped 5% for any expenses that might be incurred during the course of this transaction. Anticipating hearing from you immediately. Best Regards. Edward Mezvinsky, future Father-inlaw to Chelsea Clinton.

Local Writers Wife Wishes Husband Had Real Job

In a violent display of hatred last Tuesday, Ruth Henneberger, wife of Vent Magazine Publisher, William Henneberger, finally let the truth be known. Her outburst came after nearly three full years of working, while her husband sat around and attempted to, as he claims, “start a cultural revolution”. “I work hard everyday,” Ruth exclaimed, “and what do I come home to… a lazy bum watching another rerun of Malcolm in the Middle. Forget that, it’s time

for that freeloader to get a job.” William, who is hard at work planning some thing or publicity stunt or abstract idea, that will never actually happen, explained, as his wife rolled her eyes, that The Vent is not just a magazine, but a movement. “The Vent is about doing something creative, and encouraging others to do something creative,” he said, “and at the same time, it is about looking busy, so that my wife won’t make me get a job working for some douche.

Experts on this matter say, that the brilliant writer and marketing genius, has made an art form out of convincing his wife of a glorious future, where she never has to work again and the, what have so far been mythical, profits from his publication, keep her adorned in the finest garments and fragrances Sears has to offer. “I have a lot of clients, well not a lot, but none the less, my lovely wife is my most important client,” William offered, “that’s why she is on the 5-year

By William Henneberger

plan. If she works for the next 5 years, then she will never have to work again. I mean, wouldn’t you sign up on that plan if you could? I would. Shoooot.” Ruth has consulted with several economists who revealed that the 5-year plan is quite flawed. The first sign of this being that it started out as the 2-year plan. Furthermore, Williams business plan is faulty, as it shows a decline in time spent selling ads, and an overwhelming increase in days spent thinking up cool sh*t. V

Dead To Me Obits Glee 2009-2009

The Fox television musical, Glee, is now dead to me. Enjoyed by the masses, Glee was referred to by Rolling Stone Magazine as “the gayest show ever,” and by Entertainment Weekly as television’s “happiest” hour. But that was not the cause of death. Sure, there’s some great music on the show. The soundtrack is not dead to me. I can buy unattractive, nerdy, outcasts making good music—I was in choir in high school. That’s the only part of the show that is believable. The show is filled with unreal, over-exaggerated, clichés that we’re expected to just accept. I was also in theater in college, I acted in L.A. and worked at a thrift store called Out of the Closet, so I know plenty of gay people, and have plen-ty of gay friends. And, no one in the world is as gay as Kurt, the gay kid on the show. I even knew a gay kid in high school who is now a woman, and he wasn’t as gay as Kurt. And, I grew up with two pretty close black friends, and had a few in the Army, and no one is as black as Mercedes Jones. Even that name is cliché. And no one is that gay or that black especially in suburban Ohio, where the show takes place. No one is as stupid as cliché dumb jock Finn, or as bitchy as cliché bitchy cheerleader Quinn. These ailments were only part of Glee’s death to me. Glee died of the same death as the great show Happy Days—it jumped the shark. A few episodes back, the show tried to show a lighter side to the horrible villain of the show, Sue, by showing her in the final scene reading to her sister with Down Syndrome. Every episode is a new drastic attempt to tug at heart-strings whether it’s at the expense of a kid in a wheelchair played by a guy who can actually walk, or a deaf choir whose performance is interrupted by the stars of the show singing over them to make it sound “prettier.” F you Glee, your minority-hating, handicapped-mocking a** is dead to me. V


CCCCCC Losing Millions On Columbus Clone Project

With the Memorial Coliseum issue finally making some headway, and the repair of the Columbus Replica Ships a very real possibility in 2010. Citizens have turned their attention to yet another blunder on the City Councils part. “The Corpus Christi Center for Christopher Columbus Cloning [CCCCCC] is costing tax payers millions of dollars a month to create


and maintain the numerous clones of Christopher Columbus,” declared John Kelly, a local activist. “Something needs to be done immediately in order to ensure that the council abides by the city’s master cloning plan, set forth in 1994.” In the early 90’s when Corpus Christi was still salvageable, city leaders leased the three replicas of the Columbus ships from Spain, in an effort to boost tourism to our city. Not more than a few months later, the fleet’s glory had faded and the City Council needed to act fast. An arrangement was proposed by, Dr. Mike Drucker, a brilliant geneticist to create, here in Corpus Christi, the first ever, human cloning factory. The council decided against it, however they did choose to contract the doctor, for only 36 million dollars, to create a clone of Christopher

Columbus, to live on the three replica ships, and interact with tourist. “We all thought it was a great idea,” says John Marez, current City Councilman and lifetime CC resident, “until the clone ate that baby in 1996. Unfortunately, the CCCCCC created the clone too perfectly, and it retained all the flaws and characteristics of the true Christopher Columbus. Which to top it off included a predilection for date rape.” Experts have since discovered that 500 years ago baby eating, was not at all uncouth and in fact often times necessary for survival on extended journeys. Still, the exhibit was temporarily closed until Dr. Drucker could isolate and remove the baby eating/ date rape genes in Columbus’ DNA. This cost the city another 42 million dollars, but was only the first of many problems to follow. Soon after the genetic issues we’re engineered to the City Council’s liking, the exhibit again opened, but only for 3 days, when it was discovered that the clone became self aware. Upon this discovery, local celebrity, Joe Hilliard gathered citizens and protested the slavery and exploitation of the clone. “If we learned anything from great films like The 6th Day and Multiplicity,” Joe said, “it is that we

By William Henneberger need to give clones their freedom. If not, w e create awkward, slightl y comical, situations where they might have sex with our wives. Let just skip to the end, where we send them out on their own, with an identity pass and a hug.” Since early 1997, the CCCCCC, has created a new Columbus clone every 3 days, and released those who have achieved consciousness. Presently, there are over 1500 Christopher Columbus clones walking among us, as well as the clone that currently remains onsite at the CC Museum of Science and History. The CCCCCC now employs 46 geneticists and a team of 212 specialists to monitor the clones; including twelve 15th Century Spanish interpreters, nine Spanish Historian and two experts on gay looking hats. All of which costs the city over 192 million dollars per year. V

Let’s Cause A Scene

(someone has a case of the Mondays)

By Michael Henneberger

November was a pretty great month for live music in CC, with bands like Styx, REO Speedwagon, The Voodoo Glow Skulls, and Darius Rucker stopping by our little town. And, with a couple of American Idols stopping by Corpus Christi in December, you’ll be able to send 2009 out rockin’. The Vent has always supported the Corpus Christi scene that we grew up on. It has seen better days, but CC doesn’t seem too far from those days anymore. The key to sustaining a music scene is supporting your local bands. A music scene does not survive on national tours alone. These last two months look great, but usually the big shows are few and far between. So, what’s a music lover to do?

SHOW PREVIEW: Monday Dec. 14th – House of Rock – The South Texas Band Review House of Rock could easily be considered the foundation of Corpus Christi’s local rock scene. Not only are they helping to build the scene, but they’re also making it a better one with things like The South Texas Band Review. As the brainchild of House of Rock bartender, Paul Orchard, The S.T. Band Review will not only be a great show with nine bands for $5, but will also be an invaluable experience for all the bands that are participating in it. Heavily Medicated Photography will be on hand taking pictures of the bands, and providing them with professional shots for future promotion. Compass Rose Pro Audio-Video will be recording the live performances and cutting a quality recording for the bands. And, yours truly will be there

reviewing the… u m m … r e v i e w. Each of the bands performing will get a short write-up in a future issue of your favorite local rag (that means this one). It’s not a battle of the bands. I’d say there’s no winner, but with all those perks it seems like everybody wins. Even the spectator wins with such an eclectic marathon of music that can appeal to all tastes. Well, all rock tastes. It is House of ROCK, after all. But the line up is all over the rock and roll board. Acoustic folkrocker, Steven Hanson, originally from Austin, will be performing the softer side of the spectrum. Echo will bring some trippy, psychedelic noise to the night. Jiffy will be keeping ska alive, while The Rogues and Capitol Crimes will be pleasing the punks in the crowd. Days Pass will be rockin’ hard, but not as hard as the three metal bands on the bill— Kingsville’s F**k The Mainstream, Edinburg’s What Lies Between Us, and Beeville’s Built From Ashes. Doors open at 5:30, so the show will start pretty early and you can get to your precious beds on time, or to your tivo’d How I Met Your Mother rerun. Come out and support YOUR scene and YOUR local bands. Bands perform better when there’s a good crowd, so you’ll be helping them out, and maybe you’ll discover a new favorite local band that you can tell all your friends about. I can tell you from experience that The Rogues, or Jiffy, or Capitol Crimes would be worth the $5 by themselves. See you at the show.


Let’s Cause A Scene (someone has a case of the Mondays) SHOW REVIEW: Let’s Scare The Girls/Dine In & Dance/Sunday Night Scene

The Vent finally put its money where its mouth is, and hosted some rock and roll at House of Rock. Saying, “I support the scene” is just as easy as complaining when there isn’t one. And, only saying it is equally as constructive. You have to actually get out there and do something about it. I’m not saying that you have to become a concert promoter, or even put in the time putting flyers under windshield wipers. Just show up. On Monday, November 23rd, we threw a little show at House of Rock with locals Let’s Scare The Girls and Dine In and Dance, and a touring band from Oceanside, NY called Sunday Night Scene. It was a Monday show, so my expectations were not high. Even though this concert was in a town where not a lot is going on, and on a day when almost nothing is going on, I had my doubts in you people. Can you blame me? Since there was about 50 people at the show, and we print 5,000 issues


every two weeks, if you’re reading this you were most likely not at the show. You most likely stayed home and watched a How I Met Your Mother rerun, instead of paying $5 to watch three great bands play a concert that was over by 10 pm. And then you most likely whined about there being nothing to do in this town. But here’s what those 50 people didn’t miss. First of all, the reason most of those people were at the show was because of Let’s Scare The Girls (now called For Years to Come). I had never seen this band live, but I had enough faith in them based on their myspace music—a decent recording of some hardcore/ screamo with some guy/girl back and forth vocals. All I expected from them was a good show. So, I was surprised when there was a small line of kids waiting for the doors to open. They didn’t want to miss a second of Let’s Scare The Girls. The band is made up of five kids, and when I say kids I mean kids. They’re all under 17, and most of them look about 14. There are three guys and two girls, which


really doesn’t matter, except to say that the vocals go back and forth from the band’s screamer, Ray, to the sweet, innocent voice of Lauren, who also plays guitar. You could say this band is pretty good for kids, or for a band with girls, but the truth is this band just kicks ass. Currently, they’re changing things up, so there’s no music on their myspace. But keep checking them out, because if this band is this good and this young, they are definitely a band to watch in our local scene. Dine In and Dance was up next. The first time I saw DI&D was at a local battle of the bands that I judged and they won. Out of the twelve bands that played that night, they were definitely the best, and that’s why I booked them on this show. Like with LSTG, I just expected to hear some good music. Like I said in my review of that battle of the bands, this band is made up of four great musicians, and no one just sits back and plays. It seems like everyone does as much as they can to make whatever song they’re playing sound the best it can. Vocalist, Jared Pena is also a great keyboardist. Guitarist, Lane Palmer adds some great screams every now and then. Danny Coco is an intense and intricate drummer, and bassist, Shane Fling, nails background vocals. This is another band that you can’t judge by their myspace music, because as of now they just have some demos up that

don’t even come close to what they do live. So get out and check them out live. With three very different bands, it was definitely a good night of music that anyone could enjoy. Sunday Night Scene closed out the night with his poppy, acousticdriven, synth-backed, poppy-pop-pop-rock. Like bands The Rocket Summer or PlayR a d i o P l a y, Sunday Night Scene is really one guy—Jimme Coccaro. In case it wasn’t clear, his music is simply pop. It makes you happy and it makes you want to dance. SNS stopped in Corpus on tour to promote his new record America’s Playmate, which is now available on iTunes. He has appropriately shared stages with other pop punk bands like All Time Low and Cartel, and a couple of his videos have gotten some airplay on MTV2 and Fuse. You would think it would be tough for a solo act to follow two great bands, but Jimme jumped on stage a kept the kids moving, and more importantly, kept the kids there. It’s not surprising when people leave after they saw the band they came to see. But I guess when people come out on a Monday night, it’s because they love music and appreciate when they can get it. So, Sunday Night Scene made some new fans, and some music lovers learned about a new up and coming band that could soon be on one of these major national tours that will stop in San Antonio, and then turn around. V

Corpus Christi Entertainment Calendar

Tues. 12/1

Mon. 12/7

Wed. 12/2

Tues. 12/8

Clarissa Serna Acoustic -Revolution Dj Dus -Big Daddy’s Dj Mike Mo -Revolution Comedy, Videos, Trivia With Berto -House Of Rock Let’s Talk About It Book Club -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room

Thurs. 12/3

Dj Joey -Revolution Grady Skelton -Executive Surf Club Jason Boland W/ Johnny Cooper -Brewster Street Icerays Vs. Arizona Sundogs -American Bank Center

Fri. 12/4

Dj Mike Mo -Revolution Live Streaming Dj -The Havana Club Another Level -Executive Surf Club Cavegirl, Sarus -Texan The Spazmatics -Brewster Street Spiritual Cinema -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse Butchered Saint, Canthamer, Demonted, Death Instinct -Zeroz John Cortez Band -The Mug Room

Sat. 12/5

B.E.G.G.A.R.S. - House of Rock Live Streaming Dj -The Havana Club Captain Legendary Band -Executive Surf Club Xaphron -Texan Trisum -Brewster Street Icerays Vs. Allen Americans -American Bank Center All Level Yoga Class -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room Stuart Burns 1 Man 1 Guitar -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse Front Toward Enemy, Elude Fearra, Awaiting Oblivion, Sick Sanctuary -Zeroz Flatbroke -Padre Island Burger Company The Sound Channel -The Mug Room

Sun. 12/6

Songwriters Showcase Hosted By Rev Fred (Hobo) Featuring Terri Hendrix & Lloyd Maines -House Of Rock A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse Savor-The Mug Room

Kelly Clarkson, Eric Hutchinson, Parachute Clarissa Serna Acoustic -Revolution Dj Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 12/9

Dj Mike Mo -Revolution

Thurs. 12/10

Dj Joey -Revolution Grady -House Of Rock

Fri. 12/11

Dj Mike Mo -Revolution Young Machines, Dj Johnny Hotcakes -House Of Rock Live Streaming Dj -The Havana Club Hilda Lamas -Executive Surf Club Daughtry, Theory of a Deadman, Cavo Celtic & Gypsy Music & Dance -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room Winchester -Texan Metal Shop -Brewster Street A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse Manifesto, F.T.M., Lying To Sick Children, Blasturds -Zeroz Sons Of The Beach -Padre Island Burger Company

Sat. 12/12

After Dark Revue Burlesque With The Flamin Hell Cats -House Of Rock Live Streaming Dj -The Havana Club Sun Salutation -Executive Surf Club Necurat, Anal Plague, Aggravater -Texan Oso Texas -Brewster Street Icerays Vs. Missouri Mavericks -American Bank Center All Level Yoga Class -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse The Hectic, Tx. Hate Machine, Sarus -Zeroz

Sun. 12/13

A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse

Mon. 12/14

The South Texas Band Review: Steven Hansen, Echo The Band, Jiffy, Built From Ashes, What Lies Between Us, Days Pass, F.T. Mainstream, The Rogues, Capital Crimes -House Of Rock WWE Monday Night Raw -American Bank Center

Tues. 12/15

Clarissa Serna Acoustic -Revolution Dj Dus -Big Daddy’s

Wed. 12/16

Dj Mike Mo -Revolution Small Business Christmas Party Feat. Scarecrow People -Brewster Street All That Remains, The Devil Wears Prada, Story Of The Year, Haste The Day -Concrete St. Let’s Talk About It Book Club -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room

Thurs. 12/17

Dj Joey -Revolution Shawn Pander -Executive Surf Club Kevin Fowler W/ Granger Smith -Brewster Street Icerays Vs. Laredo Bucks -American Bank Center

Fri. 12/18

Dj Mike Mo -Revolution Coastal Bend Horror Society Pres “Merry Hexmas” Xapharon, Unsuture, Angerfist -House Of Rock Aloha Dave And The Tourist -Executive Surf Club A Christmas Carol -Harbor Playhouse Capital Crimes, Avenue Rockers, Exile -Texan Scarecrow People -Brewster Street Icerays Vs. Rio Grande Valley -American Bank Center The Nutcracker -Selena Send Listings to:


Living The Dream Chapter 5

The Line and the Art of Smuggling After a few bumps, we arrive at the front gates of Rothbury around 8a on Thursday. Some guys in the line next to ours ask for help pushing their VW Bus through the gate. They say they had driven from Pennsylvania but the bus caught fire about 40 miles from Rothbury. They had pushed it the rest of the way. These are definitely my people. “Everyone, step out of the vehicle!” commands the security agent at the gate. We oblige her, not wanting to start a conflict…yet. She asks us if we have any bottles. “No.” We lie. Here’s the thing about security guards: they have a job to do. You have to allow them to do their job. Their job is to confiscate what they find. Don’t haggle with them. Don’t plead with them. There are many ways to achieve the desired result: 1. Lie. If they ask you if you have any bottles, say no; even if your entire automobile is made out of bottles and you are currently drinking from a beer hat that is holding 6 bottles and a glass blower. Just say no. Nancy Reagan taught me that. For many security guards, that’s all they require. You say no, their asses are covered. Have a nice day. Move along. 2. Conceal your contraband as best you can. Make ‘em look for it if that’s what they choose. Put all of the bottles at the bottom of the ice chest; all the cans on top. Make ‘em dig around. They get real tired of having their hands in dirty ice all day and they’ll lose their give-a-shit at some point. Don’t have your nitrous tank in the passenger seat with a cowboy hat and a seatbelt on. They’ll take it. Secret it underneath the seat with a blanket over the top. Most of the time its ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ But in the terribly upsetting event that you begin having items confiscated do not lose hope! The battle is not yet lost… 3. Bribery. We have used this in the past to great effect. 20 bucks gets you right in, but then you have 20 bucks less to spend on things you like. It really should only be used as your final option of desperation. This option also works if you’re not happy with your campsite… 4. Re-confiscate your inventory. This is the best option in this situation. The security team will grab your bottles, set them by (or in) the 10

trashcan, then return to your car to grab more bottles. You follow right behind them, pick your bottles back up, put them right back in the car. If the cycle repeats itself for long enough, the security guards become overwhelmed and give up. It’s just a matter of time. Also, this is a good time for your friends in the line behind you to start filling your car up with their goodies. You must always remain focused on your goal which is to smuggle your entire inventory through the gate. Never surrender, never falter. You must imagine that you are running an underground railroad for contraband and you will NOT leave a man behind. You get bonus points if you get through the gate with more than just your inventory. We use a mixture of options 1, 2, and, most importantly, 4 this time around. I also throw in a little of option 5: flirting. Cammo has live rounds of ammunition just sitting in his cup holder. I flirt with the lady a bit and we’re waved through. We do a quick inventory: 1. 24 bottles Sam Adams 2. 24 bottles Shiner Bock 3. 12 bottles Heineken 4. 24 bottles Oberon 5. 24 bottles Corona 6. 90 Cans Busch 7. 60 cans Miller Lite 8. 30 cans Miller High Life 9. 4 liters bottled Man’s Game Moonshine 10. 2 liters bottled Cranberry Infused Woman’s Game Moonshine 11. 3 cases water 12. Quarter ounce blow 13. Dozen eggs 14. 48 slices cheese 15. 2 loaves sliced bread 16. 2 loaves French bread 17. 2 grams Sass Mali 18. 2 lbs. frozen chili 19. 2 lbs. frozen fettuccine alfredo 20. 1 lb. bacon 21. 2 ganja chocolate bars 22. 1 box pancake mix 23. 2 large screen tents 24. 4 sleeping tents 25. 1 yellow, smiley-face Frisbee 26. 1 ounce kind bud 27. 1 coffee table 28. 24 hot dogs 29. 1 Texas flag and flagpole 30. 2 cots 31. 1/4 ounce magic mushrooms 32. 1 Coleman stove 33. 1 house rug 34. 4 hunting knives 35. 2 cases live 7.62 ammunition

M.A. Farmer 36. No condoms The next station is where they check out tickets and apply wrist bands. We hand them our tickets but Logan relates that he needs to step out of the car to show his. He unfolds a massive, poster-sized ticket and displays it proudly. All activity at the gate stops and everyone gives him a round of applause. He printed his ticket on the printer used to print geological maps! It’s hilarious! The laser scanner’s beam isn’t wide enough to read the barcode. This is why I like Logan…impeccable timing. He could have been bragging about his absurdly large ticket from the moment he stepped off of the train in Holland. But he waited until we arrived at the gate to reveal his secret. Well played! The line of cars crawling into the campsites is not moving very much at all. Reading my mind, Hobbes jumps out of the car and starts directing traffic as if he knows what he’s doing. Perfectly executed. The line moves right along and our entire caravan is together. This might be the best crew we’ve ever had at a festival. Cammo and I share a look with each other. Like proud parents.

Chapter 6:

Sherwood Forest We eat the mali as the sun gently falls into the majesty of Lake Michigan. We’re ready to head down to the shows. In order to get to the stages, a Rothburger must pass through what is marked on the map as ‘Sherwood Forest.’ Quaint. I wonder if Robin Hood will jump out at us. No doubt we’ll see plenty of ‘merry men.’ But the forest is more breathtaking than anything the wealth of Prince John could aspire to. Upon crossing the threshold into the forest we are transfixed by the most amazing spectacle of our lives. The forest is populated with 70-fttall pine trees that have been decorated with LEDs and artwork. Between the trees hang string lights that have all been programmed to change colors in sequence. The forest absolutely breathes color. Pinks and lavenders, oranges and ambers all flowing as one. An angelic circulatory system of serenity. It is comfortably quiet. Throngs of people stand affixed and awed. Twenty thousand of us bathe in its peace. My previous idea of heaven seems blasphemous compared to Sherwood. “Have you ever seen anything like

Hippy...with money

it?” Hobbes is enthralled. We all are. We all answer as one, “No. Never.” Between the trees, closer to ground level than the string lights, hang hammocks. Free hammocks. Well, hammocks at no charge…they are almost always occupied. Off the path and into the wild of the forest we spot a bar and order some Shiner Bock. Oh! The Texas beer is always welcomed as a close family member to my digestive system, but it’s particularly sensuous on my tongue tonight. Logan points to something in the distance excitedly, “What is that?!” “I have no idea,” a voice which reminds me of my own replies. The voice was produced by using my diaphragm and vocal chords. More-than-likely this is my voice, but I can’t be sure. The object which caught Logan’s attention is a 50-foot-long Indian-styled shrine made of ornate gold, tassels, bells, whistles, and magic. We absolutely have to take a closer look. Beyond the shrine are tables and chairs…and…a dance floor…and…a stage! What could possibly happen on this stage? Ask Sherwood a question and you will receive an answer. The stage lights go up. I look at Logan. He looks at me. I look at Hobbes. Hobbes looks at the girl standing next to him. The girl standing next to him is looking at Shane. Shane is looking at the stage. I look at the stage and notice the burlesque dancer performing 4 ft from my head. I look at Logan. Logan looks at the burlesque dancer then looks at me. I look at Hobbes. Hobbes looks at Logan and me. After we all mentally high-five one another we look at the burlesque dancer who is performing 4 ft from our heads. “Are you fucking serious?!” the guy behind me, who may or may not be using my voice again, screams. My previous idea of heaven now reeks like the Jersey shore on colostomy bag day. We, again, look at each other and feel that we’re all on the same exact page. Anyone who has shared this experience understands. The girl next to Shane perfectly captures the majesty of this indescribable and relentlessly pleasant place when she looks at us, mouth agape, eyes wide with amazement, and says, “The Rothburies taste like Rothburies.”


Excerpts from the book 'The Weak Become Heroes'

I’m Not a Notch, I’m the Belt I

’ve had to assume a pseudonym. I’m not ashamed of myself, and I don’t feel guilty for my lifestyle, but it has become harder to enjoy my standard of living when my real name is attached to the stories of my experiences. I guess I haven’t watched enough “Sex and the City” to know how Carrie Bradshaw did it. I don’t claim to be a player. I don’t lie to women to get them in bed. I’m also not a one-night stand kind of guy. Why have a one-night stand when you can have a 10-night stand? Sure, sometimes I can be an a$$h*le, but not any more than the average man or woman. Okay, so I write more about those women who have more of a temporary status, but I never use real names, thus avoiding any deliberate hurt or embarrassment. But this time, the story is about me. Lately, It seems like a lot of girls I’ve “gone out with” have all had the same line: “You’re not going to write about this, are you?” Of course I usually say what they want to hear, and most of the time I stick to it. But they all know I write this column, and they all still risk appearing in it. I know what you must be thinking: “These women must be sluts with no respect for themselves.” But, believe it or not, I’ve heard this from college girls, college grads, women with careers, and women I’ve gone home with after meeting at a bar. They are all different types, yet they all pretend like they don’t want to be the star of their own episode. The ones I haven’t written about didn’t ask me not to because they knew what we were doing was more than just adding another chapter to our stories. If one of these girls asks me not too write about them, it’s because they already sense that what we are doing can fit into a column that’s usually around 500 words. So, I’ve had to accept the fact that I’ve become a trophy f**k in two different ways. Some girls want to go home

By Ken Affleck

with me, not necessarily so they can see their story in print, but I don’t know, maybe for bragging rights? These girls know the magazine, know the column, and even cite lines from previous stories. Of course that’s flattering to me, but it also tells me that these girls know what to expect from me, and that they aren’t trying to get to know me. And since I’m a dude, and I like sex, that’s fine with me. Use me ladies, and tell all your friends. The sad part is I usually don’t see those girls a second time. In fact, this is what tipped me off to my status as a trophy f**k. Like I said, I don’t lie to women, and I’d never lie to my readers. I’m not always great in bed. There have been times when I’ve gone for hours, changing positions, services, and locations, and there have been times when it was just drunk-in-bed-get-what-we-need-andcall-it-a-night sex. All women are different. Sometimes it takes a few times to figure each other out, and sometimes you just don’t care. But it was after a couple of the great one-nighters that should not have been one-nighters that I figured it out. The other way is that I’ve become the challenge. There are the girls who know the column, and cite lines from it (again, flattering), but will try to be the challenging one for bragging rights. “I went home with him but I just made out with him. He wanted to have sex with me, but I wouldn’t let him.” And because I’m a dude, and I like sex, I don’t put up with that for very long. I’m fine being used, as long as I’m getting something out of it too. Ladies, you don’t sound very smart when you say, “Yeah, I went home with the guy who writes the sex column, and can you believe he wanted to have sex with me? What a jerk!” No one wants to get to know the real me. I’m just a sex object to these people. Can I get some sympathy here? V 11

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