xxx A Letter From Gay Santa xxx. xxx Letters to Gay Santa xxx
Ho Ho Ho
Send letters and naked pics to:
It’s been a couple hundred years now, and I feel comfortable enough to ﬁnally “come out” to the world. That’s right boys and girls, dear old Santa is a holiday fruitcake. Don’t worry though kiddies, not to much is gonna change, I’ll still be sneaking into your homes late at night while you sleep, and making all your desires come true. I’ll just be cruising a different kind of Ho Ho Ho. To prove that all is well as far as gifts go, I’ve got some goodies for some of you right now. The ﬁrst 10 people to call 361-549-6213 and ask for Gay Santa are gonna have a pair of tickets to the Brad Williams Comedy Show waiting in their stoking Christmas Morning (see ad on page 7). Also, if you check out the interview on page 10 you can ﬁnd out how to score a couple of tickets to see the Toadies. I am also jolly to announce that the Vent Daily has introduced a new segment to the magazine titled “Gay By the Bay”. This will be a monthly installment in Corpus Christi’s True Alternative Monthly, so be sure to send in your input and comments b*tches. That’s all I have for now, there is still enough time before Christmas for some of you to get your sh*t together… Eric Von Wade that includes you, if you want a certain new semi-automatic crossbow under your tree, you better stop being such a douche… and Evonne Gottsch, it’s not very nice to hog all that Concrete Street advertising cash, those guys at the Vent have got kids to feed. Fairy Christmas, to all and to all a good night. Gay Santa
Dear Gay Santa
My name is tyler and Ive been very very good. I always do what my parents ask me to do. I always brush my teeth before bed and I always go to bed on time. And when my daddy tucks me in, I always let him touch my peepee. But you already know that because daddy says that you are always watching and that if I don’t let him tuch my peepee that you will put me on the naughty list. So…I let him every night so here is my christmas list.
my best to be good this year. I know I havent been the best 12 year old in the world and you probably saw what I let Diego do to me under the jungle gym during p.e. since you’re always watching me. And then after Diego a couple days later with Marquez. I really wanted to stop but then the next week I let Eric do it and then his brother Demetri. But other than that…and Steven, I’ve been really really good this year. Oh yeah and Albert. But I think Ive been good enough to get one present from you. All I want this Christmas is my innocence back.
Nintendo DS All the Transformers Universe MicroMarcy masters Age 12 Kareoke Machine New Spongebob sheets Tyler Age 9
Dear Gay Santa
My name is jonny and I am 7 years old. For this crismas I don’t care about a Wii, I jus want my daddy back. I miss him a lot. The police took him away for hitting my mommy in the face. But to tell you the truth Santa my mommy asks for it. Sometimes she interups my daddy while he is watching football or having daddy time at the computer and daddy yells at her and she yells back. Doesn’t she know her role? I know Im only 7 but even I know when you yell at daddy you get hit. She should have expected it. Anyway santa…please bring my daddy back. And you can do whatever you want with my mommy… shes a dumb bitch.
Dear Gay Santa,
I hope you’re checking your email. My parents say that I’m too old to be writing you but I can’t afford to take the risk. I won’t tell you my age because they’re probably right (beside, you already know). I recently had a little run in with a girl who wouldn’t tell me her age. See, I don’t tell people my age because I’m super old and lame, so I just assumed that she was embarrassed by how old she was, like most women. Anyway, one rooﬁe lead to another and turns out she 14 and wasn’t on the pill after all. Looks like I’m gonna be a daddy. So here’s the thing. I don’t need a crib, or baby clothes. Here’s what I need Santa… “take care of it”. You know what I mean. So, even if you have to come down here yourself with the wire hanger… please help me out.
Love, Jonny Age 7
Dear Gay Santa
P.S. I’ve CC’d Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Satan, and Charleton Heston on this email.
It’s Marcy in corpus christy. Ive tried
The Vent Daily’s Monthly News
CC Man OD’s on Scrubs Re-runs By William Henneberger
Police were called to the Paradise Bay apartments over the weekend after a local man was discovered in a vegetative state on his living room sofa. Investigators are puzzled, as initial reports indicate that there were no signs of alcohol or narcotics. Chief of Police Bryan Smith believes, however, that he has the answer to this would-be mystery. “This isn’t the ﬁrst case like this,” says Smith, “we get at least 10 calls every month reporting similar circumstances. The doctor will need to conﬁrm this, but to me it’s quite obvious that this man overdosed on the popular and very addictive TV show Scrubs.” Upon investigation it was clear that these overdoses are all too common, and have been affecting viewers since Scrubs went into a syndication frenzy or what Touchstone executives are referring to as “Cha-Ching” “Cha-Ching” is the latest fad among twenty-somethings, and what’s even more shocking, is that some of the wittier teenagers in the area are get-
ting “Scrubbed” up to 4 times a day, ﬁve nights a week, sometimes in back to back doses. Rebecca Brownstone, mother of two college dropouts currently living in her basement, demands that show creator / drug lord Bill Lawrence, stop peddling his junk to her children. “Scrubs has ruined my kid’s lives,” she exclaimed, “my son changed the dog’s name to Dr. Cox, and won’t stop trying to gain his acceptance, not to mention the dog has never been more of a sarcastic ass. My daughter,” she continued, “has been dating a black guy named Chris, who is more of a street pharmacist than a surgeon, and when I confronted her… she answered me in Spanish!” One anonymous recovering addict shared his frustrating struggle, saying, “At ﬁrst I was getting ‘scrubbed’ once a week, but once I knew that I
Prostitution Prices At All-Time Low (So We Hear)
By Mike Lowry
could get my ‘J.D.-Turk man love’ ﬁx nine times a day, I was scheduling my life around the TV Guide. Scrubs is like heroine, and I’ve chased that damn dragon, from TBS to WGN and even Comedy Central. You just can’t catch that son of a b*tch.” Doctors all over the country are studying the phenomenon, but have yet to discover a cure or deterrent. The main symptoms of this addiction are: goofy looks; excessive narration; use of the phrase “Chocolate Bear;” and ultimately dementia and extreme lethargy. With no hope in the near future, Police Chief Smith is simply advising all television viewers to avoid any and all broadcast of this life corrupting TV Show.
Infected Doctor Says, Herpes Isn’t Contagious, Baby By Chief Medical Reporter Kerri Kendall
There has apparently been a new development in the study of sexually transmitted diseases, says a doctor who asked to remain anonymous, and then asked to be called Dr. Love. When I had my ﬁrst and last encounter with Dr. Love, it was as surprising as the new herpes information. I walked up to the bar at a local club and overheard him say, “What do I do? I’m a doctor and tonight I’m celebrating a groundbreaking medical discovery that is going to change the world!” As The Vent’s chief medical reporter, I thought, “Great, The Vent is about to get another scoop. Take that FYI!” Plus, it’s always good to have another source in the medical ﬁeld. Sure, I had had a couple of drinks by this time—okay, a lot of drinks—but a good reporter is always thinking about her next story. I approached the good doctor and began my impromptu interview. I walked up and introduced myself. “Are you really a doctor?” I asked. “Yep…look here’s my business
card.” Sure enough, the preﬁx “Dr.” preceded his name. “Where do you work?” I asked. “I have a private practice. Why? Do you need your privates practiced?” Oooo…a doctor with a sense of humor. Maybe I will make mom and dad proud after all. At ﬁrst Dr. Love was a bit humble about his work. “You know, you may get more information out of me if you get more liquor in me…we should do tequila shots,” he said. Okay, two more tequila shots tonight won’t make a difference. A small price to pay for another scoop. After a few more drinks, Dr. Love showed his considerate side, “Do you want to get out of here? It’s very loud and I’d hate to be misquoted in your story or for you to miss any important information.” Sweet, charming, funny and a doctor—remember, it said so on his business card—it only made sense to move to a quieter place, like his place.
When we got to his place, I asked about the groundbreaking medical discovery. “So, you’re interested in my huge medical breakthrough?” he said. Then we kissed. Sure the line between business and pleasure was getting blurry, but so was everything else. We got into his bedroom, and he turned off the light. I turned it back on—I was taking notes. He took off his pants and that’s when I saw it…or them. Herpes, all over his holy trinity. “You have herpes?” I said. “Yeah, but that’s the big medical breakthrough, baby: Herpes isn’t contagious,” he responded, taking off the rest of his clothes. “Trust me, I’m a doctor.” And those were the last things I wrote down. He turned off the light and we made sweet bumpy schlong love. The next morning I woke up and Dr. Love was gone, herpes and all. It’s been two whole weeks since my encounter with the private practitioner and still no herpes. So, it must be true.
With Oil at a record $95 dollars per barrel and Real Estate rates peaking, the last thing going down on you are prices. However, when it comes to prostitution, the word on the street is that prices are lower than the midget who works Staples and Leopard. “We all just think that with the way things are in the world today, somebody’s gotta be looking out for the little guy…and his two friends,” said area whore and columnist, Scabby, “You don’t become the ‘world’s oldest profession’ unless you really care about your customers” While many businesses strictly adhere to the rule of “supply and demand,” Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart agrees with Scabby, “That whore’s got the right idea… it’s all about servicing the customers.” “Ten years ago, you’d pay a good $25 just to get a ‘hand shake’ from one of these broads. And that was from that Leopard trash or something you could pick up out in the Bluff—not from the high-class girls working Alameda,” says Derek Von Dade, a local resident, “Now, the things these girls will do to ‘Sloth and The Goonies’ for $10 are just insane. I’m talking rusty trombone, the Alaskan Firedragon, the upside-down cheese grater, and now for the same $25, I can get a Panamanian Petting Zoo or a Kentucky Klondike Bar. I mean, that’s what somebody told me. Umm… someone who, umm…an anonymous source, yeah… an anonymous source, who knows a lot about paying for sex. I had to ask him because I know absolutely nothing about it. I just researched by asking people. I swear.” Another anonymous source, not me, believes the price drop is due to the fact that prices of smack, crack, malt liquor and diapers have all dipped over the last two quarters. “We whores aren’t a greedy folk. We’re just hard working Americans, or hard working people who are just trying to achieve the American dream, an honest days work and no AIDS.” Financial experts al over the country agree that America owes prostitutes a big “thumbs up”…up where, well that just depends on whether America has a ﬁve, ten or twenty on him.
Brand New, I’m not your prom date or your prison bitch, if you want my love, you gotta work for it. Review of Brand New in S.A. By Mike Henneberger A music critic has to be able to set apart bad bands from the good ones no matter how many flat screen TVs record labels send you or how costly the dinners and hookers are. It’s a sad day when your favorite band takes that fall from the heavens of being great to the hell of being just...eeehhh. Unlike some other Corpus Christi critics out there, I know maintaining your credibility as a music critic means sometimes you have to say something sucks and unfortunately, this time maintaining my cred comes at the expense of one of my favorite bands. I’m the last to claim that I’m too cool for emo. And yeah, that term has become so broad to cover just any band with a swoopy haired lead singer in skinny jeans. I will also be the last to argue what “emo” means. I really don’t care. I listen to everything and I like most of it (yes, I was pissed when I heard JaRule was here and I missed him). But today, I’m Judas and this review is my kiss on the cheek of emo(ish) rockers, Brand New. But unlike Jesus, these bastards asked for it. A couple of weeks ago, I caught Brand New in San Antonio. Unfortunately, I missed one of my new favorites, Me Without You, who may have been able to single handedly make this show worth the drive. So, Thrice and Me Without You, you guys are off the hook. Brand New, you douchebags owe me a tank of gas. I got there just in time to catch the last three or four songs from Thrice. I’m not their biggest fan, but even I was pleased by what they brought. They’re good guys and great musicians and from the response of the crowd they know how to respect their fans. In this case, that means ending with the power sing/scream along, “The Earth Will Shake” with the little addition of an extra drummer and two percussionists tempting even the strongest of prides to join the crowd in a unisoned headbang. After a twenty-five minute soundcheck, then a five-minute wait (I wish I was exaggerating) Brand New began. I suppose I could hate on their try-hard-to-be-hip wardrobe choices of winter hats, hoodies (with hoods up, of course) and jackets in San Antonio, in November, but this is a music review and there’s plenty of bad to cover in just the music category. It’s been thirty minutes since the last note of live music when singer, Jesse Lacey, steps up to the microphone, no words, no greeting (man, he’s so cool), just straight into “Not The Sun” from their last record “The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me”. You know that song, right? No? Neither did anyone else. It wasn’t a single or one of the three songs they’ve played while cruising the late night talk show circuit, it’s just...a song. Oh yeah...and we can’t forget the four guitars and two drummers on the opening song. What are we overcompensating for here fellas? And why are the two drummers playing
the same thing? Can’t we just turn the first drum set up? Lacey went on doing his best Bobcat Goldthwait, butchering melodies and screaming where screaming doesn’t belong kind of like a tourettes patient. After about six songs, thy scene royalty actually graced we peons with a greeting...one word...twice, “Hello, hello”. That’s it. We eventually got a “thanks for coming out” but Lacey had the frontman tact of a high school kid nervously playing his favorite Fall Out Boy cover at the annual talent show because mom told him he was special and could do it. Which reminds me of one of the most offensive things I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve always believed that covering Weezer’s “Undone - The Sweater Song” is one of the worst moves a band can make after 1996. Until this day, I had never seen anyone other than the aforementioned high school bands that my band always beat at the talent show do so. That is, until Jesse Lacey and his acoustic guitar reached a new low with their super emo (and totally serious) version of the song. “Hey Brand New, can this show possibly suck more?” “We’re glad you asked, how about we play almost every song off our new record and absolutely no songs off of our fan favorite first album ‘Your Favorite Weapon’?” “Touche’! But wait, you have to play “Jude Law and a semester abroad”, your first single that launched you into the earbuds of emo kids everywhere.” (Middle fingers raised at fans) “F*#K you. we’re Brand New, you already paid for your tickets, we don’t have to do S#*T. Here’s another one of the songs you skip on our new record!” Finally, the show ended and left me feeling like I just saw an elementary school class attempt to perform Shakespeare. Of course... there was still an encore, which should be worth the wait since Brand New still hasn’t played their biggest single “The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows” off of their most successful album “Deja Entendu”. Five minutes pass. They must be getting all of their energy back to rock us with all the good songs they left out. The guys all come back out and start rocking out instrumental style... for eight minutes! An eight minute instrumental!? It begins to fade. “Watch, they’re going to go into “Quiet things” and the crowd will go crazy,” I say confidently to my friends around me. Nope. The band sets their instruments down and like the drunk, blonde, tease you take home from the party, they get you all worked up with something that’s really not that great and then leave you unsatisfied and unfulfilled. Brand New...this is what garages and girlfriends were made for. Don’t subject your fans to your half ass ego feeding jam sessions. You guys owe me...big time!
Toadies: Done Playing Possum The Vent talks to Vaden Todd Lewis
Great Scott!! Park the DeLorean and carefully store that plutonium, we all miss the Toadies but, now there’s no need to travel back in time. December 18th (2007!!), The Toadies will be bringing their reunion tour to the ghetto of Corpus Christi for a stop at Concrete Street Amphitheater. Okay, so it was only six years ago when the Toadies “ofﬁcially” broke up. But, it’s been about 13 since the release of “Rubberneck” the record that reached platinum status and launched these Texas favorites to national notoriety and made them one of the greats of the grunge era. Recently, I stepped into my time-traveling phone booth and dialed up Toadies (and Burden Brothers) lead singer, Vaden Todd Lewis and talked to him about the inspiration behind the tour and the past and future of his two bands. “I always have to work and we had a couple of guys in my other band the Burden Brothers decide to bow out which lead to us to not be able to tour for a while and, quite frankly not wanting to tour a while because we had busted our balls for a straight year and it was time to take a break. But after sitting at home for a couple of days I just got antsy and called up the guys to see if they wanted to do it, and they did so we decided to put it together,” said Lewis. “The guys” he’s referring to will be drummer Mark Reznicek, guitarist Clark Vogeler and Mark Hughes on bass, who took over bass duty on all Toadies’ farewell shows and reunion shows since 2001 when Lisa Umbarger left the band. This tour shouldn’t be too much for the guys to handle. Over the last two years they’ve met up for a handful of spot dates and another mini-tour earlier this year. But, with the band coming back together so much recently and the Burden Brothers on an “indeﬁnite hiatus”, could this tour be the tip of the comeback iceberg? If so, Lewis isn’t letting on, “Right now I’m kind of just looking at it as a tour. We’ve got these shows and then we’ve got a couple more right after Christmas. That’s enough to occupy my time for now…but deﬁnitely I’m not putting the Burden Brothers down permanently…the Burden brothers are taking a break and I’m doing this in the interim, that’s the way I approach it.” So, if you’re a Toadies fan this show will have to satisfy the hunger you’ve had for years, and, take in as much as you can because Lewis has no promises on a new record in the future or even new material at the show. “We’re gonna try to mix it up a little bit, we’ll see what happens. Maybe throw in some curves, we always try to throw in a little something in there that’s out of leftﬁeld or for the hardcore fans.” On December 18th, we’ll see if there are any surprises that we can base assumptions on. As for Lewis’ other project, The Burden Brothers, and their indeﬁnite hiatus, “sure there’s a contract for another record but its not anything that anyone’s gonna get bent out of shape about. My management company and my record label are the same people and there job is to keep me busy and they’re doing a great job,” says Lewis. Send your thank you letters to Kirtland Records. Maybe if you guys get a little more “bent out of shape” we’ll see even more of these guys. The Toadies will be rocking Concrete Street Amphitheater along with Girl in a Coma and Lions. Show starts at 7pm.
The Vent Daily is giving away a pair of tickets to the Toadies show. Go to myspace.com/theventnation and send a message with your name and phone number for your chance to win.
DECember Music Calendar Fri. Nov. 30 Bitter End, Sudden Death, False Reason, The Golden Age -The Compound Flashback -Executive Surf Club
Get Some Featuring Djs Fabian & Brandon R, Mike C, Fuze Irie, Advan –House of Rock The Britt Lloyd Band -Executive Surf Club
sun. Dec. 9 sat. Dec. 1 The Groove –Dr. Rockit’s The Destro -The Compound Master Blaster & Supa Phat -Revolution The Golden Meanies, Amplified Heat, The Ugly Beats –House of Rock Phil Pritchett -Executive Surf Club
Seven Generations w/Low Rise –Dr. Rockit’s Chartreuse –Mulligan’s At All Cost, Stringer, The Golden Age, The Seduction, When Empire Fails –House of Rock Lamb of God & Killswitch Engage, DevilDriver, Soilwork –Concrete Street
sun. Dec. 2
mon. Dec. 10
Alligator Dave with The Raspas –Dr. Rockit’s AnimalSound –Mulligan’s
mon. Dec. 3 Open Jam w/Duke E. Brown –Dr. Rockit’s
tues. Dec. 4 Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s
wed. Dec. 5 Texas Triple Threat –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers -Revolution Black Market Revival –House of Rock
thurs. Dec. 6 Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s Brown Julius -Revolution Eden Burning, AnimalSound –House of Rock Honeybrowne -Executive Surf Club
fri. Dec. 7 Ghost Of A Fallen Age , A Well Thought Tradgedy, Premature Burial -The Compound The Record Breakers Blake Sparks -Revolution Hip Hop Resurrection –House of Rock Aloha Dave and The Tourist -Executive Surf Club
sat. Dec. 8 Another Level –Dr. Rockit’s The Scarecrow People -Revolution
Open Jam w/Duke E. Brown –Dr. Rockit’s
sat. Dec. 15
sun. Dec. 23
Eric Tessmer –Dr. Rockit’s Blunt Force Trauma, Condemned Unit -The Compound Brown Julius -Revolution
Witches Tit w/ Sunglasses and Mushrooms –Dr. Rockit’s Hindsight –Mulligan’s
mon. Dec. 24 sun. Dec. 16 Radio Lachusma w/Liquid Cheese –Dr. Rockit’s Justin Estes –Mulligan’s
Open Jam w/ Duke E. Brown –Dr. Rockit’s
tues. Dec. 25 Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s
mon. Dec. 17 Open Jam w/Duke E. Brown –Dr. Rockit’s Covett , In Fear And Faith, Bella Epoque, -The Compound
wed. Dec. 26 Starchild –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers -Revolution
tues. Dec. 11
tues. Dec. 18
Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s My Children My bride, Catherin, Oh, Sleeper, Every Bridge Burned, Remove The Veil, Knives Exchanging Hands –The Compound
Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s Mr Slick Art Show -Revolution Toadies w/ Girl In A Coma –Concrete Street
thurs. Dec. 27
wed. Dec. 19
Fri. Dec. 28
wed. Dec. 12 Sun Salutation –Dr. Rockit’s With Blood Comes Cleansing, Don The Reader, A Plea For Purging -The Compound The Record Breakers -Revolution The Nekromantixs, Koffin Kats, The Chop Tops, The Livends –House of Rock
Robbie and the Robots w/Grant Ewing Band –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers -Revolution Drastic Actions –House of Rock
thurs. Dec. 20 thurs. Dec. 13 Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s 7th Generation & The Vagabons -Revolution Cuervo –House of Rock The Eli Young Band, Ryan James -Executive Surf Club
Rob Roy Parnell CD Release Party! –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers & Mongo Stereo -Revolution
sat. Dec. 29
Duke E. Brown & The Allstars –Dr. Rockit’s Justin Estes –Revolution Capital Crimes –House of Rock
Ruben V. –Dr. Rockit’s The Scarecrow People –Revolution Toxie Traumatic, Seed, Painting Broadway, The Seduction –House of Rock
Fri. Dec. 21
sun. Dec. 30
Tony Vega Band –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers & Steven Brown -Revolution Mad Mexicans –House of Rock
fri. Dec. 14 Reno & The Project –Dr. Rockit’s The Record Breakers & Mongo Stereo -Revolution Ambellina, The Labeling Theory, Cavegirl –House of Rock
Sun Salutation w/The Raspas –Dr. Rockit’s Roger Creager -Executive Surf Club
sat. Dec. 22 Sherman Robertson –Dr. Rockit’s The Bystanders -Revolution
One Destiny with the Raspas –Dr. Rockit’s AnimalSound –Mulligan’s Kids Like Us , Know The Score , Mongoloids -The Compound
mon. Dec. 31 Bombasta! -Revolution Send Concert Listings To: firstname.lastname@example.org
.....................Gay by the Bay..................... Moore Venting: Why Vote? By Brian Moore
Since our nation’s beginnings, the right to vote has been the way to ensure citizens of the United States are being represented as they wish to be. In recent history, voter turnout for elections has become, shall I say, pathetic? From the records I obtained starting back with the 1960 Presidential election when John F. Kennedy was elected President of the United States, not once in the eleven Presidential elections since has the voter turnout been above that percentage. In 1960 the voter turnout was 63.1%, with a decline every year until 1992 when it jumped up 5% to 55.1%. Only in 2004 after the ﬁasco this country saw in touted voter fraud, etc., did it rise above the 1992 election by .2%--two-tenths of a percent. Is pathetic strong enough of a word to show the blatant apathy of the American people? Yet how many people do you hear on television, in your churches or synagogues, in cafes, coffeehouses, etc., complain about how the government is being run? The ﬁrst thing I ask someone when they complain about the President or their elected ofﬁcials is whether or not they voted. Too often I ﬁnd they have not and I have always told them,
The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote ﬁrst and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting. ~Charles Burkowski (1920-1994)~
“Then you have forfeited you right to complain, so deal with it!” Always being motivated by the political system and wanting equal rights, civil liberties, limited government, lower taxes, etc., I have never missed a single election. The only elections I do not vote in are regarding school boards since I do not have children and feel that those with children should be making those decisions. In this day and age there are much bigger ﬁsh to fry. These are the Constitutional Amendments on voting: The right to vote shall not be denied: 15th: on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude. 19th: on account of sex. 24th: of failure to pay any poll tax or other tax. 26th: on account of age. (18 years old) Webster’s deﬁnes “right” as: “power, privilege, etc., belonging to one
by law, nature, etc.” Why don’t many Americans get out and exercise their RIGHT to vote? Many say, “One vote doesn’t count,” or “it doesn’t affect me,” but they could not be more wrong. As seen in the previous two elections (2000, 2004 for those of you who do not know the voting schedule is every four years and that next year, 2008, you vote once again for President of the United States) if more than the 55.3% that went out and cast the ballot was 85-95%, can you not see how your vote would count? Americans have become so apathetic to our government many have forgotten it is a Republic of the people, for the people, by the PEOPLE. Who you vote for, what party afﬁliation you have, even if you vote for someone because you think they are good-looking—just get out there and cast your vote. This country is plagued with problems; problems many of you are facing and if you paid any attention
to what is actually happening in Washington D.C., or not happening, depending on which way you look at it, you would be appalled by how you are paying income tax and other taxes for people to burn your money. Why not just take your pay check next time it comes in, light a match and watch it burn, of course, it will be too late to keep the money from the government, they will have deducted theirs already. For years I have written to different communities around the great State of Texas, the United States of America and all around the world about the need for change. The beginning of real change is just to get out and exercise your RIGHT as an American citizen to vote, because one day, the more apathetic you become, you may not need to vote just like the quote at the beginning of this article says. I promise you then you will have wished you had gone out and voted.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: While writing this article, I polled people asking the two following questions: 1) Are you registered to vote? 2) Did you vote in the last Presidential election? Simple “yes” or “no” questions without asking anyone anything else, although many commented further; I wanted to know the answers to these simple questions. Here are the results to those questions: Responses: 45 Registered to vote: 41 Voted in last election: 35
You Know How I Know You’re Gay? YKHIKYG is a monthly “Gay by the Bay” column written by a guy who is TOTALLY straight, Vent Senior Bromosexual Correspondent, Michael Henneberger. (Really, I’m like as straight as you get.) You know how I know you’re gay…? Because you watch the “The Hills.” Sure, you say it’s because of “the hot, fashionably brilliant ladies on the show.” But, you also refer to them as “fashionably brilliant.” There are plenty of good shows out there with hot girls—scripted shows like “Friday Night Lights.” See, I’m totally straight, I named a show that not only has the hottest girls on television, but is also about football!! So there ya go straight guy, what’s your excuse? Your girlfriend makes you watch it? Suuuure…you sure you don’t like it? Maybe just a little bit?
Pretty soon that’s what you’ll be saying about having her dildo in your butt. Now, I watch “The Hills” (religiously) because before I moved back to Corpus Christi, I lived in Los Angeles for two years. I lived in Hollywood, right below “the hills” (which Lauren and Audrina don’t actually live in), and I frequented a lot of the places that they hit. I’ve partied at Mood, Element, and LAX, shopped at The Grove, and at one point, lived blocks away from other places The Hills girls have visited like The Arclight and the El Capitan theater (home of Jimmy Kimmel Live). I had a friend who lived in the same apartment complex as Lauren (and Turk from “Scrubs”). I’d often drive by Brent Bolthouse’s ofﬁces and I even attended a Bolthouse event or two while in la-laland. I’d even occasionally watch some football at Big Wangs, the place Lauren
and her friends go when they “don’t feel like going out,” with my friend Cowboy Rob. And trust me, there is nothing gay about Big Wangs with Cowboy Rob…I mean, come on, we were watching football. (Only a straight guy can mention football twice in a story about “The Hills.” Man, I’m so straight.) Recently, I found myself with some downtime in San Antonio with nothing to do but watch online TV. I was about three or four episodes behind on “The Hills,” so I sat alone and caught up. Does watching an hour and a half of “The Hills,” without being forced to by a girl, make me gay? Well, if I didn’t have such a good reason like homesickness for L.A., yes, it would make me gay. But I don’t watch it to see if Audrina and her low self-esteem give that jerk Justin Bobby another chance or if Heidi ever comes to her senses and leaves that
ugly pube-faced loser, Spencer. I don’t sit there just waiting for Whitney to get her fair chance at love or for Lauren and Brody to realize that what they have is the real thing. I watch it (every Monday) solely to see my old stomping grounds. That’s it…because I’m straight. Alright, straight guy, I know there’s hot girls on “The Hills” and hot girls watch “The Hills” so watching it might bring you a little closer to hot girls. But really, once you make out with those girls, what are you going to talk about? How she wants to be an architect? Or maybe you can talk about how “awesome” she is? “Why? Because I’m just awesome, that’s why I’m awesome.” And how are you supposed to have that special connection with someone if you have nothing in common? Man, that sounded gay.
.........................Gay by the Bay The 30 Year Old Gay
Having been approached about a column in the Vent devoted to gays in South Texas I was somewhat ﬂattered, amused and quite frankly, excited! Wow! Here it was, my chance to be heard by millions or how ever many people read THE VENT, and I could talk about whatever! I pondered the possibilities hours upon hours and days upon days. Racking my brain, trying to ﬁgure out what it would be that I, a somewhat successful gay man in his early thirties trying to build a career, while still searching for that one special person I could share my experiences with would talk about. Gawd, I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker right now minus the MR. BIG and the unhealthy obsession with designer shoes. Don’t get me wrong I have my own little shoe obsession but come on, I live in Corpus sweetie, I would have to be a doctor or lawyer or some other high level exec to have that kind of obsession. Entry level just don’t cut it, although I have been in the business for over 6 years. I’ll just stick to my Etnies and sketchers for now. So like I was saying, I struggled to ﬁnd the perfect subject which to VENT my frustrations on. I thought to myself, why can’t I be Sarah Jessica Parker right now without the MR BIG and unhealthy obsession with designer shoes. She was
going through what I’m going through and look what happened to her! She got stranded in f***in Paris with some old Russian dude who’s balls probably sag below the knees. I can top that bitch! I could be the gay Carrie Bradshaw! Its brilliant! Or just bomb like the one I’m about to drop on my lasted love interest. It’s just not working out…more on that one later. As most of you may or may not know, Corpus Christi literally means the Body of Christ. That in itself should start sending off reds ﬂags to whomever is reading this. If your from Body (I mean corpus), you know that the hush hush of homo’s and the don’t ask don’t tell attitude of the surrounding armed forces control most of this town. To make it clear for you out there trying to keep up, it means out of sight out of mind. More clearly you say… We live with a bunch of old silverbacks, scared of change and grasping to what little religious values they have left. It’s the Bible belt from hell and your smack right in the middle of it. Get it? Got it? Let’s proceed. So like any conservative closeminded town, anything that is different or thought provoking is seen as a threat. Hence the censorship on your radio stations that you haven’t quite noticed or you just don’t care to notice. So I, the
gay male, am known as a threat. Be careful there is a gay man in close proximity, hide your kids, hide your dogs, and your cucumbers cause the queers are on the prowl! Hell, even the most prominent gay club in town remains sign-less. It’s just a doorway in the side of a brick building across the street from city hall! We’re the frickin Harry Potters of South Texas! Put us under the stairwell why don’t you! They don’t call it the Hidden Door for nothing. It’s in a gawd dang house for cripes sake! So I’m a little pissed about that. Not only do I have to ﬁght for what little gay successful men there are in town but I have to sniff them out like a wolf, hunting for it’s pray. Don’t forget I am still but a man. Where do these dream guys live and do they even exist? Do I have to settle for uneducated, jobless, car less 19 year-olds my whole life or is there life out there for the 30 year old semi successful gay male? What is it that I want? Love, career, family, all of the above? Can I even juggle it? Or shall I remain single forever? Dating just got a little more complicated and your getting the ﬁrst person view. If you been a player in the game of dating in the new millennium you don’t want to miss the next chapter of… The 30 yr old Gay.
Watch out Straight Man! Flava Z’s Gunnin’ for You
I am a gay man and if you’re straight, I want you to know that I’m gonna get with you. If you’re one of those straight men who is all like “I don’t mind gay people as long as they don’t act like it.” I agree. If there’s anything that I detest it’s some poof acting like somebody’s queen fairy friggin godmother type. If you’re a straight guy who thinks queer’s would be ok if they’d only “act straight” I am your answer. I am a gay man who acts straight but loves to get it on with men. But I warn you, I’m a top not a bottom, a pitcher not a catcher. If you pass me on the street your gaydar wouldn’t even register. In the shower at the Corpus Christi Athletic Club, you’ll feel safe around me thinking I’m just a good looking lady’s man but I’m not. I
am a meat gazer. I won’t be obvious but I’ll be scoping your package. You won’t notice but I’ll be hoping you’ll turn around so I can check out that brown eye of yours cause I wanna tap dat. That’s right I wanna bareback that virgin ass of yours. Maybe you don’t know about gay sex? Maybe you think it’s all Brokeback Mountain “I can quit you!” cowboys-in-love crap. Nah, it ain’t like that. You don’t have to kiss me, we don’t need no foreplay, all you gotta do is back that azz up to me and I’ll drive. Role playing? You bet. Be whatever the f*** you wanna be. You can be the husband and I’ll be the wife; the wife with the big penis going up in your rectum. Don’t wanna cuddle? That’s ﬁne. When we’re done you can go de-jism yourself while I catch some
By Flava Z
z’s, know what I’m saying? My feelings ain’t gonna be hurt none. So how about it? Next time I see you all straight acting, and you see me all straight acting, we’ll both know we gotta get it on. My therapist told me I should be more assertive about my sexuality and start to come out of the closet a little. She suggested I begin by admitting my lifestyle to strangers, then to friends, then eventually to my family. My therapist is right and that‘s what I‘m gonna do is be assertive and be open about who I am. So, if you go take a piss at the American Bank Center or maybe over at the Cole Park restrooms and I stand next to you and show it hard, don’t play coy, show some motherf***in’ hospitality and say “Hello friend.” S***, maybe next time I’ll even give you a reach around.
Aries This will not be a great month for you. The progress you’ve been experiencing in your romantic relationship will grind to a halt around the 15th. This will come about when you arrive home early from class one day and ﬁnd your girlfriend grinding between your two roommates.
Taurus Mercury, the great communicator, moves forward through your house of love and marriage, so now is the time to invest more emotional capital in your love life. It’s also time to face your fears of rejection. Just put your pretty little face into his lap like he’s been asking, and he’ll be true blue forever. Gemini Mars at odds with Mercury during the ﬁrst half of the month bring positives and negatives in your professional and personal lives. While your conﬁdence soars, you may ﬁnd you don’t have enough time to fulﬁll all your desires.
Hitting two or three girls a night may be the solution. Cancer The new moon in Scorpio on the 9th points to some secrets between you and your lover. All may look ﬁne on the surface, but be ready for some big news around midmonth. And depending on your reaction, you will either be looking for the perfect solitaire, or making plans to push her down a staircase. Leo Your super nova days are the 9th through the 11th, with spiritual Neptune squaring off with the Scorpio new moon. Old desires will be awakened, and this could bring fulﬁllment or deep resentment from loved ones. In other words, stop banging your brother-inlaw, or your wife will leave your sorry ass for good. Virgo Energetic Mars falls in trine with spontaneous Uranus midmonth, so happy
surprises abound the second half November. Actually, it’s your anus that gets a surprise, when your lady love brings home a strap on. Libra Cooperative Venus squaring with practical Pluto the ﬁrst week of this month will promote maintenance and upkeep on the home front. Enlist the help of that hunky new neighbor to help you nail up some storm shutters, and soon he’ll be nailing you. Scorpio Intellectual Mercury squares off with dreamy Neptune the last week of the month, leading to some serious mental stress. Pay your dues to family and friends for the holidays, but after that, spend one day by yourself to recharge. Some serious time with the rabbit would also do you a world of good. Sagittarius Social Venus forms a favorable quintile with Jupiter on the 18th, bestowing you with great inner strength and
charisma. Charged-up Mars also joins in the fun, heightening your senses and wit. In short, you’ll be obnoxious and a general pain in the ass for the remainder of the month. Capricorn This month you will make lots of money and have lots of sex. So we hate you even more than Sagittarius. Aquarius The magnetic new moon in Scorpio is inﬂuencing just about all the signs, and you’re no exception. The 9th through the 11th of this month will bring powerful dreams to your days and nights. You may also need to change the sheets a few more times than usual. Pisces The rollicking union of Uranus, Mercury, and a Gemini full moon toward the end of the month may compel you to spring to action prematurely. Put a lid on it; no one cares about your opinions at work anyway, and they all think you’re a slut.