A Letter From The Ed...
Dear readers and viewers,
Well, the cats out of the bag… Up until now, I was volunteering with the Vent Daily and doing what it is I do for zero pay. That’s right, in order to not effect the unemployment I was receiving over the past 6 months (thanks KZTV 10), I could not “work” on the magazine. I contacted an attorney and was very careful to abide by all the Unemployment rules and laws, as not to be guilty of any fraud. So now…I declare this a new era. Not the way that Hitler declared a new era, more like when George Castanza did. “I DECLARE THIS THE SUMMER OF MAKING SOME F***ING MONEY…Well, summers actually coming to an end…ok. “I DECLARE THIS THE FALL OF…. The ‘fall of’ that doesn’t sound good… autumn? No. Wait. I got it. “THE MOTHERF***ING VENT IS OPEN FOR BIZNESS BABY” I will now take over this Zine and see if we cant turn it into something. And in honor of Reel Big Fish, we are gonna ‘sell out’ big-time. If you want to run an ad in The Vent Daily, call me right now. I don’t care if your selling Rock –n- Roll supplies, like Rich’s or Happy Hooka hits. If you are selling crack formula to infants, we have got just the right marketing gimmick for you. Which reminds me, we have got a special going on commercial spots for the Vent TV, our music video show. For every commercial you buy at $50, you get a piece of my soul (while supplies last). Call now 361-549-6213. As always get more info at: theventnation.com. Love -the Ed
xxx Letters toThe Ed xxx
I have been an avid reader of your publication for some time now, and I like what I read, but might I make a suggestion. I feel that the advertisements, in your paper, really smother the stories, I would clearly get a stranglehold on this situation, before it really starts to take over the articles. I strongly feel that if you let this little problem persist, it would be sheer suicide. Sincerely, Chris Benoit ‘aka. The Crippler’ P.S. If I ever see another Chill with Phil advertisement, I just might go into a rage and kill my family. Ha! Just kidding lol. :-D. Dear Chris Sorry for the delay, we just got to your letter. Thanks for the critique, we will do our best to address these issues before it’s too late. -Ed P.S. Hope you got the Xanax & ‘roids gift bag we sent.
Appalled and perturbed is one way, or rather two ways to describe how I felt last month when the winner of the 7 Day Film Project was announced. House of Rock was silent and then Joe Hilliard, Director of the Film Society, cleared his throat at the end of nearly a dozen film screenings to say, “Winner of the best picture goes to…The Note.” At that time, I could here the sobs of high school students who thought their coming of age stories had a real chance. Were not
the films with elaborate editing or a giant rat good enough? And what about the dynamic short I produced and directed titled Broken Dreams? The tale of a talented tambourine girl’s struggle in the rough world of show business was a cinematographic masterpiece. Yet your film, shot entirely in a laundry mat (cliché), about a schizophrenic (cliché, times two), and a fat guy (okay, not-so cliché) wins. Now I am not saying that your short was not well done. The big guy was great. But I must say, and I think I speak on behalf of all of the amateur film makers, that I feel jipped. Instead of the little people (like me) having a chance to shine, a short produced by the editors of a big up and coming magazine take all. All of the glory, all of the fame, and the prize money, all $37 dollars of it, and even a typed black and white certificate go to the editors of The Vent. I ask, is this fair? I think not. Frankly, I have to say The Vent has offended me before with its articles about prostitutes, baby’s mamma drama, and intravenous drug use, but this takes the cake. When a short featuring several fictional characters and only one real person can win best short, over cute puppies and tambourines… I say the competition must be rigged! Yours truly, Jealous Filmmaker Dear JF, Maybe you can be a apart of our next adult project, it’s called “Big Trouble in Little ‘Gina”.
Angie Mueller, this is an open letter to you, Chickenhead. I loved you but you left me. When you left me you ruined me for all other girls back at Fortville El-
ementary. I finished third grade. I finished everything Fortville Elementary had to throw at me and I went on to finish most of Middle School. Today, I am somebody. A pain still lingers in my groin when I think about how often I gave you my goddamn milk money. I ate boogers, glue, and earthworms for you and all you gave me was a case of the cooties that still makes it hurt when I pee. Even my imaginary friends made fun of me for being with you because you were such an 8 year old slut. I bet you haven’t changed at all. I, on the other hand, have changed. I grew pubes. Nobody calls me Zachie anymore. They call me Flayva Z, or just Flayva if they know me real good. I’ve got a job with benefits, like a uniform and a name tag. I’ve toughened up. I’ve served a little time in Joliet, Huntsville, and San Quentin. I’ve learned CYA; literally I learned to cover my ass. I’ve fallen in love a time or two, almost got lucky with some chick once, I think. I’ve traveled to places you could only dream of: cock fighting in Louisiana –been there, snake handling in West Virginia-yep, donkey shows in Tijuana –only like every other week. So yeah, I got street cred. I got my own Dodge Neon hoopty too. Most of all I got boom chica wawa. Don’t be hating on a brotha just cause you can’t be havin’ all this! Slut. Flava Z Dear Flava, Its apparent that you have got it going on, and I totally relate, being that I too have got a cooties related case of ‘fire-piss’. Righton brother.
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The Vent Daily’s Monthly News
Eric Von Wade Ratings Drop in 18-35 Buck Demo
The ever-popular Eric Von Wade show has taken a dramatic hit in its ratings over the past few weeks. The drop in listenership began after a controversial photograph surfaced on Eric Von Wade’s website, cleverly titled ericvonwade. com. Deer from all over the area are outraged at the brutal murder of one of their own by the local radio show host. “I just don’t understand how he could turn on us like that, we’ve been fans of EVW since his days working the late shift at Foot Locker,” said one deer listener, “I’ve known the Von Wade’s for decades and I can’t believe that Eric would do such a thing and then have the audacity to post it on the internet
for any web-browsing deer to see. It makes me sick” Attempts have been made by EVW’s public relations department to point out that this kill was completely accidental, however Eric Von Wade has hindered these efforts saying, “There’s nothing like the felling of strangling a deer with your bare hands, and sending that evil hoofed bastard back to hell where it belongs”. “John [Deer] was just trotting out for a drink of water from the river,” a deer friend of the victim accounted, “ Eric and his friends had just sprayed some tick spray on their cornholes and were headed into the water because of the burning, and I guess John caught them good ol’ boys by surprise, cause they just
Have You Found Jesus ?
went at ‘em.” According to a different unnamed source, Eric and two Caucasian friends beat the animal ‘like a red-headed step deer’. They whipped it with rubber hoses for nearly ten minutes then continued the beating with their bare fists. Finally, the two men stomped on the creature’s legs and tail as Eric choked the life from its body as he screamed, “Its time to take a trip to the lake of fire you son-of-a-b*tch deer, where it always helps to let ‘em know Eric sent ya.”
Official charges have not been filed at this time and it seems unlikely that the local authorities will proceed to investigate this terrible incident.
News for Thought
Bush Extends ‘No Child Left Behind’ Religious James Baker Turns to Satanism to Include Frustrated Mothers ...page 13 Celebrity
Tammy Faye Baker Dies, 65 Financial ‘I want to lose my suRevlon and Sharpie report per sweet virginity at lowest quarter earnings ever.
16’ to air this summer on MTV ...page 13
Man’s claim to have “hit that” leads to intervention for domestic violence...page 13
Dear Scabby /Scabby on Reel Big Fish Dear Scabby, We are short staffed this month since the Corpus Cynic gave mono to everyone in the office (better watch out she’s starting to look like your competition). Anywho, thanks to your no kissing policy you’re the only writer we have left to cover the Reel Big Fish show. I need 400 words by Monday. -Ed P.S. 400 is the same as two cartons of cigs, it’s also how many dollars you would have if you gave 160 BJ’s) Dear Abusive Bastard of a Boss, I’ll write your little article on your fruity little band, but remember you still owe me a ten spot for that ring job last Saturday. -Scabby
When the editor of this toilet paper rag asked me to attend and write about the Reel Big Fish concert held July 28th at Concrete Street, he said there would be plenty of skanking, so I told him I was down. I’ve been skanking since before most of your parents were born and I isn’t about to stop now. I had to get an early start. I usually have my Johns drop me where I need to go, but they aren’t always willing to go the extra mile, or even the extra block. If each trick will drive me an average of 1 block and it’s 30 blocks from Alameda & Agnes to Concrete Street, that means I gave… that means I gave a whole lot of blow jobs just to get all the way out to the concert place thingy. I had already “worked” my way backstage when Ed called to tell me that I had a free ticket and pass at
the box office. What a waste! The guys in the band we’re cool, Aaron and I shared a few special moments on the tour bus Rosa Parks style. Dan and I had a hug and talked about how hard it is to blow the bone for a living. When the show started I didn’t see any skanking going on anywhere, just a bunch of people doing some silly dance. When Reel Big Fish took the stage, they rocked Corpus Christi inside-out, not unlike my mooch-mooch. They played Sell Out and their new single Party Down, both of which I consider personal anthems. After the show 5-0 was on the scene to keep the crowd under control, so I got the f*** outta there. Two-dozen ‘choops’ later I was back on my corner, cause for me skanking isn’t something I do every time a ska band rolls through town. For me… SKANKING IS A WAY OF LIFE. -Scabby
The Vent Gets Warped Wowwy. It’s a bird… It’s a plane… It’s a bunch of sweaty thirteen year olds smoking Marlboro Reds and pretending to be Emo? Yep, you guessed it…. It is Warp Tour 2007. Twelve years back in 1995, I was at the first warp tour. It all began on a sunny summer day... when Brad Nowell of Sublime was still alive… When skanking was still cool and Oi! Was a normal part of my vocabulary. If you are like me, older than a high schooler, please read on. It is not that Warped Tour is no longer a raging big party, because it definitely still is. However, I feel that the spirit of punk has certainly faded. Now transformed and reinvented for a mass appeal of fifth graders and want-to-be hipsters. This year at Warped, I saw Louis Vuitton hand bags, knockoff sunglasses and tattoos galore. Don’t you have to be at least five foot tall to get your nose pierced in three places? Now I am not a hater by any means. And I have to say I like tats and piercing, but when they are on middle school girls, it’s just weird. Then there were the parents with children. I do not care if your nine year old wants to be
in the pit. If he cannot handle it, get him out. Don’t tell me to control my moshing! Since when is moshing controlled?!?!? Moshing back in the day was actually dancing so close that you were jumping into one another. Hence the name moshing. This year’s moshing was oversized men trying to get out aggression and a bunch of tiny girls being pushed into the stage. When kids use to crowd surf, it was like fourfive people all making there way across to the front at a time. If you didn’t keep your hands up, a surfer would plop on your head. This year’s mosh pit was a poor excuse, if any, for what I use to experience. No freedom, no dancing, very little surfing…. And speaking of freedom, where were the political messages??? I didn’t hear a single we hate Bush or go green sentiment… Has the world of punk fallen into the evil hands of overtly politically correct corporate mongrels? Has every publicist advised the artists to stay away from the topics kids need to hear about most??? And speaking of greens, where were they??? Damn, we use to smoke a lot back then. I distinctly remember just a few merch stands at the first warp tour--- a little area with tables with some T-shirts and
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hats… but this year the whole area was one big store. Every band had its own merch stand and there were dozens of vendors. It felt like walking through the mall to catch Pennywise on stage. Did these bands forget the true meaning of their punk roots??? Anti-establishment. Anti-consumerism. Anti -Capitalism. I wanted to scream “Anarchy!!!” but I wasn’t sure the
twelve year olds would even know what the word meant. Maybe I am just getting old. I should have known it wasn’t a punk show when the headliners were New Found Glory. Pop has taken over. Still I had faith that I wouldn’t turn into my parents… but it somehow slowly crept up on me… All of the sudden I heard myself saying “Back when I was a kid…”
Kaleo of Pepper
A Very Special Arrangement
As I’ve said in previous columns, I’m a single working mother. In between work and doing the mommy thing, you can guess it’s pretty hard to maintain any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I really only had one serious relationship after my divorce, but I could tell my kids got on his nerves. One day, he actually said, “You know, I really don’t like kids, but I put up with them just because things are so good with us between the sheets.” I broke up with him about two minutes later. Soon after that, a friend from work introduced me to Ed. The three of us had lunch one afternoon, and as we got back in our cars, Ed gave me his card. We had dinner the next weekend and talked until the restaurant closed. As we said goodbye in the parking lot, he suddenly pushed me against my car door and kissed me. “Come home with me,” he panted as he slipped a finger into my bra. “I’m dying to know what you taste like.” “I can’t,” I said regretfully. I had to go home and relieve my babysitter. “What are you doing tomorrow?” he whispered, pushing his bulging crotch against my thigh. I told him it was impossible. My kids and I were going to a young cousin’s birthday party in my hometown, two hours away. “I’m sorry, but next weekend, my kids go with their dad, so we can see each other then,” I offered, pulling myself away and opening my car door. “I don’t know if I can wait that long.” I started my car and said I would call him the next week to make some plans.
So... What’s Your Sign? By Serena Cho and Cleo Soliz
Aries Days 6 to 9 are your Super Nova days, and they can be highly productive for you. Just don’t move to fast. It’s better if you go slow and in a counter-clockwise motion.
By Stella Starr It turned out Ed couldn’t wait. He called me the next day, while I was watching my son hit the pinata. “I’m on my way to your town. Can you get out tonight?” My mind skittered as I thought about how I could pull it off. I ended up telling my mom that an old (female) school friend was in town and we were going for a cruise. Ed and I ended up parked in front of the church I was baptized in, doing all sorts of naughty little things. When he drove me back to my parents’ house, I told him I definitely wanted to see more of him, but I really didn’t have time for a fullblown relationship. “What I really need right now is some good sex.” “Sounds fine to me.” So that’s how it happened. Ed and I have been going out, or rather, staying in, for several years now. He’s very, very good, and he tells me I’m the best he’s ever had. Maybe one of these days I’ll want a real boyfriend. But after work, driving kids to dance lessons, martial arts, homework, dealing with bitchy coworkers, drama with the ex, and on and on and on, wining and dining is not high on my list of priorities. I can pay for my own dinner, thanks. I really just want a good roll in the hay. Hey fellas! Stella Starr wants your feedback on her column. What do you think of sex and this small town? Let her know at : email@example.com.
Taurus Midmonth Venus retrograde moves through the Sun, leading to a super-sensitive time for you and those around you. Watch your mouth, and especially your teeth. Gemini The Pisces full lunar eclipse on the 28th highlights your professional performance. Remember to stay realistic and flexible. There are changes a-coming, and your ability to put your ankles behind your head will come in handy soon. Cancer The Mercury forming a quincunx with Uranus makes for a little instability in your inner life midmonth. You may be feeling unsure about yourself and have trouble making decisions. Just say yes, take a Xanax, and have some fun with your new man. Leo The New Moon in your sign on the 12th and 13th boosts your self-image. You will be full of self-love and confidence. This is the time to shout to the masses, “I am gay, hear me roar!” Virgo Mercury moving through several planets in your 12th house stimulates your imagination and your desires. But be careful, or you may be seeing two lines next month when you’re wanting to see just one. Libra You finally get laid this month, so congratulations. Unfortunately, you
will be totally sloshed and won’t remember a thing about it. Scorpio The full Moon eclipse on the 28th this month stimulates the imagination and gets your creative juices flowing, so the time is right to undertake a new project or two. This also gets all your other juices flowing, so for now you won’t need to buy any Astroglide. Sagittarius Spirited Mars entering your 7th house of partnerships at the start of the month brings new, positive energy in your relationship. You and your mate are now ready to throw caution and clothing to the wind, so have some fun, but wear sunscreen. Sunburned nipples are not fun. Capricorn Steady Mercury joins with authoritative Saturn on the 18th, giving you the confidence to assert your desires, and you’ll get what you want, at work and at home. Now your lady love will be quite compliant and let you turn her over in the middle. Aquarius Mid-month the New Moon brings relationship issues to the forefront. You now have the confidence to confront your partner about the tension between the two of you. No, she’s not cheating on you. She just hates you because you’re a loser. Pisces The Sun in your house of Partnerships may promote feelings of over-confidence. You may be tempted to jump into some risky situations, but remember, as long as you have a condom and a dental dam, you’ll be okay.