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Thoughts Of The Unknown

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The Past The Future The Present For People who never really Understood And for the people who Understand Just a simple girl Who writes her mind In words only she Can Understand Love You Forever and Always Jyoti xxx

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Introduction

Who am I?, you don’t need to ask me that question, I know who I am, yet people get mistaken of the person I’ve become, years go by and I still am the same old Jyoti, I don think I have changed a lot in years, apart from finding the freedom of speech. I do have a heart of gold no wonder people used it as an excuse to walk all over me, personally if I were to describe myself, I’m unwritten a book full of pages from the past and a pen that’s writing my present. People say life is an act I don’t believe that, life a stage, you are the actors, but your also the script writer, you live your life the way you want it to, since when were we puppets. Friends would say I’m crazy, stubborn genuine caring funny. I asked for 10 sentences she gave me words. Am I that hard to sum up? Mysterious as time progresses as the tears and bleeding slowly turn in to words of heart wrote on pieces of paper that lay before me. The eyes I have are as dark as the ocean, and the heart that I hold is wounded from past mistakes that I don’t regret. This is a book of a person to you who is unknown. Just remember that you were never alone.

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Have You Ever had that moment, where you thought of a person and they thought of you? Sometimes before I sleep at night I end up looking out the window, thinking of that one person, who in my mind exists but in everyone else’s eyes and reality, they don’t. Everyone has an ideal person and there no person that says they haven’t. My Guy It hurts, it one of those topics, too good to be true!! Seems like it, but everyone has that one person made for them. So I wondered can I be that girl for one person and for them it may seem too good to be true... GREED? Never been greedy but realised some think recently well a few days ago, I love to be loved. Which in a sense makes me love hungry and crazily enough I realised that if I didn’t find the one for me I’ll end up searching the world for love. I don’t want to end up as the one who took her last breath looking for love and sometimes it really gets me down. And I don’t know that to do, people say “you can’t ever find love, love finds you!” then how come when love finds us it always gives you heart break, and it doesn’t help that I can see my self old sitting on the steps of my garden, looking in to the pitch black sky, were my young souls looks amongst the stars, for her longs last love. Will I be the one left alone?

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Hypocrites/Bullying I hate people, who judge people on any matter and still manage to be like them in any which way they possibly can... WTFish? Is up with that, “err look at the way she dresses, she’s weird, she’s ugly err” they why would you go out of your way to be like me? Eh? Answer me that question, my mirror shoes me I can gladly say that yes my names Jyoti “I’m weird” get over it! People like that make my blood boil, so irritated by people who think there bad but have more mouth the actions, don’t get me wrong every body is hypocritical at some stage of there life, but the bullying that come with it is not needed? Don’t brush your insecurities on me to make your self feel better, because that’s what bullying is about, people who find it hard to accept difference. People some times asked have you ever looked in the mirror and wished you were some one else? My answer... NO? God blessed me to look like this and even though people judge it I wouldn’t change my self for the world, I have my imperfections but that’s what makes me perfect and I thank the lord every day for it. Bullying/hypocrisy leads you no were, trust me just be real from the start and you won’t have any problems for the future.

She walks in to her atmosphere, looked around and taking a deep breath in. not looking behind to see the shadows that followed her. In her mind she spoke. “Stop, here they come, I need to hide, not be seen, I don’t want to hurt today, why do they hate me? I’m I that repulsive they have to beat me” she backed in to a corner of the little piece of heaven she had left, soon to see the shadows take over.

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No you’re not your perfect, but don’t stand behind the clouds and let your self get beaten up, just because people can’t accept who you are, and because they can’t be you they brush off their insecurities on you... You not alone in this... Stand Up Speak Out... don’t be the one left suffering in silence. If you’ve got every think waiting for you what’s the point being with some one who can’t offer you the future or the love you truly deserve life plays harsh games on everyone, but if you got someone in your life who could offer you the world and you think in your heart that you could to then why reject the matter for another day, and wait to see what faith brings.

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*** He asked me what I wanted I asked for the stars, he looked in to my eyes, his eyes glistened and he said “baby if you want the stars they will be yours” she replied “but, what do you want from me?” he said your love your heart she sighed and looked away from him, so he grabbed her from the arm looking In her eyes deeper, felt her heart melt and said “ I got what I wanted what more do I need, you see that star shining in the sky” she looked “yes”, “ that’s our star” she looked at him smiled at him, as tears rolled down her face, he said “ if I go before you do look for the star, that will lead you to where you have to be, and remember no matter what happens I’ll be waiting to hold you in my arms again.” To this day years after I’m gone, that were I’ll be, tears rolled down her face as the gust of wind takes him away, her thought became empty memories and her soul wondered with his, she lived like a corpse amongst seasons, and would silently cry at night before she slept, as her heart shattered before her, she’d sleep to be closer to him, and would hear him talk. Leaving her with a smile before she woke up. ***

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Live Laugh Love Every one is entitles to A Happy Ending And your time will come But as for now keep Looking and praying on the Star the bought you to read this It’s a drug, like a slow poison that fades you away. Its love I’m still waiting for my star, I might be waiting forever It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never of loved at all.

Love doesn’t mean you can ask for the world, you make that person your world, your heart your mind are connected in this matter, and when they question then you know that some think is wrong Love isn’t a compromise, if it don’t feel right don’t do it. Love pure heartedly not based on habit.

Live (To the max)

Laugh (To your hearts content)

Love (Forever)

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(Papa Roach- Scars)

(Green Day – Wake me up when September ends)

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Heartbreak and emotional bath times

Why is it after a long week, that’s left me stressed I cry, it happens all the time, and stupidly I always think psychopathic thoughts for example. For every heart break I get I’ll leave a scare on my body to remind me of that heart break that left me to bleed. But then I laugh and then I cry again, emotional bath times seems like a relief, heart sunk a little and every time it does it makes me want to scream, but even though I’ve been through this many times I don’t know actually to be quite frank, am I used to being used and abused, even though nobody is actually suppose to be used to that. It’s weird. But you can use and abuse as much as you want, I’ll always be better than you. I do feel like bleeding and screaming and crying. But over what though. Heart break?? Or heart break insecurities, never thought people could be so cold hearted until I met you. For know I’ll drown, bleed and wake but for ever you’ll suffer. For the cause of their broken hearts remember For every tear they’ll cry... you’re cursed And for every time they bleed... you’ll suffer.

Never thought you could be so cold hearted, until the day came of the ultimate finish I will cry and bleed. But as from now You’ll be the only one that suffers And for every scare left on me is a sign of your presence, You will pay for the mistakes you made, I’ll leave that to karma. Welcome to heart break hotel... How may I break you? You and I were never meant to be. Love is a gift, if you don’t know how to cherish it then don’t .ACCEPT IT.

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Eye Readers I believe that eyes are the best kind of communication going, and most of all they can tell you the truth, when your eyes glisten and sparkle your happy, when your eyes are red and puffy you’ve been crying, eyes glazed your tiered, and finally pupils dilated your dead. But why is it that only people your close to can read ones eyes? I never have my eyes on show because my eyes are sharp, I’m the type of person who could capture your soul with one look, then its up to me on how to deal with you, I if love you I’ll keep you smiling, but if you hurt me I’ll tear you apart, by simply looking in to your eyes. They say body language tells a lot about a person, I don’t believe that, eyes are very important. There like cameras to capture the greatest moments of your life, yet capture the moments you wish you were blind for. Even your spirit has eyes because we see our dreams, we see the future and see reality, only false people cant see the truth but you can see there insecurities hidden in there eyes, in fact you may not even see it but if you look deeper you can tell.

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My eyes are like oceans, be careful you don’t fall deep, my eyes hold

love yet I’m incomplete, my eyes hold secrets of the world unknown, my reality, my strengths, my weakness and finally...

My death...

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Reality I laugh because it’s funny, how 2 weeks ago in this room, I sat here in this room crying holding blades at my wrist, convincing my self that this is the end. Yet some think inside me was telling me to hold on. So yet again I’m questioning my self “what’s making me stop, is it my heart asking me questions or is my mind playing games again?” I’m a girl who could give the world advice, yet not listen to the words that come out my mouth. Rather then making my self ache and dwell on past encounters. I always said I believe that some think was out there for me yet my mind seems to think other wise a blunt future may be, who knows. The conclusion is to slap your self back to reality, why dwell on something so negative, who cares about what people think or say! The more you worry about what people think, and then you’ll see for your self that you are back tracking life. And trust me you rather reality slap your self then me or anybody else does it for you. If you live life positively, you’ll live life positively and that’s the truth. Try some think new to make your self better rather then noticing all your flaws. Every body has flaws, weaknesses and experiences that we need to over come.

Live life like a blank canvas, like a tattoo you cant erase it, but you always redo it over.

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Phobias

O.M.G Every body has phobias and admitting to them doesn’t make you weaker! But makes you see Every one has problems they can’t face (Why?) Fear... My confessions I have 2 very big phobias 1) The Dark As a child I feared the dark and to the age of 21 I still do. So terrorised I sleep with the light on. My dad used to put a knife under my pillow because of the dreams I had. I used to think I had skeletons In my closet. And I was abandoned with them. And in school I day dreamed hippos with big eyes went in to the cupboard were they kept the sweets. Won’t go in to too much information. 2) Being Alone To know that I could be alone till the end of my life scares me. Admitting to phobias doesn’t make you weak, remember What doesn’t kill you. Makes you stronger!

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For Ever After

I want to be your forever after, As hard as it seems, Just to think of what it would be like, If I left you to question your heart. I want to be your forever after, Don’t try hard to hide the pain, Tell so I could sooth the wound, Don’t leave me here to suffer. I wanted to be your forever after And after all the time had past. You lied...

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Did Curiosity Kill The Cat!

Did it? I don’t really know. But every one gets curious once in a while don’t you think especially with taking steps, what is curiosity? I hear you ask the questions you ask your self before you take the steps. Should I should I not? BAM! That’s curiosity. If you don’t take the risk then how will you know what steps to take? A lot of things make you curious and curiosity it self can make you a coward at times because you don’t step and take the step! Who knows? Curiosity probley never killed the cat, it most likely died of starved because it didn’t make the discussion quick enough. That doesn’t mean you rush to make every decision you have to make in life, but if making you self better or your life better means you have to take that one risky step, then think, just remember the old saying. If at first you don’t succeed you try and try again.

1 Year Later

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The end of 2010 (CONS) Overall to summaries the year, I’d call it hectic made new friends and met a few arses on the way but hey hoe some things never change. The years been crazy and things changed, people true colours became much clearer then it ever could. And it’s shocking to see the fine lines of reality that lies before us. And the false hope people raise to better and then watched there hopes shatter, and blame it on destiny. Quick to blame but slow to notice there own flaws and faults. People slight obsession, people constant wanting of I need to be centre of attention, seem to be taking over the simple mind. To see these days that most people choose to follow a crowd of numb nuts. The choose to believe other then them selves, “losers” hypocrisy seems to spread like the plague this year, and betrayal is on a all time high. If I do ask then I’ll ask. What is this world coming to, if we fight for our rights of speech the same way were trashed for our good will, religion, stereotype, discrimination, these are all commercialised wars, the one day will destroy us all.

“Before we worked to survive, and lived to be happy. And now we live to survive, but live just to wait for our mistaken death.

This isn’t how were suppose to be. And if I die know, I’ll die a survivor

Ending of 2010 (PROS)

Even though last year had a few set backs optimism over the year 2010 remains on a all time high even so if your completely shattered of every think you still wake up to a brand new day, and that the blessing of it. I’ve had a lot of reason to smile this year, my friends my family, all the people I truly love, from the bottom of my heart thank you for putting up with me in 2010, I’m truly blessed to have you lot in my life. I hope 2011 brings you love, peace and happiness, you truly deserve. For ever and always TRUly yours Jyoti x

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Under the rainbow

Never seen so many colours, Shine so bright up high, Each colour having it own meaning, The dark clouds cover the sky, As the sun takes a peep at the world, The rain drops falling, Cleanses my soul, Beneath our rainbow its cold, We dream in many forms, But all I could think about beneath our rainbow, Is our future yet to be told.

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Cry Me a River

Tears to some people could mean there worlds crashing down, and to some a petty emotion, they say never waste tears on people that are not worthy of your thoughts, yet our thoughts are our memories, and our memories are the complete steps to the dreams we are yet to achieve. Through out 2010 all I wanted was to be love and now in 2011, I chose to say what my heart tells me but not dictate people but what I’ve learnt on the 21 years of living, and the most common mistake is taking lust as love. Because if people genuinely sensed the meaning we wouldn’t of generated a thing called lust. Difference Love Lust You Love Him You Like Him Your Together Great You Argue You get pissed off You Cry You chat up next people You Get Back together I love you He/She cheats Oh well I had your best mate Its over Oh well Your </3 Move on... You miss them You didn’t love them anyway

Similarities Love Lust Cry Cry Fall Fall Break Break

People cry over lust, if at the end of the relationship you felt no way in regards to a perfect relationship then don’t class it as love.

Lust just breaks you for 2 seconds Love could ruin you for a lifetime if unlucky

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Stand up For what you believe Even if you’re standing alone

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Midnight kiss

The night begins with a simple kiss, For which we desire under the moonlit sky Were stars shine bright, no life Just pain and strife Were we lay amongst the grass Feeling the shivers of the ghastly past Because my love never seems to last You love your dreams too good to be true I killed my self (inside) thinking of you Through pain and sorrow you held me so tight Without a flash you grabbed a knife Ripping my heart, tearing my soul You left me there to crawl.

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The way you lie

There was some think in the wind that night, the cold breeze seemed so much lighter then the storm that swayed in my mind. I heart of gold I thought but a tempest ready to tear me apart, listening to music I heard my heart thump at the lyrics of the chorus. “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn that’s oright because I like the way it hurts” Reminded me of the times unknowingly how a mare human threw me in to fire yet I survived, my mind takes another trip to a distant memory, were my mind played games with my head, but the sharp pain I felt in my heart that just thrust me back in to a era I had once forgotten. Images flash in my head like whiplash, and each time a image flashed my heart sunk more, im not heart broken took me a lot of struggle to be were I am today, stronger then most and defeated many. But one thing I know im lonely. You should know what if feels like. When your heart beats that incomplete rhythm, the one person who makes your blood rush quicker through your body, just by one glance. Eyes that you could stare in to all day long and a hug so warm you never want to let go. Looking at the stars at night with the one person who cuddle could take the worries away, and kisses that make you want to prance around like they do in bollywood movies. .The jokes... The laughter... The love. But not a lot seem to see beyond the clouds that cover me, and brush me off with a single stroke like paint on a canvas, my eyes are red from tears I’ve cried, over this emotion. It’s so over whelming I can hear my soul choke on this chain. Some people have some think so special they choose to break it in a flash. Were people like me wait to see the reality of being left with nothing but a crave for new love. For me a new heart I can call home. And a future so wild. The dreams I dream would be nothing compared to the reality I have. Who am I?... look deep... feel it... Im the one trapped behind your eyes... A thought, A memory, The End “Just gonna stand there and here me cry that’s oright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie.”

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I wore my emotions on my sleeve like a wounded solider from the past,

yet you still laughed at my tears, I was their when you cried, every time you laughed I broke a little, you’ll miss now and I’ll be the one with the stone heart, when you’ll be sitting there wishing

Just like me...

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The Greatest Story Ever Told Let me show you the story of the greatest unknown the tales of mystery amongst each soul. With stories of tears, pain and laughter, to hope it ends with a happily ever after. With every step you take a new line is written, you’ll notice in this book you made your greatest decisions. But not forgetting the reality of the mistakes you make. So take a deeper look and let your mind discover and see your life story from cover to cover and even better.

Nobody knows but you.

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His words She left... They say when a man cries his masculinity’s at stake. People laughed at his sensitivity and he hid it hard behind his straight face. Every were he turned he would reminisce the time they spent. His scars surreal, he eyes are sore, she came with her heart but left with her knife. He cries yet no one hears his screams, as his world falls down the love he had becomes weaker and weaker, I could see the pain in his eyes, the pain, he hides, as his soul drifts off to the road of heart break. He dies. A life less cocoon that follows another, no one understood his pain, he laughs and smiles in front of others, but his one and only is on his brain. As he walks in the dark to get home. Only he knows what its like to be alone...And nothing more then a mistake that was made He was the one with the broken heart.

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Guardian Angels Believe in them?? I do, believe that not only gods watching me, but an angel who chooses to watch over me and follow me close. There is some think out there that helps us with our rights and wrongs. Whether that’s your general instinct or a force may be. When gods busy he sends his angels down to look after us. Just may be, Well if you have a crazy mentality & an imagination like mine then you’ll understand. Otherwise you never will. P.S I love being

Miss Understood.

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Broken Dreams To dream a dream of empty thought were life at a point seemed high and fly to leave you, to know you’re dreaming a dream of catastrophe.

Welcome to the world of broken dreams. From when were young we discover our life full of flowers and love for one another, and a few years on we see the reality, where we dreams the dreams that set us free.

Welcome to the world of broken dreams. We fall in love and feel the heavens loosen up, the ground we walk on is the path to the stars, we walk hand in hand and let our love discover, the worlds at stake with the promises we made to one another, none of them fulfilled they were lies, we dreamed the dreams of the past you see.

Welcome to the world of broken dreams. Broken dreams are the promises we made with our subconscious mind, as we let our souls fiddle with our imagination, to see the depth of what we think, the dreams are dreams that sync with the present. I dreamed a dream of reality, were happiness shone like the sun in summer, people walked and had no reason to stutter, people respected and life was free, till I woke up to see the truth of what’s happening from every look, the dream I dreamed was a trap I gathered. Being in a world of make belief were nobody believes in me, or looks twice to help. Just another broken dream I guess. A broken promise I’ll never forget.

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Emotional Suicide Funny how your imagination can play pure tricks on you, for example I was in the bath and for some reason I kept imagining that I was drowning. Like I literally stopped breathing. Weird huh, but the sensation was how awkward to say...amazing. So this is what my imagination did to me. Walking in to water, so calm that the waves felt like cushions against my legs. And the deeper and deeper I became the warmth of my body made the sea my watery bed, so I tred softly amongst the soft sand, and walked till water raised amongst the sky. And with one last breath. I went under... there was no struggle, there was no cry the water washed away the pain inside. I closed my eyes as my lungs suffered and watched my float underwater. As I lay there my body relaxed my vision became weaker and weaker. and for the last moment now my life flashed the scenes in my head I once regretted, its all done now nothing is left, forget it now, I forgot. & now I’m blind my body shuts down & there are no empty signs it’s over... as I lay there in my watery grave… Awkward!!

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In my mind... Even though thoughts seem so rare at this time I can help nothing but negative. May be because the situation or episode that my life is going through. As much as people tell you to stay strong... There’s always that one person that no matter what happens. And as much as you smile. You can't help but. Cry. Leaving the house this morning as I waited for the bus I sat and watch people walk past me makes me think. What's going through there minds. Are they in the same situation as me? You can't really tell. In all fairness I'd be scared to see. *** So she sat quietly on the bus looking outside. In her eyes you could see the questions running through her mind. And as her eyes looked up to clear skies. Her heart screamed for the answers. Of all questions that lay embedded in to her soul. No answer... Just tears, Even so she seems to cry yet people look to see. Like a scene on TV, yet struggled to see, past it. Assuming she's just emotional and on the edge, she may be. But how do you know if you never asked. The truth, you can never assume what goes on in a persons mind. Questions as silly as will I have beans on toast. and serious to a stage were she questions her own death. *** No I don't have physiological issues. Yes I am a person who can give the world a hug when needed. Yet now when I need one I’m alone. This episode out of all showed me who are the people that I can rely on. And the people who I assumed were there but left as soon as it came to me. I have my faith, my mother and my dear friends. That's all I need.

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In the hands of the beholder. A simple statement that could change the world or bring it to an end. In my hands I carry this one word it has my abbreviations but what do you carry. Do you prove or do you share hands of emptiness amongst the people you care about the most? The depth of a ocean to a simple glance of life in this word. This word starts at the beginning and can be the end. If not used correctly it could bring certain death to those who believed. In my hands you see evidence of its purity, and in my heart nothing but gold. I hold this now to remind you.

"I promise I'll never let go"

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A Bitter Sweet Sacrifice A bitter sweet sacrifice two things we can't, live without nore replace. So in 1 hand I hold my heart and the other my life. So which do I sacrifice first. If I sacrifice my heart. Then I'm sacrificing love, what's life with out love? And if I scarfice life then there will be no more me, so there’d be no love from me. And if I sacrifice both then life isnt really worth living, is it. Its purer then you know, deeper then you’ll see it. And hurts like death.

This is my bitter sweet sacrifice.

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Deep

At that state again, My minds in trance, My thoughts so deep, You’ll cry If you hear them. And weep in your sleep, Like a hypnotic capital, In a single click, We lose it all, And whilst holding a paper, To a scorching flame, We chant “Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust” As it glides slowly on air, Your last breath, Your minds lit, Yet you feel no fear. You scream inside, You suffocate, Your dreams unreal, To good to be true. And with one more gasp, The fire got you. *silence* It over.

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Demons

There’s a lot of things I could say my mind filled with mysterious wonders. And each day I live, I over come another day of study. As each pen writes, let it unfold your mystery to your strength. I know I’ll break free one day, But right now I’m surrounded by demons. These demons seem shaded, seem bitter. I turn around. Oh shit I’m looking at me.

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I set fire to it, a flood of water couldn’t doubt the flame.

Let it burn away, no taunts can harm it but fuel it for a greater flame

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You Found Me

I dreamed a dream he set me free, if it wasn’t for you it was for me, let me loose in to a world unwritten, from mud we form but our hearts break like glass. Or tears form precious diamonds of laughter, yet can be the cause of a ocean of death. We walked on this earth and looked the living away the dreams we dreamed are of another day. A future unknown too good to be true. He left me here in search of you. They say soul mates appear from thin light to dust. Yet I know I cried when I thought of us. Like I said some dreams are too good to be true. He left me here but I couldn’t find you. Many years past and I’m fading away and for the last moments what could I say. I saw the light and their you be standing with your arms open waiting for me. As I sit I left my body and floated on air. For that moment I felt so happy so free. He left me here. And you found me.

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Happy Fathers Day

"Remember on the night you left u took my shining star. Daddy don't leave.” I'm sitting here staring at the place my dad called his royal thrown he left. And his gone for good. As the scent of him fades, even though he still lives. After what his done. That part of me has died. He doesn't realise his mistake all I want to say is dad. You called me your ladli but you never stopped your habits today I sit here with the fear of being homeless as you sit in a warm accommodation starting your new life. Leaving us behind to pickup your own mess. Why dad... I won't cry... And I do miss you. But you ruined me for good. Happy fathers day. Love your little ladli Jyoti x (08/06/11 the day my dad left)

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Winter The gust of wind seems so bitter this time of year, as old flames sparked new flames dimmer. And like the trees around use we become lifeless. Winter creeps in around the corner from the days the ground under your feet would burn, to the mysterious cold setting in leaving your body in shivers. They say life begins at the end of spring. But the main question to ask is “what’s new about us?” have we broken free from the layers of guilt or do we still rot in our shells. The seasons are like the circle of life, and we notice the changes that affect the environment we live in to the people we know and even so our selves. Through out the past year we adapt our selves to new habits, even If you believe you haven’t changed you have a little. But through that change there is a progress of good or bad depends on what path you take to lead. Do you believe in shortcuts to get to your destination or do you take the rough ride for a better result. Life don’t put things in your lap we have to struggle to achieve what we want from it if we cheated the pleasure of it would be smothered in guilt, were as if we work for it the final outcome will feel like heaven in your hands. There are always two ways in every think you do. You can never be confused in what you want to do. Its easy to say I want but if you don’t sacrifice what you have i.e. time, patience. You won’t get it. Don’t dream of reaching the stars If the skies your limit.

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Trust Trust is a major issues in everyday life it takes 2 seconds to happen but if your break it takes a life time to regain. But if you never thought you said you find it hard to trust me, but the question you really need to ask is do you trust your self. I can guarantee you that people who know me well can trust me with there life, as I can with mine. Don’t judge me by your own standards… If you seem to stoop that low that doesn’t mean I will too, I am type of girl that keeps open arms, to not only friend but to enemies. And keep one eye open to see the knife go in to my back. Trust me I am not the type of person to turn to away in need, and I will be the one catching you if you fell and I’ll guarantee you that I’ll be there. I don’t make promises unless I mean it, broken promises are never in my favour. Just watch me even if I suffer in silence if your in pain I’ll be picking up the pieces this is what trust means and this is what trust can do.

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You’ll See How is it I keep wishing on them stars that shine at night knowing I might be wishing on a star that are broken, them dreams them single words we say a lot but, what do we mean when we say I hope. Do you really hope or have you given up inside, almost as if you have stopped believing, if I said that tomorrow is the end how would you take it? Would you see me as the crazy one holding on closed to a past I should of forgotten. Am I crazy to think it feels like I’m fading away. You can’t hear it can you, every breath I’m breathing I suffocate but may be I like it. The way you torture me and hold me in your grasp. The stars may be broken, so is my heart but I never gave up wishing. And those breaths I breathe that suffocate me made me stronger with each stride. Let them starts lead the way, let our souls run free and wild and if you never heard it now, you have missed the greatest adventure of a healing wound. I just wish… One day… You’ll see

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Love to be Loved He looked at me as if I was not normal. As I spoke words of heart he eyes undressed me revealing my wounds from a past forgotten, “What’s wrong with me?” I shouted loud. “Am I that awkward to be loved.” I stopped and thought my heart hold nothing for a person with small thoughts just because you never got what you wanted you taunted my pride for being stuck up self respect isn’t just a claim but a priority, but did you ever think before u spoke? I know what I am some things will never change, your lack of respect shows your mind controlled by filth. “Ha!” Maybe the flaws in YOU.

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Hush Let the cloud bleed, For once they bleed with me, Let wind shatter and break nature with speed, For every harmful word cuts me deep. For years I’ve cried, My petals withered, You still seem to know nothing, But I’ll never stop being me. Your wings seemed wide, But I still cried, Knowing you wouldn’t save me. I may not be him, I never will be, You ran after him, But you left me. You called me useless, “Your thick you’re lazy” With every word I felt the soil under my feet, Wear thin. Now I’m on the edge, I’m forced to leave, But I’d never stop my clouds from bleeding. They see what I see, This may seem silly, But its my reality. From dawn till dusk, My body quivers, When I wake up I’m shattered from tears. You said you don’t know who I am. I never changed, One day I’ll go will you miss me? I’m sorry I’m not perfect, I have never tried to be. I thought it was better just to be me. For you its not. I’m sorry. Let the cloud bleed. My tears have stopped, For once right know they bleed for me.

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in these arms your cold, your fingers weren’t only warm as you placed

them on me not only did you bruise my skin, you bruised my soul.

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Forgive me In dreams in strong, my reality’s weak, every think is so much better when your asleep. In my dreams I stride care free, but when I wake I walk on fire with the sense of loneliness on most corners. Life so great when its in your head, when I wake up now, I wish I was there forgive me if I wish not to wake.

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shh and hear my silent whispers from a heart so cold, I wont weep of

a beautiful nightmare, but I speak from a heart in search of new love.

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Illusion She sat, looking outside her window, we dark clouds scattered the sky and rain fell heavily.A sharp ray of lighting that almost blinded her and a sound of thunder so harsh its tore her apart. She moved on to her bed were she lay shaking in fear, of the storm that life had created. Almost lifeless she held a picture of a past memory that seemed to good to be true, as tears rolled down her face she smiled past her sorrow she lay just staring into space blank. But with 1 million thoughts in her mind she sighed. Placing the picture next to her closing her eyes hoping she never woke up. A silent cry of pain i felt as i stood in the corner of the room where she lay, i watched her suffer and i couldnt do nothink about it i shuddered, eyes filed wit tears but they rolled down, i picked up the mirror to see my reflection but i couldnt see anythink closing my eyes thinking it was illusion to see that when i opened them i was lying on my bed with the same picture next to me of a past i dont regret but had to be forgotten.

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*** I could run away from a nightmare, but I’d be missing a beautiful dream. From your eyes it’s a story, yet it’s not what it seems although were far from perfect in our hearts there’s nothing less. From waking up in the morning to them kisses before we go to bed I wish I could tell you a story of a life time of lucid dreams. A lucid dream so real the thorns are never to be seen, my four walls built around me have scars of a past memory and each crack a tiny screen of regrets I fear to see. But as each day goes by something new unravels. Do you see it? Or is it just me now I accept the history as memories die so sudden and knew pictures lie above the cracks painting in to a master piece deeper then you know it. My life... My home... You... Me... Us... Our story...Our ever after... ***

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Difference Be careful how you tread on swollen soil, before you know it you’ll be in sinking sand, gasping for breath on your death be the deeper you feel it pulling you in, the louder and louder you will scream as the soil crushes all your bones. Mother Nature takes its course and before you know it you’re a corpse looking at your body as a spirit and then it seems, how you didn’t take that chance to fulfil your dream you lived in a crowd and now you suffer when people looked at you it made you shudder. You never thought of being who you wanted to be. A bit late to realise it now, like a lost sheep you gathered in rows and went round harassing hoes, even know you didn’t want to. Your friend influenced you to become the unsinkable know wrapped up in chains you’ll soon discover, your eyes so black It make you feel fear, your trapped inside your mind, you see. Isn’t it about time you broke free you reality’s weak because you never discovered your own truth path to your world undercover. In body you’re walking free, but your mind is trapped under the acceptance.

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1000 Love Letters Later

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*** One night me and a friend sat in my room after a very busy day of doing nothing, and me being me sat and decide to write a book called 1000 love letters later. This was a book that I set as challenge to my self to find my true love within the 1000 letters of writing to my dearest unknown. She asked me how to describe my perfect guy, and the definition wasn’t hard to explain, I said “no one was perfect, but every girl wants a man who expects her for her, regardless of her flaws” What I really wanted was some one who wasn’t only my partner, but my best friend. Some one who truly understood me. She left that night leaving me with thoughts in my head on how I would describe my love for this person. How could some one write a letter to her Unknown if she never knew them? ***

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17th April 2010

Dearest Love of my life,

The world has shown me nothing but stereotypes and hate over the past few days, and still before I cried my self to sleep I day dream of a love that waiting to happen. And to be honest that the only thing that’s keeping me going right now. The past has brought me heart ache, pain, misery and that to him self (the lord almighty) every time something happened he pulled me through. If you read this you’ll realise that I am not your average girl, there’s a little more to me then that, and I ask you, if your with me at the moment of reading this then please look into my eyes and see what my eyes hold, many secrets non of my own, but if you look deeper you will see my soul and the scars left behind it. Memories are precious there either good or bad, the good ones are stored away in my mind and the bad ones scared me for the rest of my life however bad memories can be erased. I cant wait for you to take that first step into my life so we can share the memories together. Reading this to you it may seem like I ask for a lot, but the only thing I would ever ask for is love. Not think more. If you are reading this and understand me then perfect and if you don’t then you’ll have to read me. On a girl who expresses things on paper. But when you do see me and I’ll show you my love, then you’ll see what my love is all about.

Forever and Always

Jyoti xxx

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20th April 2010 Dearest Love of my Life, As yet I haven’t seen you, even though my eyes await your presences, even though I know I feel cold hearted my heart still beats for that one true love... Over the years I have cried so many tears, and bleed over nothing but lust, you may have experienced love already, I know I have I wont lie but it didn’t feel the same. Would it freak you out if I told you I spent numerous nights sitting looking out the window, as my soul scattered amongst the stars, in deep thought about the transformation life will bring when I’ll be in your arms under starlight. People laugh when I say this but have you ever thought of your dream girl, before you sleep and thought to your self “I wonder if she’s thinking of me” . So before I sleep and think I wonder if I’m wrapped her in a cold bed, do you think of me? Or am I not what you expected, since I’ve heard of the “relationship stage” I noticed my eyes look incomplete, do you feel the same? Been in relationships before don’t get me wrong but I’ve never experienced true love or happiness from any of them. I’m a girl with a big heart and plenty of love to give, but as I get older the disbelieve in love get bigger and bigger. But I know when I’ll meet you and look in to your eyes all that will change... Would it be wrong if I told you I loved you already? I don’t want to end up as the old biddy that spent her life looking for the one person that didn’t make her heart skip but stop when ever she walked past the,. For know I’ll wait and tonight I’ll dream, but I hope you’ll be waiting for me too. I Love You ♥ x “If loving you with all my hearts a crime... then I’m guilty” Forever and always, Yours Truly Jyoti xxx

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26th April 2010 Hello again, I’ve had a very negative approach to things lately even so my that dreams are showing me chasing negativity away, quite scary in fact because as you know I’m quite a positive person, but these dreams are causing me to cry in my sleep. And when I wake I constantly gasp, its well weird. I’m 21 in a week today and I’m going to be a pirate. I am excited as well but any hoo back to the love note. If you’re reading this and I am near you then read this loud so I can remember what I said. I am girl with no secrets trust me, but I do many secrets of other peoples, which I wont tell you but don’t ever hesitate to ask me a question regarding me. I am pretty much plated up, so what you see is what you get anyway, I am a open book  me and my mate Anneka, talked about the future I’m a organ donor and according to pundit I’m suppose to die when I’m 25 LOL. So I said to Neka my last wish was to give my heart to the person I loved the most., that would be you. So make sure you put it to good use and give it to some one who truly needs it. Final Note... Love is addiction but also the cause of slow death, I can’t take being heart broken, I’ve died inside before just don’t leave me alone when I need you most. Just like I won’t leave you, Love you Forever and remember to the world you maybe one person but to me you are the world.

Jyoti ♥ xxx

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28 April 2010 Dearest Love, I watched Romeo and Juliet the other day and was so intrigued to see how, 2 star crossed lovers died in the name of love. How sweet no?? So much so it makes you think how much of bitch love really is, they were soul mates do you believe in soul mates I do . I believe that there is one person out there that is made for me, and obviously that is you. Unless you are dead, (touch wood you aren’t) because then I’d be writing to your spirits. My heart sunk as I looked beyond the stars I watched my spirits ponder before me, in the search for my happy ever after. Tears fell down my face at the sense of loneliness, the past left me and like an incomplete jigsaw, I’ll wait for that piece to make me complete. Too lovers died in the name of love, that was clashed with family feuds but hearts so strong they’ll live together. As true hearts that died in the name of love, rest in each others arms, and from heaven they watched our hearts build, our happily ever afters. And for people like me show us ways as star glistened before me I made a wish upon the stars that prince is waiting for me, as times goes by each chapter closes and days become weaker and weaker, blood was shed and hearts were torn, our should begin to wonder... Lost. As each star glisten but one so bright you cant help but treasure its beauty to make you see there is so much more to love pain and glory. Hope you this makes you think of what the world has in hold for us. Treasure each moment you spend  before you know it, it’ll be us watching down and celebrating the meaning of life and love. Yours truly, Forever and always Jyoti xxx

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30th April 2010 Dearest Unknown, I was reading over some stuff I wrote the other day and thought, “hold up?!”. That all I ever wrote about was a woman’s heart break. But never thought even mean have hearts (well some). But no matter how huge your exterior is, every man comes to a stage when they have given up hope and cried. Yes mister if doesn’t matter how strong hearted you are., or your reputation for the matter. But if women can cry before they sleep. Then some were some men do to. *** For no once can hear his cries, the tears that rolled down his favour meant nothing for others but a punishment for the one, he lay still thinking of memories, and the good times they spent together. Has his eyes closed he saw his heart shatter, as he took his thorny path down the road of heartbreak. In line for a quick recovery he stood still and smiled as he saw the girls of his dreams in the arms of another, hoping one day he could hold her. And say “who knew friends could become lovers” but until that day he will live. But as each moment will go by he will be happy but watch his heart break, as the girl he gave his heart to slowly get taken away. *** You can be as macho as you want babe, but when it comes to matter of the heart, if one tear doesn’t fall then my name isn’t Jyoti. I’m very emotional person, I’ll never ask you to sympathise over my problems but tell you know, when ever you need me... Call me... I’m just one phone call away. I’ll be your guardian angel just as long as you want me to be.  . This is the third letter in a week. Properly thinking What the hell?!. LOL Love you forever and always Truly Yours Jyoti xxx

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1st May 2010 Hello Sunshine, I had a bath and was listening to songs that made me feel happy, and then it made me think of things that I’ve always wanted to do when I’m with some on like you. Jyoti’s list of what she wants to do 1. Kiss in the rain (oh so romantics) 2. Kiss while the sunsets 3. Slow dance – haven’t done it went to prom but didn’t have a date. 4. Beneath the trees, we watched the sky confusing starts. Satellites. 5. Write Jyoti ♥ (unknown) in the sand. 6. Cuddle up on the sofa and watch movies. 7. I LOVE TO BE CUDDLED. 8. Show me your world and I’ll show you mine.  9. Running out of things to say, I’m sure you have plenty. 10. Erm... I Love You  Yeah that pretty much it  gosh am such a freak but get used to it. I don’t know when you’ll read this, but if its 10 years down the line remember the song called With You by Chris Brown that song  is the song I dreamed of dancing to but your face was fizzled so I couldn’t really tell. But it was in the middle of Victoria square by the fountains and lights, just me and you it was amazing . I hope it doesn’t come across as I ask for a lot. I really don’t if you can’t give me what I want then just tell me you love me. And that list above all happened in my imagination just remember I love you and that’s all that matters. For ever and always Truly Yours Jyoti xxx

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04th may 2010 Hey, I’m 21 woo. Kind of shocking still hasn’t sunk in at the moment, as you should know it was my birthday yesterday and yes it was awesome. Back to the letter... Well dearest unknown what can I say, even though turning 21 hasn’t sunk in last night before I slept I couldn’t help but realise how cold I’ve become and trust me its not normal for me to be like this. It almost as if I’m turning to a humbug. “Bah humbug”. (I actually said that as I wrote it.) But normally if I don’t care, inside I genuinely don’t give a rat’s ass. Is that bad??? As a child I always got taken for granted, and as I’m getting older like 1 millionth of my heart turns black, and now I’m 21 so from the a 11 that’s a lot. For 2 reasons my hearts to big and I don’t know how long I’m living for, a few weeks before I was sitting here crying slitting my wrist and now I smile and stuff, were as before all I wanted to do was die. And know I now I know I want to live and make a difference to all people and before I sleep stupidly enough I look forward to writing you letters. Dearest love of my life The past has taught me to smile through sorrow but the least a fake one, I don’t believe in fake promises and I’ve made many my self but never fake promised another. I’m not a person to leave whilst you suffer, yet some lessons are best learnt alone. But that doesn’t mean I wont be the to support you. You can count on me for a shoulder to cry on, and when your eyes are tiered and sore, then arms and heart to rest. Remember... I dropped a tear in the ocean the day you find it is the day I stop loving you. (Close your eyes open your heart, & you’ll find me). Truly Yours Jyoti Xx ♥ xX

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23rd may 2010 Dearest Unknown, If I could tell you what on my mind, my heart would splatter before me, it hurts to know that were ever you are my stories will never end. I’d ask you once to look at my eyes and tell me what you see, a heart of guilt or a heart so pure. My words of heart notes scatter on pieces of paper, and if one day, I won’t live long, it is better sooner then never. If I could describe in 1000 words the love I have inside every earth I walk upon will be my little guide on every tree to living creature you’ll see the truth unravel. When a crazy girl unfolds patterns that will not heal, the same mistakes I make again not learning from the past ones, people who are dear to me will see my reality of a girl who would swim 1000 oceans just to see you smile, who could ask for more then that but a sacrifice I’m willing to make, just to see the face of someone I loved closer to me. “I never make promises lightly, there have been some that I’ve broken, but we will walk amongst the fields of gold.” Love is some think I crave, it’s some think I need to live, but when it comes to situations like now, I’m scared to suffer the consequence, of pure hearted love. I told you before and ask you again if I told you I loved you already would you let me self destruct? Feel so trapped behind 4 walls, if my bleeding hands don’t mean any think to you now. But if you saw them would you still love me. Diamonds and rubies mean nothing to a soul, don’t stand there and make me see the world as a fairy tale, I’ve seen drama, pain and struggle. Just show me love, from your heart from heart, your eyes your soul need to combine and then you will see the real me. Lots of love forever and always Jyoti xxx Love me for me not what you see. ♥

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21st September 2010 Dearest Love, It’s getting hard to count down the days till I see you, for some reason it seems like a life times, I wonder in the page in my thought book is true. That I’d be the old biddy that died on her death bed looking for her long lost, who knows but curious eh. Who knows even alcohol doesn’t seem right, even when it gets you merry you get happy, I’m happy but only because of the intoxication, that isn’t right is it. Many miles away seems light years is it even possible to love some one you don’t even know, seems weird doesn’t it? If you’re a soul mate then may be you’ll feel what I feel may be some were you’ll be doing the same thing. If I wrote love letter for you, have you done the same for me well would you? Actually that would be quite flukey if you ask me. I watched a Bollywood film the other day “Mera Naam Joker” and realised some think, that even a clown cant cry and sometimes I feel the same. I’m the type of girl that could make the world smile even if torn inside. But I promise my self I wouldn’t cry today’s date 21/09/10. Even if I don’t find you I don’t want to remembered as the girl that spent most her life crying. But to be remembered as the girl that always smiled, it’s the best way and the new way to live an old life. Love you forever and always Jyoti Xx ♥ xX

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Dearest Unknown, The art of loneliness is a painful one, to sit and see people in front of me so happy makes me want to scream. Does that make me selfish? Or am I just falling again, the biggest question I ask my self if will you catch me when I fall, for now. I’ll wait days I’ve spent crying over happiness but not my own, yesterday I couldn’t hold my tears back. Even so I woke up crying and went to sleep in tears, but I still woke up to brand new day yet so sign of you, and I’m still living as if your heart beats inside me, does my heart beat inside you too, even though you may be many miles away. How could be that thought of you brings a smile to my face, even if I’m torn apart inside. I don’t know you yet I miss you. A quote I remembered as I watched the sunrise over empty houses. “I love you more then yesterday and less then tomorrow” and even so like a rose bud in a thorn bus it frowns and the more it grows the deeper I fall for you, I’d say no man could ever compete to the love you could give. And you could be the poorest man on earth yet have the biggest heart of all. Still words can describe how I feel, this is nothing at the moment I live like a shadow and I’m scared to see what my future holds. But I know when I’m in your arms nothing could hurt me. May be you’ll be my night in shiny armour after all, I’m so excited but at the same time to think that it could take my entire life, but I’ll wait. Love you forever and always Jyoti xxx

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Dearest Love, As night gets longer, the more stars you see, and each star I see has a mysterious glow and each one has its own uniqueness, and when I see you I hope to see the glow in you, because that how I roll. . A lot of people look for the abbreviation on the word love, were as many of us search for the meaning. I don’t think any one has really felt or heard of the true meaning of it unless you know she’s the one. I hope I get that feeling when I see you. Just another day at work I’m sitting here surrounded by mindless people, that don’t have any meaning. Life at the moment is dull and the thing I most look forward to is when I put pen to paper to write these letters, that’s my only release and a good one at that. *** I spent numerous hours sitting night, outside the garden looking at the stars and walking clouds that clear the midnight sky, the beauty of it to know that when you lay still for one moment the whole world moves around you. But a shallow feeling in your hear. Have you looked around, did you think I’d be standing there. I know that when my stars shine they shine for you, and when your world will com to a stand still. Look around you’ll see me standing there with my arms wide open I’ll be there... *** Forever and Always Jyoti xxx

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Dear Love, It’s a warm summer’s day and I’m sitting on the stairs of Victoria square, writing letters to my one and only, don’t you feel special. Well you should. Breeze sends shivers down my spine, strangers walk past at look at me writing my letter to my dearest Unknown. A step to the future has no boundaries to seek the past, its long gone and forgotten. The sun shines in smaller showings to see and feel the warmth I hold inside. Is it more or does the weather know how I feel too. A little cloud but rays of hope none the less. A new weights been lifted, and a sign of relief. I take it now that means I have nothing that ties me to the past. But an empty closet, to fill up with the future, pain and regrets but most of all love from you. The atmospheres busy but I’m on a standstill, if your near by me now were are you, you wont be here just yet. But I’ll wait. The world is becoming a natural disaster, and even though one day we all have to go the world will leave before us. Dad said the world ends in 2011, after September the world won’t exist. I don’t believe in that. But out of curiosity, if it did were would you be. I’ll be 22 most likely not married, with my family and hopefully with you. What a song to end the letter, 3 doors down - Here without you. The song I listened to the most when I spent my time writing my letters to you. Love you forever and always Jyoti xxx

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Hold that thought... For years I spent writing letters to my Unknown, and like I said in my last letter, by September I will be 22 most likely not married with my family and hopefully you.

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David Years went by I searched over and under not knowing I had some think so strong. From dawn till dusk I went through and through and at the end I found you. It’s weird how things change. Every girl wants a man who could be her best friend. She wants a man who will be there till the end. And for someone like me, I have know got what every girl wanted. A best friend who is now my lover, My heart … And my soul… I am truly blessed and lucky to have you in my life. Love You Fatty xxx

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And she lived happily ever after...

Every song I listen to has a meaning or a dept to my life, people either respect the lyrics or the quotations you post for me personally all lyrics and saying have become apart of me, when I’m older I’d love to become a poet or a author, to speak the world over and to make my readers relate to things I write. If physically I’m understood, then when I write my thoughts or my heart on paper I want people to relate and understand the aspects of each and everyday life, that we all have to face at some point or another, I am a romantic at heart and love to think that when people read my heart notes they understand me for who I truly am. I do believe god had blessed with the freedom of speech and blesses even more that I was blessed with written speech. Thank you Lord I don’t write to make people change their aspect of living life and then live life by a written book of Jyoti, things don’t ever work like that. But to open your eyes, your heart and your soul not to only make things better for your self but for the people who you love and are close to you. It doesn’t take a 23 year old to make you look inside but if you truly feel what I feel then you’ll understand me, and agree to every step I move or I am about to take.

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This is not your average book. Everybody has moments in their life were they felt an emotion so over whelming that it caused them to think, some times over think about a situation. This book is of a person who has no name hence why she’s known as the Unknown. And like everybody else she went through emotions that affected her every day life. And wrote them on pieces of paper, as each piece of paper became a security blanket this reminded her constantly that some were else in this world someone whether boy or girl once felt how she felt at a certain stage of his/her life. This is just to remind you. That no matter what happens even if your close to break, you are never alone. No matter who you are.

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