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All the NEWS THAT FITS”

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FEATURES Babies Making Double 22 Babies

Scientists that are also babies sucessfully By Tofu Grace

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Is the Union Weekly 4 Real with this? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! By Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo

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The Prom Queen of Souls

Whitney Houston returns from the grave with some bloody good hits. By Dingle Burt

ROCK & ROLL 32 This New Band I Found on Spotify I forget the name but it’s really good. By Timothy Tooth

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The Rise and Fall of Def Lepers A group of ostricised lepers that changed the face of music today. By (Insert Author Name Here)

DEPARTMENTS

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Shitty Weekend at a Weird Beach Let me know what that article is about. I haven’t read it yet. By Miak Ernest

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Sex Scenes in Cinema Erotic stuff you should watch when your mom leaves for the store. By Peenus Travels

ON THE COVER

March 24, 2014

Photo of Whitney Houston performing post-mortem at the Roxy, by Moldi Shangles/Smarch. rottingscone.com

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“Everyone needs a little biscuit in their life.” — Gwen Stefani on the meaning of gravy and the fourth wall.

CRAZY NEON LIFE Ke$ha drops the American dollar sign and adopts the Australian dollar sign instead to increase her economic value and is now able to afford more glitter

ICE T AND COCO T’S BIG T IN TAHITI The couple vacays in French Polynesia to introduce from their bubble tea franchise. The Ts hope that this publicity will increase viewership of their show Ice Loves Coco in Tahiti.

BACK TO NATURE Lorde chills with Australian geckos to prepare for her newest gig as the Geico gecko.

A NEW WORLD ORDER Jay-Z and Drake discuss

to the Illuminati.

RACE ME TO HELL gender stereotypes by riding the newly released Simpson also hopes to bring awareness to teenagers that Toys R Us is still cool as he shops

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ONE AND APPARENTLY NOT THE SAME Jaden Smith reveals he and Willow are not the same person despite several studies proving they are.

ARMPITS GONE WILD for PETA on Instagram by showcasing her homegrown fur to be used in her new line of winter coats. The songstress also plans to donate some of her fur to

March 24, 2014


REVIEWS MUSIC

Dino-pimpin’ w/Bruno Mars’ New album Bruno Mars Cretaceous Period

The modern king of retro pop is back with the second release in his trio of animal-themed melodies, an only mildly misogynistic trip to the Cretaceous Period. Piano, xylophone, and full-symphony choral elements accompany the song’s eponymous master of the skies’ hunt for a mate, but even the most audacious musical sweeps are innocuous when compared with lyrics like, “Sweep down on you, swift sweep down.” We’re curious about the conclusion to Bruno’s “Gorillas”-and“Velociraptor” trio, but only to see whether he can actually get stranger than this.

Just the way you ROAR: Bruno Mars

Vampire Weekend ModernMermaids Of the City

Bada$$ Bernanke Fed Up

Selena Gomez Undisclosed 2016 Bruce Willis Movie Sountrack the Album

Only ten months after the release of their last studio album, Vampire Weekend releases Modern Mermaids of the City—prematurely. Songs like "Aqua Babe" contain random dolphin noises. Looks like they are taking the title of a song from their last album, "Diane Young"—a play on "dyin' young"—a little too seriously. That YOLOesque phrase is meant for spontaneous and ill-funded road trips, not releasing your next studio album.

After his stint as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke returns with his debut gangsta rap album Fed Up. Despite his inexperience in the rap world, his lyrics are more hardcore than Eurozone austerity measures. "Bitches just can't resist the temptation

Selena Gomez released her new single in response to public confusion regarding her reunion with longtime douchebag Justin Beiber. The song, entitled "Old Habits Die Hard," describes the pair's toxic relationship held together by excessive spending and cheap scandal. Said Gomez, "I mean, sometimes you need a little stupid in your life." Look for the song in her latest album: Undisclosed 2016 Bruce Willis Movie Soundtrack.

March 24, 2014

are snippet off of ‘Adam Smith and Wesson.’" The most memorable track on his album is his R&B/rap duet with Drake entitled "Keynes to Your Heart.” This is the gold standard for rap today.

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HEADWATCH

Pharrell Williams

UNDER

PAID

for $44,100 hat Singer-songwriter Pharrel Williams made headlines in Rotting Scone earlier this month for the $44,100 sale of his “Grammys hat,” the oversized chapeau featured in the award-winning song “Happy,” to Arby’s. The proceeds from the sale went to Williams’ charity for at-risk youth, and both sides seemed happy with the deal; upon 1916 closer examination, however, it looks like Williams should probably have held out for a higher price. 1921 *All currencies reported have been converted to 2014 US dollars.

Six of the 26 pelts are sold to a country store in Louisville, Mississippi. Cost: $15 and the trader’s stubbed toe at the low price

1910

Two of the pelts are “carroted” into felt by factory workers in central Mississippi. Cost: $120 in wages and three deaths by mercury poisoning The felt is dyed to the famous “camel” color, then lost when the factory burns. Cost: $157 in dye and three camels

1926

The felt is found by an impoverished mother and moulded over soup pot into hat. Cost: Four days’ worth of soup that wouldn’t have existed anyway The hat is implicated in black market trading and causes the stock market to crash.

1929

Cost: The Great Depression

1936

2010

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Twenty-six beaver pelts are collected and sold to a cross-country trader. Cost: $1500 in supplies, $250 in lodging, and one trapper’s sanity

Late 1890s

Ashamed at its actions, the hat emigrates to England and goes into hiding. Cost: $1700 in ship fare and $25,000 in subsequent upkeep The hat is discovered by British designer Vivienne Westwood and forced into the “Happy” song, despite its continuing shame. Cost: $26,000 in slave labor

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Total Costs:

$54,742

Plus one person’s sanity, three deaths, one stubbed toe, three camels, and the Great Depression.

Arby’s got a deal.

March 24, 2014


ROCK&ROLL

Unarmed and Dangerous The story behind the band that fell apart before their limbs did By Miguel Madera

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f a single word could describe the story of Deaf Lepers, it would be “Yeah.” From their humble beginnings in a garage in Long Beach’s notorious Cossack District to that tore them apart, the common refrain among their legions of dedicated fans is “Yeah, that stuff happened.” Deaf Lepers started out as the brainchild of singer Julia Beaverdam, known as Katie Kaos to her friends, fans, and the justice system of the State of California. With the intention of starting the world’s first psychedelic nu-metal band, she found the help of friends Notorious XL (Guitarist), Ruby Sharpe (Bassist) and Pat Saint (Drummer) to make this dream into a reality. common background, with all of them coming from California’s most prominent leper colony, Riverside. By coincidence, they all met each other while in Long Beach seeking a better life and an escape from the prejudice of the desert. However, as they began practicing together, their leprosy deteriorated until their ears fell off. While most bands would give up at this critical juncture, Deaf Leper instead found the inspiration for their name and moved boldly ahead, playing shows throughout Southern California, and putting in their time on the local Long Beach scene. From the bottom of the local scene, playing DiPiazzas on Wednesday nights to the heights of glitz and glamor, playing DiPiazzas on Friday nights, their attitude was always optimistic and forward looking. But their time was limited. As Leper

March 24, 2014

Colony, Katie’s addiction began to take a toll on the band. Ruby Sharpe

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period “Katie loved to do this shit, where she’d just put a whole bunch of ice in her mouth and leave it there. She said it numbed her and it felt good; I can kind of understand that given the tough period she was going through, But her tongue was so numb and cold, she couldn’t even sing properly. By Leper Colony, she was just a mess.” On the day that Leper Colony hit stores to positively mediocre reviews, Katie Kaos had passed away in her sleep. She was found next to 10lb bag of ice, unconscious. The LA County coroner recorded the cause of death as “literal brain freeze,” however detectives have not ruled out homicide or discovered a motive in this cold case. Leper Colony work of Deaf Lepers, going on to sell nationwide, a total of 37 copies. Her bandmates agree that Katie would’ve loved to see the band succeed beyond their wildest expectations.

COLONIZE THIS (1) A shrine to the recently deceased Katie Kaos, otherwise known as Julia Beaverdam. Julia passed away 2 months ago today (2) A rowdy show in which the band’s guitarist Notorious XL threw his leprosy ridden hand into the audience

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Whitney’s Ghost

I WILL

ALWAYS HAUNT YOU America’s queen of soul returns from the grave to speak to us about her career, her aspirations and what it’s like to be a ghost

JWEEB JWORMPH Earlier this month, the Earth stood still when it discovered that Whitney Houston had been resurrected. The formerly deceased diva has returned in the form of an apparition. Since her untimely passing in 2012, Houston has missed a lot, but she is determined to make a triumphant return with a superstar comeback. We were intrigued and curious to discover what Houston had planned, so we sat down with her spirit and discussed her latest artistic endeavors. know, being a ghost and all,”

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explained Houston. “But after you exit the Phantom Realm, things become much easier. I’ve mastered my levitation skills and I’ve learned to adapt to my unique semi-existence.” It was nearly impossible to keep a straight face during the interview,

eating. Without any options left, I went to Necronomicon.com and learned that I had to suck the life force out of children in order to avoid becoming a malnourished ghost. Sucking someone’s soul is as simple as sucking the smoke from a pipe.”

physical and metaphysical laws truly perplexed us. We could not understand how a spirit could survive without nurturing from the material world. “For

foray since returning hasn’t been in music, but an attempt to appear in another Hollywood movie. “I was offered a part in the newest Ghostbusters movie, but everything fell through once Harold Ramis passed. It was disappointing.” Despite this setback, Houston is optimistic.

starving. I did not know that I needed sustenance to survive. I

March 24, 2014


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Whitney’s Ghost

WE BARELY KNEW YE (1) Houston sings for her eternal life at the National Society of Ghouls and Ghoulettes (2) Glowing with pride and a ghostly aura, Houston sings her lesser-known hit, “I’m Hiding In Your Basement.”

“I’ve communicated with a few of the phantoms in the Phantom Realm to help Ramis traverse the boundless spirit universe. He should be back in a year or so to continue the production.”

W

e were excited to hear that Houston has plans

that she doesn’t want to give her music career another go. We asked her why she was focusing on acting and diverting her talent away from music. “I’ll get to it eventually. Sometimes when I’m bored, I

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ghostwrite songs for people. But, there’s this void and that’s why I don’t want to go back into music so soon. Ever since I made The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner, my entire career has been downhill. Everyone sings that fucking song from the movie, and it’s so annoying. They even sang it at my funeral. And, yeah, I know that it’s a great song, but I’ve been so much more than that,” said Houston. “But, I’m thinking of piggybacking off the namesake and releasing the sequel to the song entitled, “I Will Always Haunt You.” I’m

thinking of including my ghostly friends, like Michael Jackson, Otis Redding, and Ghostface Killa. We entertained the thought of having the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, make an appearance, but past experiences taught me that it’s best to avoid singers with the last name of Brown. Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.” In conclusion, the ghost of Whitney is currently haunting the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. This was an agreement she made with the producers of Cinderella prior to her death.

“Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.” March 24, 2014


CHARTS iTUNES TOP 10 SONGS

COLLEGE RADIO TOP 10 ALBUMS

1 Avenged Seinfeld

1 Avenged Seinfeld

Top 40 Albums 1

Trill

2 PyNZ Columbia

3 4 5

Kevin Tran Stamp The Experience Sony/Universal Jack Gray Capitol

Jabba Script Hungry Heart Prospect Park

Trill

Trill

Avenged Seinfeld

6

2 Avenged Seinfeld

2

Trill

TR@$H Columbia

3 Kevin Tramp Stamp

Babes in Arms Warner Bros.

8

3 Avenged Seinfeld

9

Syco

Geffen

6 RCA

7

14 15

Barky Bark

Fantasy

16

8

Lava/Republic

Artium

RCA

17

Def Jam/ Mexican Summer

9

9

RCA Reprise

Young Money/Cash Money

Pump It Mexican Summer

Motown

8

Hollywood

13

Team Lava/Republic

7

Geffen

12

Patriarch

Young Money/Cash Money

6

10 11

5

5

Gary Streamline

4

4

Kramer Sugar

Geffen

Trill

The Experience Sony/Universal

19/RCA

7

18

Streamline

Artium

Republic Nashville

10

10 4 Beards/EMI Nashville

19

My 501s Republic Nashville

From the Vault

Artium

20

Syco

21 Republic Nashville

22 Disturbing tha Peace/Capitol

23 Matriarch

24 4 Beards/EMI Nashville

25 Sony/Universal

26 27

Def Jam

Bada$$ Bernanke Young Money/Cash Money

28 29 30

Babes in Arms

Merge RCA Kidinakorner/Interscope

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Avenged Seinfeld

32

Avenged Seinfeld

Trill Trill

33 34

Ariola

American Bada$$

Monkeywrench

35

RCA

36 Roadrunner

Fed Up

37 Duck/Reprise

38

Virgin

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will

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have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly

March 24, 2014

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What Am I? Interscope BBC/Apple/Capitol

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Jennifer Cierra

M/M Romance with Heart www.jennifercierra.com

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