Opinions
3
Some Weird Letter to the Editor By Augustus Krider
I was on my usual Friday afternoon walk from the dorms to 7-11 to get scratchers and Starbursts, and as I walk, I grab a Union encounter this advertisement: “Freelance Journalists Needed Aspiring and experienced freelance writers needed for upstart publication. Strong social media preferred but not required. Starting $2 per word. (562) 301-3252” Now here is the thing that got me, two dollars per word. I’ll sit down and write every damn word I know for that rate. To be clear, two dollars per word means this piece is already worth two hundred and seventy four dollars. So, needless to say, I knew it was bullshit, but I couldn’t help but feel I had possibly hit the lottery. There was
a serious inkling of me that thought I could make some money. After all, I was aspiring to be a journalist, also an astronaut, and a professional bocce ball player. As for experience, I have read “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Old Hunter S. Thompson would be my spirit guide. In fact, my words would probably be considered worthy of $3.92 a piece because of my experience and my ostensibly rich vocabulary. I now understood what I didn’t before; that ad had been placed by some rich child from Orange County with a love for Rolling Stone magazine and a wish to start their own zine, despite both the nineties and print media being dead. Obviously at the supposed word rate, Daddy’s startup money would soon be gone, but I harbored the idea that I could write up five hundred words on Bernie Sanders or whatever Money Bags was into and make the first edition. Cash in that one thousand dollar check and call it good. I wouldn’t even shed a tear for the bankrupt zine.
I was hardly ready for anybody to actually answer. When the person did pick up, I went straight to business: “Hello! My name is Gus Krider and I am calling about your ad in the Long Beach Union Weekly.” The person on the other end’s response was perfect. “Uhhhh what ad?” I was so instantly annoyed; rich kids were a pet peeve of mine that I had forgotten. So “Freelance Journalists Needed.” “Oh…I didn’t know they had put my number on that.” Her response threw me for a loop. “They” implied multiple people. Could there be this many people so bad at math in the world? Where is America’s economy headed? The next line is the real kicker however. The girl receiving my phone call very politely says, “Just so you know, we cannot pay you. We just wanted to see who would call.” This was not shocking but very disheartening. The rest was just a polite sales
pitch about working for the Union Weekly for free, which just shows that our school paper is almost an excellent troll. They had me for a few moments. However, their form at the end was weak; they tried to make a sales pitch after what was essentially a practical joke. The girl who answered was too polite and laughed nervously while receiving my call. And that, friends, is why I will attempt to write for them, not because I want to give them my words for free, but because I want to be the guy who answers that phone call from ruse with proper grace and form. “YES, WE ARE GOING TO PAY YOU 2 DOLLARS A WORD, AND WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF MONEY, I HAVE SOME PENIS ENLARGING PILLS TO SELL YOU; DUMBSHIT. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT PRINT MEDIA IS DEAD?” If you like Augustus’ humor, follow him on Twitter @Guskrider.
Some Weird Response Back
By Katie Cortez I want to start by saying that I am not a “rich child from Orange County with a love of Rolling Stone magazine.” I hate Orange County, have lived in North Long Beach my whole life, and although I have a deep passion for music, I really don’t like Rolling Stone. I’ve been working crappy part-time jobs since I was 16 and could never consider myself a “rich kid.” The word “zine” isn’t in my vocabulary. Some friends and I have toyed with the idea of starting our own magazine in Long Beach, but it hasn’t really blossomed into more than won’t be a cut-and-paste “zine” that we get photocopied at Fed-Ex. Those fan-made zines are an insult to any aspiring journalist. The night you called my cell phone, I had
of volunteers who are here to learn the basic skills of a journalist without the restrictions of a professor or advisor looking over your shoulder or telling you what to write. Our volunteers are here for the experience and the friendships we’ve created within our
TECHNICAL HELP WANTED Looking for tech-savvy persons with knowledge in AutoCAD, Adobe CS5+ and C++. Minimum 5 years exp. Pay negotiated. Call (562) 233-9514
BIKE FOR SALE Momentum Street Bike w/700C wheels, used only 3 times in the mini-fridge. Try not to feel like you’ve been trolled too hard, at least three members of the UW phone number asking about it. We weren’t trying to troll anyone; we just wanted to see if people would respond to and be interested wrote the fake ad assumed that no one would
after a long day of school, Union Weekly work,
it, journalists don’t get that lucky. So, on
So, when I answered the phone, I was a bit groggy and confused by your voice on the other side of the phone. Even though I’m in charge of running the paper, I don’t have it in my budget to pay writers. Or editors. Or anyone who really deserves it. Believe me, if I could, I would, but unfortunately I don’t get to make that
inadvertently trolling you. I wasn’t lying about your writing, I really enjoyed it and hope that you decide to come
Talk to you soon, Katie
$300 OBO NO LOWBALLERS (562) 233-9514
FREELANCE JOURNALISTS NEEDED Aspiring and experienced free lance writers needed for upstart publication. Strong social media preferred but not required. Starting $2 per word. (562) 301-3252