News: 4-5 Feature: 6-9 Opinions: 10 Culture: 11 Entertainment: 12 Music: 13 Literature: 14 Comics: 15
The promising birth and slow death of the Masterâ€™s in Dramatic Writing P. 6
AN INCOMPLETE TRUTH April 8 2013 Volume 72 Lbunion.com
Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief email@example.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor email@example.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Michael Wood, Opinions Editor email@example.com Brianne Schaer, News Director firstname.lastname@example.org John Villanueva, Music Editor email@example.com Connor O’Brien, Entertainment Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Wes Verner, Literature Editor email@example.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Rose Feduk, Comics Editor email@example.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Gabe Ferreira, Art Director email@example.com Brian Mark, Art Director firstname.lastname@example.org Connor O’Brien, Photo Editor email@example.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor firstname.lastname@example.org Leo Portugal, Web Manager email@example.com Eric Garcia, Advertising Executive firstname.lastname@example.org Assitant Editors: Camille Hove, Tyre Jones, Sierra Patheal, Katie Healy, Wes Young, Eddie Viramontes Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Ben Novotny, Amy Patton, Rachel Clare, Molly Shannon, Christy Bonham, Roque Renteria, Alia Sabino, Irene Thaiss, Nathan Moore, Chris Fabela, Rebecca Pincolini, Alex Miklovic, Ryan Adams Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures Questions? Comments? Quips? CA 90815. E-mail: email@example.com
Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief
I can’t breathe this is what happens when you go two days in a row without sleeeping I don’t have the stength the hold my hands up but I will make sure there’s no spelling errors yeaah anyways I”m spent guys so I’m taking a page of of Virginny Woof ’s book and just laying down my thoughts unfiltered oop I just thought of dicks gummy bears old cartoons Living Single in a ‘90s kinda world I’m glad I got my girl you should give up fat nerd I’m sleeping while driving in autopilot robot man and I cant stop okay that’s enough. damnI just reread everything and there’s like three spelling errors and now I’m a
liar.Liar liar catch on fire Jim Carry and drew Cary havinfg a baby and that movie was like my childhood Jennifer Tilly and the green dress and her rack I think I learned what sex was from watchign that, but now I know all about sex from the internet oh I miss the internet I want the just sit in a hammok is tha possivle and watch interente nah I’ll keep that typo so as you can tell I watch a ton of internet and I know all the coolest shows I can hook you up with the 411 if you say hey to me in real life I miss the warmth of human interaction and the sun the sun the sun it hurts Hocus Pocus referus
it was my life still is bitches is my only problem haha runoff elections run off of what? the earth? captain planet he’s the man for you well this is gonna be the greatest love of all nope dead done peace dooces DUECES DRAG RACE I hope Rose watched the last episode by now poor thing probably just as pooped as I am I should buy her lunch lunch food that is what I must do robot out. Vin’s Two ‘Cents are all spent up this week. Turn to page 6 to read real writing.
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Student Spotlight: Nina Lodico The artist dishes the dirt behind her video series on display in the Student Art Galleries Vincent Chavez Editor-In-Chief Nina Lodico chats with the Union Weekly about her upcoming show in the Student Art Galleries. Her video series focusing on connectivity and emotion will be on display April 14-18. Stop by, admission is free. UW: How does someone obtain a space in the gallery? NL: Each semester you have to have a faculty member sign off on your show. Then you have to meet with them several times throughout the semester to show them what you’re doing and they say what’s good with your show and what’s not working. Then the artist statement and final work must be approved, and if it’s not approved it can stop you from having a show in the following semesters.
UW: What is the focus of your show? NL: When I first started this I was kind of curious about the connections between people and what happens when that connection stops and how one feels and obviously I’m a very feeling person so I’m really able to produce that in my work. My first video is “Please Stay” and that’s the one that’s on my show card. It’s pretty much me saying please stay over and over again. And then there’s crying that happens. It’s my crying. Some of it’s real, some of it’s not but it sounds pretty damn real. And then there’s multiple tracks where after a while you don’t even know what you’re listening to because it’s too much. Then it fades into me saying, “Please stay, stay.” Then I have another one that’s my breathing video. And that one’s actually
quite more sexual and intimate. My last one is me reciting this poem about as I take my last breath and it’s more about this separation between two people and that moment—I was picturing myself on a death bed to be honest, but I was alive…It’s really kind of strange. So my video series is really about this connection between people. It’s super personal. I’m all here, so everybody who’s coming better be there and mentally prepare themselves to feel something. I really have two sides, what with this work being somewhat dark and super personal. That’s a whole other side that people don’t see. But it’s really to get over this feeling of feeling like crap…Not crap but now I’m at the point where I really want it to be over and I’m tired of feeling this way and constantly thinking about it.
Is this the most work you’ve done for one piece or one series? NL: Mentally, yes. But I had to apply to the BFA show and I made my zebra series out of that. I painted people as naked zebras and put them into places, so check on my website; it’s on there! I’ve done a group show before where I showed my zebra work but this is my first solo work where it’s just “This is Nina’s work,” so it’s like the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s super intimidating. Throughout this whole time I don’t sleep properly anymore because of all these thoughts. It’s draining but it’s worth it because in the end I’m going to have a kickass show.
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
The Tribe That Breaks Rules A visiting linguist talks tribal tidbits on Tuesday Ryan Adams Contributor
ASI Election Season Continues For the second year in a row students must vote in a runoff election Ben Novotny Union Staffer
Attention campus community! This Tuesday, a rebellious academic will be visiting CSULB; linguist Dr. Daniel Everett will discuss his controversial field work with an isolated tribe in the Amazon, and there is much to share! “Why shouldn’t I just go home?” you ask? Here’s why: In the tribe, you don’t have to speak to communicate. The Pirahã language Dr. Everett studies is not limited to the spoken word—while hunting in the jungle, the Pirahã can whistle or even hum comprehensible sentences. They can’t count. No, the whole tribe is not dyscalculic… they just have no numbers. Mothers do not know how many children they have, only whether they have a lot or a few. Imagine not being able to count the money in your wallet, or how many Facebook friends you had, or even the hours on the clock! They break the rules. We all have that one person in our lives who never stops talking. In a sense, most languages permit this—but not Pirahã. Decades ago, worldrenowned linguist and pseudo-deity Noam Chomsky developed theories of Universal Grammar, hypothesizing that certain building blocks of language were encoded in our DNA. One of the tenants of Universal Grammar states that all languages allow recursion, or the infinite addition of phrases to make any size sentence. Daniel Everett has bravely challenged this tenant with
the Pirahã, whose speakers consistently and instinctually chop their sentences into definitive chunks. The language is one of a kind. All of the tribe’s linguistic relatives in the area have abandoned their native tongue in favor of Portuguese. While this allows them to communicate with the rest of Brazil, the loss of languages has also destroyed the linguistic diversity of the region. At the moment, Pirahã is a rare survivor among its relatives—but it might not be around for long! Dr. Everett has been working with this Amazonian tribe for more than 30 years, so he has tons of stories to tell. Come ask him about raising his family in the jungle, or how his experiences with the tribe led him to lose his Christian faith. Dr. Everett is one of an extremely small number people outside of the tribe to have ever learned the Pirahã language. As such, this could very well be your only opportunity to learn about this endangered language and culture before they assimilate on a global scale. Anyone is welcome to join us at 3:30pm on Tuesday, April 9th, in Hall of Science (HSCI) room 102. Dr. Everett’s talk will last around an hour with a Q&A session and refreshments to follow. Dr. Everett will have plenty more tidbits to share about the tribe, so come learn something about the miraculous diversity in your world!
Alia Sabino Union Staffer
Students at Cal State Long Beach returning from spring break must endure yet another week of seeing campaign posters as they walk to class. The incumbent team of John Haberstroh and Jon Bolin won the most votes for President and Vice President, with Haberstroh receiving 49% of the vote and Bolin receiving 43%. Yet neither one received more than 50% plus one vote, which means they will both be facing runoffs which will take place online this week Tuesday through Thursday. Results of the runoff will be announced this Friday at 1pm at the SouthWest Terrace of the USU. The incumbent President and VicePresident will be running against candidates of different teams. Haberstroh will be running against Sean Zent of the team Sean and Larry, while Bolin will be running against Deshe Gully of team JAD. JAD team member Agatha Gucyski was elected ASI Treasurer in a landslide with 64% of the vote, with Andrew Carnes coming far behind at 27%. Alejandra Hernandez, Ariane Nguyen, and John Zacha were all elected to the Isabel Patterson Child Center Board of Trustees. David Hayter, Wendy Casillas, and Michelle Morales were elected to the Student Media Board. Jessica Corral, Kayla Huynh, Patricia Abellenosa, Nicholas Smith, and Tony Hoang were elected to the University Student Union Board of Trustees. Elham Koukabi-Koukabi, Melanie Hawe, and Isai Reyes were elected to the Academic Senate. Vanessa Mendoza,
Dominique Noble, Erika Suarez, Rain Gregorio, Brandon Ratner, and Grant Oliver were all elected Senator-at-Large. By an overwhelming majority, students voted to make CSULB a smoke-free campus, with Referendum #2 passing with 64% of the vote. Referendum #1, an Amendment of Associated Student Bylaws, also passed overwhelmingly with 70% of the vote. Also part of the elections were positions for 12 Senate seats, two from each of the school’s six colleges. Union Staffer Alison (not Allison) Ernst was elected Senator for the College of Business Administration, along with Isaac Pineda. Tuan Nguyen and Andrew Siwabessy were elected Senators for the College of Engineering. Danny Hargreaves and Gregory Ruiz were elected Senators for the College of the Arts. James Dinwiddie and Fernando Bogarin were elected Senators for the College of Liberal Arts. Anh Tran and Rhea-Comfort Addo were elected Senators for the College of Natural Science and Mathematics. And Allyson Roach and Kelley Bowen were elected Senators for the College of Health and Human Services. Although the 15% turnout record from last year was broken, only 19% of students voted in the election for ASI President and Vice President. The election for Senator for the College of Business Administration had the highest turnout with 21.24% of business students voting. The election for Senator for the College of Liberal Arts had the second highest turnout with 21.04% of Liberal Arts students casting ballots online.
Your Health is a Priority A wellness lecture titled “Healthy Organizations, Healthy Communities: A Conversation on Wellness with Healthcare Leaders” kicks of CSULB’s Wellness Week 2013. Show up at The Pointe on Monday April 8, at 5:30 pm to get the down low on how to take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Bid Your Way to a Great Date Alpha Phi Omega, a national service fraternity on campus, is hosting a Charity Date Auction on April 13, 2013 (Saturday), from 6 to 10 pm at the USU Ballrooms. Come dressed to impress and bid on one of the five men and five women to be auctioned off! Heck, if you’re feeling rather generous, bid on more than one! All auctionees will come with a personalized date basket and a number of assorted gift baskets will be raffled off as well. Admission is $3. Be ready for a fun-filled night! All funds raised from this event will be rewarded to the Belles-Silcock family, a family consisting of 59 boys, all adopted by the couple Jim Silcock and Ann Belles. They have adopted numerous disabled boys from many different ethnicities and backgrounds. They currently live in Huntington Beach, and their goal is to provide the boys with a nurturing and loving environment in order to give them the best future possible. For more information about the Belles-Silcock family, you can visit www.allourboys.com. For any questions regarding the event, please email firstname.lastname@example.org
Girls Rule the World The Pointe is the place to be on April 10 at 5 pm during the spring 2013 Women’s Research Colloquium. The theme is “Initiating, Advocating and Implementing Action.” The presentation is aimed at inspiring more women to enter the STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) fields. Research by women will be presented, as well as an opportunity to learn about their work and engage in discussions about their findings.
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
THE PROMISING BIRTH AND SLOW DEATH OF THE MASTER’S IN DRAMATIC WRITING
AN INCOMPLETE TRUTH Photo by Connor O’Brien Photo Editor
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
President Alexander is leaving to LSU and a part of me is a little pissed off. There was no prior warning of his departure. He made no mention of his plans to depart =from our campus when we spoke to him a few weeks prior to the news breaking. There was no press release from King saying, “Hey guys, I’m out! TTFN!” I’m sure there are people on this campus that knew about it long before we found out, but when you find out that your president sent out job applications to different campuses mid-semester it’s a little shocking. It feels as if the captain of the Titanic hopped in a lifeboat the moment the engineer told him the boat was sinking. Maybe I’m expecting more than I should. With tuition increases always looming in the distance and fewer classes offered every semester, I can’t help wondering if F. King will be leaving our institution in a better state than when he got here? The problem with this institution, like many CSUs in the system, is that there is a large disconnect between our understanding of the inner workings of the university and the little snippets of information leaked when situations arise that blur the lines of truth. An example of the slow trickle of information on campus was the investigation surrounding two professors in the Film and Electronic Arts (FEA) departiment who were accused of having false credentials in 2008. These professors, Michael Berlin and Alan Jacobs, taught at this institution for several years and it wasn’t until the actions of Brian Alan Lane, a fellow professor in the FEA department, that this matter came to light (Lane plays a pivotal part in this week’s feature as he was the professor hired to create CSULB’s first Master’s of Fine Arts in Screenwriting, later changed to MFA in Dramatic Writing). Was it that the administration turned a blind eye to this or that anyone with semi-believable credentials can come into our institution to teach? The University has an aura of transparency, in essence that the information presented by the University is truth. In reality, it’s only part of the truth. When truth comes into question,
the only thing left to do is pick up the pieces and form a greater understanding. This is the purpose of the press: to arrange those pieces in a clear, logical, and factual manner. In that vein, we offer you the story of how the promising birth and confusing death of the Master’s in Dramatic Writing cost the school the financial partnership of a lifetime.
A STAR IS BORN Brian Lane spent a considerable amount of time, energy, and money legitimizing the Film and Electronics department after he was hired in 2002. Spielberg’s graduation in 2002 had put the school back on the film industry’s radar and Lane intended to continue
and produced an original film. His frequency of personal donations even earned him a place in Para’s “Medici Circle” of donors to COTA. Another of Lane’s impressive fundraising feats was convincing Sony to donate $28,000 to sponsor a film festival held on campus in 2007. The man also frequently taught a course overload with enrollments that doubled the average class in some cases. By doing all these extras (the donations, the sponsored events, and the unpaid hours of teaching), Lane proved he was serious about supporting his students and offering them as many opportunities to succeed as possible. But at the center of Lane’s goal to legitimize our film department, as well the reason he was hired, was the creation
of those involved in the creation of the program which included both FEA and Theatre Arts department chairs, the DW Program Coordinator (Maria Viera) and the DW Core Writing Instructor (Lane), were baffled by the sudden suspension of admissions and struggled to pin down the reasons so that they could correct them as soon as possible and reopen admissions. Throughout the process, the administration’s goal seemed to be to keep the reason for the discontinuance of the program a moving target, making it impossible to fix the problem. The first ostensible gripe with the DW was cost. The program was originally fashioned to cost the university very little. In the proposal for the DW, the only cost included was $500
When personal and political strifes occur between admin and faculty, the students ultimately pay the price. that momentum by securing money from potential donors and bringing events to the campus. To grease the donation wheels, Lane often personally contributed from his own pocket. The man has amassed a trove of thank-you letters from the school for his donations and fundraising efforts over the course of his 11-year post at CSULB. One in particular from the CSULB Foundation expresses their gratitude to Lane for “expanding the boundaries of opportunity for students” by forking over $9,000 to a storytelling project. Another from Don Para, College of the Arts Dean at the time (currently the Provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs), sings the praises of Lane’s many financial, as well as academic contributions to FEA. In particular, Para highlights a collaborative project Lane orchestrated with the KTLA TV Station in June 2003, in which FEA students wrote, directed,
of the Master’s in Dramatic Writing (MFA DW). He intended for his students to finish the program with a polished thesis script that they could use as their calling cards for studios. Unfortunately, this degree would only last three years as it would become embroiled in a back and forth, bureaucratic tug-of-war.
SUSPENDED ANIMATION Admissions to the program for the Fall ’09 semester were suspended as early as April of the same year. The suspension process involved Don Para and Jay Kvapil (then Associate COTA Dean, current Interim COTA Dean) expressing a wide range of differing, sometimes contradictory, reasons as to why the MFA DW was being discontinued (as stated by them on several recorded meetings over the course of April 2009 to April 2011). At the same time, the MFA DW Implementation Committee, a group
for Xerox-ing as faculty were already on staff and teaching the required classes. Not to mention the existence of a large donation by an anonymous donor two years earlier. Don Para later told the DW Implementation Committee in May 2009 that money was not an issue. He would change his tune again at an April 2011 discontinuance hearing panel meeting, in which he stated that budget was the number one reason for the suspension and discontinuance of the MFA DW. The second gripe was the quality of the work and quantity of the students in the DW. From the administration’s viewpoint, the program wasn’t worth keeping based on the supposed low quality of DW student’s work. Maria Viera is on record for supporting the DW student’s contributions to the Theater department. What Viera is referring to is the requirement for the DW students to work as Graduate Assistants for the other departments partnered with the
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Union Weekly—8 April 2013 MFA DW (FEA, Theater, World Comp Lit, and Comm Studies departments). Thirdly, even though this was a program supported by all four previously stated departments from the beginning, the spreading of misinformation by Para and Kvapil about missacreditation led to doubts as to whether the degree should be carried on. The administration also acted out of turn and altered the DW curriculumn by elimanting Lane’s classes. One of the most striking quotes we discovered in our investigation was uttered by Para during a faculty meeting in March 2009. He had called the meeting in order tell the faculty that their unprofessionalism was unacceptable. He explains that this unprofessionalism stems from the faculty sharing their “particular issues” with the news media. (Most of this section of the recording sounds like a father scolding his children for talking back to him, followed by a withholding of allowance. Albeit, the allowance in this case was the funding necessary for paying faculty and buying new film equipment.) What exact issues Para is referring to reamains unclear. He goes on to say: “In fact, the ones that will be hurt the most are the students.” Instead of taking disciplinary action against a particular employee, Para chose (or accepted orders from someone higher on the administrative food chain) to tell every faculty member in the room to shape up or their department was going to have to get used to going without. And though he may have intended to punish professors, his words make it painfully clear that when personal and political strifes occur between the admin and faculty, students ultimately pay the price.
SPIELBERG CHANGES EVERYTHING Cal State Long Beach was most honored to have Steven Spielberg return to earn his degree and graduate back in 2002. Administrators tried for years to negotiate a donation agreement that one would expect to receive from having a famous alumnus. But Spielberg, being the icon he is, wanted it to be for something really groundbreaking if he was to make it part of his legacy. Years later Lane’s innovative program that was the first interdisciplinary degree of its kind finally enticed Spielberg. And so he pledged three yearly installments amassing to a whopping $1.4 million for FEA specifically intended to support the MFA DW, as well as a sound stage and equipment upgrades. This program was constructed from the beginning in a way so that it wouldn’t cost the school any additional money to run. Everyone that was enrolled in DW , however, the FEA counterbalanced that cost by paying other staff out of their Spielberg money. With a $1.4 million donation towards the MFA DW program, the school had no cause for concern with the cost of this degree. There was even enough money for
enrollees to get a $5000 stipend per semester, making it a highly desirable program worldwide. This is the primary reason Spielberg donated his money, so that it would subsidize student writing. So it remains unclear why the school would move to cancel such a prestigious program that was cost free and drew so much funding from the industry into the school. Every year as the next Spielberg intallment was paid out, his representatives continued to be impressed by how we used their funds to create such an amazing program. They were reported as being committed to renewing the grant for another three years. Alas, for whichever reason you choose to believe, the suspending of admissions started in April of 2009. Yet, we still accepted another Spielberg check a month after that. Needless to say the funds weren’t used towards the MFA DW as contracted in the pledge agreement, but also did not stay in the FEA department. By a loose interpretation of the furloughs enacted in 2009, the school was able to skim 10% off of Professor Todd Baker’s salary. His salary was paid entirely from the Spielberg grant and as such should not have been treated like government money, which is allowed to be siphoned off by the admintsration. Word of the admin’s misuse of the money and poaching of the program made its way back to the donors. It is highly likely the misguided discontinuation of the degree that caused them to break ties with the school. In the end, the administration did not have the best interest of the student body in mind when cancelling the MFA DW. This program cost the school virtually nothing, and its untimely demise represents a massive waste of resources to the school, both human and financial. So the big question remains: why did the administration kill the MFA DW?
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Nice Guy Problems A hate letter to all of those misogynists in funny hats
John Villanueva Music Editor
The Clinton Dynasty The third term is the charm!
Ben Novotny Union Staffer
There are many things that I can’t stand. When white people say swerve. The plastic casing they put on scissors that you need scissors to open. Fourteen year olds who pick up The God Delusion and automatically become expert atheists. However, none are more reprehensible than the one thing that has been on my mind, the nice guy. The nice guy has sprung into popular culture as of late, carving a fedora shaped niche for its adherents to wallow and act like bitches. The nice guy, for those who are lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the term, are the other guys. The guy who wasn’t lucky enough to score with the girl of his dreams. Instead, he tags along, playing pathetic puppy to his oblivious friend, except they’re not really friends. In her mind they might be, but he only has one thing on his mind, the sexual conquest of his “friend” being the only thin line between them. That’s why these guys are full of shit. To make use of such a subtle and sad form of manipulation to fulfill sexual needs is not only pathetic, but disgusting. Passive aggressive behavior is not at all sexy, and making use of it in the hopes that it will be makes you a loser. What I’m saying may be a bit harsh, but I’m not pulling any punches. These “nice guys” are losers. They slither
through life, embodying an unwarranted self righteousness that they try to complete through conniving. Also, why do all of these nice guys look the same? The nice guys seem to follow the same dress code, with oversized flashy button ups and fedoras serving as the sartorial go-to for these cretins. Maybe a better wardrobe would help you score with women. A better, well tailored wardrobe and a backbone will do wonders for both your courting abilities and self esteem. Here’s what I have to say. If you like a girl, gather some goddamn courage and tell her. Immediately. Don’t try to sneak into her friend circle. Don’t make suggestive remarks hoping that she will catch on. Tell her straight up, “Hey I have feelings for you.” If she accepts, good for you. If she doesn’t, move on. Don’t trail behind, hoping that one day she will change her mind and realize how completely perfect you are for her. Above all, don’t harbor any resentment towards the girl who failed to receive your attempt. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t have feelings for you. If you can’t handle the thought of not being in a relationship with her, cut it off. The both of you will be in a much better place without you being a whiny passive aggressive bitch.
While I was growing up, my parents were hard-core Clinton loyalists. My mother actually campaigned for the future President in San Gabriel during his first presidential campaign (and even got to kiss him on the cheek). In January 1993 my parents flew to Washington, D.C. to attend Bill Clinton’s first presidential inauguration, which my father described as a day full of hope and optimism. During the eight years that Bill Clinton was President, our country experienced the greatest peacetime economic expansion in our nation’s history. Among the accomplishments of the Clinton Administration: 23 million new jobs were created, the jobless rate for African-Americans was cut in half, millions were lifted out of poverty, and home ownership was at its highest level in over 30 years. In his second year in office, President Clinton signed the Assault Weapons Ban, which prohibited the purchase of semi-automatic firearms that were used recently in the Newtown Massacre (the ban expired in 2004). Oh, and for all you Tea Party people who worry about the national debt, it was President Clinton, not a Republican, who brought fiscal discipline to The White House, having created budget surpluses of over $200 billion during the last few years of his Presidency. In fact, if the Bush tax cuts had not been enacted
and the Clinton economic policies were continued during the first decade of the 21st Century, our national debt would be paid off, and the money our government now spends paying interest on the national debt would instead be used for education, health care, etc. Of course there is no way that Bill Clinton will ever be President again thanks to the 22nd Amendment. But there is a way to bring him back to The White House, and that is by electing his wife Hillary. Of course Hillary would make a strong presidential candidate by herself. As first lady of Arkansas, she was an advocate for early childhood education in her state. As first lady of the United States she continued to be an advocate for children as an instrumental force in the passage of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), which provides health insurance for poor children. As New York’s Junior Senator she was a leading investigator into the cause of health problems suffered by those who were in New York City on 9/11. And as the former Secretary of State, she has met with and had good relationships with world leaders and has improved America’s reputation with the rest of the world. But by electing Hillary Clinton, not only would America have its first female President, but the husband-and-wife team that helped make our economy prosper during the good ol’ 1990s would be back to lead our country to prosperity once again.
Just a word of introduction, I’m your friendly neighborhood opinions editor Michael. And guess what? I got my own column here now. Woohoo! Confining my opinions to this column gives contributors more room for their fantastic articles and makes my voice easier to avoid for those of you who find me crass. Of course, for this page to work though, I need articles from readers like you. I take articles on pretty much any topic that comes to your mind. Politics, gripes or praises about the campus, or even just interesting personal stories you’d like to share. It’s all welcome here. And if you’re not confident in your writing but want to contribute, I’m always here to help out and will make time to refine your writing. Just email me at opinions@ lbunion.com and I’ll be glad to help you out. Now onto business. The world seems to be falling apart but that’s normal. In fact, I’d be a little more worried if everything seemed to be working out fine. North Korea has been hitting the headlines lately due to their insane threats of war. No one seems too worried by this, since it’s obvious that the United States would turn half the Korean peninsula into a parking lot if they tried anything stupid. Politically we are still a nation of cowboys, but instead of a 6 shooter, we have about 5,000 nuclear weapons. Isn’t that a scary thought? Either way, it seems like the current crisis is a near homage to Dr. Strangelove, a farce where the ultimate price could be nuclear war (As horrifyingly one sided as it may be). A grotesque black comedy where the butt of the joke is every Korean and American serviceman within 100 miles of the DMZ. The thought of the least prosperous dictatorship on the planet going toe to toe with the biggest, fattest and most belligerent first world nation on the planet would be comical if people’s lives weren’t at stake. It will probably turn out to be a lot of hot air, that’s the only sensible guess at this point. Most analysts agree that Kim Jong Un, the new leader of North Korea, is merely cementing his leadership and dispelling any rumors that he may be a well needed reformer in the country. But until that’s obvious, hide in the bomb shelter and listen for that air raid siren, since we’re enjoying a tiny throwback to the Cold War era. Apparently nuclear annihilation is in vogue this season.
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Union Test Kitchen! Sierra Patheal Assistant Editor
When I was a kid, I had a dog named Raspberry. Raspberry’s birthday was on February 14th, and every Valentine’s Day, my mother and I would make truffles to celebrate. Once they were done, Razzy would get a special bowl of wet dog food while my mother and I ate way too much chocolate in her name. Razzy died before I came to college, but I still make truffles now and then, both to remember her and because, as a dorm resident, I don’t have many options when it comes to cooking. The CSULB dorms provide a fridge and a microwave if you’re lucky, but most other baking and cooking devices, such as stoves, hot plates, and ovens, are thoroughly forbidden. Truffles are one of the few things that I, with my limited
INGREDIENTS: • 1-2/3 cups of whipping cream • 1 stick (1/2 cup) of butter • 8 ounces of semisweet baking chocolate, broken up and chopped
kitchen supplies, can make. This coupled with the fact that they require less than an hour of preparation (along with some waiting time), are luxuriously delicious, and are easy enough that even I can’t mess them up, and you’ll understand why truffles have become my favorite dorm-kitchen treat. The recipe my mother and I used to make is modified from the Hershey’s recipe for Rich ‘n Good Chocolate Truffles, although we usually subbed out a few ingredients depending on desire and cupboard contents. If you’re looking for something to celebrate the momentary withdrawal of midterms (or to tide you over until your next one), here’s the recipe, adjusted for easy dorm or hole-in-the-wall apartment preparation:
• 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract • Topping for the outer coating (unsweetened cocoa powder, shredded coconut, chopped nuts, chocolate sprinkles, etc.)
Put the whipping cream and the stick of butter in a microwaveable bowl, then heat it in the microwave until it’s hot and bubbly, pausing to stir every now and then. Don’t let the cream boil over, but you want it bubbling and steaming by the time you remove it from the microwave. Dump in the chopped chocolate, preferably handful by handful, and stir until it’s completely melted and you can’t see any difference between the ingredients. It should begin to thicken while you’re stirring. Once it’s thoroughly mixed and has cooled a little, add the vanilla extract and pour the entire mixture into a shallow glass dish. Cover it and put it in the fridge, then go study or watch TV or something for a while. After four or five hours, the chocolate
will be firm to the touch, meaning you can roll it into one-inch balls. Roll the balls in your coating of choice and place them in a container to refrigerate again. Once you’re done, you’re perfectly welcome to eat one (or six) before you cover the rest of them and put them back in the fridge for storage. Truffles store well, and if you have more self-control than I, they’ll last up to a month covered in the fridge. I’ll be the first to admit that they’re not particularly good for you, but really, if you don’t deserve a little chocolate right now, when are you going to? Chocolate cures all studying ills. And if you need another excuse, I’m sure Raspberry would appreciate the thought. So get to the truffle-making!
ENTERTAINMENT Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Top-Notch Re-Watch Movies with replay value 21 Jump Street
Alia Sabino Union Staffer
Seriously, this movie is ridiculously awesome. Even though I saw it three times in theatres (mainly because my different groups of friends wanted to go to the movies on three different occasions) I still found the jokes funny, if not funnier, the second and third time around. It’s clever, it’s witty, and it not only showcases a newly skinny Jonah Hill, but it also introduced me to the existence of a younger, and frankly quite hotter, Franco brother. The movie (which is a remake of an 80’s TV series with the same name) is about two cops, Schmidt and Jenko (played by Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum), who are told to “teenage the fuck up” and go undercover as high school students to locate the distributor of a synthetic drug that’s making its way around schools. Tatum thinks he’s got this down due to his street cred and popularity in high school. But instead, they are thrust
into the alternate universe of a post-Glee high school, filled with hipsters and cool nerds, where environmental awareness and sensitivity are considered the “in” thing. Interestingly enough, Hill is considered the cool one. Speaking of this synthetic drug aptly named HFS (Holy Fucking Shit), the movie shows you the five different stages you undergo when on it. During the second stage (“Tripping Major Ballsack”), the two freak the fuck out because their coaches eyebrows melt into his face and his whole head turns into an ice cream cone. It doesn’t get much better than that. Also, thanks to this film, I have another addition to my list of favorite movie quotes. “Do you know what happens to handsome guys like me in prison? It rhymes with grape!! It rhymes with grape…” Oh I’m sure, Dave Franco. I’m sure.
Roque Renteria Union Staffer
There has never been a single great movie that didn’t have great characters. Part of what makes these characters great is how relatable they are to the audience. When a character is fully realized, you can’t help but sympathize and invest time connecting with the qualities that tie you to them. At least that’s what I do. I don’t know, maybe I just love movies too much. But, good reader, I can honestly say that this is how I feel every time I watch Brazil. Trying to summarize this movie in a few sentences would be an injustice but reluctantly I must do so. This film is Monty Python’s take on George Orwell’s classic dystopian novel 1984. Terry Gilliam (the only American born Python member) directed the movie and orchestrated an aesthetic masterpiece. The architecture is sleek and Gilliam has a weird obsession with venting ducts. But the best element aside from the design is the musical score. Every song used in this movie is a variation of Brazilian composer Ary Barroso’s “Aquarela do Brasil”. The constant repetition of this song hypnotizes the audience and is strangely soothing. The film is surrealistic and at times the camera work creates a hallucinatory atmosphere. That being said, Brazil is one of the most underrated movies of all time. Conservatively, I can say that I’ve seen Brazil about 10 times. The reason being that I identify with the film’s protagonist, Sam
Lowry. Sam is the lovable loser. He doesn’t have great people skills and he doesn’t have any significant goals. He’s also too lame to talk to the girl he daydreams about, and he’s pretty weird looking. The last two sentences are an interchangeable description of Sam and I. All deprecation aside, what makes Sam lovable is the fact that he is the underdog. All the odds are against him but somehow he manages to step up and become the unlikely hero. Protagonists like these give me a sense of optimism because it is refreshing to see someone besides Ryan Gosling try to save the day. For those who haven’t seen Brazil I have only one caveat: Brazil is an acquired taste. The first time I watched Brazil I didn’t like it. Not because it wasn’t good; I didn’t understand what I was watching. This film had dark humor, literary allusions, intertextuality, and a bunch of other stuff that went over my head. After a few hours on the Internet and a couple of viewings, I finally understood the sublimity of Brazil. Now I want to believe that I think I understand Brazil. Brazil is a stunning adventure that I think everyone should experience at least once in his or her lifetime, kind of like getting laid. Brazil is the equivalent of losing your virginity. Both leave you confused, sweaty, but most importantly satisfied. The only difference is that Brazil (with a running time of 143 minutes) lasts much, much longer.
School of Rock
Molly Shannon Union Staffer
I distinctly remember the first time I ever watched School of Rock. I was 10 years old, at a friend’s birthday party, and we had to decide whether we wanted to watch either School of Rock or Kangaroo Jack. Eventually we decided on the former, obviously, and everyone felt like a badass because it was PG-13. Crammed shoulderto-shoulder on the couch, we started to eat Del Taco as the movie began (that’s what all the 10-year-olds do at parties), but slowly the other girls began to lose interest and started painting their nails or something. But not me. Something about Jack Black, the way he was able to coax those kids into starting a kickass rock band. It ignited something in me. I firmly believe that School of Rock is one of the best comedies of all time. Since that historic day I have probably watched it approximately 106 times. I have the DVD at home and still watch it religiously. I’ve written about this film for a paper in my Media Aesthetics class for which I received an A. And when the teacher for my Media Writing class had us analyze its plot (shoutout to Adam Moore!), I was indifferent on the outside, but ecstatic on the inside. If you have not yet had the extreme pleasure of viewing this masterpiece, the story
centers on a thirty-something rockaholic named Dewey Finn who gets kicked out of his band for his embarrassing, over-the-top stage performances. Because of his geeky roommate’s naggy girlfriend, Dewey is forced to get his act together and start paying rent, ie. get a “real” job. So how does he do this? When the uptight principal of a strict private school calls looking for Ned (Dewey’s roommate) to fill in as a substitute teacher, Dewey sees dollar signs and decides to pose as Ned, and in return has to teach a class of 4th grade students. Can you say wacky?! You would have to be a sad, heartless human being to not even laugh once at this film. It will encourage you to pursue your passion no matter what your parents or “the man” or anybody else thinks. I know that it definitely has inspired to me to start about three different bands and stay interested in music, as well as study subjects that I never thought I would be able to succeed in. The kids in this film are able to start one of the coolest rock bands EVER within a matter of days, and are able say things to “Mr. Schneebly” such as “stupid ass” and “shut the hell up” and “you are a fat loser and you have body odor.” What more does one need in a comedy? Seriously. Get off your “ath” and enroll in the School of Rock.
Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Opinions editor Michael Wood vents on modern music Opinions Editor
Mumford and Sons: Seriously, this is just terrible. They may wait for me but as soon as they turn their backs, I’m going to go running off into the sunset. Mumford and Sons is bad hipster music brought to the mainstream by a record company equation that says, “White guys in vests + banjos = METRIC SHIT-TON OF RECORD SALES.” Worse yet, everyone seems to categorize them as a folk band. As an avid listener of folk music, this really doesn’t sit well at all with me. They’re pop stars with a banjo, they couldn’t hold a candle to Phil Ochs, The Pogues, Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie, and especially Bob Dylan. Normally, this type of band would fall under my radar as another group of limey Brits that somehow found themselves on American radio. However, I’m forced to call attention to them because they’re constantly on the radio. They’re half the reason that I bought an iPod connector for my car radio, just so I don’t have to deal with the fact that if I want to listen to some alternative rock on KROQ, I face a 1 in 3 chance of tuning in to “I Will Wait” for the third fucking time since my commute began.
Easily the sappiest and annoying pop rock band out there. We’ve had to suffer with their nonsense for over a decade. When they started out, they were merely a benign pop group that didn’t really offend or strike me as terrible. I mean, it’s not my type of music but I can totally see how “Drops of Jupiter” can be appreciated. It’s a huge mess of sappy nonsense but at least it didn’t offend the ears right? But now, they have devolved into something despicable, something that will release such vial nonsense as “Drive By”, which is probably your least favorite song on the radio today, you just don’t know it yet. When it gets down to it, pop rock groups like this always aspire to be one part Cheap Trick and another part The Beatles, so it’s no surprise they end up sounding awful when they can meet the sensibilities of either of those two bands in either way. Train is just the most prominent and worst example I can think of today. Please, I beg of you, let Train die.
My god, the gratuitous use of auto-tune is just sad. I’m sorry dude, just because you’re a white guy with a synthesizer doesn’t mean that you’re talented or deserve any sort of attention. It’s a truly sad day when some dickhead with a synthesizer can make a Top 40 hit without rocking an awesome hairdo like the Flock of Seagulls guy. Not to mention Owl City (More like Bowel Shitty, am I right?), has been collaborating with Carly Rae Jepsen lately, the person responsible for that “Call Me Maybe.” Great minds think alike I suppose, but why should I suffer through that sort of abomination every time I stop into the Beach Hut to buy coffee and candy bars (Midterms have been rough on me, alright)? Anyway Owl City is proof that autotune has limits and that a synthesizer is not a magical device that negates the need for musical talent.
Okay, this is the ultimate expression of chode music. Whiny nutsacks who sounds like the Misfits after a botched lobotomy, that’s all that My Chemical Romance is. Their brief period of popularity in the mid 2000s centered on “Welcome to the Black Parade”, quite simply the most annoying song to ever grace rock radio stations in my teenage years. There was a period of a year or two where I couldn’t walk into a music store without seeing some teenager with too much eyeliner playing the piano intro to the song badly on a keyboard. I think I just hold a grudge against yesterday’s emo kids seeing as their misplaced narcissism and egotism has lead to them being turned into today’s lame ass hipsters.
Second, be appropriate with your drug usage. Some people go to concerts for the music. I don’t want you rubbing you LSD laced grease on me. You want to do that, go see Animal Collective. Then kill yourself. Seriously, I don’t want to hear about how “good” of a time you’re having for half an hour. It’s not fun for me being weary of whether to move out of the way in case you vomit. Also, if you’re going to smoke, bring better herb. I don’t want to smell your basic ass weed. Finally, the ever-apparent technology problem. This has always been the worst thing to deal with at a concert. Again, why do you pay good money to stand around texting. Even worse, if you are actually talking on the phone during a concert. Your private matters are exactly that, private. Unless you’re singing along,
I don’t want to hear you explaining which stage of pregnancy you’re in. Be respectful to the artist, any conversation can wait until after the show. A more forgivable, although still as annoying sin, is recording the show. Why? YOU’RE THERE!!! Why do you need to document it? There are plenty of other morons at the show who are willing to waste their time not watching the show to record. Watch one of those. Enjoy the show that you are at in the moment. Put your phone away, and I swear if you have an iPad out, I will steal it and put pictures of dicks on it. So there you go. Remember, you go to a concert to enjoy the music. Enjoy what you have right in front of you.
Music etiquette for the concert attendee Music Editor One of the perks of being a Music Editor is getting free tickets to stuff. A couple weeks ago, I was able to see The Joy Formidable at the Henry Fonda Theater and they completely ripped it. I was also able to witness some really shitty people in the crowd, which put a complete damper on what was otherwise a fantastic occasion. So with that, I have decided to give you readers a couple rules for proper concert etiquette. Keep these in mind for the next musical excursion you decide to attend. First of all, actually act like this is a real event. You paid money (I didn’t) to come see this event, don’t stand around like an asshole with your arms crossed looking off into the middle distance. You know who does that? Shitty people. Shitty people who pay money to stand in a hall
with stinky people while noise blares in the background. You aren’t a piece of furniture. You aren’t too good for this scene. Actually get what you paid for. Go crazy, dance, be one with the music. Vibe with the music, and in return, you will be rewarded with one hell of an experience. Even the casual head nod does wonders. As a musician myself, I can’t say enough about how much crowd interaction plays into the performance. Musicians play off of the crowd, and there is nothing better to someone playing their heart out than seeing appreciation for that performance expressed with movement and emotion. So go nuts and actually have fun. It’ll make the experience much better. (Warning: be appropriate with your form of expression. You don’t want to be the dickbag moshing to a ballad.)
LITERATURE Union Weekly—8 April 2013
Got You Covered Roque Renteria Union Staffer
Good reader, I want to let you in on a little secret—I am very superficial. I like expensive foreign cars and expensive foreign women. When you reach the same social status as me (you probably never will), you are allowed to assess people based on their appearance. Hell, people even praise you for it. The literature editor at The Union discovered that I was ABAP (as baller as possible) and asked me to judge the Flames of the Dragon by its cover. He thought I was new to this, so while he was explaining what he wanted, I was busy sitting there not respecting him and shit, mentally counting the number of breasts that Olivia Wilde has. She has two. Eventually, the editor stopped talking and I got to work. The first thing I noticed about this lame ass cover is that Burt Reynolds is in it. How the mighty have fallen. Here we have one of the greatest stars of 80s, a guy who was probably done cocaine off of an Icelandic goddesses’ ass, posing in some World of Warcraft cosplay outfit. Has Burt Reynolds sunk so low he has been reduced to whoring himself out to afford some more mustache cream? Without a doubt, seeing Burt Reynolds wielding a bitch-ass sword is one the saddest
bother to read things I’ve ever seen. The only thing sadder is the name of the author. Robin Wayne Bailey wrote this book. What kind of sick, evil set of parents would give their child a unisex name? This kid was destined to be beat up by schoolmates who were physically superior and more developed than he was. I assume the writer is a guy but I can’t be one hundred percent sure. No wonder he’s writing about Dungeons & Dragons. This book is going to be an homage to all the days he spent in his basement rolling a multi number die while eating Cheetos and jerking off to Xena. That’s fucking depressing. I don’t want to read this book now. It’s ruining my vibes. I would rather read the story behind the story. The story about not getting laid and fantasizing about all the jocks he wished would perish off the face of Earth. That would be an epic of ancient Greek proportions. I mean, by looking at this cover I know the guy will rescue the girl, most likely a princess. That is some banal, fairytale Super Mario shit. And look at the princess’ face, she is looking away. It looks like she doesn’t want to be rescued. She would rather hang out with the dragon. And the dragon isn’t very intimidating.
Looks like some lizard I can pick up at a pet store. Where’s the fire? Where are the flames? The book is called Flames of the Dragon, isn’t it? Where’s the fear? Is Robin such a wimp that he is afraid of looking at a ferocious dragon? But, you do know what the dragon is symbolic of, right? The penis. More specifically, the penises of the guys who kicked poor Robin’s sensitive ass. The jocks were probably hung and Robin was a smalldicked geek. And by this point in his life, he can’t even get his tiny penis up anymore. He probably married some barfly who was the first girl who was ever nice to him and they have a crappy marriage together. His wife probably steals the small inheritance he received from his parents when they died and was forced to live in the first floor instead of the basement. Severely acned, limp dicked, Dungeons & Dragons playing, no sex having, unloved lifetime loser Robin Wayne Bailey. A true American zero. Man, fuck this book cover. Prolonged viewing of this book cover will only make you miserable. If you see this book put it down immediately or burn it. This is the vibe that Flames of the Dragon gives off.
4 2 7 1 6 3 5 8 9
3 1 8 9 5 7 2 6 4
9 5 6 8 2 4 3 7 1
1 9 4 7 8 2 6 5 3
6 8 5 4 3 9 7 1 2
2 7 3 5 1 6 4 9 8
7 6 2 3 9 1 8 4 5
8 4 9 2 7 5 1 3 6
5 3 1 6 4 8 9 2 7
5 7 8 9 6 4 2
9 8 2 6 4 1 5
8 4 7 3 2 9 6
4 9 5 1 8 3 7
2 1 3 7 5 6 9
3 2 9 8 1 7 4
1 6 4 5 3 2 8
EASY 4. Dicknose lost her watch! 5. There’s a coke can behind Toothgirl 6. The knife turned white! 7. Wha?
ANSWERS: 1. That girl’s got a dick nose! 2. The middle girl is missing a tooth!
Rose Feduk Comics Editor
7 3 6 4 9 5 1
6 5 1 2 7 8 3
9 5 8 6 1 7 3 2 4 7 6 4 2 5 3 1 8 9
Union Weekly—8 April 2013 COMICS
Men Are From Mars Tyre Jones Assistant Editor
Spot the Difference
Volume 72 Issue 11
Monday, April 8, 2013
DISCLAIMER: Buenos tardes, papas. Apparently your Duchie forgot how to speak Spanish, teehee! Mi esposo trapped me in an SNES emulator by making a wish to the game genie, so now I’m enjoying the sensual company of Ganondalf, from the Zeldas. He may not like my Shakira albums but he loves to shake my marracas. This page is satire and I do not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus, but, if there’s a she-wolf in your closet, feel free to submit articles via email to email@example.com.
Kim Jong Un Lists Commands as Prof. Barkworthy Recounts Tails of Discrimination in Academia New King of the World Its me, KJ Un. Un as in uno, which is one in Spanish. Because I’m number one. North Korea has successfully completed its by Kim nuclear missile Jong Un program, which places me as ruler of the free world. As new ruler, I am here to supply you, my underlings, with my list of commands. This is in no way a complete list, as my needs are ever changing. Also, I am too busy anesthetizing myself with your western liquor and pornography. First on my list of commands is the I have no problem securing mates, the state chooses twelve young women and men for my liking. These twelve duel to the death in an arena modeled after my western cowboy-themed room in my palace. The last girl and boy left standing are then brought to my palace, where I kill the boy while the girl fellates Lil Kim. Lil Kim is my penis. I have grown tired of Korean’s and wish to expand my reach and my penis into foreign territory. I command for my personal usage twelve white women, one for each of the zodiac. Oh I have longed for the day
when I could motorboat the voluptuous breasts of your model Kate Upton. Or is it Hilary Clinton? Hilary Swank? I just demand that her breasts be large, large like the round shiny Dragon Balls. Second, I would like world to notice my gorgeous youthful vigor. For years, I have been complimented for my youth and beauty. “Fat baby”, “Chinese baby”, “Baby baby,” all compliments wish for my beauty to be usurped. Therefore, I command the death by stoning of all babies. I will not allow children to take away the multitude of compliments meant for my gorgeous baby face. Also sentenced to death will be ‘90s smooth R&B sensation Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds. He, and the other wave of babies shall be stoned, then tossed into the sea. Finally, to my one true love. I was made aware of the talents of this individual through your western television. As your young pale white ghost singer Taylor Swift once sang “I would stare into your eyes, your kiss longer to make this person mine. I make it into law that the one known as Dennis Rodman shall be mine. Those are your new demands, America. Failure to comply will result in me murdering Psy and replacing him with Lil Kim.
[Editor’s Note: An avid writer and academic, M. Barkworthy contributes to the Grunion Weekly in between university seminars on canine M. Barkworthy literature and culture and teaching classes in the parking lot at PetSmart. The following is an excerpt from the seventh chapter of his latest work Life is Ruff: Living in a Dog Eat Dog World.] Dogs are not taken seriously in the world of academics. When I showed up MarmaDuke University, I soon found myself being shooed off campus by my human colleagues. And the worst part was not that I had spent two hours that morning walking to work, (I couldn’t out a way to hold onto the steering wheel without having thumbs) it was that I was completely unwelcomed by a place that I had earned the right to dog-wife ironed my dog-sized tie and I before I stepped inside the English hall that morning. Particular care had been taken to make sure that my dogginess would not offend my fellow human
academics. And yet the discrimination was inevitable. I had come across a similar situation years before, when I was struggling to get my book “Woof Woof: God is Dead” published by a professor that I had worked with previously on a research project concerning the bounciness of tennis balls. As he took the manuscript from my mouth, he shot me a look of disgust as if he had never drooled all over himself before in his life. He glanced through it for a few minutes and then declared that he couldn’t read “paw prints and scratches.” I decided that I should sue him, but whenever I tried to call my lawyer he would shout back into the phone, “What is this? A dog? Is this a prank? Is this my ex-wife?” It hasn’t been easy, but I’d like to think of my career as a success story. I am currently the only dog teaching at Yale University (even though I can only teach Winter classes because I shed during the Summer) and I have pawblished (dog-speak for “published”) twenty-three academic works on eating your own poop – which has made me the authority on the subject, if you don’t mind my bragging. I hope that I have paved the way for future dogademics and a humble “bark bark” to all my fervent readers.
PRESIDENT KING PROCLAIMS FUN. LEAD SINGER/ BIOLOGICAL SON AS NEW UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT
MORITZ MORITZFIED AT PROSPECT OF WOMANHOOD
JAY AND BEY LOOK FOR FUCKS TO GIVE IN CUBA