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ISSUE 68.08 KEVIN O’BRIEN Editor-in-Chief


Managing Editor


Managing Editor


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produced an article that many found fault with. The value of the Union Weekly is that it is a direct reflection of its contributors, a reflection that is open to critique by any and all. Through the submission of letters, you have provided us with a meaningful opportunity for introspection and education. For this we thank you. In the future, we plan to be more proactive in providing more informed and contextualized content. - Kevin O’Brien (Editor-in-Chief) and Andy Kneis (Managing Editor)

[Editor’s note: What follows is a response from Noah Kelly, the author of the article in question.] Last week, I wrote a critical review of the Pow Wow on campus. What originally was meant as an unflattering view of the event itself has been construed by many as an assault on an entire culture. This was never my intention, and I meant no malice towards Native Americans. What occurred was nothing less than a lapse in fact-finding, cultural awareness, and sensitivity on my part. I spent neither the necessary time, nor effort in deconstructing an event that is inextricably intertwined with Native American culture. I am truly sorry to those whom I have offended and to those who perceived me to be

mocking their culture, their way of life, and their ideals. I would like to be able to clarify and amend my statements, so that a dialogue can be opened. When I used the rhetorical question about Indian Tacos, I was trying to illuminate what seemed to be a misappropriation of culture, and to criticize what I thought was the misuse of the term Indian as well. It was my understanding that the term Indian was an outdated racial misnomer as opposed to using Native American (or Navajo in this instance), and I was trying to point that out. I understand why my statement was interpreted as devaluing a culturally relative food, especially in the flippant manner at which I addressed it. In regards to my comment about the honoring ceremony, where members of the audience gave gifts to the dancers, it appeared to me to be disrespectful to the dancers. It is clear to me now that this is a tradition of the Pow Wow, and is in no way the dismissive act I made it out to be. In my haste, I did not take the time and effort to seek out and learn the practices of the Native American culture and their traditions. I apologize for the lack of care I took in regards to the article and the event. Both of them deserved better. [Editor’s note: The author’s response concludes on page three.]



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he Union Weekly was founded on the idea that every student’s voice is valid, that every student’s voice deserves a proper outlet. We operate on the idea that higher education derives from the consideration and understanding of different viewpoints. All students, regardless of his/her major, are welcome and encouraged to submit content and participate in its production. With that in mind, the Union Weekly is not CSULB’s official source of news—that title belongs to the Daily 49er, which is associated with the Journalism department. Our standard each week is solely to print and propagate student thought. An article printed last week covering the 41st Annual CSULB Pow Wow has been met with disapproval by many. We received countless emails and phone calls from those expressing their concern pertaining to the views of the author. The Union Weekly thrives on the input and feedback of its readers and appreciates the individuals who were willing to participate in a dialogue. We feel that both sides of the dialogue, the Union Weekly and those who took issue, came away with a better understanding. Thank you to those who transformed their emotions into an opportunity to provide knowledge and awareness. It is clear that the article in question contains language that triggers strong emotional response with those familiar with Native American culture. It was a lack of knowledge of these triggers that UNION WEEKLY

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Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : WEB :


Lastly, I would like to apologize to the campus at large. My hastily written article and the attention it garnered has cast a negative light on this publication, the campus, and the city, none of which deserve to be associated with this controversy. CSULB and Long Beach have long been bastions of multiculturalism and a celebration of diversity, and I hope to ultimately contribute positively to this tradition. [Editor’s note: What follows is a number of responses that we recieved in response to the article in question. Preference was given to CSULB students and CSULB alumni.]

To Noah Kelly and the Editors of the Union Weekly, As a CSULB alumna, I was shocked and ashamed to read your article titled “Pow Wow Wow Yippee Yo Yippy Yay”. What is the point of writing an article about something if you make absolutely no effort to find out what it is all about? Even your ignorant, closed-minded observations were offbase. Did you even bother finding out the difference between fry-bread and an indian taco? What other food did you see at the pow-pow that was called “indian” besides indian tacos? My guess is the answer is nothing. Guess what, many cultures adopt foods from other cultures and make it their own. Did you know that what we call an Italian Soda, doesn’t really even exist in Italy? Or maybe a Chicago pizza is kind of like an Indian taco, something that came from another culture and was adapted to the local culture. I have attended many pow-wows, and I happened to go to this one. What you describe as “fry-bread” (the shitty mexican pizza, in your words) is actually an indian taco. Fry bread is used instead of a tortilla to make an indian taco, but if you just ask for fry bread, you just get fry bread and then people can top it with something sweet, usually powdered sugar or honey. Did you even bother trying either of the traditional foods? Maybe you expected native american food to be something made from acorn meal that has been cured in a hole in the ground. Well, I have news for you, native american culture

is a living breathing culture that has traditions, but isn’t stuck in the past. All cultures adapt and change over time, and that includes food. Pow-wow’s are a festive event, kind of like what you would call a festival, and just as at an american festival, you have the vendors and the unhealthy food. Many Americans love to eat funnel cake and kettle corn at festivals, but that doesn’t make this food “staples”. And, yes, homeless people have hats and cups, but Native Americans have blankets. People do not unceremoniously throw donations on the ground. They, very ceremoniously, put their donations on a blanket. (If you bothered to learn anything about native american culture you would know that ceremony is a very important aspect). If you were really trying to observe what was going on, you would have noticed this. I also find it ironic that you found it ironic that vendors “circled their wagons” (a comment whose intention was clearly racist) around the dancers since Native Americans were dancing and doing ceremonies in circles long before any Europeans invaded. A circle in Native american culture is comparable to a cross in Christianity. (By the way, the dancers are not “performers” as you call them,dancing in native american culture is a prayer and is sacred, it is not a performance, even if we enjoy watching it). Next time you go to a cultural event, why not make an effort to understand what is going on before spewing your bigotry? And if something doesn’t make sense to you, or seems pointless or “cheap” why not ask someone about it instead of making assumptions. What seems unceremonious or cheap to you could be just the opposite in another culture, kind of like how a thumbs up in the middle east is more like our middle finger. Or better yet, don’t write anything at all. Sincerely, Linda Rife CSULB class of 2002

Dear Editor I am a proud CSULB graduate, MSW class of 2007. I’m very saddened by the ignorant and thoughtless article - complete with a

hateful title - written by Noah Kelly regarding his experience at last week’s pow wow held at CSULB. His apparent racism and ignorance are painful to read, and I am amazed that this was allowed to be published. I myself have attended this very pow wow several times; and while I am not American Indian, I understood that there were cultural activities happening that weren’t for me to judge, but to learn about. For example, I know now from trying them and talking to American Indians what an Indian taco is; and how it is unique. His tone about the pow wow was so condescending, so hatefully ignorant, that I wondered why he attended at all. Besides that, the rudeness was exacerbated by swearing and an especially thoughtless summary of traditional financial respects given to dancers. His racist assumption of how much was given, comparing it to the begging of the homeless, and overall attack of contemporary American Indian culture made me sad and angry at him, and embarrassed that this was coming from CSULB’s student paper. His hatefulness is now being spread around the American Indian community; how am I to stand up for the school that gave me such a great education, and has been hosting a spring pow wow for years? I strongly ask that you quickly but thoughtfully print an apology and response. I also ask that the author learn something about American Indian culture, diversity in general and a basic understanding of journalism; as well as how to show, in both words and attitude, respect for those that are different from you, regardless of your opinions. Sincerely, Beth Powers

To Whom It May Concern: Pow Wow Wow Yippy Yo Yippy Yay??? Are you serious?? What kind of joke is this? How does something this racist and ignorant get printed in the CSULB paper? I am Native American and a CSULB graduate and I am ashamed right now. I’m proud of my culture and heritage and for someone to write about what they do not understand in such

a demeaning way, AND for it to actually get printed, is beyond me. Could you help me understand what was going through your mind when this piece was OK”d? A CSULB Grad and a Proud Muscogee Creek Citizen, Roxanne Carvajal

I am a graduate of CSULB and I am ashamed to read such an article in the school newspaper. Joan Lucero [Editor’s note: A final statement from Editor-in-Chief, Kevin O’Brien.] On Sunday, March 20, 2011 at 2pm, Noah Kelly and I met with two CSULB student representatives of the American Indian Student Council (AISC), James Suazo and Sandi Wemigwase, as well as the faculty advisor of ASIC, Professor Craig Stone. In said meeting, I feel that everyone successfully communicated their perspectives on the article and the events that proceeded over the course of the last week. Specifically, how the article in question was interpreted and what the expectations of ASIC were. Sunday’s meeting was focused and cordial. However, the dialogue through email, over the phone and on social networking platforms, from those not associated with ASIC was turbulent. The product of this turbulent discourse, in my experience, was knowledge. Each email I read, and each phone call I answered provided me with a greater understanding of the individual whom I corresponded with. It is this knowledge that I value and therefore the dialogue that produced it. It is never our intention to incite or to provoke the ire of anyone. In truth the Union Weekly seeks to be all-inclusive, allowing any member of the student body, faculty or staff to express his or her opinions. With that opportunity comes a degree of responsibility on the part of the participant, to engage in any discourse that may result from their contribution. My sincerest hope, as Editor-in-Chief is that through the discourse at hand a greater understanding for all involved will be gained. UNION WEEKLY

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eing a vegetarian sucks. Since the week before Thanksgiving (the greatest feast of the year), I have stuck to my decision to forego meat and meat products. Not once have I been tempted to go back to eating chickens, cows, and pigs, but the choices on campus make it difficult to stick to my meat-free diet. I honestly don’t know how vegans eat. Everything has some sort of animal product in it; Gummy Worms and Pop-Tarts even have animal products. On campus, my lunch now usually consists of a parfait. Yes, a parfait inbetween the four classes I have on Tuesdays. The once desirable threedollar-and-something-cents Carl’s Jr. meal (composed of a burger, fries, and a Coke) is no longer an option due to the poor cow that was harmed in the making. Other food vendors on campus are expensive or just terrible.



Maybe I don’t feel like paying eight bucks for a breadwich. I am realizing that it is hard to eat anywhere. When my friends want to go to McDonald’s, I eat the parfait and a side salad. Most fast food places do not offer many (if any) options for those of us who don’t want to consume innocent animals. Fast-food chains have yet to master veggie burger production on a mass scale. Perhaps we should start creating PSAs regarding vegetarianism to promote the cause and draw attention to the worldwide lack of love for vegetarians as well as farm animals. I never really gave a second thought to vegetarians before my life-changing decision to become one. If you’re a vegetarian, you’ll know my struggle. Other members of society, omnivores, will think I am crazy until you actually go out in search of a meat-free meal. Sit-down restaurants usually have one

meatless option, the classic veggie burger. What happens when I am not craving a veggie burger? The rest of my life (at least in regards to what I eat at a more formal restaurant) will be predetermined. I have no options or choices or even the ability to make decisions. We vegetarians aren’t crazy (well, most of us aren’t). We don’t have many special requests beyond the whole no meat thing, unlike the omnivores who are incredibly picky about their meat (“I SAID RARE!”). Going vegetarian was my choice, but I am still entitled to have options. It shouldn’t be so difficult to live my life without consuming chickens, cows, and pigs! Although it occasionally sucks to be vegetarian (because it feels like the world is out to get me sometimes), it is worth it just to know that no animal lives were taken for me to eat lunch.


To the blonde girl on the shuttle last Friday: please do everyone you have even remotely come in contact with a favor and go to the lowest, crassest level of hell as soon as you can. There was a traffic light out on 7th street, causing a major traffic jam. But you didn’t give a fuck did you, you unloving psychotic cunt. Under order of his boss, the softspoken shuttle driver was not allowed to immediately drop us off at the University Library, like we all were expecting. He made an extended trip, circling through a parking lot to turn and avoid the 7th and West Campus Drive intersection, and your unsympathetic, easily-confused mind went berserk. Your constant backsass and “where the fuck are we going?” was not only severely annoying, but also really disrespectful to the driver. He’s as much a



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human as the rest of us. Despite probably not growing up with the burning desire to be a college shuttle driver, he nonetheless deserves the utmost respect from childish irritations such as yourself. The fact that he had to explain his actions to you in his nervous, quivering voice, was a testament to how awful all the heartless assholes are who have no problem belittling those who wholeheartedly serve them. I hope with all my being that you, girl on the shuttle, will fall into a terribly mediocre and highly demeaning job that will envelope you in unconstrained verbal and psychological abuse from the people and environment you serve. Perhaps you’ll be the coffee girl at a tax service, where the highly stressed upper-employees will passiveaggressively complain about you being

a despicable excuse for an office barista and a human being in general, not to mention how the only reason you were promoted out of the mail room was because you spent a long summer evening with the manager in his motel love dungeon. Or maybe you will be a security guard at a local high school, probably the one you graduated from, where it will be your duty to keep kids from doing the cool things they wish to do. Every single dragging, tepid day you will have bratty, severely over-privileged individuals thank you for making them late to lunch, ruining their lives, being a saggy, old cunt, and the like. You deserve the best, miss. As well as the rest of you assholes who could care less for other human beings simply trying to work an honest job.


Hey kids! If you’re reading this it means somebody thought you actually liked me and wanted to read more about my sad life, yay! So let’s get to business before I get cancelled. Continuing along the lines of not talking to people from last time, I also don’t like sitting next to people on the bus. If it’s empty enough, I’ll sit in the aisle seat and put my shit next to me. I usually avoid those sideway seats or the row in the very back. You can’t really stop somebody from sitting next to you and I don’t sit in the back of the bus (it’s cuz I’m black!). If somebody does sit next to you, it’s not the end of the world. But, if you’re like me it will probably be a creep. No cool creeps, like the Lonely Island, but regular creeps. Or even a creepy old man. Old creepy men LOVE to hit on me. They must hold fucking conventions on the best ways to creep me out and make shitty jokes about being single at the same time. If your new bus buddy starts by asking, “So, are you single?” You are married with 5 kids. Unless the person is cute, please go ahead and get some love. Otherwise, the answer is always “NO”. Here’s why. One day I sat in those sideway seats near the back doors. A few minutes later, this man sits next to me. Yes, he was old, creepy, AND smelly as fuck. I tried to ignore him but he drew me in with a “hello.” I said “hi” back and flashed a quick smile. Then he got all excited. “Oh girl, what a pretty smile you have!” All the happiness drained from my face and I tried to become a robot. I replied with a quick “thank you.” Then he asked the deal breaking question, “A pretty girl like you got a boyfriend?” In this defining moment the naïve dumbass in me said “no.” As soon as these words tumbled out I knew I was fucked. The man laughed. He probed me more by asking why I didn’t have a boyfriend. Yes, asshole, please rub it in. He then asked me if I’d like to go out sometime. I declined but it was already too late. He was confused because I was single. I tried to deflect him by saying that I was interested in somebody. He wasn’t discouraged and replied, “If you were my girl, I’d make you smile every day.” If a regular semi-attractive person had said this I would have been reduced to blushing and a general blob of butterflies. But no, I was stuck with this old guy and his comment was too much for me. I chuckled a little and followed with a sarcastic “okay”. The man went from sweet to defensive. “Oh you think you’re too good for me? You think I can’t get a girl like you?” I was a little scared and I tried to reassure him but it was too late. He continued to get more worked up until I was completely terrified and abandoned the bus halfway home. When I got on the next bus I stared at the floor for a full 20 minutes. Has something worse happened to you on the bus? Sorry, but send me your stories! Oh you can’t write? Well, I’ll make them better then, I’ll show them to everybody. Will it make you cool like me? Nope. You can dream though. Email your tales to



I know you’re about to rip the bloodshot eyeballs out of your weary face, but just know that you’re the better person for not taking an extra week off before actual spring break. Your douchebag buddies who go to Long Beach City College will try to make you feel differently, but don’t succumb to their sneaky traps of Four Loko and “babes.” Finish your midterms and go have a better time with your smarter friends. On Monday, Bob Cole Conservatory of Music presents Percussion Studies Concerts, Drums and Drummers, Michael Carney, director, 8pm, Gerald R. Daniel Recital Hall. For further information or tickets, call (562) 985-7000. Also on Monday, check out a BFA sculptures show from Gabriella Roth over at the Dutzi Gallery. It will be open all week. On Tuesday, the College of Education presents its Brown Bag Series, using Jing as an instructional too. It will be presented by Karin Griffin and Eileen Bosch, 12 - 1pm, in ED1 Room 1. If you’re an avid creator of tutorials for Photoshop, Second Life, or just computer how-to’s in general, then you know what Jing is. If not, you know you’ve totally watched those tutorials. Don’t fucking deny it. For further information, call (562) 985-2330. On Wednesday, the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry presents 2011 Allergan Distinguished Lecturer: Stephen Lippard of the Massachusettes Institute of Technology. General lecture is at 11-12pm, and the technical session at 4-5pm, in PH2 room 110. If a janitor whistling Elliot Smith tunes tries to outsmart him, don’t think of that as a possible screenplay—Already been done. For further information, call (562) 985-4941.





couple weeks ago Noah Kelly and I spoke to Diane Hayashino, staff psychologist of the Counseling and Psychological Services Center, as well as Linda Pena, Health Educator at University Student Health Services. The goal was to gain a deeper understanding and perspective on rape and sexual assault, a sensitive and all too prevalent topic, especially on college campuses. We hoped to get helpful and pertinent information that we could pass along to students from people who have first-hand experience dealing with this issue right here on campus. We were very pleased with the experience and the information we came away with. Our previous article [g. 6, issue 7, vol. 68] dealt with awareness and the clarification of the topic, so if you have a chance to pick it up or check it out online, I highly suggest doing so to understand what we’re dealing with. This article will attempt to deal with prevention, response and resources, but I feel a disclaimer is needed. There is no definitive guide to rape prevention. The sad fact is that tragedy could strike at any time. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you must live your life in fear, or that no education is needed. In any case, it is important to stay responsible, to stay aware, and continue an open and frank dialogue about the subject. Now for the facts: Linda and Diane explained to us that in the cases they’ve seen, a common factor in victims is isolation and vulnerability. Since most of the cases are often what is referred to as “acquaintance rape,” this means not only abstaining from walking alone at night, or other such “stranger rape” scenarios, it also means staying in contact with your friends at a party or club. Many cases handled by Linda and Diane often begin with the victim losing track of their friends and then things taking an unfortunate turn. They recommend

speaking to your friends before heading out to a party, and making sure to have a plan in case something does happen, or if one of you does lose sight of a familiar face. That way, you can still go out to a party, have fun, meet new people, and yes, drink, but you are still prepared. The bottom line is, stay aware of your surroundings, and keep in mind your friends’ whereabouts. Although people of any sex and age are targeted for assault, the fact remains that college aged women are often the most targeted demographic. However, Linda and Diane wish to make it clear that as a male, things can be done to help if the unthinkable occurs. Most importantly, if a friend or loved one chooses to confide in you, the best thing you can do is listen. Be understanding of what the person is going through, and try not to grill the victim with questions. Asking questions like “Where were you?” or “Were you drunk?” might be viable concerns, but asking such questions might make it seem like you are calling into question the validity the victim’s story and just cause more frustration and confusion. Let the individual know you are there for them and are willing to help in any way possible. If a victim of sexual assault does choose to confide in you, another important act is to not let your emotions get the best of you. It’s absolutely understandable to want to enact justice right away on the perpetrator, especially since it may be someone you know personally. However, a calm presence will mean the world to your friend or loved one. It might be beneficial to suggest a resource that can help remedy the situation, but be understanding if the victim does not want to take action right away, or does not wish to speak to a counselor, a doctor, or a police officer at the current time. Again, keep your

emotions in check, and be understanding that the victim is not ready. As a confidant, it is your responsibility to be there for your friend and loved one in their time of need. The fact remains that for many reasons, victims often do not choose to come forward right away or confide in anyone about the assault. If this describes you, please understand that it is never too late to seek help. Resources are available right here on campus absolutely free of charge: Diane Hayashino of CAPS, Linda Pena of the Health Center, and Amy Rsaza of Campus Police have formed a close working relationship, teaming up to provide victims in need with the proper campus support. Their trust in one another means that they can refer individuals to one another with the confidence that the victim’s needs will be met, and the process towards coming to terms with what happened can begin. If you know of anyone who needs help who is not a student at this school, there are 24-hour hot-lines available through many avenues, including the YWCA: (877) 943-5778. For more information, I’d highly recommend visiting the Women’s Resource Center in the Liberal Arts 3 building, room 105. Pick up a Project Safe packet. It is jam-packed with information and reliable resources all around Southern California. Unfortunately, no one can boast a full recovery from sexual assault or other such crimes, but contacting on and off campus resources is an important first step towards coming to terms with what happened. Even if you are unsure, it’s worth a trip to CAPS, the Health Center, Campus Police, or the Women’s Resouce Center where you can speak to someone that is willing to listen to you and believe you, free of any kind of judgment. Above all else, stay safe and informed.

On Thursday, Bob Cole Conservatory of Music presents Keyboard Studies, the Guest Artist Series: Rufus Choi, at 8pm, at the Gerald R. Daniel Recital Hall. For further information or tickets, call (562) 985-7000. If you’re on campus on Friday and have nothing to do or you’re looking for something to do because you live on campus, go to the Union Weekly’s Friday meeting at 2pm. You get to watch Marco try to put a sentence together. On Saturday, Women’s Tennis vs. St. Mary’s, 11AM, campus tennis courts. For further information, call (562) 985-4949. UNION WEEKLY

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The great and powerful oz Summer wars is fucking bleak!



am by no means a big Anime fan. Sure, I have seen a lot of the classics of the genre, but it’s just not my usual cup of tea. Summer Wars, on the other, hand is fantastic. The movie was directed by Mamorou Hosoda, the spiritual and artistic successor to Miyazaki. Two years after the movie’s release in Japan, the American DVD release gives new life to this film. Summer Wars is the perfect blend of science fiction and disaster movie. The story centers on high school math wiz, Kenji, who does low level security for OZ, the social network that is the center to every operation of government and the economy. After being tricked by his crush, Natsuki, into playing the role her fake boyfriend at a family reunion, Kenji is sent a bizarre text message

containing a code, which, of course, he can’t help but attempt to solve. He wakes up to find out he is at the center of the biggest breach of OZ’s security in history. The downfall of the OZ network results in real world destruction as the virus code named “The Love Machine” uses the OZ profiles of policemen, city planners, and businesses to wreak havoc on a massive scale. Amidst all the lunacy the family matriarch, lovingly referred to as “Granny,” uses her charm and connections to influence the people of Japan to keep calm and carry on. The family unit itself is enchanting. The realism Hosoda manages to capture in the crazy uncles, cousins, and children would be impressive in a live action drama as well

as in this over the top cyber punk action it is astounding. The film blends the animation style of Miyazaki and the hyper-flat art style of Murakami, creating the coolest visual style any movie has had in a long time. Summer Wars draws you in with eye candy visuals but stays with you because of the way Hosoda handles the themes of technology and disaster in an enlightening way. The film manages to deftly criticize the growing dependence on social media by showing just how easy it is to destroy. The conflict between the ultra-modern tech-centered world, and the traditional slow moving Japanese world, is perhaps best illustrated in Hosoda’s master shot—The moment in which the hyper flat cutesy world of OZ is

overrun by Miyazaki-like ancient fortresses. It’s an immensely powerful image, not to mention how breathtaking it is. Yet, it is clear from the film that Hosoda isn’t just a wholesale condemnation but a reasoned criticism. The solution to the technological nightmare is technological prowess, both by math wiz Kenji and Kazuma, Natsuki’s gamer cousin, with his Samurai-like dedication to fighting games. The scenes of Japan in disaster relief mode strike uncomfortably close to the bone following the string of disasters the country has faced in recent months, but this film serves as a reminder that the island nation has bounced back from all sorts of catastrophes in the past and will bounce back from this tragedy stronger then ever.

mission to stay and make friends. AWW SOOOO FUCKING CUTE! The rest of the episodes revolve around their adventures. All of the episodes can be viewed on YouTube and the comments are awesome. Most of them are along the lines of “Why the fuck am I wa—I CAN’T STOP!” or “I am 21 and a man. YES, I FUCKING WATCH MY LITTLE PONY” or “My little pony made me a man.” The show itself is actually pretty hilarious. The ponies are all so fucking cute. I’m not ashamed either! I do get some leeway because I’m a girl, so whatevs. The show features many horse puns ,and I die with laughter! [Editor’s Note: Kill me.] Everything somehow incorporates the

word pony. Like instead of everybody its everypony or somepony. The show is genuinely funny and beyond cute. Obviously the lessons learned are applicable to children, but even a grownup like me can learn something. Seriously all of the episodes are on YouTube and it is incredibly easy to get addicted. So fuck that paper and forget about studying, get on the My Little Pony train! Check out the memes as well, they’ll make a little more sense after viewing the show, but as Merm, our Music Editor, would say they’re “SOOOO GOOD!” If you don’t like the show, that’s OK, just don’t tell me. Seriously, you guys, My Little Pony changed my life. Let it change yours!

Every pony Needs to Watch This Shit! I’m addicted to my little pony FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER

Last week, I was checking and came across an entry on a My Little Pony meme. The original target audience for the My Little Pony cartoon is little girls, but the show has been growing amongst male adults. People from 4chan inadvertently got addicted to the show after watching clips and then couldn’t stop! I thought I was just going to get some information, so I started watching the pilot episode. After two minutes, I was fucking hooked! I watched four episodes back to back. The animation is pretty fucking awesome. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was created by Lauren Faust. She was a head writer on Foster’s Home for ImagiUNION WEEKLY

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nary Friends and I loved that show. The series revolves around Twilight Sparkle, an extremely studious pony who initially is more concerned about learning than people. Her queen sends her on a mission to find out how the sun celebration prep is coming along in Ponyville. While there, Twilight meets six ponies; Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity. Each pony possesses a different special quality that makes them helpful to Twilight. They will eventually become her friends after they fight the evil Night Mare (get it!). I’m totally spoiling things but after they vanquish that bitch, Twilight doesn’t want to leave. So the queen gives her a new







his week the Union Weekly’s Facebook wall crossed the threshold of 666 friends, clearly a moment to celebrate with black metal. Unfortunately, that article has been pushed back in favor of a Black of a different shade. It seemed all anyone was interested in this week, aside from SXSW was Rebecca Black. Her YouTube video “Friday” has seen way more than its fair shair of exegesis. One blogger in particular went far enough to call it the definitive song of the Millennial Generation. If any overarching themes could be drawn from this undeniable cultural juggernaut they would be two-fold. First, the greed of the previous generations’ extracting profit from idealistic children created in their own image, which is covered in the article below. Second, which I hope to address here, is the effects of the diminishing costs of creating visible creative products. Music bloggers make a career out of cham-

pioning the fresh face and digging around YouTube for the next big thing. Look at the success of OFWGKTA for a perfect example. When a find is bad, and I am not going to deny it, “Friday” is every bit the trainwreck it is made out to be, the Internet freaks out. All of a sudden we have turned a dark corner and the world isn’t the infinitely productive meritocracy we just got done pretending it was. We have shit the bed. I can’t be the only one who sees the blindness these critics are showing. What we see in “Friday” is the nasty underbelly of the world of Internet driven pop stardom. The mirror stage of Internet music journalism where we all discover that there is a formula to exploit and very specific avenues to get to the top. I think that strikes a lot of people, specificially Americans, as unfair. But for every Rebecca Black there are countless success stories. The too-young-to-drink-alcohol band Smith Westerns or the explosive

growth of noise, black metal and other fringe genres can all be attributed to the low costs of production and distribution which define the Millennial Generation of musicians. Instead of tying an entire generation to one catchy but ultimately ridiculous pop hit, might I offer up a battery of possible albums that might more give a broader picture at the multitude form which has come to define the so-called “Millennial Generation.” The most obvious place to start is Girl Talk’s Night Ripper which blasted mashups into popular culture. Night Ripper is a particularly good choice because it still allows for snarky bloggers to bemoan the “ADD addled brains” of Millennials. Panda Bear’s Person Pitch or Arcade Fire’s Funeral would add an element of critical appeal and indie credibility to the hypothetical designation. Hey, if Mr. Blogger from what the fuck ever site can cherry pick Rebecca Black from the dumpster, I

see no reason to exclude either of these anthemic albums. You want to call the Millenials a bunch of post-ironic nihilists? What better album than some true American black metal by way of Nahvalr’s 2008 self-titled album? The album combines an Internet friendly approach to recording by taking individual sound files collected on the Internet and turning them into the most bleak eight song album the world has ever heard. What better rallying cry for a generation continually being put under the microscope? Unable to speak for themselves without parental supervision. In the end, it doesn’t matter because people will continually sneer at Rebecca Black until they forget all about her, distracted by the allure of something new to pass judgment on. In the meantime, we will all burst into song whenever some mundane life moment reminds us that “today is Friday.”


Rebecca Black’s sole accomplishment is further confounding the meaning and implication of cultural significance. Perhaps (and hopefully), Rebecca Black’s impact on music in specific and society in general will be as fleeting as the time taken to write the lyrics to her car wreck of a hit single, “Friday.” Perhaps the attention paid to this abomination of a song and music video will boast a brevity proportional to its intensity, more so than the blogging and discussion evidenced so far might suggest. Regardless of whether or not anybody is stupid or delusional enough to let Rebecca Black keep thinking she should be producing music, let alone actually fa-

cilitating that production, the fact remains that her creation makes a statement that exists independently of the discussion that surrounds it. Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” is a song by and for morons. The product of a company called the Ark Music Factory, “Friday” is a prime specimen of everything that’s wrong with the fucked up version of mainstream society that so many people hold as an ideal. Eager to roll the dice and land on the next Justin Bieber YouTube sensation, the Ark Music Factory scoops up any and every semi-talented rich kid who dreams of a day when they can sing pop songs about jeans that feature one rap verse and all sorts

of synths and friends. A quick YouTube search will turn up a video of Ark Music Factory’s talent showcase, which is simply a parade of sub-talented Southern California snots singing shitty, derivative pop music while an emcee, throat hoarse with LA hype, flits around in a wide-knotted tie and does his best to be slick and entertaining. Instead, he just comes across as a smarmy, pathetic asshole; a poor man’s Jeremy Piven-esque douche. It’s no surprise that at the center of any discussion regarding “Friday” sits the question—asked as often in earnest, if not more often, as it’s asked with tongue in cheek —as to whether or not it is the worst

song ever produced. The song and everything else about Ark Music Factory is the congregation of every single wrong idea anybody could every possibly have about music. There’s absolutely no honesty or emotion in what Rebecca Black and her parents’ checkbook made in “Friday;” Ark Music Factory isn’t concerned with sayings something so much as they’re concerned with being something. With “Friday,” Rebecca Black doesn’t just tell the world that what she thinks (or is at least willing to express as her thoughts) isn’t just mind-numbingly banal, she insists on also making sure we know that she’s shit poor at communicating it. UNION WEEKLY

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his feature was initially going to be about Matt Dupree, former editor and writer for the Union, getting drawn naked in a life drawing setting. In the end, we shied away from that idea because it was quite difficult to get a modeling gig, and we’d rather not have a naked Dupree etched into our minds. It was an idea, but we had to put a different spin on it. Instead, we conducted interviews with people who truly know the insand-outs of creating artwork with life art models. We learned that while nudity is great and important, it certainly isn’t the most important aspect of life art. After a few fascinating interviews, we decided to change the basis of what we wanted to say. Nude modeling is an interesting aspect of the life art classes; it holds a mysteri-

ous allure as to what goes on during those sessions. There is a code between life art models, instructors, and students that helps maintain the mystery. Excerpts from the code include: instructors must “Keep classroom doors CLOSED, privacy screens up, and windows screened,” and “Allow no visitors in your classroom without your permission.” The code also helps foster the courtesy and professionalism in the classroom between the students and models, requiring that students be courteous and objective with the models. We spoke to art students, instructors, and one of the models, each giving their thoughts on the importance of life art to the aspiring art student, as well as anyone trying to improve their observational skills. Just hearing how

passionate everyone was about life art struck a chord with us. There has been debate about whether or not it should be a requirement for art students. Peter Zokosky, who teaches Anatomy for Artists at CSULB, said, “It’s so critical, and when you do it, and when you understand it, you realize its value.” Zokosky says that life drawing helps the artist truly see, and that once you can draw a human being, “You can draw a car, you can draw a ship, you can draw a fish, whatever.” We’ve glued macaroni to paper in the shape of a ship (shit), drawn handshaped turkeys, and become English majors; all of which did not further our knowledge of the fine arts. This was a learning experience to say the least. UNION WEEKLY

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We first spoke to Jasper Oliver, one of the youngest life art models around and a CSULB class of 2008 alumnus. Oliver decided to look into art modeling because he likes to do a lot of things in his life for the sake of the stories he’ll be able to tell later. Talking to Oliver, he would constantly burst into laughter. He burst into a Tigger-like laughter when sharing experiences about running into artists who had drawn him while modeling, or when asked if he “fluffs up” in order to look more “impressive.” Once, in a life sculpture class, he burst into laughter, and the instructor asked him to replicate that laughing pose for the students to sculpt. Oliver is an exam-


ple of the kind of confidence and quirkiness that art models tend to display. Life art models are a small community of artists. Before becoming a model, Oliver was told to speak to Michael Q. Schmidt, a man who has modeled for over a decade, to ask for advice. Schmidt has made dozens of television and film appearances, including naked roles in Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! and M.I.A.’s music video for “Born Free”, and doing motion capture for the mountain troll who trashed the restrooms in Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. As a 300-pound man, Schmidt was able to fit comfortably in this roll.


A group of models must display different shapes and sizes, with a large man like Schmidt on one end of the spectrum, and a nearly emaciated model on the other. A class can start with a thin model to help to better understand skeletal structure, then a muscular model can build upon that frame of knowledge, and more ample models, like Schmidt, can show interesting things layered on top of all that. And while these different models show certain deviations, looking more deeply, there is still the lesson that these deviations only go so far, and many human qualities will remain largely similar. A strong comfort level between artist and


model was largely expressed among everyone we spoke to. The only case of discomfort came from a student who faced the possibility of having to draw her friend’s father, who was a life art model, naked. When asked if she’s ever felt awkward about drawing nude models, CSULB art student Elisa Ang said, “You don’t have time to feel awkward. You got to get going.” Drawing sessions will often have short time limits where models perform quick and varied gesture poses, each pose lasting just between 1-3 minutes. The artists are required to take in the entire human form rapidly and attempt to put it to paper precisely. Models

“You don’t have time to feel awkward” CHRISTINA MOTT


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become a strange combination of a “tool” for the artist and a living person. CSULB art students would often become excited and animated when speaking about what they have learned from life art classes and work with life art models. “The skill set learned in my life modeling classes helped me go from thinking about being an artist and saying I want to be an artist, to actually

having the skill set to become an artist,” said CSULB Illustration major Victor Camba. Elisa Ang expressed similar enthusiasm, “It’s about seeing the beauty in the human body, and being able to appreciate that it is an art form. It’s an organic shape, and drawing organic shapes helps you observationally. For me, life drawing helps me in every way.” These classes help an artist learn how

“style is the antithesis of seeing” CHRISTINA MOTT

to make their hand copy what their eye, or mind, sees. “Trying to get that thing in your head onto paper is the biggest problem,” said Camba. “It’s where most people give up.” Ang spoke about seeing things differently, and noticing and getting excited about things that others sometimes find odd. “People always make fun of me because I’ll see someone that has really interesting hands,” Ang said. “And I’ll just be like, ‘Oh, I want to draw your hands,’ and they’ll be like, ‘What?’” Professor Zokosky explains that when drawing a cloud or a tree or an amoeba, a person won’t be able to instinctively tell what’s wrong with it. But looking at a drawing of a human, we can tell. Most people have been given a picture that someone else drew of them, or own one of those caricatures where they give you a big head and make you ride a random vehicle, but those images often don’t quite capture the human aspects of the real thing. The drawing might have lifeless eyes or lack a sense of bone structure. So much of our brain is dedicated to recognizing the human figure that it makes more sense to just interpret what you see. Zokosky put it best when he said, “Learning to draw, you learn to see.” One of the things to deal with is stylistic conventions, whether an artist works most drawing Marvel superheroes or anime, imitating a style. Style should be a conscious decision. “It’s funny, I don’t teach style and I don’t teach structure,” Zokosky says. “Style is the antithesis of seeing.” What Zokosky stresses is an artist’s ability to learn the different aspects of the body, how parts work and move in conjunction with the rest of the body. He notes, and Camba told of a similar experience, how there have been times when a student will look at the model and automatically put their own style to it without realizing that they are doing it. Zokosky presented the example of the Sistine Chapel, where the problem was, “How do you represent divinity on a ceiling in a way that human beings can identify and feel something from it?” Great art DOES solve a problem. The problem is often, “How

do you take a feeling inside of you, and make it something physical in the outside world?” Great artists know how to solve these problems and truly express themselves, and life drawing can give artists the powerful problem-solving tools. Unique lessons can be learned from drawing the human form that can be applied to many different lines of work because it emphasizes the importance of, maybe even the power of, observation. Zokosky called life art an acid test for art students. They try different things until they find what works while incorporating everything they have learned. It’s the great lesson everyone should take away from any institution of higher learning-to take bits and pieces from every lecture you listen to, or book you read, and incorporate it later in life.



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his semester I am lucky enough to be taking a seminar in the works of Dante Alighieri. While I find the class endlessly fascinating, I can’t help but disagree with almost everything Dante stands for as a person. Sure, his contributions to language and writing are astounding, and he is absolutely in a league of his own when it comes to descriptive language. However, when it comes to the morals he is trying to convey through his works, he is an utter failure. Not just that; he is a total dork. It would not be that big of a stretch to suggest that he is the forefather of every petty, jealous mouth-breather who draws devil horns and mustaches in their high school yearbook. Consider the Inferno. Dante managed to find a way to bitch, whine and moan, but turn it into a spiri-

tual quest. By rewriting the biblical Hell in a personal realistic manner, Dante finds a way to sneak in a condemnation of every single person or writer who has ever slighted him and pass it off as unquestionable and religious. In Hell, Dante places such close friends as his teacher Brunetto Latini, Guido Cavalcanti, and though he treats them with some compassion, he still makes a choice to place his friends in extreme torture. This doesn’t even address the amount of enemies that he punishes with nightmarish implements (which are, by the way, nowhere near as clever as Dante would lead you to believe). Plus the organization of Hell is just bizarre. Did you know that soothsaying, wizardry, magic and alchemy are worse than violence? Guess what? They’re way

worse. You know what else is worse than murder? Thievery. Which gives me the impression that Dante was pick-pocketed on the way home to write and took out his frustrations on the page. Getting past the unfathomable pettiness that motivates Dante’s childish screed, the concept of going on a dungeon crawling romp through Hell is the inspiration for every role playing game. It wouldn’t have been too out of place to see Dante roll a 20-sided die in order to dodge the attacks of the winged drake from the ninth circle. Most damning of all, when Dante doesn’t know how to end a scene, he has Dante the Pilgrim faint. What better symbol of dorkiness could you possibly find than swooning? Answer: none.


You know that feeling you get when that person you’ve been crushing on forever finally admits they like you? Or when you get the phone call you’ve been waiting for, that yes, you got the job? That’s the feeling I get when I walk into a bookstore. All I see are shelves upon shelves of opportunity. Perusing the fiction and literature sections, I’ll pick up books because they’re generally known to be good reads, or because someone recommended them. But some of the novels I get most excited about are the ones that I stumble upon haphazardly. I purchase books I’ve never heard of all the time; you never know what

kind of world might be presented to you on their pages. But here is why I spend my free time poring over the importance of each word I read: it is someone’s creation that I can hold in my hands, and it ultimately inspires me to create pieces of my own. Having someone’s creative expression is like having a piece of their soul. Think of the thing you love to do the most—and imagine if everyone could share and understand that passion with you. Even in non-fiction pieces, philosophical epistemologies, selfhelp books—everything is a story. You just have to be willing to search for it.

And with that search comes your own creation. As you get to know the characters and share their lives, you get to create an entirely new reality. There are certain novels I have read that I won’t see the movie of, because the world I created for the book was so perfect, and that’s how I intend to keep it forever. When you read others’ words, too, it causes you to look inward and investigate your own mind. I know this is probably getting too cheesy for some people, but honestly! If someone else could have an idea, write it down, and have people pay to read about it, why couldn’t you? Delving into a text becomes a springboard for new ideas.

A lot of people complain that reading a book takes too long, but every time you finish a book that you truly enjoyed, the sense of satisfaction and triumph that ensues is indescribable. I have to sit in silence after I finish most books. After you read them, they leave their imprint on you. You carry them around for weeks, and they eventually become a vague part of who you are. You might not see the value of reading because you think you’ve decided it’s boring, but that really just means you haven’t found the right piece yet. But when you do, it is the equivalent of falling in love.


On Thursday, March 10th, faculty, students, and friends got the opportunity to hear an American poet, and the recipient of two Pushcart Prizes, Dorothy Barresi. Barresi read poems from American Fanatics, her most recent collection, as well as a few from previous works. Before reading each poem, Barresi threw in a little anecdote and mentioned what provoked, triggered, or inspired it. UNION WEEKLY

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She kick-started the evening by reading a poem which has yet to be titled. “The New Privacy” or “Admit One” explores the idea of how much of yourself to keep to yourself when you have a family. Barresi mentioned that because the poem was new she had not yet decided on a title. After hearing it, I thought “Admit One” was more fitting. The poem that left a mark on me was “Small Casket,” which dealt

with obsession and the maternal experience. With quiet yet powerful subtlety, it described the bond between a mother and her son; and a mother’s need to keep reassuring herself that he’s still with her. Barresi concluded the evening by answering various questions from the audience. When someone asked her about her inspiration and process of poetry, she said, “I keep language journals with poem titles,

phrases, and words.” Because of the overall serious, thought-provoking, and personal tone and content to Barresi’s poetry, I was surprised to learn that she “really likes to swear.” Barresi currently teaches in the English Department at Cal State University at Northridge, where she is the Chair of the Creative Writing program.


ELISA ANG’S ART THANGS Art by Pedro Campos


[Editor’s Note: Google “Pedro Campos Art” to see Campos’ genius artwork in full color.] When you first observe the works of Spanish artist Pedro Campos, you might say to yourself, “Okay those are some alright pictures of fruit and beverages.” But here’s the game changer for you: they’re not actually pictures, but hyperrealistic oil paintings on canvas. And you’ll have to take my word on that, because you’ll have a really hard time distinguishing any brushstrokes or slight inaccuracies that usually give away photorealist paintings as paintings rather than photographs. It took me awhile to accept the fact that these were indeed paintings, and the only reason I did was the slightlyoff sense of light and atmosphere, which is barely noticeable even to the most critical eye. The mystery and intrigue of this artist’s undeniably prodigal talent is further heightened by the complete lack of information on him; try as I might, I couldn’t find a bio on this guy to save my life. Indeed an enigma in every sense of the word, his precision not only in capturing manmade objects with geometric forms but also organic free forms, such as his fruit still lifes, is jawdropping, to put it lightly. For someone who has only taken an introductory oil painting class, I’m fucking blown away by how he mixes colors with such close attention to detail that every variation in warm and cool and shadow and highlight blend seamlessly together to be completely convincing as all describing the form of the same object. I mean, look at the subtle color changes in any of his paintings with the plastic grocery bag in them. Notice how every variation of color perfectly mimics how a plastic bag would pick up light and shadow in real life, placed nonchalantly on a counter with some Coke and Red Bull just purchased at the nearest gas station. The way the bags sag and foldsin random configurations, creating all different shapes, and even the way he captured how it would stick to the cans’ dewy surfaces with little air pockets… I’m just saying, the dude has to have some kind of OCD. I don’t know, maybe I’m just making excuses for how insanely good he is to make myself feel better. Either way, if you’re any kind of art enthusiast you have to check out his work. Also worth mentioning, he clearly outlines the text on the soda cans and the mason jars of jellybeans. For those of you familiar with oil paint, you’ll appreciate the level of skill it takes to do any kind of lettering with such a difficult medium. To get such fine, crisp lines using oil on canvas is beyond my comprehension. And to render such an iconic and recognizable symbol as the Coca Cola logo so perfectly that people literally have to be convinced it’s not a photograph is an even further credit to his incredible mastery of his craft. Even though I can barely suppress my intense jealousy of how exponentially better he is than I’ll ever be in my entire career as an artist, I can’t help but give him mad props on his work. Kind of obsessed, no big deal. If you come upon any artists you think your fellow Union readers should see, or if you’re an art major and would like your work featured in the paper and wouldn’t mind me asking you a few awkward questions about you as an artist, email me at!






So there’s not really a name for these things besides “breakfast rolls” but I’ve heard them referred to as “Mary Jane’s marshmallow surprises” (MJ is my wonderful grandmother) and since we’ve been making them so long (since I was learning to count!) I don’t have exact measurements, but it’s a fairly easy process, probably easier shown than told, but here we go. Ingredients: • A can or two of Pilsbury crescent roll dough • As many marshmallows as rolls • Butter (probably a stick’s worth) • 1/2 cup sugar • Some cinnamon • Drizzle (powdered sugar, vanilla, milk, food coloring) Directions: You need muffin tins. I’m not sure if this is something you can get, but if not, you don’t get to make these. Grease the fuck out of the muffin tins with Pam or a similar spray-grease. Trust me. Preheat the oven to 375°. Melt the butter in one bowl and, in another bowl, mix the sugar with some cinnamon until it’s a beautiful cinnamon-sugar color. You can always mix more later if you don’t have enough the first time. Put down some wax paper, it makes the process cleaner. Dip one jumbo marshmallow first in the butter, then in the sugar, and wrap one triangle of crescent dough around it and seal it up. Dip the top of the dough-ball in butter, then sugar, and put it in the tin. Repeat ‘till you’re out of dough. Bake in an oven preheated to 375° until golden brown on top. Don’t freak out if the marshmallow exploded the roll. It’s still tasty. Drizzle cooled rolls with glaze that’s made of the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk (plus food coloring) in proportions that create a desirable drizzling consistency. Add the liquid in small increments or else you’ll use a shit-ton of sugar. I like to put chopped walnuts on top, but some people don’t like nuts. Go figure. [Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Colleen Brown for cooking this recipe for the Union Staff.]

Remember that delicious thing called a Crunchwrap Supreme? I saw the commercial for it back in 2006 and got super excited. Taco Bell took a quesadilla, put a tostada in it, and made it even more portable than before! Remember that cool hand motion they did? “Good to go.” Making fast food cool was never so easy. The only problem was it had meat in it, and I’m a vegetarian. So every time the commercial came on, I thought about how easy it would be to replicate, and I did, much to my brother’s delight. It’s his favorite snack. Don’t tell him I gave you all the recipe. He’ll be upset I didn’t make one for him. Ingredients: • Tostada • Large Tortilla • Beans • Cheese • Lettuce • Salsa • Guacamole and Sour Cream (optional) Directions: Take a tortilla and slightly toast that bitch on a griddle or pan. Lightly spread some cheese and some beans on top. Let it get kinda melty. Then put the tostada on top and put whatever ingredients that you don’t want getting to warm on top of the tostada. Then sprinkle some cheese and fold the rest of the tortilla over the tostada. This is the tricky part because you’ve got to flip it without letting everything fall out, so put a hand on top and slide a spatula under. Best of luck with that. After you flip it, let the other side get melty and then you’ll be good to go! Chef ’s note:You can really put in whatever fillings you want. Also, I don’t like warm lettuce so I don’t use it. Get creative, make your own combo, they’re fucking delish! I guess you can add meat if you want… MURDERER! Just kidding. I don’t give no shits.


Muffin tin owners rejoice! Because Grandma MJ’s Marshmallow Surprises will have you working those tins to their figurative bones. Essentially what we have here is a tiny cinnamon roll artificially inseminated with a marshmallow and covered in a festive sugar glaze (ours was pink!). Now, I know what you’re thinking, what the hell is a marshmallow doing in a cinnamon roll? But you’re asking the wrong question (quite rudely I might add): why hasn’t Grandma MJ gone commercial with these things? Crunchy on the outside, gooey on the inside, achingly sweet all over, these cinnamon-sugar balls are diabetically (diabetic + diabolically) good. Warning: beware of stickniness. True story, I picked one out of the tin they were held in and carried it to my seat some ten feet away and a strand of marshmallow goo was still attached! I was mortified. Not to mention I ruined my jeans and sweater trying to lap up all that excess goop. This reviewer recommends a bib.


Taco Bell loses in this battle of homemade vs. pimply bro-made. The homemade edition features guacamole and sour cream evenly dispersed throughout the wrap, rather than squeezed out of a caulking gun into one explosive spot. You might think it’s easier to go get a Crunchwrap from Taco Bell, but then you’ve gotta get in your car, cover your unmentionables, speak, give someone money, eat Taco Bell—it’s easier just to make it to your specifications with the comfort of cooking from your own quiet kitchen naked. If you’re into that. One beneficial change would be to evenly distribute chopped steak or bacon strips in it. Yes, that would rid it of being Vegetarian, but moral standpoint and lifestyle choices aside, this wrap would taste better with salty bacon in place of starchy beans. Also, it needs to be more than lightly toasted. And get rid of the watery, romaine lettuce with zero nutrition. That’s what I get for not making it myself. UNION WEEKLY

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This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, bodies, to, then go to hell.

Volume 68 Issue 8

Monday, March 21st, 2011

“One Boob For Every Human” Reveals World Census BY TEEJAY DINKLE After a massive, world-wide census, the World Census Bureau has concluded the following surprising fact: there is exactly one human breast for every human being on the Earth. While this fact may seem impossible, here is the rundown of the facts. Women normally have roughly two breasts. Although some may argue that some women have asymmetrical breasts, meaning one breast is smaller or larger than the other, the fact remains that women still normally have two. Another fact coming at you: women make up roughly half the population of the world. Again, some may argue that women make up slightly more than half the population. Well, get this: some women, due to tragic extenuating circumstances have either one or zero boobs. While this is an extremely unfortunate fact, women with missing breasts can feel proud that their circumstances have allowed for this cosmic equality.


John Travolta, Nic Cage to Star in Sequel to Face/Off Entitled Balls/Off BY RAT TAIL TIMOTHY

Of course, this is all just numbers and speculation. The World Census Bureau knew they had to back it up with hard data. Over the last five years, members of the bureau traveled all across the globe, collecting definitive breast numbers. “We’re really excited about our findings,” said WCB director Balor Menkal. “The possibilities opened up by these census findings are endless. Could this be the end of misogyny? Could this usher in a new Breast Era? Only time will tell.” “It was a truly eyeopening experience,” said data collector Emble Ulker, who worked with the WCB for five years, traveling all around the world, going door to door, collecting pertinent data on the people in the house and the amount of breasts contained within. “Who knew that women had two breasts? Who knew that these numbers would line up so perfectly? It’s almost... divine. We are ecstatic with the findings. There’s no telling where we go from here.”

Bankrupt, deadbeat dad Nicolas Cage has teamed up with his old, saggy punching bag of a friend John Travolta for a sequel to the universally adored movie Face/Off. The new film will be titled Balls/Off, and will feature Travolta and Cage switching balls in order to uncover a secret plot against the President. Taking place right after the first movie ends, and after seemingly killing Caster Troy (Cage), Sean Archer (Travolta) learns that there is a secret safety deposit box that holds Troy’s plans for usurping the President. The only problem is, the bank needs Caster Troy’s medical records, which Archer can only get from Troy’s doctor, and it turns out Troy has a physical scheduled for next week. Seems simple enough? Well think again. Caster Troy’s doctor is blind! When he goes for the ballcupping, he’ll be sure to realize that Sean Archer isn’t really Caster Troy, and here’s how we start the movie: swapping balls. Luckily, Caster Troy survived his spearing, and his balls haven’t started rotting yet, so he undergoes another surgery with Archer. “Time to go deep undercover. Balls deep,” says Troy. And that’s just how this exciting sequel starts. You’ll never guess what happens when Archer’s wife

“Give me back my balls” screams John Travolta in Balls/Off. “No!!!” screams Nic Cage. You’d think two adult men would be able to figure this ball situation out with their words rather than violence but I guess not.

wants some Federal Government Sanctioned sexy time and goes for her husband’s cojones. Of course, when Caster Troy wakes up from his slumber and with all the confusion that went on in the last movie, he starts to take advantage of his newly acquired FBI ballsacks and accesses Level 5 security vaults, which coincidentally all have ball-scan security locks. Talk about a pickle! “This isn’t just action-oriented too. There’s a lot of pretty existential quandaries we pose, like, are we defined by just our balls?” Travolta said of his reprising the role of Sean Archer.

He’s right that it isn’t all about action either: there’s a really heartfelt and sentimental moment where Archer, with Troy’s balls, finds out that there’s a lump in the testicles. Does Archer keep this secret from his arch-nemesis, or can he look past this duo-namic situation and keep his humanity? You’ll just have to go see it to find out! Be sure to get your butts in some seats this weekend, ‘cause you’re gonna be in for a ball-dropping experience. And don’t worry, ladies, there’s enough balls to go around in this movie. Yowza!


Kissing Tips From an Expert Kisser Trojan to Release Chamomile Condoms Listen, I’ve had my share of hot sexy kisses, and I have left all the females in my kissing wake begging for more smooches. Here’s the secret: Open your mouth as wide as you possibly can, and blow as much air as you can into your lover’s lungs. It is the most passionate and loving thing to do with another human, to have the air that has passed through your body pass through theirs. Very romantic. She will be swooning in no time. That’s all you have to do! You will be having a successful human kiss in no time at all! page EK

In an effort to “class up” safe sexual intercourse, the popular condom brand Trojan will be releasing a line Chamomile Tea Condoms, flavored and scented by real, authentic chamomile tea. Trojan hopes that this new direction for condoms will give sex a “better reputation,” due to the “bad rap” it has been getting as of late. “Sex is so barbaric, so caveman-like,” said Trojan spokesman Mike Mantlebum. “We hope to give it a classy, civilized touch with these condoms scented with chamomile. It will be like having dignified, lovely sex in the Queen’s tea dining rumpus room. It will be a refreshing change to having disgusting neanderthal sex in the back of a van.” page C2

GRUNION FACT OF THE WEEK: Blackberries are Blueberry Eggs

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Drawing From Life  
Drawing From Life  

The Human Body Through the Eyes of Artists