ISSUE 67.14 KEVIN O'BRIEN God-King email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com
ANDY KNEIS Whatever
KEVIN-SENT KEVIN O'BRIEN love my staff. I like my staff a lot, they're great. They're alright, I said so in my letter last week. This Saturday however, something was different, something was off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I don't know if everyone was sick. It wasn't quite a sickness, just a general malaise, a discomfort. Everyone was late and once they got here they just sort of sat slumped over in their chairs. The couch was in rotation, a different person splayed out every fifteen minutes. Some of them smelled, most of them smelled. I think one of them had chocolate in his/her hair and ear, I couldn't be sure. In any case, their work suffered. The feature, which was supposed to be a very technical and in depth examination of the recent ban on Four Loko by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), is a mess. I think the writer had a stroke about halfway through. I think post-stroke is the best way to describe this feature. Are their communal strokes? I think my staff had a communal stroke. It would makessense because every page is a succes-
A LETTER LIKE NOTHING ELSE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CHELSEA STEVENS Muffin Topper
Crab Shirt, Crap Shit
MARCO BELTRAN Future AA Member Denim Dan Yellow Belt
MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN firstname.lastname@example.org CHRIS FABELA cfab.union@gmailcom email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org
LEO PORTUGAL Eatitor-in-Chef
JEFF BRIDGES CLAY COOPER Sex Haver
Actor, Grunion Editor
email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org
GABE FERREIRA THE CRISPER Rain Man
P. JEFF CHANG CONNOR O'BRIEN Cum Cryer
CHRIS FABELA Orange Belt
DUMBFUCK SHITSTACK Jackie Chan Boner Haver Contributors:
sion of unintelligible and at times disturbing articles presented in bizarre and counterintuitive layouts. Maybe they were all playing soccer, without me, which is fine because soccer is embedded with worrisome socialist messages, as we all know. And while they were playing soccer it started to rain and then lightning struck the field and they were all simultaneously shocked and brain damaged. It must have turned them all into Terry Schiavos because each page seems to be a descent in to the obviously troubled and possibly autistic minds that make up my editorial and writing staff. But whose minds are they really? I don't know, half of these names I don't recognize and the other half aren't names at all. They're more like guttural, animal noises. Despite who the staffers are or what they came up with, my editors have no excuse or even an explanation for their work this week. For that reason I decided to shame my staff back on track, back onto the straight and narrow, by exhibiting their lack of effort to the students of CSULB.
All I can promise you about this issue is that it will be over in sixteen pages. Please try to hurry through. Try to turn the pages really fast, who knows, there might be one of those Animorph transforming animal things in the corner. It wouldn't surprise me, I gave up trying to edit this thing. Anyways, below is the end of the semester tradition of the Thank You, Fuck You List. This semester went by quickly and somehow we made a lot of friends and a few enemies in what felt like no time at all. You may notice some of the names, I hope you won't see those names in the paper again. Next semester will be a new start, with new features and new people to piss off and subjugate, just as there will be new people to meet and work with. I hope you will make it a point to remember us and join us next semester, or fuck off and not email me. Either one of those options is perfectly fine. I'm all done. Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? Send them to the editor at email@example.com!
MILLHOUSE BERNHARDT, LIZA DAUNTING, PETER SNEAKERSTREET, EDGAR WORMTITE, LIL JON JON, TWOFINGER FRANK BONANZA, THE CHAP, ARTHUR RUTHRA, CINDY SANDS, THE REAL PHIL COLLINS, INDIGO SMILES, CARTER KING-TANNER, CHRISTOPHERS WRIST, JAMES CHISELER, CATHY CHITLIN, TINA BOOTUMS, SPANKY TETHERTON, KRISSY EUGENE, MIKE LITORICE, SUE DANIM, GINGER FINGERLISP, GINGER FEBRUARY, GINGER GINGER, SELLERS RYE, MY WINKY FACE, OUR LADY ACORN, TIM THANKSGIVING, PERRY PAUDELAIR, ISSAC WINDS, PATTY CAKEZ, JOE BRYANT, LIVI OLIVEOIL, POPS MCCANN, RALPH TENDERLOIN, SOUTHERN BEAR, JACK SHITSTOW, LALA GAGA WAMBAN, STEVE BESET, GAMBLE GANTLEBAM, JACK JERKLEBERRY, RAM TRACKTLE, JESSUP GASHUMBER, BRAUN BOOMBACHS, KING CROTHERS, CORK SAUCEKNOTS, HANK VON WURST
THANK YOU Simone Hummers Pizza Pranks Gay Jail Pie Rec Center YoGo Steve Smash Bros White Privilege Tribadism "Ethnic" Friends "Gay" Friends Andy Kneis Gabe "Cold" Your mama A.C.T Program Rod Blagojevich Tech N9ne The Hunter Gathering The League
FUCK YOU Mario Kart Having Your iPod Stolen Free Face Painting Prayers Chairs Myriam Joseph (Two Fucks) Union Movie Night Uggs Hipster Boots WikiLeaks Brotman Hall Timely Grad Policy Film Majors Noon-Time Concerts New Janitors Broccoli College Homework Mom Chores Bathtime 6 DECEMBER 2010
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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Capitalism Nepotism Captain Ahab Bauhaus Conan Wu Tang Crab Shirt Louie The Walking Dead Tanks Grooveshark Pirate Flags Minion Pro Jackie Chan Gary Paul Fahlstay Whip-its Psych Tower Stephanie Reddit Nicki Minaj Alcohol People who died this year
Charter Basic Cable Dick Lickson Roxanna Gracia Daily 49er Women's Resource Center Alexandra Baird Prowlers Beethoven Pranks Melispa Tangent Asshole Kevin O'Brien Sbarro's Straight Jail Po-lice JAGed HateYouHard@yahoo.com White People Steve PG-13 Hole Mole Parking Lot
BIPOLAR HAND JOB he bi-polar hand-job is the most intensely scary and intensely exciting sexual prospect I can presently imagine. While the idea of anyone of the female sex thinking about touching my penis is a dream above dreams. However the idea that that same girl could suddenly switch from caressing my penis to CRUSHING it with her hand/hands is a total saw tortureporn nightmare. One minute she is gentle rubbing your cock up and down, foreskin and shaft, balls and all and then the next moment her knuckles grow white as her fingers clamp down and press upon your balls like grapes beneath the feet of fat Italian women. All that is left in the wake of her insane, bi-polar tirade against your penis is an offkilter shaft, spraying urine back into your own body producing sepsis and eventual death. Your balls are the next and eventual victims of her manic rage; they are crushed into dust, only clumped together with your own cum, ejaculate, semen, and the spawn off your loins. You need to way this terrifying prospect against the very natural and hopefully pleasure of an easy cumming. That almost sounded poetic, `easy cumming', that could be the title of a book or something. Anyways, the idea and reality of a
T SELF-PROCLAIMED LORD AND SAVIOR
YOU THINK THIS DICK IS MINE? WELL, IT IS Illustration LISA NOLDS-MOBEAL NOVA-SCOTIAN CARROT
ALMIGHTY GEORGE CANTERBURY ESQUIRE
hand-job is fantastic, but you need to way that against the probably and bi-polar outcome of a crushing and dilapidated penis and balls. On a personal note, this is less of a problem for me because I have no intention of having children at all. The idea that I would pass on my very flawed and really detrimental genetic makeup is a crime, a crime against my future children. My balls are, in all honesty, filled with poison. Any woman foolish enough to want to bear and rear my children is a fool among fools. Their children would imerge as living timebombs, only to reach the age of maturity to realize that only dementia and insanity lay in their future. This is figuertivly and literally falic argument, much like the aritlces I have writien about tanks, I hope this does not give away my identity...it kinda did, anyways tanks,.... Falic , penises falic, bi=polar hand-jobs again falic. Where is and where does my drunk and sadley free mnind leed me? To this, pity me. As a general rule I'm pretty uptight when I'm not totally and completely drunk, intoxicated and shit-faced AOOOOOH, anyways, I'm sharing terrible and honeslty distibing things with you, you pre-film, freshman asshole (untouched and unsuliied). In any case, you my friend are no where near as self-realized as I am...I am not, my ego is not that big, I would have a huge ego if I wasn't the most aware of my person. Way more than you.
I LIKE TO KISS GIRLS ON THE FOREHEAD, CAN I KISS YOU ON THE FOREHEAD GIRL?/ GOT FINANCIAL GAYED I THE REAL PHIL COLLINS MY AWKWARDLY-LONG TOOTHLESS SMILE ATTRACTS FOREHEADS TO MY LIPS
Let me fisrt start off this rant of rage nby saiyinhg, WELCOME Welconme to this terrible feat of crazy features of dark, dainty opinins. Keep on reading or your witt will de[pend on the darker side of the moon. Dloes that make sense? Opf course not. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trekking on this adventure of adventures, just like Indiana Jonsie. That's exactly what this artifle is, Indiana fucking Jones. That's really what Financial Aid is.... Indiana jones. It's a dangerous landscape of bending twisting turns that turn into fucking you overm, until you decide to fuck a middle aged woman who bares Shia LeBouf. What a cunt, riiiight?? Yes. I knwew you'd agre with me =) Basically financial aid is a total prick. Even though my dad doesn't make a lot of money and I have like 15 siblings (for real, yall), the Pell Grant assholes don't think I'm good enough. Sorry! Really. I';m so FUCKING sorry that I can't e poor enough for you. I'm sorry that my dad didn't fight in Korea or Vietneam, I'm sorry that my mom has all of her limbs and is mentally com[petent, I'm sorry that I'm a crazy lower class whitey. Yeah, I fucking said it! Deal with it, yall! I'm sorry. Actual;uy I'm not, I'm just being coi and sarcastic. Imagine ;my middle finger is being stuck into your dilating pupil right now, mother cunt muncher cheese bag! That's you, in case you were wondering. So anyway, I can't register for my clases because I can't pay my on campus housing bills, and my Stafforsd Subsizied loans won't come in for another fucking three weeks or so, because our CSULB financial aid deparment can't get off their ass and do something! Follo2w Sopike Lees advice and Do Spomethign. Wiat what was that MOVIE CLALLED? The one in Bfrooklyen??? I can't remember. Oh well. Look ity u[p on the IMDB. Anyway, I tghink Stafford loans shuld come in wyuicker, just because when people need money fast, they can't get money fast. Igts like those asshooles on tV who say< "Hey, fucker! Need money, NOW? Well, hey, gegt money now! Get it, playa! Ride that ho! And get money while you're doing it!" I WISH I could get money while I de=fl;ower myself, but life isn't like that; Li9fe A[PPARENTL;Y is all about waiting and getting scerwied over by the government that apparently wants to help you with their RE[publican riches, but it doesn't work. I myself akm a centered=-democrat, jhust like almost every other college kid who wants to invent their own political standing. It's pathetic, really. Anyway, I hate lonans, I don't want to be in debt, I don't want to be bound to this establishment that sucks my dixk wth its terrible ways of wandering wonder, its terrible tantrums of Reagaonamicds, its complete cunt face-mess of other days. Keep me in your prayesrs. Death. Despair. Live. Life. Viva la vida. Like fucking coldplay, those Brit assholes. What ove4rsea pricks, just like the Cal Grant folks. Socialism, yo! Just kidding=)
6 DECEMBEARD 2010
I WIELD A STAFF 0 OF CHILDREN THIS ARTICLE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STAR WARS BUT S O M E T I M E S Y O U D O ' N T N E E D A R E A S O N F O R S TA R W A R S ALMIGHTY GEORGE CANTERBURY ESQUIRE YOUR GOD IS DEAD, WORSHIP ME
JAMIE CRANBERRIES HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!
The angery at drunk. My staff is a staff of children. They are, you don't know who or what what my job is, anyways my staff is a staff of children (except Chelsea).. They will amount...to NOTHING. this is no inspiering I AM ZUKERBERGING I sank the fucking titantic, they yeal and yalp like animals like mindless animals like fur coverd animals of the wild, each and every one of them, and they shit were they eat and they eat where they work and they fart where they eat and work.
they fat endlessly, they eat endlessly. I wll graduate befor emost of them which is good because i will take all the jobs before they can totally and utterly fail at them. I have run out of steam. Fuck you, you fucking mindless peasent, you will amount to less than nothing, grad school is too good for you, as is the...capitalism will bear me out to be the winner, you will be excised to the periphery like a child solider like a child laborer i will exploit you, you will work your little finger bones to their bone bones, and i will reap sweet sweat profit
from them, like the seat from your brow i will wipe away the profit and eat them i will take them in and bring the profit into my body, i am ruthless, humanity is alien to me, its great, it makes life easy. Time to make this professional, blah blah balh integration, bLh bLH blH back of the bus, black. Tanks, thank you very much, a nyways, as a person of powe r, not a specific power so you can find and disvocer me and fire me...fuckers,, anywyas as a pwerson of power, THE person of power, the
central and single person, you come to think of all people as stupid and infintile, intantile child-like, you start to compensate for them even when you don't have to. The stupidity of human beings is astounding. End of article. life lesson learned. Kill yourself. you died.
THE AUTHORS OF THESE TWO ARTICLES ARE VIOLENT AND LOVERS AND DRUNK, THEY'RE PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE TIHS SHCOOL FUKCDNG SCUSKS HAHA HENRY I POPPED HERS ---> (HER CHERRY, NOT HER BOOB)
80085 (THAT SPELLS BOOBS) THEY ROCK CHERRY JASMINE <---- THAT GUY POPPED MINE (MY CHERRY, NOT MY BOOBS)
All right listen yup fucks. There's a problem that's been plaguing our campus for years. It's been pissing everyone off, ands as a guy who works for this paper, I am obligated to write about it because seriously people are going fucking nuts about this thing and peo[ple will go crazy if I don't say something. It's a powder keg@@!!! a powder keg!!! There's an issue whith the bughet as school. There's a problem qand Fuicking Alexander and all of the assholes who ryun things know exactly what's going oin. There is a budget crisis and the higher ups know exactly what the problem is. There is frivolous spending happening all over the damn school. Most specifically: the carpets. The carpets on the bottom floor arew FAR too squishy. Seriously, have
any of you assholes walked on this thing at the bottom floor? it's way too squishy. How many of our dollars were sunk into making this floor super squishy?? Probably at least a thousand dollars. What's underneath those carpets? what is making them so squishy because the carpets are way too squishy and way too much money is being put into making these things squisy. What's under there? Golden truffles? Fox skin made out of gold? Golden dicks and boobs? I know that top dollar would be paid for all this thigns and I know for a fact that f king paid big money to put these things under the feet of those nerds that sit there for hald the day playing world of warcarft and animes and all that other shit. PS I'm taking back the
word WOW. I know nerds and warcraft fuckas have been using it for a while. It's mine now. Get used to it piggle waggles. It's mine and I'm gonna use it all damn dayh, and you can make the carpet as god darn squishy as you want, but I like saying WIOW and I'm gonna say it as much as I'd like. Blionkle out!! who is that. what am I saying. I drank a very lot. I am very drunkj on a beer. This is not a joke and I know a lot of you are readign tyhis like "ophhhh he's just making mistakes because he's a fake" but you';re an ugly asshole who is wrong because I am rather drunk and when I'm drunk I turn into a brit. Cheers mate put a nother shramp on the barny. This is the real deal so read the rest of these articles before I blast your ass. PEACE.
I have a boob. Actually I have two of them!!! they're the best. for several, several reasons, they are the only two things i can depend on in this life. men have betrayed me. friends are fleeting. boobs are here to stay. when you sleep, and you fee like you need a teddy bear, but you don't have a teddy bear, or you are too old for a teddy, you at least have somethign to rest your arms upon. somethign to cling too. when your hands are cold, you can wedge them in between your boobs, one at a time. when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation or when you are giving a speech in front of your class, you can look down and see your boobs and feel assured, because they have been there and will be there always. what i don't understand, and what i appreicate but
may never understand is why men love boobs. what is more perplexing than the idea of a collection, a LUMP of body fat. literally a gob of fat. a glob and gob of fat. just a piece of fat hanging off of a body. WHY is that appealing? i don't udnerstand. especially because of nipples. some nipples are okay. i will not lie. but some people have the most disgusting looking nipples. like, long huge nipples or huge pepperoni aerioloas. whby did god make these happen and why are they considered, in any way, to be attractive? i DON'T UNDERSTAND. oh hang on, a guy is talking to me right now. he says that he likes boobs because he is commanded by genetics and the need to spread his seed. what a jerk. men have started wars over boobs. no women have started no UNION DRUNKLY
wars over penises or abs or anything, but the world is changing, and who knows what will come. my point is that i love having boobs and that i feel attached to mine, literally and spiritually and emotionally and figuartively . the world should feel free to look at my boobs as long as they are clothed, because they are representative of me as a woman and they are my friends and they're really good boobs. sorry if you don't havbe any! D3548700cf
6 DECEMBEARD 2010
I I HATE IT WHEN YOU WRITE STORIES 'll tell you a bit of a secret. There is a creatiuve writing program on campus that I am a part of in a way and I will teach you Anyway you just focuse on the dialogue and the characvrers. There's a lot of other aspects in crearive writing but just rewaaaallly writing class with a very bad homoerotic story being read into your ear. Anyway, just tell the person the dialogue was good and the secrets to bewing the cool drunk guyt in class. In class you will be expected to create helpful and interesting responses to everybody's terrible writing. Here's the sectet. Juyst say you enhjoyed the dialogue. Say you liked it because it seemed likew what people would really say. Obvisouly, it's not what people would really say, but you say that because it will make the person happy, and it will seem like much less of an insult when yoiu tell the person that their format and their syntax is rather trite and the plot is not very good. then explode their brain wioth your terrible criticsm!! their plot was trite and you'd like to see more interesting turns. Tell the person characters are cliche. AND THEN YOU READ THEM OUTLOUD their their mind. or whatever. blow riously that is npot eeven possible. Have you I don't really care abotu what you do. ever been iun a creative writing cl;ass? ytes my lifre rules. I can come drunk or super you reaer. yes you... TODD. If your name is tired to the terrible class and then gibve a todd maybe I just freaked your fuckign mind seemingly well-thought-out response but in out but maybe your name is one of the other reality youre drunk as hgelll, similarly to my names and your ass doesn't care. BUT any- current state. this is not fake this is supe real way you are probably in a very bad crearive this is the drunkest I'bve been iun a while. focus on those two because whewn you really destroy the pewrson'sw writing it will seem like you actually like th shit even though se-
You don't care and I don't kow that. that's fine. I hope you didn't re\ad all this. I'm sorry,. I'm hugging on the couch. I like writing goodbye, faus.
HAHA HENRY UNION STAFFER
BEST PLACES TO PISS ON CAMPUS: AN ESSAY
AND THEN YOU READ THEM OUTLOUD. AND THEN YOU READ THEM OUTLOUD. AND THEN YOU READ THEM OUTLOUD AND THEN YOUR READ THEM OUTLOUD AND THEN YOR READ THEM OUT
MY NIGHT WITH THE PROWLER BRAUN BOOMBACHS UNION STAFFER
THE ARTICLE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING DRUNK AT THE REC CENTER BECAUSE THAT IDEA DIDN'T PULL WEIGHT the fuck!?" At this point he futily tried to flick on the lights, but I had turned off the lamp at its base. When the lights wouldn't come on, he carefully opened the door, and backed out. Bending over and facing me as he closed the door, he gave me a big grin. I laid my head back down on the pillow, and rubbed my eyes to make sure this was all real. After a few seconds, I got up and walked through apartment. There was no intruder. Two out of three of my roombutts, lol mates were in their beds asleep, with the third, asleep on the living room couch. The reason I didn't get up ready to punch a man's jaw through the back of his neck was because the week prior my roommate had mentioned having the continuing problem of sleepwalking. Not wanting to murder my roommate, I just turned on the lights, assumed it was him being REALLY weird and went back to bed. At the time, I hadn't even heard mention of the Long Beach Prowler, so I didn't put the logical part of my brain to work. I didn't think that the five seconds it took me to get up and look around is plenty of time for any prowler to flee. I just settled on the idea that my roommate was sleepwalking or that we had a ghost. On lonely nights, I sit by the windowsill--window open obviously--waiting, wondering where the Prowler could be and why he doesn't take me away from this cruel, cruel world. If you're reading this thinkbedroom door. ing, "Hey, but where are all the facts and Feeling the need to be aggressive, I yelled statistics and infographs about crime in "HEY!" to get his attention. He craned his Long Beach." Shut up. You don't need that. neck to look at me and whispered, "Shhh" All you need to know is to lock your shit up with his finger to his lips. I yelled, "What before bed. Don't be stupid like me.
LISA NOLDS-MOBEAL UNION STAFFER
The Long Beach Prowler, sounds seductive doesn't it? Sensual even. Prrr, ggrrrr here comes the Long Beach Prowler! Like a pulp novel hero who climbs into your candlelit bathroom and has muscular, bubble bath sex with you. Too bad he's some dude who climbs in open windows, hides in bathrooms in his underwear, and waits for any women to enter. Prominently prowling throughout last September, with three reported incidents in Belmont Heights, specifically around 2nd street and Termino, the Long Beach Prowler has since dropped off the scaringwomen-to-death scene. At the height of his prowling, the Prowler was known for not stealing or attacking, but just hanging out inside apartments in his underwear and fleeing when the intended victim came in and screamed in his face. Weird fetish. How he got in? Windows left open and doors left unlocked. Maybe we have the winter months to thank for not seeing him recently. It's too cold to be gallivanting around in boxers like a creepy Peter Pan--that and it's too cold to be leaving windows open. So that just leaves the people too dumb to lock their doors as potential victims. September 18th, I was one of those people too dumb to lock their door. It was after a party, my roommates and I had kicked everyone out, turned off all the lights and hit the hay around 2:45am. We must've been too busy throwing out bottles and stragglers to notice if anyone had locked the door, `cause no one had. At 4:45am I woke
up, looked up over my shoulder and saw a skinny, average-height man in his boxers with a Beatles haircut standing feet together and arms at his side, staring straight forward at the Ziggy Stardust poster on my
BRINGIN' MY F*KING GAME TO THE RIZZLE-C So I walk into the Rec Center feeling pretty drunk waiting to unleash my crazy drunk abilties on the basketball court. I want to p/lay basketball and score more points than the othwer team. Even if the other team wins., I wnt to play good and score a lot of points and playing good is more important than winning, b reel. Specially if I get lot of assists, because white people love asssts. I lace up my kiks and grab a basketballl to warm up for about 47 seconds. Then someone yells at me. Tehey need one more player for a full-court five--on-five game. I saunters over to the court, I don't want to waste anynergy. When I get on the court, I notice that a$$hole you call "President F. King Alexander" is on the same team as me. Why couldn't he b on the other team so I can take my anger on him?? Betterr yet, why can't I play him in one game? Here's what woulkd happen if that ever came to fruitstation. "Czech," I say, pissing the ball to the Prez. I throw at his feet, a total sign of disrespectz. This shit just got real. He drib-dribs around and I step on his foot, trip-trips him up. As the ball bounces away and out of his bunds, I call, "My ball." Yeah, that's right betch. I chech into the ball, firing it at his chest. As soon as he pisses the ball back to me, I drive straight to the right side of the basket. As he puts an arm up to try and play some pathetic defense, I drive my left elbow rigt into his throat. He cookiecrumbs to the ground and I go on for an easy layup. "That's for raised tuitionstation." I'd like to kee[p scoring and making every shot, but I'm not that good at basketball. He finally gets the ball and hits a 3-pointer. "yUr foot was on th line," I say. His foot was at least three feets behind, but whatever. He czechs and tries to drive to the basket, and I slap his arm, forcing him to throw up a horrid shot. I get the ball clear it out b-hind the three-point line and run straight into him causing him to kind of duck out of the way, but not enough and he falls on his back, "And one," I say, looking coool!. I kep making shots on him and fouiling on him, but he refuses to call UNION STAFFER
TIKE MAYLOR them, because hes scared. I'm up like 12-0, and he gets a r-bound, and I push him to the ground and grab the ball, when that dick has the audacity to calk a foul on me. What is his DEAL? He gets up and cheks the ball into me, and I throw the ball to his face, then charge and punch him. As he falls to the ground and whines like a toddler, I leave the WReck, I hop on the shuttle and herd to the Nuggit, because I'm dehydrationstation. And then President Alexander came to the Nuggit and he has a sword and he was t looking for some retribution, and he also had abunch of expulsion papers and ppop and CONTINUED ON wats going on? MUSIC, PAGE 10 UNION WEEKLY 666 DECEMBER 2010
REAL TRUE STORIES FROM REAL TRUE PEOPLE THAT REALLY TRULY HAPPEN
GORLANDO BITTLEBU RG
6 DECEMBER 2010
6 DECEMBER 2010
SAW THIS SICK BAND LAST NIGHT control of their bowels and the second row absent-mindidiley fights each other. The m ' other one just shreeeds. Constantly. He nver not that big into metall music, I seen plays below the tenth fret and his fingers are the VH1 dokcuimentary on th his- a fucking bluer with chromatics r fingertory of Metal, I have listened to a few songsd taps'; you can never tell because his hands here and theilr but when I saw that the most are ttally phantoms. AutOMurder has two brutal blood curdling erection-=causing drummers, both singularly inadequate, but band, Auto-Murder, had tickets available for combined produce the craziest blastbeats in their underground dungeon show en down the history of metal. There is also a stand-up .com LAngeles I jumped to livenation twn bassist and a screamer/singer responsible for ? immeidately and pirchased a ticket. the only lyrics on the homepage. The lyrics tour from their "Auuuutooooommmuuurrrrrdddderrrrrrr" Auto-MURder was on home town of Saatanworschipp, Sweden repeated with variations on intonation and and the locals down there been known to timing, especially during the breakdowns. burn down churches and Jewish temples This is the band I heard on my myspace preschools round the town. The original juniyor year of high school that manged and nembers off the band have been said to have to catch my b reath and hold my loins in a s been born from the same ritual ten mile choke-hold upon first listning. I needed to underground.> see them. I asked around to the most conthough,, is composed of victed friends I had and asked them if they've The band now, nine members � some of whome ar origi heard of Auto-Murder. From the group that guitrists juss joined the band not said `yes", I found my crew and went in for da nal, some more then two weeks earlier. They have Five craziest night of my life. guitarists � Four, playing the same chug We arrived around 2:30p.m in the middle no harmonies or of warehouse district were we had to pass chug-chug! rhythm with e differentiations but literally the exact-sam several homeless bums and one big, bearded, ! riffs that are tuned so low leather-clad Nordic douche checking for ages chug chug chug the front row of the crowd invariaibly loses and citizenship. Before letting me and my die
I SO WISH YOU WERE THERE IT WAS UNREAL. UNREAL I'M TELLING YOU. GREG WAS THERE JAGER WAS LIKE 2 BUCKS AND THE BAND RULED SUCH A BUMMER NOT SEEING YOU. CORK SAUCEKNOTS
SERIOUSLY, I'M PRETTY SURE I STILL HAVE YOU'RE NUMBER COME OUT WITH US FRIDAY IT IS GONNA OWN.
hardy friends in he ded clined three younger blonde gals who ende ly escorted away from the velvet up bein quick line with a three hunerd pound man and his . goat. Where they went, I don't want to know ed our way Through the door, we wind down through four stories of cold marble bee fore w3e met with the large expanse theyv for our AutO Murder exremodeled solely s perinece. We missed the opening band but we Trenchfoot and Marinara Bloodsauce didn't care, we were here for AUTO-MURDER. Once they started, my friends and me were knocked in our feet and some of us started vomiting. Their sound was penetrating and I wanted to call for help but all my cries were drowned out by thr weei the lead guiiggghhhHHAaaaAHH! of
tarist. I quickly succumbed to their power and thrashed my head with the rest of em. Halfway through their set, as happens with every set, a guitarist chugging so hard their spleen thrustss through their ribcage erupting in a volcano of blood and bile, right on stage, in front of everyone. Though they are 1 guitarist short, the band does not miss a beat before a member of their die-)hard culit of fanes rushes up on stage, dons the "guitar-of-the-fallen} and resume's with the rest of the set. Apparently, this happens with a every show of theirs since at every show s up dying and a fan always guitarist wind managers to take their place. The show finished up without a hitch until fiveAM when I got dropped and slept off the sound for the next twelve hours.
YOU DISGUST ME THE S FROM HANG GLIDING ENTHUSIAST
You call that concert going? pathetic. Listen up idiots cause class is in session. The Sprank is here to fix a fucking hole in our music scene. I am gonna school all you forty-niners on the finer points of audience participation. I have been going to shows since I was a high schooler back in Costa Mesa. Back in the Mesa we live by a certain code. Which puts us on a whole nother level then you long beach ass-holes. First of all, always come dressed to IMPRESS. I know this is southern California, but that shouldn't keep you from layering up, to poor to keep up on the latest vests and newsboys? Don't even bother showing up. Remember you're not over-dressed everyone else is just a fucking pauper. Two, No matter what, start a fucking pit. You're not a pussy are you? Everyone always loves it. I was at Animal Collective at the fucking Wiltern 3 years ago in the mezzanine and they started playing one of their lame ass slow songs and I Just started yelling CIRCLE PIT CIRCLE PIT circle pit, bro you had to have been there, the place went OFF. No one was expecting it, but they all had the time of their life. That's what you tight-ass concert goers need to learm fun can happen when you least expect it. Like there was this one chick who was clearly into me she got knocked over, who was there to pick her up? Moi. Who may or may not have acci-
PARTY TIP SPRANK I call it dentally
knocked her over? Who knows, but me and Allison are very much in love. Don't let a mellow moment stop you from getting shit done. Which brings me to my next point, If you get hot take off your fashion vest and stand in front of the nearest fan, every show I would go to has one. Nothing feels better after you work up a good sweat then a cool dry fan. Trust Me. This next one is more of a personal preference, but I always come strapped with the freshest weed, and lucky for you common folk, Chad Sprankle has a bit of a philanthropic streak in him. So next time you got some weed on you, do like the Sprankle and exhale as much as you can into your neighbors face, it will be a special present from you to them, works every time. Anyway losers, if you take anything away from this lesson let it be this, make the concert your bitch. Sure everyone is there to see the bands, but they are also there to have a good time. Make sure you let the band know what you want to hear. Wanna hear a cover of freebird? Let em know. Radiohead fucking up and playing experimental new shit off lp8? Tell em to cut it off with a rousing jeer, "OLD STUFF!" My favorite encore request? La Bamba. Everybody knows it, so if they don't play it, their the asshole. Just make sure you make that concert your bitch and loosen up. Sprankle out.
06 NOVEMBER 2010
WOULD BE ABLE TO WIGGLE MY BUTTHOLE LIKE SOME A DOG'S TAIL. THAT WAY pEOpLE WOULD KNOW WHEN I'M HAppY. MY DAD SAID IT A GOOD DAY WAS HAvING
THE REAL PHIL COLLINS
PIECE OF SHIT, DOG-BOY
Trumbo. It goes into slight variance with other members of the AHOllyewood Ten, but it really focuses on the Trumbo, just because he is one of the most ballsto=the-wall, arrogant, intellectual, flamboyant (but not in a gay way, in case you prying arrogant were wondering... TOLERANCE, PLEASE), members of that radical group. Trumbo was blacklisted during the HUAC's black-
THIS GUY WAS A COMMIE BASTARD
MY MOM pOUR HONEY ALL OvER HIS BODY AND HAvE MY LITTLE SIS-TER LICK ALL OF IT OFF. THAT'S WHAT I FEEL WEARING vELvET IS. HAvING A CHILD LICK THINGS OFF YOUR BODY. FUCK SOUTH CAROLINA.
I LOvE HOW vELvET CARESSES THE INSIDE OF MY THIGHS. IT'S ALMOST LIKE SOMEONE RUBS HOT OILS ON MY LEGS AND TICKLES MY NETHER REGIONS SLOWLY Ev
-ERY TIME I TAKE A STEp. I'M GETTING vERY AROUSED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. I THINK I'M GOING TO ASK MY HUSBAND TO pOUR SOME WATER ON MY pROLApSED ASSHOLE. IT WOULD BE REALLY AWESOME IF I
I had this idea for a show that I think would be awesome to see on tv because I got tired of watching all the episodes of the X-files, the eight season was really disappointing. They tease me for the whole series about Moulder's sister being alive but then it turns out that she has been dead for the whole show. I know that it's going to be something anyone that hasn't already spent the time to see it will watch it so I guess I can spoil the shit out of it. Fucking bitch. I didn't think I would accept Dogget as a replacement, but he was pretty awesome. That was the guy from Terminator 2 and From Dusk Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood money. I always wanted that guy to play Dale Gribble from King of the Hill if they were to make that into a movie. That would be a cool movie. You know what would be a really cool fucking tv show to watch? A fat guy who happens to have a job that he really is kinda good at but not really, and he has this super hot half wife half really mean harpy lady, and he has like a daughter that is kinda a teenager and maybe a little promiscuous, but she really is just minsdudenrstood and then wow, holy hell this is such a good idea. I did a lot tonight already, Im gonna take a break and look at some youtube
Hello reader. Fist off, go fuck yourself. Thanks, "friend." Secondly, let's talk about Dalton Fucking Trumbo. Who is he, you say? Of course you'd say that you ignorant fuck. What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing. Nothing at all. If you do know Dalton Trumbo, you're just a film douchebag, like myself. So fuck you and listen up. Or read up. Whatevefr. So the documentary "Trumbo" is all about this guy who likes to piss on people. Really. He wrote a letter that ended with, "Oh, and say hello to my friend.... And PISSS on my enemies./" How quaint. How oloyal to the faint works of anti establishment sentiment, against the mangled reigns of the House Unamerican Activitoies shit. Okay, stop, Justin, you may say. What in Mohammads' green eatrht are you speaking of, dear sir? Well let me tell you, young prick face! Dalton Trumbo was one of the "Hollywood Ten," a group of ten Hollywood industry luminaries who were convicted by the HUAC of being dirty commies. Gee whiz, what a gas,, right? Fuck you. Nobody says that anymore. Anyway, the whole documentary is all about what ha[p[ened to Dalton
HEEY LISSINA THIS. DUUDE THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING COOL IDEA. JUSS LITSEN GOrLaNDO bittLEbuRg BONEUr EDITOr
videos. Suggtested videos are a good place to start I guess. Holy shit, look at that kitten! He sounds like a goat! OH M GOD HE LOOKS LIKE A GOAT. That's such a goat cat. I want a goat cat. I wonder what kind of breed he is so I can buy one later. Oh there's no-
tying with his cousin Ptrecious and then a few more drinks later and , then maybe they accidentally played a game called just the tip and then a baby happened. This is what this kitten would be classified as. So then the guy just wakes up in this hole like in the park, to give it like this CSI edge, and he doesn't know
ather video by this guy, and a different cat. Oh that's adorable. That's like if Adorable went to a family reunion and started having some drinks, amd maybe eaccidentally starting flri-
what the fuck is going on. He digs himself out with the spoon he had in his pocket from that day he went to eat at the yogurt place with the colors. People think he's like a zombie so
listing bullshite. He wrote many a letter to other blacklisters, other Hollywood luminaries, and even "fronts" who would use their name as a Trumbo pseudonym (since blacklisted people could't do stuff. Oh, McCarty, you seedy bastard of the night. I hope you';re whoring yourself to the hell's pigs of satan's bloody asshole\). There were a lot of stars who would recite Trumbo's letters of pure despair and lofty diction. These stars they send him to the hospital to try to figure out what's up with him, but it turns out that his hot wife works at that hospital, which would be the perfect place to add in like a sexy nurse dream sequence, so we would need a really really hot chick. Not those ugly chicks from girls behaving badly. The stuff they do is gross. I don't like it and someone show mail them a turd via UPS or whatever postal service shit you like. The only good pranks are the one's on steve Harvey or like if they fuck up someone's life. That would be great. You tell everyone that this guy is a like a pervert and like to rub one out to pictures of old people that only have one eye. I think that people should masturbate to more old people. I'll put that into my show. Leonard makes a fantastic supporting character for this series and I find his foibles the most engagoing part of this oungf series. Leonard is a young Italian who is kept in check, by his very traditional family. Whereas the main plot of the Police Academy grows tired as the short run first season goes on, the immigrant Italian family feels fully fleshed out. They make spaghetti dinners together, they greave together. They are the most realistic Italian family sense the Sopranos.
included Paul Giamatti, reciting Trumbo's cynically, comedic jargon; Nathan Lane, reciting Dalton's letter about masturbation to his ten-year-old laddie of sperm son; Liam Neeson, who recited all of Trumbo's letters he wrote in prison, ending each monologue of sorts with a salute and Trumbo's prison number, since Trumbo went to prison for his alleged political standings. Land of the free, ladies and gents..... land.... Of the freee. NOPE. Not today. The documentary as a whole was quite inters4esting. It had plenty of stock footage. It had a lot of dramatic monologue reciting from A/B list writers. It had great footage of the HUAC meetings and witch hunting shit. Deal with it fuckers. It's a great documentary. I hopwe you're not stupid enough to understand it. Deal with it, like yo motha would, yo. Don't kill yoself, kill yo friends. Theyh be dumb. Jus kiddin, yo. See how I just flipped that around? Clourse you didn't. Open your wombs and implode the understandings your sily minds can't escape. Live it, go on NetFlix, search "Trumbo," make sure y0u have multriple hours to keep/ waste, and watch it. You'd be surprised how enjoyable non-fiction can actually be. Peace, suck your own dick. Peace.
READ THIS PAGE FOR DRUNK POETRY UR LIFE YOU ASSHOLD ONCE IN YO TITERATURE THIS PAGE STILL LOOKS BETTER THAN THE DAILY 49ER HAH HAH Be Progressive Be Aggressive Be Obsessive Be my love Missive My Dearest, my dearest Flo I give you all of me, now give me mo' Flo, oh Flo, Flo Flo Flo Everything about you, screams mo' mo' mo' Your lips and your hair, and your voice all scream DTF and your deals, your promises, your breath took all I have left Give me the beast, the beast deal you got I'll tell you what I have to spend Let me in on your spot of land, your little plot and I'll give you all that I have to lend. Your ivory eyes smile wide and your pearlescent teeth grin wild Your headband falls from your kiwi scented tangles and your chin protrudes to say, take my wild life and wrangle WOW ME, ZOW ME SOW ME, POW ME EARLOBE NIBBLER
Your ruby red lips say no What your emerald eyes tell me yes Your ruddy red brown hair screams, pull me and your white Progressive smock shouts, thrill me KISS ME, KILL ME KILL ME, KISS ME
My dearest Flo, open your arms, and tell me your angle Tell me your secret, that I should not be dangled. Let me in, into your banner, star spangled. Envelope me like a luxury liner in your Bermuda Triangle.
I'm your deal, I'm your steal, I'm your ferris wheel I'm your ace, I'm your bass, I'm your anchoring place I'd stay with you forever, be it car, boat, or motor bike I'd stay with you forever, be it truck, plane, or trike
Talk to me, sweet whispers of deals tender nothings, and blushings of discounts I bite my knee in vain: a promise that seals that I'm enthralled with your acccounts that there are bullions, and galleons to save when all I really wanted to do, was hear you say
My dearest, my dearest Flo Tell me, tell me to my heart save me from my thoughts, and woe Tell me, tell me that I can start All over again, that my crashings all my accidents are forgiven and forgiven
Friday, near Gladys You"ll get mugged, get a black eye I lost a great bike. I better not buy a gun, gonna make a mess but who'll pay my rent? Hiakus are easy Syllabuls, count them one, two, etcetera man. I complain too much Can people tolerate me? Probablay they can't. People want comics About shit, come on you guys So so childish I hate all assholes they are the worst of the worst Don't be an asshole. Not Hiakus
6 decembo 2010
Whats this i see here? Those two sitting together walking hand in hand Occasionally hugging, but in an adorable, awkward way My good friends been going steady for just over a year now fucking adorable So gay, I hate thise dicks just kidding, they alright They are a couple of chill ass bros in my opinion congratulations on being happy you twoo being all great rubbing our faces in it Sometimes its frustrating Your relationship should have a tewiitwr
WHEN IT SI NIGHTTIME
RAT TAIL TIMOTHY
THIS PAGE IS ALL TDRUNK POETRY AND IF PLEASE YOU WILL NOTICE, MOST OF IT IS DRUNK POETRY BY SOME LONELY SAD GUYS WHO WNAT TO WOO LADIES WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY MAIN POINT AN D A LIFE LESSON THAT I HEARD SOME PROFESSOR SAY ONCE IS THAT BASICALLY POETRY WAS INVENTED SO THAT MEN COULD TRY AND HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE, USUALLY WOMEN. AS LONG AS WE'RE DISCUSSING WOMEN, I HOPE THAT THE WOMEN WHO LIKE TO BEOCOEM OFFENDED BY THIS PAPER, I HOPE YOU ARE OFFENDED BY EVERY FUCKING PAGE DICKS DICKS DICKS OBJECTIFICATION HAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE DUMB Thai Curry sauce pizza I don't want to eat ya. You are like spicy chalk With poop on top.
HE GOT MUGGED FOR A REASON
B= AT == T == A D IL (. Y.
TH IS CIR CE LP TIME IN E OL E
Hedgehog's Dilemma: Prickly pine needles stick you, Stick me, stick us both. I look cool; you come closer. Please do not touch my moustache.
HY HIS BONER ALLEDG EDLY WORSE THAN HIS
RAT TAIL TIMOT
BEAL HAS A PROMISING FUTURE
DOHXF SUP, GRRRRRL SPANKY TETHERTON TALL BAG OF DICKS
I see you at school Like a lot You're always at the library And you're super hot You got short hair and it's sexy You're super tall Please have sex with me I smoke my cigarettes In conspicuous view Just hoping to catch A glimpse of you Your name is _______ And you're in a class with my co-worker and I made her friend you on Facebook so that I could see if you have a boyfriend or not and you do which is lame but that's okay because he's probably not as attractive as me and he probably doesn't dress as well as me and he probably has bad breath and he probably isn't able to sex you as well as I'm able to sex you because you know I can sex you You're sexy and you drink coffee and so do I and you go to school at my school which means we have a lot in common with me You should dump your boyfriend and date me Because that's what is really meant to be period the end.
If ND I h the w T SO RE ER A eaer ind ME S AL P HE A with am doth AD, SM HI RE Ke dyer er, d I dit blo ALL L CO ep , do oth he w, PER LL Ke r SO IN m t N S My ep m e in h th here lov e in you ere My Fly de e is you r tir I lo swa ath, i the c r in ed b Ke ve t tter s th ast o trepi ones A eps he g s , ca e life f sp d pa , you It light me o roun terw of w oons st, y ng ou lad Lik stays , wh n th d iw ayu ater ng y e a me at l e w alk ling s lad W ho lda lik ight alk d o ou y Ho b n, t o e , y o An ly C lew who a mo what f cos just f th Tr d h assi and sha or t ligh mos bec e m Th ust o is ga dy, h were gs m o th twh ligh ause outh it k of Oh e pa f the ynes oly blo y ba e oce atlig t, eep kin My dea ntry lon s of kero wn l lls an o ht. s m gs fd nu th, ! Ye ely, old, uack ike G Sto e isc rm ts o why s th the his , ju in on Be ed f th m e p win lau st c sbe ten lov ed no e sa ust antr try dy c opy rg w t, s w mo nd yo y o , th ai in o ho re , th u c f h e c ns o g G uld can tha e b apu ear and f c ins lik 't w n th eac tur ts i id, and ber e an e c hes e m s wi the y a g n de ra y t UP THER r a zed of N nut heri cand d tr E IS A W rou w or s o ng le, ust OMAN. O MUFFIN. nd ond man f th in t th VER HER SOME W . E IS A M eri dy e ea he e ca OMEN H UFFIN. T ng ., AFFILIAT rth hal ntr AVE MU HERE IS ED WITH lo y ey FFIN TOP , A ATOP fd es CENTER S LIKE T TO THE S WITH of eat HIS, ESP RESOUR lov ECIALLY h CES FOR THOSE ing WOMEN be ON THIS lov CAMPUS ed s, UNION WEEKLY
A KE POEM EP RE IS R AD IG IN HT TH G JU E U S
THE WORLD ENDS IN TWO YARS
CUNTURE TIKE MAYLOR BALL TOSSER
PARTY FOULS AND A PARTY FOWL Illustration
OF THE VELVET UNDIE GROUND
"Boo that man!" Yeah, everyone saw that dickhead spill his beer. What a douche! That may be number one on the list of the worst party fouls, or it may not be. Here is the list in no particular order that makes any sort of sense if you're not me, one whiskey sour, 5 Amstel Lights and a shot of Knob Creek whiskey that you took for no reasonable reason. Don't do any of this shit that you read here, there is no reason for that assholeish behavior. You know who sucks at parties? Sober people. Unless they're being designated drivers and giving me a ride home tonight, they fucking suck. Hey, I like to mingle and look cool, but I don't fucking drink when everyone at the fucking party is fucking drinking. It's not just that, but they have to preach and talk about a bunch of bullshit. "I prefer to stay sober," they say. "Don't drink and drive, that's not responsible." "I have work in the morning." "You should be careful, you party too hard." All that translates to: "I'm a preachy sober douche." Some assholes puke on toothbrushes. Way uncouth, man. People brush their teeth with those things, you know? Some dudes start making all these crazy claims, trying to look cool. "I've had way more sex than you," this guy says. Cool story, Bro Montana. Let us all bow to you about while you revel us with your amazing sexual conquests. "I'd
fuck puke," you say. Fucking ewww, dude. Don't be a big douchebag and grope people. Rubbing your stubble on another man's stubble is not cool, making it a major party foul. If you have a full beard, whatever you do is pretty badass. When your drunk ass goes to puke, settle on your knees, brace yourself, lean over, and project. Don't pull at the toilet seat with excessive force. I hate when people pull the toilet seat off, it makes the bathroom look like a war-torn country. I also hate when I wait for the bathroom for a long time, and then some jabroni walks out fanning at his ass, while the bathroom smells like ass. You're going to drop a deuce at a party with a bunch of people? At least go to the other bathroom that nobody else knows about.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Now a break from the article for the REAL party fowl. Tee hee.)
"Hey girl, what's up with it?" You're cunning and smooth, and this prude girl rolls her eyes and walks away. Bitch, please. This prissy broad wants to play hard to get. Newsflash: My drunkenness has a limited window of time. You will look unattractive in either three hours or once I pass out, which could be very soon. Don't blow your chance. Now, go hang out with that sober guy and be lame together. Also, Beef makes stupid puns. I ask him about ideas on "party fouls." This guy says, "those birds are partying, we should cut him off. Hahahahhwahrrrhhwharhrhhh!!!" That's the dumbest shit I ever heard. (EDITOR'S NOTE: The biggest party foul is when NOONE brings pie to the partay and then EVERYONE freaks out when I allayejlady do a murder. Dumbabies.)
THE LOOK OF YOUR BONER MIGHT BE GOING IN A WHOLE NEW ERECTION GORLANDO BITTLEBURG FUTURE AA MEMBER
THE PENIS FACE ever heard. The only problem is that our bodies aren't made that way. If I were god I would totally make it that way. That's why I'm proposing that I become God, or that everyone get tattoos of their faces on the penises . If more guys do it then it will become like a trend or something and then eventually become the norm. Girls can get in on this too! If they get tattoos of their faces on their vaginas too then it would all be awesome. Girls should get theirs sideways so that it fits with the shape of the vagina. Sex would be like making out, except that the girls face completely envelops my face. I think I had a dream like that once and I enjoyed it a lot because it felt like someone was pulling my brain out, which I think it's how a penis feels during sex. I'm not saying that the vagina is a giant vacuum, I'm sure it's like that for some girls
What if your penis didn't look like a penis? Like it looked like something completely different, like your face. That would be so fucking awesome. Everything would make so much sense. I would laugh so hard every time I touched myself because it would look like I was making my penis talk and when I came it would look like I was throwing up. Awesome right? It could have hair like me, eyes, and nose. It would totally be better for girls, too. Every movie about high school sex or first time stuff always starts the same with the girl looking at the guys penis and say, "is that it?" all grossed out. But if a penis looked like a guys face then the girl would have to like it. She likes my face right? That's why she's having sex with me. It would be cool. Plus a blow job would be like giving my face a big kiss that enveloped my whole face. Best thing I've UNION WEEKLY 6 DECEMBER 2010
but I've never experienced that. I'm sure women would get mad if I said the vagina was like a black hole in space. Oral sex is like making out! That's the best part. I feel like people don't like that aspect too much, but it's fun. This could change the way people have sex forever. I'm a genius. I'm going to be like that guy that invented the toaster or the microwave. I'm sure they get lots of sex. I think I'm going to get my face, but with fangs cause it would look like I'm eating my way into their womb like an earthworm or those monster things from tremors. Fuck it. I'm getting a sharpie and drawing myself on my penis now. Wish me luck in the dating world. (EDITOR'S NOTE: I like to imagine my handsome-faced penis with arms. That way he can tickle the inside of vaginas and then give me a thumbs up.)
COMIXTREME SPOILER ALERT! ACROSS 1- Like Melrose Place, the first one 6- Primordial god of sexual love 10- You smoke shit from a ____. 14- "Fuck you Mom and Dad! We gonna ____ in Vegas!" 15- That thing I like but hurts you 16- Internet says "a biblical land" 17- I dunno, the answer is Aegis 18- Arch type 19- Roach ____. 20- Babiezzz 22- 1 pennies 23- ___ v. Wade, fuck that 24- Type of soup 26- Disputed fruit/vegatable 30- Fuck the pain away! 32- Word used by douchbags 33- Stupidest thing you can be 35- Tens piece 39- recycle [condoms] 41- Pussy 42- Diarhea sound; ___ ball 43- Best kind of shit 44- Another Shakespeare word 46- ___ Ranger and Tanto: Racist 47- Ryhmes with titty 49- People _____ in the streets after Four Lokos were banned 51- How much a gram costs 54- ___ sum 55- Ed ____s 56- Necrophiliac Heaven 63- Do some e here, sex will never be as good again 64- Kinda sounds like Olay 65- Like "insure "but no "s" 66- Put your head in the ___ to kill yourself 67- Sciencey weight 68- ___ master, not ass 69- ___ in Show was an okay movie 70- More than one ones 71- "Its not lupus." DOWN 1- Don't have sex with these people ;) 2- Nautical term 3- Rhyms with clogs, the worst shoes 4- Dude her tits were___! 5- When i grow up i'll eat ____ first!
Crossword made by me. You guys are welcome, enjoy this fun. I hate words
6- I felt the foundations of my sanity erode 7- Music by [dot] indians 8- "her legs are ___ for busines!" 9- Seat 10- is this a type of cigar? 11- a series of essays by Samuel Johnson and his contemporaries. 12- Its impolite to ____ 13- My soul is ____ 21- duel at high ____ 25- Split ends is a shitty band 26- Retards but no "re" and no "d" 27- I really like oreos, but they make me feel fat 28- Some kind of hammer? what the fuck, my first thought was like a vicious attack 29- Kevin O'Brien is a real ____ master 30- Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky ____ 31- Adopt some animals or they will die 34- Dude! You totally ____ me bro!! Gimma that Smirnoff 36- Fake ass fakers court 37- Bishop of Hereford. Fuck
crosswords 38- ___ this mortal coil 40- We don't have to copy___ this week! 45- This is only good with two ladies, not two dudes 48- She is a sexual ____ 50- Like elves but bad...I think? i dunno anymore 51- Thing a cock does 52- This isn't my real hair, its a weave 53- Santa's slaves 54- Ladies wear these 57- I swear these words are fucking made up 58- Oh my god I know this! 59- Wait, no, no clues. you know this one 60- Don't gimme that look, dude you are such an ass sometimes 61- No, no don't hold me back, fuck you. No fuck YOU asshole! you wanna go? You think you got a problem? Wanna take a shot big man? 62- Dude someone killed Brad Blurrberry.
ARGUMENTATIVE ANT IMAGINING EDITOR
LUDICROUS DISPLAY CONCEPT ART THIS SHIT SOMEHOW BECAME THIS COMIC
BASED ON TRUE SHIT EVENTS
SHOTS-A -VODKA SHOTS-
LISA NOLDS-MOBEAL UNION STAFFWE
6 DECEMBEER 2010
Post your guess of WhoGrunIt on the terrible new Grunion Facebook page and win a horrible prize!!!
WhoGrunIt? Monday, December 6th, 2010
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Volume 67 Issue 14
Grunion MURDER SCANDAL BRAD BLUEBERRY FOUND DEAD AS HELL AFTER LAME ASS UNION PARTY
n a shocking event that has gripped the Grunion basement and put unimaginable fear into the blackened hearts of its many contributors: Brad Blueberry has been murdered. After the drunken Union Night, the many made-up people in attendance woke up to find themselves covered in blood, blueberry juice, and human shit (not related). We called the smartest detectives in town to get to the bottom of the case, but then they started asking some questions like "when will you pay us" and "hey I don't want to judge but do you think it's a good idea to be inhaling the dust out of that fluorescent light bulb?" They really started cramping our style, so now we ask you, our loyal idiot readers, to get to the bottom of this mystery, and decide once and for all: WhoGrunIt?? Here's the info that the detectives compiled so far: the murderer was definitely one of the editors for the Union Weekly, and Brad Blueberry is seriously, really fucking dead. Also, Brad B. died while holding a stuffed lion and a map of Western Europe, but those aren't relevant. Ignore those things. We miss that blue asshole very dearly here at the Grunion, so we hope that you can discover his murderer's identity. If
you do, you will get a hugeass prize that you will love, I promise. Check out the newly created Grunion facebook page and type out some terrible words with your unthinkable fingers if you think you know who grun it. I'm sure there's a clue in this mess of a paper somewhere. Get to the bottom of it dumbshoes! Just look on each page for clues, one of the page editors is the perp, of that we are sure. Thank you in advance. As a tribute to Brad Blueberry's memory and lifeless bloody corpse, we here at the Grunion would like to give our accounts of the last moments of his life as we remember it.
BY JEFF BRIDGES, EULOGIZER Alright here's the deal, everyone was drinking and we were having a ton of a fun time. I was probably having the most fun and probably drinking the most too, but that is irrelevant unless you are not familiar with the fact that I'm better than you. Okay my view was blocked by breasts and such, but I saw Brad Blueberry go hard onto the floor after getting killed. I was all "I don't care," and then I contin-
ued partying. I hope this helps. May the dork rest in peace. Now if you will excuse me, I am currently crafting the perfect joke. What's it about, you ask? Well, I guess I can stick around for a second to tell you about it. Since you asked so nice. I'm crafting the perfect joke in which I make a joke using the words "vas deferens" (the male sexual tube) and "vast difference." You see, the words are rather similar so I think a joke could work very well and be humorous but your ass is tripping me up and making me waste all this time. Anyway, that's all I have to say. A fitting eulogy for a shitting man.
BY TEEJAY DINKLE Hi everyone. Hey what the heck does that say up there? I'm the best partier and I definitely had the most fun and drinks by far at the party. Don't think so? I'll kill you, for real bro. Anyway, Brad Blueberry died. I was partying at the time, natch, and then all of a sudden someone was like "bro, you've been high-fiving Brad Blueberry's lifeless corpse for about two
A shocking scene from the scandalous murder of Brad Blueberry. Also, a rare look into the Grunion basement's cool floors. Check out those tiles, that's years of comedy and bodily fluids.
hours. Now it's a party," and then the guy didn't stop saying "woo" for the rest of the night. I'd like to dedicate my awesome party experience to Mr. Brubury himself. Whatever his name was. I don't have time for this shit. Life's a party ya'll and I'm going to go chase this intense urge I have to high-five a man who has been murdered for over two hours. Do you think they call the character Urkel because he IRKs people?
Probably. Give me some money. For discovering this. Very touching reports fellas. Thanks for nothing. Now YOU! Get out there and get investigating! The identity of the killer is somewhere within these horribly written and lazily laid-out pages. Post your findings on the new Grunion facebook before I get mad at your ass!!!! Good luck, bumshoes.
BLUEBERRY MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN! GRISLY MURDER INVOL VING MOISTURE WICKING SHIRT Just when you thought it was safe to be alive, the Blueberry Murderer has stricken again! A local dumbass that no one really cares about was killed the other night, his lower body and head were completely unharmed, however his torso had been transformed into a skeleton, killing him super hard. It's up to you to get to the butt of this murder too! Just kidding, it was super easy to figure out and I did it already. Here's how the murder went down: the murderer forced the local man to put on a moisture wicking shirt. Now, this might seem like just a harmless fashion suggestion, but there was murder afoot! Except his foot was okay, his torso wasn't so lucky. The local man wore the deadly shirt all day, and when he finally took it off at night, he was mostly a skeleton. His whole body had been wicked away and then he promptly died. Everyone there got super scared because a skeleton is inside us all and that is what we all will ultimately become. At first, our top Grunion detectives thought this might be some kind of magical wickshirt, but apparently it was a run-of-the-mill, normal shirt that you can buy at any sporting goods store. Or fashion store or wherever the hell you dopes shop I don't have time to hear your fucking life story. I got a page to make. Turns out any moisture wicking shirt will wick the life right out of you no problem. No one is safe. There is no innocence, no justice, your life is but a ripple in a stream, over before anyone had time to care you were alive. Have a fun winter break! page B2
ARTIST'S DRAMATIZATION. DO NOT BE ALARMED!!!