ISSUE 67.13 KEVIN O’BRIEN Editor-in-Chief
CHELSEA STEVENS Opinions Editor
KATY PARKER Literature Editor
MARCO BELTRAN Entertainment Editor
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MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN firstname.lastname@example.org Music Editor
Comics Editor Culture Editor
Actor, Grunion Editor
Assistant Art Director
Head Illustrator Photo Editor/Cover
ANDY KNEIS Web Editor
MIKE PALLOTTA, PARKER CHALMERS, MATTHEW TOWLES, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, COLLEEN BROWN, FOLASHADE ALFORD, DEVIN O’NEIL, STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ, KEENAN MACINNES, SOPHI MAISE, STEPHANIE PEREZ, JEFF BAER, DEREK KOSKO, COREY LEIS, LANDON DAVAULT, STEVE BESSETTE, MARY FUHRMAN, DEBORAH ROWE, ALLISON O’DELL, JACKIE ROSAS, PATRICK MCNALLY, ADRIENNE SHULTZ, ALISON ERNST, LISA VAN WIJK, JANTZEN PEAKE, RICHARD LEVINSON, NICOLE STREET, JESSICA MEISELS, KELSEY WEHSELS, MAE RAMIREZ, JACKIE ROSAS, TANNER PARKER, KEVIN JORGECRUZ, CHRIS PAGE, MICHAEL IACOUCCI, JILLIAN WOLF, DANIEL PEREZ, VINCENT CHAVEZ, MONICA HOLMES, BRANDON STUHL, CHRISTINA MOTT, KIELY CROW, JILLIAN THOMAN, SHANE RUSING, KEVIN NICHOLSON, CHELSEA HOBBY, SARA HATAKEYAMA, KATIE BROWN
KEVIN-SENT A LETTER LIKE NOTHING ELSE KEVIN O’BRIEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
t the Union Weekly, we hold ourselves to two ideals: freedom of speech for CSULB students and the propagation of that speech throughout campus. We use these ideals as guidelines in the hope that they will lead to a newspaper pertinent to the students. At times, these ideals have lead us to trouble. Judging from the reaction to our “How To Get Laid” issue, you would have thought we printed a cartoon of Muhammad having sex while eating a ham and cheese sandwich on Ramadan (see page 6). The girls and boys who petitioned to remove me as Editor-in-Chief as a result of the article still find the time to mention me in the Daily 49er and have created a rival group called JAGed. It stands for “Justice and Gender Education,” but my mind always drifts to the TV show JAG. JAG was about justice too, and it had a strong female lead named Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, played by actress Catherine Bell. You can also see Miss Bell totally nude and totally objectified in something called Hot Line: The Brunch Club, or so IMDB tells me. Anyways, I want to take this moment to thank the members of JAGed for giving me some great material to spin in all my personal state-
ments to grad school. Our trust in the First Amendment hasn’t only led to anger and spittle; we have recieved positive feedback and we have our supporters. Our issue for National Coming Out Week, which encouraged and allowed the brave and willing to share their coming out stories with the student body, recieved numerous submissions which were applauded by our readers. Our following issue highlighted the Adult Community Transition program, a special education organization on campus that helps students transition to life after high school. Apparently, the organization’s profile was raised, they received some muchdeserved attention, and in thanks, the students wrote us some very heartfelt letters, which we appreciated. Whatever the reaction to the Union Weekly, I’m content just knowing that we have generated discussion between students, faculty, and staff on campus. If that discussion is Senator Gracia passing an ASI resolution, whatever that is, then I count my job done. That’s not to say that we intentionally spark debate, but it is a happy side effect of the cultural medicine that is the freedom of speech. Just know that next semester we will continue to print your opinions, regardless of resolutions,
regardless of petitions, and regardless of the attacks on our characters by the short-tempered and closed-minded. I would encourage you, whoever you are, to join us next semester and make your voice heard. I can’t tell you how the rest of the students are going to react, but I can assure you that we’ve got your back. I want to take a moment to express some sentiment, first to my staff. Each week they do a spectacular job, and each week I pay them nothing, and that, I find totally amazing. I would also like to thank my managing editors Andy Kneis and Clay Cooper, who, even though I pay them, do more than I ask and always more than I expect. That might be a sad critique of my standards but I hope not. I would also like to thank our advisor at ASI, Sylvana Cicero, who has stood by us through the thick and the thin of this semester, always providing constructive criticism and support. Next week is the spoof issue and we’re going to need you to be supportive and understanding again. Please don’t worry, we’ll write. Ask Away!
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DOODLE AND KABOODLE
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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LEAVE YOUR PACIFIERS AT HOME COLLEGE WOULD BE MORE FUN IF IT WASN’T FILLED WITH BABIES STEVE BESSETTE
once read a talk the great Kurt Vonnegut gave about dramatics. We grew up hearing stories like Cinderella and Jack and the Beanstalk with this idea that life would be more interesting, exciting, full of heartbreaking lows, and amazing highs. In actuality, our lives are typically quite flat and uninteresting compared to our preconceived notions. That’s why we crave stupid, irritating, dramatic bullshit in our lives to create that story-like narrative. Vonnegut is a literary genius, but this doesn’t justify being a whiney idiot. I don’t want to sound elitist or like I’m grossly mature, but I really had enough teen-angst and irritating inside jokes in high school. Instead of going to grade 13 at a local community college, I left town and was ready to move on to a new form of adulthood with other kids who I thought were ready too. Actually, most of the freshmen here are indeed in grade 13. All the petty baggage they hated in high school was bundled up in the suitcases and snacks they dumped into their dorm this August. At SOAR, I found mediocrity and immaturity. I thought, “all freshmen can’t be this bad.” During my first semester here I realized that no, they weren’t all bad— but most were. They’re all banging each other, stabbing their chums/lady loves in the back, and creating teams of boys versus girls. Don’t make fun of MTV reality shows if you’re all going to be douchey and fickle with each other like a pack of ultra late-blooming, first-time PMSing high school sophomore girls. Yeah, dudes, I’m talking about you too.
CHELSEA STEVENS OPINIONS EDITOR
Hey, I’m pretty emotionally fucked up too. The high school-college leap is taxing and strange. Confusion is bound to bear down on our sorry faces, but that doesn’t mean changing your Facebook relationship status as a declaration of war between “friends” is okay. It seriously looks like you haven’t learned anything from high school. This is supposed to be the time of your life and you’re ruining the beginning by creating useless little battles between dorm rooms and dining halls. You guys can do so much better—really! College is supposed bridge between leaving youth behind and taking on adulthood, but what you’re doing now is too youthful. Think about being more adultlike with your shitty relationships. After it crumbles, you could be really apathetic and complete assholes towards one another, or maybe work things out civilly. Just please don’t be snide or catty. Don’t pull people onto different teams. I hate hearing people ask if it’s “okay to go into” someone’s room because of stupid shit that’s going around. That’s pathetic. Do yourself a favor and grow up.
AMERICA THE IGNORANT SPACIOUS MINDS GIVE US AMBER WAVES OF PAIN ALAN BLAUVELT CONTRIBUTOR
Hey, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary? Oh wait, it is. So is the word “ignorant.” It seems that these days people are willing to believe everything they hear, and I’m here to bitch about it. To be ignorant, according to the handy little website Dictionary.com, one must be “lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact.” Let’s go first to a popular urban legend: “Ever hear about Mr. Rogers’ days as a Marine sniper? Of course you have! You know, how he had to wear long sleeves to cover his tattoos, and had around 150 confirmed kills?!?” Well, if you believe this
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shit then you better do some research. Just a quick trip over to our beloved Wikipedia will give us the facts we crave, and the information inside destroys our dreams of Mr. Rogers’ bloody, tattooed sniping career. Mr. Rogers spent the entirety of the Vietnam war doing work in television in both Canada and the U.S. He was also born in 1928, which would make him in his late 30’s to early 40’s during the war, making him too old to fight. For a more contemporary take on the matter, let’s take a look at politics. The political climate in our country has turned from George W. Bush-bashing to an all-out shitfest. With
the 2008 election came the change, and I’m not talking about the type Obama wanted. It seems as if being ignorant is the current cool thing to do, and our country is getting dumber by the day. I’m sure we’ve all heard of how President Obama is a Hitler-like Muslim that was born in Kenya, but where people get these ideas is beyond me. First of all, after doing some research through Google, we can find actual newspaper clippings from Hawaii announcing Obama’s birth, and the president has also released his birth certificate. This has caused quite the change in opinion in and of the Republican party, and many of the “Birthers” who still claim that
he is an illegal alien are becoming a running joke. Also, Muslims don’t see Obama as Muslim and Jews don’t see any resemblance to Hitler. That being said, facts make all the difference. Don’t be an ignorant asshole spouting off facts about a subject without first looking up the sources, and if you hear something you think sounds askew, ask questions and do the research. Our country is becoming too lazy and apathetic to combat the new wave of stupidity that is spreading across America, and if we don’t make an effective stance against it, our country will go down the educational shitter.
JOE RULEZ! TO LIVE BY
ROCK, PAPER, AND SCISSORING COLLEGE CENSORSHIP RUFFLES UP A STORM COREY LEIS UNION STAFFER
JOE HAUSER UNION STAFFER
Hey, y’all, so this is the first column I’m writing after being recently dubbed a “Union Staffer,” whew; so, I’m taking the opportunity to waste this space to write to all of you about how and why Joe Rulez. The idea originated when I was working the door at my local Chuck E. Cheese’s in high school, stamping hands and rejecting every minor not accompanied by an adult. To keep myself busy I started doodling and figuring out cool lettering for Joe Rulez. Over the past few years, it became my motto. I have had stickers made (one sneakily placed on the rear fender of my old roommate’s car), I cover my notes with different ways to draw it, and I even tried using it as a Steve Holt-esque exclamation—Joe Rulez! Lately, I’ve started to question the credibility of Joe Rulez. It is a deep existential reflection deconstructing my day-to-day and really getting at the core of my being since I’ve really adapted my entire identity around it. First off, it’s probably because of my huge arrogance. Yeah, it’s huge (it’s got to keep up with my 6’8” figure, after all). But that only drives me further. What gives me the right to be so arrogant? It’s the fact that I adhere to a system of beliefs and principles that has put me where I am today. I am weeks away from graduating and poised to spring into a variety of fields of my choosing come January and not dead in a ditch like my parents once feared. These principles, in the weeks to come, will be explained here as “Joe Rulez.” Given the brevity of the remaining semester, I’m constrained to only listing a few rulez and the first and most important is — get yer shit done. Because why else are you here? To be a stagnant party-all-day, fuck-all-night douche? It works for freshman year but, man, you got to graduate that shit. You have class/work/extra curriculars, don’t take that lightly. Wake up early and accomplish, progress things, move yourself forward. Now, don’t think my life has been one hundred percent work work work. It hasn’t. I still know how to party and you should too! Life needs its balance. You can still play hard but it must be lesser or equal than the amount of work that gets accomplished. If you party too much, the parties become stale and lame. Think of the work as giving you content and substance to your parties making them rich and worthwhile. Plus, you look cooler when you have some triumph to brag about. Just this semester, the Sunday before a paper was due I completely ignored writing it to watch HBO’s lineup. But I woke up at 6am the next morning, farted out a four-page paper on 18th century poetry, turned it in three hours later and got a B on it. That’s what I’m talking about. Being able to set yourself up in a position where you can fuck around and have a good time, but when you need to, no matter how late you are in the game, you can still get yer shit done and come out on top.
What does censorship mean to you? To what lengths would you go if you felt you were being unjustly censored? Censorship, as defined by Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, is “the process of excluding from consciousness those ideas and feelings that would be intolerable in other than symbolic form.” Recently, a group of Theatre Arts students has organized to protest a decision made by someone—or some people—within some vein of CSULB’s bureaucracy not to include the title of a Cal Rep play (Night of the Tribades) on the 7th Street marquee, apparently because of the “questionable” connotation of “tribade,” an antiquated term for lesbian. Tribadism, in its modern, more familiar sense, is “scissoring.” The argument is that because tribade is not a commonly-used term in our twenty-first century lexicon, people are apt to Google the word on their smart phones as they’re driving past the 7th Street marquee. Naturally, the first site that comes up is Wikipedia’s page for “tribadism.” The photo is a cartoon-y computer-generated image of two women tribbing. Go ahead, look it up for yourself. The group of protesters feels the Theatre Arts department is being unjustly censored for the decision not to include the title of the play on the marquee. Some may argue this is not really censorship. Others may argue
that the protests were ill conceived and hastily acted out. While others still may argue this censorship is founded out of a deeply-rooted homophobia. Whatever the case may be, this situation is a bit asinine. When a word is taken out of context and Google’d, one can find all sorts of unexpected links and photos. Google Image search “men” or “women,” words that flash across that marquee every few seconds. See what you’ll find. When Night of the Tribades is Google’d, one can find a slew of information regarding the play by Per Olov Enquist about the playwright August Strindberg’s misogynistic view of women. Our Theatre Arts department chair, upon receiving news of the decision not to include the play’s title on the marquee, held a “teach-in,” wherein she and others spoke about this issue. Excellent and moving points were made. How are graphic images of aborted fetuses allowed to be shown on campus, when a word not many people understand cannot? How can radical “Christians” bear inflammatory signs claiming God hates women, Jews, homosexuals, et cetera? Granted, these graphic images and ignorant signs are displayed within the confines of the campus. But how can words like “genocide” and “lynch” be permitted to display outside of the campus walls on the marquee? Wikipedia those words, then compare the images to the cartoon
of the tribbing women. The faculty urged the students not to take this issue to the press—to keep it a departmental battle. In fact, that was the only thing they did urge. The majority of the students present at the teach-in left confused. It was as if we’d spent an hour having passionate sex with no orgasm for anyone. We took it upon ourselves, however, and we organized. We decided the first appropriate course of action was to spread awareness on campus. The silent protests that took place around lunch time on Wednesday, 17 November, and Thursday, 18 November, were a success in that we stirred a discussion. The most important thing, regardless of how one feels about the issue, is that a conversation started. Whether or not the protests and the efforts of the group behind them prompt the powers that be to include Night of the Tribades on the marquee is insignificant. What’s really at stake here? What are we willing to accept as a society? I think the real issue is education and human responsibility. Context can mean everything. As Alex Billings, a member of our Theatre Arts faculty, avowed, a person’s entire life can be encapsulated in one little word. To find out more information or to offer your opinion—peacefully—on the matter (whatever it may be) go to http://tribadelove.blogspot.com/ or shoot off an email to tribadelove@ gmail.com.
A NEW GAYPROACH TAKING MY OWN ADVICE PARKER CHALMERS CONTRIBUTOR
First things first, I started writing for Union Weekly because I wanted to be one of the cool kids. Seeing the lack of homosexuality on the staff, I thought it would be a grand idea for me to try and be the cool gay guy on staff. Give advice to those not as cool as us. Those struggling with love, life, and the pursuit of something like happiness. Turns out I’m struggling more than any of you loyal readers. I have no right to give you advice. I don’t even take my own. Truth of the matter is, I am self-absorbed, lazy, and am kind of a douche bag when it comes to relationships. Many of my flaws have been pointed out to me, ever so smugly, by my friends and family. I look in the
wrong places. I put on a front. I come on aggressive and I wanna wife up after two weeks. All of this eventually leads to someone getting hurt. That someone is never me. I have perfected the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech to the point where I can do it without words. Keeping my heart at bay has worked out great for me the past few years. Now, I’m over it. It’s almost a new year and with the impending midnight kiss approaching, I am going to do it differently. I am on a mission. I am going to try to date for the sake of dating. I am going to be set-up. I am going to meet someone offline. No more bars. Instead, coffee shops, libraries, maybe even the
cute guy on the metro… I am not expecting this to be like the movies or a Katy Perry song. (Teenage Dreams don’t come true). I am expecting this to be challenging, enlightening, and hopefully entertaining for all of you. Time to hang up my bad habits, insecurities, and standards. If love is a battlefield, I am enlisting. Let’s hope the war ends well for our side. First date: After meeting a friend of a friend I asked if he would like to partake in my dating experiment. He promptly informed me he was not over his ex. This week I will see what it is like to go on a date who is not yet over their previous relationship. Wish me luck. UNION WEEKLY
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STATE OF THE BEACH
YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF
STEVE BESSETTE UNION STAFFER
ired, weary students! Lend me your ears. If recently you’ve been hoping for a break from any scholastic troubles, I’m sorry, but things are getting worse. Nothing makes the rigorous work of college that much more satisfying than the government laying into our chests with another fee increase, right? Yep, a 5% increase for the Spring 2011 semester, and a whole 10% for the 2011-2012 school year. For those who are covered by financial aid, this may not have a harsh effect. When I asked Erik Fallis, CSU Media Relations Specialist, if financial aid grants would adjust to accommodate the increase, his answer made me uncomfortable. “Most likely,” he said. Not all of my tuition and housing is covered by financial aid, and I know I’m not the only one who has part of the semester covered and the other left wide open for a hopeful miracle. For us, personal financing could get tougher. Supposedly, Cal Grants, in the past, have had a reputation for adjusting, but that supposedly
doesn’t ease my thoughts on how many jobs I’m going to have find next semester to pay for schooling. For those scrounging, hardworking students who have to support themselves through school or don’t receive financial aid, this is another “oh, fuck” moment. These are the students who are getting screwed the most, again. It’s hard enough finding ways to pay your own way through college; having a fee increase is basically an invisible hand sneaking cash out of your last paycheck. Yes, CSU’s are relatively cheaper compared to other colleges with similar resources. Yes, CSU’s are the largest recipients of Federal Pell Grants. The thing is, that doesn’t help. It’s really great knowing how going to a Cal State isn’t the most expensive path of higher education, but that still doesn’t always put the necessary cash in the proper hands. That’s like a doctor telling a kid, “Be thankful you only got stitches. You could have punctured a hole in your head.” Yeah, I’m thankful for not denting my head, but
that doesn’t take the hurt away. This newest increase is due to a problem with matching funds between the state and the CSU system. Between the Governor’s terrible budget from this January and the stimulus money from a few years back drying up, the state legislature couldn’t provide CSUs with the necessary capitol for their growing needs. Needs being because of an increase of roughly 25,000 students and more recently a couple thousand more class offerings. The silver lining here is that if the legislature can come up with the money and cover the deficit, the fee increase will go away. As for now, expect an addition to your spring bills of $105 for undergrads, $234 for credential students, and grad students should expect $252. For next year, it will be roughly the same each semester, except undergrads will be paying $222 instead of $105. Let’s hope, for the sake of our economic well-being, those legislators will rescind this fee increase and plan better for the future.
WEEKEND SERIAL KILLERS LONG BEACH SWEEPS MIZUNO TURKEY-DAY TOURNAMENT NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR
Thanksgiving is over, but the women’s volleyball team isn’t suffering from any lingering affects of tryptophan poisoning. The 49ers hosted three different teams over the weekend for the Mizuno Thanksgiving Tournament. Notre Dame, Seattle University and Akron were competing in the last few games of the year for the 49ers, but they were hardly any competition for the volleyball team. The 49ers started the weekend off strong with a 3-0 finish of Notre Dame on Friday night. Notre Dame could only come close to closing out the first set, but the 49ers handled the Fighting Irish without too much more of a fight. Akron was the next victim for the team, putting away the Ohio natives in a quick three sets on Saturday morning. While there was a noticeable lack of blocks on either side, and errors abound, the 49ers still were precise with their kills. The Saturday afternoon match against Seattle had the 49ers in much better form. They thoroughly obliterated Seattle University in three sets, UNION WEEKLY
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CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR
25-11, 25-12, 25-22. Ratcheting up 12 blocks, with the most assists by Haleigh Hampton (8), the 49ers kept their perfect 3-0 streak alive for the weekend Mizuno tournament. And like the Highlanders they are, the 49ers grew more powerful after every set they put away in all three of the games. This trend was prevalent throughout the year, with 16 of the 49ers games being won in three sets. Most of the opposing teams put up a valient fight in the first set, but they wore down over the constant onslaught from Caitlin Ledoux (1), Janisa Johnson (10) and Delainey Aigner-Swesey (16). The women’s volleyball team finished 25-7 on the year, but they end their season with remarkable perfection after soundly crushing Notre Dame, Akron, and Seattle University. It has been a distinct pleasure watching these young, talented and athletic students play a game I knew absolutely nothing about (but learn I did), even during the first game I had to cover. Good luck on your finals, ladies, at least you have your Saturdays free to study now.
NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR
Hey turkeys! I hope ya’ll had a good turkeydrug induced coma-nap, culminating in a big poop. I know I did! We only have a couple of weeks left in the semester, and shit is still going on, look at that!
Monday, November 29th, starts the BFA fiber, metals and wood and photographry group show at the Gatov Galleries between FA2 and FA3. Got any questions? I don’t have answers, but call (562) 985-4376 if you need more info! Tuesday, November 30th, California Repertory Company presents Night of the Tribades, which is a play that got fucked on advertising because apparently lesbians aren’t allowed to have sex. call (562) 985-7000 for more info! On Thursday, December 2nd, the Men’s Basketball team plays against BYU of Hawaii, but the time is still to-be-determined, which isn’t surprising, because if anyone knows anything about Mormons, it’s that they are lazy, shiftless and not punctual. On Friday, December 3rd, the Political Science department will be holding Moot Court, which is just college talk for Mock Trial. Call (562) 985-4708 for more info. If you’re looking for some really awesome gifts, and you want to help fund the Art department, on Sunday, December 5th, you should head over to the FA buildings for the Art Annual Holiday sale. As usual, if you got any dumb questions, call (562) 985-4376. Also as one last holiday reminder, Brett Watanabe, Community Service Commissioner and RoseAnn Knight, Special Events Commissioner, will be coordinating Breakfast @ the Beach. Breakfast @ the Beach will be from December 6th (Monday) to December 8th (Wednesday). Students can trade a donation of $5 or a new toy of equal or greater value for a food voucher redeemable for a food item, courtesy of the Nugget (which will be giving a breakfast burrito), the Outpost (which will be giving a 49er muffin), and Yogo (which will be giving yogurt). There will be a pre-sale of food vouchers at the Beach Pride Center from November 29th (Monday) to December 3rd (Friday). The pre-sale will end on December 3rd at 5pm. All donations will be given to Toys for Tots.
FAT GUY AT THE REC CENTER MIKE PALLOTTA UNION STAFFER
When you’re in your early 20s, there’s no one around to tell you, “Hey, stop partying.” “Stop smoking cigarettes, idiot.” “Cool off on the jack and cokes, buddy.” “Don’t make so many trips to Chick-fil-A, White Grimace.” You do what you want, when you want. There’s no sign at the carnival that says you’re too tall for this ride. So at age 24, you’ve got to have a damn good reason to stop living the easy life. I was never a drinker or a smoker, but good lord, could I get down on some Chick-fil-A. I’ve got my damn good reasons to change and I’ve made them known in previous installments of “Fat Guy”—I acquire, I consume, I obey, I repeat, and I’m sick and fucking tired of it all (I’ll never give up my cursing though. I love it, you mother fucking shitty ballbags). What came after my proclamation of change was finding my rhythm—figuring out the proper conditions to keep me from quitting like I always do. Since I work mornings, go to school in the afternoon, and hang out with friends at night, all the time I have left to workout is the late night—around 10 or 11pm. Thanks to horrible sleep apnea, I’m up late most nights anyways, terrified of sleep. Basically, every night I almost die. I wake up every
LISA VAN WIJK UNION STAFFER
hour gasping for air, feeling like the auto-erotic asphyxiated ghost of David Carradine is trying to appease his pervy gods with a sacrifice. It’s near impossible for anyone to fall asleep around me while I’m passed out. They’re either kept awake by my sleep-screams, or by the horror of what lies next to them. You can even hear the apnea when I talk. It sounds like someone lined my throat with fat and shoved ham up my sinuses. What’s one of the ways to curb sleep apnea? Lose weight, so there’s another damn good reason to go to the Rec— nighttime or anytime. It’s okay. I love the calm and freedom that comes with doing anything at night. No one’s in the locker room shoving their hairy ass into my beard as I lace up on a bench. Plus, there’s no thick mist of Axe spray, evaporated sweat, and protein smoothie farts that normally sits in the locker room all the livelong day. Where I really benefit from going to the Rec Center at night, and this is another result of low attendance, are the games I get to play. Whenever I make a trip to the urinals, I play this game I call “See how far I can get from the urinal without peeing on the floor.” It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’ve yet to hit anything but the pisser and I think my record so far has been four feet away—but I know I can do
better, I feel it in my nethers. The best part is that not only is it fun but it flexes my urethra muscles and my Kegels. It’s a pelvic/genital muscle workout, ’cause when I’m at the Rec, I’m trying to work out my everything. There are steps we can all take to make these life changes easier on ourselves. The insanity of me going at night and seeing how far I can get away from the urinal without pissing on the floor keeps me sane.
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DEAD PAPERS TELL NO TALES THE VERSATILITY OF CONTEMPORARY PRINT MEDIA Intro
KEVIN O’BRIEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
s human beings we are biologically preoccupied with survival and as journalists we are professionally preoccupied with survival. People, ignorant and closed-minded people, like to say that print media is on the decline, and with it our future careers, only to be replaced by more agile mediums such as the internet, e-readers and smart phones. But I think we both know that’s bullshit. Print media is agile because it has to be. Print media is the springing gazelle, sprinting left and right for its life as it is chased by the hungry lion that is technology and modernity. In truth, this newspaper can provide for you in ways that your battery operated life support systems
NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR
can not. Let me ask you this, can your iPhone or BlackBerry warm your bumpy skull on a cold day? Can you funnel urine from your female anatomy into a urinal with your Kindle during an emergency bathroom run? Could you feed your horse with your MacBook Air as you trot onto campus? Of course not, but with this newspaper, in this feature, printed on smashed and flattened trees with permanent ink, you can do all of this and more. The instruction of this feature is so transformative that it is even applicable to lesser publications, specifically the Daily 49er. Read, fold and conquer and believe in the magic that is print media, long may it live.
UNION WEEKLY PIRATE HAT
Remove the feature spread from the newspaper. This may be difficult for you because I’m sure causing harm to a copy of the Union Weekly would otherwise be unthinkable but you’re going to have to do it and then somehow fold it in half.
Same verse, same as the second.
5 Let yourself work it, put your thing down, flip it and reverse it. Now you’ve got a pirate hat!
29 NOVEMBER 2010
Fold it. Fold it, fold it like a Polaroid picture. Wait, no don’t fold it like that. Just fold the corners in like a normal person.
4 Here’s where it gets tricky-wicky, you gotta fold the non-folded section you have up flat so that the Union logo is fully visible.
2. ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE CONCEALMENT DEVICE
3. SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT
Oh shit, it’s raining. What the fuck is going on?! Quick, grab a Union! Put it over your head! Smile.
Listen, there’s only one way to get your drink on at 9am, and the Union is the classiest, sneakiest cover-up around.
Plant your feet squarely on the ground. Strap on an adult diaper and prepare yourself for stinky, slippery nirvana. Read the Union and let your brain expand.
DAILY 49er “THE EQUALIZER” FEMALE URINE DISCHARGE APPARATUS
Pick up a Daily 49er. They’re all over the place.
Don’t open it!
Fold left corner halfway in.
Fold right corner halfway in and pinch together folded corners.
5 Insert below vagina, let loose the flood gates. Enjoy your dry ankles.
DAILY 49er ALTERNATIVES 1. TOILET SEAT COVER
Your poo through “Our View.”
2. HORSE FEEDBAG
3. READ IT
If it wasn’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. So do your horse a favor, and feed it.
Uh, I guess if there isn’t ANYTHING else you could think of, you could read it. Step one, unfold it… oh, just, nevermind. Pee on it.
29 NOVEMBER 2010
FFUCK UUCCCKK IT, ITT, T, II’I’M ’M WEARING WEAR W WE EAR EAR ARING ING NG TTH THE HHEE UUNION NIIOOONN
UNION WEEKLY ALTERNATIVES
MUSIC MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN MUSIC EDITOR
1. CAPTAIN AHAB -THE END OF IRONY
ow apt for an album declaring The End Of Irony to be so ambitious. This album has everything you could ever want, drawing from power violence, techno and Gregorian chant. Normally considered more of a comedy act, the funny thing about Captain Ahab’s latest is that they totally pull it off. That’s not to say this album is totally serious, between all of the booty bass and screaming there are plenty of moments that will make you bust up laughing and have you coming back for more. The tent pole of the album is “I Don’t Have A Dick,” a part spoken word, part banger about an omnipotent being who lacks the male organ. Sound too absurd to really work? Trust me, Ahab can pull it off and then some.
2. FLYING LOTUS - COSMOGRAMMA BBC Radio compared Flying Lotus to Jimi Hendrix, and Cosmogramma should take any doubt out of people’s minds that FlyLo deserves that acclaim. Mixing turntablism and hip-hop production with the spirit of jazz, Flying Lotus again makes a triumphant record. The album is equally enjoyable as background music, dance floor music or driving music. FlyLo makes no concessions to expectation or convention. For this sonic odyssey he brings along the sounds of chip-tune and most impressively, Thom Yorke. Though much of today’s dubstep blends together into an unrecognizable mass, Cosmogramma stands soaring above it all.
3. NO AGE - EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
Los Angeles duo No Age have been expanding their sonic palate over the course of two albums. The pay off is Everything In Between, a lean 13 tracks of dreamy punk. The strength of No Age has always been their ability to blend gauzy lead-ins and fist pumping choruses. “Glitter” is the pinnacle of this style. No Age have struck the perfect balance between sincere lyrics and brash musicianship. No Age might not always be the most poetic lyricists but between the instrumentation, the vocals and the straight- to-the-point chants, they manage to evoke something more primal and true. Everything In Between is everything a mature punk album should be: thunderous, daring and direct.
7. KYLESA -SPIRAL SHADOW Savannah has become a hot spot for the best metal bands in America, pumping out perfect stonerific shred fests. On Spiral Shadow Kylesa take this perfected sound and bring in some influence from indie legends The Pixies. The album is so dynamic, balancing whirling solos with more textured chill outs. The loud quiet loud dynamics work so well in metal and it takes an extremely respected and talented band like Kylesa to make it work. The longest song on the whole album is just a hair over five minutes, and yet each track feels epic and grandiose. The bass and drum work on this album are legendary. If you haven’t picked this one up, hop on it.
8. SLEIGH BELLS -TREATS On the strength of a four song E.P. released late last year, Sleigh Bells rode a wave of goodwill few bands have been able to capture. The result is Treats, a lean 11 tracks cashing in on the bona fide smash hits “Crown On The Ground” and “A/B Machines” but manages to add to the insanity of those hits. Sleigh Bells makes their trade in blown out, dirty drum machine booms, guitar shreds, and crystal clear, sparkling, female vocals. “Rill Rill” pushes this model to the nth degree, Treats is a watershed moment in 2010, indie crossing over into the mainstream ephemera like no other band managed. If you aren’t over the constant stream of commercial and TV use, put this album on and party like it’s 2010.
Neon Bible wasn’t quite a sophomore slump but it wasn’t quite the essential album Funeral was. Luckily, Arcade Fire proved their staying power with this album, a case study in pacing. The Suburbs has a strong emotional arc that is so wholly satisfying. “City With No Children” anchors the middle of the album with its utterly massive riff and godlike chorus. The album builds up to that song with hits like “The Suburbs” before giving the listener a break before “Sprawl II,” the albums most recognized track which is synthdriven instead of the band’s usual guitar-laden sound. “Sprawl” might not be as soaring as “City With No Children,” but it fits so beautifully into the flow of the record.
5. MELLOWHYPE - BLACKENEDWHITE 10. CRYSTAL CASTLES - CRYSTAL CASTLES
Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All is a hip-hop collective from Los Angeles that have been making waves for their young age, insane lyrics and superhuman talent. Odd Future encompasses a wide variety of projects from the experimental to the universal. MellowHype is rapper Hodgy Beats and producer Left Brain, and on BlackenedWhite the group leaves behind most of the surreal elements of Odd Future that might scare off some listeners (raping grandmas and other nonsense). Instead what you get is aural bliss in the form of next level production and great rapping. The music is minimal with a lot of sub bass. The lyrics range from skateboarding to killing cops, all handled with equal glee. More than any rap group out there, MellowHype are having fun. UNION WEEKLY
After putting out two albums in one year, Los Camp took 2009 off to grow a little and put their usual 110% into Romance Is Boring, a heart on the sleeve, genitals to the walls twee album. The band is an eight piece out of Cardiff University that is the outlet for band leader Gareth Campesinos, a brilliant songwriter who manages to make the tragic hilarious and the mundane horrifying. Romance Is Boring is a monument to shattered relationships, the title track features ruminations like “You’re pouting in you’re sleep I’m waking still yawing.” The album is perfect driving music, and is still in my CD changer today. Romance Is Boring is a therapy session for a one time fee of 10 bucks instead of 100 dollars a session.
4. TORO Y MOI - CAUSERS OF THIS 9. ARCADE FIRE -THE SUBURBS
Say what you want about Chii Wave or Phil Collins, at the beginning of this year Toro Y Moi showed the depth and beauty that you can get out of down-tempo synth pop. Chazz Bundick has molded the sounds of the nostalgic, half-remembered ’80s into something haunting and urgent. On “Blessa,” the track crackles and warps around Bundwick’s crisp clear vocals creating a great interplay. Since the release of Causers Of This, Toro Y Moi have hinted at a departure from the tuneful perfection they achieved on this record, putting out an E.P. that sounds more ’60s pop and an upcoming techno inspired project. No matter what direction Budwick decides to go in 2011 and beyond we will always have this album when we need to ride them chill waves.
6. LOS CAMPESINOS! - ROMANCE IS BORING
29 NOVEMBER 2010
Crystal Castles burst onto the scene with an innovative rework of Health’s monster rock song “Crimewave.” Nearly 3 years later Crystal Castles have perfected the not-quite-remix, using samples from Sigur Ros and Platinum Blonde taking both tracks into far darker more interesting territory. Unlike the first albums, the second Crystal Castles thrives on its down tempo darkwave tracks. The album is perfect for dreary traveling, rainy days and somehow, raves. Alice Glass has been equally vilified and canonized for her brash style, but she really does carry this band in a way that few singers could. Far from simply a whiskey swilling eye candy, she brings a lot of emotion and drive to what could be rudderless electro jams.
NEON TECHNO GHOST HOW TO ENTER THE VOID WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND, I GUESS MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
et me preface this by saying that it is almost impossible to even attempt to enter Enter the Void without color. I feel like an asshole trying to do it because it would be like me trying to convince you that I could tear the skin off my arm with a rubber band over the phone. Shit just doesn’t work. I’m sorry, you’re just going to try to assemble an image from the thoughts I’ll try to present, but I’m sure you’ll still be just as confused by the end of this review as I was while I was watching groups of Japanese men have sex at the end of the movie (not a spoiler). The Circle of life is a spoiler, though. So why am I trying to get you to watch, and simultaneously trying to assemble a semi-coherent review/rant about Gaspar Noé’s Enter the Void? Simple, you probing piece of shit. It’s one of the few movies that I’ve had a trouble getting through in one sitting that I actually enjoyed. The first-person point-of-view and the droning soundtrack made it hard for me
not to throw up after the first half-hour. Some scenes—the scene that starts off in a taxi, goes into a head on collision with a semi-truck, and ends with a little girl covered in blood, crying in the backseat of a car like a maniac, for example—are intensified by the music, and I had to pause for a few seconds because it made my heart rate speed up, which can be either a good thing about the movie or just proof that I am in dire need of some type of exercise regimen to keep me from going into cardiac arrest while blowing out the candle on my 25th birthday. The premise is a little convoluted because of all the strobe light stuff and the bouncing around from person to person, but it
all boils down to this: Oscar, a small time drug dealer, is killed in a bathroom during a police drug heist, and for the rest of the film, you are converted into a ghost hovering over the life of Oscar’s sister, Linda, in a neon lit Tokyo. It’s supposed to show the gritty underbelly of Tokyo, but if Tokyo actually looks like that (brightly lit and futuristic) I’d really like to visit. Lots of pinks and yellows! I guess this would be the perfect time to warn people that are prone to having seizures when they look at flashing things to stay away from this movie. Everything flashes in this movie. Penises, vaginas, text, signs, and people are all ignited on screen with flashing. For most of the movie there is this incestuous relationship going on between Oscar and Linda. Lots of incest. There was
this whole scene right after Oscar dies and is cremated, and Linda takes a pregnancy test and has an abortion. I’ve never seen an abortion go down, but it was a lot different than I had previously imagined. If anyone out there has ever had an abortion, or can corroborate that what is shown in the movie is an accurate representation of an abortion, please email me (marcob.union@ gmail.com) to let me know. All I have to go off of is those crazy presentations that compare abortions to the Holocaust, and the only thing I learned from those is that I shouldn’t laugh at that those pictures. I know the concept of a ghost floating around all over the place, looking at people, and going into their bodies to experience their lives, sounds a little dumb or kind of like the premise to the movie Ghost or Casper, but fuck off and lick the wrinkles on my balls. Don’t even bother watching the trailer. The way it’s cut makes it seem like the plot is something completely different.
LISTEN UP, TOILET-SITTERS A PLAY CALLING OUT THE ALIENATED Courtney Klink CONTRIBUTOR
I’m going to ask you to please think back to the worst experience you had in high school. I’m going to bet that it involved embarrassment, isolation, loneliness, and desperation. I’ll also bet money that you tried to laugh it off. Because your degradation was funny, right? The high school comedies we watched perpetuate this. Kids beating up on each other and yelling derogatory slurs was a comfortable norm, and media culture depicts our resulting humiliation and loneliness as funny. Now work with me here. I know the first thing you’ll probably do is grumble aloud, as you sit on your sad, smelly, porcelain throne, “Fuck this mouthy activist bitch. She’s getting all angsty and it’s weak sauce,” I’m not going to wait till after I’ve slapped your rude mouth before I tell you that isolation, mental illness, hate crimes, bullying, and suicide are a fucking epidemic in high schools and that in no
way do we have the right to ignore these issues. Nor are you allowed, as a person, to deny yourself the opportunity to discuss a set of unjust treatments that we all experienced. So, apathetic toilet-sitters across the campus, let’s penetrate the nasty layer of fast-food plaque that encrusts our hearts for not but two-tothree minutes and revisit some painful issues. Discussion and awareness about these experiences is the first step toward a solution, and with the rare window that the current surge of media coverage has given these issues, many local writers and youth advocates have begun projects that help to bring high school bullying and suicide happenings to light. Right now One Imagination, a writers and artists collective that works toward social justice based out of South Los Angeles, Long Beach, and South Bay, is collectively writing a play that focuses on the experience of queer youth, gang violence,
and bullying in American high schools. The project is called Our Word is Our Weapon (OWOW) The play tells the story of a seventeen-year-old named David who is literally bullied to the point of suicide. Were you ever called a name in your past that you still work to disprove or fend off? Were you ever called fat or weird? Ugly? Piruja, maricon? Were you ever called a faggot, a wetback, or a chink? A slut maybe? Have you ever called anyone any of these names? I hope for your sake that you managed to narrowly avoid the systematic destruction of the little self-esteem we had at that point in our early adulthood, but if you didn’t, I’m sorry, welcome to the sad majority. This play suggests that facilitating discussion in youth communities is a crucial factor in preventing the inevitable self-esteem crisis that follows such dominating behavior. It also seeks to break down the perpetrator/victim fal-
lacy. Every one of us feels shame for alienating other people, and most of us alienate to prevent ourselves from being picked on in the first place. We are all perpetrators, we are all victims. If, my toilet-sitting friend, you remember these painful experiences in your own life and want to help facilitate discussion on these issues, come out to Santa Monica for a night and help us empower the youth. Our Word is Our Weapon and it’s time for us to break the silence.
For More Information:
The play will begin airing December 5th in the Highways Performance Space at the 18th Street Arts Center in Santa Monica, located at 1651 18th Street, Santa Monica, CA 90404. $15 Regular price, $10 Students.
29 NOVEMBER 2010
MEN OF THE USU RESTROOMS GET A GRAMMAR CHECK KATY PARKER
LEO: In this case, someone got to
the chalkboard before me and made corrections before I even had the chance. Thanks, guy.
KATY: It makes me happy to know
that men can tell other men that they’re pretty while they pee and poo. Too bad those grammar skills are so unsightly.
KATY: It’s “vandalism.”
LEO: If there’s no chalk, you, sir,
KATY: Misspellings from this note
LEO: Check out the note at the bottom.
Editor’s Note: Scrawled in pen on the wall above this chalkboard, a message read, “Shit theres no chalk!! What do I do??!!”
KATY: This should be: “My spoon is too big. Really, it won’t fit in the yogurt.”
LEO: Sure, there is an overuse of ellipses, but the real tragedy here is what a sad and lonely day it must have been for this
should just keep your thoughts to yourself. I will have no man vandalize my restroom stalls. They are to be kept pristine and beautiful. Thank you. And it’s: “Shit, there’s no chalk! What do I do?”
gentleman. There he was, eating his lunch in a men’s room stall, and after discovering his spoon had been rendered useless by its largeness, he probably had to resort to sticking his tongue into his yogurt and wiggling it around in there. Poor guy.
LEO: Unless you’re talking about your
Aunt Pussy or something, in most cases “pussy” should not be capitalized.
KATY: Enthusiasm is always nice, but
there is a definite lack of punctuation here. I’m not clear as to how genuine his feelings about his Aunt P. are. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” “Yeah. Yeah? Yeah!” Better luck next draft.
29 NOVEMBER 2010
include: “sheild,” “maintence,” “dominent,” and “creats.” Otherwise, we’ve got a Good Will Hunting peeing among us! OH WAIT, this is a quote by Paulo Freire. What a find! I just got a teacher boner.
“You must have had a shy poo to write something this long.” Poo personalities. Ferocious poo. Passive-aggressive poo.
WRITIN’ DIRTY EXEMPLARY HUMAN BEINGS AND THEIR POETRY AND PROSE
SEND YOUR SHIT
GOT POEMS? FLASH FICTION? (NO ACTUAL SHIT, PLEASE) EMAIL KATY.UNION@GMAIL.COM
My backyard was a forest Tall pine trees reaching for the sky. I swear I saw a grizzly bear. Remember those snowy days? Playing for hours Casting off winter-wear until I was hot Or until my mother caught me. My toes slowly came back to life in the bath. Popcorn dipped in hot chocolate Bundled in a blanket Snowball in the freezer. A pile of clothes sat at the back door Snow still clinging to the bottom of my boots. Then my mother’s garden came back to life. A baby fox and some butterflies Garden snakes winding down the rows. The fireflies began to appear at night We would try to make the summer last Running and laughing Popsicles and lemonade Chalk and sun showers. We stayed up for hours Watching their little lights turn on and off. Catching and releasing Letting them crawl along our hands. Do I really have to go to bed? The leaves are changing It’s getting colder. School is back once again.
YIELD FOR HEELS TAMAR ALTEBARMAKIAN CONTRIBUTOR
I have feet that point outward like a penguin. Even in the most comfortoriented shoes, I waddle forward like a person split in two, not knowing which direction to tread. This is why I hate high heels. Convinced that the world revolves with the sole purpose of throwing me off balance, I do not want to tempt the gods by adding two inches of sitcom-worthy laughs to the bottom of my heels. My mother and sister have tried to deter me from my cautious ways with irrefutable reasoning the likes of, “But you’re a girl. You need to wear heels.” “And people will think you’re a
lesbian if you don’t,” my sister said for good measure. I tried convincing them that my decision to wear flats to weddings, holiday events, and banquets was for practical reasons alone and not some staunch feminist statement I was making by refusing to ascend the few inches off the ground that would cement my womanhood. “This is why you don’t have a boyfriend,” my sister would say whenever I’d pass on a pair of shiny stilettos. But I didn’t care and so I would head for the medical supplies section and seek comfort in Dr. Scholl’s.
MONICA HOLMES UNION STAFFER
It’s like a bee sting on my brain. Eyes so wide I cannot see clearly. Corpses of time rape my mind again and again and a million times since madness rang its victory bell. Goals. Productivity. Mascara. Motown. Dick. Hydrangeas. Goals. I force this shit. Still, corpses walk like zombies. There’s no place like home! My mother has worked one thousand years and I wonder if she has felt the disease? When she was 20 had her brain been captured? Pirates. Was she lost at sea? That must be why she works so much. Goal: sacrifice this brain to our system. Work me like a greyhound so I may be Earth. Focus. Breathe. One day my legs will give out, my face in dirt. This girl will go to Medicine. This brain to gloved hands. Zombies and Pirates will have only each other if my soul lives on as a tree. I must become a tree.
THE HOT DOG AND HECTOR
There is only one place to go for a hot dog at two in the morning on a Thursday – 7-11. It is not the best place to be, but it is the only place to get a hot dog. A man walks in, his clothes are paint splattered and I instantly pin him as a Hector. Hector asks if he can get a ride to Rite-Aid and back, to buy a hammer. There is no questioning if this guy is serious or not. He is clearly very serious. He needs a hammer, he needs it now, and he needs it from Rite-Aid, goddammit. Hector can tell from my hesitation that I might say no, Rite-Aid is closed, so he launches into the story. “I just need a hammer, I need to check something out, I gotta go get a hammer, because this guy was going to get sued and go to jail for a long long time, and if he killed the grandfather of my child, I gotta check it out, committed suicide because he couldn’t see me, you goddamn bet I gotta checkitoutcheckitoutcheckitout.” This man has clearly been awake for several days. I look at the man behind the counter, he looks at Hector. He senses our uneasiness, and tries to convince me again: “I know I sound crazy, I hope I’m not crazy.” The man behind the counter inches to his right, we look at each other. He is going to get a gun. I get caught up in the excitement, already imagining news vans in the parking lot. I want a scene, I want to be interviewed. Show me how crazy you really are, Hector. I tell him, no, I will not be driving him to Rite-Aid tonight. Hector’s only answer is a wad of spit at my feet. He leaves. The 7-11 owner and I just look at each other, and then I buy my hot dog, which is cold.
CHELSEA HOBBY CONTRIBUTOR
I have a plaestik draegyn Who lives inside my heart; He slivers to my liver And skewers with his dart.
I found myself a scalpel And opened wide my chest To free my soul from draegyns – But pointless was my quest.
I begged him once to leave me, But he would not comply. Instead he treaded softly, And filled my lungs with dye.
A have a plaestik draegyn Who lives down in my toe; For he knew my intentions And shan’t let me alone. UNION WEEKLY
29 NOVEMBER 2010
I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK BECAUSE IT WAS PUBLISHED IN A NEWSPAPER, AND I READ IT LEO PORTUGAL CULTURE EDITOR
y first two attempts at making a culture page have garnered some controversy and been met with brutal feedback. On the page today are two rebuttals to those pages. Just like the “How to Get Laid” feature stirred the ire of some, my “How to Get Dressed” page did the same in the form of a vitriolic tirade in an e-mail from a man I now refer to as “Vitriolic” Vincent Chavez. And Sara Hatakeyama did not take too kindly to the “Pie Page.” Sara, let me assure you, and the rest of the world, that my love of pie is in no way sexual. For reals.
But before you go on to read their dumb hate mail, if you haven’t done so already (and if you’re reading their rebuttals right now, PLEASE COME BACK OVER HERE I MISS YOU), hang out with me for awhile while I tell you important things. Since we haven’t had enough food reviews on the culture page for a while, I wanted to talk about some delicious Trader Joe’s products. I just found the best thing to put on toast since the invention of sliced bread. It’s Trader Joe’s pumpkin butter. You can tell whether or not this is something
IT’S WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS
A GAY RESPONSE TO THE “HOW TO GET DRESSED” PAGE VINCENT CHAVEZ CONTRIBUTOR
Of course, if you’re gay the “How to Get Dressed” page was old news. You knew those trends would spring up months, years, even decades in advance. I can just picture it; you’re hop-scotching on the playground with your closest girlfriends and, like a rainbow-colored lightning bolt, it hits you, “American Apparel… It’s gonna be huge. Oh, and Becky, I’d burn those neon overalls if you know what’s good for you. Now let’s go get jiggy wit’ it on the monkey bars before we’re saved by the bell. Grunge.” Well, as a gay guy with no fashion sense (yes, we exist, we’re here, we’re queer, get used to the sweatpants), I have a bone to pick with my lady cohorts who seem to think clothes make the man. How can you girls be so superficial? Clothes do not make the man. That was just an urban legend started by Mark Twain in the 1880s to sell white suits and mustache polish. Twain’s full quote is, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on UNION WEEKLY
29 NOVEMBER 2010
CHRISTINA MOTT UNION STAFFER
society.” Twain’s right. Men have to wear something. That being said, I could not care less what that something is. Hoodies? Goodies. V-necks? Neck yes. Louis Vuitton? Right on. Axe body spray? More than axe-cceptable. Skin-tight jeans? Your genitals look great. Ties? Fuck ties… Kidding! Of course ties are awesome. At the end of the day, what really matters is inner beauty. That’s why I recommend ingesting clothing. Personally, there is nothing hotter than a pair of slacks draped elegantly atop a guy’s vital organs. Yes, swallowing a sweater, consuming a cardigan, gulping down a dapper Gucci dinner jacket, whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy is fine with me. Oh, and might I suggest something with fringe. It shows up best on x-rays. Because, while you can spend tons of money and energy trying to fit someone else’s standards of beauty, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
you would enjoy by imagining if you’d find things improved by having the essence of pumpkin pie rubbed all over them. I found that to be an appealing notion, and now, with pumpkin butter in my refrigerator, it is my appealing reality. The banana and pumpkin butter sandwich I ate for breakfast today was the best breakfast I had all day. And with winter fast approaching, the weather is going to be just right for nice warm soups. If you enjoy tomato soup, Trader Joe’s might have the perfect tomato soup for you. Another top pot soup is
Andersen’s Pea Soup. You used to have to drive up the 5 freeway for a few hours to get some, but now you can find some of it canned at your local grocery store. And with winter comes winter break. Use your vacation time this season to do fun things. I’ve already offered the suggestion of eating soup, but may I also suggest singing some Christmas carols. Join a Christmas carol choir and get to the bottom of the whole Christmas carol choir culture. And drink hot chocolate. My work here is done.
IT’S WHAT’S ON THE CAKE THAT COUNTS AN INSECURE RESPONSE TO THE “PIE PAGE” SARA HATAKEYAMA CONTRIBUTOR
I guess for some people, pie is the bee’s knees, but for me, it’s just irritating. It in no way tickles my fancy. But I have a confession. I have a blind hatred for pie. Much like racquetball, I’m not sure why I hate it, I just do. But men love pie. I just don’t get it. It’s just some skanky hoebag that thinks it’s better than cake or something, but it’s absolutely not. I’m not saying that I’m jealous of pie, or that my man will one day leave me for a pie, but wait a second… The boyfriend, he loves the pie! Maybe my blind hatred isn’t so blind after all! Maybe deep down I have a fear that my boyfriend will one day leave me for pie. Ladies, let me tell you that maybe it shouldn’t be that girl in the bar all over your man you have to worry about; may-
be it’s that warm apple pie sitting on the windowsill. Some guys love pie so much they have sex with it, literally. I mean in American Pie, Jason Biggs fucked a pie for goodness sake. Could pie one day be a girlfriend substitute? Forget about being replaced by robots, blow up dolls, or hookers. Pie totally puts out. A man could get into a pie’s pants as easy as a snap of the fingers, mainly because pie doesn’t wear pants. Easy access! Alright pie, I got carried away and I apologize. I’m sorry I called you a skanky hoebag slut. Maybe it was just my insecurities talking. Maybe I was a little out of line. But seriously, if you try to steal my boyfriend, I’m totally going to kick your ass. You got that, pie?
PIE-DRAWING CONTEST 2010
PIE 1 Illustrations
“I became a pie for you.”
CONNOR O’BRIEN & CHELSEA STEVENS PHOTO EDITOR
This year’s theme, “Lady becomes pie to please her boyfriend.” E-mail email@example.com with “Pie 1” or “Pie 2” in the subject line to vote in the first annual pie-drawing contest!
29 NOVEMBER 2010
9 7 5 1 6 2
2 1 7 9 3 4
8 5 9 2 1 6
3 6 4 7 8 5
6 9 1 5 7 3
7 4 8 6 2 1
5 2 3 4 9 8
1 3 2 8 4 7
7 6 4 8 3 9 2 5 1 2 5 3 6 4 1 8 9 7 1 9 8 5 7 2 4 3 6 3 2 6 4 5 8 7 1 9 9 5 4 6
1 4 5 3
7 8 2 9
2 7 8 1
3 1 9 7
6 9 3 4
8 2 1 5
5 3 6 2
4 6 7 8
1 6 5 3 4 7 9 8 2 7 9 3 5 8 2 6 4 1
CHRIS FABELA GROUP COLLABO
4 8 6 3 5 9
8 7 1 6 2 5 4 9 3 2 8 4 9 6 1 3 7 5
DEATH IS AWESOME
HELPFUL TIPS SHAKABACCA
This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, any feedback at all (I’m lonely) to firstname.lastname@example.org, then go to hell.
Classic Volume 67 Issue 13
Monday, November 29th, 2010
GRUNION ARTICLE Bones Characters Discover The Entire (That I Wrote) Human Race is Filled With Bones BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR I’m back in the saddle so here we go big baby. Time to write a hilarious Grunion article and time for you to read it. The holidays are coming up. Which holidays? Whatever! All of them are coming up for you unless you plan on dying as soon as I do. Of course when I die I will finally stop seeing time linearly and I can go celebrate at all the best holidays as a ghost. As a ghost traveling through time I will have to fill my spooks quota on all the different holidays, here are a couple spooky pranks I will play on different holidays. For Halloween I’d go up to some dork waaay in the future who is sitting in his chair that is also a toilet (these will be invented and used widely in the future, trust me) and I’ll say to him, “boo I’m a bat with blood!!!” He’ll be so scared because where the heck would a bat even get blood from since they mostly eat bugs. I’ll go up to some American family in the ‘50s and they’ll be all around the fireplace and their tree and I’ll go
up to them and I’ll say, “booo hey losers a Dracula did a murder on me and then I died.” Their American dream will be crushed and their fear will take its place. Where did the dracula come from? Will it do a murder on them too? These will be the things that replace their simple American Dream and turn it into an American Scream!! I’d go back to Halloween, I don’t know what I’d do here because people are ready for a good spookin’ all throughout the night on Halloween. I’ll probably stick around an extra day and when the dumbass person comes outside to throw away their jack’s lantern, I’ll be a ghost inside of it and I’ll say, “blehh blehh I’m a plunkin, harpy halloween you batty broad!” She will die. There are no other holidays so that ought to do it. I can’t wait until I can finally die and become a ghost because then my pranks will know no bounds. Next time you’re running around thinking you’re safe from me you better check your ass because I might be on it. Pleasant screams idiots.
BY BRAD BLUEBERRY Now that the hit TV show Bones is finishing its sixth season, the show’s writers are already gearing up to give the hit Fox drama an exciting seventh season. Bones, which follows two police investigators tracking down and gathering as many bones as they can find, has already seen its share of exciting and fascinating storylines. For example, the award-winning third season where the Man and Emily Deschanel discover a man creating bones out of smaller bones taken from animals. The team had not considered that bones were within animals, and as such, they had to reevaluate their entire investigative approach, as well as their lives. The ensuing depression spiral felt by the characters has been described by critics as “television.” Additionally, their “boner” storyline, in which any perp caught with a boner was immediately carted off to prison for life. After many days of frustrated pitching at a writer’s retreat, the Bones writers came up with a breakthrough idea. Give Emily Deschanel and the Guy an x-ray machine. After a visit to a doctor, the Guy and Emily Deschanel come to the startling conclusion that everyone on
A spine-tingling scene from the newest season of Bones. Emily Deschanel falls in love with a skeleton and must come to terms with her prejudices and preconceptions. Can she find love and catch the perp?
the Earth is completely filled to the brim with bones. The following season will be about the two investigators learning to come to terms with this discovery, and their attempt to not arrest anyone that they see walking around the street due to their bone offense. Excerpt from the show: Emily Deschanel: “My god, this man has human skull stashed inside his head. Maybe he’s the perp we’ve been looking for??” Later, the Man says things like “I just can’t wrap my head around it. If everyone has bones in them, how can we figure
out who the perp is? How can I discover who I am?” In a twist that would have been extremely exciting if I didn’t spoil it, the Bones crew is going to discover that protagonist Emily Deschanel has no bones inside of her. Is she above suspicion, or perhaps her lack of bones makes her the most likely perp for the case? She must take a journey within herself in order to truly discover the truth. Be sure to tune in to Bones this coming season for these exciting story lines and more. Get ready boners, it’s almost time to bone.
Grunion Game: What Face Would You Make? A game that I invented: a friend or creature gives you a scenario, and then you do the face that you would make, were that situation to happen to you in real life. For example, what face would you make if all your pubes fell out? My face would probably look something like this :}. Here’s one to try on your own now: what face would you make if a waitress gave you soup, but it was really just beer with salt and pepper in it? These are just two small scenarios that I have come up with, now try your own with your friends! Fun game! page G2
Please Kiss The Guy From Cash Cab There is one very important difference between the shows Cash Cab and Man vs. Food. In Cash Cab, the host, Ben Bailey never gets kissed or even really thanked by any of his guests. In Man vs. Food, though, sweaty, food-covered host Adam Richman gets kissed by a majority of the girls on his show. Ben Bailey drives all around the crowded city of New York, giving out cash to dumb idiots and doing hilarious voices to trick them. Unfortunately, the people are ungrateful and barely even acknowledge him as a fun host or even a human being. Next time you are in the Cash Cab, give Ben Bailey a big kiss and tell him thanks. Do not kiss the guy from Man vs. Food, though. He’s sweaty and he will probably puke if you are ugly which you probably are. page B2
Seriously, What is the Difference Between Cheese and Carrots? page C2
Published on Nov 29, 2010