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ISSUE 67.11

KEVIN-SENT

KEVIN O’BRIEN ANDY KNEIS

A LETTER LIKE NOTHING ELSE KEVIN O’BRIEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

A

s a Political Science major, I am required to study and, at times, dwell on the American military. From broader research into the Military Industrial Complex to more specific and graphic studies about the incidents of torture at Abu Ghraib, it seems that every course I have taken this semester has, at some point, dealt with the American military. Even with the regularity of this topic in my coursework, I do not find myself thinking about or discussing the military outside of the classroom.

Illustration

CLAY COOPER

COMICS EDITOR

A main idea that the veterans elucidated, despite my ill-prepared and confusing line of questioning, was this lack of knowledge about the military and student veterans specifically. While I knew that veterans took classes at CSULB, I had no idea about the issues that student veterans deal with each semester. Furthermore, it became readily apparent that many students were totally unaware of the very presence of student veterans on campus. If you would like to be less ignorant, and as a college student you may be, then I encourage you to participate in the CSULB Veterans Day Celebration this Wednesday, November 10th, from 2pm to 4:30pm on the Southwest Terrace of the USU. You can use the time to gain a greater general knowledge about veterans affairs or meet a veteran and begin to gain a greater apprecaition of what it is to be an American citizen. Ask Away!

Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? Send them to the editor at kevinob.union@gmail.com!

A CROSSWORD LIKE NOTHING ELSE

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CHELSEA STEVENS

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Opinions Editor

NOAH KELLY

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Campus Director

KATY PARKER

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Literature Editor

MARCO BELTRAN

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Entertainment Editor & PR

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN merm.union@gmail.com Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA

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LEO PORTUGAL

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Comics Editor Culture Editor

JEFF BRIDGES

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CLAY COOPER

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Actor, Grunion Editor

Art Director

GABE FERREIRA

Assistant Art Director/Cover

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JEFF CHANG

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CONNOR O’BRIEN

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On-Campus Distribution

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Contributors:

CHRISTINA MOTT CONTRIBUTOR

[Editors Note: If you’re looking for answers we’ll put them online or your can find them right now in the Bible you Godless heathen. If you want to make you own puzzle then thats sad but I guess you can send them to kevinob.union@gmail.com.]

8 NOVEMBER 2010

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Managing Editor

MOTTWORD PUZZLE

UNION WEEKLY

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Managing Editor

CHRIS FABELA

In this week’s feature, I explore the very serious divide between civilians and military personnel and veterans in the United States. However, I was prompted by the fact that Veterans Day was fast approaching and necessitated by the fact that I was going to write the feature on student veterans affairs. Sadly, the only time I can recall writing anything on the military, outside of school, was an obtuse sentence referencing the Military Industrial Complex in my letter last week. It was a love letter/eulogy to the Hummer. If you have a Hummer, I would be willing to barter/exchange it for my left testicle, because owning a Hummer is like having a bevy of testicles implanted up under you or having a boner that could have deflected the planes on 9/11, and then afterwards proudly displayed a flag majestically waving in the free breeze of the United States. Or a bald eagle could perch on it, whatever you’re into. In any case, I interviewed Marine Corps and Army veterans for this week’s feature. We discussed a number of things, all of which you can read about in the feature spread on page eight and nine.

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Editor-in-Chief

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MIKE PALLOTTA, JOE BRYANT, PARKER CHALMERS, MATTHEW TOWLES, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, COLLEEN BROWN, FOLASHADE ALFORD, DEVIN O’NEIL, STEPHANIE HERNANDEZ, KEENAN MACINNES, SOPHI MAISE, STEPHANIE PEREZ, JEFF BAER, DEREK KOSKO, COREY LEIS, LANDON DAVAULT, CHEYENNE DAY, STEVE BESSETTE, MARY FUHRMAN, DEVON GIEHL, DEBORAH ROWE, ALLISON O’DELL, JACKIE ROSAS, PATRICK MCNALLY, ADRIENNE SHULTZ, ALISON ERNST, LISA VAN WIJK, JANTZEN PEAKE, RICHARD LEVINSON, NICOLE STREET, JESSICA MEISELS, KELSEY WEHSELS, MAE RAMIREZ, JACKIE ROSAS, TANNER PARKER, KEVIN JORGECRUZ, CHRIS PAGE, MICHAEL IACOUCCI, JILLIAN WOLF, DANIEL PEREZ, VINCENT CHAVEZ, MONICA HOLMES, BRANDON STUHL, CHRISTINA MOTT, KIELY CROW, JILLIAN THOMAN, SHANE RUSING, KEVIN NICHOLSON

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The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

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CAMPUS STATE OF THE BEACH

YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF STEVE BESSETTE

UNION STAFFER

Even though this week is jam packed with events, you only have a four day academic week (and a four day weekend for those with no Friday classes). That’s all because of Veterans Day, which is this Thursday. Regardless of your views on the war, veterans are the ones who are out there fighting in a shit storm every day. If you know any vets, thank them for their hard work, and also for giving you a day off. Here’s your state of the beach:

EXCRUTIATING EXHIBITION RICHARD LEVINSON

On Monday, the Cole Conservatory of Music presents the New Music Ensemble, 8:00 pm, Gerald Daniel Recital Hall, $7 for students. For tickets call (562) 985-7000. The sculpture and ceramics student gallery continues, 12:00 pm - 5:00 pm, between buildings FA2 & FA3, FREE. For info, call (562) 985-4376. On Tuesday, all of your Thursday classes will be held TODAY. They’re canceled for Veterans Day. Got it? You sure? Your THURSDAY, November 11 classes are held this TUESDAY, November 9. Don’t fuck that up. You’ll look like a damned fool. On Wednesday, the Cole Conservatory of Music presents Brass Chamber Music, 8:00 PM, Daniel Recital Hall, FREE w/student ID. Call (562) 985-7000. Even though Veteran’s Day is on, please give the vets their much deserved respect at CSULB’s Veterans Day Celebration on the USU Southwest Terrace from 2:30 to 4:30. On Thursday, Women’s Volleyball vs. Cal State Northridge, 7:00 PM, at the Pyramid. For tix call (562) 985-4949. The campus is closed today, so honor the veterans by staying home. I wish my grandfather had some war stories, but instead he just has a weird liking for boxed wine and CBS dramas. On Friday, Women’s Volleyball vs. UC Riverside, 7:00 PM, at the Pyramid. Where I come from, going to UC Riverside was the equivalent of going to a local community college. UC cred totally destroyed. Also on Friday, The Department of Journalism & Mass Communication presents An Evening with Eric Draper, former White House photographer, 5:00 pm - 6:30 pm, Pyramid Annex. For further information or tickets, call (562) 985-4981. Listen to someone who had to take Bush’s picture all day and not vomit uncontrollably. That takes guts.

UNION STAFFER

The 49ers are a little rusty. The CSULB women’s basketball team lost to Cal Poly Pomona 58-39 at the Pyramid on Saturday in their first matchup of the season. The good news: it was only an exhibition. Bad news: the 49ers exhibited terrible play. The Beach, who have been picked in the official media poll to finish seventh in the nine-team Big West, jumped out to a 7-0 start after only a minute and a half of play. Cal Poly Pomona, ranked second in the same poll, called a ceremonious timeout and clawed back to eventually take a 20-19 lead. They would run the score to 27-22 in their favor until Brandi Henton hit a running layup at the buzzer to keep the game within striking distance. The game would get no closer, unfortunately. It took the 49ers five excruciating

Photos

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

minutes into the second half to put any more points on the board, but by then they had lost any sense of competitive edge. CSULB ended up getting outscored 31-15 in the second half en route to the blowout. The lopsided game can be attributed to the offense’s carelessness with the basketball, turning it over a staggering 31 times in 40 minutes of play. The aforementioned Henton contributed 10 turnovers alone to go nicely with her team leading 12 points and eight rebounds in her Long Beach debut. Tipesa Moorer and Sendy Valles chipped in six points apiece. There is only so much one can take from an exhibition like this, fortunately. Sure, the team may have shot 30 percent from the free throw line. Sure, they may have shot 30 percent from the field.

Sure, they may have shot 17 percent from beyond the three point arc. But it was only an exhibition. A statistically meaningless exhibition. And when you add to the mix that only one returning starter, Ashley Bookman, was on the floor paired with six freshmen and sophomores who have yet to run a game like this together, there are bound to be some kinks that need to be worked out. Another factor that must be added, head coach Jody Wynn spread out the playing time amongst the ten players to step on the court, gauging how each player could potentially perform for the rest of the season. But still, 30 percent from the free throw line? Come on. The real season begins for Long Beach State when they head north next Saturday to square off against Oregon State.

ETHICS SEMINAR TEACHING A LEGACY STEPHANIE PEREZ UNION STAFFER

“Ethics at the Beach” was definitely an event I would recommend students of all majors to look for next year because it applies to all of us and there was something of value to be learned. When I first arrived I was impressed with the vibe of the room at the Pointe. I have never been to the Pointe for any event, and it was professional with white table cloths and the students suited in business attire. Once everyone took a seat, there were materials for us to have while listening to the speaker and lunch was later provided. Each student received a Pyramid of Success which is used to teach the John Wooden Course. Some people were unfamiliar with John Wooden but the speaker, Lynn Guerin, took the time to introduce the deceased basketball coach’s legacy. The entire lecture covered several aspects of how we define a trusted leader,

how John Wooden used the pyramid of success, and the values he learned from his father to create his dynasty. We learned about the idea of life being four quarters, analogous to the four quarters of a basketball game. The basic concept was that we will all have four quarters in our life; some will be worse or better than others and during each quarter we will face new challenges. This four quarter concept had the audience questioning what they saw themselves doing in each quarter. There were a few activities that split the room into groups where ideas were shared and students collaborated to come up with group answers. We were putting what we had just learned into application; if only all my classes were like this. I learned that being a leader meant being humble and sometimes taking a step back to listen to others, as well as

the importance of relationships. Another important lesson I learned at this session was the “level of success is equal to the quality of your relationships.” The speaker kept stressing the importance of having somebody as a mentor. I have a few mentors and I realized that their guidance and support has been critical in my personal development. The most important concept I learned at “Ethics at the Beach” was the importance of having strong core values because “building around physical beauty and strength won’t last, time will have its way,” and we are left with our values which define us. It is a free event I highly recommend you look for this next year and hey, you get a lunch out of it too. “Ethics at the Beach” is an annual event put on by the Ukleja Center for Ethical Leadership and was hosted by Target this year. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


OPINIONS

OUTSIDER LOOKING IN A SOUTHERN ANGLE ON AMERICAN CULTURE

Illustration

ANDREW LOVE CONTRIBUTOR

GABE FERREIRA ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR

T

he aspect of American life that struck me as most impressive when I moved to the United States from Brazil four years ago, was the strong patriotism Americans feel. It drastically contrasted with my country’s lack of national pride, which only exists when the World Cup is going on. However, it took me a while to realize that much of American patriotism translated into love and support for the military and its actions abroad, a fact that I tend to see with a certain degree of repugnance. Even though America should indeed have a strong military, way too much emphasis is being placed on national

security. I always hear people talking about how American troops are protecting American freedom, but I never really understood what one thing has to do with the other. Not to mention the “Thank Our Troops” stickers you see everywhere. I can only imagine how hard it must be for soldiers to be on foreign soil fighting for reasons 90% of us don’t fully comprehend, and I have respect for these soldiers, but why are we told to thank the military for our freedom? Look at other democracies around the world, you will notice it is impossible to establish a definite relationship between freedom and military involvement. For no

apparent reason, or perhaps because we like to deceive ourselves, our society prefers to adopt this propaganda-like mentality that deviates us from logical reasoning. Now that America is facing one of the worst economic crisis of its history, the amount of money our government is using for military purposes is becoming much more of a problem. The military expenditure of the US Department of Defense was around $600 billion in 2008, $650 billion in 2009, and is projected to be above $670 billion in 2010. This money will never be seen again, and I can only imagine what could have been accomplished if America invested it in itself. An even more

serious issue is the psychological effect war has on soldiers, whose lives are changed forever because of what they’ve seen in the battlefield. This week’s feature article will be talking just about that, so take the time to read it. I could forever write about how detrimental war has been to our society, but it wouldn’t be enough to express my disgust with some of our military practices. We are focusing on the wrong things. Instead of spending our time and money on war, we should be using our resources to make this country and the world a better place. There are much better things we can use billions of dollars for.

was angry at her because I would run away clutching my stomach after school. The low point of this story, and possibly my life, is that while walking home with her on a short day, shit started oozing out of my ass. Frantically, I ran ahead, tying a denim jacket around my waist so that no one would notice the giant shit stain on my jeans. Denim doesn’t mask the smell of rotting shit—but all I know is that I’m going to fail in life just like everyone else in my family. It was shocking at first, but after a while I got use to it (I imagine that’s what it’s like when you find out/know that you’re going to die soon).

I got an email telling me I was really close to reaching my goal of graduating and I should consider applying for graduation, which should have inspired me to get the fuck out of this place and start my life as a sign spinner, but I just gave up. Stopped going to class, writing, reading. The only thing I’ve been able to do is watch movies all day. I’d rather just fall asleep watching a movie and not wake up in the morning because I either had a heart attack in my sleep or my laptop exploded and I died in the fire. Depressing, but it beats living in a pool filled with semen. Unless you’re into that.

THE SAD TALE OF MY LIFE IT’S BAD BECAUSE IT INCLUDES SHITTING MY PANTS MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

I’ve come to the realization, while joyously walking across Target carrying a box of Count Chocula, that I, despite pursuing a career I have come to love, will probably not end up doing anything that has to do with my degree after I graduate. I want to say that I’ll write something that might make an impact on society within the span of my lifetime, but I doubt it will happen. Why? I don’t know. It’s a nagging feeling I’ve had since I was a kid, like the sound of someone crushing snow under their feet, that told me I was going to fail no matter what I did. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010

wasted most of my life watching infomercials when I should have been working, drank too much soda/alcohol/urine, or put too much thought into the possibility of me shitting myself inside out. My mom would tell me stories about this guy from her hometown in El Salvador that forced a turd and his anus prolapsed so his mom had to shove his intestines back in with a stick, so I thought about that every time I had to use the restroom. It got so bad that in high school, during a time in which I was really constipated, I held it in for a whole week. My girlfriend at the time thought I


OPINIONS

PROP 19 GOES UP IN SMOKE A BETTER CALIFORNIA ECONOMY LOST TO IGNORANCE

Illustration

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

DEVIN O’NEILL UNION STAFFER

I’m not nearly as disappointed that Prop 19 was defeated as I am by why it was defeated. My feelings about Proposition 19, I want to make clear, come from the perspective of a marijuana user. I smoke on occasion, maybe once or twice a month, generally socially or with my girlfriend. I feel this is important because, after reading both sides of the issue, it seems clear that the opposition to Prop 19 operates based on some pretty fundamental misunderstandings about how weed users approach weed. While the proponents of the proposition are focusing almost entirely on the fiscal and bureaucratic relief legalization will offer CA’s belabored infrastructure, opponents of the proposition focus on the behavior of weed users, and how they’ll use holes in the proposition to subvert these benefits, reduce public safety, and generally run amok. The implicit assumption here is that weed users, when pot is illegal, will have a

fundamentally different relationship with pot after it’s legalized, and the Prop 19 opposition hasn’t offered any evidence for this, or addressed this issue at all. For example: on the anti-19 website, the assumption is made that the caveat allowing each person 25 square feet of weed will be exploited—four people in a house can grow 100 square feet, etc. I don’t know anyone who’s going to grow a hundred square feet of pot who isn’t doing it already. Those people are doing it to sell it, and so will be regulated. I mean, 100 square feet is a lot of fucking pot. This pattern of reasoning is repeated throughout the anti-side of the debate, and it just doesn’t make any sense to me. People who grow no pot now are not going to start cultivating 25 square feet of pot just because it’s legal. It’s gardening, almost farming. It takes a lot of work. Who would do this? If one knows anything about pot and people who

use it, this sounds silly. But if you have no experience with these people or with weed, it seems, apparently, like a reasonable fear. The opposition’s argument is based in ignorance. The same principle holds for people who smoke, and holds for how much they smoke and under what circumstances. Apparently, everyone will start smoking right before they drive if the prop is passed (if they don’t already); that behavior will change drastically. Also, bus drivers and the like will all start smoking pot, in fact lots of people in general will suddenly start smoking, even though they don’t already. I know no one person who has said they will start smoking, or change their behavior drastically, just because pot is no longer criminalized. Smokers will simply not be arrested, and will have an easier time getting pot without endangering themselves. Some people may try it, but I see no reason why people would flock to it en masse. This is,

I realize, anecdotal evidence, but I feel there’s an enormous burden of proof on the opposition to show that these consequences will come to pass if pot is legalized; that the entire population will take to weed in all these extreme and destructive ways. Because right now they don’t, and it’s already widely available. They’re contending that it will get “worse,” and they need to prove it. The pro-19 argument, meanwhile, is almost entirely budgetary and related to governance. They want to make tax money and stimulate the economy, which offering an enormous cash crop on the legal market will almost certainly accomplish. This seems economically apparent. They don’t rely as thoroughly, in my opinion, on hypotheticals. The anti-19 camp does, and I feel like a stronger set of arguments is needed if they really want to counter the pro-side’s claims, especially in a time of economic and governmental need.

THIS IS ABOUT SMALL TALK

I DON’T CARE HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING COLLEEN BROWN UNION STAFFER

It happens to me every day as a waitress: I have to strike up a conversation with people I’m not familiar with, who I will most likely never see again. This has led to some of the most meaningless conversations I have ever had. Countless times I’ve been forced to discuss how busy Olive Garden is or isn’t at the moment, what a stellar deal endless salad and breadsticks is, or how curiously hot/cold it is today. Or my personal favorite: a little old lady I’ve served about three times now who never remembers me. When I ask her if she wants some cheese, she replies every time by saying, “That’s not just cheese, that’s fatty cholesterol!” followed by peals of laughter on her part while I inwardly bang my head against a wall. It’s all small talk, and I have a problem

with it. I really do. I get that it’s a necessity in social situations; it’s the easiest thing to turn to when you don’t know someone that well, or when you’re trying to ward off an uncomfortable silence trying to creep into a conversation. But I can’t stand it. It actually makes me feel more awkward than if we were to sit there in silence. It’s because it’s so impersonal. Honestly, are you going to take anything away from a conversation you had with someone about how warm it is for November? Are you expecting to find common ground with someone by talking about how tired you are? No, no you’re not. If a conversation has exhausted its purpose, there is no need to continue talking. I’ve never understood why people desperately sputter out words

as if they’ll stop breathing should there be a moment’s pause. If there’s a choice between fake conversation and a slightly awkward silence, I’ll almost always take the silence. But I do say ALMOST always. I definitely acknowledge that some situations absolutely require small talk, like meeting people. If you don’t do some on-the-surface mingling, you’ll have a hard time making friends or networking for the future. I would never suggest walking up to a person and asking them really personal questions, like “Hey there! How often do you masturbate?” solely to avoid small talk. Because while you may escape the awkwardness of being forced to talk to someone about pointless things, you obviously may open even more awkward doors.

My issue with small talk is my own fault, really. There’s nothing intrinsically terrible about it, but I really like to get to know people. And I mean the full deal: I want to know what you ultimately hope to achieve in your life, your greatest struggles, the things you think about daily, and especially those quirky things that will come from spending time with you, like whether or not you dip your french fries in your Frosty. I understand that I sound like a Hallmark card (because I always sound like a Hallmark card), but I place an enormous value on who people are and their willingness to share themselves with me. I just hate the fact that some people deem lots of small talk necessary before we get there. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


ENTERTAINMENT

DARKNESS WITH A CAPITAL D REVIEW OF UNTIL THE LIGHT TAKES US ERIC BRYAN UNION STAFFER

And things were looking so good. An air of Christmas-like anticipation had struck the metal world when the news came in that someone had decided to make a legitimate documentary on black metal, the most infamous of heavy metal’s many stepchildren. The mere idea that the rest of the world was going to get a peek at black metal through neutral eyes, but on the genre’s conditions, was unheard of, a seemingly extraordinary turn of events. Bated breath heralded the few US screenings, and grubby paws palmed record stores’ increasingly dusty DVD shelves. Obama’s promise of change was finally going to pay off. The world got Aaron Aite’s and Audrey Ewles Until the Light Takes Us. It’s not a bad documentary. It tells a story

that has been told and retold by metalhead, preacher, and journalist alike (that of the church burnings, suicides, and murders in early 1990’s Norway, more specifically the involvement of black metal pioneers Mayhem in said activities), which is a bit tired, but hey, it’s a story. I guess. It’s clearly made on a tight budget, with, admirably, the majority of time and effort seemingly going into interviews with exMayhem/Burzum member/murderer Varg Vikernes and Darkthrone drummer Gylve “Fenriz” Nagell. While this results in rampant sound issues and graininess so unpleasant that sometimes you’d swear they were doing it on purpose, it’s a small documentary, and such things can be overlooked. What cannot, though, is the treatment

of the subject itself. The apparent aim of the documentary is to show that black metal, despite its bloody history, is an art form (and a serious one). However, the film is executed is in such a way that this fair idea is warped into a director communicating that the music is definitely an art form, but mostly because he’s covering it. It’s at this point, about two-thirds into the film, that the music becomes an afterthought to how a modern artist sees black metal as pertaining to his art. Suddenly the subject of the documentary isn’t how the music came to be, where it came from, or hey, why not, where it’s going to go, but instead that, to be viewed as anything beyond self-diluted, face-paint-wearing murderers, they must move outside of the music and

profit as best they can from the image of an angry man in face paint. For example the film features a disturbing performance art piece by 1349/Satyricon drummer Frost, yet no music from either of his bands.So then black metal as confined to the documentary becomes entertainment, a kooky friend or neighbor, and the point is lost. There are sublime moments in the film, and scoring such long interviews from the then still imprisoned Vikernes was a rare, if fruitless and shallowly devoured feat. But ultimately, when a director takes on a subject, attempts to show it as legitimate, and just as quickly points out who directed the film about it, it’s not a documentary anymore. It becomes an overwrought commercial for a documentarian’s life.

Steve on Steve

STEVE INTERVIEWED HIMSELF AND I LISTENED Transcribed by

MARCO BELTRAN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

Steve: I think I should start this interview off by congratulating you on winning the… What did you win again? I’m so embarrassed by this. Steve: Uh. I won Best Picture, Best Actor, and was nominated for Best Comedy in this years Campus Movie Fest. This is the fourth time I tell you. God. I wish you would listen to me sometimes. Steve: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you, sir. An artist such as yourself should be treated with the greatest honor a person can be. Steve: Yeah. Well, you should be sorry. If I wasn’t such a nice guy I would totally kick the bajesus out of you all the way back to Temecula. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010

PHOTO

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

Steve: Please master, hit me. If a great man like you hit me, it would immediately make me not such a piece of shit. Steve: Hey man. Don’t cuss. My mom reads this paper. God. Steve: I’m sorry. I’m just so nervous to be around you. Let me start over. What would you say was your inspiration for your short film, Vents Jeunes? Steve: Well, it came to me in a dream. I was running in a forest of faces. I looked down because something warm rushed past my legs and I saw a friendly little rabbit with its leg caught in a bear trap. I tried to help it, but it was losing too much blood. The bunny looked up at me, tears

filling his eyes and mine as I picked him up and said “Vents Jeunes.” When I woke up, my pants were covered in semen. That’s when I knew I had to turn this into a movie. Steve: Extraordinary. Simply breathtaking. Steve: I know. I have been told I have that effect on people. Steve: When most people think about you, I think the first thing they think about is your tremendous filmmaking talent. But let’s not forget that everyone also thinks about your body. Steve: Thank you so much. You’re too kind.

Steve: It’s really nice. You are like classically handsome. Steve: Ha ha. I wouldn’t go that far. Steve: Can I, I mean... Do you think I could kiss you? I’ve always been in love with you. Steve: It wouldn’t be the first time. [Steve then proceeded to lick his arm in a sexual manner for two hours. When the stripping started, the tape ran out.] Watch Steve’s Video on Youtube by searching Vents Jeunes. Steve said it was the first video.


ENTERTAINMENT

PORTRAIT OF A BORING FAMILY THE ONLY GOOD THING WAS THE CAKE SHAKE COLLEEN BROWN & Kevin Nicholson CONTRIBUTORS

What started out as a very promising Friday evening ended in perplexed disappointment. We took some steps in the hopes that we would secure a jolly good time for ourselves: had some delicious greasy food, enjoyed some fantastic company, and topped everything off with the shitload of awesomeness that is the chocolate cake shake (They actually blended a piece of cake into the milkshake. Fuckin’ genius.) On our drive over, Kevin remarked that he was anticipating some interesting historical content in the play we were headed towards, The Lion in Winter. Colleen, however, was looking forward to some exciting character development in the show that will be running at the Long Beach Playhouse for the next five weeks. Unfortunately, neither of us felt as though our anticipations were met. The Lion in Winter is a story of a typical dysfunctional family set in the 12th century. Three brothers feud over the

soon-to-be-vacant throne of Britain, but the current king, their father Henry II, has yet to make the final decision on who is most worthy of receiving the crown. Complicating things is their long-absent and deleterious mother, Queen Eleanor. She is interested only in her own selfish gain, and enjoys nothing more than manipulating the people around her. The play was full of countless twists and turns and proceeded much like a crappy melodramatic soap opera. Most of the time, this over the top story-line was difficult to follow, and it eventually became so complicated that lots of loose ends were left untied and conflicts unresolved. You never actually find out who gets the crown. There were even a few moments that were out of place and appeared to be added in purely for shock effect. It contained a homosexual love affair between the two manliest characters that seemed to have very little relation to the plot, as well as an “I-slept-with-your-

father-and-liked-it-suck-on-that” scene that did nothing to further the storyline whatsoever, but did succeed in furthering the awkwardness we felt. But The Lion in Winter did hold our interest to a certain degree. It contained several universal themes including the importance and value of being able to trust those you love, as well as shedding light on the significance of what it means to be a loving parent. King Henry and Queen Eleanor are unmistakably in love with each other, but they also share a destructive passion for outwitting and conquering one another. They are constantly trying to one-up their counterpart, and often resort to horrific lies to achieve their ends. The lack of faith between these two ultimately results in their downfall, as well as the maltreatment of their children. Though many stories from this chivalric time period focus on the great triumphs and defeats of brave young knights, the

brothers’ main struggles in this story stem from the indifference they felt from their parents while growing up. They all have individual confrontations with their parents, and they all mutually express the feeling that they could never make their parents proud. The lack of love experienced during their childhoods led to their barbaric and caustic natures as adults. The incidents the characters face, though they occur in the 12th century, are still completely relevant today. Despite the fact that we weren’t entirely sold on The Lion in Winter, the theater was cozy and pleasant, and the audience was super responsive. One guy in front of us was breathing so loud you could have used him to guide ships through a dense fog, while a man behind us creepily whispered “wwwoooww…” in our ears every time there was a silence. Though we wouldn’t wholeheartedly recommend it, you could go see it if you’re bored or... something.

UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


MUSIC

THANKS WHAT WE’RE LISTENING TO FOR THE MERMELRIES MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN MUSIC EDITOR

There has been a little shake up at the Union office recently, and though we are all sad to see old music editor Simone Harrison gone (love you), I could not be happier to be the new music editor. Since high school, music is all I have ever been able to talk about with any confidence. Not because I felt my tastes were unquestionable or any nonsense like that, but because I felt passionately about local music. In an attempt to rekindle that passion I wanted to revisit MY local venue, Sol Art Gallery in Santa Ana. When I was 16, the coolest local band was The Moving Units, a dance-punk band from Los Angeles. One night my friends and I decided to go see the Moving Units at the House of Blues. The opening band The Bad Dudes would change my life. My friends and I were thrilled to learn that The Bad Dudes played in our area a lot, and thanks to Myspace we could all be notified about this whole new world of “local shows.” It was through The Bad Dudes that I first discovered Sol Art Gallery, We had found our place. So many of my greatest memories and most embarrassing moments happened within those hallowed walls. We always thought that the proprietor of Sol Art, Sally, was a bitch, not realizing the intense pressure she was under as a promoter, booker and owner. This relationship reached an impasse my junior year in high school when I got the courage up to order wine from the bar. For whatever reason that night I succeeded and felt like a total badass. Forget that I was drinking cheap wine and that it was not enough to get me drunk, it was the principle of the thing. I always thought she resented me for that, but for all I know she didn’t give a fuck, she had much more important shit to worry about. In high school, I was really into cough syrup (which explains my love of Lil Wayne, Black Lips and Salem) and one night I thought it would be cool to go to a show on what I thought was three times the recommended dose of codeine, which seemed like a reasonable to my young mind. Unfortunately, I was using the wrong measurement and it turned out to be 12 times the recommended dosage. Needless to say, it was a very bizarre weekend. I must have been in and out of consciousness the whole night. It wasn’t all about drugs either, I had plenty of good clean fun at Sol Art. Seeing bands that I grew to worship like The Mae Shi, The Bad Dudes, Pop Noir, Veer Right Young Pastor and many more. Lead singers had a Casio in front of them for some reason. I remember Pop Noir covered New Order’s greatest song “Temptation” and would dedicate it to me because I made out with a high school crush during one of their sets. If I have a point it’s this: regardless of age, independent venues and local music are a vital place in our lives and should be memorialized. Thanks for the memories Sol Art! If you ever want to come in and swap music or stories, I’ll be in the office.

MATT AND KIM - SIDEWALKS

W

hen Matt Johnson and Kim Schifino first stripped naked in New York City’s Time Square, their music video caught the attention of viewers world-wide, racking up more than two million views on YouTube and even winning an MTV Video Music Award in 2009 for “Lessons Learned.” Better known as Matt & Kim, the Brooklyn duo started as inexperienced musicians in 2004 and now have made it big in the indie-pop spotlight. With the recent release of their new album, Sidewalks, there’s definitely a new record (do they still even say that?) worth adding to your playlist—not to mention rising up to #4 on the iTunes top albums in the US. The album maintains an upbeat

good listen is “Block After Block,” which should get your head bobbing to the music from the start, unless your neck is in a cast, then there will be none of that. In that case, tapping of the feet is likely to occur. The album closes just as lively as the first track with “Ice Melts,” which uses the word “ceilings” in the song seven times. For the first time in their recording career, Matt & Kim had outside help to make their album from producer Ben Allen, who has worked with artists like Christina Aguilera, Gnarls Barkley, and Biggie Smalls, reports MTV. But regardless, their creativity and musical talent landed them a great album worth writing about.

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

lica song, but without the grunting and stuff. Midway into the album, especially in the song “Bees,” they start to use a mix of both real drum kits and electric drum machines. The chemistry between the drums and the bass is something that I cannot get over; it makes the album what it is. The bass plays an even bigger part in the band than the usual background funkiness. The guitar evolved from sparse, simple strumming into a string of intricate lines. If you listen to this album all the way through, the track “Baby” is a perfect break for you to digest what you have

KYLESA - SPIRAL SHADOW Kylesa is a heavy metal band that incorporates a lot of elements from different types of metal subgenres, like doom metal, psychedelic metal, and even some hardcore punk. Honestly, I was skeptical about how it might sound, but I gave in to temptation and popped it into my computer and pressed play. Their first track “Back and Forth” was a good choice for their opening song. It starts slow and steady and it is not what you’d expect from a metal band. As the track continues to run, it builds up. Then you get introduced to the greatness of what a two drummer experimental metal band offers. Track after track, it got better and bet-

CONTRIBUTOR

rhythm right off the bat, keeping an energetic and animated vibe. Then it starts to mellow out towards track seven with “Northeast,” which gives the impression of winter with the distinct sound of jingle bells in the background, but just barely. If you’re not familiar with their style of music, you’ll soon realize no guitars were used in producing their songs. Instead you’ll hear an array of synthesizers accompanied with xylophones and the occasional, horn? Though released earlier in August, “Cameras” (with its catchy “no time for cameras/ we’ll use our eyes instead/ no time for cameras we’ll be gone when we’re dead” chorus) by far seems to be the highlight of the album. Another

WARPAINT - THE FOOL I have listened to a whole bunch of albums that I really want to enjoy, but can’t fully appreciate until I listen to it a few times and allow it to grow on me. This was definitely not the case with Warpaint’s full-length album, The Fool, released by Rough Trade on October 25th. The album opens with “Set Your Arms Down,” a soothing bass line accompanied by a perfectly simple drum beat. This sound becomes intertwined with vocals and echoed guitar jabs. For some reason, the title track sounds to me like a girl version of a slow Metal-

MATTHEW GUHIT

heard so far. It is a slow, calm song with a single, folksy guitar and matching vocals. My favorite track would have to be the first song, setting the tone for the whole album. None of the other tracks quite compare to the opener, but they manage to bring a unique piece to the album. I would highly recommend this album to anyone, since it appeals to multiple types of musical preference. Listen to their earlier stuff too, it’s got a few different people in it that makes for a different experience. I really like this band. Give ’em a try.

FELIX CRUZ UNION STAFFER

ter. It is because of their fast beat songs that they deserve a place in my Zombie Apocalypse playlist. If you are looking for metal songs to carry in your iPod while you are escaping from a horde of zombies or songs to go along while you smash zombie brains into smithereens, then you, my friend, just found a goldmine. This whole album is practically dedicated to a zombie apocalypse. The titles of their songs and the songs themselves match to this given circumstance. Suppose that Cal State University Long Beach was infested with zombies and your only way to get out is through the streets, then in that case the song “Crowded Road” would be the perfect

song for that. The song starts with an instrumental guitar part, that’s when you are dodging your way through zombies in the infested street. Then the drums kick in louder than before in a rhythmic-building tension kind of way, that’s when you are surrounded by zombies. You refuse to take your last stand, so you bust out your baseball bat and rush into the zombies as the final part of the song plays. That’s when shit gets crazy. It is not just that song, the whole album is crazy good. If you are into rock or you just want to start building your zombie apocalypse playlist, then this is a good start. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


MUSIC

THANKS WHAT WE’RE LISTENING TO FOR THE MERMELRIES MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN MUSIC EDITOR

There has been a little shake up at the Union office recently, and though we are all sad to see old music editor Simone Harrison gone (love you), I could not be happier to be the new music editor. Since high school, music is all I have ever been able to talk about with any confidence. Not because I felt my tastes were unquestionable or any nonsense like that, but because I felt passionately about local music. In an attempt to rekindle that passion I wanted to revisit MY local venue, Sol Art Gallery in Santa Ana. When I was 16, the coolest local band was The Moving Units, a dance-punk band from Los Angeles. One night my friends and I decided to go see the Moving Units at the House of Blues. The opening band The Bad Dudes would change my life. My friends and I were thrilled to learn that The Bad Dudes played in our area a lot, and thanks to Myspace we could all be notified about this whole new world of “local shows.” It was through The Bad Dudes that I first discovered Sol Art Gallery, We had found our place. So many of my greatest memories and most embarrassing moments happened within those hallowed walls. We always thought that the proprietor of Sol Art, Sally, was a bitch, not realizing the intense pressure she was under as a promoter, booker and owner. This relationship reached an impasse my junior year in high school when I got the courage up to order wine from the bar. For whatever reason that night I succeeded and felt like a total badass. Forget that I was drinking cheap wine and that it was not enough to get me drunk, it was the principle of the thing. I always thought she resented me for that, but for all I know she didn’t give a fuck, she had much more important shit to worry about. In high school, I was really into cough syrup (which explains my love of Lil Wayne, Black Lips and Salem) and one night I thought it would be cool to go to a show on what I thought was three times the recommended dose of codeine, which seemed like a reasonable to my young mind. Unfortunately, I was using the wrong measurement and it turned out to be 12 times the recommended dosage. Needless to say, it was a very bizarre weekend. I must have been in and out of consciousness the whole night. It wasn’t all about drugs either, I had plenty of good clean fun at Sol Art. Seeing bands that I grew to worship like The Mae Shi, The Bad Dudes, Pop Noir, Veer Right Young Pastor and many more. Lead singers had a Casio in front of them for some reason. I remember Pop Noir covered New Order’s greatest song “Temptation” and would dedicate it to me because I made out with a high school crush during one of their sets. If I have a point it’s this: regardless of age, independent venues and local music are a vital place in our lives and should be memorialized. Thanks for the memories Sol Art! If you ever want to come in and swap music or stories, I’ll be in the office.

MATT AND KIM - SIDEWALKS

W

hen Matt Johnson and Kim Schifino first stripped naked in New York City’s Time Square, their music video caught the attention of viewers world-wide, racking up more than two million views on YouTube and even winning an MTV Video Music Award in 2009 for “Lessons Learned.” Better known as Matt & Kim, the Brooklyn duo started as inexperienced musicians in 2004 and now have made it big in the indie-pop spotlight. With the recent release of their new album, Sidewalks, there’s definitely a new record (do they still even say that?) worth adding to your playlist—not to mention rising up to #4 on the iTunes top albums in the US. The album maintains an upbeat

good listen is “Block After Block,” which should get your head bobbing to the music from the start, unless your neck is in a cast, then there will be none of that. In that case, tapping of the feet is likely to occur. The album closes just as lively as the first track with “Ice Melts,” which uses the word “ceilings” in the song seven times. For the first time in their recording career, Matt & Kim had outside help to make their album from producer Ben Allen, who has worked with artists like Christina Aguilera, Gnarls Barkley, and Biggie Smalls, reports MTV. But regardless, their creativity and musical talent landed them a great album worth writing about.

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

lica song, but without the grunting and stuff. Midway into the album, especially in the song “Bees,” they start to use a mix of both real drum kits and electric drum machines. The chemistry between the drums and the bass is something that I cannot get over; it makes the album what it is. The bass plays an even bigger part in the band than the usual background funkiness. The guitar evolved from sparse, simple strumming into a string of intricate lines. If you listen to this album all the way through, the track “Baby” is a perfect break for you to digest what you have

KYLESA - SPIRAL SHADOW Kylesa is a heavy metal band that incorporates a lot of elements from different types of metal subgenres, like doom metal, psychedelic metal, and even some hardcore punk. Honestly, I was skeptical about how it might sound, but I gave in to temptation and popped it into my computer and pressed play. Their first track “Back and Forth” was a good choice for their opening song. It starts slow and steady and it is not what you’d expect from a metal band. As the track continues to run, it builds up. Then you get introduced to the greatness of what a two drummer experimental metal band offers. Track after track, it got better and bet-

CONTRIBUTOR

rhythm right off the bat, keeping an energetic and animated vibe. Then it starts to mellow out towards track seven with “Northeast,” which gives the impression of winter with the distinct sound of jingle bells in the background, but just barely. If you’re not familiar with their style of music, you’ll soon realize no guitars were used in producing their songs. Instead you’ll hear an array of synthesizers accompanied with xylophones and the occasional, horn? Though released earlier in August, “Cameras” (with its catchy “no time for cameras/ we’ll use our eyes instead/ no time for cameras we’ll be gone when we’re dead” chorus) by far seems to be the highlight of the album. Another

WARPAINT - THE FOOL I have listened to a whole bunch of albums that I really want to enjoy, but can’t fully appreciate until I listen to it a few times and allow it to grow on me. This was definitely not the case with Warpaint’s full-length album, The Fool, released by Rough Trade on October 25th. The album opens with “Set Your Arms Down,” a soothing bass line accompanied by a perfectly simple drum beat. This sound becomes intertwined with vocals and echoed guitar jabs. For some reason, the title track sounds to me like a girl version of a slow Metal-

MATTHEW GUHIT

heard so far. It is a slow, calm song with a single, folksy guitar and matching vocals. My favorite track would have to be the first song, setting the tone for the whole album. None of the other tracks quite compare to the opener, but they manage to bring a unique piece to the album. I would highly recommend this album to anyone, since it appeals to multiple types of musical preference. Listen to their earlier stuff too, it’s got a few different people in it that makes for a different experience. I really like this band. Give ’em a try.

FELIX CRUZ UNION STAFFER

ter. It is because of their fast beat songs that they deserve a place in my Zombie Apocalypse playlist. If you are looking for metal songs to carry in your iPod while you are escaping from a horde of zombies or songs to go along while you smash zombie brains into smithereens, then you, my friend, just found a goldmine. This whole album is practically dedicated to a zombie apocalypse. The titles of their songs and the songs themselves match to this given circumstance. Suppose that Cal State University Long Beach was infested with zombies and your only way to get out is through the streets, then in that case the song “Crowded Road” would be the perfect

song for that. The song starts with an instrumental guitar part, that’s when you are dodging your way through zombies in the infested street. Then the drums kick in louder than before in a rhythmic-building tension kind of way, that’s when you are surrounded by zombies. You refuse to take your last stand, so you bust out your baseball bat and rush into the zombies as the final part of the song plays. That’s when shit gets crazy. It is not just that song, the whole album is crazy good. If you are into rock or you just want to start building your zombie apocalypse playlist, then this is a good start. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


LITERATURE

MICE BOOK YOU GOT THERE

READ MAUS INSTEAD OF YOUR HOMEWORK KATY PARKER

LITERATURE EDITOR

W

hen you’re a terrible, emptyhearted person like me, it’s hard to find things that you enjoy. When you do stumble upon something worthwhile, though, it counts for more! I was lucky enough to become acquainted with Art Spiegelman’s MAUS in the midst of a bleak, long, uneventful week at work this summer, and four months later, I still haven’t found anything new to deeply appreciate. Many people have heard of or read these two books, but in case you haven’t, it would be entirely worthwhile for you to waddle on over to the library and check it out.

MAUS is a personal documentation of the life of the author’s father, Vladek, a Polish Holocaust survivor. The story takes place sometime during the 1980’s in New York, where Art visits his father to record his account of his early life in Poland and the drastic journey into, through, and out of Auschwitz concentration camp. MAUS is non-fictional, but what distinguishes it as fascinating and unique is its presentation. The story is told in comic book format, and the characters are represented as cartoon animals. Jewish characters are drawn as mice, and German Nazis are portrayed as cats in uniform.

The style of the graphics in this book is neither comedic nor joyful. Removing characters from their human form has a very interesting effect; while it transforms the story from a recognizably “real” format, it also manages to make the atrocities of Vladek’s horrifying experiences more accessible and poignant. There are different styles of illustration used in certain parts of the work, and readers are also treated to family photos toward the end of the story. What affected me the most was the transformation of Vladek’s character and the way that Art came to understand Vladek

both as a survivor and as his father. Vladek starts out as a young, successful man in Poland and is stripped of his humanity in every thinkable way. Seeing his character develop through each tragedy of his life and realizing that these events truly occurred evokes much more thought and emotion than the simple appearance of the book might imply. It won a Pulitzer Prize. I don’t know what more you could want. Best of all, it was very quick and easy to read. I read the whole thing behind a counter at work, and you could easily do the same on campus in between classes.

PAPERLESS PRINT

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE ANOTHER RECTANGULAR SCREEN TO STARE AT ANNA KOZLOWSKI CONTRIBUTOR

While I doubt the printed word will ever go out of fashion, at least when it comes to books (sorry newspapers), there’s a more modern and connected way to partake in the pastime; it’s called the e-reader. So unless you’ve been living in a cave with Bin Laden (and even that guy has internet), you’ve probably heard about these fun little devices. So here’s a quick rundown on your options for updated, paperless reading.

THE iPAD: $499-$629 Let’s just get it out of the way. Apple is probably secretly ruling the world, so their tablet will not only let you surf the internet, e-mail, tweet, and update your Facebook status, but also use it to carry hundreds of books in something the size of a notebook. The fact that it’s not a dedicated e-reader makes it easy to consolidate all of your technological needs and stay connected. In order to actually use it as an e-reader, you’ll have to download an app,

UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010

which you can get from Barnes & Noble, Apple, or any other company. If you want 3G connectability, you’ll pay a whopping $629 along with a $20 monthly fee. And without the data plan from AT&T, you’re rather limited in what you can do with the iPad, since you need an internet connection to do pretty much everything that makes this different from any other e-reader. Furthermore, the LED screen is a bit bright and not exactly ideal for prolonged reading. At $499 or $629, it’s a bit steep compared to the average priced e-reader, so unless you’ll actually use it as something more than an e-reader, it’s not ideal. But the hipster value alone might make you consider getting one anyway.

THE KINDLE: $140-190 My profound hate for Amazon’s Kindle is deep. However, it is among the bestselling e-readers out there. So here are the pros: keyboard for easy searching, convenient forwards/backwards buttons

for both left handed and right handed people, and... I think that’s it. Cons: Not exactly the most attractive design because of the keyboard. Also, you’re stuck buying your digital books from Amazon alone. That’s really my biggest gripe with the thing. It’s a bit unfair to pigeonhole someone into buying exclusively from one company. It’s spitting in the face of our free market society. But I guess that’s the only way Amazon can insure high profits after having to slash their Kindle prices as a market reaction to the success of the Nook. You can now buy one of these at Best Buy or Target, not just online.

THE NOOK: $149-$199 For those of you who’ve gotten used to slick and attractive electronics, this one’s probably the best looking e-reader on the market. Furthermore, it has a paperlike display that makes it easy to read for long periods of time. The colored touch screen navigation bar at the bottom is

interesting, but it takes a bit of getting used to, especially if you have a touch screen phone or iPod and are used to actually touching the main screen to navigate through menus. The Nook also has some internet browsing capabilities and, best of all, a FREE 3G connection which makes it easy to buy and download new books or newspapers on the go. The Nook isn’t selling as many units as the Kindle, but its slick design and cool features have at least led to cheaper prices. You can buy one of these online, at a Best Buy, or your local Barnes & Noble. In addition, if you’re not into storing your credit card information on your reader, you can buy Barnes & Noble gift cards and use those for your purchases. So there you have it. The market’s best, most popular e-readers. Maybe buying one of these fashionable accessories will get you in the mood to read more often. At the very least, you’ll give off the impression that you read a lot.


LITERATURE

NANO-WOMAN, NANO-CRY HOW TO APPROACH NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH, BALLS OUT NOAH KELLY CAMPUS EDITOR

November is a month that holds a lot of stuff: NoShaveEmber, Novembeer, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, and the list goes on. One thing that only nerds and dorks know about though, is NaNoWriMo, officially known as National Novel Writing Month. NaNo is the silly idea that someone could spend an entire month writing a novel. Preposterous, but people try nonetheless. The ultimate goal is to write 50,000 words throughout the 30 day month, which roughly is about 1666 words a day. If this task sounds nigh impossible, it’s because it is. But, it’s only just nigh impossible, not entirely impossible. Because this isn’t an impossible task, here are some tips to keep you trucking along, or even just starting.

TIME MANAGEMENT Set aside a good two hours a day that you can just write. Don’t connect to the internet, don’t go to a coffee shop, just sit in a dark closet with a jar of fireflies for light, and write. It doesn’t matter that you are making up details about your fantastical piece of revisionist history, it doesn’t matter that you have to get the correct caliber of rifle, all that matters is that you write.

DON’T STOP WRITING The worst thing that is going to impede your goal is to edit yourself. Do not go back and edit what you’ve already written, it’s counter-productive. The pace at which you have to write does not lend itself to making sure your first sentence is gold.

MORE WRITING BY REAL HUMANS WHO GO TO SCHOOL HERE CAN YOU DO BETTER? EMAIL POETRY AND FLASH FICTION TO KATY.UNION@GMAIL.COM

WHAT OF A MAN What of a man, what of a creature, how abandonment’s whispers creep, thirsty for cavities in my love. The thirst ever growing, there, in the moonlight spattering the summer night grass, tall, flimsy, and undelightfully wavering to and fro, to and fro, spineless and mindless of the growing, of man’s dominant fate, dressed lavishly in brick, decked in tight knuckled putrid, bending and cascading through the equally decrepit vines of man’s shallow intrepidness. What of a man, what of a creature, this creature who speaks not once, but seeks more readily, its searing lips, chastening the dawn of hope, driving man down the path less forgiving,

STEVE BESSETTE STAFFER

sweltering and smoldering an inner violence, to no avail, to no grace, to no sovereign light, man acts in wrongs, doing as those do, believing to give what is due, or maybe to hide behind a wall of unearthly fear, back like a turtle, heart shielded and eyes forlorn, head straight to the sky or gazed to the ground, unwilling to push might for truth, for life, unwilling to wrestle with the creature, not ready to stand for man, to stand for unwavering truth, to build intrepid arms, to sacrifice for another’s welfare and love. What of a man, What of a creature, What of I?

Just keep writing. Editing can be accomplished after the month is over. This can go for most writing, too, even when not in a time crunch, because by the time you get to the end of your novel, you’re gonna want to change how the beginning is anyway. Why change it now?

DON’T STRESS THE NUMBERS Even if you’ve missed a few days, that’s okay. It looks completely impossible when you’re a few thousand words behind (like me), but keep in mind that the word count at the end of the month doesn’t change. You still have to hit 50,000 no matter what and if you want to take a day off, you can. Always keep that in mind even when you’re staring at your 10,000 word deficit. You still have

time, just be diligent and don’t let your lack of word count deter you from writing.

THIS IS HARD, AND THAT’S OK Don’t get angry that your novel sucks. Everyone’s does right now. This isn’t about crafting an epic masterpiece, this is about having the will and determination to actually complete something as huge as a novel. If you can weather the storm of having to write a novel in a month, you know you can finish another novel on a more preferable time scale. You might be a week late, and a lot of dollars short, but you too can get in on this monumental task of not hanging out with friends or doing your homework because you gotta hit your word count for the day. Check out www.nanowrimo.com to get yourself a profile, and get writing.

EXCERPT FROM “TRIXY’S NOTE” EMAIL KATY.UNION@GMAIL.COM FOR THE COMPLETE STORY

DANIEL PEREZ CONTRIBUTOR

“It’s Zebedee,” I say. “Interesting name, is it Latin?” Quiet interesting, I think to myself. My drink arrives and I take a quick gulp. As I look up from the table I catch Trixy pinning her hair behind her ears. Her glance tells me that she’s sorry for the inconvenience. You could have just called me. “So is it Latin?” Ted says. “Is what Latin?” “Your name, is your name Latin?” “You know what Ted, I have no freakin’ idea.” He starts to laugh, like the big laugh my uncle does on Christmas Eve after having a few drinks. “How can you not know the ori-

THE RIVER FLOWS Swift current by the river flows. Do you know the words she spoke? Dreaming cool, soft, and slow, her hands rose high up from the water’s glow, and she said, “Do you know? The river flows and flows and flows. From way up high the melted mountain’s snow, the river flows and flows.” So one night strange I wandered through, down a desert highway road, no lights for a thousand miles till I saw the stranger’s smile, and with twisted tongue

gin of your name? After all, it is your name.” “I know the origin, Ted. My parents fucked, just like I’m sure you and Trixy have done. They had me, Ted, and then decided to call me Ze-be-dee. That’s the fuckin’ origin.” “Oh boy,” he says, as he pulls Trixy in toward him. “I think I’ve struck a nerve.” “No nerve, you’ve struck something else,” I say as I look at Trixy. I throw money on the table and excuse myself through the sea of people. I’m not a mean person, even when I’ve had a couple of drinks in me, but tonight I feel pure anger.

SHANE RUSING CONTRIBUTOR

he spoke, “Do you know the river flows? And flows and flows and in the winter water’s grow, the river flows and flows.” And in the summer flowers bloom to give light to our falling doom, so I ask now, “Do you know? The river flows and flows and flows and when the sun burns through the day and brings cold night the sweetest way, will you know the river flows? Or will the door lead to unknown?” The river flows and flows and flows. UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


CULTURE

HOW TO GET DRESSED A GIRLS’ GUIDE FOR GUYS

S

CULTURE EDITOR

MAN-PANTS KATY PARKER LITERATURE EDITOR

Are you as nervous as I am about this? I don’t know what to tell you about pants. I want you to be the type of guy who knows what kind of pants to wear. If you’re not that guy, you should at least pretend to be. This is very easy to do. Stop thinking about pants so much, go to any normal store in the mall, and ask for help. All you have to do is buy a pair of dark jeans! The trick is to keep trying things on until you find something that works for you. Baggy pants will make you look short, shapeless, and frumpy. Skinny jeans only work if you’re tall with noodlish proportions. If the exact shape of your body is discernible, small children might stare in awe, but women will not. Get something dark, fitted, and flattering, and you’ll be wearing the pants in the relationship with your pants in no time. And don’t stop there! I’m not sure how credible my opinion is, since I’ve been wearing the same pair of pants for the last eight days, but I can’t think of anything (pantswise) more impressive than a man in corduroys. I’m not sure why. It’s like you’re above the system. The same goes for brown or maroon pants. I’m getting carried away here. The point is to cover yourself in a flattering way. FIT is your greatest priority. No cargo pants, no sparkled/bleached/distressed embellishment, no sweats, no problem! UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010

Illustration

FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER

A big part of a man’s wardrobe is his smell. You wear your scent and it’s a key part of completing your outfit. It can either drive the ladies wild or drive them away. The most important rule to follow is moderation. I understand that you want to have women all over you, but dousing yourself in cologne is not the way to do it. The best scent comes from just showering regularly and using deodorant. And I’m begging the world to give Axe the axe. It doesn’t smell good at all. It also seems that the only guys that wear this are trying to mask weeks of skipped showers. Next time, skip the Axe and opt for the shower! Mainly, I’d like you to smell like a man. Leave the flowery, fruity smells to us. A great standby is Old Spice. Why? It smells amazing. I think their ad campaign has me brainwashed, so every time I smell it I just think about Isaiah Mustafa. He’s the man I want you to smell like. Once you’ve perfected your scent, go for the hug test. Be sure to pick a lady that will be honest with you. If she likes what she smells she’ll never want to let go. Mission accomplished!

LEO PORTUGAL

o I’m getting ready for school and I’m trying to get dressed and I’m confused. I’ve been trying to figure out what to wear for hours and, so far, this is what I’ve decided; I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to try to accentuate my strong features. My face is alright, I think, so I’ve taken masks off the table. I’ve also missed my 8am Comic Spirit class because I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror for the last couple hours. And that’s all I’ve accomplished this morning. I’m hopeless. Or maybe I’m not hopeless! Lucky for me, I just became the culture editor a few days ago and can use my newfound powers to ask a bunch of ladies to write about how they would like to see men dress. Other Union editor perks include eating loads of leftover Halloween candy while making a newspaper with nice/fun people.

MAN-SCENTS

CHRISTINA MOTT CONTRIBUTOR

MAN-SHOES DEBORAH ROWE UNION STAFFER

Believe me, your footwear should never be overlooked. One thing that can ruin an otherwise perfectly packaged man is a pair of ripped up Vans he’s had since middle school P.E. or, worse, Crocs. As a general rule, think comfortable yet classic. Clean sneakers and casual loafers in neutral tones are your best bet. Leave your skate shoes and running shoes at home and opt for styles from Converse or the like. Socks need to be neutral or dark, preferably non-visible. Simple, right? But even with these straightforward suggestions, I know there will be some of you out there who will somehow mess it up and end up looking like a dumbass. So, here are some simple restrictions to remember. First off, never wear anything with buckles, fur, or excessive strapping. Flip flops are not to be worn past 2nd Street and/or after Labor Day, and never with socks. Athletic slip-ons are especially horrendous and are never to be worn outside the locker room. Sport specific athletic shoes are better left in their respective arenas. Ugg boots, Crocs, and anything Ed Hardy are disgusting. You’ll just end up looking like a douche. Lastly, please remember shoes do not last forever and if the bottom of the sole is half ripped off or you can see your toes through a gaping hole emerging from the head of the shoe, it’s time for a replacement.

MAN-HEADS ALISON ERNST UNION STAFFER

Hair can be a deal-breaker, whether it’s on your manly face or on top of your manly head. Scruffy guys can be adorable, but those darn goatees, mustaches, and “soul-patches” just won’t die! But the most important and critical rule to remember is that your hair should not be longer than mine. Super long hair can become almost feminine, which is bad. I am attracted to men, not girls. And look out for “No Shave November” (one of my guy-friends told me about it). Girls should brace themselves for an overwhelming number of manly men strutting their facial hair around campus. But guys, if a girl likes you well enough, she will accept both you and whatever is happening on your face. I am well aware that some of you men are attached to your facial hair, and I believe most girls will put up with bad facial hair if you are a good guy. Just bear in mind that the men in ZZ Top are not considered attractive by the majority of the female population. As far as piercings go, to each their own. I personally am not fond of excessive piercings, but I know girls who dig them. Plugs or anything else nearing that size aren’t as interesting as you’d think, as they have lost their intended shock value. I would much rather have a cleaner guy that I would not be embarrassed to introduce to my parental units.

MAN-TOPS CHRISTINA MOTT CONTRIBUTOR

Most guys choose a t-shirt instead of other “top” options. They’re easy, comfortable, and perfectly acceptable for almost every situation. Just make sure it fits. Please. Nothing too tight (nipples should not be seen), nothing too low cut (v-necks shouldn’t extend much past your sternum), and nothing too baggy. When not at the gym or beach, a man’s shoulders should be covered. Rib-baring cutouts, though, should be considered with extreme caution, even when pumping iron. Did the sides of your shirt fall off? If you wonder whether you look like a douche, you just might. All that said, nothing is more beautiful than a man in a button-up. Bear with me as I make my caveats: long-sleeved dress shirt, top button undone and sleeves rolled up to the elbow region. Pick a slimfit and leave it un-tucked. Pair it with two days of scruff and your winning smile, then sweep her off her feet. Leave shortsleeved button-ups for the middle aged 9-to-5ers of the world. Polos are a decent alternative. For outerwear, hoodies are an acceptable standby, cardigans are a viable option for the more adventurous, blazers are always nice, and I personally have always had a soft-spot for leather. Just make sure that when it’s cold or raining, you have something to offer that little lady.


COMICS

OMNIBUS

MEDIUM

CHRIS PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

POOEY CHEWIE

PJ KNEISEL UNION STAFFER

DIFFICULT

VICTOR! PERFECTO UNION STAFFER

MEDIUM

ANSWERS

DIFFICULT

YOU’RE STUCK HERE

UNION WEEKLY

8 NOVEMBER 2010


Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, palitricians to jeffbridges.grun@gmail.com, then go to hell.

Volume 67 Issue 11

Monday, November 8th, 2010

LBUNION.COM

DO SOME PUSHUPS YOU WikiLeaks Releases 200 Pages Of HANDLESS MAGGOTS Jessica’s Diary BY TEEJAY DINKLE

BY LEX DUNCAN, DRILL SERGEANT OORAH, and hello, my name is Drill Sergeant Lex Duncan, and I’m in charge of the fightingest, handlessest platoon in all of the Marines! This ragtag group of soldiers sure do have a heart of gold, but they really do push my buttons sometimes. By that I mean they literally push my buttons. It’s a long story so start listening, you non-contributing civilian piece of dogshit. Like my soldiers, I too lost my hands in the war. Life is tough without hands or balls (that story is for another time), but the support of my troops gives me hope and the drive to succeed. I lost my hands when I was on a very important artillery mission. The Head Honchos had me sit in a room and make sure none of the guns or helmets got stolen. They assured me it was a very important mission. All of a sudden, in a moment I will never forget, I heard enemy fire. I got into position and readied myself for an attack. I pulled the pin out of a grenade just to make sure I’d be ready to throw it if I needed to. The thing looked pretty complicated so I wanted to make sure I could blow someone up as soon as possible. Then, readers, is when things took a turn for the unexpected. I suddenly realized the grenade was going to ex-

plode in a matter of seconds, and worst of all, it would damage all the helmets that I was entrusted with protecting. Like any good soldier does, I put my duty to my country in front of my own body. Big mistake. I held onto my grenade super tight in hopes that it wouldn’t explode and it blew my hands off. Everyone felt sorry for me, so they gave me a cool squad of my own. Like a good Drill Sergeant, I make my squad do a ton of pushups. It’s not any easier or harder to do a pushup without hands if you’re wondering. After a while those pushups can get kind of boring for my platoon since they are so good at it, so I give them things to do. I let them send out a few of my texts by pressing the buttons with their noses and I get to yell out cool things like “you maggots are ‘shuppin like you’re textin’ your mamas!!” They love stuff like that. Or they get to fold my underpants and fancy socks that I use for mittens sometimes. ‘Tis the season. Anyway, that’s my story and I hope that it can give some inspiration to those out there with a disability that prevents them from texting. It’s hard to stay in the loop. There is hope for everyone, just find a squad like mine with strong arms and nimble noses and you should turn out all right.

After enduring a great deal of controversy from several opposing parties, WikiLeaks has announced their release of a brand new document that is sure to create a lot of buzz about its implications: over 200 pages of big sister Jessica’s diary. Sources are unable to confirm where WikiLeaks has attained this information, but many point to her younger brother, Hunter, who has been confirmed as being “a nosy brat” who “never leaves [Jessica] alone.” Information contained within the diary includes definitive proof that Jessica does, in fact, have a crush on Brad, a local heartthrob, despite his relationship with Becky. Also included is an embarrassing and sociallife-destroying story of Jessica wetting her bed at the age of 13 and trying to hide it from her parents. Hunter confirms that the following bits of information have created a great deal of giddiness and guffawing at his sister’s expense among his inner circle of friends. Hunter cannot speak on who else might see the scandalous pages

D E

K A

E L

Jessica writes in her diary. Little does she know, WikiLeaks will soon be making her diary available to the public. The colored bracelets mean she does crazy sex stuff at school.

of Jessica’s diary, choosing only to comment in order to say, “[she] will pay for the [fake spider prank].” WikiLeaks director Julian Assange was asked to comment on the situation, but he was kind of a dick about the whole thing, so we’d prefer to not report on what he said. Instead, here is a funny thing that I just thought up. I thought it might be funny if a song was called “Boner of a Lonely Fart.” When asked to comment

on the recent WikiLeaks developments, Jessica declined to comment, choosing only to utter a frustrated grunt, and stomp upstairs, which was met with an annoyed “cut it out” from her father on the couch. After so many developments, it is impossible to know what the outcome might be until school on Monday morning. Becky was quoted as texting that Jessica is “so lame,” however, it is not clear whether her text was regarding the leaked information.

INSIDE

Typo Puts Damper On National Breast Dancer Fundraiser

Adobe Creates Powerful Alliance With Rapper Petey Pablo

This week, the Breast Dancer Foundation, a nonprofit organization created to help young women pay their way through college through the art of Breast Dancing, put on a nationwide fundraiser. Unfortunately, this normally innocuous event filled with mostly single men was overrun with people trying to “do their part” and “help any way they can.” After some investigation, it became clear that these “good samaritans” were at the event due to a typo on the flyer. They thought they were attending a thing about cancer or something. Their positive attitudes and hearts full of hope brought down all of the guys there for the breast part. page BDF

In a move that is sure to revolutionize business, government, and rap music alike, the billion dollar corporation Adobe created a new marketing campaign using popular rapper Petey Pablo. For an undisclosed amount, Petey Pablo has changed his name to Petey Fablo, making his new name Petey F (PDF). Adobe and Fablo [Pablo] alike are enthusiastic that the collaboration will result in a huge gain in exposure for both parties, as well as a healthy gain in profit and dollar signs. Look out for further Adobe and Petey F collaborations in the future, including new hip-hop themed applications and Petey’s new album Photoshop, Bitch. page PDF

Caucus Turns Into Massive Boehner-fest page CBF

67.11  

Leveling The Battlefield: Understanding CSULB's Student Veterans

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