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ISSUE 67.01






Managing Editor




or those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the Union Weekly, a weekly newspaper written, photographed, illustrated and edited by the students of Cal State Long Beach. For over 30 years this publication has existed through the passive generosity of student fees, the direction provided by the employees of Associate Student Incorporated, and most importantly the hard work of the student volunteer staff that produce the paper each week. What the Union Weekly is selling is the opportunity for students to have their thoughts and opinions expressed to the rest of the student body while learning about print journalism. But that is what the Union Weekly is selling, not what it is doing. What the Union Weekly is doing, and will continue to do is something far more specific and far more drastic, and that is to pluck students from the ocean that is this commuter populated university and provide them with a meaningful and fulfilling college experience, maybe even a tolerable one.

It is too easy for students to become isolated in a university as large as CSULB. For my first four semesters I ferried myself from isolated parking lot, to distant class and then home again to placate myself with entertainment and study. I attempted to anchor myself to the school by joining various organizations on campus. Each team or club or society provided me with ample opportunity to meet new people and do different things but I felt like each one wanted me to change instead of grow. I failed to see the potential for growth in alcohol fueled, body paint covered hazing/initiation rituals just as I failed to see the growth in picketing for some inane school related issue, blown out of proportion by soon-to-be-ignored-for-therest-of-their-lives student activists. All of that is absent from the Union Weekly. The goal is total inclusion. That inclusion means acceptance. If you want to write a well-researched article about the challenging budgetary situation of CSULB, then we will accommodate you in the same way that we would if you

HOROSCOPES! CAPRICORN Capricorn, this year your sign is water rising. You’re naturally cocky and full of yourself, and you’ll find that your poop actually won’t stink. Take advantage of this and poop in places you normally wouldn’t! AQUARIUS The planets’ alignment actually looks very good for you this month, but with a very subtle hint of disarray near the seventh quadrant. Watch four reruns of Friends each day for two weeks to counteract bad mojo. PISCES The sexual tension that culminated with the coworker or close relative we talked about in the last column should finally be coming to a head remember to resist it, like I mentioned. Or don’t. You’ll be dead soon. ARIES You’ve always been a bit of a badass, but this month you really need to keep that shit zipped, understood? Stop raising your hand in class. Stop volunteering at the old folks’ home. You have tattoos. Act like it. Sit in the back with sunglasses on. UNION WEEKLY

30 AUGUST 2010

Managing Editor


wanted to write an article about your abject hatred of seeing-eye dogs. The subject matter only matters so much, and greater focus is put on how things are written than what is written. The real point is that a student is communicating to other students, and when has less communication ever benefited anyone outside of a war? The scope of the Union Weekly is not limited to writing, we are always in need of photographers and illustrators, but encourage anyone, regardless of the specificity of their talent, to come and contribute. We have weekly staff meetings on Fridays at 2pm in the Union Weekly office, located between the Police Station and the Wells Fargo branch in the USU Courtyard. In the meantime be sure to read this issue’s feature on how to make $10 dollars last all day in Long Beach. It’s well-written and nearly every member of the editorial staff contributed to it. If you’re a freshman it can act as a cheap guide to get you off of campus and around the city of Long Beach.

Opinions Editor


Campus Director


Literature Editor & PR



Entertainment Editor & PR Music Editor & PR


Comics Editor



Actor, Grunion Editor


Art Director/Cover


Head Illustrator


On-Campus Distribution



Advertising Executive



TAURUS You need to keep writing those letters to Whitney Houston pleading her to stop smoking “poor people drugs.” Make sure you’re listening to the soundtrack to The Bodyguard when you do so, and wear only red. GEMINI My crystal placement suggests that you need to seriously avoid dogs this month. Best give up that garlic diet we talked about too. Avoid the letters R, Q and T as much as you can, and take a chance on something you’ve never done before! CANCER You’ve been thinking a lot about making a big decision, but your spiritguides are saying no. Don’t listen to them. They’re dead, and they obviously fucked up along the way to end up dead. Stupid dead spirits with nothing better to do then criticize you? Fuck that shit. LEO You’re prone to not reading horoscopes, and this month you’ll continue that inclination. VIRGO You’re always the sensitive one, why? You’ve never gotten anywhere being the


“fat friend.” So shut up. You’re going to have the chance to really slut it up and not suffer any consequences. Do it. Nobody pays attention to you, anyway. LIBRA You’re obviously a sign that likes to read a lot. You’re going to get a papercut if you keep reading as much as you do. And that’s not even your horoscope, that’s just statistics, I guess. But try harder at work this month. You’ve been underperforming. That’s your horoscope. SCORPIO This month you’ll be introduced to a girl named Déjà Vu who you’ll feel you’ve met before. Your brain will then fold in on itself and you’ll cease to exist. Also, watch out for cats in the road. SAGITTARIUS You get off relatively easy this month, Sagittarius. The stars are smiling upon your spirit-guides, and as everyone knows, your spirit-guides keep your love cycles in an upswing. Idiot. So tempt fate! Defy the Gods (Greek, Roman, Norse, Wiccan, tell ‘em all to fuck off a cliff). Play the lottery. Run red lights. Drive a go-cart drunk. Throw up on a buffet. Really, have at it.


Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : WEB : Ask Away!

Finished the paper but still have questions or comments? Send them to the editor at!






elcome back to school, guys. I like you already, because if you’re reading this that means you picked up a Union Weekly. If you’re an old friend of the paper then you already know what kind of crazy shit can be found within the ever-witty pages of the Union. If you’re new to it, let me explain a little about what this paper can do for you. In the beginning of last year’s fall semester, when I was a wee little freshman, my jaw dropped to the ground when I opened my first edition of the Union and saw the word “fuck” in a news article. I didn’t understand how a school paper could possibly get away with that kind of sass. I thought the staff must surely be full of rebellious hipsters. While I wasn’t too


far off with this initial perception, I soon found that these rebellious hipsters were some of the most hilarious people I’d ever come across. I couldn’t believe these people were writing about furloughs, winner of last year’s “Most Fucking Annoying Word of the Year” award, and I was actually laughing. With the new stress of college midterms and a mountain of painstaking GEs, the faceless editors and staff of the Union Weekly became my best friends. Their satire and mid-article fart jokes could always put a smile on my face, even after those thirteenhour study sessions that made me want to jump off the library’s roof. It was comforting to me to find a group of people that had some talent, dedication, and intelligence in this damned commuter school, where these

qualities are far too often overlooked. About three-quarters of the way through this tedious first semester, I somehow mustered my courage and decided to enter the pirate lair of the Union office. I was scared utterly shitless, to be honest, but in a rare act of extroversion I managed to tap the nearest editor on the shoulder and ask if he needed anything written for that week. Luckily he did, and the next thing I knew, I was looking at my name in print above a pretty little article. Really, it was as simple as that. I wrote something, and the whole campus was instantly reading it. Now, as an editor, and I get to help other people get addicted to seeing their name in print too. Believe it or not, it can be that easy for you too. Whether you like to write, draw, read, do

graphics, hang out, tell jokes, listen to jokes, fuck around, eat stale croissants, play Call of Duty, or do whatever it is you do when you’re sitting on your bed alone wishing you had people to hang out with, the Union could be the place for you. There’s something for everyone. And while these people writing the articles you’re about to read might seem a little out there, they really aren’t all that bad. So whether you end up writing or drawing for the paper or not, I hope you find this year’s Union as comical and consoling as I did in the past. When you’re collapsed on the upper campus field later this semester, sobbing with your tearstained face in the soil, put down the 49er you’re about to slit your wrists with and pick up a Union. It’s the best medicine for any bad day.


Here is my cautionary tale. If you come from a nice home, if you have a comforting and generous mom or pet waiting for you every evening, and if you generally prefer for your food to taste how it was intended to taste, don’t move out! Don’t leave home. Take the Emily Dickinson route and don’t even go outdoors. I know that a person my age should be entirely jazzed about the experience of a first apartment. And I will preface these opinions by stating that I am enjoying mine so far. I live with two of my good friends in a comfortable place close to school. I’m not looking to go back home. But this newfound independence comes at a price!



30 AUGUST 2010

The glamour quickly dissipates. The fridge smells weird. The preserved whiteness of the carpet directly affects your heart rate. Home has furniture that matches other furniture. Home has people who don’t need to barf in your toilet. Home has a mom who will throw bowls of macaroni at you every time you so much as blink. Why not enjoy this for a while? How many given years of your life can you reasonably expect to be so simple? You’ve got the rest of your life to be self-sufficient and lonely. My roommates and I have set off our fire alarm at least eight times. We’ve nearly melted the handle off of a saucepan. We’ve burnt the

label off of the bottom of another saucepan. We’ve left the oven on overnight. Part of the outer layer of the stovetop has been burnt away, which I didn’t know was possible. If this much conflict can occur within the four square feet surrounding an electric stove, you can only imagine the possibilities for disaster in an entire five rooms. In an apartment, you have to walk into the room prepared to be nice to people. I’m not sure how challenging this is to the average person, but I see it as a human need to be unfriendly and incommunicative for at least a portion of every day. Suppressing this need eats away at your internal organs.

Living on your own will also quickly remind you of how expensive it is to be a human. By this time next week, I will have paid for water and gas, trash services, cable and internet, rent, textbooks, and groceries. For the next week, mere existence is going to cost me about $6.98 per hour. It’s impossible to operate a cash register impressively enough to meet the cost of living. I should probably quit complaining, because things could be much worse. I have a roof, a bed, and a family to visit when I run out of Poptarts. I just think that a nice home is something that goes underappreciated until it’s gone.





First things first, I am gay and proud of it. I welcome any responses, questions, or challenges that statement might bring to me and this column. While I am proud of my life, as well as my sexuality, I have some major issues with the gay culture and the way it is portrayed, both by media, popular culture, and fellow homosexuals. Yes, I like Lady Gaga and am addicted to America‘s Next Top Model. However, I also drink beer and watch football, don’t believe you have to work out ten times a week to be attractive, and will honestly leave karaoke if another gay sings a show tune or ballad. I am a helpless romantic. I do believe in true love but have yet to find it. I also don’t believe I need a legal piece of paper to prove the merit of any loving relationship I might end up in. Some perspective: as a gay male I am attracted to masculine men. This might be the reason I prefer straight bars and have mostly straight friends. Though this could be to the detriment of my love life, it is simply what I prefer. I have been lucky in my life thus far. I have met little resistance, received a lot of support, and have, in sum, had a pretty good life. I know many fellow LGBT family members have not had that same experience, and I feel sympathy and compassion towards them. This column is meant to inspire students and readers to explore themselves and their opinions and biases. I want to know what you think and feel and why you think or feel that way. One of my intentions is to advise females on the way straight guys think. Most of my guy friends are straight, so I know the way they operate pretty well. Likewise, straight men, if anyone knows females well, it is a gay male, so ask away. Furthermore, I want to embrace my role as a member of the LGBT community by offering a new and different perspective in the face of adversity. Bringing to the forefront issues facing us on a regular basis, I want to encourage you to write in and give us your perspective, regardless of your stance. But, most of all, this column is to give to you--the campus—and everyone else, anything that might help you personally. I also hope to open minds while providing myself with some much-needed introspection. I have been through it all, and if I can give back in any way, shape, or form in my final year here at Cal State Long Beach, my mission is complete. Feel free to write me whether it is for advice, a disagreement, or if you are looking for a date. Yours truly, Union Weekly’s Anti-Gay Gay Guy


In the summer haze of boredom, I found myself watching more than a few of Tyra Banks’ talk shows. I now have more useless fashion advice than I know what to do with, but one episode stood out, adrift in the sea of shows about cosmetics. It centered on the issue of whether a woman has to be in a serious relationship to be happy, or if she can find fulfillment being single. I started watching it right when someone was saying that women were ordained to serve men, and if a woman was choosing to be single she was clearly a selfish person, or not “woman enough” to hold onto a man. And naturally, there was no way she could be happy if she was sans a man. Few things have infuriated me more than that statement. I can’t believe that 100 years after women earned their right to vote there are still people who think a woman needs to be attached to a man to have a fulfilling life. I’ll tell you right now that I’ve been single and happy for 18 years. I’ve dated guys here and there, but nothing came even remotely close to a serious relationship. And I was never aware that this was a problem until about a month before my high school graduation when some friends approached me to see if I would be “okay” graduating without ever having had a “real boyfriend.” And should they start helping me “look around?” I don’t even think I answered them because I was so shocked that they could even consider asking me that. They were implying that because I was single, I was unhappy. In fact, I’ve chosen to remain unattached because it has made me happier thus far in life. I’ve grown up as a performer, and I worked professionally all through high school as one. I’ve gotten to travel extensively singing and dancing, and I’ve been working as the voice of Lucy Van Pelt for Knott’s Berry Farm Entertainment since I was twelve. Now I’m not saying it would have been impossible to achieve the things

I’ve experienced had I had a boyfriend, but it would have undoubtedly been more difficult. I personally believe that in order to have a successful relationship you have to invest quite a bit of time in that person. It’s not time I’ve had and I haven’t been willing to look for it. And surprise, it’s not because I’m selfish or can’t hold onto a man. It just isn’t where I’ve found my happiness. I find fulfillment in the work that I do. I love to do the things I love, and I value my independence. To say that I’m merely meant to serve a man, or anyone for that matter, pretty much just makes me want to deck you. On the other side of things, I think it’s perfectly fine if a guy or a girl does find enjoyment in searching for a soulmate. Like I mentioned above, I think it’s possible that it can hinder your career endeavors in some way, but you trade it for the experience of falling in love or potentially having a family with the best person you’ve ever known. And honestly, it may not hinder your life plans at all; some lucky people find a partner that enhances their life in a way that they wouldn’t achieve were they single. Talking with my friend the other day, I thought he put it excellently when he said, “I think there are certain times in your life, certain moments, where opportunities will arise that force you to choose between the person you’re attached to and an opportunity. Being attached closes as many doors as it opens.” For me, I’ve been more interested in the opportunities that come with being unattached. But in no way do I think staying single is the secret to happiness, because it’s not. If I end up falling in love with someone, that’s great, and I’ll pursue that when the time comes. But finding a boyfriend or a husband just isn’t my main goal in life, nor does it have to be. Happiness is different for different people, and that woman on the Tyra Banks Show can suck it.


For most people, the first day of school is like New Year’s Day. You start with a big set of resolutions that are impossible to accomplish: being on time to class, not skipping class, eliminating procrastination, joining clubs without being such a wuss about walking into the meetings. Maybe this semester you’ll make a friend or you’ll ace all your classes. Yet for me, it’s about leaving the roach-infested hole in the wall I’ve been living in for the past six weeks and spending most of my time studying under a tree sipping soda from a Carl’s Jr. cup. If anything, school is my vacation from the stuff I deal with at home: my bitchy sisters eating my food, my mom nagging about chores, my brother coming home drunk all the time, my stupid boyfriend texting me every moment of the day about the stupid things he thinks of. That’s what I enjoy about school. It’s relaxing. The best part is that I can skip class without anyone noticing or even caring. I can miss weeks at a time, and no one would care. I can just go anywhere I want, even to the first floor of the Student Union

to catch up on TBS shows while the air-conditioned breeze dries the sweat from my forehead. Sometimes I just show up to campus, pull out my laptop and watch people briskly walk to their classes. I am ready for school. I need a different kind of stress to give me hives. My car is yearning for a stop at the “Beach.” The moment I exit the 405 Freeway on Bellflower I know that I’m back to the place where I belong, a place where everyone is leaving another life behind. I enjoy the first-week-of-school rush of choosing a permanent seat for the semester while perusing through the books that I plan on reading so dutifully until it strikes me that I rather watch the third rebroadcast of TMZ. I need to break out of this routine and start a new one for the next couple of months. The only thing that I am not looking forward to is that “hippie” guy and his crappy paintings. Does he have no life? He can choke on a piece of shit and the world would be a happier place. UNION WEEKLY

30 AUGUST 2010





reetings, new and old Union readers. You might be wondering what this new fangled section called Campus is all about. Well, to really explain what the Campus section is, I have to tell you what the Campus section was going to be and what the Campus section is not going to be. When I first received my editor position on the paper, my Editor-in-Chief, Kevin, pitched me two ideas. First idea was “Crampus,” which was a going to be a two page spread dedicated to womanly issues, charlie horses, a shitty horror punk band, anything cramp-related, but I said “No, no way Mr. EIC, I cannot abide.” His next idea was for me to run a two page section called “Clampus,” which was going to be dedicated entirely to clamps, industrial, nipple, Futurama character, and other things completely unrelated to the Union and the school in general. This time, however, I was ready for more than just rabid refusal of Kevin’s ideas. This time, I countered with the “Campus” page. Which would be a twopage section dedicated to you, you loyal reader, you! And your school. So what is the Campus page? Well, what the Campus page isn’t is a place to bitch about parking, stupidlyspaced steps, finicky financial aid fuckups, and the Nugget not pouring beer before 11am. Well, there might be a little


bitching about that, but no, you will find none of that trite bullshit on these pages, no siree. What you will find here is also what we happened to lose this year on the paper. If you are a reader from last year, you might have noticed that News, Sports and Creative Arts are no longer sections in our paper, and that’s where I come in (for the most part). Everything on these pages is going to be for students, by students, and most importantly the cool shit you had no idea existed on Campus. That’s my job. To make sure that you make the most of this year, and hopefully your subsequent years on this schools cursed Indian burial ground. You are going to see interesting sports write-ups, more-than-skin-deep interviews, awesome upcoming events and

a deeper connection to the school you take classes at. I want you the, student, to feel as though this school is more than just another time clock to punch. I want you to feel as though this school can cater to your interests, and I want to make sure that you understand that this school can become part of the best times of your young adult life, even if this was your safety school or if you’re here because you’re fucking broke (like most of us). So I hope you like this section, I hope you like this paper, and I hope you’ll find it in your angsty, black heart to like this school, because it’s really all for you. All of it, every bit of it, every last little drop of of it. So keep reading, jerkbags, you might find something cool, even if by accident.


Getting To School Arriving to campus on time can be an ordeal in its own right, especially if you’re one of those privileged kids with a stupid car. And if you are, well you’re shit out of luck because I won’t help you. Only getting up early and getting to school way too early is going to help you find a parking spot. However, if you feel as though you want to forgo a traditional set of wheels, there are other ways of getting into campus for locals and cheapskate drivers. Going through the LB transit system,


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GETTING YOUR SHIT AROUND One of the biggest concerns for new students: how the hell do you get to school? How the hell do you get around school, especially with a spread out campus like CSULB.


which with the U-Pass system is free to students, might be the most efficient way of getting onto campus. The 90s (91, 92, 93, 94, 96), 171, and the D line each drop students off in front of Brotman Hall and the dorms. Buses 81 and 173 drop off close enough for walking distance. However if you get the bright idea to park in a neighborhood around campus and catch a bus in, you’ll probably get a ticket. Parking services loves giving tickets, it’s what funds our cool stuff like U-Pass. There is also an off-campus shuttle (RLC) that will pick up along Bellflower, Atherton, Ximeno, PCH and Clark. Your other alternative is to get a bike, and who the hell wants to do that? You’ll never catch my cool ass riding a bike around campus. Unless I’m trying to crash into the Literature editor.

Getting Around Going from one end of the campus to another can be a chore if you’re just walking. That’s why there are shuttles! Three shuttles push you around campus: the East, West and All Campus Tripper. The All Campus circumnavigates CSULB from Earl Warren to Palo Verde, and 7th street to just south of Atherton. The East and West shuttles both take half of the All Campus Tripper’s route, their cardinal directions respectively. Even though these shuttles run every few minutes, you might need to get yourself from the Language Arts buildings to the SSPA buildings, and a shuttle won’t help your ass at all. So instead of funneling yourself onto the crowded Friendship Walk, light up a cigarette and use the smoker’s only shortcut: the grass.

Hey Sandy Butts, (get it? Cause sand goes into your butt at the beach and you have to wash it out, but you never get all of it, so when you poop it comes out with sand and everyone thinks you have some weird sand-related fetish where you clench your butt on a pile of sand while combing honey into your hair and yelling “Can I come out of the washing machine, mommy?”) it’s the first week of school! I am not ready for this semester. I said I was going to try to watch every episode of The X-Files by the time summer ended, but I still need a season to finish! Oh well. I think if I spend the first day of school watching season 9 instead of listening to my instructors rant about the syllabus I should be fine. A little advice to the freshmen: I can smell you. All of you have that new clothes smell. YOU’RE USING UP ALL MY AIR! Here are your events for the week.

Department of Art presents GLAMFA exhibition from 12PM - 5PM at art galleries located between FA2 and FA3. Look for the big, white rocks stacked on blocks of wood. For further information, call (562) 9854376 or visit and click on the events tab. It’s something to do during your 2-3 hour breaks, freshmen.

Go let’s SPORTS teams and On-Campus SPORTing events! Friday the 3rd Women’s Soccer vs. Utah State at 4:30PM in George Allen Field. Sunday the 5th Women’s Soccer vs. Sacramento State at 1PM in George Allen Field. For further information and ticket information call (562) 985-4949. I’ve never been to a sporting event on campus, but I hate Utah and anything associated with Utah. I’m looking forward to the Women’s Soccer team winning 1000 points to 2.

Next Monday is Labor Day. I plan using that day to think about doing my homework or just drinking milk. Or dig a hole in my front yard to bury myself in and regret drinking milk because I’m lactose intolerant.

The best days of the fall semester will be September 8th and 9th because the Program Council is bringing Toy Story 3 to the Student Theater. The toys are back in tow-awow-wown. I really wish school started after Toy Story.




GO BEACH! These two words serve as the official motto of CSULB as well as my most cherished phrase. Traditionally it is used at the end of speeches, emails and any other public addresses students, faculty, staff, and administration choose to make. It seemed fitting to begin this message with the end in mind, as the best results can only come when we see the year as it truly is... brief, exciting and memorable. My name is James Ahumada and I am the President & C.E.O. of the Associated Students, Inc. here at CSULB. My fellow executive officers and I have been working extensively since our inauguration and assumption into office on June 1st and I must say that there has not been such a momentous year for this campus since the opening of the University Student Union back in the 1970s. This year the ASI Team has laid out five main objectives: Voter registration & mobilization, effective & diverse publicity of the Student Recreation and Wellness Center (SRWC), sustainability initiatives through transportation and power usage, improving communication between all campus entities and continuing to ensure shared governance so that all students succeed academically. We will be accomplishing our objectives in a variety of ways, everything from informing the student body of the pressing issues facing Californians in November, to hosting a variety of interactive events such as Week of Welcome (WOW) to promote student involvement in clubs and organizations. ASI looks to help you find your place here at The Beach, whether it be writing for the Union Weekly, hosting a radio show with KBeach, or getting to know the different branches of student government by joining the ASI Freshman Orientation Program known as Beach Team. To get involved and find your place, please contact the ASI office in USU 311 at (562) 985-5241 or via email at I look forward to serving as your Associated Students President this year and to meeting all the new and returning students as the year progresses! As always Go ASI! & GO BEACH!

The unranked women’s volleyball team went up against #25 ranked St. Mary’s in Saturday’s very evenly matched game. The women’s volleyball team not only closed out St. Mary’s, but also won each game in the Long Beach State Baden Classic series against Sacred Heart, UNLV and Rutgers. St. Mary’s, however, was by far the toughest challenge the women’s team faced this entire weekend. After soundly trouncing Sacred Heart earlier in the day, the 49ers headed back onto the court to face St. Mary’s, which was the only ranked team in the series. Throughout the best of 5 series (which the 49ers won, 3-2), the score was tied 39 different times, and the lead changed over in a dozen separate instances. The 49ers and St. Mary’s traded wins for the first 4 sets before

Long Beach decidedly ended the short 5th set, 15-7. Leading the scoring charts was #1 Caitlin Ledoux, who was also named MVP of the entire Baden Classic series. Behind Ledoux was Haleigh Hampton with 28 points. The most awe-invoking aspect of the game was the fact that the 49ers sported 3 true freshmen on their 9-person playing roster. One freshman, Haleigh Hampton, handled her own at the net throughout all 5 sets against St. Mary’s, earning herself 21 kills, 2 solo blocks and 10 block assists. She outnumbered her team in block assists 2-1, which despite her 6’7” height advantage, as a freshman is incredibly impressive. Rounding out the freshmen triforce is Ashley Vazquez and Delainey AignerSwesey. While the stat sheet might not flout the skill of Vazquez or Aigner-

#8 Haleigh Hampton

#4 Laura Schuck

Swesey, their presence on the court was undeniable in person. If you were to assign each one a nerdy Zelda reference, I’d go with Hampton for the Triforce of Power for her ferocity, Vazquez the Triforce of Courage for her admirable diving saves and Aigner-Swesey the Triforce of Wisdom for knowing where to be at the right time. For a program who has won 5 national titles (the current leader in number of wins is Stanford with 6) the 49ers are a young team with a lot of talent and potential. With their victory over St. Mary’s Saturday the 49ers are in prime position to move up into the top 25 in the country. Their next bout is against Florida A&M in the godforsaken state of Texas, so don’t expect any amateur and terrible action photographs from that event.

#21 Ashley Vazquez

#8 Haleigh Hampton

#21 Ashley Vazquez UNION WEEKLY

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MORNING Sleep ~$0 Just fucking sleep. Jesus Christ, you don’t always have to have something to spend money on at all times of the day. You probably have a class to be in anyway. ALAN SMITHEE

Breakfast Biscuits at Whole Foods ~$3 Normally I wouldn’t include such a well known place, but the Breakfast Biscuits are worth shouting about. These breakfast marvels are stuffed to the brim with bacon, eggs, cheese in between two delicious warm biscuits. 6550 East Pacific Coast Highway





onsider the situation. How many people get to be college students in the midst of an economic collapse? How often does it become reasonable to wash your underwear with dish soap in the kitchen sink? To pour milk over 99-cent beans for breakfast? To eat ice cubes instead of dinner? These times build character, and you’re lucky if you’ve got more dollars in your bank account than toes on your feet. That’s ten toes. Ten dollars. We’ve collaborated to provide you with the insight, the chops necessary to have fun in Long Beach with maximum efficiency. Check out this chart. It’s like a puzzle, but with your life. Take a ten, and then using our handy, colorcoded guide, plan out a day of fun and frugality. Mix and match each activity for a day that’s tailored to your interests and budget. You’ll have something to do no matter what time of day it is. You’ll be savUNION WEEKLY

30 AUGUST 2010

ing money at all hours. Much like a shark will die if it stops swimming, you will die from starvation if you stop saving. What more could a borderline-homeless student ask for? You might even end up with some money left over. Buy some saltwater taffy or a hot pocket or two! Why not? It’s college. Live it up. Grow a beard. This way, you can save your getrich-quick schemes for another day. Sell out to the Man next week. Stop trying to rig that contest at Subway where you get free iPods and Kindles on your sandwich instead of meat. Or maybe I dreamt that. Regardless, this week, the Union has your back. Don’t say we don’t ever do anything for you. Some facts: Alexander Hamilton was killed in a duel. He is also on the ten-dollar bill. If you have a ten-dollar bill, this article is for you. Don’t let Alexander Hamilton die in vain. Avenge his death by having a ton of fun with a ten.


The Library ~$1 Not the public library, knucklehead! The coffee shop! Head over to Broadway and Redondo for a dim, cozy, and aromatic constitutional at this dollar bookstore and cheap coffee. All of the books, while not new in any sense of the word, are $1 and the coffee will set you back another $1.50, with $.50 refills. For $3 you can settle into a comfy couch, read a used up Tom Clancy novel and sip on some good, fresh brewed coffee. 3412 East Broadway NOAH KELLY

KEY ~$0 ~$1 ~$2 ~$3

Jongewaard’s ½ off day old pie ~$2 Obsessive-compulsive Long Beach eaters need not apply, but for the rest of us there is Jongewaard’s. Half off a slice of pie, day old or not, is insane. That Jongewaard’s pie is actually good is almost unnecessary. Use the extra money saved on a coffee or an orange juice and take it easy. 3697 Atlantic Avenue


Simone’s Donuts ~$3 For you poor saps with 8am classes, the closest place to relax and wake up happens to be one of the best donut shops around. Simone’s Donuts, across the street from Taco Bell on the corner of Stearns and Palo Verde, has a wide array of morning pastries to cure any hangover or case of the Mondays. My personal favorite is the light and fluffy French crueler with chocolate icing, or their unique twisted maple bars. Go in for a bite and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Simone’s can keep their prices low as a family owned business, so you can get two delicious donuts and a small cup of coffee for only three bucks. Or you can go to the biker’s bar next door and get hammered before class, whatever you’re into. 6400 E Stearns St


Esspresso at Bogart’s ~$2 One of my favorite things to do is head down to Main Street in Seal Beach, grab a double espresso from Bogart’s, and stare out at the beach. The coffee is good, but the people watching is even better. Plus they have stamp cards, so that $2 really bought you 1 and 1 tenth of a drink! 905 Ocean Avenue


Swear Jar ~$1 Had to put a dollar in the Swear Jar because I said, “fuck” in front of my mom.




Ginzaya ~$1

Beans and Rice @ Hole Mole ~$1

Wokcano Happy Hour ~$3

Del Taco ~$1

Trying to get bombed on your lunch hour? Look no further than Ginzaya, they do dollar sake shots and dollar sushi. Happy hour (2:30-5pm) will definitely be happy hour for just $3. Mix and match a shot and 2 sushi rolls, or 2 shots and a light snack, or just go all out, slam 3 shots and get the hell back to work before your stupid boss figures out that you’re not actually in the bathroom.

You could wait for taco Tuesday to get your Holé Molé on, but that only gives you 1/7th of the week to enjoy cheap eats mecca Holé Molé. If you are exceptionally strapped for cash then you gotta get the dollar plate of beans and rice. Its nothing fancy but it is classic. To really stretch that dollar, load up on pico de gallo, salsa, fried peppers, and radishes, you wont believe that it only cost 89¢ plus tax.

4218 Woodruff Avenue

5109 East Pacific Coast Highway 421 Obispo Avenue 1327 East 4th Street

Get on over to Wokcano during the hours of 4-7 to enjoy their “happy hour,” which boasts some of the cheapest sushi and drinks in town, some items as low as 3 dollars. Even though it’s cheap, there’s no sacrifice in quality or quantity, and a couple dishes from the happy hour menu should be enough to satisfy even a big eater. Take a date or have a sushi night with friends. Or just go alone, I bet no one will even notice.

Let’s say you’re stoned and it’s 3am. You’re starving, but there’s nothing in your fridge because your weed habit has dwindled your bank account down to 39 cents. Never fear because not only is Del Taco open all night, but their new tacos are only a whopping 39 cents. Now this is probably old news to most of you, but the next time you’re in Dimension X and can’t afford quality snacks, go get some cheap tacos and thank me later.

199 The Promenade North

2201 Palo Verde Avenue


The Aquabus ~$2 I don’t know why I’ve never heard of this. The Aquabus is part of the Long Beach Transit system and is a water taxi that makes stops around the general area of the Long Beach Harbor during the summer (until September 12). For one dollar you can enjoy an open-air boat ride to and/ or from the Queen Mary, the aquarium, Shoreline Village, and other fun spots. You might want to bring another dollar for the ride back.


Chronic Taco ~$3 You might be thinking, hold your shit, there’s no way you can get anything worth a damn at some corporate establishment in Long Beach. But, the locally owned Chronic Taco on Bellflower and Stearns has a great meal deal. Two fatty potato tacos, loaded with whatever you want on them, chips and salsa and a drink for 3 bucks and some homeless person change. That and the Brave New World soda fountain they’ve got can make your Coke Raspberry, or Orange if you’re weird. 5525 E Stearns St


CD from dollar bin at Finger Prints ~$1 Walking around Long Beach’s beloved record store is enough entertainment as is, but once you have perused the used vinyl and new releases, you can take a musical gamble and pick something up from the dollar bin. Then when you get home, you can put your music journalist cap on and review the thing. If nothing else it will be worth the augh. 4612 East 2nd Street



Public Library Bookstore ~$2 It seems like most people shop for reading material at their local independant book store, at large chains like Barnes and Noble, or they just save themselves the trouble and don’t read. There is an alternative: most public libraries have bookstores on site where they sell used texts for almost as cheap as stealing. Why not just borrow a book for free since you’re already in the library? I will answer your hypothetical question with another question: then how will people know you’ve read it?


Sweet Embellishments ~$3 With cupcakes replacing frozen yogurt as the new girly schoolgirl teenager trend, it’s understandable to be a little skeptical of a recently opened dessert shop. Thankfully, at least one of these shops actually delivers. Sweet Embellishments is a small shop hidden behind the Target shopping center on Bellflower, on the other side of Deli News. They have delicious desserts with creative flavor options, like Green Tea and Pink Lemonade cupcakes or S’mores and Kiwi Drizzle cheesecake. All your favorite board games are sitting on the shop’s tables so you can play while you wait. You can take your hot date to this place and get two desserts for only $3. 5555 Stearns Street


Two Scoop Ice Cream Cone at Rite Aid ~$2 Sure, Rite Aid is a chain and not much of a secret, but the fact remains: the place is cheap and tasty. I almost always go for a scoop of chocolate malted crunch and a scoop of butter pecan, and it’s always the best thing.



Belmont Brewing Co. ~$3

Movies at CSULB ~$2

Visit during happy hour and buy a pint of “Long Beach Crude,” an award-winning house beer described as “not for the weak at heart,” “a Stout that is pitch black with a rich, complex, malty flavor and a creamy, roasty finish.” Belmont Brewing Company is located right on the beach, next to the Belmont Pier.

Slow night? Try going to CSULB’s theater in the student union to enjoy a super cheap movie for only two dollars. Most of the movies are already out of theaters, but it’s helpful if you want to see a movie again, or catch one you missed. Also, try taking a date to a movie and get in on all that sex that college students supposedly have. Also look out for free screenings that pop up on campus every once in a while. Not only are they free, but also you get to see the movie before all the chumps who don’t go to college.

25 - 39th Place


Long Beach Art Museum ~$0 Our city’s very own art museum sits on the sea’s side of Ocean and Junipero. Admission to the gallery is usually $7, but thanks to the Los Angeles County Arts Commission, Fridays at the museum are free. It’s a great place to wind down from a week of classes, or stop by on a walk down the beach. The museum’s open from 11am to 5pm, so you have plenty of time to make it to the shore and take a gander at our local art hub. 2300 East Ocean Boulevard


Out of the Closet ~$0


Fern’s Dollar Beer Night ~$1 On Tuesdays and Wednesdays Fern’s Cocktails has draft beer for a buck. Sure other bars offer similar deals, but Fern’s is big enough to accommodate you and your buddies, and plays great music. Scoop up all the change you can find and drink up. 1253 East 4th Street


College Tuition ~$2400 per semester

This store is part of a chain of popular Californian thrift shops owned and operated by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. Business from the stores helps the organization with funding to provide the free health services the foundation offers. A select number of locations, including the Long Beach store, offer free HIV testing and counseling directly out of the store. Maintain your precious indie-cred AND your sexual health, all in one trip!

College is a cool place to do all sorts of fun things. Wanna make friends? There are literally thousands of people here with the exact same interests as you such as: sleeping, having fun, and confusing Bob Marley with Jimi Hendrix. Head on over to a class once in a while and you just might learn something! If it’s boring you can just not go. Nobody can stop you because the #1 rule of college is: anything goes. Oh wait how did this get here. This costs too much. Don’t read this.

3500 E Pacific Coast Hwy




30 AUGUST 2010


TUBE TWISTED Review of “The Clean House” Colleen Brown UNION STAFFER


had to pull over while driving home from seeing “The Clean House” at the International City Theater in downtown Long Beach, “Clean House.” It was impossible to see the road through my tears of laughter and half-closed eyes. The play was excellent. Even now, hours after the comedy has come to a close, my friend and I are still cracking up. One would think that a play about “four markedly different, yet intimately connected women” could end up as a shallow amalgamation of female gossip scenes, but “The Clean House” was a refreshingly humorous take on female lives and relationships. The play, which opened on August 27 for a four-week run, centers on Lane, a doctor who leads a successful life, but cannot get her maid to clean the house. The maid, Matilde, refuses to clean because she’d rather spend her time trying to discover the perfect joke. When Lane’s neurotic sister, Virginia, finds


Sashin Desai

out Matilde hates cleaning, she clandestinely takes over the task because it helps clear her mind and gives her a purpose. The sisters and Matilde discover that Lane’s husband is having an affair with Ana, a vivacious Argentinean woman whose only mission in life is to live to the fullest. Though it seems Ana could be an antagonist to the women of the story, she ends up teaching the women valuable life lessons; they should always laugh and enjoy themselves. Theater can get a little. . . ridiculous. People are depicted as falling madly in love within five minutes, characters come up with some of the best “I’m about to die” speeches, and overcoming a deep seeded wound can be as easy as singing a song to an empty bedroom. One of the exceptional things about “The Clean House” was the way they poked fun at theatrical stereotypes. Lane’s husband and Ana (whose name romantically “goes forward

and backward!”) fall in love as he performs a mastectomy on her, and later journeys from Connecticut to Alaska in order to chop down a tree that he believes will cure her cancer. As much as Matilde endeavors to ascertain the perfect joke, she also fears finding it because she is afraid to laugh herself to death (just like her mother did). Because Sarah Ruhl, author of the play, dramatizes the situations the characters are in as well their reactions, it effectively makes the point that we don’t need to take life so seriously, or make a colossal deal out of relatively small problems. But there are also serious moments in the performance that touch you. Sisters Lane and Virginia are constantly bickering about whether the best way to live life is by pursuing a demanding career or caring for those you love. This is a question many wrestle with at one point or another, without finding a clear cut answer. We also see Lane’s mourn-

ing process when her husband leaves her with the justification that a Jewish law states: if you find your soul mate, “you must leave everything else in your life to be with that person.” And he’s not Jewish. Virginia’s discovery that she cleans obsessively to fill her empty life is heartbreaking, and it can hit close to home as many people struggle with finding their purpose in life. Though the experiences of the characters are presented comically, you are able to empathize with them as a result of the clever writing of Ruhl. “The Clean House” is a play worth multiple viewings; it left me laughing all night as I remembered the witty remarks and just generally put me in a great mood. Matilde imparts a memorable piece of wisdom when she explains that if we can look at our problems as very small, and the world as very big by comparison, it will make it easier to laugh and overcome the complications in our lives.

“. . . it effectively makes the point that we don’t need to take life so seriously, or make a colossal deal out of relatively small problems.”

30 AUGUST 2010








ugust 28th was Buskerfest, the annual festival honoring the style of street performance known as busking. Local Long Beach bands are invited to play on multiple stages, while their fans threw wooden nickels into their open guitar cases. This year, the winning band with the most nickels wins 5 days in a Long Beach recording studio. First up on the Hammersmith stage along a closed off Linden Ave was local alums Boris Smile, bringing their familiar sound of orchestrated indie pop and feelgood attitude. Frontman Wesley Chung took the opportunity to present a slew of new songs, increasing anticipation for their next release. They ended their set with an audience participation song, dispersing per-


cussion instruments among the crowd. Following Boris Smile was another Long Beach resident Korey Dane. With his recently acquired backing band, he soothed the crowd with his mellow folk and heartfelt lyrics. After his particular performance, the “nickels” were piled high, filling his guitar case to the brim. If you didn’t care for the first two bands mentioned, there were plenty of other bands spilling their guts out on the other stages, as well as an odd gathering of various other street performers, such as magicians and demented escape artists. For all of you hipsters out there that chose to ride your bikes, there was a bike valet that would keep your twowheeled baby safe. Those of legal age could have a brew at the beer garden to keep them

company as they explored the streets. The local restaurants and businesses cashed in on the event by offering more nickels to add to the 5 free nickels given at the entrance. Master of Ceremonies Derrick Brown, a Writebloody poet, took to the main stage, introducing Jay Buchanan, the replacement for the supposedly gonorrhea-ridden Pawn Shop Kings. In starving musician fashion, he spun songs of sorrow and heartbreak on a variety of instruments from mandolin to zither. Next on the main stage was Westminster natives Crystal Antlers, bringing quite a show of experimental noise rock. While their music was invigorating, most of the entertainment was generated by their drumhumping percussionist Damian Edwards.

After announcing Korey Dane as the winning band of Buskerfest (congratulations, Korey), Delta Spirit took the stage to close out the event. Clearly the best choice as a headliner, was Delta Spirit. They played an hour set filled with songs of war, of passed relatives, of girls and all out quality northern soul. Singer Matt Vasquez took to dedicating every song to something or someone, putting his heart into every word he crooned. The entire downtown of Long Beach reverberated with the sweet sound of Delta Spirit and their fans. Buskerfest proved the stability and homegrown talent of local performers. If you missed it this summer, mark your calendars for next year’s Summer and Music events and support your local arts. UNION WEEKLY

30 AUGUST 2010







nce Read Books is one of those holein-the-wall bookstores which seems to accumulate a lot of random books. You’ll definitely need to dig around for a bit to get a feel for the layout. However, after some effort on your part, you’ll come out with some interesting finds, such as used movie scripts, vintage magazines, and even stills from movie sets. The signs designating each area of the store are hand-written. Books are filed vertically rather than horizontally, so for those of you who spend most of your time at Barnes and Noble, it’ll take a second to figure out which way to scan the shelves. Apart from a rather nicely-sized collection of World War II and Military books, you’ll find an entire bookcase dedicated to westerns, and an off-to-the-side, secluded self-help/reference corner which will make it painfully obvious that you were just browsing for Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There’s a cookbook section for you newly-minted independent students who might need to learn how to cook on the cheap. Still, compared to other used bookstores I’ve been to, Once Read Books has a rather limited selection of literature/classics. However, there is a HUGE selection of romance novels as well as mass market paperbacks of the Tom Clancy/Stephen King persuasion. Overall, not a bad place to spend an hour or so, even if you don’t buy anything. Most books are under $7, the majority of which are under $4. They even have a dollar section and some bargain buys out front. Best find of the day? Rachel Ray’s 30 Minute Meals for $6.25, which happened to be someone’s 2008 Christmas gift, with “Love, Mom” signed on the inside cover. Looks like you should have gone with a scarf, Mom, ‘cause that gift wasn’t a keeper. UNION WEEKLY

30 AUGUST 2010



3917 E. ANAHEIM ST. LONG BEACH, CA 90804 (562) 985-3154

[Editor’s Note: Omar and I set out to visit Planet Books, but it was closed. The store has limited hours of operation during the week. It looked pretty cool through the windows. It had books.] A failed attempt to write a feature on Planet Books recently got me thinking: is the bookstore obsolete in this day and age? Don’t get me wrong—I don’t have anything against bookstores. I love books. So what could I possibly have against an establishment devoted solely to their display and dispensation? Yet, I would be lying if I were to say that even half of my books came from bookstores. They didn’t. I ordered most of my books from Amazon, and I read a good deal of novels, poems and short stories on Project Gutenburg. I don’t go to a bookstore to find a book I’m looking for, much in the same way I don’t write an old-fashioned letter when there is a time-sensitive matter I need to discuss with a friend or associate; I send an e-mail. But I still write letters, something to which several of my friends and relatives will be able to attest. I firmly believe that there is still a time and a place for them. So it is with bookstores. Technology has allowed for us to realize certain ends more directly and immediately than has been the case in the past; this doesn’t mean, however, that older mediums dedicated to their achievement ought to be done away with. Bookstores don’t just provide us with books; the good ones especially lend the selection process a warmth and a vibrancy which prove inimitable. It is not the mere existence of the internet which will render bookstores unnecessary, but the degree to which bookstores will aspire to become more streamlined and mainstream—that is, to what extent they will become a pale imitation of the internet.


APOSTROPHE BOOKS 4712 E. 2ND ST. LONG BEACH, CA 90803 (562) 438-7950

I love books. ‘Nuff said. Well, not quite. When I go to bookstores, I enjoy those with a more personal feel. This is Apostrophe Books. On a Thursday, I strolled down 2nd street and took a moment to visit the store. It was like somebody had built a bookstore catered to me, right down to the music they were playing. Lisa Somerville, one of the owners of Apostrophe Books, has been in the book business since she was 19. While she was a manager at a Long Beach bookstore, she hired Valerie Kinsgland. Together they established a bookstore up in Port Townsend, Washington seventeen years ago, but they later moved the store to Pasadena. Lisa returned to her hometown of Long Beach about four months ago to set up shop in Belmont Shore. Apostrophe is nestled in between La Strada and Starbucks. It has a quaint setup, and the walls are busting with books. I can see how a busy day could make things pretty tight. Regardless, I would never want to leave. They are in the process of renovating an upstairs area that will be available for book clubs. It should be finished around October, and you can count me in to use it! I feel that Apostrophe is the definition of an indie bookstore. They care about the customer and employ people who love their jobs. When I went in, both Lisa and Val were there to help with customers, which shows that it’s important to them to be present. They were both nice and knowledgeable. So please, stop by this amazing bookstore. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. And if you want to take that indie atmosphere home with you along with your new book, just put on the “She & Him” Pandora station and brew some coffee.



2226 E. 4th ST. LONG BEACH, CA 90814 (562) 499-OPEN

You can probably imagine the general look and feel of {open} pretty easily. The place is situated on 4th street near Portfolio Coffeehouse and thrift shops and other cool hipster hangouts that I am definitely very comfortable in. {open} bookstore also doubles as a miniart gallery, local music vendor, and place for local event flyers to be placed on top of other, similar flyers. As a local semi-creative type, this impressed me and intimidated me all at once. I was like a microwave of emotions. When I first entered and began browsing, I kept glancing back at the store clerk, waiting for the incredulous look that people who work at cool stores always give me. To my surprise, he completely ignored me (note: I have a beard now). And I liked it. I was able to browse worry-free, and before I knew it, I had gone through every section of the store without feeling self-conscious or out of place (much). The store itself is pretty cool, with a quirky selection that you can’t find at stores like Barnes and Noble, and different art pieces along the wall, including big letters that spell out “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.” They must have been talking about someone else. I liked the local section with stuff for sale from different local writers, bands, and artists, including records melted into bowls by CSULB’s own, Mae Ramirez. I didn’t end up buying anything from {open}, though. Many of the books and authors were unrecognizable to an uncultured buffoon such as myself, and around $10 for an impulse buy seems like a bit much for a poor college student such as you. If you have $10$15 to spend, and you’re looking for something to read that you won’t find at a big chain, or if you are looking for a less intimidating local arts experience, {open} might be the place for you. As long as you’re beautiful of course, or the words on the wall might not make sense to you.





(all items can be conveniently found at Whole Foods) Rye Bread Original Field Roast - Smoked Tomato Onion Cilantro Vegenaise Embasa Chipotle in Adobo Sauce Olive Oil Daiya Cheese Mozzarella


y new take on the Reuben is to spice that weasel up. Your regular Reuben has sauerkraut and thousand island dressing. What the fuck? This time around we’re gonna saute to almost caramelize the onions with cilantro to give it a nice sweetness. Instead of thousand island

dressing, take 3 tablespoons of Vegenaise for every 1 chipotle pepper, and use a food processor to blend it smooth. The best way to start the Reuben is to begin sauteing the onions in a wok with plenty of olive oil. You’re going to want a quarter of an onion per sandwich, because by the end of the onion’s cooking time they’ll be a lot smaller. Cook the onions on a medium-high temperature and make sure to stir occasionally. Next start with the Field Roast. Cut thinly, only a centimeter or so thickness, and on the bias. Line a frying pan with the slices of Field Roast and cook them on a low-medium heat. You’ll want each side to have a nice even brown across the entire thing. You’ll be tempted to crank the heat up, but don’t; they are fairly fragile and burn easily. While the Roast is cooking, start blending up the chipotle sauce and dice the cilantro. When

the roast is done cooking, toss it and the cilantro into the wok with the onions, and you can turn the heat down low and let it sit. Next, brush each slice of rye bread with olive oil on the side you plan on cooking. Get an even coat and use medium heat to begin to toast the bread in the frying pan. You want a light brown coating on the entire thing. Then you can begin to spread the chipotle. Give each slice of bread a nice dollop of chipotle and a good handful of Daiya. Let that heat up a little more to melt the cheese. From there you can shovel the Field Roast and onion mixture onto one slice of the

bread, flip the other half onto the sandwich and give the entire thing a hefty press with a spatula. Cut and serve with some vegetable chips and a nice tall glass of whatthefuckever. All in all, the California tastes good, is good for you and your wallet. Eat it.


30 AUGUST 2010






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Read all of Jeff Chang’s visual essay at 30 AUGUST 2010




Volume 67 Issue 1


FUNION RULES - No Swearing - No Put Downs and... - HAVE FUN!!!

Monday, August 30th, 2010



BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR Okay so the old editor died. He’s dead. Whatever his name was. Piss Bear or something. I’m fed up with this edgy, downright rude style of humor that the Grunion has become known for. It’s unacceptable. We’re all fun guys no matter what our police reports say. I strongly believe people can laugh without being grossed out or turned on or whatever. Mark my words: from now on the Grunion will be so fun and fancy-free that you’re going to want to puke. “How did this decision come about?” you might ask. Nice question. Thanks. Here’s my story. It all started one night when I was watching the normally swear-free show Mythbusters. Before I had a chance to change the channel, cute, innocent Kari starts swearing up a storm. It was a storm in my brain and my heart. Worst of all, she was pregnant. My night and life were ruined. The baby is going to come out all covered in goo and have horns or a curly penis or whatever happens to a baby who is subjected to in-utero swears. I’m no doctor. Due to this, I’ve written a slew of letters to Mythbusters to get them to fire Kari before that baby comes out and ruins the show. In her place, I suggest they hire the last, pure, fun guy on this rotten earth that doesn’t



This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email any questions, concerns, shits to

rely on gross out humor: Tony Hawk. Just imagine Tony hanging out with the M-Burster crew, shaking hands, giving compliments, and doing censor approved kickflips and other skate stunts. Think about all the cool myths they can bust with Tony on the crew: do old ladies like to be helped by kind young men? Yes. Confirmed. Do swears make you cool? Busted. Kari got fired. Don’t do it. Is a moustachegrind to beretplant possible? Double confirmed. Tony Hawk does them all the time. There are plenty of ways to laugh without being vulgar. For example: having good clean fun. Let’s say you own or are starting a company that makes those soothing sounds CDs. Take your best selling CD, a babbling brook maybe, and right in the middle put the sound of someone stirring macaroni and cheese! It’s a gross sound. A victimless prank that is sure to get big laughs. Or maybe you have a friend who says a word wrong, like “pillow” or “crayon.” Instead of making fun of him, give him a kiss on the head because a friend is a thing to be cherished. I hope to one day live in such a world. For now, the best I can do is dream, and dream hard. Maybe one day the world will learn that you don’t have to swear to be cool and funny. Until then, you’ll always have the new Grunion. Thanks for reading.


Area Man Encounters Humorous Situation in Everyday Life BY JEFF BRIDGES, ACTOR Local friend Jeff Bridges, Actor recently experienced a comical situation when driving his van in Southern California. After waking up in a haze, Bridges found himself lost. He rolled down his window and asked the nearest lady for directions. “Excuse me, miss,” Bridges asked amiably, “where am I?” “Van Nuys,” she replied. This, readers, is where the humor begins. “Yeah, I know the van’s nice, but where am I?” Bridges, Actor replied, unaware of the mutual misunderstanding. “No,” the lady replied, “you’re in Van Nuys.” “Yeah, I know I’m in a nice van, but I really need directions,” Bridges said, still oblivious. Anyway, I don’t have to tell you it was a very funny happenstance, and the back and forth banter continued for some time. Bridges then drove his van off in a huff. “It was frustrating at first, but I can laugh about it now. I’d like to publicly apologize to the young lady and thank her for her help,” Bridges told the press. “My friends really got a kick out of this story. What a dope I am!” Bridges said as the members of the press in attendance laughed to themselves.

Jeff Bridges, Actor leans out the window of his van to politely ask a lady a question. Little does he know, humor is right around the corner!

“It’s like a modern day ‘Who’s on First’ bit,” one reporter said, “I’m belly laughing.” After the anecdote made a splash at the press conference, Bridges then took his humorous story to a local party he was definitely invited to. For a while Bridges was king of the party, getting handshakes and backslaps for his story. The party triumphantly raised Bridges on their shoulders, chanting “An-ec-dote, an-ec-dote.” Bridges raised his glass to propose a toast when another partygoer

butted in. “Ha, that reminds me of something that happened to me the other day…” He then told a story of how he found some abandoned jorts on the sidewalk, and through an unlikely happenstance, the jorts were returned to their rightful owner. “The jorts, of course!” said the partygoer as the other attendees dropped Bridges from their shoulders. Today, a mighty man has fallen, but it is this reporter’s opinion that his story will live on forever. The jort story guy died. See ya.


Thanks So Much for Coming to My Page! It’s a Party!


Spot The Differences!!! Can you find them all? A: I think the bird would eat the hot dog.

Whoa! Like this is so cool you made it! I’m super stoked you came. This is going to be great! You’re here, Jeff is here, Trevor, Jimjams, Monstermash, the whole gang you know? I wasn’t sure you’d be here. This is awesome, tonight is going to be so much fun. We’re gonna get so wild, we probably won’t even remember it! I won’t even remember you came! But you did. I can’t wait to get this night started! I gotta tell everyone you’re here. Whoa man maybe take it easy on the vodka there. Or whatever. It’s a party! Hey hey no need for guns, man. We can just talk. Put the gun down. Someone call the police.


In Long Beach We Trust: Turning Ten Bucks Into a Full Day of Discovery


In Long Beach We Trust: Turning Ten Bucks Into a Full Day of Discovery