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ISSUE 66.12 “No one will ever love you. When you realize this, your life will begin.” -Michael C. Pallotta to Joe Bryant

JOE BRYANT Editor-in-Chief

RACHEL RUFRANO Managing Editor

CLAY COOPER

JOE VERSUS

TOO MANY WORDS

LOTS OF LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

JOE BRYANT

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Hello Union Staffers, First of all, I want to give Noah Kelly a HUGE and sincere thank you for his article on the hate crime that occurred on the CSULB campus the night of April 15th, 2010. It was heartfelt and provocative and rightfully calls out our campus police and the administration. It is NOT okay that this crime has been diffused because the victim is not the “standard.” Had the victim been someone else...perhaps just your “typical white girl,” would this story be front page material instead of some local Long Beach history? My inkling is—Yes!!! If a damn word was carved into some girl’s chest with a sharp object in the bathroom at school it would be front page shit...not page 6 shit (Union). This incident brings up a lot of implications and we all need to be honest with ourselves and fair to everybody. -Jimmy Cabrera Jr. You’re right: the attack does deserve to be a front page story. Unfortunately, we don’t really have a front page. We have an ordered layout (cover, intro, opinions, news, etc.) that’s been the same for the past five or so years, with few times where it’s variated. It’s a tradition that opinions goes first, as the Union has always prided itself as espousing the students’ voice. Like printing this letter. The elevator in LA1 sounds exactly UNION WEEKLY

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like the TARDIS. Just sayin’. -Tamar Altebarmakian I know what that means, but I haven’t really seen that much Doctor Who. Sorry. But I’m sure our Comics Editor agrees. Dear Editor: As faculty and staff of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Task Force at California State University, Long Beach (CSULB), we wish to express our concern about the impact of recent events on the university community and campus climate. Campus dialogue following the Chicana Feminism Conference hosted by the Conciencía Feminíl student organization on March 17-20, 2010 included homophobic language that references violence. In addition, the recent report of an alleged assault on a transgender student on April 15, 2010 raises concerns about the physical safety and emotional well-being of our LGBT students, staff, faculty, and administrators. Indeed, all members of our university community are affected by these incidents, as they challenge our belief in a welcoming learning community for all individuals of diverse backgrounds. As faculty and staff of the LGBT Task Force at CSULB, we seek to work collaboratively with the university to renew our shared commitment to diversity and community engagement. In regards to the specific incidents referenced above, the LGBT Task Force acknowledges the university is in the process of responding to the homophobic dialogue surrounding the Chicana Feminism Conference and the alleged assault of the transgender student. However, the LGBT Task Force calls upon the university administration to also respond more broadly to campus climate issues by affirming its explicit support for LGBT issues: (1) Support the establishment of the emerging Queer Studies minor and ensure the longevity and growth of ethnic studies programs like Africana Studies, Chicana/o and Latina/o Studies, American Indian Studies, and Asian and Asian

Kirstyn Yuk Sim Chun, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist & Assistant Professor Counseling & Psychological Services

This letter was sent with an additional 30 signatures, but unfortunately we didn’t have the room to print them all. However, the full text of the letter, including the signatures, is available at lbunion.com. I’d like to commend the LGBT Task Force for their dedication and bravery in the face of adversity. Who knows? Joe knows.

Send your praise, questions and pithy comments to joeb.union@gmail.com.

clay.union@gmail.com simone.union@gmail.com

KEVIN O’BRIEN

kevinob.union@gmail.com

Opinions Editor News Director

ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Literature Editor & PR Entertainment Editor & PR

American Studies; (2) Appoint a full-time staff coordinator for the campus LGBT Resource Center and each of the other cultural resource centers that serve students of African descent, Chicana/o and Latina/o students, indigenous students, and Asian Pacific Islander students; and (3) Provide full institutional support for the LGBT Task Force and the African American, Chicana/o and Latina/o, and Asian Pacific Islander faculty and staff groups. Even in an era of fiscal challenges, it is imperative that all members of the university come together to affirm our shared commitment to diversity and community engagement. These principles are central to the university’s mission of ensuring educational access and equity, promoting intellectual development regarding diversity issues, and preparing students for careers in diverse settings. The LGBT Task Force welcomes the opportunity to work more closely with the university administration to improve the campus climate through the fulfillment of the objectives regarding queer and ethnic minority studies departments, the LGBT Resource Center and other cultural resource centers, and the LGBT Task Force and other cultural faculty and staff groups. As faculty and staff members of the LGBT Task Force, we stand firmly behind these goals. We are ready to work with the university to make them a reality. Sincerely,

rachel.union@gmail.com

SIMONE HARRISON

JAMES KISLINGBURY

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

efore I get to this week’s letters, of which there are many, I first want to congratulate myself, Rachel Rufrano, James Kislingbury and Mike Pallotta on placing second in last Wednesday’s ASI trivia night. We’re number two! We’re number two! Yeah! To the people running the quiz night: Antarctica is the largest desert in the world, not the Sahara, and the Washington Nationals, despite your best efforts to say otherwise, do not play in Maryland, but rather in DC, which, also despite your best efforts, is not in Maryland, you Google-educated dummies. Anywho, let’s see that mail.

Managing Editor

joeb.union@gmail.com

RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA

Creative Arts Editor, logo

andyk.union@gmail.com caitlincutt.union@gmail.com jamesk.union@gmail.com rachel.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com

VICTOR CAMBA

victorpc.union@gmail.com

KATHY MIRANDA

kathym.union@gmail.com

Comics Editor Culture Editor

SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor

bear.grun@gmail.com

CLAY COOPER

Art Director, cover design

ANDREW LEE

Photo Editor, cover photo

MIKE PALLOTTA

On-Campus Distribution

KATHY MIRANDA Web Editor

CAITLIN CUTT

Advertising Executive

caitlincutt.union@gmail.com

Contributors: MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, MARCO BELTRAN, MICHAEL REVIS, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, MICHAEL VEREMANS, JESSE BLAKE, MAY ZIMMERMAN, HOLLY GARLAND, SARA SANTANA, FOLASHADE ALFORD, JANTZEN PEAKE, BRYAN WALTON, JAMIE KARSON, KATY PARKER, CHELSEA STEVENS, DAVID DIAZ, JEFF CHANG, LEO PORTUGAL, ALEXANDRE RODALLEC, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, ELISA TANAKA, KEN CHO, JAQUIE MONROE, NOAH KELLY, ERIC BRYAN, JORDAN GARCIA, GABE FERREIRA

Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : lbunion.com


OPINIONS DONATE LIFE HAVE YOU VOLUNTEERED A KIDNEY YET? LEO PORTUGAL UNION STAFFER

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pril was National Donate Life Month, or Organ Awareness Month, which aims to raise awareness of the great need for organ donors in America and celebrates the generosity of those who have saved lives by becoming organ, blood, tissue and marrow donors. Of the over 107,000 people currently waitlisted for organs, there are over 84,000 people on the waitlist for a kidney and over 15,000 waiting for a liver, according to The United Network for Organ Sharing. The kidney and the liver make up a huge percentage of the most in-demand organs, and both are typically safe to donate as a living donor. People can survive with only one of their two kidneys, and most diseases that affect the kidneys affect both at the same time, so, after donation, the donor is generally not at a greater health risk. The liver is also safe to donate because of its capability to grow and regenerate itself. An adult with a fully formed liver could donate a Happy Meal sized portion of their liver to a child, and the liver would grow as the child grows, sustaining life in both the child and adult. Despite this, the gap between the demand and the supply of organs remains large, with only about 6,000 living-donor transplants a year. One reason for this gap is that current laws prohibit paying the donor, which does protect against wealthy people bypassing poorer people already on wait-

ALEXANDRE RODALLEC UNION STAFFER

Illustration lists for organs. But, as the law currently stands, it becomes increasingly difficult to choose to become a donor because doing so not only means giving up a part of yourself, but means possibly losing a large sum of money in lost wages and possible travel and medical costs. Someone who donates a kidney is not required time paid off from work or short-term disability payments during recovery. A man who donates his semen can receive compensation, but a man who donates his kidney, saving a life, cannot. Current law must be revised to allow the government to offer compensation and benefits to healthy people who decide to become donors. Support

JEFF CHANG UNION STAFFER

for this kind of reform has been growing, and advocates include Sally Satel, M.D., who wrote the book When Altruism Isn’t Enough: The Case for Compensating Kidney Donors, and Heidi Nye, a former professor here at CSULB, who told me that, just like firefighters, organ donors save lives and should be treated like heroes. While making the decision to become an organ donor can be difficult, actually registering as a donor is easy. You can register as an organ donor when you register or renew your driver’s license and there are many organ donation registries that can be accessed online.

CONFESSIONS OF A SERIAL FARTER EVERYONE FARTS SOMETIMES, ONLY SOME PEOPLE FART ALL THE TIME NOAH KELLY UNION STAFFER

Have you ever been on a bus, an elevator, in class, in a plane, or anywhere cramped, crowded and generally awful? Have you then ever caught the whiff of something that could only have leaked out of an anus that was crying for an intervention? Have you ever been crimed by a farter? If so, then I’m sorry. But really, I’m not sorry. I am one of those farters. I’m a serial farter. I fart everywhere. In class, next to you in line at the Outpost, at the ATM right before you go to use it, on the bus, literally everywhere I go, I fart. I can’t help it. Are you also a serial farter? Are you UNION WEEKLY

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hiding in the shadows because you’re afraid of being shunned? Do you sit in your chair in class, lean to one side ever so slightly, and pray to whatever god you believe in that it won’t be a squeaker? I see this every day, on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it’s common, it’s trivial. Well, not anymore. I’m setting the example. I’m not ashamed. Not anymore. You, the royal you, will not shame me into silent-butt-deadlies anymore. I’m proud of my farting lineage. I come from a family of farters, and I will eventually spawn forth little farters of my own and you can’t stop me.

I’m starting the revolution. When you are sitting in class, and you smell something heinous, and you look around, you will see me. Smiling. Grinning. Maybe even cackling like an idiot if I can also smell it too. You have been warned, students, citizens, the world, I’m not going to stop farting, and each place I go I will find more just like me. We will be a farting army. A fearsome fighting farting force if you will. If you would like to be part of this army, please send emails to my possibly fart-filled editor Joe, at joeb.union@ gmail.com, subject line “I <3 farts.” I will see you on the frontlines!

Philosophy states that nothing can be proven. This is a bit problematic to your average person because we could ask whether that statement itself can be true then. Philosophy also demonstrates that we cannot prove causality—that one thing causes another. If I slap you across the face and you feel pain you cannot prove that my slap is what caused that pain. The Osama Bin Laden causing 9/11, Hitler and the systematic extermination of Jews, Homosexuals, etc. is unrelated, or at least that’s where we leave it for now. Agency is similarly impossible to prove because it is cause. You make a statement and I will show you how you are assuming causality and the provable existence of something. Where does this leave us? It leaves us with a three-year-old being able to dismantle any “truth” or “relationship” that you might want to argue or explain. Very useful? It is at best good to know to understand the complexity of existence, not to live. You automatically make assumptions getting out of bed in the morning: there is a floor that I’m going to step on, etc. A friend of mine walked out of a class because they showed Night and Fog, a movie about the holocaust. He ran into me and another friend at the Coffee Bean and entered into a discussion about deconstruction, a philosophy accredited primarily to French philosopher Jacques Derrida (19302004). After stating his reason for leaving the class we discussed the nature of deconstruction and then my other friend had to go. Then I tried making a point about how life has a drive to continue living because it dies out if it doesn’t. Genes will select against themselves if they encode for complete unawareness of danger. For instance if there’s lack of nociception, (the ability to feel pain) a being will not live long and probably not procreate, hence selecting itself away. The point here is not to get technical or account for all details that go into this, because it is more complicated, this is a general statement. It is to acknowledge a general force of wanting to continue, the general populous does not want to off itself because if it did then there would be no populous. “Assumption, assumption, assumption,” says my friend. No connection. We use systems like science because they are useful, he says. Now, in a strict philosophical sense of knowledge: yes. But at that point there is no room for a discussion, and it also follows that usefulness is another assumption. Usefulness necessitates causality, how can something be pleasurable if there is no connection. Pleasure, the primary drive of our generation it seems. We can’t cause more problems by bombing other countries, for instance. My friend at one point drops, “Fuck other countries!” We don’t have to care about them, that they’re being bombed. And I spend much of the rest of the day wondering if this wasn’t the exact idea that the Nazis had.


OPINIONS

JUSTICE AND PEACE ARE NOT ELUSIVE AN ATTACK ON A CSULB STUDENT MAKES THIS ANARCHIST THINK ABOUT STUFF MICHAEL VEREMANS UNION STAFFER

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hree weeks ago a student was attacked based on their identity alone. The administration covered up the case originally, but last week released details—transgender student had the word “IT” carved into his chest in an upper campus bathroom. To say that this is surprising for this area and this day and age is preposterous! Prop 8 was passed a little over a year ago and neo-Nazi groups across America and in particular Southern California have swelled. It seems like systemic violence and prejudice is doing just fine, so what are we doing to stop it? Let me put it this way—if the student who was assaulted in upper campus by a rightwing extremist had, say, a gun on them, would they have been attacked? Many elements on the right routinely laud, carry, and discharge

various types of firearms. This makes us on the left fear groups like the NRA, the Minutemen, the KKK, and the cops. In this capacity, the mere presence of guns is enough to deter most would-be rebels from fighting for liberation. Think about how many times the cop in your head told you not to do something because you might get shot. They, however, slaughter and maim and terrorize millions of our brothers and sisters a year. How long do we have to keep apologizing and forgiving peacefully? Did George Washington sit back and say, “Well we can’t take up arms, that’s a little too far”? We, the oppressed and the true anarchists, must provide for mutual self-defense. Extremists who would attack us need to know that we will defend each other and ourselves by any means and that

violent bigotry will not be tolerated. If you’re gonna say, “I wish we didn’t have to use violence, you can’t fight violence with violence,” Think about what you’re saying. It is bourgeois and irresponsible, but most of all it’s lazy. In a society built on radical exploitation and unprecedented social pressure, we have the right to break away by all means. If you try to quell people by bringing up Gandhi or MLK, then do what they did and take to the streets! You so-called liberals are discouraging real action—we need pirate solidarity here! Become a lawyer, donate to Anarchist Black Cross, we need individual efforts for collective action! So when you’re walking home from your classes where everyone is open-minded and forward thinking, remember that peace of

mind needs to be protected. I am not advocating initiating violence, but the first blow has already come and it keeps coming until we have the presence of mind to change it. This is not an original idea, this is what Malcolm X was all about, taking back peace through massive mobilization and mutual defense. The real question is: why are we trying to fit into their system by being passive when we can create our own society where no one has to fear for their lives because of their life choices. It is our constitutional right and humanitarian obligation to provide for mutual defense, send out the message that we will not turn the other cheek. Militarize and stand up for our comrades, you will save lives and send a powerful message: justice and peace are not elusive.

UNION WEEKLY

3 MAY 2010


NEWS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT ARIZONA LOOKING TO STICK IT IN THE ASS OF IMMIGRANTS

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CHELSEA STEVENS

STATE OF THE BEACH

YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUS NEWS IN BRIEF

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or the past two weeks, national news has drawn as much Jersey Shore drama as possible from the most controversial piece of legislation in the history of forever, the Arizona Immigration Bill. However, as usual, it seems the general populace knows little to nothing about the proposal other than the hints included in its title. In further detail, this bill would allow officers of all ranks in the state of Arizona to stop anyone who gives the impression of being an illegal immigrant and force them to show official U.S. identification. Anyone questioned and found without ID is subject to arrest and subsequent deportation, even if they are truly a legal citizen. Individuals are also subject to arrest if they are found with others who don’t have documents, as they are obviously smuggling those dirty border bandits and deserve to be thrown in the clink. Initial reactions to the bill by most media and politicos were negative, mostly because they foresaw it spurring a major swell in racial profiling.

The law specifically states a citizen’s immigration status is subject to investigation if there is any “reasonable suspicion” of their legality. Any Arizonian who even smells Mexican could be stopped and asked for papers. Eating a burrito? You’re probably illegal. If you’re brown and forget your wallet on the way to work, you’re pretty much screwed. This bill was really just created to be the follow-up punchline to anyone in a turban being stopped at the airport. Racial profiling in America? Nahhh, never. D.C.’s Powers-that-be have had mixed responses to Arizona’s audacious exercise in state’s rights. Texas’ and Colorado’s governors are currently taking steps to make sure no similar laws are proposed in their own states. Arizona’s Republican senator Russell Pearce, who’s sponsoring the measure, has other ideas. “When do we stand up for Americans and America? Enough is enough,” he told Fox News. “We’re going to enforce our laws, with compassion.” Thanks Senator Pearce, I forgot

compassion meant unconstitutional investigations and discriminatory arrests of U.S. citizens. Immigration will obviously remain a core topic of discussion in the political arena for quite a few years. Arizona is estimated to host 460,000 illegal immigrants, which adds up to over 14% of their entire population. The fact that immigration is a valid issue isn’t in need of debate, but it seems there are better methods of quelling it than those being implemented by the state. The “assume now, investigate later” technique has gotten us into trouble before, as proven by the last eight years. On top of that, law enforcement in Arizona will be too busy deporting every Mexican they see to deal with actual crime, and any citizens with connections to illegals will be too afraid to approach the police if their homes are pillaged or daughters are raped. The intense amount of race issues this law creates is not worth adding to the plethora this country already faces. If there’s anything this bill proves, it’s that some things never change.

ARNOLD TAKES A STAND

GOVERNOR REFUSES TO LEAVE UNIVERSITIES BEHIND MICHAEL REVIS CONTRIBUTOR

This past Tuesday, a press conference was held with our own governor Arnold Schwarzenegger regarding the CSU budgets for the fiscal year. Surprisingly, things are looking slightly up for the CSU school system, and about damn time, too. The gist of the conference boils down to a simple, yet important, statement. That statement being that the Governator refuses to sign any budget bill that does not include the school finances in it. Basically, if anyone tries to dick around with the bill to not include the planned fundings that the students and faculty of California desperately need, that bill simply does not get his signature on it until it’s changed to his specifications. Hopefully all of this means we can get financial support as soon as our next Fall semester, so that more students can get the education that they need to move UNION WEEKLY

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on in the world. Based on a proposal Schwarzenegger brought forth back in January, colleges are supposed to receive $305 million for budget restorations, and another $60.6 million to help with enrollment growth. “This is a significant victory for California’s $3.4 million college students,” said CSSA President Steve Dixon. “At a time when legislators are voting to decrease state support for the nation’s premiere higher education system, the Governor has promised leadership with his veto power. Students are encouraged by this commitment and grateful for the Governor’s leadership.” All of this came to pass after months of protests and demonstrations by both students wanting a better education, and various faculty members wanting a better paycheck. Tuesday’s conference was filled with all of these people wanting to speak

to legislators about the importance of higher education in California. The day before was also filled with students from different campuses requesting that legislators give their support to Schwarzenegger’s budget proposal, along with other bills that would help the CSU system in various areas such as financial aid and transfer processes. Forgive me if I say I’m hesitant about getting excited about all of this, since in the back of my mind I just know some greedy fuck is going to try something funny to screw us all over. Schwarzenegger seems like he’s trying to support the CSU school system as much as he can, though, so hopefully we can get through this three ring circus already and get some finances coming in. Otherwise, we’ll most likely be stuck with another year of random furloughs and crammed class schedules.

MARCO BELTRAN UNION STAFFER

Hey Beach Bums, the semester is winding down with only two weeks left until everything goes to shit. Damn! All those furloughs fucked me good this semester. Time to put in all the extra credit work, or get into a sweet car wreck that leaves you bedridden for the rest of the semester with a tube sticking out of your mouth. I’m behind in most of my classes this semester because I’m a doofus dunce at everything in life. Suicide pact, anyone? Anyone? You stuckup bastards. We laughed last week, right? You owe me for that. Plus, I bring you the news. Without me, you’d just be sitting at home scratching your privates to Randy Newman. All I’m asking for is a little Beach pride here. I’m off of chicken sandwiches and mouthwash. Give me a break. You know what, fuck you. . . you. . . butt dog! You heard right. Butt dog. Look it up. It’s just a big ass with a tail and dog ears that lifts its leg when it pees. Don’t judge me. Here’s your news, asshole. Monday and Tuesday, May 3rd and 4th, the Bob Cole Conservatory of Music presents Collegium Musicum conductor Roger “Mad Dog” Hickman at 8:00pm in Daniel Recital Hall. For further information or tickets, call (562) 9857000. “Mad Dog” Hickman is what I live for. If you decide to attend this event, I’ll be the guy in the white suit sipping soda from a wine glass. Wednesday is going to be a good day for everyone that wasted-their-money-on-something-stupid-like shoes. That’s why God invented Shoe Goo. Celebrate the end of the semester with Associated Students at the USU pool from 11:30am-1:30pm. Be the first to bring your Beach gear and 199 of your closest, Beach gear-weaing, friends and receive free food. Any questions regarding this event should be directed toward ASI Special Events Commissioner Francesca Murray at 562-985-2535. Thursday is a campus-wide furlough. If you show up to school on March 6 you deserve to be pushed into oncoming traffic. I can picture you sitting in an empty classroom thinking, “Why is the whole class so late today?” while I’m living it up at home watching a marathon of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. I’d sure like to watch her from afar. Talk about a Beach bod. Happy Birthday to my best friend, Bob Seger. Your music helped me get through puberty and a tough divorce.


MUSIC M.I.A’S NEW VIDEO MISSING IN ACTION “Born Free” is deemed pornographic and banned by major video sharing websites NOAH KELLEY UNION STAFFER

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.I.A’s “Born Free” video is getting anything but free treatment. YouTube has pseudo-banned the music video, directed by Romain Gavras, that depicts the systematic pursuit, rounding up and assault of red-headed adolescents and young adults. YouTube has not banned this video, but there are a significant amount of restrictions that are being placed on searches for it. YouTube currently requires users to verify their age via YouTube accounts to acknowledge that they are over the age of 18, but anyone who has ever surfed pornographic websites knows the internet doesn’t care if you lie. YouTube has policies against gratuitous violence and nudity (there is a brief boob shot), which would prompt YouTube to bury the video, preventing search

results from finding the official video. This can happen when things are flagged as objectionable for certain viewers. So what is exactly objectionable in the M.I.A video? The video begins with a quiet, if somewhat joyless, police ride towards a run down tenement. The police brutalize anyone in their path, before finding the culprit they were looking for: a red-headed kid with an awful chin strip. As this ginger kid is loaded into a bus full of other ginger kids, they are taken out to the desert where they are told to run. When the kids refuse, a scruffy-haired youth is promptly shot at point blank range in a very visceral scene. Then, as the rest of them flee, they are hunted down, and either beaten to death or they are bombarded with explosions from unseen sources. One par-

ticularly grisly scene shows a kid’s body being completely torn apart by an explosion. Is this too graphic? What is interesting is that the Red Band trailer for Kick-Ass is particularly easy to find, in which a little girl slings “cunts” and bullets with equal, and extreme prejudice. The violence found in “Born Free” is nothing that you can’t find anywhere else on YouTube. The nudity is brief and something that can be edited out, if not glossed over in the end anyway. So what prompts this video to be so questionable that YouTube felt it necessary to bury it? Is genocide an issue that only hits homes when those who have internet access see it? This video isn’t really about ginger genocide, but it is about showing something uncom-

fortable to audiences. This discomfort with real world issues needs to be addressed, and hiding questionable content needs to be looked at as well. The music video was buried for showing something that happens all over the world, but is conveniently overlooked in favor of other issues. Genocide does exist, it happens now, and it will happen in the future, but when it’s depicted towards those who have the luxury to watch YouTube, it’s suddenly offensive. M.I.A has accomplished what music videos should do, and that is provoke thoughts and influence reactions. The more people are visibly upset, the more chances we have to see what exactly people don’t want to be confronted with.

FROM IN UTERO TO COLLEGE GRADUATION Understanding Nirvana, 20 years later

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN THE MERM

Music tastes are an interesting thing because they are so inexplicable, so primal. There is no way to put into words why you like Metal, a pop hit, Fall Out Boy, or the local acts playing around your city. Nor is there any way to explain why our tastes change. Is the insanity/inanity of aesthetic preferences completely uninteresting or does it say something about the “taste-haver?” I offer up my own relationship with my new and old favorite band of all time, Nirvana. When I was about 12-years-old a very natural thing happened to me: Nirvana hit me like a ton of bricks. I was coming off a very awkward young relationship with music that was mostly based on Smash Mouth, Third Eye Blind, and my mom’s Lilith Fair stuff (to be fair some Violent

Illustration

RACHEL RUFRANO MUSIC EDITOR

Femmes) and Kurt Cobain’s brand of Rawk really struck a cord. From that moment on Kurt and I were inseparable. At this stage in my life I was really struck by Nirvana’s lyrics and spent a lot of time mulling them over in my head. I felt the way all young music fans do I guess, the same way kids do when they first read Catcher in the Rye. When I was a bit older, In Utero was the soundtrack to my feeling of helplessness over two relative’s bouts with cancer. But then it all changed. 2004 marked the 10year anniversary of Kurt’s suicide and all of a sudden everybody was a Nirvana fan. Their songs all went from being heavily played to massively overplayed and then there was the whole “Best of the Box” debacle with Courtney Love.

I absolutely hated Nirvana. Kurt’s voice was agonizing to listen to and the band got lumped in my mind with Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains (ughhhghh) and even the imitators like Puddle of Mudd and Creed—the singularity of awfulness. So, after dumping Nirvana along with Nu Metal I moved on to “cooler,” “indier” things like Modest Mouse and Neutral Milk Hotel, thanks to my cool new high school friends. Cue 5 years later and I am deep within both a nostalgic pop punk phase (Enema of the State twice a day) and knee-deep in ’80s punk. Everything from Black Flag to the Vaselines, when my BFF calls. “Hey, have you listened to Nirvana recently?” he asks. “No, should I?” I said hesitantly. I didn’t think they’d hold up.

But there I was with my old collection freshly loaded to my hard drive and all of a sudden I got it. I saw how the band reinterpreted hardcore music and made it absolutely perfect. Insecticide, an album I kind of skipped in my early days became a revelation and as the anniversary of the suicide passed on April 5th all I could think of was what a damn shame it was that Nirvana wasn’t still around. Certainly my reasons for liking Nirvana have changed drastically since I was 12, but did I change? In the words of Professor Goldin, was I less reasoning when I didn’t like Nirvana? I sort of believe we are predispositioned to hold certain opinions even beyond the scope of music, and maybe understanding my love for Nirvana will help me understand myself better. Maybe. UNION WEEKLY

3 MAY 2010


CULTURE ONE ALFA ROMEO WITH CREAM, PLEASE WORDS • KEVIN O’BRIEN, NEWS DIRECTOR PHOTOS • KATHY MIRANDA, CULTURE EDITOR

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ars and Coffee is an utterly selfexplanatory event. Hundreds of people gather together every Saturday morning to drink coffee and stand back, crane over, kneel beside and stare into incredible cars. The event is held in a nondescript parking lot behind the landscaping and between the prefab office buildings of Irvine. Always well attended, it stands as a fitting demonstration of the vast cultural diversity, automotive or otherwise, within Southern California. This diversity is contrasted by the cultural homogeneity of Irvine, a city that stands apart only in the way that its houses seem to color coordinate with the nearest Starbucks or Barnes and Noble franchise. It is against this taupe backdrop that the red, yellow, black and silver metal of exotic, classic, muscle and import cars gather. While the majority of the cars are privately owned they are some of the finest ever built. At a glance across the parking lot one can see row upon row of light Ferraris and low-slung Lamborghinis. Dotted between are the little red Alfa Romeos, iconic Italian roadsters known for their ability to thrill one moment and disappoint the next. The Alfa’s perfect red paint blends with the worn tan leather of the interior to create a whole greater than the sum of its parts. Countless Mustangs both new and old, original and modified can be seen between the obligatory mass of Corvettes. Intermingled in this mass of American power and Italian poise are the imports. They stand hoods open, turbo chargers and torsion bars on full display, fully functional yet visually ornamental. Bright blue Subarus detailed in pink stand on gold rims and vie for attention next to angular

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Mitsubishis with gaping intakes. The cars and their corresponding cultures are varied and numerous representing a number of different generations, ethnic and racial backgrounds as well as economic classes. All of these groups approach their cars with a different tact. Some value liter upon liter of power in huge supercharged V8 and V10 engines, shaking and burbling through dual exhausts. Others look for efficiency and acceleration, the smallest engine producing the most power, imported lightweights that leave you at the line listening to the deep hum of defeat. Then there are the restorers who carefully and meticulously restore and care for vintage cars. Unconcerned with speed, and in some cases even transportation, there’s is a purist for a time past. While these groups and their ideologies are divergent, the atmosphere at Cars and Coffee is entirely casual. Some car owners upon request will allow you to touch, inspect and even sit in their cars. This may seem like an innocuous gesture until you realize that some of the cars cost hundreds of thousands of dollars completely stock, while other cars have had thousands of dollars worth of modifications and upgrades requiring many hundreds of man-hours. What Cars and Coffee provides is a respite from the outside world, a world that doesn’t want to hear about intercoolers or variable boost control. It’s a cultural gathering in the truest sense of the word, sub cultures being brought together in the spirit of mutual education and entertainment and commiseration. Plus, as an added bonus at the end of the morning, you can watch as your favorite cars burn out and accelerate away towards the freeway.


SPORTS

LEAVE ME ALONE A NEW SPORT THAT I INVENTED, FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION. ANDY KNEIS SPORTS EDITOR

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Illustration

kay it’s a slow week for sports. Most teams are out on the road, and with finals coming up, finding contributors for the sports page is getting harder and harder. Also, I wasn’t ready and then life attacked so here I am scrambling to get everything done before graduation. That’s not to say I’m not putting my all into my page though! Instead, as a special treat to you, my loyal readers, I will be presenting a brand new sport for your enjoyment. I call it: Leave Me Alone. It’s a sports breakthrough. Unlike other sports that are expensive and you need friends or enemies to be able to play, Leave Me Alone can be played at any time of the day with as many people as you’d like. Also, it’s pretty fun if my opinion counts for anything. It does. It’s fun.

CHRIS FABELA CREATIVE ARTS EDITOR

The rules of the game are simple. Any time of the day at any place, you just don’t bother me. Maybe you see me in the hall, if you run away before I see you, you get some points! Nice going! You get like a hundred points or whatever. Maybe you feel like making some noise around me for some reason. If you shut up and let me live in peace, you get even more points. Pretty much any time you are not talking to me or interacting with me, you win! Sound easy? It is! Sound fun? Sorta! It’s a cool sport where all you can just go about your normal day, racking up the points the entire time. That’s exciting. Don’t just limit it to me, though, because I’m the inventor. Try leaving other people alone too. That way you can add more obstacles to the game and potentially

get even more Big Points. You can make the guidlines broad, like maybe just leave all your friends alone for a few days. Or, you can get specific, like avoid that guy in the loincloth forever until the end of time. Be careful though, being a champion at my new sport means careful planning. The ideal strategy is to lock yourself in a small space and don’t make any noise until you die, but sports are never without their obstacles. Life will throw plenty of those at you in the form of basic bodily functions like urination or eating. When you’re out and about urinating or eating you might bother me or others and lose points. Or, since this game was just invented, you might have made the mistake of making connections and having people care about you and want to see you. Big mistake. It will

be hard to leave them alone and get more points. These people can throw a wrench in your plans with their feelings and cause you to lose big time. Since I am the inventor of the sport I can give you a few tips. Try faking your death or maybe just shut up for a second and let me think. The game doesn’t really make sense if you get too complicated. Just leave me alone and don’t bother me with noises or words for a while. If you want an extra challenge, leave some other people alone too! It could be fun. Show your friends this article so they can leave me alone and who knows, maybe they will choose you as a person to not bother. Give the game a shot. I have a feeling that it could really catch on. Look out baseball, America’s got a new passtime.

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3 MAY 2010


LBUSD ROTTING EDUCATION TO THE CORE FOLASHADE ALFORD UNION STAFFER

I have bills to pay and those bills , aren’t just going to go away even though my job does.

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walked into Joe Jost’s to meet with a Long Beach middle school teacher. Let’s call him John. When I called John to set up the interview, he was reluctant to talk to me, which made perfect sense. Why would he want to talk about such a delicate situation with a perfect stranger? With some convincing he agreed because we had a mutual friend. I waited a good 15 minutes alone, glancing at the door every few seconds. I was so sure he decided to back out at the last moment, but then I called him and he waved at me from his booth. I approached the man, his gray-streaked hair pulled back into a long braid, a visor resting atop his head. In the beginning of March I was notified that my former teacher at Poly High, Myriam Gurba, had received a pink slip. I didn’t even know that Long Beach Unified was laying people off, let alone what it entailed. I didn’t know what I could do to help or if there was even anything to be done. At first I was angry and blamed the district, but I realized later it wasn’t completely their fault. LBUSD is laying off teachers because there simply isn’t enough money in the budget for education. Cuts are being made anywhere and everywhere and they’re starting with teachers. The district starts with a seniority list—a huge document listing all current teachers in the district including their start dates, teaching sites and credentials. The list starts at two, the newest teacher hired, and goes all the way to 4,664, that old ass teacher who never retires. A few weeks ago there were hearings to contest the layoff notices due to mass confusion as well as errors in the actual list (incorrect start dates and credentials). The Teacher’s

Association of Long Beach hired a lawyer to dispute the distribution of the pink slips. A majority of the teachers being laid off are from the elementary schools, where the newest teachers work. That alone can’t solve the problem, as it won’t completely make up the budget’s deficit of $32.6 million. From the elementary schools they moved to the middle and high schools to try and “capture,” as HR for the district put it, as many teachers as possible to layoff. Their only source to evaluate teachers is the faulty seniority list. Besides having incorrect information for numerous teachers, what if a number of teachers had the same start date? In that case it will come down to tie-breaking measures such as having an Advancement Via Individual Determination (AVID) credential, or a multiple subject credential, that would allow one person to get more points over the other. There’s also the possibility to take the job of somebody above you on the list to save yourself. This was coined “bumping” by either the district or TALB. In some cases the district is allowing teachers to take a position they haven’t taught or have a credential in. There’s also some dispute over who is actually qualified to teach. Teachers are either board or supplemental-authorized to teach. A board authorization is the approval from the school board to teach without a credential in that subject. So they could be teaching math and English, but only have the credential in math. Supplemental authorization means that a teacher has an additional credential for whatever subject. Unlike the teacher who is teaching dual subjects, they actually have credentials for both.


, I got upset. . . I’m the younger one here so it just kinda made me feel alone, like , there s nobody else with me.

When it comes down to it, what do all these documents, lists, measures, and authorizations really mean? I went to a hearing the district was holding to determine teachers’ fates to try and gain some perspective on what was happening to Gurba and her colleagues. Lawyers spouted legal precedents, similar cases, and read out numbers. It was frustrating, listening to them attach a number to a teacher, seemingly forgetting that on the other end there’s a person with a life, goals, and bills to pay. I’ve met with a few teachers, each representing different experiences with this process. My goal is to show people that behind that number of 1,000 teachers losing their jobs there are individuals, with their own story. In the elementary schools the class sizes are kept small for a reason: kids are crazy. It’s extremely hard to keep a group of kids on task with just one teacher. For almost the last 12 years the ratio has been kept at 20 kids to 1 teacher. Now with these impending layoffs the number will probably jump to 30 to 1. I met with an elementary school teacher in Long Beach last week. She wishes to remain anonymous in case she gets called back to teach and she doesn’t want her name to be tainted. It’s a shitty situation where somebody who’s going to lose her job can’t freely speak her mind without consequence. For the purpose of this piece I’ll call her Samantha. She was also afraid to talk to me initially but she warmed up. She doesn’t have any negative feelings towards the situation, even though she has every right to have them. The thing that has got to be the hardest is continuing to teach when you know you can’t return. She described her

initial reaction to her layoff: “I got upset and I had to leave the room for a little bit. Here, at my school I’m the younger one, so it just kinda made me feel alone, like there’s nobody else with me.” Since then she’s rebounded tremendously and put a positive spin on the situation. There’s little hope that her job will be saved, even though she holds a bilingual credential, but she’s come to terms with that, “I feel like my heart has been prepared all year and now that the year is coming to an end I’m kinda excited to start the new thing with my family.” She decided not to go to the hearings—because she didn’t really have anything to contest, it wouldn’t be worth all the commotion. Without her teaching position in the Fall, Samantha has decided to stay home with her kids to try and offset the cost of child care. She also got her certification to be a kickboxing instructor. She’s a little bit better off than some of her friends, “I’m more concerned about my single friends who studied for this and now they’re now going to lose their job. I have a husband—we can work together and figure it out, but they’re alone.” This is the situation Gurba is in. Initially, when she got her pink slip she didn’t know what to do, “I think the first emotion that I experienced when the first notices came out was just panic. You know, holy crap. What am I gonna do? I have bills to pay and those bills aren’t just going to go away even though my job does. So, that was really the worst emotion and then the anxiety.” Her situation might be the scariest, just because she doesn’t know what’s going to happen. She’s in layoff limbo. While the district waits to notify the teachers, many have to start thinking of what-if scenarios.

What the district may do is terminate the sub pool and use laid-off teachers instead, and if that’s the case, that might be Gurba’s only option. “I’m not really cut out to do anything [else]. I worked at McDonald’s one night for the Make a Wish foundation for two hours and I was good on the fry machine. Aside from that I’m good with children… I can, uh, what else can I do?” She is going to bring up various issues at the May third and fourth hearings, such as incorrect start dates for other teachers. It’s really all a teacher can do to save their job. “I feel that at this point it’s really up to every individual to fight on their own behalf and that’s the arena in which it has to be done.” John is one of the few who the district has asked to keep. Because they waited so long to make a decision, it is now up to the Judge to make a recommendation. After that it’s still up to the school board to decide who they want to keep. “I just feel like if they wanted to keep me, why didn’t they just rescind my letter, you know?” Even though John has hope, he still doesn’t feel safe, and plans to sub in a worst-case scenario. Luckily, he’ll still be able to use the benefits available from his wife who is also a teacher in LBUSD. What about all those people in the credential program almost qualified to be a teacher? Well they’ll probably go down another road. Samantha’s student teacher said, “I know if I start something else it might be too stable to go back and would it be worth it?” Essentially it comes down to our government; the budget has to get better before we can get the teachers back. Even then, who’s to say that they’ll want to return just to be laid off again? UNION WEEKLY

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ENTERTAINMENT WE LIKE YOU, WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU ACTORS YOU WOULD WATCH NO MATTER HOW BAD OR FULL OF ANIMATRONIC BEARS THEIR MOVIE MIGHT BE CAITLIN CUTT

LITERATURE EDITOR, CATE BLANCHETT ENTHUSIAST

JAMES KISLINGBURY

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR, BILL MURRAY ENTHUSIAST

T

here are all kinds of great actors out there. There are actors like Morgan Freeman or Anthony Hopkins who always seem to play the same character in every movie and there are chameleons like Philip Seymore Hoffman or Toshiro Mifune who can disappear into a role perfectly. Then there’s bizarre wild cards like Tilda Swinton or Nic Cage (when he’s actually in a good movie, that is), who never fail to create some-

thing compelling or bizarre in their roles. Then there’s great actors who are simply more likable than all the rest. It isn’t clear why they’re more enjoyable than anyone else, they just are. They have a certain charm which beckons you to watch them. They demand it. They are of a skill where, after watching a rather crappy movie, you’ll walk out and say, “Well, at least they were good.” These are they.

TOM HANKS

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

First of all, if you think you don’t like Tom Hanks, you’re wrong. Of course you like him. Everyone does. He’s played a not-really-that-retarded guy, a gay guy dying of AIDS, a guy who falls in love with Meg Ryan, a very rich guy who falls in love with Meg Ryan again (but that time it was over the web), Woody the freaking cowboy; and while we all watched him sputter out “Earn this!” as he died on a bridge in France, we cried a little harder because he’s the same guy who danced on a giant keyboard. Because of this unbelievably loveable litany of characters Mr. Hanks has played, we forget the crappy movies that would make us think twice about other actors. If he’s in a movie, we’re all going to see it because it’s going to be a good movie, and if it’s not we’ll forget it ever happened. It’s Tom Hanks, guys. (CC)

An appearance by Christopher Walken in a movie will do nothing to make a movie worse. That said, if you are watching a movie with even so much as a frame of him in it, you’re either watching an amazing film, or a movie that is so bad even an ironic viewing of it is can’t save it. He’s been in Annie Hall, and Gigli. The Wedding Crashers and Balls of Fury. Pulp Fiction and Blast from the Past. But the weird thing is, even when you walk away from a piece of trash like, The Country Bears, you still have the very real consolation of having been blessed with the wonderful weirdness of, what everyone should now call, the Walkentalk-effect. To put simply, if you can steal a scene away from Woody Allen, you can make any scene worth watching. And since you’re there, you may as well watch the rest of that shitty movie too. (CC)

BRUCE WILLIS

FRANCIS MCDORMAND

Bruce Willis is the guy every boy wishes he could be. He is the guy every girl wants to date. He is also the most charming man in the entire world, but sometimes the guy fucks up in a major way. All this adds up to one thing: Bruce Willis is the deadbeat dad of Hollywood. There have been periods of his career where this guy dragged us through one pile of shit after another, leaving us disappointed and frankly, upset (see Unbreakable, The Story of Us, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle). But when we were all young, and our relationship with him was less complicated, he was our hero (Die Hard). Thus, we will all sit and watch him in anything because while he doesn’t always show up, when he does we all get to ride on his motorcycle, stay up all night, and watch movies mom doesn’t want us to. (CC)

There’s never been a moment in McDormand’s incredibly strong career that’s felt naïve, out of control, or shabby. But at the same time, she’s not what you’d call a powerhouse either. This is because McDormand usually is cast in roles that are totally thankless. Besides Fargo, where she finally got to shine, McDormand has embodied the fundament of the “supporting role.” Additionally, even when she was younger, there’s never been anything particularly youthful or sexy about her—at least not in an overt way. That’s not to say men don’t find her attractive, but boys certainly won’t be thinking about Francis McDormand in the shower. She is the ultimate grown-up actress, and thus when Cameron Crowe cast Francis McDormand as the mom in Almost Famous, he crystallized a feeling that had surrounded this woman since Blood Simple. She is all that is “mom.” She is the female Atticus Finch, and we will see her in anything because we have to—in a good way. (CC)

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS We will see Daniel Day-Lewis in anything by virtue of the other things you can compare Daniel Day-Lewis to. For example, Daniel Day-Lewis is like Chanel. No one will ever say that Chanel is just okay. Even if you know anything about fashion, you know that Chanel is perfect, and your opinion doesn’t matter, and no matter how weird something looks (Unbearable Lightness of Being), you just assume that it’s well made due to the name it has. Also, Daniel Day-Lewis is like The Godfather. If you don’t like The Godfather, never tell anyone that. If you do, everyone will know that you have no taste in anything and that you’re an asshole. Odds are, you don’t get anything the man’s done because he’s also like The New Yorker—undeniably pretentious, brilliant, and never going anywhere. (CC)

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3 MAY 2010

MICHAEL CAINE

Sir Michael Caine since the very beginning of his career, with movies like Zulu and Get Carter, has represented a perfect mix of masculine class and ruggedness. Not only is he one of the most charismatic actors of all time, but he’s also one of the most talented. Despite being known for acting in schlock like Jaws 3D, he’s always likeable and still manages to crank out performances like in The Quiet American, which he won an Oscar for. Caine is the type of guy who could get a drink with James Bond and not look out of place, which he can actually do as a close friend with Sean Connery. He’s Michael Caine and the world is his damn oyster. (JK)


LITERATURE

HOT BODIES OF WORK AUTHORS YOU WOULDN’T MIND SEEING COVER-TO-COVER ALEXANDRA SCIARRA UNION STAFFER

ALBERT CAMUS

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

D.H. LAWRENCE

The French-Algerian author and philosopher Albert Camus has been studied by scholars looking to trace his lifetime pursuit of perceiving human eroticism and how love dictates an individual's existence in comparison to society. Additionally, he had a large say in both the existentialist and absurdist schools of philosophy. In his 1942 essay Le Mythe de Sisyphe (The Myth of Sisyphus), Camus illustrates his ideas on the absurd and its requisite recognition with “the total absence of hope, which has nothing to do with despair, a continual refusal, which must not be confused with renouncement—and a conscious dissatisfaction.” Camus is also famous for his works La Chute (The Fall) and L’Exil et le royaume (Exile and the Kingdom). A strict pursuit of moral order within his work found a place within the classicism of art. Although many celebrate the author as a advocate of existentialism, he contrarily refuted the label, citing his contemporary Sartre as well as his own surprise in seeing their “names linked.”

Before Burt Reynolds posed nude for Cosmopolitan, Hemingway lived as the very first ‘most interesting man in the world.’ In a Royal Tenenbaumian fashion Hemingway participated in a number of intriguing extracurricular activities throughout his life. He first learned to love the sport of hunting as an infant when he accompanied his father on many expeditions, and as a self-professed fan of a good fight, Hemingway cited one of his great passions as boxing. Since his father was a physician, Hemingway became learned in the arts and music in a relatively safe and clean neighborhood. Not even the experience of serving in World War I could shake him. His time spent overseas gave him a new and unfamiliar perspective, and he eventually returned home a decorated as war hero. Eventually Hemingway lived in Paris where he was mentored by Gertrude Stein and Ezra Pound. In the face of his own failures, Hemingway committed suicide, believing that life was a tragedy with only one possible end.

The early 20th century English novelist D.H. Lawrence centered his work on the detachment society faced in the age of industrialization. Most notably though, Lawrence existed as a heavily persecuted artist whose work, which more often than not dealt with human sexuality, earned him many critics. By the time of his death he maintained a popular reputation of a pornographer whose artistic talents had gone unused for a greater good. In a rebuttal to that prevailing opinion, E.M. Forster published an obituary notice lauding Lawrence as “the greatest imaginative novelist of [his] generation.” Generally, the rule of great and controversial art dictates that only time will soften its divisive standing. The literary critic F.R Leavis fought to maintain the artistic integrity of Lawrence’s work, identifying it as being in line with the great tradition of modernist English novels. Today, the once-taboo author exists within the safe realm of other great visionary thinkers and modernists within English literature.

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3 MAY 2010


CREATIVE ARTS

Art

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3 MAY 2010

JAMES KISLINGBURY KIND OF A DICK


COMICS

unexplained imaginings by Jack Jackson

EASY

HARD

Forgotten Fall by Jeff Chang

http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com/

jeff.chang.art@gmail.com

Merrily, we roll along... Send feedback to: victorpc.union@gmail.com Or leave comments at the Union office Student Union Office 239

HARD

ANSWERS

EASY

Garage Sketchbook by elisa

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3 MAY 2010


Disclaimer:

This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Twitsphere. Send rags to bear.grun@gmail.com

“He’s like the Captain Planet of whiteness.”

Volume 66 Issue 12

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Scientists Determine Cocaine to be “F-f-f-fuckin’Awesome”

LBUNION.COM

Jeff Bridges Drifts off into Astral Plane, Tweets

BY GAELIC FORESKYNE MIAMI, FL. – Chemical engineers and addiction medicine specialists at Whitney Houston College of Medicine discovered that cocaine contains properties of being “f-f-ffuckin’ awesome.” Dr. Zhivagostein, a senior technician, met with us at his North Miami laboratory/apartment to discuss his discovery. An unlit cigarette dangled from his lips and the doctor looked like he hadn’t slept in days. “Can’t sleep, that’s when the party stops, knowwudImean? The p-pp-party stops for no man. Party’s a goddamn juggernaut.” Zhivagostein has followed the trends and effects of cocaine usage for most of his adult life. He originally began his research in the late 1970s in New York before he later moved on to study the drug culture of San Francisco, where they don’t try to sell you any of that bunk-ass, babypowder, Mexican shit. Man, pure Columbian over there, man. “The good shit,” Zhivagostein reported to us. “Man, it’s l-l-like, uh, you aren’t a cop, are ya?” said Dr. Zhivagostein as he checked for his lighter between his couch cushions for the third time. “The fuck is my lighter, man? You got a fuckin’ lighter?” After forgetting about his lighter

BY JEFF BRIDGES, BEST ACTOR

Dr. Zhivagostein (above, middle) seen researching the effects of cocaine on a couple of lab rats.

briefly and moving over to a half eaten chalupa, one of his interns, Dr. Earlhauser, emerged from the bathroom. When not sleeping in Zhivagostein’s bathtub, Earlhauser aids his boss in hunting down the most useful test samples in the area. “Chalupas are for champions, fuckface. You don’t get none ’c-c-ccause you weak, man. You can’t handle this flavor, man. Go get me some fuckin’ f-f-f-fire sauce, man,” said the senior doctor to his assistant. Zhivagostein’s current experiment on the half-life of made-up Mexican fast food was cut short by the discovery of a middle-aged cocktail waitress wedged behind a fish tank. “Oh God, oh shit, oh God, man. Oh man, we gotta get her to a f-f-ff-fuckin’ doctor, man,” Zhivagostein

went on to say. “We are fuckin’ doctors!” “Oh Jesus, what’d w-w-we do!?” “We gotta snort the evidence away. We gotta snort it all away, man. We gotta do ‘L’s until there’s no more ‘L’s to do.” After tidying up the apartment of three grand worth of test material, Zhivagostein cleaned the house from top to bottom while chain smoking. Earlhauser was far more detached, but he did have this to say after grabbing us and throwing us in a corner. “Do you know that ‘if ’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too.”

With the invention of the internet and the net and the web, things have been getting pretty wild. It took me a while to get a computer just because I haven’t been using human money for a very long time. I had to learn the hard way that the prejudiced stores all around the world won’t accept inter-dimensional currency. This article isn’t about social commentary though, it’s about Jeff Bridges embracing technology like the sweet embrace of a cyberlover. I have begun to post on Twitter, and through that I have conquered the internet and parts beyond. I purchased a Twitter Crystal from the nearest vendor and I’ve been making twit after legendary twit. It’s really fun to power up my Twitter Crystal and know that the whole internet can enjoy my thoughts and updates through astral projection and the like. Without this technology, how would people know that earlier today I moved over to the kid’s urinal so I could urinate on a pencil and finally check

that off my Bucket List? Or how would they know to now refer to me as J Bridge$? Don’t worry, I will also be able to use this Astral Twitter to give updates on society and other pressing issues that people come to expect from me, J Bridge$, the actor. For instance, I was the first to break the news that it rained during the night when I was sleeping a few nights ago! It was wet outside when I woke up, I used my journalism abilities to get the facts and weed out the fluff and I was able to report with confidence that it rained the night before. I could feel the cosmic energy from the internet that morning. As if to say, “Thank you Bridge$, my morning and life is better, thanks to you. My chi is going apeshit because of your cool astrotwits.” Anyway, yeah, look out for me on the internet and in your dreams and know that I will always be there to give you the info you need to know. And seriously, write my name with the dollar sign on it. It’s for a project I’m doing. Just do what I say before I start getting mad. Peace be with you, goodnight my star child.

INSIDE

BP Announces Free Oil Giveaway to Gulf Shore Residents, Waterfowl

Kentucky Derby Won by Some Short Guy

Oil company BP announced this week that residents living on the shore of the Gulf of Mexico would be receiving free oil as part of an explosive new promotion. “We’ll be rolling out 5,000 barrels of oil each day free of charge. Just grab a bucket and head to your local beach,” said a BP representative. “And be sure to wring out any seabirds you see, as they’ll be covered in more free oil.”

According to the news, the Kentucky Derby happened and was probably won by some really short, skinny guy on a horse. Nobody really watched it, but the horse probably had some stupid name. They always give those horses stupid names. What’s wrong with just calling the horse “Lightning” or something cool like that? What the hell is a “Secretariat?” Anyways, if you like sports that take a total of two minutes and smell like horsecrap, google it. PAGE GLU

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Renaissance Faire Full of Continuity Errors þæg B2


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