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[Issue 61.1] “Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” ~Charles Bukowski

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know what you’re saying, ‘‘Cheap trick Union Weekly. Put the word ‘‘sex’’ on the cover and there’s no way I could pass it up.” While this may have been a very calculated ploy on our part, if you’re reading this now it definitely worked. See, we here at the Union Weekly understand you; or at least we think we do. We understand why you pick up the Union each week. Because at one time or another, we were just like you, just a normal student looking for something to do during class. Just like us, you need to be entertained. Whether it comes in the form of video games, a live show, or sex, all college students yearn for stimulation of one kind or another, and the Union is here for you. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX; do I have your attention again? Ok. It seems like it came so easily for those EIC’s who have preceded me. Their words perfectly placed in some sort of eloquent sentence structure that I am not familiar with. And their ideas succinct and cohesive. They knew why they first came to the Union. Mainly, it seems like they were all in search of something, something out of the norm, something that would allow them to express the angst they held inside. For me, well, it was just hot outside, and the guy next to me in the music listening lounge wouldn’t shut up about how kick ass Pepper was... ( I hate Pepper, and I just wanted a few minutes of sleep before class). So I begrudgingly gave up my beanbag to another poor sap, who in turn was now going to have to endure a whole block of Pepper (sorry man). As I walked through the courtyard I noticed an ominous pirate flag hanging from a window, and a loud “conversation” billowing out of a door connected to said pirate flag. That door ended up being the door to the Union Weekly, and like so many before me, I instantly

knew I was home. It’s been three semesters since I first stepped onto CSULB’s campus, and to be honest, I wouldn’t change one step I’ve taken. Everything in my life pushed me in the direction of this office. Whether it was not moving to Mammoth, or finally deciding I should probably get my shit together and get the hell out of academia’s version of limbo, (Junior College), everything has added up to this. And I’m pleased as punch about it. The Union has surrounded me with people I genuinely love, as well as admire. The ideas, writing, and creativity that goes on in this office on a daily basis still consistently blows my mind. As you know, there are “options” on this campus to get your entertainment from other venues, but we don’t recommend it. Every week we work our asses off for you: yes, you. Even if the paper is just something to put your head behind in class, we want the last thing you see before you close your eyes to make you chuckle. Every so often someone posts on our website or tells someone in the office that we give them a reason to come to school on Monday. This is exactly why we spend more time in this office than most of you do at your jobs and in bed combined. This newspaper is one of the only things on this campus that is completely genuine year in and year out, and we have no intention of changing that. So, your first week of school looks to be a hot one by the way. Could reach ninety. I’m just sayin’. But our office has air conditioning Fred and video games; –Dino of the Week so maybe it’s time to stop by and say hello.

–Ryan Kobane Editor-In-Chief

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The women’s volleyball team started the season ranked in the top 20 nationally, but after two close losses at home does Alexis Crimes think they can rebound? By Ryan ZumMallen

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Why the students need ASI, and what your new prez is going to do for you. By Vincent Girimonte

Two-hundred plus surveys were filled out by random CSULB students during the summer. See where, how, and why we are bumping uglies, and then try to figure out how many people were lying.

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12 What’s been the hottest pick-up line this summer? Hello, I’m Seth Rogen. By Darren Davis

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This is a Pinback interview By Ryan Kobane

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Ryan Kobane Editor-in-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Michael Pallotta Matt Dupree Associate Editors Darren Davis Business Manager

ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com Darren@lbunion.com

Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Michaël Veremans Opinion Editors Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Savage Gones Grunion Editor

vince@lbunion.com kathy@lbunion.com zummallen@lbunion.com victor@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com staff@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas Literature Editor & PR Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director

philip@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Erin Hickey Ryan ZumMallen Matt Dupree Copy Editors Vincent Girimonte Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barret Internet Caregiver

sales@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Derek Crossley, Drew Evans, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger.

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

1 September 2007


News

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

New President Hits the Mark

By Michaël Veremans Opinions Editor

By Vincent Girimonte

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Bush’s Evil Aura Strikes Again

News Director

ou have to be a little disillusioned to run for an ASI office at CSULB. After all, how else can you enthusiastically operate a student body that is stuck in traffic for most of the day? The sad truth remains this: despite ASI efforts for a stronger campus community, students at Long Beach State are ambivalent to student government and will be so long as their reason for existence remains a mystery. Mark Andrews acknowledges this, he probably even realizes that nine out of ten people on campus probably do not recognize him or his title, which is something he aims to change. “There is no pride at this school,” says Andrews with a determined tone that didn’t quite match his summer garb. “I know this, that’s why we need to go to the students.” The “we” he’s referring to is Associated Students Incorporated (ASI), the campus organization responsible for the Student Union and student government: an organization that he finds a bit aloof to the student majority. “I’ll be out there flipping burgers, getting to know the students,” Andrews promises with a straight face, along with installing several programs intent on getting students to sporting events and back on-campus. He also encourages students to drop by The Nugget, the infamous campus pub, where he plans to maintain office hours so that students can chat it up while enjoying a delicious brew and a game of pool. The Student Senate is also in need of a more productive mission statement, believes An-

Campus Calen d a r Sept. 1st-9th

Sat.-Sun. Dorm Move-In Hooooray! You’re on your own forever!

Sun.-Thurs. Visiting Artist Series presents Saturo Hoshino @Max Gustav Gallery

Mon. Labor Day!

No work, unless you work.

Tues. First Day of Class Show up, or whatever. It really means little in the long run.

drews. “They dotted ‘I’s and crossed ‘T’s last year. They need to pass more resolutions, more than bylaw amendments.” As a person who covered Senate meetings, it was a refreshing revelation and slightly unexpected coming from an ASI employee’s mouth. This is just another example of a disconnect which Andrews hopes to amend. “In the past, ASI has waited for students to come to them, and that needs to change.” “I don’t think she really knew what she was getting into,” says Andrews of his predecessor, former ASI President Shefali Mistry. Andrews beat Mistry last semester in a very tight election, which he only won after hours upon hours of campaigning in every campus corner, often times to the chagrin of students hoping for a walk to class without a suited kid looking for a vote. When asked why Mistry was not invited back into the ASI, an invitation only Andrews can issue, he was frank in his criticism. “I really couldn’t appoint her, knowing her reputation for showing up late. I told her that,” adding that it was now his name at stake . He also highlight-

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

ed the empty cabinet positions that popped up frequently throughout ASI last year, which Andrews has addressed, claiming every position has been filled. You walk away from Mark Andrews knowing his heart is in the right place, but also with some doubts as to whether he has enough to improve CSULB’s spirit as much as he would like, which is a reasonable reservation for any ASI officer. It will be a challenge, but at least he’ll be flipping burgers.

Summer News, Makes Me Feel Fine By Vincent Girimonte News Director

CSULB Buys Brooks College For a meager $11.1 million, Long Beach State is now a proud owner of Brooks College, an art institution just minutes away from the CSULB campus. The campus will primarily be used for additional student housing. Roughly 200 CSULB students are currently living on the Brooks campus. Brooks College is no longer enrolling students, and will vacate the property in June 2009 once students finish their programs. President F. King Alexander made student housing a keystone of his agenda, and this is more evidence that he is indeed a man of his word. The formula seems to be this: more students around campus, more community feel, which likely means more money for the school. While the off-campus student housing may not be ideal, (and a bumpy shuttle ride is your only link to class) students will have more options for comfortable dorm life, without being forced into dorms on crack, like Baycrest and Beverly Plaza. It’s been twenty-one years since CSULB’s last additon to their student housing operation. The dorms will be operated by the University, along with 49er shops running the food service. The ever reliable University Police will expand their patroling to include the new Brooks location and ncidently, the new dorms will be significantly closer to In-N-Out.

Grant to Boost Campus Safety Last fall saw CSULB running scared due to several sexual assaults on campus. Fliers were posted, security was tight, and many called for a school wide culture change. As it stands today, we are still a very on-alert campus. A $200,000 grant from the Department of Justice aims to aide CSULB in their efforts to end violence, specifically violence towards women. “Project SAFE: A Campus Response Toward Eliminating Violence” will receive the bulk of the money, providing educational programs and sexual assault sensitivity for faculty, students, staff, and administrators. The grant was won through the efforts of the Women’s Resource Center, with assistance from the Long Beach Sexual Assault Crisis Agency and Interval House. CSULB will also be adding more lighting to the campus’ dim areas, which are considered a danger for students walking home or to cars after late night studying. More money in hand to fight these spurts of violence is certainly a boost for campus safety and I would be very surprised if we had a repeat of last year’s string of attacks. We are now prepared, or so it seems. We should have been ready after the first attack, but I guess it takes something as profound as students not feeling safe to walk home at night for real changes to be made. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: vince@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Police Officer Germaine Casey died last week in Rio Rancho, New Mexico while riding as escort for President George Bush, who was visiting for a fundraiser for Senator Domenici R-N.M. Officer Casey had received special presidential motorcade training in addition to having previous experience as an escort to both President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney. The motorcycle reportedly hit a curb and then a tree, but police are still trying to determine how it happened. Bush is said to have watched the event from his car. It was nothing new to him in light of his first motorcade fatality since just a year ago when Officer Steve Favela of Honolulu died of wounds he received during a crash while in a presidential motorcade. Note to motorcade cops: don’t drive for President Bush.

Gay Republicans? Indian-giver Senator Larry Craig, R-Idaho has retracted his guilty plea for a charge of seeking an anonymous gay hook-up that he incurred on July 11th in the Minneapolis Airport. He claims he had mistakenly pleaded guilty and has already apologized to the state of Idaho while re-asserting his heterosexuality with his beard, Suzanne Craig, at his side. The senator, whose sexuality, and most new-waver’s, has been in question since the 80’s, was apparently caught tapping his foot in a stall of the airport bathroom, a signal known by police officers to be an invitation to engage in “lewd behavior.” He has also been forced to retract his assistance in the Romney campaign and is currently trying to ward off the gay-witch hunt before he comes up for re-election in 2008.

Next Drink’s On Me, Astronaut! Two astronauts were caught drinking heavily in the “immediate pre-launch period” says a NASA internal investigations report. The investigation was looking at both misconduct by the astronauts (as well as astronauts who have drunk before past launches) as well as the health issues involved with drinking and space-shuttle high life. Toasts and just plain drinking have been common in the Russian space program for years, but American cosmonauts have been asked to “think before they drink” and also before they are blasted into the great unknown. I say if Bush can run America tanked, an astronaut can die in a freak shuttle explosion lit off his ass.

Provided By AP

Your Weekend Hi 79° Lo 63° Normalish

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Opinions By Michaël Veremans Opinions Editor Margaret Thomas, Haile Rivera, Michael Griffith: do these names sound familiar? They shouldn’t, because they were the everyman dream-team of Barack Obama campaign donors that were carefully selected to enjoy an intimate dinner with the candidate on July 11th. The dinner was so intimate, in fact, that a film crew was present and the whole thing was aired on TV and the web. It seemed like a pilot for a new show, creatively entitled, “Dinner with Barack” (yes, we can call him by his first name, it’s OK). In the beginning of the year, Obama supporters decided that the public didn’t know enough about him and launched a public quiz, asking among other questions about his background, why did he decide to run for president? This open-ended question was answered enthusiastically by a campaign worker, “Because it’s time for a change.” So when people say you don’t know Obama, they don’t mean you don’t know his policies and his political experience, they mean you don’t know him as a person, that way his social and ethnic mélange of supporters don’t have to worry about any real issues. I think our candidates (at least the Democrats) have figured out that they no longer have to tell us political lies; they just have to fill our heads with celebrity appeal and pop-culture non-sense. Things like the dinner and the praise-singing “Obama Girl” have managed to keep the record breaking primaries campaign a “polite” affair. At a recent fundraiser in Hollywood, Obama raised $1.3 million while Clinton raised $1 million from rich and

The ads were inappropriate and more like advertising than actual politics; I didn’t expect that from the candidates. -Bwezani Mukuka

Freshman, Civil Engineering

regular Democrats alike, but what do they spend that money on? Not leaflets with their economic and social goals, no. Instead, they do things like set up a Facebook clone site (My.BarackObama.com) and spoof campaign commercials with so little political weight, it would make FDR swoon in his wheelchair. Take Clinton’s recent campaign ad: The scene is the last episode of The Sopranos, the Clintons are sitting down in a diner next to a jukebox. Bill Clinton (who Hilary only keeps around until someone mentions Monicagate) orders fatty food before asking Hilary what her new campaign

A Few Short Words On Campaigning

The New (Ugly) Face Of Campaigning

song will be. The anticipation kinda builds as she puts money in the jukebox and selects the song. What will it be? You have to log onto her website to find out, so I did… Oh, it’s some Celine Dion song. Isn’t she Canadian? Some call the campaign ad a parody, some a spoof, but me, I just call it a shitty attempt to win over middle-America. More important than that, though, is what the commercial says about modern campaigning. It says that the candidates are expecting us not to notice that there wasn’t one political message in the whole thing or that this is all a character race; there wasn’t one word about Hilary’s famous healthcare platform. This new style of campaigning also shows how the candidates want to represent themselves. Not so much as someone who will be controlling the biggest military in the world and one of the biggest national budgets, but as common people like you and me. Last I checked, Martha’s Vineyard doesn’t look like a Denny’s. They are making caricatures of themselves for a TV-soaked and comfortably numb public when both parties are playing for the same team and no one wants to budge the status quo. It’s too bad that the Republicans are too busy bickering amongst themselves to sit down and turn out some mediocre media spectacle. I can’t wait until the real race for the White House

Miranda Carnessale, Senior Technical Theater

Most people look for three things in a candidate: height, looks, and a name that sounds good after the word “president.” Candidates now are just trying to make people think they know them.

Michael Hren, Freshman Finance

It’s all about personality and if you appeal to the people they’ll vote for you. It’s just a big popularity race anyway.

Jasmine Burton, Freshman Bio-Medical Engineering

The ads are getting people who are normally more interested in popculture in to politics.

begins, after the primaries. That’s when the next season of this gross and pitiful reality show plays itself out and into the hands of national self-destruction. Only then will we know for sure that campaigns have taken a turn for the worst when TV critics talk about candidates more than political pundits, and college students have to write articles like this. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Poor Alberto’s Almanac Says Time To Quit By Vincent Girimonte Token Swede U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned last Monday under intense scrutiny from Democrats and Republicans, and pretty much everybody else willing to give an opinion. It was his hand that fired nine U.S. District Attorneys and his discrete maneuvering through Congress that prolonged the United States’ illegal surveillance of its citizens. I’ll clarify my approval of his public humiliation—the man lied to his constituents and his colleagues, and by all accounts he deserved whatever he got for that offense alone. But I doubt he woke up one morning and decided to politicize the justice department on his own. Those are orders coming from the top, whether officially or secretly relayed. I fail to understand why the accountability was placed entirely on his shoulders when clearly he was just a pawn in a scandal much larger; along with my failure to understand why Bush is still in office.

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I understand that adults should decide for themselves, and in theory, each is responsible for their own actions., but Gonzales’ actions are better compared to that of a minor’s, with President Bush being the parental guardian. If your son throws a party at your house as a kid, it’s you that’s responsible, and you that will pay for the damages inflicted upon the neighbor’s garage. Even further, if you were present at the party, and hell, even cool enough to have bought the beer-well, you are seriously screwed. Gonzales was told how to act, but for arguments sake, let’s say the power grab was entirely his idea. Bush and Gonzales are old cronies from Texas and have been friends for years. I’m sure Gonzales would have run it by his long time pal, or at least mentioned over a can of Lone Star lager. And if he really didn’t know what was going on with his Attorney General, is that not a little irresponsible? It seems like we’ve become so complacent with Bush making horrible mistakes that we’re taking them in stride. He basically supported a totalitarian ploy

set upon imposing his obscure views on religion and morals in the court of law. It is also perhaps his most blatant fling at dictatorship and certainly contradictory with our quest for global democracy. I feel a little sorry for Gonzales, he was caught stealing second, booed on the way back to the dugout, when Coach Bush gave the sign. Baseball! Much has been said about the Democratic Congress and their inability to get things accomplished with Bush in office and their focus on rooting out the scandals— the “secondary issues.” While some of it may be fair criticism, you certainly can’t blame them for recognizing the obvious rule bending that has been going on for years. If Bush continues to refuse the notion of a troop withdrawal, then he’s pretty much asking for all the muckraking the Republican Congress ignored.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments? Vincent Girimonte can be reached at: vince@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

1 September 2007


I’m Here, Now Where Do I Go?

[Opinions]

By Philip Vargas Literature Editor As the school year begins anew, there are always those questions of necessity that always pop up. None of these questions are as troublesome as the one of where am I going to live? This is a question that haunts everyone. Whether you are an innocent freshman or a grizzled graduate, finding a place to live in Southern California can be a challenge fraught with peril. One of the biggest challenges of finding a place to live in Southern California is to find somewhere that fits within your budget. Sadly, for most of us the kinds of places that where we want to live, such as in a beach side bungalow or a beautiful one bedroom apart atop a hill looking over the Pacific, can only be attained in our wildest dreams. That is, unless you’d be willing and able to drop a couple thousand a month to inhabit your own little slice of paradise. The reality for most of us in California, especially those of us in college, is that we have to suck it up and deal with what we can afford, which most of the time lands us in the kinds of places or situations that we wouldn’t wish upon our worst enemies. Of course, the kinds of situations I’m talking about are the neighborhoods that you typically find a place where rent is $400-$500 a month, shifty ghettos with run down buildings and the kinds of streets that you wouldn’t want to leave your car parked on overnight. The kinds of places that most college students can afford to live often

CSULB, As Good As Any Other By Patricia Alonzo Contributor Two years ago, I was just another graduating senior that had survived four years of horror in high school. For a whole year all I could think about was getting to college: applications, essays, deadlines and everything else that went with it. All of that, however, didn’t matter anymore because I was going. California State University, Long Beach. To be honest, I had never even visited the campus except for the times I had to take those annoying placement exams, and even then, I didn’t see much. My intentions for my freshman year of college was to get as far away from Los Angeles as possible. I dreamed about the east coast, San Francisco, and even San Diego. I applied to CSULB as a safety precaution, which luckily, I’m really glad I did. Today, whether Long Beach was my first choice or last is not important because I’m here and I love it. Students wonder why they don’t get the whole college experience, yet they come week after week, attend their classes and leave. Doesn’t that tell you anything? We have an amazing student union that includes a pool, an arcade room, pool tables, a bowling alley and of course our very own Union Weekly! Get lost on campus, explore, and enjoy. Create a gap in your schedule, get here earlier, leave late, or come Fridays (it’s more peaceful and less crowded). Our campus has a lot to offer, just get involved. I’ve done the whole attending class and leaving and trust me, it sucked. It felt like high school again; boring and empty. But last spring, I decided to attend a Union Weekly meeting and although it was nerve- wracking, it definitely got better and better each day. My point is that like anything worth doing, it’s going to take time and effort to get involved, and whether you’re a freshmen or junior, it’s going to be intimidating, but I can honestly say it’s worth it. We should all be proud of The Beach!

1 September 2007

Sometimes Red Means Go By Derek Crossley Union Staffer

Illustration By Philip Vargas

carry this burden along with them. The alternative is finding a place in a reasonably decent neighborhood that you have to share with three to four other people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment. For most people, adjusting to this sort of situation can be quite a shock. Growing up, you may have lived in a neighborhood surrounded by people of your own nationality but when you move to new place it can be quite a culture shock. This is the case with Long Beach

in particular, as most lower rent areas are Cambodian, Vietnamese, Latino and so on. If you’re not used to being immersed in cultures other than your own, this can be a harrowing experience. This is the saddest part about living in California; we live in a state where the dream of beaches and sun is ideal but just outside of our reach. Questions? Comments? Philip Vargas can be reached at: philip@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

That Was So Last Season By Kathy Miranda Opinions Editor

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

Acid wash and big hair defined the 80’s, plaid and leopard print became the go-to patterns for punk rockers and knee high socks paired with the Nike Cortez put gangster style on the map. But after looking back and laughing at how ridiculous each trend really looked, did you expect them to come back? I think it was the 6th grade, but I vaguely, or perhaps reluctantly, recall a time when arriving to school in bright, green tights and flaunting neon, rainbowcolored beaded bracelets and necklaces with pacifiers attached was essentially the coolest way to look. Admittedly, I had never actually attended a rave, let alone knew what the pacifier was really for, but that wasn’t really the concern back then— what was in, was in. But for the trend to return to the fashion

community at full speed with a new name and an even bigger acclaim than the first time around—well, that’s just ridiculous. “Nu-Rave” is the new term and it’s taken over the UK by storm, making its way to the US in a rather hasty fashion (no pun intended). The loud, neon style of dressing can be found on everyone from indie kids to mainstream rappers, and even in the world of “couture”. I don’t mean to sound silly, but couldn’t we, at the very least, think of a different way to look absurd? It’s a bit saddening to me when I realize that the creative directors of the world have lost all ability to create something new. Whether it’s fashion, music or movies, everything is a copy of something else. Every album has samples of older albums, every movie is a remake of one that already exists, and every trend is recycled from a decade before—will we ever really be able to call ourselves unique? The truth is the contemporary artist, regardless of medium, no longer has to rely on creating something completely original. The goal now is to take a trend, wear it a different way, give it a new name and call it a day. Now, we can’t really call that innovative, can we? There’s no doubt that, creatively, speaking, the world has achieved just about everything the human mind could possibly imagine, or at least what we managed to get down on paper. But I can’t help but say that this formula of remixing concepts that were more than likely just fine as they were and calling it “fresh, new and exciting”, well it‘s a little played out. I’m definitely aching for something new, something fresh, or maybe even something exciting? But until that happens, I won’t be surprised if Ugg boots worn with mini skirts actually become a summer fashion— oh wait, nevermind. Questions? Comments? Kathy Miranda can be reached at: kathy@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

They told me this issue was all about sex and the beach. Perfect, I thought, two of my favorite things. So I was all ready to tell the story that happened to me the other day about hooking up on top of a rooftop balcony in the middle of the day; which necessitated a lot of sunscreen, if you know what I’m saying. And if you don’t, be creative, I’m not going to paint you the picture. I was, however, going to, in vivid detail. But let’s skip that instead and say it was great and after she left to go hang out with her boyfriend, another girl came over. Am I telling you this to impress you? No. Not at all. What I’m trying to tell you is I’ve reached a point in my life where I no longer care. Not in that high-school-way. Not in that I’m-too-punk-way. It’s just that I really only care about having fun and feeling good. It’s called Hedonism. I’ll skip what Webster’s calls it and just tell you it’s the concept that your own personal pleasure comes first and is all that matters. Am I really concerned with the happiness and well-being of other people? Not really. I definitely don’t go out of my way to make other people miserable or even sad, and I hope, I don’t. But I wouldn’t really mind. I want to feel good all day long. I want to do anything and everything that that entails. Does that mean I want to sit around high as a helium kite? Of course not. That isn’t pleasure for me. That isn’t what I consider a good time. But if I can have my fun, or cake, and eat it too, then what’s the problem? We are all here to enjoy ourselves. We have one shot, some of us longer than others, but what it really comes down to is we waste so much of our time worrying about shit, and that gets in the way of our feeling good. So I’m going to have fun. I’m going to splash in the ocean and get tan, for the first time in my life. I’m going to not do a single thing I don’t enjoy. Forget about doctors, work, and doing people favors. Do what you want. Take what you want. You know everything people have told you not to do. Do it. Have meaningless relationships with equally misanthropic individuals. Speak your mind on anything you have an opinion about and hope that people will do the same to you. Don’t worry about what people think. Don’t worry if you’re naked on top of a balcony in the middle of the afternoon, with your bits hanging out facing open windows. Just smile, take a deep breath, and be happy you have that queasy feeling in your stomach. The one that feels like a thousand, samurai butterflies dueling to the death. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Sports

Quote O’ The Week “It was like drafting with a bunch of seven-year-old retards. It was awesome!”

Women’s Volleyball Likes to Rock the Party By Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor The women’s volleyball team – opening the season ranked #19 in the nation – takes to the court to begin a grueling three-hour practice last Monday. There’s much work to be done after weekend home losses to both #15 San Diego and #2 Stanford. The players warmup with passing drills under the four waving “NCAA Champions” banners that decorate the rafters of the Pyramid. Women’s volleyball is a CSULB staple – like sneaking into the Brotman Hall fountain for a midnight splash. Head coach Brian Gimmillaro stalks the court, ready to begin his 23rd season at the helm. “We’re an older team, and we’re trying to match the tradition and the history that comes with this program,” Gimmillaro says. “We’re trying to make the students proud and have something to brag about. The students have always supported our team.” He has spent more than two decades turning CSULB into a national powerhouse. Out of 330 women’s volleyball teams, Long Beach State is one of just four that has made the past twenty NCAA tournaments. The 49ers will almost assuredly make it twenty-one this season, but they’ve got bigger fish to fry. “NCAA championship,” says threetime All-American senior blocker Alexis Crimes. “That’s my only goal.” Historically, CSULB women’s volleyball aims high, and if Gimmillaro and the rest of the 49ers share that dream, they’ll need to ride Crimes’ back. Photo By Russell Conroy She will already go down in history as All-Everything senior hitter Alexis Crimes records one of her team-high 16 kills against San Diego. one of the best women volleyball players in the thigh of an unsuspecting Sarah Hudson “This year we’re working at being a team school history. Crimes ranks in the top ten in six school categories, and with another and nearly caught Crimes in the head during that works as one, instead of six individuals,” season to go – her last to fully prove her practice – Vargas may end up being the most she says. It’s a scary thought for anyone lined up to face the 49ers this season. Next up dominance over the Big West Conference important player on the entire team. Crimes says that playing beach volleyball is a three-game road swing at the St. John’s – many of those records are sure to shatter. She’s already well on her way, notching together over the summer only made them Volleyball Tournament, and the challenges 36 kills in the two losses. During summer, stronger as a pair. With one serving to continue with tough matches against #7 Crimes trained for the season by playing the other – and “the other” being one of Florida and #8 Washington. So check out women’s volleyball as they pick-up games on the beach with junior setter the best hitters in the nation – the team Nicole Vargas – a first team All-Big West will count on them for nearly every point. seek a fifth national championship this selection who averaged over 12 assists per They’ve got a long road to travel to match season – you can find them in that enormous game last season. So while you couldn’t pay last year’s appearance in the 2nd Round of blue triangle on campus. me enough money to get in the way of a kill the Tournament. The talent is there, and Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com from Quincy Verdin – she drilled balls into Crimes feels like it’s all coming together. Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Get To Know Your Niners: Hayley Bolt

Her coach calls her “the hardest working kid I’ve ever had.” Others know her as last year’s Big West Conference Midfielder of the Year. You can call her Hayley Bolt.

On This Year’s Team Compared to Last Year’s… We have a lot more experience. Big time. The young girls have already made a huge impact. I’ve always looked up to upperclassman, so it’s weird now that I am one. As an upperclassman you have to take the leadership role. On Picking CSULB… Honestly, I’ve never doubted my decision to come to Long Beach. I felt in my heart it was the right decision. It just clicked. It’s only been two years but you can tell the progress that we’ve made in that time. We’re so capable of accomplishing our major goals. On Those “Major Goals”… Our ultimate goal is winning conference and making the NCAA Tournament. Another

6

big one is winning the Big West Conference Tournament, which we haven’t been able to do yet. On Which Game She’s Most Looking Forward To… USC. I feel like we’re evenly matched, and we’ve played two close games against them and lost both. I know a lot of girls on the team, so that’s added motivation. This year the game is at home. I can’t wait. On Her Favorite Career Memory So Far… Winning the conference title against Fullerton on their home field on national TV. We came back to campus and celebrated. We ran a victory lap around the field in the dark. It’s nothing Long Beach had ever done before, I’ll never forget it. On Building Support for the Program… I feel like we’ve done so much just in the last year and we’re really putting Long Beach women’s soccer on the map. We always see the Athletic Director, the University President out at our games supporting us. As long as they’re still behind us I’m sure we’ve got the school’s support.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

~ Unidentified Union Staffer, after scoring L.T., Torry Holt, T.O., Maurice Jones-Drew, Brandon Jacobs, Antonio Gates, and Anquan Bolden. What would we do without fantasy football?

NFL Preview By Pete Olsen

NFL Correspondent Well, ladies and gents, we’re back. And by “we,” I mean the Union, myself, and the NFL season. For this first installment, prepare for a (hopefully) unique preview of what to expect over the course of the season despite how completely generic and repetitive preseason previews like this tend to be. In the future, I’ll be predicting the top matches per week, giving out midseason awards, and covering as many aspects of the league as possible. But enough about the future of this column, it’s time to focus on the only future that matters right now: the 2007 NFL season and the teams that will duke it out for top honors.

American Football Conference The Patriots are the front-runners with Tom Brady finally having legitimate wide receivers and Bill Belichick still coaching from the sidelines. The Colts have not missed a beat since winning the Super Bowl and are already firing on all cylinders. The Chargers will be in the mix so long as Tomlinson stays healthy and Merriman stays off the juice. The Ravens and Bengals will both make the playoffs from the North division, but it’s too soon to predict who will win the division: it will be the Ravens if McGahee has a solid year. The last two playoff spots are open. The Broncos should compete with Travis Henry fitting perfectly into their run scheme. The Titans could be in the mix after giving Vince Young the reigns for an entire season. But with VY on the cover of Madden ‘08 and his already high potential to bust, the last playoff spot will be going to… the Oakland Raiders. Yes, I’m being serious. They have one of the best defenses in the league despite continually being forced onto the field for 75% of the game. If the offense can produce with Daunte Culpepper (who becomes starter in week 3) they’ll end up 9-7 and squeak in as the sixth seed.

National Football Conference Since the North division is the absolute worst in the entire NFL, it is easy to say the Bears are in the playoffs and the other three teams can start preparing for 2008. The South is a better division overall but still looks to be predictable. The Saints are no fluke. They have a top-three offense (along with the Colts and Bengals) which is plenty to win the division. The Panthers have a chance at the wildcard, but Delhomme is too overrated as a quarterback and they will miss out at 8-8. With two spots taken, there are four left to go to the East and West divisions. The East will provide the Eagles and the Cowboys. Donavan McNabb bounces back for an MVP-esque season and Brian Westbrook has production à la Marshall Faulk for the 2000 Rams. Romo and TO play decently enough for the Cowboys, but it is the defense that produces the wins. The West is the most unpredictable division in the entire league: it is foreseeable that the four teams could finish in any order. However, I’ll give the playoff spots to the Seahawks and the 49ers simply because the Rams’ first unit has played pathetic this preseason and the Cardinals are perennial busts.

1 September 2007


Point(counter)Point

[Sports]

Is USC Really California’s Team?

I

Darren D. Didn’t Get Into USC

realize the perilous waters I tread when disparaging USC football. The following words will probably give me a canker sore, but there is no getting around how unbelievably great the Trojan program has been these past five years. They’ve managed to do it almost entirely free of controversy too, which in itself is an astounding achievement in today’s sporting world, twisted as it continues to be. And winning. They win a lot of football games, and they make it look oh so good beneath the smog and sun. There, I’ve proved my sanity. They’re great, but never will I ever associate myself with USC, ever. So, what’s there to hate, you might ask? Well, lots of things - things the casual football fan or idiot colleagues may choose to ignore. For starters, and I highlight this as one of my more convincing arguments, O.J. Simpson was a Trojan. If there is a more obvious example of an institution socially failing one of its students, then it must be at CSU Fullerton. And the notion that USC is somehow “California’s team” is surely ridiculous, if not blatantly ignorant. My humble enemy forgets the true demographic make-up of the Golden State: that for every beautiful blonde wearing designer shades, there lays a dead hobo on Skid Row/Raider fan. California is just not that happy of a place. If USC is our team, then we all surf to school and toke up with Turtle and Vinny Chase. The infamous USC song girls wear way too much makeup. I was covering a basketball game in SC’s very own mini Staples Center when I first encountered

1 September 2007

these legged creatures in frosted sweaters. I even put forth the effort to strategically locate myself courtside post-game, discretely trying not to look like a creep with a pencil and pad. It turned into a disappointment of massive proportions. Granted, it was a women’s basketball game, and I was likely gazing at the song girl B team, but their faces appeared to be covered in buttery liquid, a far cry from the natural beauties the sports editor had promised. And this remains the only viable reason I will never date a song girl. USC’s stadium, The Coliseum, is the only thing more laughable than Pete Carroll’s curls. It is quite possibly the worst place to watch a football game in California, and yet people continue to be shanghaied into paying top-dollar for a game that is literally a half- mile away. And really, would you want to play in a stadium that Al Davis found repulsive enough to move his team to Oakland? Reggie Bush was likely paid, or receiving some sort of compensation for his ability while at USC. Yes, he was paid, along with Dwayne Jarrett, and probably many more soon to be millionaires who just absolutely needed that Escalade before finals. I consider these minor infractions. Just because these football players are on scholarship doesn’t mean they should be the only students without a fancy ride. It’s only fair. So give it a rest, Mr. Davis. We live in Long Beach, and have no football team, so get used to being miserable. Or find Jesus, and root for Notre Dame. He’s waiting for you.

I

Vincent G. Didn’t Get Into Notre Dame

will not pretend to be a die-hard college football fan, at least not to the degree my esteemed colleague to the left is. I was also born and raised in California. These two factors make me a USC fan by default. Why? Because Trojan football is California football. It is that simple, and almost entirely self-evident. Looking back on the past decade, California (or the entire West Coast for that matter) has simply not been blessed with a dominant professional sports team. Aside from the Los Angeles Lakers’ brief manhandling of the NBA finals that began in the late 90s, the Golden State has suffered from a severe lack of consistency from its franchises. Even when a team shows the potential for greatness, sports media is too busy masturbating their more storied East Coast teams to even notice. If one thing is for certain, it is that California wants a piece of everything. The struggle to remain relevant in professional sports, or at the very least professional football, has left the state salivating for dominance. Well, we found it, not in professional sports, but collegiate. So how dominant has USC been under rock star head coach Pete Carroll? They have gone 65-12 since his hiring in 2001. Take away his first year, where they went 6-6, and that makes Southern Cal a 59-6 juggernaut with 5 straight PAC-10 titles and 2 national championships. For a city without a professional football team, USC seems like a fairly viable alternative, to say the least.

VS. - Vincent Girimonte

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Still, I am not the sort who thinks USC has the nation’s most dynamic team in college football by the same default as my allegiance to them may lie. To argue such a point would be futile, considering that every other fan of every other football program, whether said program competes or not, maliciously hates the Trojans with a peculiar vigor. My precious Vince Girimonte, for example, considers himself a die-hard Notre Dame fan (despite being a self proclaimed hater of the Irish) and has admitted on numerous occasions that although he hates USC, he does so without any concrete reasoning other than “fuck the Trojans, man.” I say that if there is any reason to hate them, it is the same reason that I hate the Yankees: dominance envy. That should be enough for Californians to love them some cardinal and gold: The Trojans are our Yankees, and Pete Carroll is our Joe Torre. But that is all just useless sports banter. The real reason USC is California’s football team is because they unapologetically represent everything people love and hate about California. USC has money to burn. USC has celebrity. USC is attractive. But most of all USC has consistency and class, as both an instition for higher learning and an athletic organization. Every September they ride into battle with ridiculous talent depth behind them, and every year sports analysis, hardcore fans and casual spectators alike watch the Trojans as if watching the future of the NFL... here in Los Angeles. USC is our dynasty.

- Darren Davis

7


Pinback Fingerprints Records Long Beach

Free

Doors at 7pm Friday, September 14th

San Diego’s Pinback are making some awesome in-store appearances to support their upcoming album Autumn of the Seraphs. An already awesome live show, coupled with the fact that they���ll be playing in a record shop, coupled with the fact that it’s right on 2nd street, coupled yet again with the fact that it’s free…just go to the damn concert.

This is a Pinback Interview By Ryan Kobane

E Air The Grove Anaheim

$35

Doors at 9pm Monday, September 24th

The Grove is really just an awesome place to see a show. The floor has staggered levels, so you can see pretty well no matter where you’re sitting, and French down-tempo group Air are more than just a little renowned for their intriguing live shows. Pick up their latest effort Pocket Symphony before you go, so you don’t feel like an idiot for not being able to sing along with the new stuff.

verything can be traced back to the The Che Café. Not too often does a venue so important allow 14-year-olds to hang out, drink soda, listen to music, and for all intents and purposes be a part of what is widely considered one of the most influential times, and places, in Indie/Garage rock history.

tion that Smith calls, “a really unique place.” “What’s great about it is you can actually talk to them. A lot of labels kind of go ‘yeah, we’re here for the fuckin’ music,’ but they’re really not, you know? They just want to sell records. But Touch & Go is there because they really do love music. And they really do put the artist first, It’s a rare place to find.”

It was at the Che where I first saw Armistead Burwell Smith IV (also known as Zach Smith) play the bass guitar. Now, I’ve never been a musician in any sense of the word, but the second I saw his huge paws picking, slapping, and sliding across those four strings, I knew he was something special. Combine Smith’s astounding talent on bass, mix in his ghostly backup vocals with Rob Crow’s impeccable sense of timing, and in 1998 Pinback was born: a lovechild birthed from two great San Diego bands, Three Mile Pilot (Zach) and Thingy (Rob). Four full length albums, ten years later, and Pinback is ready to start touring for their latest album, Autumn of the Seraphs, and as I drive to the Grove in Anaheim to interview Rob and Zach, all I can think about is a drowning gold fish.

...

Arcade Fire/LCD Soundsystem Hollywood Bowl Hollywood

$31+

Doors at 7pm Thursday, September 20th

Not only are Canada’s breakout indie rock band playing the Hollywood Bowl, but English dance-punk mastermind LCD Soundsystem is the opening act. Any hipster will be able to tell you that this show isn’t to be missed. And, in all honesty, 50 bucks isn’t that bad for a show at the Bowl.

Girl Talk Echoplex Hollywood

$15

Doors at 7pm Friday, September 28th

Girl Talk (aka Gregg Gillis) is known for his exhibitionist tendencies during live shows, in addition to rampant drunkenness, phatty beats, and all-around partying. Ridiculously farfetched (yet still entirely enjoyable) mash-ups and Gillis’ tendency for either playing in the crowd or inviting most of it onstage will surely make for a dance party deluxe.

8

As I sat on the floor of Pinback’s dressing room, (legs crossed for some reason), I blurted out, “So how’s it going?” in Rob’s direction. An unamused, “Good,” slowly came out of Rob’s mouth; there was no eye contact as his baby boy jumped wildly on his lap. And then it happened, maybe the worst thing that could have ever come out of their managers mouth as he peeked his head into the room, “Hey guys the food’s ready.” And that was that; no, not really, but it seemed like it was going to be. After I asked Rob a question about a benefit concert they just played for now bandmate and cancer survivor Terrin Durfey (pictured right) the previous night down in San Diego, Rob kindly asked Zach if he could take over so he could save his voice for the show. Zach instantly dropped what he was doing, came over to our side of the room, and sat in for Rob as he went off to eat. Now, if you’re reading this interview there is a very good possibility that you already have Autumn of the Seraphs. Not because it’s already out, because it isn’t, but because of how early the album leaked. I was apprehensive to ask how Zach felt about it; I hesitated to admit that I had a copy for almost two months before the interview, but Zach didn’t seem to mind, “In general, I think it’s not a bad thing,” said Smith with confidence. “It’s negative in the sense that it sucks for the label, who’s working really hard to put it out there. It kind of undercuts that. It sucks for us too, obviously, a little bit, in the way that now we’re not touring until September.” I understood what he was saying; it’s very difficult for an album not to leak these days, and when you are proud of your product and confident in your live performances, a leaked album can light the flame that ignites interest in Pinback that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. During the last ten years Pinback has jumped from numerous labels, and now find themselves on the historically prominent indie label Touch & Go, a destina-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Before Pinback, there was Three Mile Pilot for Smith. 3MP was a major cog in the early to mid-nineties San Diego music scene; which included such bands as No Knife, Tanner, Drive Like Jehu, Rocket From The Crypt and many other great acts (I recommend checking all of them out). A scene so fertile is rare these days, Smith himself doesn’t think there’s been anything similar since. “I don’t know, I think it was just totally random. I will say that back, maybe before the whole signing of all the major-label bands, it really did seem kind of like a bunch of friends. We were all easy, laid-back, and we were all feeding off each other. It was just a bunch of young guys playing music in basically two places; The Che and The Casbah. There were a lot of different bands feeding off each other. That energy, and all that friendship kind of carried that scene. There just isn’t anything that’s moving me the way that stuff was say, ten years ago in San Diego.” As far as the new album goes, it’s still Pinback, still very mathematical and still very catchy, maybe with a bit more edge. Layering three bass tracks on the same song can do that to an album. “Yeah, we just kind of go for it. Whatever happens…as long as we’re enjoying, you know, ‘How We Breathe’ kind of reminds me of some of the early Pinback stuff. Other stuff, like “Blue Harvest” has kind of a prog vibe. And we’ve messed around with a lot of live drums and stuff, and I think that’s brought a big change with our sound, and it was fun to do.” As the interview came to an end, I realized I was no longer tensely cross-legged and stammering through questions. It was kind of like an interview between guys from SD, some of whom just happened to make great music. Actually, that’s exactly what it was like.

1 September 2007


Our Summer Vacation Listening Material John Vanderslice Emerald City Barsuk

7.7

Spoon

Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Merge

8.0

Justice

† Vice/Ed Banger

8.4

A couple years ago, I was given a piece of advice by a notable indie musician whom I was interviewing. I was instructed to make sure that John Vanderslice was the next artist I listened to. Not one to disobey a direct order, I rushed out and promptly obtained his newest album at the time, Pixel Revolt. I was absolutely enthralled. A politically-charged, yet unwearied collection of singersongwriter gems, the album kept me entertained for quite some time, and made me anxious to hear his next release, this summer’s Emerald City. Sadly enough, I was a little bit disappointed. Not to say that Vanderslice’s arrangements aren’t, for the most part, warm and engaging (although I’m not sure where he was going with the decision to soak his acoustic guitars in feedback.). Vanderslice’s songwriting, however, is ultimately this album’s biggest disappointment. Pixel Revolt gave its listeners a winding, serene album written by a man who was obviously very attentive to the attacks of September 11th, and all the ways in which American lives were affected by them. Emerald City gives us…the same album. It makes one wonder whether or not Vanderslice can write about anything else. Sure, it’s an important topic, but would it kill a guy to write a cheery song every once in a while? Musically, Emerald City lacks the patience and beauty of its predecessor. There are several moments on the album, however, where Vanderslice shows off his skill with musical arrangement. “The Parade” is the album’s standout track—a glowing and beautiful song, it boasts some of the best production on the entire disc. The rest, though not as great as Pixel Revolt, is mostly an enjoyable record. The only problem is that we all know Vanderslice is capable of things greater than simply “enjoyable.”

“I want to forget how convention fits / but can I get out from under it?” Spoon’s frontman Britt Daniel croons over a tambourine-fueled Motown beat on the new album Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga. Spoon questions the repetitiveness, ambiguity, and mindlessness of the human condition, as represented in the very album title, and respectfully pays tribute to an era or artist on each song. “You Got Your Cherry Bomb” salutes Elvis Costello’s Get Happy! in the same way Costello does ABBA in “Oliver’s Army.” Track 10, “Black like Me,” displays piano chords that pulse in and out like the ghost of Paul McCartney’s bit in “A Day in the Life.” There’s even a sample of Mikey Dread’s “Industrial Spy” in “Finer Feelings.” It’s the clever and goosebump-inducing chord progressions so craftily and deliberately produced, without ever Records feeling affected or Polyvinyl contrived, that makes Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (and you’re not making me say that again) one of the best rock albums of 2007. True, this album hasn’t changed my life – but neither did Sgt. Pepper (oh, get over yourself, you’re in your twenties).  The only reason I say this is because I’m not hearing anything I haven’t heard before. While most artists parody rock ‘n roll and put the art form to shame, Spoon concentrates every element from its previous albums and wrings out the very last drops of rock ‘n roll we haven’t tasted yet. For the people who can’t decide if Spoon is just another band ripping off themselves or The Pixies, a closer listen to Ga Ga is necessary. It is then that a listener without preconceived criticism can appreciate just how dynamic Spoon has grown to be over the past fourteen years. May we also admire the willpower of a group that can take full advantage of a modern studio without resorting to a Cher-do-you-believein-life-after-love sound, like so many “artists” seem to do these days? Yes, Daniel speaks from the perspective of the unreliable narrator who is as confused by love and drugs as I am by the Dadaist album title, but clarity greets us in the form of a thirty-six minute album that is just as accessible and mainstream as it is enjoyable to the trained ear.

What’s the deal with France? Is there no other country that can turn out kickass, innovative dance music? Is it because Ed Banger records is from France? Is it because French people have nothing better to do than sit at their computers and churn out floor-vibrating grooves? Whatever the reason may be, I’m eternally grateful that our smelly friends across the pond have turned out yet another amazing dance music duo—this time in the form of Justice, who released their long-awaited debut album, † in July. As much as I love dance music, it certainly has a tendency to become overly repetitive and annoying faster and with more frequency than any other kind of music. Even Daft Punk, the pioneers that they are, have put out a few tracks that I just can’t stand listening to. In the midst of brilliant cuts like “Crescendolls” and everybody’s favorite “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger,” there are irritating bits that sometimes need to be skipped over, like “Burnin.” Justice, however, seem to have completely avoided this by fusing their unique brand of bottom-heavy dance with a pretty strong degree of rock/funk flavoring. The album is rife with deliciously crunchy bass lines that are an absolute delight, and the string arrangements sound like they might be the frenzied work of a coked-out disco musician. Impeccably sequenced, † never lets up. With an opening one-two punch of “Genesis” and “Let There Be Light,” the album stays strong all the way up to “The Party,” which is marred only by Uffie’s shitty vocal performance. Honestly, this is the only moment on the album where the listener asks, “What the hell were these guys thinking?” Otherwise, the album is nothing short of fantastic.

-By Sean Boulger

-By Rachel Rufrano

-By Sean Boulger

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9


During the last few weeks of summer school, a small band of Union staffers wandered the campus handing out sex surveys. Surprisingly enough, many people weren't weirded out by them enough to refuse. The mission was simple: find out if, when, and how CSULB students are having sex. But even our well-laid plan to surmise how well-laid the campus is hit a few surprise twists. After a ridiculously meticulous tallying process and an even more ridiculous analysis (we're word people, alright), we found out how very little we know about the sex lives of the student population (or at least, the students-we-surveyed population). And for that very reason, we decided to throw our own little tips in, just in case you actually wanted to learn something from reading this.

Are you a virgin?

16 percent

16% of women said they were virgins. That‘s not a lot. So if a girl tells you it's her first time, there‘s an 84% chance she's lying. The sex swing is a good indicator too.

Do you own or use sex toys?

30

30% of women say they own or use sexual toys. 10% of men say the same thing. If I know my math, and I don‘t, percent that‘s basically 40% of students having better sex than the majority. I‘m in there too, but just because this one time I slipped and fell on a cucumber. Twice.

W wa hat nt do fro m m en se x. Touch the Penis.

Few things in life are more dependable than a penis' desire to be touched. Even if it's just a fondle to say you care, it's appreciated more than you know.

Don't

Overanalyze.

80% of the things we do have no underlying reason, if they have any reason at all. So don't look for one.

Get into it. Call us dirty

names, writhe around, whatever. Just don‘t lie there like a starfish and whimper.

10

How California State Long Beach

Have you ever had an STD?

5

women

Fucks.

Ever hooked up with a co-worker?

Only five out of 92 women admitted to having had an STD. If this many girls don't have STDs, where on God’s green earth did I get my grab bag of stinky down-unders?

3

percent

Only three percent of women responded that they‘ve hooked up with their boss. Well, I suppose that‘s one way to get some exercise on your lunch hour. It can‘t be good for the copier though.

How many sexual partners have you had? Times you masturbate in a week?

54 percent

54% of women say that they‘ve had sex with 0-3 partners. That leaves 46 percent in the "4 or more" bracket. Although the bathroom walls seem to tell a completely different story.

When did you lose your virginity?

2

Only 2% said they lost their virginity in Junior High School with the majority having lost it in High School. percent Surprisingly, no guys in our survey lost their virginity in Junior High School. This means that these girls were with High School-age partners, or they were having the craziest sleepover parties ever. It also means that no male Union staffers lost their virginity in Jr. High and really wish they had hung out with that 2% of girls.

1

or less

82% of women have yet to find clitoris or are double amputees. Ladies, even if you‘ve lost both your arms, you still have your brains. Use your imagination when it comes to masturbation.

How often do you look at porn a week? One or less times a week 90%

Have you ever been cheated on?

56

56% of women say that they have never been cheated on... to the best of their knowledge. Which is either a shipercent ning example of the power of love or a disheartening tribute to the power of horniness and deceit.

2-4 times a week 8%

How often is alcohol involved?

53 percent

53% of women say that alcohol is sometimes involved in their sexual escapades. They also say that alcohol is always involved in their sexual icecapades.

5-8 times a week 2%

Ever had a one night stand?

70

70% of women say they‘ve never had a one night stand. Come on ladies, just because the guy wasn‘t able to leapercent ve that night doesn‘t mean it wasn't a one night stand. However, we will grant exceptions if said guy was chained or cuffed and thus prevented from leaving that night. I mean, that's just good oldfashioned tenacity.

We see that 90% of women don’t look at

porn related material more than once a week (sometimes even less than that), well there's your problem right there. If you looked at porn more often, you'd masturbate more often. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. And what’s wrong with masturbating? What are you afraid of? You would probably be happier, that's all we're saying. We're just trying to make you happy.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 September 2007


Listen to our needs.

If we are talking, listen. There is usually a reason for it. We don‘t do this purposely to annoy you.

Oral sex.

We like oral sex just as much as you do. If we indulge you about five times a week, please have the decency to reciprocate.

Ow, no vs. Oh, yeah. When Never cheated on a partner?

Concerned about STDs?

54 percent

54% of guys said they were most concerned about getting an STD from their partner. It ranked higher than worries about the wrath of God. But then, maybe the two things aren‘t so different.

Ever had sex with multiple people?

22 percent

22% of men claim to have had sex with more than one person at a time. As a result, 78% apparently can't handle more than one vagina. And you call yourself men. Psh!

But more than once?

1

sweet guy

One ambitious guy has had sex with more than one person at the same time more than once. Wow, that‘s a mouthful (very literally). Whatever the case may be, you should definitely take advantage of the free STD check at the clinic very, very soon.

How many dates before sex?

0

10% of guys say that it's okay to fuck on the first night, no date required, just sex. And who says chivalry is dead?

65

65% of men have never cheated on their partners. 65 percent of men are clearly very good at lying. It's either that percent or they're actually faithful to their significant others. Either way, you should probably be viciously suspicious just to be safe.

How often do you use a condom?

10

10% of men say they never use condoms. Sure, at first glance this looks like a terrible statement on the futility of sex percent education, but there could be other reasons for it. What if these guys have small penises? What if they enjoy having illegitimate children? Obviously there are some situations in which a condom aren't optimal. Still, most of the excuses are either stupid or rely heavily on some sort of deeper excuse. And if you look up at the top-left corner, guys are mainly concerned with STDs... so what's the deal, fellas? Could it really be so much of an inconvenience, or so much of a performance inhibitor, that you would risk dick-rot? Remember: practicing unsafe sex may not just produce mistakes you'll have to live with for the rest of your life, it may produce mistakes whose college you'll have to pay for.

guys

Three out of 81 guys, or 4% of guys that responded said they have had an STD at one time in their lives. Obviously, a cloud of doubt hangs over this question since guys can carry some diseases without knowing it. So here's a good rule: if a guy says he's slept with a lot of women, or that he doesn‘t like protection, or that he hangs out by the docks, don‘t sleep with him.

Do you own or use sex toys?

15 percent

Respect the period. fact of life. Get over it.

It is a

Your penis doesn't rule.

Just because you are hard, especially in the morning, doesn't mean we need to do something about that.

W ha wa t d nt o w fro om m e se n x.

Where do you meet your sexual partners?

Have you ever had an STD?

3

you are ramming us and we make an awkward face screaming, "Ow!" that doesn‘t mean harder or deeper. It more than likely means ease up. Less force, Tiger.

15% of guys own or use sex toys regularly. Upon asking, vegetables are definitely included in this number. You'd imagine that even these simple communication skills would allow them access to more realistic fare than a Fleshlight. Remember guys, in the words of Green Day, "When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy."

42 percent

Contrary to popular belief, no one is hooking up at bars. In fact, nearly half of males say they met most of their sexual partners at school, which is in accordance with the steep majority of women who claim the same thing. What should this tell you about CSULB? Simple: The more time you spend on campus the more often you'll get laid.

How many times do you masturbate a week? 2-4 times a week 44% Once or less a week 23% 9+ times a week 9%

5-8 times a week 17%

What is your favorite position?

40 percent

40% of men say that their favorite position is doggy-style. Some have speculated that the lack of eyecontact allows guys to keep their nerve (and thus their erection) in addition to the jackhammer ease of thrusting in this position. Other popular positions among guys were Cowgirl (all that thrusting is hard work), The Crawling Banana Tree, and the 360 Fingersault.

Do you use drugs or alcohol before sex?

29 percent

1 September 2007

29% of men say that drugs and/or alcohol are never involved when they have sex. Okay guys, as much as I probably respect your pledge to Jehovah, buying a lady a drink is still a good plan. And if you're not having a drink too, it just looks creepy. Unless that's your thing...

91% of males lied and said they masturbate less than 9 times a week. If anything,

once a day is always the standard, regardless of what the Bible thumper or the blushing wallflower may say. Oh, and girls, once you get past the fact that your boyfriend masturbates and you ask him whether or not he thinks of you while going to town, the default answer is "no." Unless said boyfriend is incredibly unimaginative or you are doing something so dirty in the sack it deserves a curtain call.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

11


The Year of Rogen

A thorough explanation of why 2007 has been Seth Rogen’s year By Darren Davis

O

ver the past couple of years, the cinema landscape has become tailored to those prone to a dirty sense of humor as movie goers bear witness to the return of the R-Rated comedy. Sex romps like Wedding Crashers, The 40 Year Old Virgin as well as the more recent Knocked Up and Superbad have been dominating the box office with a consisPhoto Courtesy of Universal Pictures tency usually seen in big budget epics and computer animated farces. And what do three of the four aforementioned movies have in common (besides penis jokes)? Seth Rogen. 2007 has most certainly been the year of the Rogen. With an everyman appeal and befuddled wit, Seth has come to command a very solid onscreen presence and has proven he can hold a film on his shoulders without the support of more marketable names, such as the equally likeable but perpetual yes-man Steve Carell. Even though he has already starred in the most successful comedy of the year thus far and co-wrote/ provided a hilarious supporting performance in the funniest comedy of the year, audiences are about to see a lot more of the loveable stoner, both on camera and behind the scenes.

So what exactly does Mr. Rogen have on his plate for the near future? As a scribe he has lined up a number of very promising projects. Filming has wrapped for his first post-Superbad writing project, Drillbit Taylor, a film which has Owen Wilson starring as a bodyguard hired to protect a group of awkward high school students from bullies and the like. Reports also indicate Columbia Pictures has hired the 25 year-old to pen a big screen revival of The Green Hornet. Rumor even has it that the studio will make a push to get him to star as the superhero, originally portrayed by Van Williams in the 60s television program alongside Bruce Lee. As intriguing as a Seth Hornet may be, the project that has the most tongues wagging is The Pineapple Express. Written with Evan Goldberg, the other co-writer of Superbad, the film will star Rogen as (gasp!) a stoner, and James Franco as his dealer. After witnessing a murder, the two must go on the run in what is supposed to be an absurdly entertaining road movie. The initial hype for The Pineapple Express is so positive that those who have so much as read the script are already calling it the funniest movie in years. Many would consider the young actor’s success to have come overnight. But he has, in fact, been at it for a long time. Rogen began doing stand up comedy at 13 years old, around the same time he started writing the script for what would eventually become Superbad. He would go on to star in the short-lived but much loved TV series Freaks and Geeks. But it is his resume of past writing projects that are curiously overlooked. Seth has penned material for High Times as well as the

television program Undeclared. He was even nominated for an Emmy along with frequent writing partner Evan Goldberg for HBO’s Da Ali G Show. And THEN his success started. If 2007 has revealed anything about Seth Rogen, it is that he is much more intelligent than his often dimwitted characters may suggest. With natural talent and the decision to NOT star in every shitty movie that was undoubtedly thrown at him after The 40 Year Old Virgin, he has navigated his career into a very promising position. Only time will tell if Seth Rogen will become a household name and not become buried in hype. But so far so good.

Photo Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Review of This is England Brotherhood. Equality. Destruction. What could be sweeter words to a bullied, runty twelve-year-old? Director Shane Meadows’ latest feature, This is England, focuses on one child’s foray into skinhead culture, set in 1980s England. The semi-autobiographical movie, also penned by Meadows, stars gifted newcomer Thomas Turgoose as Shaun Fields, a boy who has recently lost his father in the Falklands War. Shaun, lonely and confused, struggles with school, where he is teased for everything from his ill-fitting clothes to his halforphan status. When he meets the local skins walking home from school on his last day of term, it seems like a perfect match—after all, what are skinheads but a collective of the rejects and the outcasts, banding together through their music and their need for camaraderie? Woody (Joe Gilgun), the unofficial leader, welcomes Shaun into their group, bringing him along on their excursions of juvenile male fun: pillaging abandoned houses, running amok through old buildings. Soon the group molds Shaun into one of their own, fitting him with Doc Martens, a Ben Sherman, and suspenders, introducing him to Chelsea girls and finally giving Shaun a place to belong. It doesn’t matter that they’re all years older than he—Shaun is one of them, and they’re all brothers. This is England takes a sharp turn, though, with the introduction of Combo, an old friend of Woody’s who, fresh out of prison. Combo is looking for revenge, a chance to change what he sees is the plague of his beloved land: its invasion by immigrants. Combo’s (played by the forceful Stephen Graham) arrival splits the group in two with an obsession bordering on mania, forcing each person to choose whether to join him or not. This is England, he says, this is our country and it needs to stay ours. Helmed by Combo, the movie begins to roll slowly down and quickly builds speed until it crashes, hard, to its rage-filled climax. The movie’s crisp natural lighting and wide exteriors allow for a beautiful establishment of Shaun’s transition into the skin culture. Director of photography Danny Cohen allows the camera to tell half of the story, moving from wide static shots to roving, hand-held closeups on his actors. With a heartbreaking score by Ludovico Einaudi and classic songs from music supervisor John Boughtwood, the film shows a boy’s joyride into manhood, from his first hesitant steps to the quiet hardening of his resolve. This is England is a harsh, unforgiving look at racism and hate, but it’s also a story of unity, friendship and loyalty, between black and white, between brothers and countrymen.

–By Christine Hodinh

12

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 September 2007


Good for Absolutely Nothing Review of War By Danielle Slakoff

T

he word, “war,” is defined as “a state or period of armed hostility.” And if “armed hostility” is what you’re looking for in a movie, then you’re currently reading a review of a movie you will love. Jet Li commands the screen in this violent thriller—this time as Rogue, a famous assassin with a reputation for killing anyone and everyone who gets in his way. Jason Statham appropriately portrays John Crawford, a member of the F.B.I. who specializes in stopping Japanese gang activities in San Francisco. After Crawford’s partner and his partner’s family are apparently murdered by Rogue, Crawford devotes his life to finding him and making him pay. Crawford’s need for revenge eats away at him like a relentless disease—ultimately destroying his marriage (and apparently, his sympathy toward other people). While Crawford and his F.B.I. team are looking for Rogue, Rogue is busy starting a war between the two biggest Japanese gangs in San Francisco, the Triads and the Yakuza. The Triads are under the rule of a man named Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi),

Photos Courtesy of Lions Gate Films

1 September 2007

while the Yakuza are under the rule of a man named Chang (John Lone). Shiro and Chang are enemies and their followers spend the entire movie killing each other in a very bloody and gory fashion. Although the trailer makes it seem as though most of the fighting is done between Li and Statham, in actuality, it is mostly between the two rival gangs. Rogue, who is pretending to be a part of both gangs, is in eighty-five percent of the movie. People who are looking forward to seeing Li kill tons of people will be thrilled; people who want to follow a compelling storyline will be less than impressed. Statham, who kicks ass in all of his other movies, falls flat in this one. Yes, we feel sorry that his partner and his partner’s family got blown away, but does that mean you have to be a complete asshole to everyone you meet? Although his toughness is sexy, it sure as hell isn’t endearing. I can say with confidence that this is a man’s movie. Most women, I’m sure, were wondering when the movie was going to be over. (Although, sorry men, the scenes with nudity in them are few and far between.) Not to say that Statham sucks, but he just isn’t his normal Crank-self. His confidence is waning, his demeanor is offensive, and his ex-wife has a huge mole on her face. What’s with that? He can have anybody. There was plenty of build-up to the final battle between Li and Statham, but it ended up being more disappointing than anything that came before it. For the first hour and twentyfive minutes the fight scenes are bloody, explosive, entertaining, and calculated. The final scene, however, is five minutes long and ends awkwardly and abruptly. Although the final scene does reveal a huge twist in the plot, a twist that even I (the person who guessed what was going on in The Sixth Sense twenty minutes in) did not see coming. I sort of liked the twist, but before I could really swallow what it meant, the

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Statham (Bathroom Monitor) doesn’t approve of urinal usage, shoves man’s face in own dookie.

movie was over. And everyone in the theater was left thinking, “Was that really the ending?” I was very surprised to find that this movie was ninety minutes long—I felt like I had been watching people getting their heads blown off for at least two hours and fifteen minutes. Bottom line: The violence was incredible, but the ending was incredibly lame; while Jet Li shines, Statham fades away. But hey, I guess all is fair in love and War.

13


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Silence By Thomas Perry Harcourt 430 Pages $25.00 Reviewed by Philip Vargas

By Stephen King,

Peter David, and Robin Furth Marvel 232 Pages $24.99. Reviewed by Philip Vargas Stephen King’s Dark Tower saga finds new life in the pages of Marvel comics. The tale of the last true gunslinger, Roland Deschain of Gilead, finds itself brought to new heights as the story created by Stephen King is recreated in the graphic novel format. The Gunslinger Born, a seven-part series, begins in the same way that King’s Dark Tower series does, with Roland in pursuit of the Man in Black across the desert. From here, the comic takes a change of pace from the novel as it jumps back to the past to reveal the tale of the boy who would become the last of his kind to roam the lands. As Roland overcomes the challenges laid before him, the road soon takes him and his fellow future gunslingers, Cuthbert Allgood and Alain Johns, west. It is here in the town of Hambry that they soon discover what darkness lies beneath the surface of the seemingly peaceful town. The retelling of King’s epic masterpiece is only matched by the artwork that graces the pages of The Gunslinger Born. Rendered by the talented

Silence by Thomas Perry follows the story of ex-cop and now private detective Jack Till as he tries to undo the actions of his past after a man has been convicted of a murder that Jack knows he didn’t commit. As Jack searches for Wendy Harper, a woman he helped hide six-years earlier after a near brush with death, to set an innocent man free he finds that he isn’t the only one looking for her. With a pair of assassins following his trail in hands of Jae Lee and digitally painted by Richard hopes of getting to the girl first, Jack has Isanove, new life flows through the world of the to find her in time to get her safely back to Gunslinger. Each page speaks volumes, each one Los Angeles without getting killed in the holding a vision of a world that up until now fans process. could only imagine. One of the interesting aspects of the An interesting feature in each of the seven book is that it portrays the point of view volumes is a series of short stories, which of both the protagonist of the story, ex-cop elaborate on the tale of the Dark Tower. Written Jack Till, and the killers who are after the by Robin Furth, the short stories range from woman that Jack has set out to find and tales about the characters mentioned throughout protect. The two plotlines, which weave the comic to the lineage that precedes Roland. in and out of the novel, could have easily As captivating as the main plot, each one of the stood alone and probably should have stories takes the reader deeper into the lore of done so. After a certain point it becomes the Gunslinger. almost to much to switch back and forth This is one of the best adaptations from novel between the two opposing points of view to graphic novel that I have seen all year. With as they alternate between each chapter. the almost seamless transition from the literary The reader gets caught up in one storyline to the visual, Marvel’s Gunslinger series will be only to have it drop off as the other takes one to watch with anticipation as it carries on its place. in February 2008 with the next volume in the Silence wasn’t what I expected 10 series: The Long Road Home.Long Beach Union Sept 4 &Overall, it to be. All the ingredients were there for

.G<T±JPO±TJPM±$<IO<NT

something great but somewhere in the mix Perry missed a beat. The suspense was never really enough to keep the reader turning pages in anticipation of what would lie behind the next twist or turn. Even when the killers were in place to do what they do best, the story seemed bland and restrained, giving a taste of what could have been great but never really delivers. Though the story started out as promising, as the plot begins to wind down it feels as though the author was just looking to end the book. Tying up the loose ends of all the characters before the final page seemed to be a rushed and hackneyed job that should have been executed with a little more effort than what was finally put out. In the end I found myself shaking my head in disappointment at something that I thought was going to go out with a bang but instead petered out with a broken whimper.

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15


Experience

By Katie Reinman

T

his summer I found myself stepping out of the California sun and flying on a plane across the country. I was headed to New York City, the city that never sleeps, but also supports a thriving art community. There are art galleries on every street and some of the best collections of masters such as Willem DeKooning and Jackson Pollack can be found in the various museums strewn throughout the city. Summer of Love: Art of the Psychedelic Era has been featured at the Whitney Museum of American Art off Madison Avenue since May 27, 2007 and will be ending on September 16, 2007. I made sure I went. This show focuses on the cultural change that took place, especially in pop culture, during the 1960’s. The feature includes music, art, film, design, literature and architecture. Most artists used elements of paint, print, fabrics, or light, and in many cases more than one. The culture of the sixties represents so many ideals that were spoken of and fought for. It is impossible to overlook what

was going on in the world at the time this artwork was created, and so there are featured newspapers and video clippings throughout the three story exhibit. What impresses me the most about all psychedelic work is the amount of time and skill put into so many of these pieces. The intricate design

of a Jimi Hendrix poster would take a painter many hours to design and paint. Many of the pieces consist of bright neon colors contrasting with solid blacks and whites. This makes the image pop out at its audience. There were also many paintings and prints in which the artist would distort an image, or manipulate it to create an adverse effect. There were also many artists experimenting with the use of light as a means of intensifying their piece. One installation consisted of a room with walls draped in a reflective silver material and different colored lights flashing from every angle. Walking into the room, I was engulfed by color and movement. Video installations of “liquid light” flowed into a dark room. Another installation worth mentioning would have to be Phantasy Landscape Visiona II, by Verner Panton in 1970/2000. This piece was constructed from wood, foam and brightly colored woolen fabric. Phantasy Landscape can be described almost as a jungle gym with waves of fabric undulating within the large sculpture. Children and adults alike were climbing and lounging on the foam sculpture. Coming out of the museum I felt like I had just been taken to another place, full of vibrant colors and bright lights. There was a sense of wanting, and searching for something more, like the artists were once again discovering the beauty that is left in this world. The Whitney Museum of American Art accurately captured the wild world that was the sixties Cosmic Orchid without losing sight of the important Isaac Abrams, 1967 messages the artists were trying to Oil on canvas , 70 7/8 x 60 1/4 in. send out.

A

The Unexpected Space Adventure

Illustration By Caitie Rolls

16

A Collaborative Effort By Kelly Hamilton and Katie Reinman

T

oday, we went into space. I know one might not hear that everyday, but it really happened. It doesn’t take much to conquer what is known as space travel, all you really need is high-quality people in a first class atmosphere. However, once you reach out, beyond the world we live in, you can never think of it the same way. That’s all space travel really is: reaching out beyond that which you are accustomed to. So how is it that we made it, out beyond the stars? Well, it all started with a normal day at the beach… Any environment can be used for space travel, but the beach today was ideal. The warm sand, the gentle breeze, and the relaxing company set up the scene perfectly. The sun was beating down on our tanned skin as we stared off into the waves. There were people everywhere and birds flying overhead, but all that we could focus on were the waves crashing in front of us. In order to make it into outer space, a person first has to stretch their arms out in front of them and reach for that which is beyond what they have grasped before. You must push all the energy out of your fingers, till you can’t see how far it is going. Then slowly your body starts

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

lifting off the ground. It’s a very subtle floating motion. Only those participating can actually understand what it feels like. After a short while, the cold air begins rushing over your face and body and you begin to catch glimpses of darker space. You are no longer being pressed down upon by the weight of the atmosphere. So, there we were, floating upward through the clouds, we were flying through the sky like Peter Pan. We didn’t know where we were headed, but we knew we would not be harmed. The sky turned a cold blue light and the air around us turned chilly. Up at these heights, you begin to feel invincible, like nothing can bring you back down to Earth. But sure enough, like most good things, it doesn’t last long. Looking to our side we notice that we had arrived back on Earth with our earthling friends. We didn’t talk about our tremendous journey because then it would seem that much farther behind us. Instead we layed motionless on our towels and dug our fingers into the warm sand below us, waiting for our next chance to lift off. Illustration By Mark Gattenuo

1 September 2007


[Comics] Crayon Box by David Faulk

Koo-Koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

thefaulkfather@msn.com

Skateboard and Beach Ball By Erin

blake@funatronics.com

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Union Sports Night

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We just know more about sports than you do 1 Semptember 2007

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17


[Comics] You’re STUCK Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

Sad Truth Comic By Type 2 Diabeetus!

Bad Pun Comic By Other Girl

Ask Father Holey By Paul Hovland

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

1 September 2007


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i c g nd on o as lo a re t ki s al ive nd han lly e a ow I pr “m mp this ver arke way lly W ct rie n na re N e e e ua d d je oyf al e e fi r T g. her ize the sed e n ld m no us oul s, b xu er be rin w r s as e u av ou is , it I w thi t se e w ub ock all nge t w w e h sh ere act so ith No w e R a c a w fi , i me t, w hey th In f es, t w ly. dor th d to een 000 t ti gh k t use u. ut ba ick en pe an ad gr u 9 firs t ni hin ca yo min he qu y (es ). I m ll em en le ttle ok e las . I t be fail ve ff t ver li ku th to se sm ill t fi t o o ake we eh I ev s, Fu rom r” cha rga t w ou righ be m as ea, at tma ne F age ur -o at i ab rt to ne it ar th ris s r p sta th me sta t it chi ves m uch Ch an ou n in life es to an ma lo neu m for like a is tak not u w is he eri so ds ys th nly se yo th ut e p ase ien ida o vi ss es , b th ch fr ol ad nle do ow nd pur my y H u nly s fl rou is for pp a th e Ha o in h y l p ial yed som ys m! c njo ht sa gas e ug ing or bo oth ed e n anc ag p h ws vie rd g! Re -wo thin ! m 0 y do r 20 , an urry n a ou es H y R it y —y om. r da m ng .c en Sub ythi ion in’! g n t ! e e l ned f an Lbu was h o r T t! retu ws rinf@Ju’sl yai s t h e s la s vie 4:tEh o e e du de’s At ha o rnet h eto Tim f o r t h

h r t Be ac o p w e N b e . No t o t e c a pl g yo u r g radi n o t f o r s, n b re a s t o uch e hd t h e r ic ng yo u l li b ag s c a c k , a n d fu a c u n t- h o sw t h e c o p g i ve r o f t o o n ns a i t ate t v i ng a was e h t h a pp e t o s i t w i t h se t t i ng a ’t s h e a g h w a wo n r r t l o p ort f o le o f a l d a sp o ic k e t f a rt is yo u a t o u g o t o Ne w e s a n d a n d fin o u’l l s e e p e o p e . Th e b e s t p uch h se .Y m hy te r g u n G o o u t o n t o t , s o o n e n o u g o u l d p o s s i b l y l ie s w i t h t o o i 0 . c t m :3 u h s yo nd 8 ch f a at n ig d s a ro u ge s t fire wo r k h e y’re jus t r i n e i r f fe w e big rs . T e o f t h e a re am ate u m o s f of pl e se pe o t h at t h

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

19


VOLUME 61

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

ISSUE 1

Party so off the chain, patrons surprised it was ever attached

Michael Vick Pleads Guilty To Dogfighting

Headlines

Sudanese Refugee Has Last Laugh

Hell’s Furnace: Grunion writer upset with soul, seeks acceptance from Bono’s cock .

New Haircut Fails To Throw Police Off Trail Of Pedophile

OOKIE COOKIE Y’ALL

Michael Vick Announces Plans To Start Prison Cockfighting Ring

By The Whamberry GRUNION Censor

In a move over the weekend that incensed animal rights activists across areas of the country that have disproportionately high levels of rich, bored, liberal, women, Vick announced at a jailhouse press conference he will extend his participation in homoerotic hobbies with a foray into cockfighting during his upcoming starting spot in cell K11. The news comes on the heels of a scandal that has marked a filthy streak of shame in the underwear of an otherwise chaste, and properly wiping, world of sports. Vick appeared absent of remorse and perhaps conscience as dressed in a snappy suit and shiny shoes, he detailed the bartering system to be established and Byzantine regulations involved in establishing his brand of prison cockfighting. He also genuinely seemed to understand what cockfighting would entail in a completely avian-free environment. In spite of several prison guards approaching Vick and offering to sneak Mexican fighting roosters into the compound, Vick replied ominously “I feel like I have been playing touch football for so long, I’m ready for full contact.”

Vick also pointed out one major challenge of the fighting league being that prison cocks would probably be far less innocent than the dogs he is accustomed to slaughtering

for entertainment. Warden James Plissken remarked that while he will make every attempt to curtail the illicit gamesmanship, prisoners are extremely agile in concealing their cockfighting tools, “They’ll sit on the evidence at the first sign of danger.” Plissken continued, “The cockfighters operate on a cigarette-based winnings system, although usually both the winner and loser end up engaging in a post-match smoke.” Prison cockfighting rings, specifically the nonavian leagues, have come under considerable media fire recently for their brutal treatment of combatants. Some reports indicate that a losing combatant may be forced to battle multiple rounds an evening, sometimes taking on every cockfighter in sight until they are sated. Watchdog group ‘Cocks Without Limits’ has used this announcement to step up their campaign intending to rescue maimed cockfighters, using a governmentsponsored relocation backdoor program. According to spokesman Kevin Barnes, “We’re trying to create a prison back door for them to use and get release from these restrictive cock-rings.”

Local Climber Celebrates Successful Ascent Of Mt. Everest By Fucking Wife With Strap-on Dildo By Coked-Up Stockbroker GRUNION Financier Hey Kid, Get In The Van: Probably should’ve shaved off the Porn-stache.

Keith Richards Opens Up About Upcoming Stones’ Album

Sticky Fingers: But if you try some time... you just might find... Oh, fuck it. Please just kill me.

Bixby Knolls resident, 44 year old corporate lawyer and amateur climber/aloof world traveler, Mark Gallagher returned from Nepal Tuesday after prevailing over God and ascending the storied Mt. Everest, known to locals as ‘The Holy Mountain.” The mountaineering community, while initially skeptical of Gallagher’s commitment to the sport and their frigid Himalayan mistress had their collective fears put to bed when Gallagher presented each card-carrying member of the mountaineering elite with a commemorative t-shirt cataloguing, in silhouetted cartoon, his triumphant conquest of the sacred Nepalese monolith. Upon returning home to Southern California, Gallagher wasted no time in reliving the spectacle and majestic grandeur of Everest by judiciously fucking his wife, Betsy Gallagher, 41, with a majestic strap-on dildo. Mark Gallagher officially christened the dildo in a ceremony involving sparklers, frankincense, and cucumber water late Tuesday, bestowing upon the dildo the name Sir Edmund Hillary. “Well it’s a well-honored ancient custom of the sherpas to engage their wives in the ol’ ‘Two-man Swedish Luge’ when returning from a climbing expedition,” said Gallagher

“and since my climb was made possible only through the use of oxygen tanks and an array of ultra-specialized climbing gear, not to mention the three man support team of seasoned sherpas who basically climbed the mountain for me, I felt the most appropriate way to celebrate my accomplishment was by extending my climbing experience and sticking not my own dangly parts inside my wife, but glistening, black, Chinese-forged plastic. Besides,” adds Mark “the sherpas were simply unable to travel such a long distance solely to gangbang Betsy.” When asked about her reaction to the rakish sexual

encounter, Betsy sheepishly chuckled, “I love my husband,” she asserted lightly, resting a verecund hand on her temple, “but having Sir Edmund Hillary inside me was a lot like climbing a 29,029 foot mountain…of orgasmic pleasure.” Mark Gallagher says he is uncertain if this newly found reliance on oxygen tanks, sherpas, and artificial penises would trickle into other aspects of his life but seems optimistic about the future. “I’m optimistic about the future,” he states and when asked if he had any final comments on the matter, Gallagher had this to say: “You know, I’m a pretty big Barry Bonds fan.”

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And like that man that died on the cross we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to savagegones@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Cute Puppies!


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