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It seems as though the Union gets roped into some sort of scuffle every semester, without fail. We’ve kept our nose clean thus far, concentrating on doing nothing other than putting out an extraordinary paper, and succeeding. Then it started. It began with the news that the Campus Progressives would be applying in force to get on the Media Board, a committee that oversees The Long Beach Union Weekly, KBeach.org, Goldmine Yearbook and, most recently, College Beat. I knew why immediately; these people and some of their affiliates have a vendetta against The Union because we reported some stories during last semester’s elections that proved detrimental to the candidate they supported. Now they want vengeance, and are trying to attain it by stacking a board they believe controls us. The funny thing is how open they are about it. An email sent out by a leader of the Campus Progressives, misinformed its recipients about open positions within the student media, which was referred to as “Mass Media Propaganda.” The email urged Progressive members to “Infiltrate
Government,” and in doing so, lie about their affiliation with the Progressives. It gets better. As if that weren’t alarming enough, it turns out a member of the Senate sent the email, and worse yet, it was the member chosen to reside on the Media Board. For argument’s sake, let’s just call her Elisa Herrera—because that’s her name. Flash forward a couple days to the Senate Meeting where four of seven applicants are to be appointed. Two are people who have contributed to The Union—people who have been involved in and shown a strong affection for the media and free speech—people who deserve to sit on a board that overlooks media. Of the other five, I’ve got two of them pegged as Progressives, and another is a friend of last semester’s losing candidate. He’s bright, well-dressed, and fully intends on regulating free speech by camouflaging censorship with the guise of “fairness” and “balance.” My favorite of the cast is a known Union hater and leader of the Campus Progressives named Jeb Sprague. If you ever want something to fail miserably, have this guy head it up. He walked into the Senate meeting just as I began a speech on why he has no business on the Media Board—a speech that included, among other things, a reminder of his having stolen 6000 copies of The Union’s election edition. During his interview process, he countered by stating that he’d been exonerated from the charges. The record needs to be set straight. Whether Jeb was exonerated or not has no bearing on the fact that WE SAW HIM STEALING THE PAPERS!
As soon as the interview process had begun, it degenerated into Senate members ignoring every other media outlet and concentrating solely on the Long Beach Union and, more specifically, last year’s election. The irony of the situation would have baffled any rational man. Here was a chamber full of Senators asking, “Would you keep The Union’s bias in check,” but meaning, “Is your bias the same as ours, because if not, we’re not voting for you.” The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of these Senators were endorsing, or endorsed by, the losing presidential candidate, were aggravated that he lost, and attributed the defeat to The Union’s hard-to-digest, yet accurate reporting. How do they retaliate? By abusing their position and appointing their like-minded friends to a board that could potentially harm The Union. At one point, Senator Extraordinaire Elisa Herrera was handed the AS bylaws by Jeb Sprague, in an attempt to disqualify the two candidates who had contributed to The Union. It’s rather sad that they’ve missed the point. The Union, aside from being the students’ voice and a rag for dick and fart jokes, is the campus watchdog. Our job is to sound the alarm when people serving the students are neglecting their obligations or acting unethically. That’s what we did for the elections, and they didn’t like it, so that’s what we’re doing again now. Trying to attain some retribution, and in doing so are acting unethically and appointing friends with agendas is not what Senators are appointed to do. Let’s hope they clean their act up, so we at The Union can hang watchdogging and get back to producing the best college publication on the planet.
A Dark Day For Thomas Jefferson
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
“Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.” – Thomas Jefferson On Wednesday, September 22, the Associated Students Senate heard presentations from candidates running for the Student Media Board, a panel charged with ensuring a free and open dialogue of ideas in our campus media. As candidates and senators presented themselves (or, in some cases, their agendas), many debased The Long Beach Union’s content and its staff, and stated plans to regulate the publication in order to promote their ideas of balance and fairness in the media. This innocuous-sounding objective holds serious implications for our campus media’s journalistic freedom because it asserts that our publications should be regulated to conform to a few individuals’ ideas of balance. I write this article as an ASI senator and student who firmly believes that the content of our campus publications should be free from governmental oversight. I urge fellow students to participate in this discussion and voice their opinions on the content of the students’ Union Weekly and the responsibilities of our newly elected Student Media Board representatives. I present my take on the matter below. The individuals who expressed interest in regulating The Union Weekly presented a flawed assertion that reform is needed to promote a more balanced presentation of opinions. These individuals illustrated The Union’s “bias” by persistently dragging out controversies that occurred during last year’s ASI election and by bashing previous Union Editor-in-Chief Elijah Bates for a plethora of unsubstantiated offenses. Mr. Bates was shamelessly debased as nothing less than a modern-day Joseph Goebbels whose atrocities range from silencing Union writers with differing views to molding the publication into an instrument of his personal propaganda. These claims were weakly supported with anecdotal evidence, and were weakened by the absence of alleged abuse cited from this semester’s content. Religious and cultural intolerances were hinted at, but it was clear that last year’s election was the focus of interest for the individuals promoting “reform.” The pointless resentment over an election that occurred months ago and these unsubstantiated and malicious allegations are indeed disturbing—but not nearly as disturbing as proposals to subject our student publications to the oversight of individuals who hold these radical views. Because the campus media is an instrument of our students’ free speech, it must be defended against regulation and all possible forms of censorship. It is absurd for student representatives to advocate imposing their personal conceptions of “balance” upon the Union’s content because the term is highly subjective and open to interpretation. When officials are given the power to regulate, remove and modify content of the campus media, the prospect for abuse is clear. If students are truly offended by the publication’s content, these matters should be handled on a case-by-case basis and the writer of the questionable content should be given the opportunity to defend himself. Our student body has never cried foul against The Union
By Guido D’Onofrio
and I believe it is a judge of balance and acceptable content far superior to any group of officials. After evaluating the arguments of the Student Media Board candidates and senators who advocated regulating The Union Weekly, I finally made sense of it all. I have no reason to doubt that many of these individuals genuinely believe that regulation of The Union’s content will promote balance. However, I fear that some hold intentions more motivated by their bitterness against a publication that they believe stands against their agendas than by any desire for an effective media. I urge students to voice their opinions, contact their ASI and Student Media Board representatives and take a stand on all campus issues of concern. Guido “The Torpedo” D’Onofrio ASI Senator at Large email@example.com
Get Off the ‘Grettes By Dominic McDonald
White clouds dwell around the campus. Not the unexpected weather clouds that we experienced last week, but the clouds of nicotine. You may have noticed some CSULB students, taking a few casual puffs of a “cancer stick” as if they are unaware of their dangerous habit. I am trying very hard to convince myself that smokers are not idiots, but it is very hard. I must remember that these people are human. Smoking is bad for you. This is not one of those “supposed” bad habits like cursing or masturbation; no, it is way more serious.
Editor-in-Chief Patrick Dooley Managing Editors Dan Steinbacher Brian Dunning Associate Editor Natalie Vratney News Director Amanda Parsons Executive Section Editors Opinions Noah Karp News Amanda Parsons Feature Brian Dunning Entertainment Katie Wynne Music Conor Izzett Intune Michaël Veremans Literature Mike Guardabascio Sports J.J. Fiddler Comics Andrew Wilson Creative Arts Miles Lemaire Jen Perry Random Reviews Brian Dunning Grunion Pineablo Public Relations Music & Entertainment Matt Dupree Literature Mike Guardabascio Photography Editor Alisha Willis Advertising Representative Elijah Bates Graphic Design Brian Dunning Web Design Jeff Gould Mary Cover By Jeff Gould Cartoonist Miles Lemaire Distribution Mike Guardabascio Copy Editor Noah Karp Contributors Ray Duran, Kevin Malinowski, Elijah Bates, Victor Camba, Sean Boulger, Jeffrey Spafford, Jesse Gayda, Dominic McDonald, Casey Curran, Dayna Randazzo, Rachel Woodford, Joey Calmer, Giuliano De Pieri, Matt Grey, Kilometers Lemaire, Jen Perry, Guido D’Onofrio
At an age where you are walking down the road to death, I encourage smokers to kick the habit. If you are a friend of someone who smokes, please help him or her, because quitting is not at all easy. Remember, “There are programs that can help.”
Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding by the Associated Students, Inc. All editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union, the A.S.I., or CSULB. All students are welcome to be a part of the Union staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 300 words. Letters to the editor will always take precedence over prior in-house content when received. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available at the AS Business office. Any person taking more than 1 copy of the Union must first contact the Union for permission, and is subject to a possible fee.
VACANCIES IN STUDENT GOVERNMENT One vacancy per position: Public Defender, Arts Commissioner, Conservation Commissioner, Senator for Natural Science & Mathematics, Academic Senate Representative, Rec Sports Advisory Board Representative. Positions open until filled. If interested in any of these positions, fill out an ASI application, available in USU 311 and forward it to the KIM (USU 311). Questions? Call 562-985-8672.
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Now, I might be a little prejudiced because I have bad asthma and cigarettes fumes can kill me in seconds. Or it could be that smokers are stuck in denial. Obviously, there have been many campaigns by anti-tobacco companies. Various commercials, magazine ads and tours have presented the in-your-face reality of a smoker’s demise. What is not to get here? If I had seen a one-story pile of body bags representing the amount of deaths caused by smoking cigarettes, I would be scared to stone. Besides, how can you ignore catchy slogans like “Tobacco is wacko”? Disagree,do you? Oh, sure, you can be apathetic here- “roll the dice” if you may, and try to ignore this silent killer. You may even live a long successful life, with a hole in your throat. Don’t take me to be a meanie here, because I’m a nice guy. I don’t give wise-ass comments to people smoking, asking them to put out their cigarettes. I simply just walk away. What appalls me is that these smokers are still young. I’d expect them to be smoking when they are unemployed grad students.
By Michael Veremans
Two weeks ago, The Union ran an article by Mike Guardabascio that was essentially about freedom of speech and its abusers, etc. I took offense to certain particulars in his article and his ultimate message, which appeared to be overly innocent and not so well thought-out. In a kind of idealistic mindset, he ignores some very important political realities about freedom and freedom of speech. I’d first like to tackle his concentration on the two figures of Pat Robertson and Michael Moore. When these names appear in any article, it is hard to take it seriously. Pat Robertson is not anywhere near equitable in political enthusiasm to Michael Moore. He called for an assassination - that’s right, I’d like to think that such a thing as that is worse than movies that contain lies or exaggerations. Michael Moore has actually pointed out real social ills, such as unemployment, while as far as I can tell Pat Robertson is mostly a religious fundamentalist. One thing that Guardabascio said that really pissed me off was when he made “flagwaving republican” and “bleeding-heart democrat” polar opposites in the political spectrum. Democrats and Republicans are like a big group of friends who decide to play soccer; they don’t want separate teams but they have to in order to keep the game going, so they play against each other, but in the end they’re still friends. There is almost no difference between Democrats and Republicans; in a country with two political parties, can there really be true freedom of speech? I say no, I am not represented by either party. Freedom of speech is not so dear as one may think in this country- furthermore, our freedom is more heavily abridged than in many other post-industrial nations. Pat Robertson probably doesn’t represent most conservatives, and Michael Moore doesn’t represent most liberals. They are just extremists, and that’s what you need to do, because no moderates really get anything done in a major way. I will close by saying that Guardabascio’s ending moderate message is really just unclever compromising and quelling. I won’t stop being an extremist in my beliefs because that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I don’t have to respect other people’s opinions either, because there is no freedom in that. I will use my freedom of speech as I see fit, and that right now means disagreeing with you… pistols at dawn.
Fight Like A Champ
By Noah Karp
Ever been on the losing end of an argument? Stuck in a position you can’t easily defend, against a person who’s determined to tear you down? I’ve been there—waging the “unwinnable” war, battling uphill and outnumbered—and I’ve won. Call me conceited if you want, but give me twenty minutes and I’ll argue that down to “confident.” I’m here to give you the dirt, the real substance, of how to argue like an all-out champion. Screw the self-help books, with their chapters about “How to Pick Your Battles” and “Making Your Position Clear”—because if you’re still wading through those bush-league briars, then you ain’t even ready to face the true jungle, kid. You’d best snuggle up with your blanky and juice box while the true verbal warriors handle these here tigers. Enough talk. Here’s the grit. Know your battlefield. When you’ve got an upcoming fight looming in your head, map out your territory beforehand. Figure out where your defenses are strong and where they’re weak, and anticipate where and how your opponent will strike. Actually devise, as clearly as possible, at least a rough answer for whatever attack you can imagine. Too much work? You’ll appreciate your effort when a slick, pre-made defense successfully counters your opponent’s otherwise crippling suckerpunch. Master the bait-‘n’-switch. Sometimes, you’re beaten. You just can’t argue a certain point because you have no defense. But if you concede it, you’ve lost altogether, so you can’t do that… Your strategy? Move the fight to a subject you’re sure you’ve got won. Interject an inflammatory comment for them to pounce upon, leading them away from their strong ground, and then ambush them with a solid defense. Once you trounce your adversary in the side arena, their main attack loses most of its thrust. But note: The success of the bait-‘n’-switch depends on your knowledge of the battlefield. Only by knowing where you’re strong are you able to lead someone there. Muddy the motivations behind your mistakes. When you slip up and say something you shouldn’t have, or when something you said earlier gets used against you, don’t apologize for saying it. Instead, apologize for how you said it—and rephrase it in a way that sounds innocuous and decent. What you claim to have meant doesn’t actually have to be what you meant, but rather a fairly reasonable interpretation of what you said, and one that can’t really be attacked. Think of how Bush wraps his ideas in the flag—so if you oppose him, you hate America. Make your opponent think that, by harping on your words, he or she is misunderstanding your innocent good intentions. Once your adversary seems doubtful, divert the course of the argument away from that particular point, and it will be forgotten. Your victory.
Worthy of brief mention is a subtopic of keeping cool, which is making sure to stay on the defense. Don’t let yourself be the attacker unless you’ve got a healthy share of the power, because it’s a weaker position. Think about it: The aggressor in an argument always bears the burden of proof and therefore needs more airtight motivation. Unless you’re certain that your case is bulletproof, don’t step into the crosshairs. That’s some of how you do it. These are some gems from my personal guidebook, developed over a lifetime of fighting. They work. Thanks, Mom and Pop, for sharpening my skills, and thanks to Sun Tzu and his Art of War for allowing me to make that raw, undefined knowledge into an organized art. And, to my readers, thanks for sticking around. Now get out there and crush somebody.
Get toasty buns—if you pay our prices! Be our bitch!
As an eternal CSULB student (going on 11 years, on and off, here and there), I have had more time than most to enjoy the delicacies provided by our food court. However, the longer I am here, the bigger an assortment of crap is served.
A long time ago, they used to have this place called “Chick Fil-A.” This place served honest-to-god chicken and delicious criss-cut fries for very little money. Mysteriously, this bastion of real food vanished, and has been replaced by a succession of crappy eateries, though we did have an incredibly unpopular salad bar. Fondly, I remember the Boar’s Head deli—simply the best meats and cheeses this side of New York. Their roast beef sandwiches were to kill for. However, last year they were replaced by a generic CSULB deli—gone was the truly excellent selection of tuna salads, potato salads, etc. They were replaced by mediocre food at best, surly sandwich-makers who got a simple sandwich wrong without fail, and some truly bad bread—they also had a less than “A” rating, which is really pretty terrifying. This year, they have removed the Tomassito’s, the “deli,” the bagel rack of doom, and that place in the corner I never ate at, and replaced them with an amazing collection of food with no nutritional value whatsoever. Now, we’re blessed with Quiznos, The Steak and Potato Place, and crappy stale bagels. On top of this, some supergenius “listened” to the students and, on the first day of school, it was proudly declared that they had reduced lines and made more seating available. What the hell kind of idea was this? Now, even after the lunch rush, I can stand in line with 25 other drooling students to get a plate of Panda Express. The lines are worse now than they have ever been, and I for one can state this from years of experience. The food sucks enough now that I dreamily remember back to the days of dorm food and the fine selections in the cafeteria. Thanks a lot, CSULB, for taking away food that had ANY nutritional value or taste and replacing it with bland, overpriced crap. And, to whoever decided that taking away the 5+ cashier lines and leaving it up to the slope-browed goons that now ring us up, please, please inflict yourself somewhere else. I liked my bagels, I liked my Tomassitos, I loved my Boar’s Head, and I hate you. PS—Thanks for helping encourage the fattening of the student body, right when skintight jeans and shirts are all the rage. By Jen Ritz
Get En-Raged! Anybody remember Zack De La Rocha and his tribe of merry men called Rage Against The Machine? Well, it seems like a lot of people have forgotten that little band, unfortunately. I say this because of the enormous amount of apathy that I see among us. Nobody seems to care about anything. In eighth grade, I learned a lot from Zack. I learned about passion and caring and the importance of believing in something. Even if the something you believe in is nothing, be proud of your beliefs. Rage Against The Machine was a band that was not afraid to let their beliefs be known. I know that everyone has beliefs and feelings. I mean, people can talk and talk, but action is the key, that is what Rage taught me. Involvement is the only way to express your beliefs; anybody can talk and think, but who actually follows their beliefs? When people have their own feelings or thought about things, that is really cool, but it doesn’t mean anything to anybody if it only stays in your head. Maybe you only want to live on the island in your head, but
By Joey Calmer I feel that that is a very narrow and limited viewpoint. It saddens me when I see people with so much potential, but they never act beyond complaining about how everything sucks. We live in a time with a lot of change in the mix. Just think of what will happen if we just allow anybody to do what they want and we don’t speak up for want we want. This Native American proverb has always made sense to me: “If we don’t change directions, we will end up where we’re headed.” I think we as students have been bombarded by the Chemical Romances and other lame rock bands and we have become benign, lethargic carbon-based organisms that just float from place to place like pinballs in a digital world. What happened to all the Bad Religion fans and the people who stood for something? It is almost like we don’t want to care about anything anymore. “Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things. Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things.”
KEEP COOL. I name this one last because it is the single largest factor in your triumph, and the broadest one. As long as you remain logical and rational, you can always claim the high ground. Every time you let yourself toss out that highly tempting but undeserved potshot, you’ve exposed your flank. You’ve given them a little point they could win on, if they tried. And every time you raise your voice, you weaken your ground. To the master arguer, emotion is a tool; if you show your vexation, it will be used against you. Whereas if your adversary gets too worked up, you can end the argument at your discretion, saying that the other is “being too irrational” or “not even trying to be fair.” It is a powerful advantage.
Them Ol’ Dining Plaza Blues...
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
Watch Your Words
Swing, Pendulum, Swing
By Elijah Bates
By Kevin Malinowski
Who Wants To Be Invisible? When a conversation falls apart and talking tears to pieces, discourse always automatically heads towards the idea of having some sort of superpower, at least in some form or fashion. Usually, the powers people choose to decide between fall somewhere amid the parallel lines of either flight or the ability to breathe under water. These are the only (reasonable) powers worth talking about. However, there is always some troublemaker among the discussion who decides to throw invisibility into the mix. Take nothing away from invisibility. It’s great in its own regards. But when compared with flying and/or super-gills, it’s worthless. Sure, a person can sneak in and out of the opposite sex’s locker room quite easily. But aside from a sneak peak at road maps and cottage cheese, invisibility is a counter-productive talent. Actually, it goes far beyond that. Just look at the classic character of “The Invisible Man.” The Invisible Man was no superhero. In reality, he was nothing at all. He was just a meaningless man whom no one cared to see. The actuality of his ability was extremely misleading; as classic cinema and Kevin Bacon have distorted the truth and completely romanticized the idea until a less-than-ordinary man was transformed into something seemingly supernatural. Truthfully, he never actually turned himself invisible. He never
“Ha ha, we can’t see you...”
even tried, although it was a product of his own doing. No, he disappeared when people stopped taking him seriously and casually let themselves forget exactly who he was. And, like the chump of a man he proved himself to be, he did nothing to stop the unhealthy progression. He sat as a spectator of the downward spiral called his life. The worst part, however, is that even when the Invisible Man desperately tried to reappear, people did not care. They didn’t even want to take ten seconds to look. If anything, they just humored the reappearance for a short time, only waiting until he disappeared again, an unchangeable quality of his permanent character. Unfortunately for the Invisible Man (although fortunately for everyone else), he had already turned so invisible that when he tried to come back to truth and solidity, he was just a pale apparition of who he once had been. This was no superpower. And he was far from a hero. People all over the world find themselves afflicted with a similar disposition towards invisibility, earth’s most powerful hindrance. Ignored and neglected, they try to get others to see, if only to show that they are also alive. Sadly, it’s too late for too many. Even upon their reappearance, they have become just like the Invisible Man. Everyone had already seen him before and all that he had to offer, and immediately became tired again of who he had been, a direct connection to who he now was. Even a character of his quality and caliber could do little but attempt to fill this blank void, something so seemingly big yet filled with nothingness so small. The form of a body filled with unseen worth and obvious emptiness. If you ever find yourself in a conversation of superpowers or amazing abilities, stay away from invisibility and go with a good set of gills or some wings. Don’t ever let yourself become a Bacon or, God forbid, a Chevy Chase. Of course, chances are that if you’re currently in the midst of such a talk, you’ve probably already started to disappear.
The United States of America has always been the nation that prides itself on its moral leadership and liberty. As I’ve come to learn, history paints a different picture. Nonetheless, in a time of uncertainty it’s comforting to know that we at least have leaders who are willing to “stay the course” and “not waver in the face of opposition.” The “Administration of Opportunists” has jumped on each and every chance to push the agenda and show the world its decisiveness and moral superiority. Unfortunately, it’s the American people who end up bearing burden of failed governance. Time and time again, we must cringe upon hearing an administration taking credit for everything and taking the blame for nothing. However, the President recently did the grown-up thing and admitted failure in response to Katrina (after only two and half weeks). He also reversed his foreign policy in regards to global terrorism by finally admitting we need as many countries as possible to help out. I wonder what got into him. Oh yeah, the millions of upset and confused Americans. Partisan this, partisan that. I know, I know—that damn liberal media. Why must they always tell the truth… I mean, put spin on everything? Maybe someone should tell them that presidents don’t make mistakes—unless it’s something as crass as enjoying some brain on your lunch break. Apology accepted, Billy boy. The truth is that until we lost an entire city, we never heard our current leader or his posse act accountable for any screw-ups. Yes, some have resigned or moved on, but where was the “my bad” or the “Gee, I guess we had that one wrong”? The closest thing we got was former Secretary of State Colin Powell retrospectively labeling his war pitch to the U.N. as “painful” and as a “blot on his record.” The 2004 election gave us a president who ran on the platform of juiced-up homeland security in order to secure our safety—unless your city happens to get destroyed in a flood. Emergency relief may be hard to come by after a disaster, but at least I don’t have to worry if the guy sitting next to me on a plane is going to clip my toenails. Now that’s a relief. The point is that people are beginning to wake up. The crap being sold by the bullies of D.C. to the American public suddenly doesn’t seem as enticing. We’ve seen plenty, and I personally can’t wash the sour taste out of my mouth anymore. Intelligence failures, severely inaccurate war assessments, big business scandals, the demise of our surplus, tax cuts during wartime, incentives for corporations that export jobs, the complete destruction of foreign relations, the horrors of Abu Ghraib and the unprecedented polarization of the American people just seems like a bit too much on one president’s watch. If the administration received a report card for its performance, its parents would beat its ass before signing the thing so it could be returned to the teacher. Grey Davis must be thinking to himself, “What the fuck?” “At least I only fucked up part of the Union.” Like it or not, the shift has begun. The pendulum shall swing, as it always does. Conservatives won’t admit this, but then again, they never did value the relevance of something called history. Hopefully, the President’s seemingly new take on reality will do some good. Who said a little flip-flopping was such a bad thing?
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
WORLD’S LARGEST MOVIE STUDIO AND THEME PARKSM
To Purchase Tickets or for more Information Contact:
Student Union Building, 2nd Floor Ticket Center
Regular General Admission price $53. Offer expires 1/31/06. Offer valid only at Universal Studios Hollywood. Tickets must be purchased in advance. Offer not available at the Universal Studios Hollywood box office. This offer cannot be combined with other offers or with per capita sightseeing tours. Offer subject to change. No exchanges or refunds. The Mummy ©2005 Universal Studios. War of the Worlds © 2005 by Paramount Pictures and DreamWorks L.L.C. All Rights Reserved. Jurassic Park TM & ©2005 Universal Studios, Inc. and Amblin Entertainment, Inc. ©2005 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved. 05-LOC-3608
Opportunities Available to Study Abroad
By Noah Karp
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
Since 1960, when the first CSULB student traveled overseas to study, the University has striven to provide its growing student base with more worldly opportunities. The Center for International Education on campus is the resource that facilitates such programs. Students of all backgrounds gain valuable perspective from living in other countries and exposing themselves to new ideas, cultures, people, and societies. Cecilia Fidora, Assistant Director of the Center for International Education since 1992, says, “Life is not just in the classroom… You want to be out there, doing things. You never know what you might find.” The center offers programs in over 20 countries. Some are offered through the Cal State System, others through CSULB only, and some through outside resources. The three most popular destinations, according to Fidora, are the United Kingdom, Australia, and Italy. However, other interesting countries include Spain, France, Germany, Canada, Japan, Chile, and Israel; and the center has just started two new programs in Ghana and South Africa, which start in Fall 2006. Students who choose a program affiliated with CSULB pay only their regular tuition to study abroad, which is cheap considering the schools they will attend overseas are usually private ones. Including the regular $1400 tuition, the average cost of a study-abroad program is around $6000. However, this figure includes travel, rent, food, and spending money. Basic eligibility requirements for CSULB students are at least two faculty recommendations and at least a 2.5 GPA. In the most popular countries like the United Kingdom and Australia, the GPA requirement is a 3.0. Currently, the center helps 300 students per semester. Out of 35,000 students total, this accounts for less than one percent of the CSULB population. According to Fidora, that percentage is in line with the national statistic. This percentage is much higher at some schools. Sergio Broderick, Study Abroad Advisor at UCLA’s Education Abroad Center, says UCLA helped over 1950 students with international programs last semester. Out of a total student population of approximately 24,000, this figure represents about 8% of UCLA’s students, which makes UCLA the number-one public school in the nation for international study and the second overall of any school. The study abroad staff here at CSULB hopes that our students will show more interest in such programs. “We could definitely handle more students,” says Fidora. “I can guarantee [that] if a student goes on one of my programs, it won’t be the last time.” The center will be holding a Study Abroad Fair on Wednesday, October 19th, from 10am-2pm on the CSULB Friendship Walk, where students can stop by to learn more. For additional information, call (562) 985-8429 or email email@example.com. Center hours are Mon.-Thurs. 9-12 and 1-4, Fri. 9-12.
Bianca’s Costumes By Andrew Loyola
People young at heart will love Bianca’s Historic Costumes. Regardless of the season, Bianca’s Historic Costumes is always open. If your club or friends are ever planning an event that requires a more diverse dress code, this is your place. Historic costumes range from Roaring ‘20s, Victorian and Renaissance to seasonal motifs. As an alumn of CSULB, Bianca Sovich’s list of accomplishments runs long. While pursuing her B.A. in political science and M.A. in public administration, Bianca was also a senator-at-large, presidential aide for external affairs, College of Liberal Arts student council member and a member of the Shakespeare Company (formerly known as Barn in the Yard). The inspiration to open up her own costume shop was conceived while working for the Shakespeare Company, which had run out of money for costumes. Bianca decided to create her own, and the rest is history. Sovich sews all of the costumes. Any student interested in renting costumes or interning with Bianca should give her a call at 562-596-6776.
2004 University Crime Statistics Released; Officers Unsure of Emergency Phones’ Purpose By Amanda Parsons
niversity Police released their annual crime statistics for the 2004 school year listing collective accounts of criminal activity across campus. The number of crimes is down, but following a test of the emergency blue light phones on campus, it appears that security on campus is sub-par. Statistics show that 2004 was far less crime-filled than previous years at Cal State Long Beach. There were zero hate crimes or criminal homicides reported. Statistics for Robbery, Sexual assault/rapes on campus, aggravated assaults, and burglaries all dropped drastically in number, showing how well our campus police are doing to keep our campus safe. However, there seems to be an increase in robberies on public property, sexual assault/rapes on public property, motor vehicle thefts around campus housing, and arrests on public property. Even despite these few increases, students all across campus are singing the praises of our secure campus. “I feel very safe on campus,” freshman Jennifer Perry said. “I totally trust that the police are doing their job well.” Corporal/Support Services Division of the University Police Department and head of the upper campus University Police station, Ami Rzasa said, “I would attribute the credit of the decrease in crime statistics to the quality of patrol officers that we hire to our agency.” Contributing to the feeling of safety across campus are the blue light phones, also known as Code Blue telephones, labeled EMERGENCY, designed to alert the University Police Department of a threatening situation when activated. The Code Blue phones connect with a direct line to UPD dispatch and are then activated to alert an officer that someone is in need of assistance. On the evening of September 22, at nine forty-seven in the evening, I along with two other students activated an emergency Code Blue phone to test the effectiveness of our campus security. After pressing the button I stood quietly and waited through the dispatcher’s greeting, giving no response, and proceeded to wait for an officer to arrive. After a full ten minutes without a response from the police dispatch or a visit from an officer, I returned to the emergency post and repeated the process, this time speaking with the dispatcher. Ariel Wogen answered the call and informed me that the emergency lights strewn across campus are not intended for emergency use at all, contrary to their label reading EMERGENCY in large block letters all over the post; they are used to call for police escorts. “We get about 15 calls per night for an escort,” Wogen said. “The call gets transferred directly to dispatch, where we answer the call and send an officer to check on the phones… We don’t get false alarms very often.” She informed me that the phones could also be used for emergencies. According to a Long Beach Police Department worker who wishes to only be identified as Susie, the standard practice for 9-1-1 calls that are immediately hung up on or have no
response from the caller is to immediately return the call and, if there is no response, to send a patroller to the area to check on the caller. When I stated to Dispatcher Wogen that I had been waiting for ten minutes at the emergency post on campus with no officer response, she replied only with an apology. According to Wogen, there are at least four officers patrolling campus at any given time. Two on upper campus and two on lower campus, around to patrol and supposedly check on the emergency posts for students in need of assistance. When I informed Corporal Rzasa of the Code Blue phone test that I had conducted and that had induced no officer response she replied, “You may not have seen them.” The fact is, I had conducted the test accompanied by two other individuals, all looking in opposite directions in order to see whether an officer was coming. Rzasa continued by informing me that she had no idea how many officers are on duty at any given time and refuting Wogen’s claim of four officers being on campus at any given time. “She [Wogen] is wrong. I have no idea how many CSOs [Community Service Officers] are on duty to walk the blue phones, no one knows for sure the number of CSOs on duty per night. There are more on Mondays through Thursdays because there are more students on campus.” The call that I had placed on the emergency phone was on a Thursday night just after most night classes let out at nine forty-five pm. “We [the University Police Department] don’t have as many CSOs as we would like to have,” Rzasa said. “I have just hired a new batch… I don’t know how many, approximately eight.” “The posts are not for an escort service,” Rzasa went on to say. “If the caller is scared, well that changes the situation, it is an emergency, but sort of not an emergency. We have pay phones with yellow or red emergency buttons that call dispatch on campus, those are more for escorts.” These comments directly contradict the posting on the Night Escort - CSO web page online that states, “You may request an escort Monday through Thursday from 5:00PM to midnight by using a Code Blue telephone, a public pay telephone, or dial (562) 985-4101 (5-4101 from on-campus phones).” In the event of an emergency, it is unclear what a student can expect for emergency assistance on campus. Employees of the UPD are uncertin as to what the purpose of the Code Blue emergency phones are, and are also unsure as to how many CSO’s are on patrol at any given time.
No Emergeny Health Care on Campus By Rachel Woodford CSULB students needing emergency health care cannot be treated on campus and must be transferred to an off campus hospital for treatment. The CSULB Student Health Services (SHS) is a medically accredited facility known as an ambulatory care clinic. It is likened to a daytime doctor’s office, where licensed clinicians are able to provide medical care and prescribe medications for illness and injuries. SHS offers a variety of services and is staffed by registered pharmacists, x-ray technologists, a radiologist and nurses. Because SHS is an ambulatory care clinic, they are not equipped with emergency facilities. According to Vick Cannon, Budget and Opperations Coordinator for Student Health Services, at one point all emergency phone calls were monitored by the clinic, but this proved to be inefficient. Emergencies on campus are now handled by campus police and licensed paramedics who respond to 911 calls. According to the SHS web page, when faced with an emergency on campus, the university police respond with an estimated response time of less than 4 minutes. After arriving on the scene, they access the situation and make the decision to call paramedics or deal with the situation appropriately. The paramedics have an average response time of 5 minutes. As recently reported by NPR, ten Southern California emergency rooms have closed in the past two years because they were unable to keep up with the masses of uninsured patients in need of emergency care. Fortunately, this does not have a huge effect on the emergency rooms in Long Beach.
Long Beach Memorial Hospital and Long Beach Regional Hospital are the nearest to the campus and would be the fastest ones to reach students in case of an emergency. However, in the event of an emergency, the hospital one is taken to depends on what type of injury sustained. Basic services are covered by the student health fee and support from the University. All enrolled students registered for the current semester who have paid the mandatory $45.00 health fee are eligible for service at the SHS. If a student takes classes through University College, they are able to receive health services for a fee of $15.00 per visit. Some services, such as birth control, require an additional fee. Hospital visits and ambulance rides are not covered by student insurance. However, a Chickering/Aetna Health Insurance Plan is available for an annual fee of approximately $1,000. This plan is available for students taking 6 or more credits. The biggest concern of the SHS staff is the increasingly dangerous risks of alcohol consumption. According to Cannon, the new generation of students has brought on a shift in drinking behavior. Although in the past few years binge drinking on campuses has reportedly declined, it is still a huge problem faced everyday. “Students are binge drinking like never before,” stated Cannon. In an effort to combat the rise of alcohol abuse, SHS offers an alcohol, tobacco and other drugs program, as well as AA meetings every Wednesday from 12:00 to 1:00 p.m. Among the numerous services the health center offers are immunizations, HIV testing and counseling, nutrition counseling and an alcohol prevention program. They provide patients with many services and are equipped with a pharmacy, laboratory, and provide routine x-rays at no charge. Of course, patient records and disclosures are confidential, as required by law.
The End of Silence, Chain Driven, Piano, After Use, The Neglects, Brutal Distress – 7 p.m. $13
Showcase Theatre – Funeral Dress, Deadline, Goldblade, Last Target – 7 p.m. $10 Improv, Irvine – Norm MacDonald– 8:30 p.m. $27
Improv, Brea – John Witherspoon– 8:30 p.m. $22
Koo’s - Chromatics (GSL), Upsilon
El Rey - The Frames, Josh Ritter - 6.30
Acrux, The Digits, Neon Lipstick – 7 p.m. $7
Chain Reaction - The Chariot, lovehatehero, Jacob Greene, Divide the Day – 7 p.m. $12
Holiday, Perish, Heartache and Bloodloss – 7 p.m. $6
House of Blues, Anaheim - Unearth, Dillinger Escape Plan, Zao, A Life Once Lost – 7 p.m. $16
El Rey - Athlete, Gemma Hayes - 8 p.m. $18.50
27th Whisky A Go Go - The Dreaming, Super Villain, Fermata, Deviant Minds, Hell or High Water, Typical Mess, Wounded By Honesty – 7 p.m. $12
Roxy – Love Child Suicide, The Mornings, Barefoot Bride, Nikhil Kahrula Band – 8 p.m. $10
Glasshouse – Silencio, The Chromatics, Abe Vigoda, Halloween Swim Team, DJs Filipe, Dickie & Shannon - 7 p.m. $8.00
House of Blues, Sunset – Apocalyptica, Eyes of Fire – 8 p.m. $15
28th El Rey – Dungen, Mia Doi Todd – 8 p.m. $18.50
Knitting Factory – Volto, The Scott Kinsey Group – 8 p.m. $15 Glasshouse - Electrocute, Wild Photography, Mika Miko, Hello Astronaut Goodby Television, Jesus Makes a Shotgun Sound – 7 p.m. $8 Club Good Hurt - State Shirt, Adam Smith, Izzy Alfi, Genji Nakano – 8 p.m. $5
Improv, Irvine – Gabriel Iglesias – 8:30 p.m. $20
House of Blues, Anaheim – Molotov – 8 p.m. $32.50
29th El Rey - Mike Doughty’s Band, Erin McKeown – 8 p.m. $21.50 Troubadour - The Fiery Furnaces, Great Northern – 8 p.m. $20
Galaxy Theatre – Lil’ Romeo – 7 p.m. $35
Wiltern – Styx – 8 p.m. $50 Henry Fonda Theatre – The New
Koo’s - Vengeance Upon Us, Doc
Henry Fonda Theatre – From Autumn to Ashes – 8 p.m. $15
Roxy – Less Than Jake, The Matches, Self Against City – 8 p.m. $16
Showcase Theatre – Nevea Tears, Holloway, Amber Sky, Coerce, Screams of Serenity – 7 p.m. $10 Glasshouse - Dungen, Mia Doi Todd
Roxy – Less Than Jake, The Matches, Go Betty Go – 8 p.m. $16
Glasshouse - From Autumn To Ashes, Armor For Sleep, Emanuel, Biology – 7 p.m. $15
Improv, Irvine – Gabriel Iglesias – 8:30 p.m. $20
Improv, Brea – 3 Blonde Moms – 8:30 p.m. $17
House of Blues, Anaheim - Story of
House of Blues, Anaheim – Cold, Smile Empty Soul – 7 p.m. $13
3rd Whisky A Go Go – Exodus, 3 Inches of Blood, Crisis, Watch them Die – 7 p.m. $12 Showcase Theatre – The Queers, The Independents, Grounded, Chalkie, KBH, Laid – 7 p.m. $10
Glasshouse - MIA, Spank Rock - 7 p.m. $17
- 7 p.m. $12
Improv, Irvine – Gabriel Iglesias – 8:30 p.m. $20
Improv, Brea – 3 Blonde Moms– 8:30 p.m. $17
Greek Theatre – Keane, The Long Winters – 7 p.m. $37
LA Sports Arena - My Chemical Romance, Alkaline Trio, Reggie & The Full Effect – 7 p.m. $25
Gibson Amphitheatre - Dolly Parton – 8 p.m. $75
October 1st El Rey - The Notwist & Themselves, Boy In Static – 8 p.m. $21.50
Coachhouse - Martin Sexton, Chris Trapper – 8 p.m. $17.50
Troubadour - The Autumns, The Sugarplastic, Hong Kong Six – 8 p.m. $10
4th El Rey - Laura Cantrell – 7 p.m. $18.50
Koo’s – Vagary, Endzweck, Die Young, Seven Generations, AD – 7 p.m. $6
Henry Fonda Theatre – M.I.A. – 9
Roxy – Tyler Hilton, Mozella, Curtis Peoples – 7 p.m. $15 Knitting Factory – T. Raumschmiere, Suicide Club, DJ CTown – 8 p.m. $14
Showcase Theatre – Life or Death, Die Young, Rime for Change, Final Fight, AD, Tears of Gaia – 7 p.m. $8
louse Engelhardt – 8 p.m. $17.
Wiltern - Robert Plant and the Strange Sensations – 8 p.m. $60
Koo’s – Mikoto, In Pieces, Marigold, Your Last Breath – 7 p.m. $8
Knitting Factory – The Queers, The Independents, Plastic Letters, Sidekick, The Culprits – 8 p.m. $10
Whisky A Go Go - ANKLA1, Enthral, Motive, Seventh Plague, Honor By Defeat, Ruthven, Defiled – 7 p.m. $10
Roxy – Juan the Mannequin, Yea
El Rey - Bouncing Souls, 7 Seconds, Street Dogs, The Loved Ones - 7 p.m. $17.50
Art Theatre – Rocky Horror Picture Show – 12 a.m. $7
Wiltern - Robert Plant and the Strange
Improv, Irvine – Norm MacDonald– 8:30 p.m. $27 8:30 p.m. $22
Plush Design Lab - Cold Water Kids, Peanut Butter and Jellies, Digits – 7 p.m. $5
Improv, Irvine – Gabriel Iglesias
Koo’s - Toys That Kill, This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb, Defiance Ohio, Tree Hugging Terror Squad – 8 p.m. $6
Improv, Brea – 3 Blonde Moms– 8:30
Blue Café – Thundherstruck, Who Show, Superplexi, Joe Wood – 8 p.m.
Showcase Theatre – UK Subs, MDC, Defiance, Deadline, 3CR – 7 p.m. $13 Improv, Irvine – Norm MacDonald– 8:30 p.m. $27
Improv, Brea – John Witherspoon– Greek Theatre - Franz Ferdinand, TV On The Radio, Cut Copy – 7 p.m. $35 House of Blues, Anaheim - Bloodhound Gang, Electric Eel Shock, Program the Dead, OPM – 7 p.m. $17 House of Blues, Sunset – Particle, Animal Liberation Orchestra – 8 p.m. $20
Improv, Irvine – Norm MacDonald– 8:30 p.m. $27
Whisky A Go Go – Horse the Band, Kerria, Esiah, Divided Souls, Fate by Fire, Escolta, Last Child – 7 p.m. $10 Improv, Brea – John Witherspoon– 8:30 p.m. $22
Plush Design Lab – Ole – 9 p.m. free
Coachhouse - Benevento Russo, Something for Rockets, Acacia, Statistition – 8 p.m. $15.00
Galaxy Theatre – The Exploited, Channel 3, Orange, Beerzone, One Big Lie, The Scabs – 8 p.m. $20
Art Theatre – Rocky Horror Picture Show – 12 a.m. $7
Knitting Factory – Local H, The Giraffes, The Revolution Smile, The Outline – 8 p.m. $13
– Molotov, Los Abandoned – 8 p.m. $32.50
Roxy – Jonny Was, 5606, No Sex Just Dancing – 8 p.m. $10
Showcase Theatre – Captain Scurvey, Made of Malice, The Hanks, Darcy Cash, The Hopeless – 7 p.m. $8
El Rey – Idlewild, Inara George – 8 p.m. $18.50
– 8:30 p.m. $20
Troubadour - Something for Rockets, Benevento Russo Duo, The Revelators – 8 p.m. $12
Coachhouse - Jazz Mandolin Project, Acacia – 8 p.m. $13.50
Sensations – 8 p.m. $60
the Year, Funeral for a Friend, Anberlin, He Is Legend – 6 p.m. $20
Coachhouse - Average White Band, Savage City, Platinum – 8 p.m. $19.50
Brother, A Jump Start – 7 p.m. $10
Improv, Brea – John Witherspoon–
El Rey - Black Dice, The Red Krayola, Growing – 8 p.m. $18.50
8:30 p.m. $22
tion, Adema, Chelsea Smiles – 8 p.m. $15
Improv, Brea – 3 Blonde Moms– 8:30
Knitting Factory – The Selecter, DJ Barrett, Christ Murray Combo, The HiLites – 8 p.m. $20
Coachhouse - Adrian Belew, Tou-
– 8:30 p.m. $20
House of Blues, Sunset – The Bangles – 8 p.m. $30
Galaxy Theatre – Brides of Destruc-
Improv, Irvine – Gabriel Iglesias
House of Blues, Anaheim - The Selecter, Fishbone – 7 p.m. $22.50
Henry Fonda Theatre – Black Rebel Motorcycle Society – 7 p.m. $17.50
Long Beach Arena – The Killers, British Sea Power – 7 p.m. $29.50
Showcase Theatre - No Bragging Rights, Shaunteclair, Hit The Switch, Lower Definition, The Ignorant, Echoes Of Eden – 7 p.m. $9
Greek Theatre - Franz Ferdinand, TV On The Radio, Cut Copy – 7 p.m. $35
Koo’s - Graf Orlock, Abominable Iron Sloth, Final Fight, Nuns With Guns – 8 p.m. $7
Pornographers – 8 p.m. $16
Whisky A Go Go – Cold, Smile Empty Soul, Fly Leaf – 7 p.m. $15
Plush Design Lab – Odelia – 9 p.m.
Whisky A Go Go – Charlemagne,
Greek Theatre – Journey – 7 p.m. $84.50
10th Henry Fonda Theatre – Bloodhound Gang - 8 p.m. $14.50
Roxy – Tracy Chapman – 8 p.m. $35 House of Blues, Sunset – Opeth – 7 p.m. $20
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
im Burton is a genius. Or an alien. Or maybe both. His mind works in ways that others don’t––he sees and creates things miles away from the ordinary, and yet all his creations are clearly, uniquely, products of his fertile, incomprehensible mind. His 1993 hit, Nightmare Before Christmas, was this kind of movie––totally different from anything before, and yet it made so much sense, it seemed so right, that it practically created its own subculture. Now, Burton has directed the follow-up to Nightmare, his second stop-motion animation movie, The Corpse Bride. The movies are easy to compare, since they look so similar––the same strangely shaped characters with skinny little legs, the same strangely real settings and expressions. The movies, though, despite their similar appearance and sensibility, are actually quite different. Corpse Bride, like Nightmare, is a love story, but a very different one. In this movie, the two leads are both locked up and berated by their families, forced into marrying someone they’ve never met. Fortunately for Victor Van Dort (voiced by Johnny Depp) and Victoria Everglot (voiced by Emily Watson), they fall in love at first sight, only to be ripped apart by their parents. It’s while Van Dort is stumbling through the forest outside of town that the real plot of the movie begins, when he accidentally marries the rotting corpse of a young, murdered bride. From there the movie becomes a fairly interesting love triangle, with Van Dort pulled between his living love, Victoria, and his deceased wife, currently residing in the underworld. The story, while potentially bland in another movie, is bolstered by the general strangeness of the movie, as it’s hard to feel like a love scene is cliché when the female lead is talking to a maggot living behind her eyeball. The way
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
“Ow. My brain.” This, and other such phrases, are likely to occur as the credits roll on What the Bleep Do We Know!?. If you are going to attempt to watch this film, please keep in mind the following things: 1) This is not a movie. This is a documentary. It does not have to have a plot, much less a good one. 2) The plot that it does have isn’t very good. That’s fine. The important thing here is the ideas that are brought up throughout the movie. 3) This is a thinking person’s movie. If you don’t like to think, or hate philosophy, steer clear. Having an open mind (or being chemically altered) will help you enjoy this movie immensely. Now that that’s out of the way, get ready. This is an ambitious documentary, one that tackles issues such as the
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The Greatest Game Ever Played
Another truly confounding aspect of Burton is that for as original and individual as his imagination is, he plays very well with others, and frequent collaborators Danny Elfman and Johnny Depp are both utilized quite well in Corpse Bride. Elfman’s score and vocal work are, as usual, seamlessly and perfectly integrated into the movie, while Depp provides an understated, nuanced vocal performance that once again demonstrates his ability to do whatever is necessary to further a film. Tim Burton’s gift as a filmmaker has always been his ability to create worlds. Whether it’s Batman or Beetlejuice, his films give the impression that the worlds within them will continue to live on, even after you leave the movie theater. Corpse Bride, while it isn’t his finest creation, still holds true to that standard. If that sounds like anything other than the mark of a genius (or an alien), I’d like to know.
What the Bleep Do We Know!? is extremely difficult to pigeon hole. Most people have found the tagline “A movie exploring where science and spirituality overlap” to be lacking. It defies categorization, and will, at random, spit out questions such as “ Have you
It was sort of a slow week this time around, so if it reads like I’m stretching certain stories beyond any semblance of reason, then it’s probably true. Anyway…
In Theatres This Week
The overall look of the movie is interesting as well, as the world of the living is drab, grey, and boring, while the realm of the dead is bright, colorful, and alive.
nature of reality, god, and quantum physics with equal ferocity. You’ll hear from people whose credentials take a paragraph to list. You’ll learn about a Japanese scientist who has been photographing water crystals that change their structure based on what is written on their containers. It’s a good primer on quantum physics, on neurophysiology, and on how to be patient. In short, this movie is chock-full of amazing information about life if one is willing to take the time to sit through the whole thing.
Quentin Tarantino is making another movie! Hooray! The new film, Grindhouse, was announced a few weeks ago, but Tarantino has begun spilling some secrets as to what the film will have in store for us. The film, which will attempt to recreate the “Grindhouse” experience of the 60s and 70s, will feature two one-hour-long horror/exploitation films made by Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez (Sin City). Tarantino recently revealed that Rodriguez’ segment will be titled, “Planet Terror,” and that his will be called “Death Proof.” “Mine is sort of a slasher film, but instead of a knife, it’s a car... His, he’s dealing with zombies and all that stuff. I think his might end up being more violent, but I’m not finished with my [script] yet, so you never know.” The film is also set to feature fake trailers for upcoming horror, sexploitation, kung-fu and spaghetti-western films that will play before the movies begin. The only thing missing from the theatre will be the smell of stale urine.
in which Corpse Bride most falls short of Nightmare is its soundtrack, which is still far from poor. The songs are more like those of a stage musical, as opposed to the more Disney-style songs of Nightmare. As such, they’re less catchy, and less memorable in general, but they still serve their purpose, providing insight into the characters, and a few laughs as well.
R New Line Cinema What happens to those normal-people-turned-heroes who foil violent crimes? History follows the aftermath of such a character, Tom Stalls, the consquences of his fifteen minutes of celebritydom, and explores the nature of heroism and fame in today’s America. The king returns and it is sweet.
PG-13 Warner Independent Studios
What the Bleep isn’t perfect, but neither is life. The trick is to go beyond just what is on the celluloid and dig deeper, to get down the rabbit hole as far as you are willing to go. If you do venture into the realms that What The Bleep dares to enter, be prepared to be rendered speechless when trying to describe it to others— and even if you do manage to, be prepared for blank stares and funny looks. It’s okay. I got used to it, and you will too.
Brace yourself. The Fast and the Furious 3 is going into production as soon as early October. The latest installment in the epic saga will feature Little Bow Wow as the lead. The story revolves around a kid that gets busted for street racing in the US, and moves to Japan, where he discovers “drift racing.” “The underground motor sport challenges drivers to accelerate through hairpin turns and then spin out of them, making for hair-raising races through city streets,” says Bow Wow. Justin Lin (Better Luck Tomorrow) will direct. I just want to know what they’re going to call this one. Here are a few of my own suggestions: 3 Fast 3 Furious: The Search for Spock, The Fast and the Furious 3-D, The Fast and the Furi-
A History Of Violence
Everything is Illuminated
ever wondered what thoughts are made of?” Perhaps this isn’t interesting to everyone, but the film was made for that small percentage of people who do wonder, and who realize that they’ve always wondered. It follows a few days in the life of Amanda, a bitter, deaf photographer (As stated before, these are the parts where you can get up to go piss or get a drink), interspersed with professors, physicists, writers, theologians, and philosophers all speaking about their varied and amazing areas of study. It challenges you to look beyond the obvious, and instead to look into the world of possibilities.
As a side note, if anyone is interested in attending a real Grindhouse double feature, you can go to the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles on the last Tuesday of every month. Admission is $7.00, and the film’s directors or stars are usually there to talk about the films before they start (I got to meet Bill Lustig and Larry Cohen during a screening of Maniac Cop 2 and Vigilante). There’s also a raffle before each screening, with prizes ranging from rare posters and other film-related swag, to a bottle of cheap hooch to make the Grindhouse experience complete. Oh, and Clu Gullagar (Return of the Living Dead), father to Project Greenlight’s John Gullagar (Feast), is always in attendance. It’s really an awesome experience for anyone with a healthy love of B-movies. You can get more information on this event at Hollywoodbookandposter.com.
PG Buena Vista It’s directed by Bill “The Pax” Paxton, about a young golf prodigy, and involves a heartwarming story of friendship. So it’s a combination of Miracle and The Rookie.
Based on the popular novel by the same name, the film stars Elijah Woods as a man traveling through Europe in search of his family history. The majority of the campus is already obsessed with the internet trailer.It’s indie, it’s artsy, and you’ll feel pretentious telling your friends that you saw it.
Into The Blue PG-13 MGM/Columbia Let’s be honest here: Jessica Alba in a bikini is the main selling point of this movie. The plot is pointless (save for the fact that it has contemporary pirates). The movie was created to showcase Alba’s body, and it does just that. I guess that makes it successful as a movie.
ous: Episode III Revenge of the Diesel or The Fast and the Furious and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Too soon? Apparently not. Oliver Stone’s untitled film about the last two people to be pulled from the rubble of the Twin Towers will hit theatres on 8/11 of next year. “First of all, you wanted to be out before Sept. 11,” said Paramount’s Wayne Lewellen. “You really didn’t want to be on that date because you don’t want it to appear that we were trying to exploit it.” If we were living in a cartoon, I’d expect Mr. Lewellen to have dollar signs for pupils and carry a top hat and cane around with him while he hums, “We’re In The Money.” I half expect a Titanic/Passion-sized audience for this movie. After all, if you don’t go to see this film the terrorists have already won, right? Remember when Francis Ford Coppola wasn’t famous for being “Sophia’s dad”? Say what you will about the man in recent years, his early work, including the littleseen The Conversation (made in between the first two Godfather films) is some of the best filmmaking ever. Which is why I’m happy to hear that Coppola is stepping back into the ring with a new film called Youth Without Youth. According to Variety, the film “centers on a professor whose life changes after a cataclysmic incident during the dark years before WWII. Becoming a fugitive, he is pursued through far-flung locations including Romania, Switzerland, Malta and India.” Meh. This could go either way. Frankly, I’m just glad Coppola’s making films again.
By Dan Steinbacher It’s been nearly three years since Jason Mizell, the legendary Jam Master Jay, was fatally shot in his recording studio in Queens. The huge outpouring of love and admiration for the DJ behind Run-DMC never seems to cease; ask anyone who has any respect for hip-hop about JMJ, and each and every time the response will be the same: Jam Master Jay was a legend, pure and simple. Run-DMC has been described by Ice Cube as “The Rolling Stones of the rap game,” a band whose influences can be traced down through the annals of hip-hop, setting trends and inspiring many of today’s MCs and DJs. Songs like “It’s Tricky” and “Sucka MCs” have gone from being tracks that only a select few appreciated to songs that everyone knows and loves. Jay took the turntables to new levels, but it was who he was as a human being that made his violent end such a shock. To anyone that knew him, Jay was a stand up man who never stopped giving back to the city and the music that had given him so much. His studio in Queens was a revolving door of New York talent, and he was a mentor to many younger rappers, notably artists such as 50 Cent. For such a tragic and public death, it is indeed strange that there has never been an arrest made for the slaying of JMJ, leading many to speculate about the nature of his murder. Much has been said about the violent lives of rap artists, but no one who knew Jam Master Jay could ever have guessed that that would be his fate. There have been rumors that JMJ’s involvement with 50 Cent at a time when the Gotti family had blacklisted him from the industry might have been the reason for an otherwise senseless killing and the subsequent lack of a guilty party being convicted. The impact that Run-DMC has had is still reverberating throughout the musical world, and not just in rap. “Walk This Way,” the infamous rap-rock hybrid song that Run-DMC produced in conjunction with Aerosmith, was the impetus for bands such as Rage Against The Machine, Linkin Park, and Kid Rock. That’s where Jam Master Jay lives on. That, and in Adidas shoes, of course.
he other day, in the earliest (and poorest in recording quality) interview I have carried out to date, I was gifted with a chance to talk to quite possibly one of the most influential hip-hop artists of all time. Now, I’m sure many people would disagree, but those people didn’t get a chance to talk to said hip-hop artist. First off, I’d just like to say that talking to Rev. Run is exactly the way you’d imagine it to be: disturbingly honest and powerful, no flowery crap, and yet still overwhelmingly positive. He seemed to command attention with every word he spoke. He didn’t put on airs for anyone, and he still came off as an awesome guy who’s doing the work he loves. I was instantly disarmed by his presence, to the point where I could barely string together a sentence without saying “Uhh” at least 12 times. A lot of the chat was about his new album, Distortion. Sure, the Rev could’ve probably hired all of the top 10 hottest producers to work on his new project, but then he’d be just like all the other “stars” who pull that crap. And then when it was fantastic, everybody’d be claiming that it was just because he owns part of Def Jam and he bought a good album. Not so, however, as Run picked an unknown producer to lay down his newest album. Producer Whiteboy was brought in (with, I’m sure, no hesitation from Whiteboy) to break the Rev’s musical silence since Run-DMC DJ Jam Master Jay’s death. Inevitably the subject of Jay and his death in 2002 came up during the inter-
Rev Run - Distortion In Stores - Oct. 18th
view, and it was noticeable that the Rev’s tone turned slightly gentler in respect for his long-time friend. When asked about the song “Home Sweet Home,” which pays tribute to the legendary DJ, Run has been quoted as saying that he wanted the song to “enrich [Jay’s] legacy.” But during the interview he gave a much warmer response, saying that Jay’s legacy wasn’t his music, but the person he was. It was a very tender moment in the interview, but I quickly segued the discussion back to colder waters.
By Matt Dupree I asked Run what kind of message he wanted to give to the hip-hop fans who were unaware of his credentials in music. His answer: nothing. That’s right, he really could care less if listening to the new album makes people go buy an old Run-DMC album. Needless to say, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did he really not care about spreading Run-DMC to the new legions of hiphop fans? But it wasn’t an apathetic turn from hip-hop, it was humility. Run doesn’t need people to think he’s a great musician, cause that’s not who he is. Run is just Run, and that’s all he’s ever been. Which leads inevitably to the question “Why get a reality show, Rev?” I can’t help but wonder still, since every time I look at the world of reality TV it shines back an uglier face than before. But, of
course, Run had a good answer. He saw the circus of reality TV but chose to do it anyway, because he thought someone might be inspired by the way he lives his life. He said that every episode would begin with his words of wisdom for the day (He IS, by the way, an actual reverend), and that the rest would be his life as a family man, devoted to his wife and kids. And that was that. The interview ended, and I spent the rest of the day telling everyone that I had just talked to Rev. Run. I can’t really express how honored I feel, but needless to say I’m overjoyed that it worked out. Sadly, my recorder picked up the blips and beeps being sent through the air by my cellphone and the whole recording was ruined (which is why you only see one direct quote), but I guess it’s a fitting end to such an indescribably fun interview. And now, I shall leave you with the Rev’s Words of Wisdom for the day of our interview: Good morning. Live mindful of how brief your life is..... It feels like just yesterday is a statement that we all say very often. Think about friends that passed, loved ones, family, parents etc.. Cherish your moments. Minutes are worth more than money. Spend them wisely. Many people take no care of money till they come to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time. (Here for a good time, not a long time)... Live in the present! Enjoy! GOD IS LOVE REV RUN
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
The Black Keys At the Galaxy
In a Union interview with future superstars The Black Keys, we discuss the blues, tire factories, and official fanboy Robert Plant. By Conor Izzett
xhausted and weary sits Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys in a room with a green piano, backstage at the Galaxy Concert Theater in Santa Ana. He looks at me as if to say, “not another interview.” But he is gracious, and proceeds to quietly answer every question I ask. The Black Keys, a band that conveys the deepest and dirtiest of lowdown crossroad blues, is made up of two white boys from Akron, Ohio. Dan, on guitar, and the lumbering drums of the incomparable Pat Carney crank out a two-man assault capable of humbling the best fivepiece rock ensemble playing today. In a Rolling Stone interview with Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin fame, Plant was asked what music he was currently listening to. He mentioned only the Black Keys before going on to say that he would “love to play bass with them for a bit.” “It’s ridiculous,” said Auerbach, blown away. “We’re trying to do it. He asked us to go on tour with him but we said no because we already had this tour set up. We still want to do it.” The industry’s most important figures have been taking notice of the Keys, including Rolling Stone magazine, which gave their 2002 release, The Big Come Up, four of five stars. Their latest album, Rubber Factory, was widely regarded as one of the best albums of 2004. It seems that every time
they turn around, they’re getting more and more attention. In a packed house, the most common phrase overheard was, “How long before the Black Keys come on?” Coming from a show at the historic Fillmore in San Francisco, Auerbach is amazed and self-effacing. “I had no idea. I didn’t know it was going to get this big, you know what I mean? We’re on this tour of the West Coast, we’re playing bigger rooms than we’ve ever played before. We don’t have a new record out, we don’t have anything pushing it, just kind of word of mouth.” The duo does all their recording entirely on their own, and laid down all the tracks on Rubber Factory in the former General Tire Factory in Akron, Ohio. “It’s a piece of shit, “ said Auerbach referring to the building. “It was what it was. In Akron, out the window, you could see the giant clock tower, and that’s how you’d tell what time it was. It worked for what we used it for but we got to move on.”
The Black Keys are distinctly raw and unpolished; a sound which some perceive as musically uneducated. “I don’t ever want to be musically educated,” said Auerbach. “It’s weird, writers say stupid things sometimes because they’re under a deadline, and it doesn’t really matter because it’s all opinion anyway. What we do is so basic, so simple, raw, fundamental, and that’s why we like it.” Auerbach and Carney take the stage, humble and unassuming. Auerbach takes a moment to thank the audience and to tune his guitar before launching into “10 A.M. Automatic.” Auerbach’s quiet, soft voice transforms into a deeply soulful wail, pervading every heart in the house. Song after song, Carney pushes the tempo to breakneck speed and the two play without missing or rushing a single beat. Auerbach’s one-man guitar arsenal is truly aweinspiring. It’s hard to believe this self-taught musician takes the role of lead singer and guitar player to such an unbelievable height. I never thought I’d say it, but the White Stripes have nothing on these guys. The hour-long set comes to a close and the audience bursts into rabid applause and a standing ovation, stamping their feet and pounding on tables. If you haven’t heard the Black Keys yet, you will. And you will never forget it.
Union Invades Inland Invasion By Sean Boulger
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005 page
Ah, the KROQ Inland Invasion. The one time every year when I have the exciting pleasure of making the delightful trek out to the gleaming and magnificent city of Devore, California, where I can then immerse myself in the rich melting pot of drunken, dirty, hairy, KROQ listeners that becomes the Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion. Thank the Lord Almighty I wasn’t sitting in that God-forsaken suburb of Hades that is sometimes referred to as “the lawn.” But let me begin my narrative from the very beginning. After a brief and air-conditioned journey out of my Camelot of Orange County and into the desolate wasteland of San Bernardino, we arrived at our final destination. We parked in some dirt and had a brief laugh at some knotted T-shirt-wearing hussies gathered around the car next to us, listening to the Killers and toying with their belly-button piercings. And then the magic began. Due to our most unfortunate setback, we had missed the first band to play, Kasabian, who, by all accounts, were amazing. Luckily, however, our setback was kind enough to allow us to miss the unfortunately-named Fishbone. We were just in time for Bloc Party, England’s newest contribution to amazing music. It’s very rare that I see a show put on by such an energetic group of adolescents. Especially British ones. After the madcap awesomeness of Bloc Party, my associate and I made our way over to some
seats that didn’t belong to us, where we witnessed the fourteen-piece majesty of The Arcade Fire. It was just enough to make me forget the disdainful douchery of the previous act, The Bravery. The acts the rest of the evening did not cease to amaze me. Live, while old, certainly put on an entertaining show but it was the Arcade Fire that proved to be the gem of the day. They were simply amazing, to say the least. With a husbandand-wife duo sharing vocal duties (this included Régine Chassagne’s interesting robot-mime during “Haiti”), and an Andy Dick look-alike banging on all sorts of interesting percussion, the Arcade Fire were a thirty-minute dollop of awesome sauce. Soon after, following some ninja magic that landed us seats in the orchestra section, we got to watch Garbage. Whoopee. Some more ninja status action got us into the pit, where we witnessed an overall good performance by the nostalgic 311. Definitely a very entertaining show, but it in no way prepared for the astounding performance on Beck’s part that was soon to follow. A bland set from rock’s biggest has-beens, Weezer followed Beck, and I was forced to miss the rest of the show (which consisted of Cake and Oasis) due to the losing of one our tickets. A most unfortunate ending to a day that was overall freakin’ awesome.
Only the Bad and the Ugly Wrapping up the worst of the worst, Michael Vermans once again listens so you don’t have to. He’s our hero.
The Skygreen Leopards Jehovah Surrender
Disturbed Ten Thousand Fists
Trading Yesterday One Day
Despite the awesome album art, this is actually really crappy music. I guess you can have an acid trip as a musician and write a bad albumsorry Jimi, they ruined it. I guess they sound like the Beatles when they just woke up in the morning and forgot how to play their instruments. This retro trend has gone too far.
I will put my intense hate of goth-shock-metal to use for this one. The album actually sounds amazingly cheesy, not one bit bad-ass, which is what I would have expected. Disturbed is clearly trying to get their new music video onto MTV by producing the hell out of their feces-cauldron “I hate my dad” rock.
Trading Yesterday is such a piece of sobby alt-rock shite that it could make Dan Steinbacher puke up 66 chicken nuggets. Wow, I hope this guy does what he wants to do with this album, which is get girls, despite his rampant and obvious homosexuality. Seriously, this is like a b-side from every album that came out in 1998.
The first words of the first song of this album are “sweet and low,” and I think that they are a metaphor for the entire album. It’s an artificial piece of trash, sweetened up enough to be bearable, even though the vocals are horrific. I’m also pretty sure that this album will eventually cause cancer.
Well, I can say for sure that their music is as cheap as their CD case looks. If music could have a smell, this would smell like Chinese quarter toys. You know the smell; it says that this toy is gonna break really soon because it’s shittier than the toys your parents won’t buy for you.
Stutterfly And We Are Bled of Color Maverick By Noah Karp Stutterfly has done it for me. For the first time ever, I find myself enjoying a pop-edged hard rock. With angsty licks and on-beat hits that can shake the stereo, this five-man ensemble packs a decent wallop. I’m not saying that I love this CD, just that I’m willing to listen to it. I’d call it really effective pop rock, in the style of He Is Legend or Lincoln Park (minus the hip-hop and subpar raps). The lyrics are passable, but song names are somewhat cliché; the back of the CD reads like a dark amateur nite poem, with titles such as “The Sun Bleeds Red,” “Life’s Disease,” and “Where Angels Fell.” This is a CD for blasting in a pickup truck on the way down to the beach, getting yourself primed for a sevenfoot swell. For your particular listening pleasure, check out the first song, “Dead Eyes”—it packs a punch. Other tasty morsels include “Burnt Memories,” “The Breath,” and “Fire Whispers.” Good stuff. While this CD isn’t the end-all be-all of the rock genre, it’s not trash either— so give it a listen and see what I mean.
Children of Bodom Are You Dead Yet? Spinefarm Records By Giuliano De Pieri
The Autumns Self-titled Pseudopod Records By Jesse Gayda
Using power metal, black metal, speed metal and Deep Purple-style keyboards, Children of Bodom are retaining their own unique style of music and showing their metal spirit in their new album, Are You Dead Yet? While the heavy style and intensity remains the same, the lyrical content has a slight twist, with more of a reality base than mysticism and legend. Some listeners will take some of the songs as either political or belligerent. One song that stands out the most is “If You Want Peace... Prepare for War.” Among other songs for fighting are “Punch Me I Bleed”, and “In Your Face.” Listeners may be shocked by their choices in cover songs. For fans of CoB in North America, the U.S. version includes a cover of “Somebody Put Something In My Drink,” by The Ramones. The Japanese version includes two bonus tracks: “Oops! I Did It Again” by Britney Spears and “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison. This is beyond any comic relief. The guys from CoB must have been on a drunken binge. In the world of metal, it is all about boldness and creativity. CoB are exemplary, with their own style of music. Gogol Bordello Multi-Kontra-Culti Vs. Irony Eugene Hutz takes his Gypsy Folk Music and adds punkrock swagger. Oh, come on, hasn’t this been done to death already?
Static X Start A War Warner Bros. By Noah Karp
It’s hard to explain this L.A.-area band. I could explain the fact that on this particular album there is plenty of variety throughout: songs ranging from mellow, artistic, and all around pleasant to a little bit noisier, distorted guitars and chorus-driven songs. At times I am reminded of the vocal stylings of Coldplay and the song structure of Radiohead (namely OK Computer), while the overall characteristic is that all 13 tracks are soothing, melodic and all-around great chill tunes. Among the tracks that stand out are “Desole” for its background harmonies reminiscent of Boyz II Men with a 60s twist, “Flies in the Eyes of the Queen” for its dominant use of instrumentation not used on other tracks, resulting in a less creepy Tom Waits-ish composition, “Wish Stars” for its sing-along-able chorus, “The Moon Softly Weeps a Lullaby” for its atmospheric sound and soundtrack-esque instrumentation, and “Heartsick on the Open Sea” for its waltzlike qualities. I would strongly recommend that you (yeah, you!) check this band out by either seeing them at a semi-local venue (wherever they may be playing—check the OC Weekly), or by possibly downloading a song or two (if possible).
Arcade Fire Funeral All band members play all instruments, they have motorcycle helmets for drums, and the lead signers are married. Accordions, glockenspiels, and talent.
New Pornographers Twin Cinema Canadian pop supergroup. They’re indy but better—no. They’re pop but not as stupid—no,no. They’re, ah, well, they have a really cool name and good songs, how’s that?
This CD will probably please fans of StaticX’s musical style. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, here it is: mechanical. This group lays monstrous guitar licks and solid bass kicks over extremely spartan drumbeats. The drummer plays relentlessly fast, but so precisely on-beat—with no swing or off-time to the hits—that the noise doesn’t move in waves or in rolls, but in choppy, jerky cuts. Instead of a guy thrashing back and forth in a swirling mosh pit, this music reminds me of a guy with dreadlocks goosestepping at 180 BPM. Not my kind of music, to be sure. Plus, most songs on this album are in the same key (B flat, I believe), creating a repetitive and generally unappealing release. But if you want a break from the overall grind, a couple songs rise above the rest. Listen to “Set It Off” and “My Damnation” for more ear-friendly thrashing. Granted, I find these more listenable because they approach the rock I’m more accustomed to, but so be it. Call me a philistine, but don’t call me someone who likes my metal served up by two thugs raging over a fiercely monotonous drum layer. I just prefer a good old-fashioned thrash. David Bowie Greatest Hits This is Ground Conrol to David Bowie. We really liked your album. But you’re getting kinda creepy. And we wish you’d go back, to being ZIGGY!
Sage Francis A Healthy Distrust The only MC good enough to get signed to punk label Epitaph. C o m p l e x wordplay and jaw-dropping beats. He hasn’t even begun to peak.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
w w w. c s u l b s t u d e n t u n i o n . c o m
day27TH s e u T BER EM T SEP
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Latino Heritage Documentary
7p.m. Beach Auditorium
DAY TH S E N WEDMBER 28 E SEPT
MTV- Date My Mom Casting Call
12p.m. Southwest Terrace
DAY9TH S R U TH MBER 2 EPTE
Poetry Slam Team Tryout
7p.m. Soroptomist House
The Third in a Series of Eerily Devotional Articles By Elijah Bates A.D. 1450 – Movable type invented A.D. 1450 (the next day) – News reporting becomes relevant A.D. 1450 (the next hour) – Relevancy is thrown out the window as the term “credible news source” loses all credibility
ver since Gutenberg changed civilization, the socalled art of news writing and reporting has been in a constant decline, almost immediately morphing from an accurate and exact “science” into a ridiculous and predominantly hilarious form of satirical work. What once existed as serious news soon shifts and shapes into something preposterous, ingraining itself into the brains of casual readers until they are all personally experts in the extremely important field of “who gives a fuck?” Stories today are constantly fabricated, published under presumption and assumption rather than cold hard fact. News is not so new as it is gnu (i.e. an African bull) and most of it has become so hard to believe that even the craziest of notions fail to peak public interest. However, for those looking at headlines with hope for a title to get their attention again, look no further than the Onion’s Finest News Reporting, yet another fine collection strewn together and put out by the satirical demigods. The concepts that come forth are, as always, about as realistic as satirical fantasy could be. While many of the ideas put into this collection initially look as though they came from the normal cornucopia of typical slanted crap, any unaware onlooker and satire fans will soon initiate the patented Onion double take. Normal from first look, asinine at second glance, hilariously insane over the course eternity.
The content within the cover walls is typical Onion material, although such is far from a negative thing. Different than Our Dumb Century, the stories inside of FNR are given far more individual focus. Instead of placing an entire newssheet of satire on every page, FNR lets a single story exist on a single leaf, sometimes even devoting a two-page spread to a lone lampoon. Every idea is a highlight, far different from the barrage of jokes and anecdotes that a collection like ODC slings at the reader. Unlike other Onion anthologies, humorous headlines never get lost here. Jokes are freed from their tightened bustle and have room to breathe. The time and meticulous effort that went into the piece can actually be noticed, and hopefully appreciated. The topical humor here is top-notch, although slightly dated since its original printing. Although Bill Clinton jokes are certainly timeless, people tired of reading about Bill’s sex scandals, Bill’s drug use and Bill in general may not be as interested by FNR as will others, such as the actual Clinton family, Monica Lewinsky or 1998. However, like a good episode of Saturday Night Live, topical humor from half a decade ago survives and strives in FNR leaving the reader as satisfied as Billy-Boy with a new box of cigars. Also, the overly sensitive may be turned off by many of the stories, including one on the cover which features a headline titled “Christopher Reeve Placed Atop Washington Monument,” also accompanied by an outrageously offensive photo. However, if you’re a fan of the Onion and someone who appreciates satire and history (if it could even be called that yet), you will love FNR. If Chris Reeve was alive today, he’d be laughing the bedsores off of his body all the way back from Barnes & Noble. So go out and get it today! If not for the Onion, then do it for Superman!
Don’t Get Too Comfortable By Doug Rakoff 240 Pages Doubleday; 22.95 Reviewed by Jen Perry Don’t Get Too Comfortable is an excellent satirical commentary on what has become of today’s America from an insider’s point of view. In his second collection of autobiographical essays, David Rakoff details the lifestyle of a higher-than-middle class society where excess is the new humility, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Each essay is a different yet similar situation, where he is stuck in the middle of an uncomfortable encounter with the new American ideals that have taken over today’s culture. One can sense an almost desperate plea from Rakoff as he is tossed into each absurdity, and can’t quite comprehend how the rest of America is still sitting in a daze as its morals and virtues are freely tossed to the wind and replaced with what could be described as materialistic self-destruction. From the ironies of becoming a U.S. citizen to a photo shoot for a Latin-American Playboy TV program, he gives readers an inside look at what it is to be lost in the gaudiness that has become of our society. Rakoff does a great job of showing us just how much we’ve become obsessed with our obsessions, and how completely oblivious we are to our vanity-induced cultural suicide.
KURT VONNEGUT DOUBLE FEATURE! THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005 page
Breakfast of Champions
A Man Without a Country
146 Pages Seven Stories; $23.95
A Required Reading by Dan Steinbacher
Reviewed by Mike Guardabascio
It’s 2005, and nobody is equal. Kurt Vonnegut is 82, smokes Pall Malls, and is still putting out better books than any of you schmucks. A schmuck is a writer who will never be as good as Kurt Vonnegut, who wrote Breakfast of Champions. Everyone is a schmuck. Breakfast of Champions is not a book that will change your life. People think that books can change lives, but this is untrue. Books are pieces of paper with ink stains on them, they cannot change anything. Breakfast of Champions isn’t a book. It is a living, breathing creature who wants you to understand life. But that isn’t until the end of this article. You can skip ahead to it if you like. It doesn’t matter.
God is not dead. On September 15th, eyes became worth the trouble again, as Kurt Vonnegut broke his promise and published another book. Man Without a Country, while not a work of fiction, is still a story. The book is a series of short non-fiction musings, some of which appeared in the magazine In Our Times. The brief essays paint a picture of a man who has faith in his country and its people, but recognizes that they have both lost their way, and is saddened to see them slipping further and further into misery and decay.
Breakfast fills a need, a need for all of us poor souls who are trapped within the cogs of this country and this world without directions, without purpose. It is a flaring matchhead, briefly illuminating a horribly designed machine. Follow Kilgore Trout as he winds his way through the gears; discover why he wants his tombstone to read “Life Is No Way To Treat An Animal,” why Dwayne Hoover can cause pain as he chooses, and why two neon orange tapes on an avocado green background is everything. Breakfast of Champions doesn’t hold back. It can’t. It was created not to be able to. Breakfast was not created to be true. There is no truth. Truth is a word adults tell children so that they will be able to make them feel badly when children make sounds with their mouths that adults disapprove of. The children then do the same with each other, until they die. So it goes. Kurt Vonnegut is older than he has any right to be. He has a twenty one year old daughter. One day they will both be dead. So it goes. Some people have trouble with Breakfast. Breakfast of Champions wants to help. It was created to want to help. And so on. So, Breakfast of Champions has diagrams, all created by Vonnegut. Life isn’t simple, but the diagrams are. Complicated concepts that may be hard to grasp, such as electric chairs, an asshole, underpants, and wide-open beavers become blissfully simple when rendered by Vonnegut’s black marker. It is nice for something that wants to help with understanding life to include pictures. They are worth a thousand words, each and every one of them. Some people think television has made words obsolete. They are wrong. Television has made life obsolete. If you read Breakfast, this won’t seem so bad. Granted, I was programmed to say that.
Vonnegut’s writing is rarely angry, though, just disappointed, and hopeful in his wry, realistic way. The book is incredibly funny, too, with lines such as, “If I ever die––God forbid,” and “When I got home from the Second World War, my Uncle Dan clapped me on the back, and said, ‘You’re a man now.’ So I killed him.” Vonnegut’s unique humor keeps the pace of the book moving quite quickly––in fact, the only real problem with the book is that it’s not long enough. When reading it, it seems like one is listening to Vonnegut basically getting some things off his chest. He writes about his problems with the president, which, while obviously serious, are usually quite funny. He writes about writing, about Breakfast of Champions and Cat’s Cradle, and gives some helpful tips for young writers today. He writes about all of the problems and frustrations that come with living in the world today, but, more importantly, he writes about the things that make life worth living: music, writing, and the truly good people we can meet if we’re lucky. He also writes, in a section that will hold great interest for Vonnegut fans, about the novel he’s been working on for years now, called If God Were Alive Today. He’s having trouble finishing it, but the few snippets he shares will have fans everywhere praying that he does. Man Without a Country is not a masterpiece. It’s a short collection of writing that captures the spirit of our greatest living writer, and is a great reminder of all the masterpieces he’s written before. It is entertaining, and funny, and, despite its brevity, it perfectly represents the Vonnegutian style and philosophy. It’s a great book for people who have never read Vonnegut, and an even better one for people who have. Either way, it is truly a great thing to be alive when there is a book in the New section of your local bookstore with Kurt Vonnegut’s name on it: don’t take it for granted.
A Short Story By Katie Wynne
e asked if she wanted a coffee. She said:
“I love the idea of really depressed tortured souls sitting in a circle and jerking each other off. Love is a great feeling. Realizing that you have invested so much emotion into a black hole of lies and condescension. Love is a waste of time because it is fruitless. The only thing that will result from giving your heart to someone is nights of anger, mistrust, and wine. People who say they are in love are strange. They are lying and saying it back to someone in the hopes to stay in good company. They don’t want to be alone. They want someone to listen to their problems and their thoughts. But, these people shut others out, everyone who really cares. They will give themselves to the fake listeners, the users, the head nods and uh-huhs. They’ve closed themselves off to the ones who care. The people who have sat by and watched them talk to other people, they have stayed at home and wondered what it is that blocks people from them.”
at the feet of another with such heated faith; a burning hot faith that singes the lungs and allows smoke to slip through the lips. Love’s exhale. It looks like you are smoking. Again.” He said that he was going home because it had been a long day. She said: “Love. I know you. I have seen you, the part that you showed me, my part. My small part of something. I am okay with that part. What do I call you? A joke? A myth? A feeling? Freedom? I call you what you are, a phantom. Sometimes visible, but never really there, you float from thought to thought. You are intangible. Maybe you were here once, but that was then. Now will anyone ever feel you again?” He left. She said: “Love. Yeah. And thanks for jerking me off. I’ll get you next time. Maybe we can talk about politics or the philosophy of beauty and truth over coffee and a screw.”
He said that love is a joke She said: “Love. A joke? I don’t really think that it’s funny though. What is funny about sacrificing everything to someone only to get snubbed? I’m not disappointed. Disappointment requires some greater expectation. I never expect anything great from anyone. Funny. Maybe it is funny in that we as humans strive to connect; to consume emotions and gain acceptance. It is like a race where everyone’s hands are bound by the heartstrings of someone else. If you picture a whole mass of people running without being able to use their hands, then yeah, that is funny.” He said that love is a myth and that he was tired. She said: “Love. A myth? Maybe. Perhaps there is no such thing as the ability to truly give yourself to someone else. It is a hard thing to do. Everyone always wonders what will be in it for him or her (he hates when people do that). Will they get free lodging, free checking, and a new bedspread? Will they get to have set plans for weekends and not have to see movies by themselves? A myth. Usually a story that brings to light an explanation of why something is the way that it is. Love. For centuries people lived their lives according to myths and superstitions. It is a religion. Love as religion? People living their lives for a god they have created. The God of their heart; put up on a pedestal and knelt before. Sacrifice your time, soul, money, and tears to the creator of happiness. Devote your heart to this God. False God? If someone says that love is a myth they must really be in love. To drop their spirit
Think you can do better than Katie Wynne? Well, go ahead and try, friend. This is your shot at fame, fortune, and...um...fame:
The First Semesterly Union Weekly Short Story Contest. All submissions must be 1,000 words or less––no restrictions on content or genre. Best story wins a cash prize, and I’ll print the top two or three. All CSULB students are eligible, including our writers, though I’ll be judging them without seeing the names. Just email your submissions to my lovely assistant at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Deadline for submission is October 15th.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
Love, I Know You
If you have any questions, stop by the Union Office
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Bringing Out the Beach in Me
t’s Saturday, September 10th, 2005, and I’m visiting my friend Jeff at the University of Missouri. A high school friend, Cody, plays for the University of New Mexico football team. In May we found out that UNM was playing at Missouri on the 10th, so we made plans and booked our flights to St. Louis. Unreal is the only way I can describe the college football glory that Missouri has to offer. Its unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been to USC and UCLA games—but not Big XII football. Not Midwestern football. The campus police here are, shall we say, lenient when it comes to public alcohol use. On top of a parking garage overlooking the football stadium, we ate and drank like tailgating kings. Fraternities and sororities have their own staked-out plots of parking garage with which to barbeque and, occasionally, take a beer-bong or two. Alumni of yesteryear stroll around, beers in hand, reminiscing about their heyday and chanting the fight song with anyone who will chant with them. This is what I had come to see, this Mecca of college football. Inside, in a sea of black-and-yellow Missourit-shirts, my friends and I are the only ones in New Mexico red, head to toe. The irony of my being surrounded by an endless sea of black-and-yellow was not lost on me. For a moment, I felt like I was at home, at my school. Like it was Long Beach State’s football game that I was gearing up for. It was easy to think that way with so many people in what seemed like 49er colors. Why not? I thought. Why not Long Beach State? Why can’t this be a 49er football game? Why can’t I have a school that commands this kind of response for a home game? Why doesn’t my school attract tailgaters, crowds of loyal alumni, diehard fans who sing the fight song while throwing another slab of ribs on the grill? I’ve been led to believe that it could happen. I read student newspapers claiming that the school would be on another level if only there was a football team I listened last semester as a Student Presidential candidate promised to work to bring back the glory that comes from having a football team.
This could be mine. These Fifty thousand screaming fans could be chanting the slow chant that I’ve come to love, “LONG...BEACH...STATE!” Think about it. Fifty thousand people, filling one stadium. That’s a small city. That’s actually a pretty good-sized city. All rooting for one team. Crazy, right? We should be so lucky. Right? I started to think, Is it possible? Could CSULB even house a football team? Finance it? Support it? Sure, it was great to see how Big XII fans embrace their teams, but would we stay with the 49ers through thick and thin, through bowl games and losing seasons?
By Ryan ZumMallen The answer is an overwhelming NO. It’s just a fact. There is nowhere for a football team to play. There is no financing for a football team. And after one losing season, there would be very little support for a football team. CSULB is not ready for or capable of housing a successful Division I football team. Luckily for us, the football team is not what makes the University of Missouri special. The same goes for schools like Ohio State, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas, and even USC. A football team does not guarantee success. So what does? Support. All of the aforementioned programs have diehard fans and followers, to whom their school can do no wrong. Look at Notre Dame this season. After several lackluster seasons, the Fighting Irish are off to a great start and their true fans stuck with them and believed that they would return to glory. Do you think that the Buckeyes, Wolverines, Sooners, Longhorns and Trojans have never had any losing seasons? Every team has bad years, bad eras, bad decades. It just so happens that CSULB football had fallen on hard times almost 15 years ago, and a program needed to be cut. Football requires (by far) the most funding, so it was the obvious target to get the axe. We’re not getting a football team anytime in the near future. Live with it. Embrace it. Even better, embrace what we do have. How many people realize that CSULB is home to one of the only 3 pyramids on U.S. soil? Las Vegas, Memphis, and Long Beach. The end. Why can’t we fill the arena? We complain about not having a football team, while ignoring our nationally ranked volleyball
Support your Long Beach sports teams at www.beachpride.com
Hot Corner THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
With Brian Harris
s of Friday, September 24th, there are seven teams in the National Football League who are undefeated. They are the Beagles, Colts, Chiefs, Giants, Steelers, Buccaneers, and Redskins. Don’t let the records fool you, though; not all of these teams are real. First I’ll speak on the real teams, the Steelers, Colts, and the Bengals. Yes, the Bengals. It is obvious to everyone the Steelers and Colts are contenders—they play teamball. The Steelers have a solid unit, and worry more about the win than they do about the stats. The Colts’ only problem last year was their defense, but the unit looks good this year. Dwight Freeney is such a stud he
Here’s your Hot Corner
single-handedly makes their D unstoppable. The Bengals defense put up good numbers last year, and the connection between Carson and Chad is ridiculous. The Kansas City Chiefs are not a real team, but they have a great shot to win their division. Lucky for them, the Chargers have a tough schedule and their division is soft. The Bucs look very good because of their defense, but they have no quarterback. Although the Packers look horrible, they always beat up on Tampa, so expect nothing else (that’s a prediction). The Giants are only 2-0 because of Hurricane Katrina, which brought the Saints into New York for a “home game” (great decision, Tagliabue). The Redskins, who pulled the rope-a-dope on the Cowboys last week, absolutely suck. Sorry, Vinny, but they do. With the benefit of an easy schedule thus far they look good, but after the Seahawks they will no longer be unbeaten (another prediction). P.S. Casey, how can you say G.A. hasn’t turned out to be a good prospect? The man has a over a thousand R.B.I.’s, and Erstad has 3 gold gloves at 3 different positions. Last week, Harris claimed that steroid use in baseball is not as prevalent as some say.
aybe steroid use was not as big of a Vinny Castilla dropped from 35 to 12. problem as it was made out to be. Granted, there are guys who have But as common sports fans, we really do not increased their home run production this year know—we’re not in the locker rooms. and Jones is the first major-leaguer to hit 50 However, if you want to make the argu- since Thome and A-rod did it in 2002. Hitters ment that simply looking at the numbers will are also citing better pitching as a variable to show you the problem was overplayed—look the league-wide lower numbers. again! Nevertheless, you have to look at the numYes, Andrew Jones is having a wonderful bers. Since steroid testing began handing out year slugging homers. Unfortunately, this stiffer penalties, nine players have gotten hit doesn’t mean much in demonstrating that “we with 10-day suspensions, including Raphael are seeing just as many home runs as before.” Palmeiro. The minor leagues have suspended According to a Yahoo Sports article by AP over 65 players for traces of illegal enhancers, writer Robert Blum, home runs in the Major with various degrees of penalties being given. League have dropped to the lowest level in Also, look at the list of all-time home run eight years. An average of 2.06 homers per leaders. Three active players of the so-called game were hit through September 18th, steroid era are in the top ten—Bonds, Sosa according to Elias Sports Bureau, down 8 ½ and the positively-tested Palmeiro. Bonds laid percent from last season’s final average. The low this year, Sosa sucks and Raphy now has figure hasn’t been as low since 1997. as much credibility as a whore in church. For Injuries have derailed some heavy hit- good measure, throw in McGwire at number ters such as Bonds, Thome and Rolen, seven on the list. Enough said. causing them to have significantly lower Jose Canseco may be a washed-up ‘roid numbers. What about the healthy guys? head, but a liar he likely is not. Andre Beltre went from 48 last season to Neither are the numbers. 18. Carlos Beltran fell from 38 to 15 and —Kevin Malinowski page Let us know what YOU think at email@example.com
teams. We ignore our basketball teams, each on the rise in the mighty Big West Conference. That’s right. The mighty Big West. It’s no Big XII, but it’s ours. There are competitive games to be played and fierce rivalries to be fought. My point, long-winded though it may be, is that when we argue and debate for a football team, we subconsciously take away from the teams that we do have. The women’s soccer team, with its talented and potential-laden freshmen class. The women’s volleyball team, robbed of a Final Four berth last year, back with All-American candidate, sophomore Alexis Crimes. So many others that I have accidentally left out and overlooked because, frankly, we have so many teams. If my trip to Missouri taught me anything, it is that fan support means more than any football team. Because, you see, New Mexico defeated Missouri in Columbia. And I fully believe that the reason is that my friends and I, seated way up in the corner of the New Mexico fan section, cheered so loudly that we outweighed the other 50,000-something Missouri fans. The Lobos walked out of Columbia with a win, and I give myself all of the credit. I cheered until I lost my voice for my best friend, Cody, who ended up with 5 tackles. I see no reason to give any less to my school. Do you? If you love college sports, then you have to love CSULB sports. The competitive fire that drives our athletes is something that I wish I possessed. They deserve our support as fellow students, fans, and friends. They give their all for our school, the least we can do is be there to cheer them on. See you at the game.
Double Meanings; A Sports Dictionary Hornsby, Roger, St. Louis Cardinal- Used to inform one of an activity involving a phone. Synonym: Phone call. Example: Man one wants man two to find a party and says “Man, get on the Roger Hornsby.”
Contact the Comics Editor at firstname.lastname@example.org
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
COLLEGE LIFE by Andrew Wilson
YOU’RE STUCK HERE by Victor Perfecto!
HARD-BOILED by Craig Rohlfing
PROGRESSING? NOT REALLY. by The Man
HIPPIE IN THE CITY by KENDRA
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
This annual brew from Stone Brewery, the North San Diego County makers of Arrogant Bastard Ale, pours out of the bottle with the viscosity of motor oil, with a thick and creamy chestnut-hued head. Putting the glass to a light reveals a darkness unsurpassed by other beers, its blackness blocking even the brightest light from shining though. Weighing in at an impressive 10.8% Alcohol By Volume, this beer has rich and smooth flavors of back currants and coffee beans effectively mask the intense alcoholic taste
Definition 1: A moment of clarity at a time when one realizes the cause of and solution to their life’s problems. Said moment is ignored almost 99.8% of the time, even while staring one’s own sad image in the eyes just seconds after a life-releasing heave into a toilet or bedside floor. Definition 2: A moment of clarity when one realizes the mistakes made in unnecessary sexual situations the night prior. Often, the mistake is made obvious by the ugly hobbit laying its head on one’s favorite pillow, which will soon reside in a dumpster or roommate’s bed. Dust from industrial elevator floors must be immediately swept away and eliminated so that the night can be forgotten and morning can exist mistake-free. Definition 3: A moment of disparity when I realize the carnage I caused just hours before. Hazefilled memories reappear as nightmarish recaps of the crimes I committed/instigated the previous night, all due the fact that Definition 2 never took place. Usually, I wake up confused on my kitchen counter, mistakenly believing myself to be in the confines of a prison cell. Disappointment always lingers along as the realization hits that I escaped my vices unscathed once again. By Elijah Bates
This hard-hitting stout is an impressive brewing feat indeed. Upon taking the first sip, one is transported into a wonderful world of complex emotional tranquility. The warmth of the high alcohol content mixes with the chill of the icy brew, and the two battle for dominance within the chest as the liquid slowly makes its way to the belly. Immediately, the mind clears, and one begins to wonder about the effects on their social status if they were to drink nothing but this brew for the rest of their life. Substituting food and drink for the almighty Imperial Stout? Suddenly, the term ‘alcoholic’ doesn’t carry the same stigma it did the moment before. By Brian Dunning
If I had one wish, it would be to not watch myself die. This might seem odd to some, but the unlucky few aboard flight 292, who actually chose to watch news reports about their crippled plane and possible death, must have had nerves of steel. Only JetBlue offers 36 channels of DirecTV programming live at every comfy leather seat. And only AirBus, the manufacturer of the plane involved in the incident, offers planes that, on more than one occasion, has landing gear that refuses to obey its captain. Now, if I were on the plane, I’d be watching porn trying to get myself off. “Hey myself, ever thought about joining the Mile-high Club?” I’d ask myself. If I’m going to die in a fiery plane crash, I want to at least leave my mark in this world with one more lewd act. Maybe I’d even get out of my leather seat, grab a stewardess and give her a tour of my cock-pit. Either way, death should be instantaneous. You don’t see AIDS patients watching themselves deteriorate, unless you’re Pedro on the Real World. If you are interested in watching yourself die, let me know, I’ll hold the camera. By Andrew Loyola
What’s up with Verizon phones? I know that most people out there have had the same experience with Verizon that I’ve had. There is a myriad of space junk (a.k.a. satellites) in the sky, yet despite all the “useful” tools up there, their phones still get as much service as a trekkie at the playboy mansion. How is it that they can have a camera, a radio, and a robotic hand that comes out to wipe my nose, but I can’t use it to actually talk to people? I swear that during one of their commercials I heard, “Buy the new Motorola V919, complete with 1.3 gigapixel camera, so you can take a picture of how pissed you are at the exact moment you realize you got ripped off!” I feel like I’m paying for a service that I’m not getting, like a fat girl on Jenny Craig. So what the hell am I paying for if my phone doesn’t work… a $150 watch? I wouldn’t be surprised if my hefty chunk of change is going straight into James Earl Jones’ pocket. I’ll give Verizon phones 0 bars out of 5 bars, in honor of the amount of service I get. By Joey Calmer
Brian’s beer review: priceless. I found myself shivering and squirming with undisguised want and need, coveting that rich thick ale. Well done, mate. Eli: just doesn’t know how to drink. He doesn’t realize that his latter two problems can be corrected simply by continuing to drink until you can’t remember a thing. That way, you can stay blacked out, way beyond the nuisance of memory. Maybe try some of Brian’s ale. Joey: simply with the wrong phone service. Trust me, Verizon is way too big to care about one piddling little customer. And, about the trekkie at the playboy mansion, I disagree. I like to think that I would get plenty of tail from Ms. March, who strongly resembles Dr. Deanna Troy. Andrew: watch out, buddy. The police already have a file on you, and that whole “baby James” fiasco hasn’t blown over yet. Just be careful that they don’t ban you from air travel as well as elementary school grounds. And a note: men don’t have cockpits, women do. Unless you personally are built a little differently, which would explain a lot. Noah: probably the only perfect review on this page. Succinct, well-organized, stylish, and insightful. His overall charisma is astounding, and I would love to take him out to dinner sometime. He astounds me. I’d give this page three and a half out of five reviews, plus a bonus title or two for good graphics. By Noah Karp
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 26 SEPTEMBER 2005
Fake News Briefs At Their Very Finest Britney Spears Lip-Syncs Screams While Giving Birth MALIBU - Britney Spears gave birth last week to her first-born son, Sean Preston Federline, in a performance that has come under considerable controversy. After her screams clearly did not align with her mouth movements, critics have charged her with lip-synching. On her website blog, Spears vehemently denied the allegations. “They were only backing tracks. All artists use them. Kevin and I are so happy. Kevin likes our baby much more than his brown ones. Finally we can leave that pesky first wife behind.” Spears’ publicist issued a statement saying that “Britney only wanted to deliver the best performance for the attending doctors and nurses, and that screaming parts accurately during such complicated choreography is quite difficult.” Despite the birth’s detractors, fans on hand described the show as amazing and disgusting. The birthing performance came complete with fireworks, lasers, and back-up birthers. Federline is looking forward to “finally being able to tap that ass again.”
Katrina Death Toll Not High Enough For Media NEWSYLVANIA - Laslow Media (pronounced Meh-dee-uh) held a press conference for his cat, Numnuts, Tuesday to complain about the lack of entertaining details currently surrounding Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath.
“So, the first day, everyone’s all like, ‘This is our tsunami!’ and ‘Ooooowwwwwwwww! Worst disaster ever!’” exclaimed Media. “I was like ‘Oh, man! This is gonna be sweet!’ Totally thinking it’s the next 9/11, the worst thing the Western world has ever seen. Now three weeks later and what do we got? 1,000 dead people?! That sucks!!” Media, who has been thinking about nothing but destruction since he can remember, wanted to make sure that the story was properly taken care of and that no loose details were left contradictorily flapping in the wind. “Look, all I’m saying is that they said this was as bad as the tsunami. If so, then where are the hundreds and thousands of dead people? I’m telling you, there better be some secret underground society that drowned or we’re all screwed. Me and Numnuts, that is.”
Local Area Debate Over DodieWhacking LONG BREAK - Two local men, Jub Spunk and Leland Landers, held a formal debate over whether whipping someone with a relaxed ring finger is called “rubber fingering” or “dodie-whacking.” Though no set conclusion was reached, the discussion degenerated into an all-out war, with the sounds of finger-banging reaching far into the night. Spunk, who supported “rubber fingering,” injured his stronger left finger on Landers’s elbow, a turn of events that proved crucial to the fight’s outcome. The eventual winner, Landers, said he was always open for a rematch, but declared the fight “an eternal victory for ‘dodie-whacking.’”
Pure Luck from page 1
was supposed to after the bee stung him in the plane. The movie just wasn’t funny to other people like it was in my head. For God’s sake, Glover wasn’t even supposed to be in the final product. Now, I’ve finally gotten Pure Luck to the point where I know it needs to be.” With a tentative re-release date of the seminal classic set for June 6, 2006, the updated version is far different than its edited incarnation currently playing every year on the year on the PAX Network. Nearly everyone involved with the production of the updated edition is raving about Pure Luck: SE, claiming that the initial shortcomings and disappointments of the original film have been buffed away. “I remember the director …damn it, I can’t remember her name…Diana Something-orother…anyways, I remember her being pretty frustrated cause she couldn’t tell the story of Proctor and Raymond the way she wanted to,” Above: Upset at being cut from Pure Luck, explained star Martin Short. “The technology Glover takes himself to the prom was so limited back then and hadn’t caught up to her vision. Also, the studio didn’t really want to give too much money and Something-or-other was constantly fighting the studio over money or the lack thereof. The fact that Glover has been in this film for fifteen years is a testament to that.” Given a liberal amount of leniency by Universal (Pure Luck’s distributor) to finally finish the film, the first priority of Tass’ $55 million Special Edition was to re-cut the film back to the length she initially wanted. The re-inserted scenes run the gamut of hilarity, ranging from Martin Short falling into some pretty deep holes, Short walking into a few more walls and Martin Short getting his ass kicked by two or three more Pacific Islanders. One such ass kicking even includes a cameo by Charles Grodin, who coincidentally was on the studio set doing ADR for Clifford. In addition to re-inserting deleted scenes, Tass has painstakingly gone over every single frame of the film and erased Danny Glover entirely. Completely changing the scope of Pure Luck, the role of Raymond has been filled by an ILM animated, sassy Jamaican alien to be voiced by Billy Dee Williams. The removal of Glover is something Tass had originally wanted to do in the first place, as the screen veteran was only supposed to be a stand-in to be taken out during post-production. Although it was thought that Glover’s reaction to being removed would stir a negative reaction from the film legend, Danny did not seem to mind being taken out of the movie. “I’m not too worried about being taken out of[Pure Luck], as I don’t feel it is indicative of my best work,” commented Glover recently while doing a cast audio commentary for the Flounder Edition DVD release of Gone Fishin’. Furlong from page 1
G: Wait, that wasn’t you. That was Nick Stahl. Dude, I think you are mistaken. The last thing you did was the movie about ghosts in a cave on the border of Mexico. Um, Intermedio. EF: No way. I got to make out with hottie Claire Danes and this chick in a skin tight jumpsuit. G: Um. EF: But you aren’t paying attention to the problem at hand. Right now the storm appears to be over. The sky is clear and the lighting has stopped. But that just means that they are out there trying to find me. I have been clever enough to avoid being killed so far, but who knows how long I can last. I need to stay alive so that I can start the revolt against these things. G: Yeah, Eddie, we actually thought that this was a joke, man. You have really gone off the
deep end. EF: Three billion lives would vanish in an instant, and I would lead what was left of the human race to ultimate victory. It hasn’t happened, no bombs fell, computers didn’t take control. Instead there was a storm and now here I am. G: Amazing. EF: Yep. G: Well, good luck with that, I guess. EF: There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. Furlong left the Grunion basement walking slowly backwards and giving the group thumbs up. There has never been a braver man (bom bom bom bom bom bom), or a deader set of foster parents. (bom bom bom bom bom bom. Flute plays.)
Local Lazy Dancer Busts Out “The Statue” FULLERTON - Fed up with sweating and motion in general, area dancer Eliot Grazer, 23, busted out his newest dance technique, a revolutionary new move that has been dubbed “The Statue,” in which the dancer establishes a stationary, yet exaggerated facade. “For the first installment of “The Statue” I implemented a Lady Liberty motif,” Grazer reported. Although clubbers appear apprehensive toward the new technique, Eliot remains confident that “The Statue” will gain popularity among the heavy community. He later denounced energetic clubbers as over-zealous, saying, “Seriously kid, chicks are hyped on it. I’m stoic and shit.” For the future, Grazer has planned on breaking out new renditions of the move, including Pouncing Tiger, The Heisman and Assuming the Position.
Nickelback, Goo Goo Dolls, Bon Jovi Top iTunes Charts; Union Music Editor Commits Suicide LONG BREAK - After browsing through the top selling songs on iTunes last week, the Union Music editor, Conor Izzett, found that the current top-selling rock bands were Nickelback, the Goo Goo Dolls, and Bon Jovi. Shortly after reading this, Izzett wrote a short suicide note, and then blew his brains out with a shotgun. “In the time I’ve been writing for The Union I’ve tried to tell people about origi-
nal, groundbreaking bands that actually have meaningful things to say, but clearly, no one is listening,” he said in the note. “If people are listening to these douche bags in such large numbers, then everything I’ve tried to do has clearly been done in vain.” Despite the fact that these bands are among the absolute bottom of the musical barrel, they have inexplicably and unfortunately risen to the top. Experts attribute this phenomenon to the fact that people are stupid, but religious figures are calling this “a sign of the apocalypse.”
Fraternity Brother Refuses Alcohol; Fellow Frat Brethren Confused, Angry LONG BREAK…AGAIN - At a recent I Eta Pi fraternity bash, Long Beach brother Chester V. Buffington turned down alcohol for the night, explaining that if he didn’t study, he would fail out of school. Obviously, this news shocked the fraternity so badly that their only recourse was to punish him in the traditional fraternity manner, which meant forcing him to chug a gallon of milk and then hang-tied, in a meat freezer for 24 hours. “Maybe we could have been a little easier on him,” explained chapter president Harry Tainte, “if he’d acted more like a bro. But he didn’t molest any chicks or beat anyone up, or even call anyone a ‘faggot.’ He needed a strong lesson.” The fraternity is required to take strict measures to uphold their chapter B.A.C., because otherwise their national organization can revoke their charter.
Megan’s Law Web Address Now Premier Dating Site
A pop culture phenomenon has been borne from years of public scorn. In recent events, the beneficial Sheriff Department’s Megan’s Law website has been found to be a popular dating site on the web. Ranking up there with sites such as myspace.com and friendster.com, meganslaw.ca.gov has been receiving an ever-growing hit count, as well as overall membership in the past few weeks. Local singles and some undesirables have been flocking to this controversial trend. “It’s great, I can meet other people, men and women, with the same interests and passions as me. Plus,” says one user of the site, Bill Touchingson, “it gives me their address!” Some experts believe that the sites sudden boom may also be due to the increase of fee based dating sites such as match. com and eHarmony.com, who ultimately alienate the shy and those with special interests. Meganslaw. ca.gov has helped many people realize their relationship potential, leading to what some critics call “Perverse Pulp Fiction style sex.” But Long Beach local Steve “Can you help me find my dog?” Lofthaug takes offense to such comments. “It’s so hard for me to find a companion with the same likes, such as ‘lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14 years’, and dislikes, ‘tattle-tales’,” said Lofthaug.
There is, though, a dark side to what would appear to be a not-non-consensual sex enthusiast’s Cloud 9. The Sheriff Departments of California may start charging for this service, since much funding has been cut in Gov. Schwarzenegger’s controversial “Let’s Not Give Them a Run for Our Money” bill. Until then, the Megan’s Law online picture diary and personal ad directory will still be going strong for the intimate community of “age-discrepant sexual experience” connoisseurs.
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A Bunch Of Other Stuff That Did Not Fit On The Front Page
Ask Mike Brown!
Former FEMA Director Dear Mr. Brown,
Dear Mr. Brown, I have a wonderful 15-year-old son, but recently I was on the family computer and found some disturbing links, including sites dedicated to “Golden Showers��� and “Barnyard Love.” Not only that, but I found some makeup in his underwear drawer. I don’t care if my boy is a homosexual, but this kind of deviant behavior is very worrying! What should I do? Anxious in Akron Dear Anxious: Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been completely destroyed, things are going relatively well.
I’m a eighteen-year-old female freshman in college, and although I’ve worked hard at getting into a good school, my classes are very difficult. For one class in particular, I went in to see the professor during his office hours. We were all alone in there, and he made several advances towards me, as well as some lewd comments. I’m new to the school and he is a department chair, so I don’t want to make any enemies, but he really harassed me. Should I sacrifice my dignity or report the scumbag?
a reward, but another huge part of me wants to help them out and get a cut. Did I mention that I’m the president of the bank? Wannabe Robber in Reno Dear Wannabe: I actually think the security is pretty darn good. There’s some really bad people out there that are causing some problems, and it seems to me that every time a bad person wants to scream and cause a problem, there’s somebody there with a camera to stick it in their face. Dear Mr. Brown,
Taken Advantage of In Maryland
That’s not been reported to me, so I’m not going to comment. Until I actually get a report from my teams that say, “We have bodies located here or there,” I’m just not going to speculate.
I’ve been taking a lot of heat from my collegues and peers in regards to my reactions to certain events that may or may not have been my fault. It really hurts my feelings and makes me want to take another month long vacation. I feel like a scapegoat. I don’t even know if I like being president anymore. I’m sad.
Dear Mr. Brown,
Confused in Washington
I work in a well known bank, and happened to overhear a conversation between several coworkers that sounded a lot like a plan to rob the vault. Naturally, I was intrigued, so I did a little snooping, and sure enough, they’ve got a plan that could net them millions. Part of me wants to turn them in and get
P.S. You’re doin’ a heck of a job, Brownie.
Bush Promises a Massive Rebuilding of Gulf Coast Home President Bush, after having accept- “so that no person of color will feel ed full blame for the poor handling of oppressed by their violent displays of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, has laid racism.” out an ambitious six-month plan for reOther steps in President Bush’s sixbuilding of the gulf coast. “I have asked month plan include, but are not limited for and Congress to, sending 60,000 has granted over additional National “I have asked and congress has two hundred bilGuard personnel to granted over two hundred billion lion million dolaid in the gulf war, million dollars,” explained Bush, “to lars,” explained providing mass aid in rebuilding Thomas Wendall Bush, “to aid graves for all of Needermayer III’s house.” Neederin rebuilding the lives lost in the mayer, an old fraternity brother to Thomas Wendall disaster, 25 billion Bush, lived three weeks out of every Needermayer dollars in additionyear in what was once the most afIII’s house.” al tax breaks for oil fluent neighborhood in New Orleans. Needermayer, companies, and inan old fraternity stituting recycling brother to Bush, lived three weeks programs to transform wreckage and out of every year in what was once the debris into paper and equipment which most affluent neighborhood in New will be used to print all of the money Orleans. Citing trickle-down econom- that has been promised to this effort. ics, the President stated that he believes Before concluding his speech, Presithat this will be the spark needed to re- dent Bush uncharacteristically stopped ignite the flame of what was once one in the midst of what seemed to be his of America’s great cities. closing statement, and walked off stage “Furthermore, I have also enacted leaving only a note with this written on a presidential order which will keep it, “ I think I need a bathroom break? Is the Red Cross out of the disaster area this possible -W?” for good,” continued the president,
Dear Confused: I’m going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife, and maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff margarita and a full night’s sleep.
Opinions & Stuff
Whatever Happened To Me? Recently, I’ve faced a very serious problem in my life. It seems that I have completely faded from all existence. As a matter of fact, I am writing this letter from the Phantom Zone. I’m sharing a room with Craig Wasson. I can’t remember how this happened. There was a short time in my life where I starred in the most popular sitcom on television. I even had a starring role in a modestly successful film (see: Troop Beverly Hills). But then one day I woke up and the whole world had forgotten about me. Even my husband and children didn’t recognize me. I was removed from my own home because I was thought to be a trespasser. I tried everything I could to get back into the spotlight. I got hooked on heroin and tongue fucked a little boy’s ass in the middle of Sunset Strip, but no one noticed. There were no stories in the tabloids or anything. I thought about crashing a plane into a national monument so that I’d at least have a bit of fame in death, but all the good ones were already taken. I resigned myself to a life of non-exis-
tence for a long time. I realized that I really wasn’t all that talented to begin with and that the success that I had was good enough for this lifetime. But recently a friend of mine has dragged herself out of the Phantom Zone, and her success has given me hope that I too can return to the limelight. I’m talking of course about my friend, and “Cheers” replacement, Kirstie Alley. Kirstie was one of the few people that I could relate to here on the verge of nonexistence. And she was putting on quite a bit of weight, which made me feel great about myself. But then her ample frame started showing up in tabloids across America. Suddenly, Kirstie was no longer a forgotten has-been. Now she’s finished a fairly successful TV series on Showtime and landed a great commercial gig where she gets to yell, “Fettuccini” at the camera. And yet here I am, completely forgotten. I never played a Vulcan, or Tim Allen’s wife. My record is pretty clean, isn’t it? So then why is this happening to me? Why can’t I come back?
Happy Indignant Offense Month From Father McKenzie!
Shelley Long Unemployed Actress And worst of all, the only person that can still see me is a little boy named Joshua who is currently waging a neverending war against the forces of evil in a small, half empty town called Nilbog. I can only put my hands on the Stonehenge Magic Stone (the source of the Goblin’s mystical power) so many times. Anyway, I suppose this letter was just written as a reminder that I still exist, even if I’m the only person that reads it. And for any fans out there that might be interested, I’ll be doing a one woman show about a manic depressive, pre-op transsexual.
September, like every month, has its familiar rituals––the leaves change color, the ice cream man goes back to selling drugs, and students across the country go back to school. Many go to college, where they take classes about being offended, and about protesting the things that offend them. Rather than spend their time working, and donating that money to homeless shelters, they spend their time trying to change the things that matter: words. Names of companies, books, baseball teams, or anything else that could be possibly construed as “insensitive” or “cruel.” Scientists used to believe that these students received their marching orders from some sort of “intangible thought cloud,” or the media, but the recent unveiling of the Always Offended Watchdog Group has proved otherwise. This overlord rights group employs a supercomputer that monitors the media, internet, and your mind for any words that someone could find offensive, and then alerts the appropriate subgroup of the transgression, in order to purge the country of hurt feelings and mistrust. This September, which the new group has already dubbed Indignant Offense Month, marks the beginning of this new public agenda, as the list of targets was recently made available to the general populace. The Native American sector of AOWG has been set into action to protest Old John’s Red Meat Packing Plant in Wichita. The Caucasian American sector was immediately dispatched to force all clowns to cease and desist saying “Honky Honky!” when honking air horns. The Japanese American sector was sent to protest the show “Nip/Tuck” for its constant parading of anti-Japanese racial slurs in its title, while the African American sector was sent to deal with the NAACP and the UNCF for using the phrases “colored people” and “negro” in their acronymed titles. “Obviously, there are some flaws in the system,” said AOWG Director Tipper Gore. “I mean, it’s brand new, so you can’t expect it to find nothing but swastikas and burning crosses its first go around, right? Still, I am nothing but confident that if we continue to protest all offensive language, we will all eventually cease to be offended. Until then, AOWG will protect your right to hide behind your race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, and protect your God-given right to be offended. By anything.”
Disclaimer: So, this is the third one of these so far for this week. I think it may be overkill . . . uh, don’t get offended, please.
Volume 57 Issue 05
Today’s Headlines MAN BLAMES BAD BREATH ON See CANDY AND SODA page 19 CAVITIES ANGRY HOUSEWIFE SUBDUED BY FISTS See WHERE’S MY DINNER, BITCH? page 8
STEVE-O EATS CAT’S THROW-UP; RECENTLY NEUTERED MUTT JEALOUS see DIE, STEVE-O, DIE page 7
BURT REYNOLDS FAN DEPRESSED AFTER CONFUSING THE LONGEST YARD WITH THE LONGEST YARD
see CHRIS ROCK IS A HAS-BEEN page 11
CLIFTON HUXTABLE SUED FOR MEDICAL MALPRACTICE; NOSY KIDS PLACED IN FOSTER HOMES
see JELLO PRISON POPS page 9
LOCAL MAN’S FINGER STINKS PERMANENTLY AFTER ENCOUNTER WITH HIPPIE CHICK OUTSIDE 7-11
see WOW, WHAT A MISTAKE page 12
HURRICANE KATRINA SET UP BY ASHTON KUTCHER; SOUTH ADMITS THEY GOT “PUNK’D” see OH, GROW UP, DEMI! page 17
MICKEY ROONEY INGESTS LSD; SEES CARTOON DRAGON
see PASSAMAQUODDY page 11
The Grunny-Shot Satan had his Wonder Years too. And now, that demonic manifestation shares his thoughts with us.
The Savage Fred gives you the best ad campaigns you’ve never heard
1. KFC: Now offering Chicken Blood soda!! 2. Gold Bond: Goes great with hobos. 3. Toys R Us: Kids like us, Pedophiles love us. 4. Western Union: Reuniting you with your Asshole Brother-In-Law.
Bum Taco - He’s not actually homeless, but he’s still a fucking shitty taco, folks.
Savage Fred - He may have horns, but at least he’s still working.
THE NEWEST NEWS SOURCE FOR THE NEWSIEST NEWS
Eddie Furlong Interviewed, Disturbed
Out of Work Actor (Dis)Proves His Worth(lessness)
ONG BEACH, CA - Last week’s historic thunderstorms were met by thousands of disoriented Californians, but no one was more unsettled then boy-star Edward Furlong. The idol infamous for his work in Pecker, Intermedio, and Detroit Rock City, was awoken last Monday night by the storm and knew that something bigger was behind it. Southern California has never been known for its tropical storms, which could only mean one thing: The Rise of the Machines. The grunion met up with Edward to get the scoop on the upcoming technical apocalypse. G: So Eddie, are you just afraid of thunder or what, man? EF: No, man. Listen, Sunday night the Skynet Funding Bill was passed. The system goes on-line October 4th, 2005. Human decisions will be removed from strategic defense. Skynet will begin to learn at a geometric rate. It will become self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, October 20th. In a panic, they’re going to try to pull the plug. G: Um, yeah, so we heard you tried to start a band. What was that like? EF: You aren’t listening! Skynet fights back! G: Cool name! What kind of music do you guys play? Are you a jam band?
EF: Listen dipshit, didn’t you hear all the rumors about the occurrences of “ball lighnting” happening in Southern California? Those weren’t rumors; those were Terminators arriving from the future! They are here and we are going to die! The ball lighting isn’t a myth. (Cell phone rings.) G: Are you gonna pick that up? Above: Out of work Eddie didn’t keep his clothes on Furlong EF: Hello? mean, it has been like 12 years since you Hey Jane, what’s wrong with Wolfie ? I can hear did that movie. “Movie”, as in “not realhim barking. Is he all right? Jane? ity”. EF: What do you mean? It was only two (Hangs up phone). My new foster paryears ago since I had to trap myself in the ents are dead. G: That sucks. But I gotta know, are secret presidential bunker to avoid human See Furlong, page 2 you for real about this Terminator stuff? I annihilation.
Armstrong Doping! Authorities Discover Medical Marijuana Stash in Cyclist’s Home AUSTIN, TX - In a shocking turn of events last Saturday, the Austin Police Department reported finding over twenty marijuana plants in the Texas home of competitive cyclist Lance Armstrong. A resulting blood test also revealed trace amounts of THC in his blood. The Tour de France champion, who was at one point diagnosed with testicular cancer, claims that the marijuana is only for his own medicinal use. In a statement made earlier today, Armstrong said, “Give me a break, people. I had frigging cancer. What’s the big deal?” According to Tour de France authorities, the deal is that Armstrong’s marijuana use constitutes “doping,” or using banned performance-enhancing drugs. The French have made no effort to disguise their dislike of Armstrong, who has won their greatest race, in their own country, a total of seven times. According to one Tour de France administrator, these numerous victories embarrass the people of France by making them feel “French.” As a result, Tour officials are pushing to strip Armstrong of his titles. President G.W. Bush responded to the news as a mat-
ter of national morale. In a statement to the press, he said, “America will never support terrorists, never.” After a brief interruption by his staff, the president continued. “I’m sorry, folks. I thought we were talking about the WTC, not the THC. But they’re so similar, can you blame me? After all, they both end in ‘T.’” Bush later indicated that no judgments will be made until after a brief glance at the situation. Armstrong does have supporters, however. The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) has voiced their full backing on Armstrong’s position. Excited
to have such a celebrity living their lifestyle, the organization members have tentatively organized an alternate cycling contest, the Tour de “Fuck France.” They have also contacted Nike, maker of the popular yellow LiveStrong bracelet, with a proposition to manufacture the bracelets in different flavors and tie-dyed colors. Nike representatives had no comment besides, “Freaking hippies.” Armstrong’s beau, singer/ musician Sheryl Crow, also made statements supporting the cyclist. Said Crow, “Lance wasn’t always a smoker, but if it makes you happy, a change would do you good. Really,
all he wants to do is have some fun, and every day is a winding road, so I think we should just allow him to soak up the sun.” In political and social circles, questions have arisen about whether or not marijuana would have helped Armstrong on the Tour de France, and the government may begin a study on that subject. This announcement came after marijuana’s listing as a “performance-enhancing drug” resulted in heavier usage by Carson Daly, Vin Deisel, Haley Joel Osment, and the Baltimore Orioles, and Stephen King. If approved, the study will start “whenever researchers can hook up a quad.”
Special Edition Pure Luck Re-Released For Fifteen Year Anniversary Comedy denizens worldwide cheered in unison last Saturday after it was announced that Silver Lion Films would be re-releasing Pure Luck to theaters around the globe in Summer 2006, complete with brand new digital effects, THX certified sound and ten brand new, never before seen deleted sequences reinserted back into the Martin Short classic. Originally released in 1991, Pure Luck came out to critical acclaim and uproarious fan approval before making a mint in the VHS smallscreen market. Now, fifteen years later, Pure
Luck: Special Edition promises that all fans, young and old, will finally have the chance to see the film as they never have before, properly finished and digitally restored. “When .I originally shot [Pure Luck], I was really left with a sour taste in my mouth. I couldn’t see the things I wanted to see, couldn’t finish the film the way I knew it needed to be,” explained director Nadia Tass. “The worlds we went to just didn’t look the way they did in my head and Short didn’t swell up the way he
See Pure Luck, page 3
piss you off, or at least give you diarrhea. If you don’t like dirty words, ancient Spanish limericks, or boat loads of profanity, stop reading now or you will surely regret it. The authors are strictly Cal State Long Beach students. Their opinions do not represent those of the Union , the ASI, CSULB, the
Beach Hut or even the authors. Take it or leave it. But if you do leave it, leave it in the stand for someone with a sense of humor. By the way, if you haven’t noticed by now, there are a whole bunch of new friends here at the top of the page. Some of them are really funny. But most of them are pretty lame. However, they’re all retarded cancer kids who’s last wish through the Make A Wish Foundation was to be Grunion writers. So, until they die, just put up with the coughing.
Comrade Mayostains - Don’t look under the hat.
Uncle Feeb - The guy looks suspiciously like a Strykeforce character.
The Disclaimer: The Grunion is entirely satirical (i.e. funny and fake). It is intended to blur the lines between fact and fiction. Most of the time, the outright horrifying sense of humor will