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Going backwards alters the past which changes the present, meaning you didn’t go. Going to the future affects something yet to happen meaning the pasts present is altered, also meaning you didn’t go. So even if you do go you haven’t. Either that or you kill your grandfather or marry your grandchild in a parallel universe with a divergent history. This gets awkward and frustrating so best to leave well alone unless you fully comprehend the phenomenon of gravitational time dilation based on velocity in the theory of special relativity. Which you don’t.

Mine is a Native American warrior called Blue Tooth and he's next to useless. He rarely connects and when I do find him, he tells me about some slave or serf from his time who will be reincarnated as another unimportant person in future times. Who cares? I tell him. He just doesn't move in the right circles. My advice is to cosmically resonate with a dead person who is more connected and has a wider network with 5G.

Strictly for amateurs and charlatans, this forecasting method can be a great way to fool the foolish if you simply need some extra cash. However, as serious predictors of world events results are too generalist as the cards deal in archetypes: 'It's generally going to be bad' or ‘there is some war somewhere’ which any idiot can get from the BBC’s excellent 24 hour rolling news service. Not so much a window to the beyond as a cat flap.


Your sixth sense is more active when in a state of sleep as your consciousness is at rest, but to call it a sense is deeply misleading. What it actually does is run around in your dreams like a headless chicken making you tickle your neighbour’s lingerie wearing grandmother one minute, then biro random stock exchange numbers under Donald Trump’s wig the next. If that does turn out to be precognisant of your future then good luck to you.

Prayer does actually work really well. You can ask advice around difficult choices or request to influence the outcome of important medical tests and the messages really do get through. As an omnipresent all-powerful entity God can easily answer every prayer ever whispered to him, but in (non)reality what really happens is that he just lets them form and ever increasing gigantic spiritual pile of mortal hope on his celestial doormat because he just doesn’t give a monkey’s rainbow painted arse about humanity.

Nostradamus is the most famous one as he predicted 9/11, the Kennedy Assassinations, The Moon landings and any number of major world events that people can look back from with hindsight to selectively interpret one of his many hundred obscure ‘quatrains’ from the original old French to fit whatever it is that just happened. Which is what happens so it’s total ballbag. I’m not for prophet.

Mind altering drugs are a great way to wander freely in your own head. However there is rarely any insight into the future beyond ‘getting some snacks’ and also it is not a tool to use often as your brain will turn to a mush of paranoia (which incidentally is not paranoia, you really do release cranial entities who actually are out to get you). So all in all it’s mostly nonsense and comes with risks, but it’s so very pretty, trippy and colourful in there so I recommend you give it a go just for fun.

Mystic Mike is omnipresent but you can interact with him here:

You can use reflective black Obsidian stone or a mirror but I find them off-putting as my future self can’t resist pulling silly faces. Crystal balls are a much better tool. It’s good to have a pair for stereoscopic vision so you can tell how far away future events are, but do be warned, you have to know how to handle them; rub too vigorously with youthful inexperience and psychic variables can cause them to rupture or burst, drenching you in all of the future all at once which, I can tell you, is pretty messy experience.

The Daily Mail is a noble source of future moral or fiscal trends. Prophesies to regurgitate at dinner parties include: “Facebook to release cancer causing superbug”, or how “Obese ‘Jenny’ Foreigner to get NHS gender swap surgery”, or how “EU paedophiles will spark gypsy immigrant swarm”, or how “ISIS hunk vows to behead Pippa Middleton before Ramadan”, or how “Islamic asylum seekers to slave traffic royal children under Burkas”, or how “Banned Myleene Klass wardrobe malfunction pics set to fuel global warming property crash”.

The ultimate way to see the future is to be omnipresent like me so one can simply focus ones physical entity in a certain spot (I chose Crystal Palace obvs), and from there select a time frame according to your whim. So as I sit here in the future being fed 3D printed insect protein objects by my personal cloud of mind controlled Nano robots in my driverless car, all I can advise with certainty for you, is that if you want to know the future the best and most reliable method is to wait.


The Transmitter Issue 40  

A South London Magazine

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