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You like to live as if you have free will but decisions are difficult and tiring to make, so it is good to know that for financial worries, romantic problems, or health issues, it was not chance or bad luck that led you to where you are right now in the toilet reading this. When you interact with the universe (such as when you punch a colleague in the face), data is produced and stored. This is “Big Data”. When you consider a future action (such as fantasizing about head butting your colleague), mystical data is formed, this “Cosmic Data” is gathered by your personal Guardian Angel (GA) and stored in the firmament cloud. Your cosmically qualified trend analyst GA compares fresh data to records of your prescribed fate and destiny to identify anomalies within your future landscape. He (they are all male, heaven is deeply sexist) will then adapt your behaviours to steer you back onto the true path of your default destiny with tools such as luck, peer pressure, kismet, media spin, religious indoctrination, karma or alcohol. All of that may come as no surprise as you reflect on your hum drum existence 54

but here’s the fun part: As your destiny is predetermined and inevitable, with practice and the right tools it is possible to know, or “predict”, what events have been predetermined by higher powers for your personal future. Spiritual Charlatans try to unlock the mysteries of fate but these mere mortals are always doomed to failure (ironically that is their fate). You need a cosmically qualified professional and my credentials speak for themselves (so no need to list them here). It is insurance companies who lead the field and I work closely with the top brands to develop complex psychic algorithms which determine exactly when people will die, so that policies can be tailored to expire literally minutes before hand so not a single premium payment is missed. I can not only show you your destiny, but also how to use future knowledge to steer your life path. In time it is possible even to control others and with years of practice, learn how to influence world and even cosmological events. I personally enjoyed causing Madonna to fall arse over tit at the Brit Awards.

The Transmitter Issue 40  

A South London Magazine

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