GOOD IN GREEN
NOFFICIAL ST. PATRICKS DAY)
It may surprise you, but as my fourth Unofficial approaches, I’m happy to say that I’ve never celebrated it, nor do I plan on it. You’re probably thinking, “She really is a crazy cat lady…what normal college student doesn’t want to participate in a day devoted to drinking?!” In response, I would say that you are right; I am crazy cat lady (please refer back to my “How to tell if you’re a cat lady” article from the last issue of The Spread). I would also say that I’m a pretty normal student at Illinois. I skip classes occasionally, I am semi-poor, I live in the Chicago suburbs and as a senior I am currently taking tap dance.
HOWEVER, I DON’T DRINK. AT LEAST, I DIDN’T DRINK UNTIL I WAS 21. Sure, I tried stuff before I was 21, I didn’t want to be a total noob when I was able to legally order a glass of wine with dinner. But I never “partied,” I never had more than a glass of wine, and I still have yet to be drunk or throw up or black out from drinking too much. And that brings me to my first point as to why I don’t celebrate Unofficial. An excessive amount of drinking is very unappealing to me. Why would I voluntarily give up my fine motor skills, put myself at risk of liver failure, brain damage or having to get my stomach pumped? Why would I give myself a better chance at being placed in a situation that I don’t want to be in, like an unfriendly stranger’s bed or the back of a cop car? Why would I want to spend my hard-earned money on semi-good tasting liquor instead of delicious food? Sure you might say excessive drinking is bad. But you don’t have to drink a lot to participate. Yes, I would reply,
but up until this year, I was still underage, which is why I never drank until I was 21. Because it was illegal. I’m not a goody two-shoes who’s never broken the law (trust me, I’ve sped and jaywalked before), but why would I want to put myself in the situation where I could get in trouble? Logically, it doesn’t make sense to drink until you’re 21 because it can result in fines, community service and other lame things that I can easily avoid. My third reason for not celebrating Unofficial is that
IT WAS A DAY MADE UP BY THE BARS OF CHAMPAIGN TO MAKE MONEY.
They weren’t getting enough business on the real St. Patrick’s Day since it collided with spring break, so they decided to move it up a few weekends so they’d get the business they should be getting on the 17th. As Tobias Funke would say, “Douche chill…” My final point is that there have been too many accidents the first Friday in March, and I don’t want to celebrate a day which has lead to several deaths. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but it is sad. Plus, the day attracts tons of kids from other schools, and it just makes the University of Illinois look bad- both literally and figuratively. So take some time to think over the points I’ve made here. I’m not trying to say I’m better than you for not drinking or that you’re terrible people for wanting to overdrink (my brother thinks this every time we have this conversation) I just want you all to be the smart college people that I know you are. Sober IS sexy.
The Spread features Adam Bouska and the NOH8 Campaign