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Issue No. 28 Summer 2010

Spanner Guide to Summer Employmigration J1 Fun Music Festivals Erasmus

smedias 10th Anniversary

2010

Winners and Photos inside!

Tiger Woods’ Exam Guide In the News

Clegg Club is a TV phenomenon Farmville to introduce CAP app oxygen.ie Government reject Catholicism in favour of Old Gods Banks escape with billions after Ireland “tiger kidnap” ordeal


THE SPANNER

Editorial / Contents

Contents

Editorial

Spanner Guide to the Summer

2

Employmigration Guide

2

Irish Festival Guide

6

J1 Fun

8

ERASMUS Guide

10

Smedias 2010

14

Spanner News

18

Clegg Club: TV Phenomenon

18

Government rejects Catholicism for Old Gods

19

Entire island of Ireland in Tiger Kidnap

20

Farmville to introduce CAP app

21

Voice of the People

22

Tiger Woods Exam Guide

23

Ireland Going Forward

24

Travel Guide

26

Spanner pics and Jokes

28

Editorial enquiries, encouragements and complaints: Eoin Ryan Email: editor@oxygen.ie Advertising: Philip Le Guay Email: phil@oxygen.ie Tel: 01 6471540 Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne Email: colman@oxygen.ie Design & Layout: Sorcha Herlihy sorchaherlihy@gmail.com Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that is not suitable for persons under the age of 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of Oxygen Direct. All rights reserved.

Greetings dear reader, Where does the time go eh? It feels like just yesterday you were crawling out of bed for daytime TV in the Autumn, and now those nasty exams are looming on the horizon. Good job you’ve the lovely Irish summer to look forward to! Oh right, yes, sorry. We forgot. Oh well, at least you can stay in and read this lovely satirical publication during the monsoon season. Put it in the jacks. Keep it there. People will wonder why you’ve started to laugh every time you go to the toilet and recommend you undergo psychiatric evaluation. But what do they know? In honour of all things holiday related, we’ve got a spiffing Spanner’s Guide to Summer this issue, which mostly involves advice on leaving the country, or if you must stay here in Recession land, how to avoid catching cholera at a music festival. Follow our advice on the J1, Erasmus, Employmigration (yes we made it up) and you’ll probably receive no benefit at all. But you’ll almost certainly be more amused. There’s also a review of all the winners at the 10th anniversary Oxygen.ie National Student Media Awards, Spanner pics and jokes, and all the usual satirical news nonsense. For those of you planning adventures out foreign, check out page 26 which is a taster of our brand new revamped travel section on www.oxygen.ie Have a look. You know you want to. I’d like to thank all of our contributors this month, especially our new Smedias colour writers, and remind you that anyone who thinks they can make the funny is welcome to send in a writing sample to editor@oxygen.ie If we publish your stories you’ll get an I.O.U for €20 billion and a puzzled shrug of the shoulders for your trouble. Well it worked for the bankers... Have a great summer, and remember if you can’t be good, be good at running away from the police. Hugs, Eoin Ryan Editor Eternal gratitude to all of our contributors: Eoin Brady, Jennifer Bannon, Derwin Brennan, Lucy Cefai, Snoopy Francois, Jamie Martin, Richeal O’Brien, Myles O’Copy, Tragic O’Hara, Colm Williamson, Pope Benedict, Nick Clegg, Jules Rimet, Maire Geoghan Quinn, Steven Seagal, Your Ma’s face.


THE SPANNER

The Spanner Summer to Guide

The Spanner’s Guide to the summer 2010 Employmigration Guide Even Bill Gates found the recession a struggle

Choices choices choices. School’s out for summer and the world is your possibly tasty but also quite disgusting to eat as you have to swallow them raw shellfish. As you have now been completely brain-numbed by Reality TV and that secret mind control ingredient in cheap Dutch beer, The Spanner has kindly decided to compile your employment and emigration options in one handy Employmigration guide. We even put the words together for you. You’re welcome bitches.

Jobs Have you been in space for the last year? There are no jobs. Please see Dole for further information.

Dole Remember that survey a couple of years ago that said most Irish graduates expected to be on €100,000 a year within five years? Ha ha, that was a good one. Today the average wage for a new graduate is €10,192, which works out to €196 a week, and has been rebranded from ‘salary’ to ‘jobseeker’s benefit’. Despite the unimpressive numbers (worse if you’re under 22 or 25), being on the scratcher as one of them young people is a handy enough number. As long as you’ve avoided acquiring any unnecessary life burdens such as houses, spouses or children that is. To get started you’ll need a form from your college saying you’ve finished there. Don’t be offended when the admin staff fail to cry at your 2

departure, or when the nasty man at the Welfare says you’re not getting anything. Just whisper the magic words ‘Student credits’ and watch his face fall. Next step, if you haven’t done it already is move out of home. The state are understandably reluctant to pay your folks to house you, so get yourself a nice single room in a shitty but charming house. Think dirty carpets but tasteful black and white Tarantino prints in the sitting room. Did someone say rent allowance? Finally, don’t live in Dublin. It’s no coincidence that a vast amount of dole scroungers (aka people from Donegal) have set up camp in Galway. It’s full of naive attractive tourists, cheap rental accommodation and 3 euro pints. What are you waiting for? One last tip, mix up your consumption of easy noodles. Chicken is definitely the best, but even a good thing wears thin after a while. Force yourself


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Spanner Summer Guide

to try the odd mingin flavour like prawn cocktail occasionally, it’ll help to maintain that sense of variety. If the buckfast and ALDI ready meal lifestyle doesn’t tick your boxes however, you can always follow the time tested Irish solution to economic crisis. Piss off somewhere else. These destinations might tickle your fancy.

Australia When have you ever heard the words ‘Australia. Yeah, it’s not that good really.’? That’s right, never. Despite being home to several millions species of fatal beast, a warm climate, varied culture and fun loving people makes Oz a very attractive place to live. Best of all, they’re not the brightest, so even with your UCD arts degree you can feel like an intellectual Skippy never got to grips with the heavyweight. Sigh. fact that his TV career was over You’ll be really smart we mean.

USA America used to be the number one destination for exiled paddys. That was before we realised there were equally attractive options that didn’t contain the same proportion of insane, heavily armed right wing lunatics. Still nice to visit for a holiday, but do you really want to live in a country where your neighbour buys a machine gun because he thinks the President is a secret foreigner and wants to turn Extremabot 3000 - now with the country communist? improved vacant smile. Oh, and Sarah Palin. That is all.

Canada Canada has now emerged as the most popular place for the Irish to head to. Think America with slightly less mentallness, beautiful scenery, more jobs and ever so slightly dull people. Go and see the hockey, pretend it’s hurling on ice. Roar ‘Take off the pads and fight like a real 4

man’ whenever there’s an on-pitch row. Earn the respect of the Canucks.

England Ah for god’s sake, what would you want to live there for? Is that why your great-grandfather sacrificed himself at the GPO? London’s not too bad I suppose. As long as you remember it was built on the blood of the colonies.

Europe France, Germany and the like are all very nice as regards to culture, food and lifestyle. The only problems arise when you decide you’d like to do something other than go to bed after 9pm Moving to the Mediterranean states will ensure your future children dive repeatedly while playing football, while relocating to Eastern Europe will mostly be useful in practising a stern, unsmiling gaze for the passport photos. Grrrr.

They’re an expressive bunch those Eastern Europeans

Asia For some people (pervy men) the desire to move to a country where they are treated submissively as white sex gods is enough to pay the plane ticket itself. You’ll never learn the chopsticks right though. And the little lads will secretly hate you.

South America Those Latin types are all very attractive when they’re shaking their asses on the dancefloor, but slightly less so when they’re waking you up at knifepoint and asking you one last time whether you slept with their sister. But maybe that’s just us. You’ll be grand.

Africa

it takes two to... do that dance thing.

Come on now. Let’s be serious.


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Spanner Summer Guide

Irish Festival Guide This one time, somebody didn’t go to a music festival during the summer. And then they had no friends. Everybody made fun of them, including one of their grannies, who was particularly vitriolic in her criticism. But even once the necessary buying of a festival ticket has been achieved, there are numerous pitfalls to be avoided on the virtuous path to successful music-festival attendance. Eoin Brady’s Festival Guide rests a gentle hand on the shoulder of the would-be festival attendee and steers them gently into port, helping them avoid the jagged rocks of failure and the bothersome hidden sandbanks of excessive mixed metaphors. What to Bring A Portaloo: Convenient, affordable and so much more dignified than being exposed to the fetid stench of commoners. Have Jeeves pop one in the trailer to ensure an eminently comfortable weekend is had by all. Well, you.

Mace: Over the course of the weekend, you will undoubtedly converse with various members of the public. Many of these interactions will consist of one-sided mindless rambling due to the other person having become severely dehydrated or having contracted typhoid. In order to assertively bring these engagements to a satisfactory conclusion, always keep a can of mace close to hand. More than two sentences about how they’ve lost their friends/tent/insulin and then – bam! – right in the eyes. No more babbling. A medieval mace would be equally effective, if not more so. However, it does require a greater degree of upper-body strength.

Two or three pounds of good stewing beef: Over the course of a weekend’s camping, everyone needs to eat. And all they’ll be selling at the festival are nasty, greasy burgers and chips, and warm cans of Fanta. Simply pop your stewing beef in the pressure cooker for two hours, and before you know it, you’ll be the toast of the campsite, with your steaming hot bowls of rich, brown stew. 6

Well you can tell by the way I wear my hat, that I’m a crazy cat well up for craic


Spanner Summer Guide

THE SPANNER

What to Wear

Portaloos. Everyone’s favourite

A floppy polyester tricolour top hat. Now, this is real insider-secret stuff. It’s only going to be the upper crust of the campsites who’ll be rocking these bad boys. If you want people to think “Ho! What a jovial individual! They’re clearly the fun-loving sort. And a proud nationalist, too. What more could I hope for in a companion?”, then promptly make your way to your nearest registered floppypolyester-tricolour-top-hat vender.

Body paint. Now, many column inches have been given to proponents of the view that appropriate festival dressing requires sophisticated layering, thermals, waterproofs, windproofs, Gore-Tex and mittens attached to each other by a line of wool that runs through the sleeves of your coat to stop you losing them. An emerging paradigm – and one that is rapidly gaining credence with body paint with respected specialists in the field (field? Geddit?) – is the body you too can look paint solution. this... eh, cool. yes. Simply paint on a parka, a bikini, motorbike leathers – whatever it is you would feel most comfortable in – and relax for the rest of the weekend, various appendages flapping gaily in the breeze, happy in the knowledge that you are sure to remain warm, comfortable and dry.

How to Get There Happily, both of the major music festivals are taking place within easy walking distance of Dublin city centre. If you’re not coming from Dublin, a quick train ride to Heuston will put you where you need to be. From there, wander in a westward direction for half an hour or so. Flip-flops are perfectly adequate for the short, pleasant stroll.

Where to Stay

The last thing you want to do is invade a tent owned by someone with a poor grasp of grammar

It’s a well-established fact that tents are for prudes and oldies. What could be more tranquil and peaceful than spending the night under a clear, starry sky, with a gentle breeze providing welcome respite from the humidity? Alternatively, an excellent way to break the ice with your future best friends is greet them with a surprise visit to their tent during the night. They will, no doubt, be overjoyed at having their dull, uneventful sleepytime enlivened by their exciting new best friend.

What to Drink Thanks to concerted campaigning by powerful self-interested lobby groups, the hard facts about alcohol have been lost in a haze of misinformation. The honest, hardworking folk of the VFI have been impoverished by having their trade stolen from

them. Popular belief attributes all kinds of societal ills – violence, STIs, cirrhosis of the liver – to alcohol. Among all the scaremongering, it could be easy to forget the facts: alcohol contains countless wonderful vitamins, makes you beautiful and interesting, and is freshly made of organic nectar by quaint bearded dwarves. For these reasons, it should be your first – and only – choice for festival hydration. To do otherwise would be to do an injustice to both yourself and the quaint bearded dwarves. Follow this advice closely – it’s a sure-fire way of having a festival experience that leaves you healthy, popular and, most importantly, unscathed by vitriolic granny criticism.

Warning – Excessive consumption of Alcohol may result in hilarious post festival pictures

7


THE SPANNER

Spanner Summer Guide

J1 Fun So you’ve decided to pack your bags, squeeze thirty students into a two bedroom apartment and live the American dream huh? Well good luck. For you J1 first timers, Jamie Martin has prepared this easy to follow guide of do’s and don’ts. Getting to America can be tricky. There’s the embassy interview, the documentation, the entrance interview, finding a job, finding a house, etc so make sure you pay close attention and listen carefully. Ready? Housing: This can prove more difficult than you would imagine. Try to avoid potential landlords seeing what you actually look like as this can scare them off. The internet is your number one tool as a J1 student. Craigslist is a great website for finding free furniture, housing, and five dollar blowjobs, if you’re that way inclined, that is. Remember also, when a landlord posts an ad saying, “Two bedroom, two bath apartment, No pets, no smoking. Looking for professional, responsible tenants”, what they really mean is, “Two bedroom (will sleep forty seven) two bath (will sleep eighteen) apartment, drink loving Irish types welcome. Bring your mates, stay up late making noise, and be late with the rent. Also, I have a daughter who hasn’t been corrupted yet”. The trick is reading between the lines. In all seriousness though, I would suggest organising accommodation before you arrive. This way you are less likely of ending up in the ghetto. Which I did. If I had one last piece of A typical J1’er house advice to give, it would be always lock the back door. And never stare. Ever. 8


Spanner Summer Guide

THE SPANNER

Jobs: Jobs are tough to find in today’s climate. I blame the recession for my lack of employment. Again, I suggest organising a job before you go out there, but this is not essential. If you score an interview, make sure you carry yourself accordingly and depict an air of professionalism. Show up in shorts and a t-shirt, so as to show your future employer that you are easy going and fun. Don’t bother bringing a CV, or a resume as the yanks call it, you will impress the boss even more if you just wing it. Don’t answer their questions either. This is a trick. They are testing your initiative. Every time they ask you a question reply with, “nice try, but let me ask you a question of my own”. Make sure you ask about sick days, holidays, and the company’s policy on drinking in the workplace. Before you know it you’ll be in the money, Lil Wayne will be your best friend, and you’ll be the king of the state.

You too can live the american dream

Location: Location is everything. You have to decide where you are going to go. Do you want sunny beaches, tall buildings and a great nightlife? Then you want to pick somewhere like Quigley, Idaho which is renowned for its crazy party scene. If you are looking for a relaxed environment where you can take in the fresh air and become one with nature, than I suggest somewhere like New York or Chicago. Make sure you pack hiking boots if you go to Chicago Remember that you are a stranger in this new country. It is your job to make friends or else your summer will be boring. I suggest going up to strangers on the street and introducing yourself. A simple, “Hi I’m Jamie, wanna be friends?” goes down a treat over there. Giving out free hugs on the bus is also a tried and tested method of friend making.

Brittas Bay really gets going in the summer

Safety:

American Birds. Riddled.

I include safety as I feel that it is essential that J1 students know what they are getting themselves into. The cops don’t mess about over in America. Unlike Dublin, where it is perfectly legal to use the street as your public drinking ground/toilet, it is frowned upon stateside. Unless you want to end up locked up with some guy named Bubba breathing down your neck for a whole night, I suggest you behave yourself. I also wish to take this time to talk about safe sex. Irish men are not used to being sexy, so when they go over to America and suddenly find themselves irresistible they tend to fly off the handle a little bit. If you must hump every thing in sight, (and you must) make sure you rubber up. I’m not one for false generalisations and sweeping statements, but American girls are a whole other breed of nastiness. No offence love. If you can’t find a condom, a crisp packet is an acceptable means of protection. If a crisp packet is nowhere to be found, saying the rosary during intercourse should keep you safe. So there it is. I have passed on my shiny pearls of wisdom, happy in the knowledge that you will go out and give ‘em hell. P.S Weed is stronger over there. Be careful.

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THE SPANNER

Spanner Summer Guide

Erasmus Guide Did you know the international student exchange programme Erasmus was short for European Region Action Scheme for the Mobility of University Student? No, we didn’t care either. More suitable acronyms might be H.O.T.B.U.T.D.U.L.L.F.O.R.E.I.G.N.E.R.S or D.O.S.S.Y.E.A.R.A.B.R.O.A.D Richeal O’Brien gives you the lowdown on shipping out foreign. Preparation Long before you ever set foot on foreign soil, it is advisable to do significant research on your destination of choice. This will allow you to become familiar with local attitudes and trends. More importantly, it will allow you to locate any nearby towns or streets with rude names so that you can entertain your friends at home. Within 20 minutes of arriving in Luxembourg, my friend and I already taken photos on Rue Dicks and Rue Bender. Within an hour, we had them on facebook. Any thoughts that I would mature on my stay away from home had that notion firmly banished from their minds when we discovered Rue Fanny LeClerc right by our house. The more determined traveller among you may wish to travel further afield, and seek the town of Fucking in Austria, or even the German mountain, Wank. If you remain in Ireland, due to volcano ash or recession, you may want to keep an eye out for towns Muff, Nobber, and Meanus. Can you tell me how to get to... oh never mind

10

Always make sure to sample the local delicacies

Language Here is your opportunity to practice the language that you’ve spent 7 or 8 years learning. You should find everyone extremely accommodating as you challenge yourself to converse with them on a daily basis. Unless, of course you travel to France or any other French speaking country. Here, even the slightest hint of a mispronunciation, will result in scowling and ridicule. You could walk into a shop which exclusively sells ham and cheese rolls, but if “Je voudrais une baguette avec fromage et jambon” sounds like it is coming from someone from the Irish midlands, you’re in very real danger of going hungry. On the upside, be prepared to become very good at pointing, and speaking......English........ve...ry..... slow.....ly. If all else falls, “Big Mac” is a universal phrase. Just to be sure, take a leaf out of John Travolta’s book and make it “Le Big Mac”.


DAILY BRAIN FOOD

THE IRISH TIMES SOAK IT UP

ON CA MPUS


THE SPANNER Romance

Spanner Summer Guide Erasmus Friends

Oh yes ladies, I know what you’ve been dreamSometimes your University of choice will aring of. I decided I would embrace the continental range for you to meet other Erasmus students. culture, and “take a lover”, better still, I thought I This is another good opportunity to meet people might do a Carla Bruni on it, and take several. from different cultural backgrounds. One would most certainly be called Pierre, and A word of warning from my own personal exhe would say romantic things like “You arrrre, I perience, if there is a Scandinavian girl speaking don’t know ‘ow you say, trés magnifique. Ze most a lot, about cultural differences between Finland beautiful femme in ze worrrrld”. and France/Germany/Luxembourg, avoid this girl at all costs. She will steal your soul. My hopes were dashed when my French friend Jonathon told me that French men don’t like girls You might not mind talking about how good the who drink alcohol, phone signal in Finland is wear flat shoes (ever), (what else would you expect or girls who are from the home of Nokia?!) Foreigners. Better particularly talkative. on your first evening, but five looking than you In other words, Irish months down the line, the girls need not apply! only reason you will want to hear about how many lakes He also thought there are in Finland is so you that a girl who kissed can imagine drowning one or on a first date, was a both of you in one of them. bit of a slut. When I asked him if he My friend told me she was thought that drunkgoing to write a book* when enly rubbing up she went home about her exagainst someone in periences because she finds a nightclub counted it so interesting. If I’m forced as a first date, he to buy a copy, I’ll probably laughed. So did I. I’m not sure why. just go for 10, and pay to be beaten to death with them, rather than actually relive the horrors of the I understand that Irish guys apparently enmost boring conversations I’ve ever had. counter similar differences. You may think that you are working the Colin Farrell angle, but you’re All in all, you’ll have a ball! It’s a wonderful more likely to come across as Shane McGowan, if experience to meet all sorts of folks. You’ll enjoy you’ve had a few too many. pleasant evenings, social drinks, and aperitifs with sophisticated Europeans. You’ll sample fine wines, Best thing for all concerned may be for both of and food. And perhaps, most importantly of all, sexes meet up in “Molly Malones” or “The Black you’ll be safe in the knowledge, that if you’re ever Stuff”, and continue to mate with each other. It tired of having nice, interesting conversations, might not improve our standing as one of the less and you just wanna have a really good laugh, and attractive races (along with Wales, apparently) in perhaps a cheeky shift, an Irish pub will never be Europe, but it should result in the survival of the too far away! Irish species. Hey, it worked for our grandparents! Germans. Mad Craic. *”Very Interesting Cultural Differences I encountered when on Erasmus” by Eliisa Ketola is due for release this month and should be available at all major bookshops.

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THE SPANNER

This year marked the 10th anniversary of Ireland’s premier student event - The Oxygen.ie National Student Media Awards...

The 10th anniversary Oxygen.ie National Student Media Awards took place in the Mansion House on Wednesday April 21, with DCU emerging as the big winners this year and claiming 10 prizes overall. The highlight of the student calendar was attended this year by over 600 students and national media personalities, and hosted by Kathryn Thomas and Dáithí Ó Sé.

Smedias Hosts Dáithí Ó Sé and Kathryn Thomas

The Sponsors

Event organiser and Oxygen. ie MD Colman Byrne said: “We are delighted that the Smedias continue to go from strength to strength. I can honestly say that this year was our biggest and best yet, with a record number of entries received. “It’s heartening to see such support for students from industry professionals, and after a decade of rewarding talent The Oxygen.ie National Student Media Awards are now firmly established as part of the syllabus for aspiring media stars.”

“The current downturn in the economy has made a highly competitive profession even more so. The Smedias is a way for students to make themselves stand out from the crowd.” 14


s a i d e sm 10th Anniversary

2010

Headline award for Journalism relating to Mental Health and Suicide prevention Kate Mc Carroll - Out of Mind - DIT Aungier Street Magazine of the Year Samuel Hamilton, DCU, Flux Short Animation of the Year Sean Mullen, Ballyfermot CFE, The Artists Colour Writer of the Year WINNER: Jamie Martin, UCD, Jamie’s World Sports Photographer of the Year Dáire Brennan, UCD Newspaper of the Year winning team from the University Times, Trinity. (L-R) Mary Kate Collins, Emma Kearney, Eoin McVey(Managing Editor Irish Times and Judge), Robert Donohoe (Editor), Conor Smith (Deputy Editor) and Conor O’Toole.

The Winners Newspaper of the Year Robert Donohoe & Conor Smith, Trinity, The University Times Journalist of the Year Samuel Hamilton, DCU, The College View Journalist of the year - National Press Joanne Hunt, DCU, Irish Independent & Irish Times Editor of the Year Catriona Laverty, UCD, The University Observer Photographer of the Year James Foley, DCU Sports Writer of the Year Stephen Mangan, DCU, The College View Blog of the Year Steven Conlon, DCU, www.tallyman.ie Radio DJ of the year Russell James Alford, DCU, The on-line on DCU fm Society Publication of Year Gareth McGreevy, Queen’s University Belfast, 2009/2010 Students Handbook & Diary Short Story of the Year Dan Sheehan, Trinity, Brother Web Designer of the Year Martin McKenna, Trinity, Lunchblock.ie Small College Publication of the Year Ben Blake, Ballyfermot, The BCFE Bulletin Radio Production - Arts & Features Jennie Breen, DIT Aungier St, The Urban Cowboy

Film Script of the Year Adam Gray, Dun Laoighaire, Spitfire Leiriuchain Teilifise i nGaeilge - Faisnéis & Drámaíocht Danny MacEachmharcaigh, Acadamh na hOllsocilaiochta Gaeilge NUIG, Beans Website of the Year Gareth McGreevy, Queen’s University Belfast, www.qubsu.org RSA Award for Journalism relating to Road Safety Peter Molloy, UCD, Aftermath News Photographer of the Year Linda Mc Nulty, Limerick CFE Layout & Design Brian Herron & Jesse Pinster, DIT Aungier Street Exit Magazine Short Film of the Year Allyn Quigley, Dun Laoighaire, The Christmas Ward TV Production Colm Flynn, Tallaght IT, The Chernobyl Children Features Writer - Arts & Pop Culture Patrick Kavanagh, DCU, Flux Magazine Iriseoireacht trí Ghaeilge (Scríofa) Maria Ní Shíthigh, UCD, University Observer Radio Production - News & Current Affairs DCU Fm Newswire team, DCU Features Writer - News & Politics Stephen Mangan, DCU, The College View Iriseoireacht trí Ghaeilge (Raidió) Jack ÓLeocháin & Eoin ÓMurchú, UCD, Tuairisc Travel Writer Kris Goodbody, UCD, A Cycle to the Cyclades People’s Choice Award Aoife Ni Raghallaigh, University of Limerick, An Focal 15


THE SPANNER

Smedias 2010

The Judges Geraldine Kennedy - Editor, The Irish Times Micheál Ó Meallaigh - Senior Commissioning Editor, TG4 John Walshe - Group Education Editor, Irish Independent Samantha Libreri - Broadcast Reporter, RTE Ruth Scott - 2FM Radio DJ & Host Ian Mallon - Deputy Editor, Evening Herald Eoin McVey - Managing Editor, The Irish Times Niall Stokes - Editor, Hotpress John O’Donovan - Picture Editor, The Irish Exminer Billy Scanlan - Deputy News Editor, The Star Brian Boyd - Journalist, The Irish Times Maeve Quigley - Features Editor, Irish Daily Mirror Graham Cantwell -Tv & Film Director Carl O’Brien - Chief Reporter, The Irish Times Gerry Millar - Editor, Daily Mirror Northern Ireland Cathal Poirtéir - Producer in charge of Irish Language Programs in RTE Phil Mason - Senior Assistant Editor, The Star Mark Condren - PPAI Photographer of the year 2010 Fiona Scally - Head of Programming & Production at Phantom 105.2 Louise Heraghty - Radio Presenter & Broadcaster Brian Farrell - Communication Manager for the RSA Hugh O’Connor- Actor & Director Chris Binchy - Best Selling Author Colman Byrne - Oxygen.ie Brian Gavin- PPAI News photographer of the year 2010 Paul O’Hehir - Chief Sports Writer, Irish Daily Mirror Colm Hanratty - Editor, Hostelworld Chris Carpenter - Irishtimes.com Brid O’Connell - Truvo.ie

Billy Scanlan (L), Deputy News Editor, Irish Daily Star, pictured with Samuel Hamilton, The College View, DCU, Journalist ofcthe Year

16

John Walshe, Irish Independent, pictured with Editor of the Year, Caitriona Laverty, from the UCD University Observer

Ruth Scott of 2fm pictured with Russell James Alford, DCU FM, winner of Radio DJ of the year.


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Spanner News

Spanner News Clegg Club is a TV Phenomenon A new reality TV show has proven a surprise hit with the British viewing public. “Clegg” follows the exploits of an uninspiring, expertly coiffed toff as he tries to corral a group of underwhelming, underperforming and underworked social misfits into sabotaging a parliamentary election. The lead role is played by the eponymous Nick Clegg, a philandering swell who, disillusioned with his hum-drum life in the political wilderness, decides to commandeer the running of the Liberal Democrats; a once popular group that has found itself marginalised and an object of ridicule among its political peers. Drama ensues as Clegg battles to reinstall self-belief in his charges and enact sweeping reforms; encountering resistance to controversial plans such as renaming the party “Clegg Club” and breaking into song every time someone whispers of immigration policy. Initially reluctant, party members soon embrace Clegg’s painfully sincere brand of noncommittal centrist guff when it becomes clear the British public have a collective hard-on for their dewy-eyed saviour. Clegg’s initial successes however, begin to draw the ire of the popular Labour Squad, nicknamed the ‘All Browns’, who have ruled Westminster with an iron fist for over a decade and are reluctant to see their power and success usurped by a bunch of ideologically suspect middle-class no-hopers. Elsewhere, David ‘Dave’ Cameron, who plays the blindly enthusiastic and patently hypocritical leader of the Conservative party, has also been tipped by insiders for a Prime Minister’s award. 18

Cameron has received plaudits for his expert portrayal of a leader who is slightly terrifying in his single-minded belief that he will somehow improve society and the lot of the poor by decimating public expenditure, obliterating social services and consigning the poor to quarry rock on an uninhabited island in the North Sea. The show has also achieved musical success on itunes, with Clegg Club’s rendition of Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ proving particularly popular with non-music fans across the globe. Clegg has confirmed that the group plan future releases, including “Like a political Virgin”, “Defying gravity/ all probability that you will return no more than sixty-odd seats” and a duet of “True Colours” with Dave and Gordon. Asked about his new role, Clegg told our Spanner reporter: “It’s fun, I’m enjoying every minute of it: I get to pretend that I’m not just a randy eurocrat and act like I’m Buckinghamshire’s answer to Barack Obama. Nice tits by the way.” Myles O’Copy


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Government to reject catholicism in favour of The Old Gods The Government has announced it plans to reject Catholicism and …Christianity! Yesterday afternoon Chief Druid Cowen announced his plans for an overhaul of the state religion. The pagan high priest stated: “with Catholicism we were poor and oppressed, then just poor and since the decline of the Celtic tiger we find ourselves poor all over again. “Obviously Catholicism is a boom and bust religion. Fianna Failure are keen to take the action necessary to get the Country moving again. So we have invoked the power of the Ancient Irish Gods and Heroes.” Cowen also stated that “Catholicism had proved divisive in Northern Ireland” and that “Under the watchful and beneficial gaze of Dagda, Lugh and Morrigan the healing can begin”. A Fianna Fail insider commented: “The Catholic Church has really dropped the ball on this kid fucking thing. I mean we are a pretty tolerant people we let the church cow us with superstition, collaborate with foreign rulers and generally make us ashamed of our own bodies but with this kid fucking thing …well they’ve gone too far!” The Self dubbed “Arch Heathen” received strong criticism from Fine Gael’s Enda Kenny: “This kind of nativism is typical of Fianna Fail. We should be looking to Europe for divine authority, Greece in Particular. I mean they’ve a god Zeus who throws

Lightening bolts and shit. I suggest Chief Druid Cowen takes a trip to the cinema and check out ‘Clash of the Titans’ which is way cool”. A spokesman for Labour said the Government should have considered the ‘Awesome Majesty’ of the Sumerian and Mesopotamian Gods. However earlier today Fianna Fail’s Economy minister Brehon Lennihan hit back stating “The opposition should stop looking to European fads and new movies instead look to Classic Gods and Classic films like ‘The Wicker Man’ which is fucking awesome!” “I wish I could lock the opposition up in a wicker man and torch it but anyway may the eye of Balor smite them,” he chuckled. He also unveiled the government plans for Setanta Day, a new feast replacing St.Patricks Day, which will become the major national festival. The Bacchanal will commence with the High Druid ritually sacrificing a hound with a hurley in honour of Cuchulain and will culminate in a drunken orgy on O’Connell Street on the final night of the festival. The Archbishop of Dublin was asked for comment but was unable to respond before he and his fellow clergymen were bungled on to a coffin ship in Dublin Docks. Tragic O’Hara

The Irish Cabinet pictured approving the new religious laws yesterday

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Spanner News

Banks escape with 73bn after Ireland “Tiger kidnap” ordeal European Union authorities are said to be flabbergasted at a “tiger kidnapping” in which the Irish government handed over €73bn to a criminal gang of bankers. The spineless crooks had forced the defenceless politicians to give them the money while holding a vast amount of property and assets hostage. In this bizarre incident, finance minister, Brian Lenihan, was ordered to go to the Central Bank in Dublin city centre. There, apparently unchallenged by other government ministers or financial regulators, he wrote off €73bn worth of bad loans and debts, then drove home for a quick cup of tea and a Marietta biscuit. Tiger kidnappings have become so popular with criminal gangs in recent years that it is understood that the bankers themselves decided it was time for a little role reversal. Unfortunately for Ireland the raid was a huge success. Investigators have claimed that they do not have any suspects, leads or any evidence whatsoever into the crime. “The money had gone before the Gardai were even notified.” stated chief Supt. John Power. “The banksters got in and out so quickly that the politicians could not give descriptions of the culprits involved. It was amazing! All those bankers, and no-one seen a thing.” The ordeal began early last year when a gang of up to 400 bankers, all wearing expensive suits and shoes and brandishing 50 billion Euro in unpaid property loans, burst into government offices and terrorised poor unsuspecting ministers. They ordered them to face the wall and pull their pants down, then after a brief buggering session demanded that the government advise the country to stop spending and start saving immediately. They continued by asking the finance minister to drive to the central bank where it took him just 15 minutes to write off all their bad debts. 20

STOP! NAMA time!

The banksters finished up by ordering thousands of people out of their homes and then continued laughing, all the way to their ungodly home, the bank. Eventually in March 2010, the hostages who had been tied up in the political frenzy, were able to free themselves and make their way to the National Asset Management Agency. They were said to be extremely traumatised but did not suffer serious injury. The finance minister used in the raid was later found burnt out in a nearby office and is still recovering from his ordeal. www.waterfordwhispersnews.com


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Farmville to introduce CAP app In a recent announcement the makers of popular Facebook game Farmville have announced the newest expansion to the game: Common Agricultural Policy Expansion Pack. This expansion is based on the European Union’s highly popular CAP app which has millions of subscribers of its own across Europe. CAP promises to bring the experience of real farming to the average facebook user. John Bryan, President of the Irish Farmers Association, has welcomed the expansion, praising the games new realistic experience “No longer will the average gamer have an idealised view of the easy farm. For the first time they will get a taste of how hard farmers really work, such as having to spending hours fill out subsidy forms in triplicate.” The game will include new items to search for such as Form A-11EU, local council stamps and new adventures like scaling EU Butter Mountain, and swimming in its over-subsidised wine lakes For the first time gamers will also be able to earn money by leaving their in game plot to lie fallow, they now just receive a daily payment from the makers of the game instead of farming. Mr Z. Ygna, the Albanian millionaire owner of the popular farmville game has promised more

phases and reforms to folow the introduction of CAP. Soon players will be able to integrate facebook groups into their games. Cule Chi, a farmville player, told The Spanner he cannot wait until he gets to join all his friends in his own group “I lol’d when the EU gave me money for nothing” in farmville. The groups may even be transferable to Farmville’s more profitable sister project Cityville where they can engage in minitasks, such as blocking the throughfare with tractors, to earn more credits with farmville. Some however are skeptical of the prospects of the CAP expansion. Johnny Chip, a computer programme working for Mr. Z Ygna warns “Farmville users are very suspicious of change. We introduced a trial farm income support for certain items in the game to compensate beta testers temporarily for their time. We tried to change it after it became wasteful and inefficient but farmville users were having none of it, claiming it had become an integral part of farmville gaming and removing it would be an ‘attack on farmville life’. Derwin Brennan

Sign up for your EU sponsored gaming now

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Voice of the People

The Spanner – Voice of the people This month: if the Volcano erupts again, will it ruin your summer? Michael, farmer (55)

Anto, unemployed (19)

Martin, homeless (32)

Bejaysus it wouldn’t. That oul ash is a grand fertiliser for the soil, you’d get savage spuds out of it. The furthest I’m going on me holidays is the plowing championships so I couldn’t give two shites about the airport shutting down. Having said that I’m fierce fond of the oul soy lattes, I’d be a bit put out if you couldn’t get them anymore.

Ah yeh man, it’d be a bit of a wreck da buzz all roigh. Me and de lads are plannin on headin over to Playa Del Ingles in Joowen to do some damage to a few English burds, ya know worra me-an? If dats off though we’ll just head to Oxegen for a few fights and a bit of robbin. Support your own countree and all a dat.

Well personally I’m quite concerned about the potential for an eruption at Katla, the larger sister volcano to Eyjafjallajokull, which has historically erupted shortly after. There’s the potential for untold travel chaos there. Any money for a hostel at all bud?

Ted, shrill accountant (36)

SaraJane, Arts student (23)

Summer would be ruined. I’ve a 3 week trip to Asia booked, that’s non refundable. I’ve been looking forward to riding Thai... I mean seeing the cultural delights of Asia all year. And getting away from the wife of course. Mostly getting away from the wife. She beats me you know.

Oh my gawd, like the volcano is just the worst thing ever. I know so many people who were forced to spend an extra week in five star hotels for free. We’ll be off in the yacht for most of the summer though so any disruption to flights won’t affect us . I hope it doesn’t make the sails all dirty though.

22

Brian, Angry Drunk (35)

I’ll erupt if you ask me any more f*cking questions. I didn’t have my breakfast pint this morning.


Celebrity Advice Column

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The Tiger Woods Exam Survival Guide Hello ladies. Oh and gents too, I guess. Here it is, the ultimate survival guide for students at exam time. I know more than anyone the affects that stress can have on the body when you are in the middle of an important session. You get all sweaty, your body starts to shake and you lose ball control. And then there’s the golf to worry about! Not to fear though, because ol’Tiger has the solutions to your problems The name of the game You want to pass right? Well first things first: Write your name. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Tiger, I always write my name on the exam, that’s obvious!” Is it kids? Well, what I mean is, write your NEW name. Do you think I got to the top by entering competitions under the name, “Eldrick Woods”? Hell no! You have to create a strong, powerful name that will tell the examiner that you are a winner. Try something like “Two dragons fighting on a mountaintop while lightning strikes the peak O’Sullivan” or something like that. Pray for a female corrector also. Once they see that name it’s game over bitches.

Don’t be afraid to cheat Cheating is wrong. If you get caught. If you are

Building up your biceps leaves more room to write cheat notes

slick and quick enough to pull it off, then you are not a cheater. You’re a winner. Never forget that. Try to seduce a female member of staff. The examiner, a lecturer, a tutor, anyone who has access to the questions on that exam. Sweet talk them into your boudoir and boom, you’ll get an A+. You’ll also pass your exam.

Tiger’s golden rule, Plan B If or when you do get caught, find somewhere erotic, er, I mean...exotic, to hide out for a while. Minimize your cheating to one cheat per day while you are laying low, so as not to draw any unwanted attention to yourself. When the heat dies down, re-emerge and take the world by storm. Remember, keep it sexy, keep it smooth! Jamie Martin 23


THE SPANNER

Strategic Planning

Ireland Going Forward Are we on a one-way track to hell or something far worse? Like a place where the All Ireland Talent Show is all thatʼs on TV twenty four hours a day, nine days a week - weʼve had to add the extra days to start paying off the debt built up from Mary Harneyʼs haircuts. All this financial meltdowning has the country destined for ruin and Snoopy Francois gazes into what used to be his crystal ball, but is now a paper cup, to see where it will all end.

Galway After being forced to survive for years on the income generated by stag parties, hen nights and backstreet abortions financed by Bishop Eamon Casey, the Volvo Ocean Race showed the locals where the real money is. Shortly after the yachts left port the local chamber of commerce concoct a scheme to turn Galway into a Las Vegas of the east – or Mosney of the west. With the Atlantic Ocean mainly inhabited by inbred aristocratic adventurers or drug traffickers – both groups of people not short of a few bob – efforts are made to entice these mariners to come ashore. Playing on the natural urges of men whose only sexual outlet for several months has been fuck-

ing an open tin of pears halves, a life-size replica of Georgia Salpa’s gigantic tits is placed on top of Benbaun facing out to sea like a lighthouse with nipples. Well, two lighthouses with nipples. When Ms. Salpa isn’t too busy pricking around Grafton street in her knickers to Georgia Salpa launch the government’s latest ‘Stop - selling something in Objectfying Womher knickers en’ campaign, she takes up residence near you on top of the hill right now to provide the reallife version while the replicas get dejizzed. To advertise the fact that the city not only caters for the heterosexual variety of sex, but also the more hellbound kind a scale model of Brian Dowling’s hole is erected alongside the Great Tits of Clifden. Whenever he’s not too busy, he too offers the real thing to passing seamen. He’s there rather a lot.

Longford

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Longford is now full of dossers - the unemployed and people idle away hours molesting farmyard animals. Yes, the county was largely untouched by the recession, which is more than can be said for the poor animals.

He might be laughing but he’s crying inside


Strategic Planning

Northern Ireland Realising that the main natural resource of the six counties is sectarianism and they’re far more fond of money than the idea of a united Ireland, the main republican parties denounce any claim to Northern Ireland. And Roscommon, Carlow and Sligo for good measure. After suffering similar financial hardship, the Brits aren’t keen to pump any cash into the place either. An Anglo-Irish summit in Eamonn Holmes’ underpants resolves to put the country up for sale on e-bay. Sick of having to traipse across the world for their kids, a collection of wealthy elderly

THE SPANNER

rock star paedophiles club together to create a sex tourist destination closer to home. Derry is the natural fit to be the new nation’s capital and the new government choose to sit in the Maiden City. With the kids sitting on their laps.

Derry you say? I’m there...

Dublin Despite the efforts of Dara O’Briain to convince the Dublin public that alcoholism is your civic duty, the numbers of people willing to pay seven euro a pint for the privilege of being dry humped by an accountant remains surprisingly low. Bars and nightclubs across the city are forced close en masse with the strong demand from both rapists and girls happy enough that rape is their best chance of action

Coppers and cockroaches are the only things hat will survive a nuclear winter leaving Coppers as the only exception. The only two viable businesses in the capital are now head shops and places where you can buy the raw materials to burn down headshops.

Cork Or Lake Cork as it now is thanks to the intervention of the ESB. The floods of 2009 caused serious, emotional and financial hardship to the Leesiders - and hilarity amongst the rest of the country. Irish by birth, dry by the grace of the ESB. Initially there is widespread condemnation of the decision to turn the Rebel County into one giant water park, but when it’s soon realised that the quicklyforming algae have dramatically

The UCC canteen has been extensively remodelled

widened the local gene pool, plans are put in place to extend the scheme to Kerry, Waterford and Limerick. 25


THE SPANNER

Travel

Weird Wide Web

Travel Oxygen.ie has a brand new travel section! For advice and info on city breaks, round the world trips and J1 destinations, check out www.oxygen.ie now. In the meantime, here are a few J1 confessions to give you a taster of what’s on the site.. My funniest J1 memory is not the most savoury of sorts! I was working on a flower farm, with all these massive greenhouses and one day, this really hot girl and I were in one of them alone and we started at it like rabbits. What we forgot is that a greenhouse is all windows, and when we heard loud cries, we looked up to see that a tour group was standing right outside watching the show. I was pretty broke for the rest of the summer after that! Paul, 24, J1 in Miami On a J1 you’ll be surprised how far you’ll go to save a few bob to put towards your weekly bottle of vodka. We robbed everything! Toilet paper, salt, cutlery. One of the girls even went as far as popping into our local twenty four hour shop after a night out to ask if they had any stale donuts! Lucy, 21, J1 to Chicago One night, my friends and I thought it would be a good idea to try and crash a house party in New York. We loaded up on the drink before going and when we got there, we figured it would be grand because we were Irish and the guy that was having the party was Irish too… what we didn’t know was that he was throwing a soiree in his uncle’s Park Avenue apartment and when we arrived roaring our heads off, singing Amhran na Bhfiann, we were met by a lot of shocked and unimpressed faces. Needless to say, we weren’t ask to come back! Tommy, 23, J1 to New York I worked in a golf club for the summer and I took a liking to a guy there. It just so happened that he was 17 and I was almost 21. Totally normal! In my defence, the guys look a LOT older than their age and he was really cute! Unfortunately, he was a little immature and when he finally got around to cheating on his girlfriend with me (hardest score of my life!) he decided to blame me for the whole thing. Six facebook friend requests later, I have accepted it just wasn’t meant to be! Lauren, 22, J1 in Philadelphia A big group of us went to a Cubs game in Wrigley field (home of the cubs). To get into the spirit, my friend painted the Cubs symbol on all our faces. I noticed people were laughing at me but thought it was just because of the face paint. Turns out my symbol read C*nts instead of Cubs! I got her back though and she had to spend the rest of the evening with Ass across her forehead! Ashley, 20, J1 in Chicago 26


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www.oxygen.ie

Spanner Pics

Some of the funniest recent web pics rounded up for your enjoyment

Apparently the teddy bears have a different kind of picnic in mind.

Tiger unveils his autobiography

Facebook. Geddit?

There’s only room for one vampire in this town

Flights resume at Dublin Airport following cancellations

For your daily dose of funny pictures visit www.oxygen.ie or become a fan of ‘The Spanner’ facebook page!

Top 5 - Volcano Jokes What’s the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole? The volcano is still blowing Ash. The Icelandic volcano that disrupted the majority of Europe’s air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as ‘fell asleep on my keyboard’. It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes were spread all over Europe. 28

I don’t want to alarm anyone but since that volcano erupted, I haven’t seen a single dinosaur. Told a volcano joke down the pub last night...The whole place erupted...

For a new joke every day, see www.oxygen.ie or The Spanner Facebook page!


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