Issue No. 29 Spring 2011
Dollars for breakfast
Top 10 Things they don’t teach you in college
Castletown shtyle In the News
Fianna Fail reveals ‘amnesia machine’ election strategy Craic babies on the rise in Ireland Man sues Cosmo magazine after having earlobe nibbled Surfers gather at Tsunami hotspots
Editorial / Contents
Fianna Fail reveals ‘amnesia machine’ election stragegy
Craic babies on the rise in Ireland
Man sues Cosmo magazine after having earlobe nibbled
Surfers gather at tsunami hot spots
Things you don’t learn in college
Love lessons from Hollywood
Voice of the people
The good, the bad and the aural
Hardy Bucks interview
Well, Welcome to the twenty-ninth issue of The Spanner magazine, the best free satirical magazine that’s mostly distributed in colleges in Ireland. * It’s our first issue for 2011 and we’re so full of new year resolve that we’ve made everything 2011% more funny than last year. Fact. Limerick hip-hop legends Rubberbandits leave their horse outside and tell us how eating money is the secret to eternal life, while Castletown’s finesht the Hardybucks explain why they’ve been forced to relocate to Somalia. With the imminent climax of ‘Lie-fest 2011’ or ‘The General Election’, we unveil The Government’s secret electoral strategy, and canvass the mood the of the public, while to mark the annual festival of frustrated attraction and overpriced cardboard known as Valentine’s Day we explore some Love lessons learned from Hollywood. Also among the fun this month is essential life skills guide ‘The Spanner’s Top 10 things you don’t learn in college’, our foolproof formula for a free night out, lookalikeys, comics and more. As if that wasn’t enough, there are Spanner pics and jokes, Xposed pics of college nights out and of course, all the usual satirical news nonsense. (Don’t forget we also have new stories every week on www.oxygen.ie) It’s the ultimate companion to an unexpectedly long trip to the toilet or a bus journey where all of your electronic devices are out of battery. I’d like to thank all of our contributors this month and remind you that anyone who thinks they can make the funny is welcome to send in a writing sample to email@example.com If we publish your stories you’ll get a safe rural seat and a junior ministry that involves a lot of foreign travel. Have a good one, and remember us when you make your fortune out foreign. Inappropriately intimate farewell, Eoin Ryan Editor
Editorial enquiries, encouragements and complaints: Eoin Ryan Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Advertising: Aisling Quigley Email: email@example.com Tel: 01 6471540 Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that is not suitable for persons under the age of 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of Oxygen Direct. All rights reserved.
Deputy Editor Mark Walsh www.walsho.net * = unless there’s another one Eternal gratitude to all of our contributors: Pat Farrell, Erica Mills, Ciara O’Brien, Conor O’Toole, Dan Sherratt, Colm Williamson, Enda Kenny, Fernando Torres, Lar Corbett, Charles Bukowski, Marty Whelan, Twink, Your Da.
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Fianna Fail reveals ‘amnesia machine’ election strategy
Repeat after me. ‘I have no memory of the last 13 years’ Fianna Failure leader Micheal Martin unveiled his party’s election strategy at a press conference in Longford yesterday – a ‘mass political amnesia machine’, which will make the Irish electorate completely forget about 13 and a half continuous years of rule by his party. “It’s not that we don’t trust people to make the right decision,” chuckled Martin nervously. “We’re very proud of everything we’ve accomplished in Government. “It’s just that there’s been a lot of negative bias from the media, people saying Fianna Fail killed the Celtic Tiger, Fianna Fail sold the country to the IMF, Fianna Fail ate my hamster, that sort of thing. “The amnesia machine is all about starting with a clean slate and allowing the election to be won by the party with the best policies. Regardless of how badly they wrecked the place beforehand.” Mr Martin said that he’d already tried the machine on himself, with great success. “It worked marvellously,” he said. “I had to be reminded afterwards that I was leader of Fianna Fail. I was delighted when I found that out. I was less happy when they told me how things had gone recently, and that I’d been in the cabinet the whole way, but sure make the best of it eh?”
Mr Martin said that former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern would switch on the machine, which is based on “the flashing light thingies in Men in Black - only bigger”. “Bertie is doing us the honour of ceremonially erasing the first memories, which is fitting considering he wasn’t always good at remembering details himself – like where he got money from and which currency he lodged in it. “We decided to launch the initiative in Longford as most people are unaware it exists, and those that are familiar with the county wish they weren’t.” Other parties protested against the move, with Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny asking “who the hell would want me as Taoiseach if they didn’t remember how badly the other crowd did?” Labour leader and likely Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore called the amnesia machine “the last desperate act of a dying party” but said that he would ‘certainly have a look at it again to assess its usefulness’ after five years in power. Some commentators suggested use of the machine may in fact lead to a Sinn Fein government, with their history of representing murderers and bank robbers currently seen as a ‘frowny face’ in election polls.
Donâ€™t tell the apples,
But the new recipe pear is growing on us.
Craic babies on the rise in Ireland
Since the first case back in the early 80s - during the last great recession - researchers have been concerned about the development of children born to women who liked to have the bit of craic during their pregnancy. The first recorded ‘craic baby’ was born in county Waterford in June 1980. Researchers at the time focused on the potential negative impacts of ‘having the craic’ while carrying an unborn child. However, as they accumulated more information, many concluded that babies who were born into this were 20 times I get these weird cravings when I’m pregnant... more likely to have some craic in later life. By 1985, the craic baby epidemic had swept across the Irish posed children and their parents from birth until the nation, leaving thousands of children strung out and child turned 18. By that age, 164 of the craic-exposed wanting more from their lives. It wasn’t until the early to children just went out on the piss every night with their mid 90s that it became obvious that their craic loving friends while 36 were either dead or in a mental institumothers had drastically affected their lives forever. tion. A massive 198 non-exposed children out of the 200 spent most of their free time studying. 78% of them Experts predicted that craic babies would suffer from wanted to work as a secondary school teacher, 10% severe, irreversible damage, including a propensity to wanted to work in accountancy and the remaining 12% use drugs and alcohol as a source of nutrition. They wanted a career in the Navy.” were right. Suddenly raves and illegal after-hour parties became common place in Ireland’s towns and villages These results suggest that many of the negative and a new meaning to the word ‘session’ was slowly outcomes observed in ‘children born of the craic’ may seeping into the veins of our already tainted nation. result from their parents’ tendency to go out and have a good time during pregnancy. “It was mayhem! Sure everyone started having the craic! No one realised (or cared for that matter) what “With this new period of recession, we can be sure to they were doing to themselves or each other. The craic see this trend repeat itself,” concluded Dr. Ryan. “It will was mighty altogether.” said researcher Dr. Kevin Ryan be just like the eighties all over again, but only this time, of the government-sponsored Craic Research Team, the craic will be 90... or naughty, or whatever the hell based in Trinity college Dublin. they call this decade.” “We followed 200 craic-exposed and 200 non-exwww.waterfordwhispersnews.com 4
Man sues Cosmo magazine after having earlobe nibbled A young Irishman, Mr. Brendan B. Gunne, 22, has launched a claim for damages against Cosmopolitan magazine after experiencing what his legal team claim was ‘a horrific act of attempted foreplay’. According to court papers seen by The Spanner, the alleged outrage occurred last Thursday night, after a festive bout of buckfast and streaking around the local park. Mr. Gunne was alone in his bedroom with his girlfriend of one month, Ms. Annie Chance, 20, when Ms. Chance apparently attempted to perform a highly offensive and inappropriate act. “We were going for it big style like,” stated Mr. Gunne. “I was wearing the face off her and I was as horny as a rabbit with ten mickeys, cause we hadn’t done a ting since she caught me up to the elbow in her mate Jenny the week before.” “I was just about to drop the hand like, happy days, when she goes to me ‘hang Nom nom nom on a second baby I want to try something.’ I goes ‘yeah cool’ thinking Jenny was about to hop out from under the bedroom for an oul threesome like you see on youporn you know?” “But then she starts biting me ear and trying to finger 6
my barse, you know the bit between your balls and your arse. Well I had clearly had no choice but to knock her out.” “This is a clear case of a young woman being maliciously given incorrect information and guidance,” said Mr. Gunne’s barrister, Mr. David Stille-Loaded. “As a result of which my client has suffered severe physical and mental trauma. “For years now, Cosmo has been misleading ladies and filling them full of nonsense with 100 ways to drive your man wild and 50 ways to make him the world’s best lover etc. Let’s face it, nice and all as some of that may be, there’s only one erogenous zone on a man and it isn’t his earlobe.” A tearful Ms. Chance, who is countersuing for assault and severe male insensitivity, told The Spanner: “I was only trying to spice things up with Brendan. I’d heard of foreplay from Sex and the City and Cosmo and thought it might be nice to try it for once. I realise now I was wrong. I should have ignored my own desires and been the subservient cum bucket he so clearly desires. Now he’s with Jenny and she’s welcome to him the slapper.”
Surfers gather at tsunami hot spots
Chuck Waxington and ‘friends’ rocking the beach in Sumatra. Gnarly! Surfing enthusiasts from across the globe are setting up communes in south-east Asia as they prepare to “catch the wave of a lifetime”. Aqua-revellers, mainly from Australia and California, are migrating in their droves to the Andaman Sea side of Thailand and to Sumatra, Indonesia in the hope they can ‘ride’ the first big tsunami since the 2004 disaster from sea to shore. One such surfer, Chuck Waxington, of no fixed abode, San Diego, California, was asked by reporters in Malaysia if he thought surfing a tsunami was a bit extreme. Mr Waxington replied: “Extreme? Totally, to the max dude. You (the reporter) should join us, you, like, totally get us and what we’re about man.” Butch Allman from Summery Cove, New South Wales, when quizzed further about the dangers of going out to sea in similar conditions to those which killed 230,000 people at Christmas in 2004, responded by paying tribute to friends of his who are now 60 per cent salt water and freckles. “Danger is our thing mate,” Mr Allman said. “The more epic the bomb (large wave) - the more bonzer (enjoyable)for us. Two of my good mates are in hospital with broken bones cos the bloody idiots hung too close to the coral, but soon as they get out, Noah and Jonah
are catching the next plane to Sri Lanka!” With tourism levels still down on certain stretches of the Indonesian coastline, leaders of the much-misinterpreted organisation ‘Tsunami Hope 2012’ believe that the setting up of camps filled with bleary eyed, blondhaired white people will help encourage westerners to holiday in their millions in the troubled region. “We’re bringing sexy back to these places,” said San Franciscan and chief organiser Brad Todd. “The sight of all us buff dudes and our beach bunnies will get the rest of the world back on the Indo-China surfboard.” The group has substantial funding set aside if, or indeed when, as Mr Todd is quick to point out, the tsunami reoccurs. Once the early warning systems detect a tsunami building out in the Indian Ocean, ‘Tsunami Hope 2012’ will scramble five or more rental helicopters containing at least 20 surfers and bring them out to sea to search for the optimum ‘drop point’. The rest, it is understood, will take their chances by racing speed boats towards the giant wave. ‘It’s going to be awesome,” insists Mr Todd. “Once we hear the alarm we’ll be out there and ready to ride that baby all the way to the Maldives! It’s going to be the wave of a lifetime.” Pat Farrell 7
Spanner Top 10
Things you don’t learn in college Great and all though being an idle daytime TV watcher/alcoholic is, that’s not really why you’re supposed to be in College is it? Remember all those lies you told your parents about wanting to learn stuff? But then you realised that knowing the chemical composition of DNA or how many lines are in a sonnet wasn’t going to do you much good in everyday life. Fear not students of Ireland, The Spanner is here to help with some REAL knowledge. Presenting our Top 10 things they don’t teach you in college. 10. How to converse with someone you can’t understand
Lots of people can’t talk properly. This could be because they come from a country where they’re too rude to speak English. Or Donegal. It could also be because they’re old and too weak to operate their vocal chords properly. Whatever the reason, it’s handy enough to pretend you can make out what they’re saying. Simply nod and say words like “yeah” “sure” and “oh really?”. Keep an ear out for intonation, in case you get asked a question. If you think this has happened, you’re safe enough with “Ah, I don’t know about that now” or “Yeah, we’ll see I suppose”.
9. How to be annoying on Facebook
Oh you had some toast? Wow, thanks for sharing... 8
Take pictures of everything - nights out, lunch with friends, your breakfast, that mess you made in the toilet – everything. ‘Like’ everything that’s going – including all those annoying groups about Mass that popped up recently. Do status updates before you go out, discussing how mad it’s going to be. The following morning tell the world just how mental it all was, and how hungover you are.
8. Avoiding boring social engagements
Ever been roped into attending a social event you really didn’t want to? If the answer is yes then it’s more than likely that it’s because you made the fatal mistake of not saying no straight away. Telling your mate ‘Yeah, I might go to your dog’s birthday party’ just to get them off your back only makes it inevitable that they’ll guilt you into it later, or be really pissed off if you don’t go. Instead, respond positively and say: “Wow. Deadly. I’d love to go!”. Then pause for a few seconds, look pensive and disappointedly say “Ah shit I forgot I (have that essay due / have to visit my dying Japanese karate mentor / promised my mam I’d meet my real dad) that night.” Sorted.
7. How to carry three pints in a crowded bar without spilling them
Seth Rogen’s better looking cousin demonstrates the 3 pint method
This is a conundrum which has outfoxed even the canniest of drinkers. You could follow the Hardy Bucks method and just skull one back at the bar but we prefer wrapping our
hands around them with our fingers spread out in a triangle formation, clasping one against our chest with the tension from the exterior pints. Make sure your elbows are fully extended so that drunk fools will bounce off you and repeat ‘Sorry now’ every five seconds as you make your back to the table. This works better if you have big hands and don’t mind taking a sip out of each point to reduce spillage. If you have little girly hands you shouldn’t be drinking pints anyway but if you’re a bit of a ledge you could even try four.
6. How to steal a newspaper
The decline in newspaper readership is one of the unfortunate outcomes of the digital age . Of course, it’s not your fault one costs the price of a can. Do your bit for literacy by walking up to the counter of the shop with your paper of choice under your arm. (We like the Daily Sport, you know for the sport.) Buy something else and wait for them to ask “Is that your paper?”. They probably won’t, the trusting fools! If they do, say “What, you mean you didn’t take for it already.” You almost certainly won’t go to jail. Well maybe for a little while. A nice friendly one. Like in Porridge.
5. Looking at cleavage
4. How to skip work
Confucius was talking out of his arse, work is the curse of the drinking classes, not the means to fulfilment. Thank god for the dole but if you are unfortunate enough to have a job and need an unscheduled day off, try this. Step 1 – Get your sister to ring your job and say your dad just fell off a ladder. He’s really sick and she needs to Careful now contact you so you can go to the hospital. Step 2 – Ring them yourself 20 minutes later and say, “I’ve had some really bad news...” You shouldn’t even have to finish the sentence...
3. Indirectly patronising people
Sometimes people need to be taken down a peg or two, but discreetly so. This can be done by simply pretending to forget someone’s name. The longer you have known the person, the more patronising it is. Similarly, cut across them right at the crucial point of whatever they’re saying. Patronised.
2. Avoiding the homeless
You’re walking along happily, and suddenly your day is ruined by the depressing sight of a homeless person. Don’t fret. Simply keep your head down, your earphones in, and your spare change firmly at the bottom of your pocket. If you don’t look at them or hear them, they don’t exist. Keep Just keep looking down walking and it’ll all be over soon. Bewbs Breast cleavage is a wonderful thing, and it’s there to be observed and appreciated. But how to do this without being branded a pervert? Easy. The best way is to incorporate the cleavage glance into a sweeping look in a direction. For example, pretend you are looking down at your shoes to check if your laces are open. On the way down, if you happen to eye up a bit of tit, what harm? Necklaces are your friend too. Pretend to admire her necklace when really you’re checking out the mammaries. Mmm... mammaries.
1. How to pull
Buy a Sat Nav. Set your destination as 53 Degrees 20’ 03.83 N : 06 Ladies and gentlemen, Degrees 15’ 46.68 start your engines! W. You’re now across the road from Coppers. If you can’t do the next bit on your own you’re beyond help. Mark Walsh & Eoin Ryan 9
Love lessons from Hollywood We all know how it goes. Boy meets girl, boy and girl get pissed together a lot, boy and girl are now boyfriend and girlfriend. Flash-forward a few years and boy and girl are shopping for flatpack furniture in Ikea, planning a sackload of kids and praying that they have mutually eroded each other’s self-esteem enough to want to get married. The end. These things are generally very easy - unless you’re a Hollywood scriptwriter that is. Then things become ridiculously complicated… that is until around the 90-minute mark when all those silly problems are very nicely tied up indeed. In honour of Valentine’s Day, Erica Mills looks at the valuable lessons that can be learned from romantic movies. Women are essentially prostitutes
I’m looking at you here, Pretty Woman. For all those fortunate enough to never have been forced to sit through the horror that is Richard “the Hamster” Gere and Julia “Big Teeth” Roberts bumping uglies, here’s the basic rundown: annoying yuppie has big important job, one that is too important for said yuppie to maintain a relationship. So he (Richard) decides that the most logical thing to do is to hire a prostitute. Enter Julia, the Julia Roberts cleanest, most drugliving the dream free prostitute to ever stalk the streets of LA. She’s not your average crack-ho either; she has dreams, or something. Anyway, that’s not important. What’s important is that they fall in love. This prompts Richard to decide that he’ll be her knight in shining Armani and that he has enough money to support her and a burgeoning rodent fetish. Julia, complete with 10
transformative makeover (see tip no.3), no longer has to dream of keeping herself in johns to pay the bills and buy nice clothes—now she has just the one john to do it for her. And as the Bangles play the movie out, the hapless audience apparently forgets that Julia has just exchanged one form of prostitution for another. It is okay to change everything about yourself to get a date. Does that girl in gym class keep rebuffing you? Has that guy you want had the restraining order bumped up to 200feet? Don’t fret! Don’t give yourselves nasty worry lines, wondering how to change their minds, just change everything about yourself instead! The answer is so simple it’s been staring you right in your nerdy face. You’re so plain, but if you Get a makeover, could just lose the nerdy you geek! Maybe glasses... if you weren’t so
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nerdy, your Mom would quit drinking, Dad wouldn’t have left you and you’d have a relationship that didn’t involve a poodle named Trixibelle and a jar of peanut butter. So says Grease, Grease 2, Miss Congeniality and She’s All That. You see, the problem is not them - it’s you, you big dog-bothering weirdo. Your feelings are not as important as making her happy. Step forward, He’s Just Not That Into You. In the penultimate scene, Ben Affleck discovers that, while he may have thought he didn’t want to get married, he’s wrong. Dead wrong. Because what sort of puppy-kicking, unromantic, orphanage-burning sadist wouldn’t want to get married? That’s right, Ben Affleck. You, you sick fuck. So what if you think marriage is a superficial, overcommercialised, archaic load of crap? Jennifer Aniston doesn’t, Ben Affleck - ‘Actor’ and if you setting aside the morals and principles that are important to you will make her happy, then by gosh, that is what you should do. We swear she’ll respect you for it and that you definitely won’t grow to resent her for the rest of the looong years ahead of you in marriage. Someone will always try to get in the way of your true love. Romance is full of obstacles, such as who makes the first move? When do we kiss? When is the best time to introduce her to my life-size teddy-bear collection? And after you have negotiated those little emotional quagmires, there’s more. You then have to deal with some evil asshole who could be the difference between you finding the love of your life and you dying alone in the foetal position. Whether it be a mother-in-law, or ex- or current girlfriend or boyfriend, let nothing in your way. And I mean, nothing. You can take those trouble makers down with some good old fashioned ingenuity and 12
pig-headedness. And while the above might earn you a stay in prison or a “special” hospital in real life, in movie world, it’ll win you the love of your life. At least according to Monster In Law, The Wedding Crashers, My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Singer and others. Although, come to think of it, “wedding” would appear to be a common theme. Are you listening Ben Affleck? Love is all-consuming. For all their faults, there have been some decent and funny romantic movies. When Harry Met Sally had jokes. 500 Days of Summer unexpectedly challenged the rom-com formula. Sleepless in Seattle had… um… Meg Ryan? Yeah, I got nothing on that one. Anyway, the point is, every so often, a romantic movie comes along that almost makes you hanker for the cheesy, career-in-the-toilet disappointment that is You’ve Got Mail (for Tom Hanks, I mean. Did Meg’s ever get out of it?) And that movie is now, and forever shall be, Twilight. For those of you lucky enough to have been buried under a rock-slide in the Appalachians for the last five years, Twilight is what happens when you take the awesomeness of vampires and werewolves and market it to hormonal fourteen year old girls. Along with sparkling, vegetarian vampires and the worst werewolves ever filmed, this film is all about Mary Sue fantasies of a grown woman, who really should know better. So emo, sorry, all consuming is this love, that it causes the characters to turn off their “what the fudge” meters and accept co-dependent relationship behaviours and the downright creepy. But at least we can console ourselves with the fact that nobody’s buying it except for impressionable, but ultimately misguided, teenage girls. Oh wait… I fear for the kids.
Won’t somebody please think of the children
Some of the funniest recent web pics rounded up for your enjoyment
Say hello to my little... audio/ visual cable
Mary Harney cancels Christmas
May the lord be with you
Robocop after a few years at a desk job in Garda HQ
Convenient placement of babyrelated products
The Cliffs of Moher, The Burren, The Naked Fat Man Fighting a Garda Visit Ireland
Drowning - it’s a laugh
An innappropriate sound effect
For your daily dose of funny pictures visit www.oxygen.ie or become a fan of ‘The Spanner’
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See more Xposed pics on www.oxygen .ie 17
The Spanner Interview Rubberbandits It was the horse outside that told us we’d located the Rubberbandits. Following their (almost) No 1 single, and fresh from stealing the show on Republic of Telly, Limerick’s hip-hop superstars are harder to track down than a virgin in Coppers. Hot on the trail of dirty rap secrets, we traced Blindboy Boat Club and Mr Chrome all the way to an abandoned IRA plastic bag dump, where they agreed to answer our questions in return for some milk for their bowl of breakfast dollars. The Spanner: Are ye so loaded now ye can afford to eat money? Rubberbandits: We have loads of money, but no time on our hands to eat. So we just eat money. We call it capitalist lettuce and high five each other with every bite. S: Aren’t you worried about catching germs? R: No, Money has so many germs that you end up becoming immune to all of them and living forever like your man Cuchulainn. S: Is it not a bit of a hip hop cliché to be splashing the cash? R: We’ve never seen Ice T eat a fiver. S: Where did ye get the oversize runners? R: Letterkenny. S: Things have changed a lot since we last spoke to you lads, a hit single, millions of youtube views, appearances on the Late Late show. Has fame changed ye? R: Fame has changed us in the same way that a bad mother would change a nappy. With a scowl on her face and a fag hanging out of her mouth as the ashes fall in slow motion and burn our pre-pubescent willies . S: Do you still live in the clock in O’Connell Street (Limerick) or have you got a penthouse over Thomond Park? R: We don’t live in a clock tower now, We live in an 8 man tent on the roof of RTE. S: Do you have a horse outside right now? Considering 18
the current low street price of ecstasy and 20 years of missed compound interest, was swapping a bag of yokes for him in 1992 a clever investment? R: Yokes back then were made out the ground up minds of philosophers, nowadays they are made out of MDMA (Michael Douglas’s mother’s arms). His Ma’s arms wouldn’t know philosophy if you shaved them with a knife. S: What are your top horse training tips? R: If you want to train a horse, then steer well clear of its nest and don’t go near the eggs or the mother horse will die of a broken heart and her feathers will fall out. S: Can you get us into the RA? R: If ye’re willing to push start Marty Whelan’s car across all the provinces of a united Ireland then yes. S: How does Willie O’DJ feel about his reelection chances? R: He doesn’t care about elections these days. We got him a book about Norman castles and now that’s all he talks about. He’s more likely to try and build a siege engine to break into the Dáil. S: What about running for election yourselves? You could cut the plastic bag tax. What would ye change if ye were in charge? R: Loads of Nappies.
Rubberbandits signature giant runners on sale in all good stores now
Rubberbandits S: Any romantic plans for Valentines Day? R: We are taking girls on tours of romantic toilets. S: Any endorsement deal plans for the plastic bags? R: Who are the plastic bags? They sound like a post punk band. Are they any good? S: Can ye recommend where to go out in Limerick? Any spots where you’re guaranteed too many gee? R: Underneath sarsfield bridge. S: How’s Anthony’s eye? R: His eye is currently learning how to fly a hot air balloon over knock shrine. S: How did things end with Roisin? R: Beautifully. S: Which brand of glue do you recommend? R: Pritt Stick. S: Any chance of that bridesmaid’s phone number? R: 087 456798 S: What’s next for Rubberbandits? R: Dancing Diarmuid and the craptones. S: Would you go up against Jedward for the Eurovision slot? R: We’d rather make a giant art attack style snail in a field than do the Eurovision. Jedward can go eat a bowl of hot dicks. S: Tell us a joke. R: Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo. Yurt. S: Jennifer Maguire. Would you? R: I have, loads of times. In various romantic toilets. S: Dermot Whelan. Would you? R: Ah for the laugh ya. He’s a gas cunt. S: In a royal rumble of Irish comedians, who would win? (No steel chair attacks allowed). R: Tommy Tiernan looks like he’s well capable of taking a bite out of a man’s adams apple. 20
S: Can you explain, to our foreign readers, the significance of Marty Whelan? R: Marty Whelan is what the sound of a fortnight smells like. S: Following your appearance on Liveline do you have a message for Joe Duffy and his listeners? R: Cop on to yourselves. www.therubberbandits.com Photos: Brian Daly Assistant: Veronica Dick (veronicadick.com) Location: www.iop.ie The Rubberbandits new single and video will be out at the end of February. The lads are currently on a 64-date tour across Ireland, the UK and the US, and they’re visiting everywhere from “Monaghan to Newry, Dublin to Belfast, Cork to Tullamore, Carrick on Shannon to Edinburgh to New York and every point in between.” To find your upcoming Irish show see below: 15/02 - UCC Students Cork 16/02 - LSAD Limerick 18/02 - Ink Letterkenny 18/02 - The Strand Derry 19/02 - Tri-Pod Dublin 20/02 - The Pavillion Cork Early Show 20/02 - The Pavillion Cork Late Show
21/02 - GMIT Galway 22/02 - Karma Athlone 24/02 - The Palace Tullamore 25/02 - The Palace Navan 26/02 - Mexx Monaghan 28/02 - The Hub DCU Dublin
Ireland’s No 1 student website Oxygen.ie is giving away five pairs of tickets to Rubberbandits’ show at Tri-Pod in Dublin on February 19. To be in with a chance of winning, log on to www.oxygen.ie and enter the competition in our ‘free stuff’ section, where you’ll also find loads of other gig tickets, DVDs and CDs up for grabs.
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Voice of the People
The Spanner – Voice of the people This month: who would you like to see win the election? Michael 49, farmer
It might surprise you but I’m voting for Fianna Fail. I’d like to see them get at least one vote. The main reason is that I’m a small farmer now, mostly thanks to them. I used to be a big farmer and vote Fine Gael but look how far that got me!
Paul, 36, shrill accountant
Anto, 20, unemployed
I’d like to see myself win. I’m running as an Independent in Dublin South for the ‘Issue that affects me more than anyone else alliance.’ I personally would like to see taxrebates for receding hairlines and subsidies to repair key-scratched BMW doors. Yes we can.
Whoever you want man. For 50 quid me and all me mates will vote for whoever and use the otherses posters for roach material. Need any hash bud?
Sarah Jane, 23 Arts student Martin 38, homeless
Oh my god, like all the politics and that, it’s so exciting isn’t it? I’m not really sure, I’ll probably vote for Obama - it’d be sooooo cool to have a black Taoiseach. And then people might stop like taking the piss out of me for sounding like I’m American?
That’s quite the conundrum. Obviously the incumbents Fianna Fail and The Greens have slumped in the polls following the recession but I’m not really sure if Fine Gael’s vague centre-right agenda or Labour’s champagne socialism appeal. If you ask me what we really need is a fundamental redrawing of Irish politics, moving away from Civil War era divisons to a policy and ideas based discourse.
Brian 32, pervert
Election. What election? Never mind that, have a look at this...
They’ve got some sort of problem... ...and they’re almost certainly going to solve it before the end of this film.
TRIPE THAT BLOKE FROM
KING OF QUEENS A BLACK
AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE WHO WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH
ONE OF THE ABOVE A CUTE ANIMAL OF SOME KIND. PROBABLY
A CAT OR SOMETHING
“I’M GIVING A POSITIVE REVIEW BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PAID TO DO SO”
The good, the bad and the aural Oxygen.ie arts editor Ciara O’Brien gives her verdict on which movies are worth going to see in 2011, some guilty cinematic pleasures, and a couple of groups to keep an ear out for this year.
The Good 2011 already looks set to be the year of the comic book capers and 3D graphics. Because we’re so good to you here at The Spanner, we’ve given you a mustsee for each season this year, and we’re fairly certain that there’ll be something to please every cinema buff. Spring: Sucker Punch - Released 1st April 2011. Sucker Punch is described by creator Zack Snyder as being “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns” and what’s not to like about that? We follow an institutionalised young girl who escapes into fantasy in order to escape the pain of her life. Sucker Punch blurs the line between reality and fantasy and leaves the viewer torn between the two. Summer The Hangover Part II – 27th May 2011 With the alka-seltzer settled on their hangover, our anti-heroes travel to Bangkok for Stu’s wedding. On paper, this would seem an American Pie style franchising disaster, but with the original cast lined up to reignite their hilarious screen chemistry and a cast of guest stars that can only raise a chuckle The Hangover Part II might just win the coveted comedy title of ‘this year’s The Hangover’. Autumn: Super 8 – 19th August 2011. J.J Abrams is the master of the teaser trailer as his Super 8 teaser gives little away. He has also proven himself to be adept at leading his viewers up the garden path so where this movie will bring us remains to be seen. The one thing we know for sure is that it will be an action-packed and exciting ride that will ensure that we don’t lament the end of the summer movie season.
Winter: The Thing – 14th October 2011 Fans of John Carpenter’s 1982 classic horror were torn between squeals and groans when it was announced that there was to be a prequel to their beloved movie. Set on the Alaskan base which discovered the alien craft that caused the head-splitting trouble, this will tie up some loose ends. It’s an unnecessary addition, but an enjoyable one although it lacks the silly special effects which makes the first so enjoyable.
The Bad We’re ashamed to admit it, but we all enjoy the guilty pleasure of a movie so bad that we’re cringing over our popcorn. Whether you’re in the mood for trash, or you just fancy throwing caution to the wind and disobeying the critics, we’ve compiled a shortlist of movies that are promising to be so bad, they’re almost good in 2011. Rubber Have you ever worried that somewhere, somehow, there is a rogue tyre hunting you down with intent to kill? No? Me neither, but it turns out there may well be. Rubber is a film that is self-aware, and takes silly horror to new levels. It could have been terrible, but black comedy ensures that sides will truly split, hopefully not by Robert the tyre. Bleak, darkly funny and wonderful overall. Hobo With a Shotgun Whilst the title may sound like a lame YouTube video enforced on you by that one person we all know who seems to have only discovered the site, this film is another self-aware gem of a bad movie which will be shocking Sundance with its comic bookstyle gory debut this year. If anyone can pull this movie off, it’s Rutger Hauer.
The Aural We all know what international artists the radio stations are tipping for the top this year, so it’s easy to forget that 2010 was one of the most prolific and exciting years for Irish music. Here are a couple of Irish artists who will be winning you over this year. Villagers Following last year’s debut release Becoming a Jackal, folk-pop artist Conor O’Brien sparked a great deal of notice in Villagers. The record is a haunting expression which managed to keep its disillusionment with the world below a thin layer of hope, a masterful feat of artistry which makes it a must have for any self-respecting music fan. O’Brien has avoided much of the prying eyes of the public. 2011 will undoubtedly be the year when Villagers experience their explosion onto the world stage and this won’t be our little secret much longer. Carosel Irish/French duo Carosel follow-up their acclaimed debut Kaleidoscope with new EP Star in late January. Carosel are masters of witty pop with an experimental twist. Michelle Phelan’s soaring vocals jar beautifully with Pete McGrane’s instrumentals to create the perfect pop mix. 2011 will be a big year for the twosome as their unique blend of upbeat witty pop looks set to take over
where artists like Regina Spektor and Lily Allen left off. The perfect melody for a climate in crisis. For more on movies and music, not to mention fashion, theatre, gaming and gig listings check out the entertainment section on www.oxygen.ie
Hardy Bucks The Hardy Bucks of Castletown made the leap from YouTube sensations to bona fide telly stars with their first RTE series last year. Buzz and Eddie have kindly taken a break from their hectic schedule of ‘drinkin, fightin and schmokin’ to tell The Spanner about their Ibiza adventures, plans for a second series and the best way to take down a rowdy farm animal... The Spanner: What’s the craic with the Hardy Bucks, what are ye all up to? Buzz: Eddie’s been pulling calves for his uncle, the Boo went to Thailand for the weekend and Frenchtoast got a job selling curtains in Tuam. As for me, I’ve an interview for a job doing bottles in a local pub.
Spanner: What’s the best way to carry three pints back from the bar? Wrap-around hands or one against the chest? Eddie: I’ve never bought three drinks so I dont know. i would imagine skulling one at the bar and carrying the other two would be handy enough.
Spanner: Did ye get the Christmas shift? Eddie: A bit of licking if that counts.
Spanner: What’s your favourite drink? Eddie: That would have to be Dragon’s Mist. It’s a mixture of Bucky, Red Bull and a dash of paint stripper. Makes you feel unreal sexy.
Spanner: How are the New Year’s resolutions going? Have ye cut down on the drinkin, schmokin and fightin? Buzz: I haven’t but this year I’m gonna start eating more healthy. I’m sick of eating shite like choc ices for breakfast. Spanner: What’s the Viper scheming at these days? Why don’t ye just him a few slaps? Eddie: That lad’s as soft as two left shoes. I met him at Christmas mass and spat on his shoulder. Spanner: Is it true about the genital warts Eddie? Eddie: Aammm, well to be honest with ya it was hard to know if they were warts or just dried in cheerios. Spanner: Has anyone heard from anyone in Ballintoohill since the IMF moved it to Belgium? Are they learning the language all right? Buzz: Nobody has heard from them coz all the house phones have changed numbers so we can’t contact the pricks. As for learning the language, they’re so thick in Ballintoohill, they have trouble speaking English, never mind Belgian. Spanner: How are the spuds holding up in Castletown, no signs of blight? Buzz: The spuds are going sound. Frenchtoast had a campaign going called ‘save our spuds’. He raised around 165 euro so that will go straight to buying more spuds. 26
“The Viper - Shnakey”
“That’s the lad who thinks he’s a Spanner. Sell him that bit of turf you found earlier. (L-R: The Boo, French Toast, Eddie, Buzz)” Spanner: Why does Eddie’s oul one stink of cabbage? (Eddie looks unimpressed) Buzz: Coz she could never afford roll on so she would rub boiled cabbage into her armpits to keep the smell at bay. Spanner: Would ye bate the Rubberbandits in a fight? Buzz: Well the boo is an expert karate man and the rest of us boys have been scrapping all our days so yeah.
Spanner: At the end of your RTE series, ye had scraped enough cash to go to Ibiza. How did ye get on? Buzz: For anyone who has never been there, I’d advise you to go. The first night we were there Eddie shifted a sexbeaut from Blackpool. I got a fist of pills from Eddie izzard so I was fucked for the whole holiday. Spanner: Any bras? Eddie: To be honest I don’t wear bras, but I’ve a few in me bedside locker that I’ve kept from sexy women after a night of passion.
Spanner: What are your chances of retaining the King of the Town title? Buzz: Well we hope not to be living in Castletown next year. The uncle reckons he can get us a job shuttering in Somalia.
Spanner: Any yokes? Buzz: Not since last weekend. Eddie got 16 loveheart pills from a lad he met on the Luas in Dublin.
Spanner: Any work going in Castletown? Eddie: Only the dole man gets work in Castletown.
Spanner: What’s the next big ambition? Buzz: The boys in RTE reckon they will come down and film us again in April (6 episodes) so we’ve got that shit coming up.
Spanner: Who’ll get your vote in the upcoming election? Any interest in running for office yourselves? Eddie: We don’t follow that shite. Spanner: What’s the best martial art to use to take down an aggressive farm animal? Buzz: I’d say if it’s a small animal you can’t go wrong with a headlock, but if its a big yoke of a thing, a gang of lads will do the trick.
Spanner: How does it feel to be reality TV stars? Are ye seeing much groupie action? Eddie: Words can’t describe the feeling. We can’t even walk down the street in loughrea and there is women throwing themselves at us. Buzz: I’ve seen no groupie action yet but next time I’m in Dublin, ill be hanging around the docks if anyone is up for some group sex. www.thehardybucks.com
The Smedias 2011
This year marks the 11th anniversary of Irelandâ€™s premier student event- The National Student Media Awards. They grow up so fastâ€Ś
best and biggest
The Smedias 2011 are set to be the awards yet, with the ceremony taking place at the Mansion House in Dublin on April 6. These prestigious awards highlight the brightest up and coming media talent in the country and are judged and presented by media leaders.
National newspapers, broadcasters and brands are among the sponsors. This is the chance for aspiring media professionals around Ireland to be rewarded for their efforts, and to rub shoulders with the big hitters in their chosen field. With 34 different categories, encompassing writing and design for print and online, broadcasting, photography and new media, excellence in every form of student media is recognised. 28
Published on Feb 10, 2011