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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

$2.00 Unleaded

The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

Totally Incompatible with Western Beliefs . . since 1886

POLAR BEAR VORTEX ENGULFS NASHVILLE

THISJUSTIN

Nashville Predators Renamed ‘Redditors’ After Team Sale By Grant Paton

By AJ Ballway rooms at Bridgestone Arena, overweight players to combat traditional male beauty norms, and the logo changed from a saber-toothed tiger to the popular “Dickbutt” meme. Players such as All-Star defenseman Shea Weber and potential MVP candidate goalie Pekka Rinne have been less than enthusiastic about the changes they have been asked to implement. “I was told to paint my mask to look like a narwhal,” Rinne complained. “They want me to add a meter-long horn to the front and everything.” The Redditors have reported a spike in merchandise sales since the rebranding, and the name change has gotten the approval of Nashville Mayor Karl Dean, who celebrated the announcement with bacon, Legos and a Stephen Colbert marathon at his home. Pao and Coach Tyson invite readers of The Slant to participate on reddit.com/reddit_army and submit their requests, regardless of whether or not they are ironic.

The White House released a statement early Wednesday morning stating it was planning on expanding the military’s drone program after the release of “Drone Boning,” a porno released by a New York-based company Ghost and Cow Films. “I believe this piece of AllAmerican art presents a great opportunity for the growth of our drone industry,” the president said as he quickly turned off his computer. The new use for drones comes at a critical moment in the industry. Critics of the expansion of the drone program question the use of military drones to wantonly spy on and kill men, women and children in foreign nations. However, many critics have changed their tone as the popularity of “Drone Boning” increases. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel warns that this new use for drones could weaken the nation’s security. “If we commit our military drones to filming artful pornography,

VUNet Goes Down More Often Than Local Girlfriend By Joey Moon

Amateur Auteur

Hockey Hacker

Ellen Pao, CEO of Reddit, Inc. and new owner of Nashville’s NHL franchise, announced at a press conference this Sunday that the team would change its name from the Nashville Predators to the Nashville Redditors. In an exclusive interview with The Slant, Pao explained her plans to get the website’s users, or redditors, involved with the franchise’s decisionmaking process. “Much like our website, we want this team to be guided by the interests and desires of our users. We have already received an overwhelming number of popular requests that we wish to implement, starting with our hiring of astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson as head coach and general manager.” The team will gauge community desires through the newly created subreddit r/reddit_army, which has already called for several changes to the franchise on top of the hiring of Dr. Tyson. Changes approved by the reddit community include kitten and puppy

Obama Excited About New Drone Possibilities

Lucky Lucia we won’t have enough to spy on our citizens.” Ghost and Cow Films stated that it is happy to hear that the president wants to turn from using drones for the propagation of foreign wars to creating domestic jobs: “We believe that drone-based pornography is a rapidly expanding field, and we want people to know that this is something that will benefit us all.” Vanderbilt economist John Weymark believes that the expanding drone-based pornography business could give the economy a sizable boost. “I predict that with the White House’s support, we can expect more than a million new jobs over the next 10 years. Not only will this create jobs in the drone and the pornography industries, we can expect growth in real estate as film studios buy up prime locations to create their dronebased pornography. I think this is the greatest American development since the Internet.”

A recent study shows that VUNet,VanderbiltUniversity’s secure wireless network, experienced frequent failure over the past two weeks that mirror my frequent failure to convince my girlfriend, Ashley Sinclair, to perform fellatio on me. Vanderbilt University IT (VUIT) announced on Aug. 28, 2014 through email that they would launch a new wireless network requiring users to enter a VUNet ID and password. Since the launch of the new wireless network, Ashley Sinclair has given me a blowjob a total of three times. Reports of the network connectivity problems began to populate Twitter, Facebook and Yik Yak feeds with the return of students from winter break, which is just around the time our relationship started having “network connectivity” problems, Ashley. The problem could lie in the unfamiliarity with the new network, according to VUIT representative Richard

Berg. “I can troubleshoot your ‘device’ to get you up and going, big boy.” Leading experts agree that I get significantly less brain than my peers. When questioned as to how frequently he receives a blowjob, junior and local roommate Chad Bush said, “I don’t know — like about two to nine times a week or something like that.” Although I feared that Ashley wouldn’t go down on me because my penis looks strange, medical professionals agree that there are no observable disfigurements or blemishes on the genitals in question. “There’s nothing wrong with your penis. Stop showing it to me,” said Shanita ColemanDockery, a nurse practitioner at the Student Health Center. Students who continue to experience problems with VUNet are advised to contact the VUIT Help Desk at 3439999, email it@vanderbilt.edu or visit a Tech Hub location.

INSIDETHISISSUE IN THIS CORNER

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FROM LOUISVILLE

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STANDING 6’3”

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THE GREATEST OF

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ALL TIME

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MUHAMMAD ALI

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Tween Discovers Her Homeroom Teacher’s Hobby

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Bear Bench Waiting For a Sexy Honey to Come Along


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SPEEDYGREEKS

FROM THE EDITOR On Jan. 7, 2015 the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo was attacked by an Islamist radicalist group, leaving 12 dead and 10 injured. The radicalist group claims they JAMES CROSS were avenging JAMES.P.CROSS@VANDERBILT.EDU Muhammad, after the newspaper published crude political cartoons depicting the Islamic God. The Slant is incredibly lucky that a group who felt offended by one of our articles has never threatened us. An article worthy of such attention would have to be extremely offensive, which begs the question, why hasn’t anyone threatened us yet? We make ISIS jokes left and right, but not once have they sent a video threatening us. Are we not popular enough to target? I’ll have you know, we publish 2,700 copies every three weeks. That’s a bunch. Again, totally thankful that the lives of our staff members have never been endangered by a radicalist group, but hear me out. We make some really raunchy abortion jokes. And, last year, we almost made a blackface joke. We didn’t, but we got pretty close. Doesn’t that make you angry? No? Nothing? Damn. I mean this is Tennessee, the ninth-most conservative state in the union. There must be someone out there who thinks some of our articles are death-letter-worthy. How about an aggressive tweet? I speak for the whole Slant staff when I say a tweet would mean a lot to us. A little hostile swearing here and there goes a long way. It’s not so much the words you use; it’s the thought that matters. Knowing our paper pisses someone off would mean the world to me. In 2005, we got in some hot water over a Hurricane Katrina joke we made. Our editor was literally in tears apologizing to a panel of students. Those were the days. Now, I write a slightly insensitive piece, wishing a terrorist would attack our staff, and everyone is too busy reading about Carol Swain to take notice. What else am I to do? Write even more provocative content? It seems the more controversial, the better. I mean, if I’ve learned anything from Carol Swain, it’s that all publicity is good publicity. Raise your hand if you knew who Carol Swain was a week ago. MASTHEAD

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

Actually Inside This Issue

Fucked Image

Death by Wife: ..............................................................2 No Friend... Zone: ..........................................................3 Sounds Like Victory: ............................................. 4-5 AROUND THE LOOP: Resolutions ..................6

“That’s what happens when you mess with Mommy’s shrink ray.”

Monkeying Around: ....................................................7 TOP TEN: Irksome Carol Swain.......................8

OPINION: Greeks Ousted from EU By Sandy Sims

Sisterhood Specialist Recently it has come to my attention that, once again, the Greek community has come under attack. This time, the attack is bigger and badder than ever, and I’m calling on Vanderbilt students to step up and come to the defense the Greeks of the world. I was thrown from my elliptical when a Fox News headline informed me, “Greeks being ousted from European Union.” It is outrageous that the Greek community would be singled out by such a large international power, and for simply being true to who they are. The truth is that the Europeans are probably just jealous of the sibling-like closeness of the brothers and sisters of the Greek system, and most likely can’t get into our parties. It is unacceptable that we have not already taken notice of this situation and made a stand against these internationally funded bullies. It’s a good thing I can depend on my big to coach me through the emotional effects of their jealousy. I mean, really, it’s not our fault they were the ones crying in the bathroom when we received our bids. The fact that people would be willing to kick people out of the European Union simply for belonging to what I believe to be the most valuable organization of my college career makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t even finish my edamame when I think about it. Those who belong to Greek life at Vanderbilt understand the unnecessary attacks we come under on a daily basis. Whether it be on Yik Yak, on satirical Twitter accounts or in the belief of hipsters that we are all stupid, we know that we must stick together when we are being attacked by those around us. The European Union is no exception. I know my sisters in the United States of America would never stand for this if they knew what was going on. That’s why I am calling on all of the brothers and sisters valuable to our Greek life here at Vanderbilt to make a difference, and to get the word out about this egregious attack on those we call our own. We will stand together in the face of adversity, and we will come out on the other side triumphant, free to make as many T-shirts as we want. I believe in the power of the Greek system.

Celebrity Wives Plan More Assassinations By Thomas Shannan

Shutting the Government Down . . since 1886. 188 Sarratt Student Center 2301 Vanderbilt Place VU# 351504 Station B Nashville, TN 37235 Phone (615) 322-2424 Fax (615) 322-3762 Website www.theslant.net

STAFF

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POLICIES

James “Cool Dad” Cross Mary Beth “the Unburnt” Schatzman Tophie So Eh, everyone helped Abby Dillon Lily Williams Almaz Mesghina Scott Rogers Dylan Rosenfield Alex Wolfe Bonhwang Koo Caroline Brockett Brandon Smith Carter Adkins Caroline Volgman Dylan Teague Holly Therrell Charles Sanford Taylor Zhang Jack Sentell Jackson Parker Jimmy Cooper Kahan Modi Aiden Moretti Lucia Lee Madeline Goetz Owen Akeley Roshan Poudel James Cross Colin Freilich AJ Ballway Julia Ordog Grant Paton Thomas Shannan Nick Sparkman Sophie To William Sox Chelsea Velaga Sarah Vollman Kathy Yuan Sarah Kirk Meredith Vitale Brianne Berry

Military Mastermind

The wives and girlfriends of multiple celebrities met this week to discuss possible assassination attempts on their husbands. Leading the motion was Patricia Driscoll, the ex-girlfriend of NASCAR driver Kyle Busch. Busch allegedly assaulted Driscoll in his RV last September, forcing Driscoll to press charges against her former beau. During a testimony earlier this month, Busch told the courts that he couldn’t possibly have assaulted Driscoll due to her being a trained assassin. Driscoll was livid that Busch broke his promise by telling her secret, saying that he “pinky-swore not to.” Via Twitter, she made her official announcement of her plan to assassinate Busch, followed by a “knife-gun-knife” Emoji sequence. Driscoll’s movement, appropriately called “Bang-Bang, Bitch,” gathered the attention of other celebrity wives and girlfriends who quickly left their men for fear of similar assaults. At their first meeting, the women discussed possible assassination methods, including death by arsenic and the slightly stealthier act of stabbing him six times. Busch’s bravery gave other male celebrities the courage they needed to come forth about the true identities of the women in their lives. Unbeknownst to the public before now, Chris Brown revealed that his hit “Forever” is actually the percentage of time he’s scared for his life when he’s around Rihanna. Brown took to social media earlier this week saying, “yall think rihanna is a singer she really a CIA agent tho.” Everyone’s favorite NFL player, Ray Rice, went into witness protection this week after disclosing that his wife, Janay Palmer, is a mercenary for the North Korean military. Rice also divulged

that Palmer may or may not be having an affair with Kim Jongun, but that’s none of his business. Perhaps most surprising was the tweet from Bill Cosby, proposing that the various women he allegedly raped are actually all male bodybuilders in disguise. When asked to elaborate on his claim by fans, Cosby tweeted back “ZIP ZOP ZOOBITY BOP,” which has been loosely translated to “This ain’t no shit.” “Everyone on the outside can tell me I’m crazy, but I’ve lived on the inside and saw it firsthand,” Busch told The Slant shortly before going into hiding. All future NASCAR appearances by Busch have been put on hold until the matter can be resolved.

Kyle Busch turns left to avoid a red dot on his dashboard.

Bastard Confession

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PHOTO CREDIT

All photographs were provided by McClatchy-Tribune and Wikimedia Commons

DISCLAIMERS

This publication is a work of humor, parody and satire. None of the subjects or writers are intended to represent real people, unless those people are public figures. You must be over 18 to read The Slant. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student Communications, Inc. All stories and images are the properties of their respective owners. Each member of the Vanderbilt community is entitled to one copy of this publication; additional copies are five dollars each. If The Slant offends you, do not read it. Support our advertisers. Copyright © 2014, The Slant. All rights reserved IN VANUM LABORAT QUI OMNIBUS PLACERE CONTENDIT

“Sometimes I jack off to Mia Khalifa.” - Carol Swain


SMALLTALKZONE

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

Companies Move To Business Model Based on ‘90s Nostalgia By William Sox Nineties Ninja

Citing several recent studies, multiple companies have formed a new coalition, aiming to stimulate the economy and their sales as well by tapping into the almost pathological fetishism the average American consumer exhibits towards the period spanning from 1990 to 1999. “The group is very excited and has high hopes for this new direction,” said Justin Timberlake, recently hired consultant for the coalition. “Once we get everyone in sync and working toward the same goal, these guys are gonna take the ‘90s back to the streets.” Timberlake was hired on the basis of his demonstrated ability to turn people’s fond memories of the ‘90s into a sustainable income. Other consultants hired include Snoop Dogg, Neil Patrick Harris and a Tamagotchi. The group’s pilot efforts can be seen in Sony’s recently updated and released Walkman, and Netflix’s addition of the beloved ‘90s sitcom “Friends” to its instant streaming options. “We’re not entirely sure why people have developed such an obsession with this specific decade,” said Reed Hastings, Netflix CEO, “but we’re happy to use it to our benefit. Be looking out for additional ‘90s sitcom classics to be available soon. I don’t want to give too much away, but ... ‘Home Improvement.’” Other companies, while not releasing new products, are hoping the ‘90s craze will revitalize their sales. “Now is the time!” screamed Ty Warner, inventor of Beanie Babies. “Your investments will pay off! Beanie prices are gonna go through the roof any day now, and you’d better pray to whatever God you believe

in that you kept the damn tag on every single one.” With the success of these initial efforts, rumor has it that even politicians are beginning to attempt to bolster their approval ratings using ‘90s appeal. Some say, however, that this claim is ridiculous. “I want to assure the American public that I am completely focused on the present,” said President Obama, adjusting his acid-wash denim jacket. “We have too many problems to remain stuck in the past. Only by moving forward can we make this nation rad again. Now excuse me, I gotta bounce.” The president then pulled a skateboard from behind his podium and exited the room by performing what journalists described as “a sick ollie.” At press time, Tom Cruise was found to be lovingly dusting his collection of vintage Rubik’s cubes. “The ‘80s are up next, baby,” Cruise said. “It’s only a matter of time.”

The Walkman is just one of many 90s memorabilia making a comeback this year.

Friend Zone Improves Local Middle School Diplomacy By Roshan Poudel Love Linguist

Last Monday at approximately 12:32 p.m., sixth grader Dylan Fitzpatrick informed a messenger for classmate Joan Pippins that although he did not “like like” her, he was interested in pursuing a friendship with her in the future. This was the carefully crafted resolution to the unfamiliar moral dilemma of protecting his own interests while not drastically

Dylan Fitzgerald negotiated his way through a potentionally difficult situation this past Monday.

hurting Pippins’ feelings. This issue had been plaguing the 12-yearold since morning recess, where eyewitnesses reported that Pippins had used the same messenger earlier at approximately 7:48 a.m. to hand-deliver a note written on wide-ruled paper. Fitzsimmons described the note as being sexual in nature, as most clearly demonstrated by phrases such as “I think your cute,” “Do you like Green Day?” and “I like you.” “What attracted me to him was that he was funny, had hair that came down to his eyes, and he was also cool,” Pippins told our reporters. After pouring these heartfelt emotions onto paper, Pippins said she convinced a trusted ally to hand-deliver the note to Fitz early Monday morning. “I only read the first two lines and then threw it away,” explained Fitzcher, who cited never having been liked by a girl previously for the reason behind his paralyzing shock.

“I didn’t really like her a lot, but I didn’t know how to tell her ‘no’ at first,” he continued. “Then in algebra I realized that I didn’t have to tell her ‘no’ to being her boyfriend, but instead I could just tell her ‘yes’ to being her friend!” When Pippins’ emissary inquired for Fitztrickpat’s response during the subsequent lunch period, sources say he enlightened her of this philosophical breakthrough and then quickly proceeded to band class. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the note at first, but I think this is a real win-win situation,” Fitztatprick said when reflecting on the revolutionary negotiation. When asked how he thinks his relationship with Pippins will play out, he responded: “I think it’s too early to tell. Mostly because we haven’t talked since lunch for some reason.”

Girl Has Two Labs in One Day By Colin Freilich Science Sorcerer

Monica Jacobson, a student at Vanderbilt University, is enrolled Biology lab on Thursday mornings and Organic Chemistry lab on Thursday afternoons. This incident has created a firestorm of controversy that has resulted in the firing of a lab instructor. Jacobson commented on the situation before the instructor was fired. “I emailed Dr. Baskauf asking to take me off the wait list for the Tuesday afternoon lab because I have both my labs in one day. I told him that I have to work on Thursday mornings so I can’t go lab then, and I need to get off the Tuesday waitlist. He told me that there was nothing he could do. I just don’t think that’s true. I mean, I don’t have to work on Thursday mornings, but like, what if I did?” Dr. Steven Baskauf, the professor in charge of the biology lab, refused to comment on the situation. Jacobson’s cause has received a great deal of attention on social media where users have shown their solidarity with the hashtags #StandWithMonica, #NoLabPrivilege, #TwoLabLivesMatter and #MonicaCantBreathe. Vanderbilt University quickly responded to all of this social

media attention by terminating Baskauf ’s contract. The university released the statement, “Dr. Baskauf ’s refusal to help Monica Jacobson in her dire situation revealed that he was not an employee who lived up to the Vanderbilt ideals of community, citizenship and service. We have assembled a dedicated search committee of deans to find a more reasonable professor to run the biology lab.” Vanderbilt cited the precedent set by the University of Virginia as a justification for their decision. That precedent came as a result of the now-retracted article in “Rolling Stone” about an alleged rape on campus that resulted in all fraternities being suspended. The credibility of the victim was questioned, and discrepancies in her story were eventually found. The exact precedent that Vanderbilt is following is that a single student’s complaint, regardless of its factual basis, is a justifiable foundation for major university decisions. The university registrar has taken Jacobson off the waitlist for the Tuesday lab. Jacobson was pleased with the decision, saying, “I mean I’m still really busy and my schedule is still really tough, but at least it’s not like impossible anymore. Thanks, Vanderbilt.”

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Miss Mary Beth’s Guide to Small Talk Hello there. It’s been a while. I hope you have been well and that 2015 has treated you kindly so far. Above is an example of appropriate small talk for grandmothers, the elderly and most strangers. Effective and polite, this phrase has served me well for the past few years (as even in 2011 people continued to hope that 2015 would be kind to them) and is one of my favorites to use in casual conversation. Its immensely positive reception has led me to believe I am exceptionally good at small talk, and out of the immense kindness of my heart, I have decided to share some of that expertise with you. Below you will find some of my favorite phrases and topics to use for small talk at every point of the semester. Take a look, memorize and enjoy your year of living up to the resolution to socialize! Jan. 1–Jan. 31: Topics: Winter Break, Classes Questions: What did you do over winter break? How did your mother react to your finals grades? Have you managed to sleep through your first 8 a.m.? How are your classes going? Have you lost faith in you academic abilities? Feb. 1–Feb. 12: Topics: Valentine’s Day Plans, Midterms Questions: Have you started studying yet? Have you planned for midterms yet? No, I don’t have Valentine’s plans, do you? Where is your significant other taking you out to dinner? I may not have plans, but there’s nothing better than a “Lord of the Rings” marathon on Valentine’s, right? Feb. 13–Feb. 15: Topics: Valentine’s Day Questions: (It might be best to avoid this altogether. I recommend you spend some quality time in your room, alone and in the dark so that no one can see you eat an entire carton of Cookie Butter Ben & Jerry’s to soothe the pain of your loneliness.) Feb. 15–Feb. 28: Topics: Midterms, Spring Break Questions: (A warning: Some of these answers may be incoherent due to extenuating circumstances.) When did you go to bed last night? How did you lose your laptop? What are you doing for Spring Break? Did you know you have something on your forehead? What did you give up for Lent? How do you plan to get your (insert alcohol of choice) through airport security? March 9–March 31: Topics: Spring Break Questions: How was your spring break? Why don’t you remember it? Is there anything better than just being alone with your family during spring break? April 1–April 16: Topics: Rites of Spring Questions: Are you excited for the lineup? Have you bought tickets? Who do you plan to go with? I don’t think there’s anything more fun than going to concerts by yourself, do you? April 19–April 30: Topics: Finals, Summer Vacation Questions: What are you doing for summer break? Have you decided which internship you want to take? Do you want to take me with you on your beach vacation with all of our friends? Do you want to spend time with me? Would you like to solidify our (insert type of relationship) before we head off for the semester?

This is one of the two laboratories Jacobson worked in on Thursdays.


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SONGSFEUDALSYSTEM

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

Predictions an Melodores Strengths: A strong female presence. Weaknesses: Malnourished (average height 4’11”). Lip-Sync songs in G minor. Plaid jackets are in the wash. Predictions: Stress of the competition will cause the group to become anything but mellow. Although most of them are the Careers, they are the relatively unknown, dark horse pick. Let’s be honest, they’ll probably be the first ones out. Their groupies, the Melowhores, will be sleeping alone that night. Look to the sky to see their logo the first night. Odds: 50k-1.

Victory Strengths: Their a capella biblical ancestors have long history of conquering undesirable groups. Weaknesses: Altar boys. Predictions: Their mission is to “worship God and to make His name known.” A few Tennesseans have already vowed to send them bibles. It is still unclear how these books will help them in the competition. The “Victory” is either foreshadowing or a red herring. Odds: A David vs. Goliath tale

Variations Strengths: Diversity, Unpredictable. Weaknesses: Have a weakness for Swingin’ Dores. Predictions: Expect this group to switch things up. As a coed group, they often swap gender roles. Expect a Sarah in a suit, and a David in a dress. Odds: Variable

Swingin’ Dores Strengths: Stiletto pumps that could be used as a weapon. Weaknesses: This sisterhood got a bottom tier pledge class. Sing like little girls. No doors in the arena for them to swing. Two girls may stop singing to talk shit about the other 12. Predictions: We predict an early knockout. And hey, don’t let that Swingin’ Dore hit you on the way out. Odds: 70 cents to 1 dollar


BLACKFRIDEATH

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

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nd Vegas Odds Harmonic Notion Strengths: Notion of the ocean, not the size of the ship. Weaknesses: Notion Sickness. No one has heard of them. Predictions: Who knows? Odds: Slim to None

The Dodecs Strengths: The oldest a capella group on campus. Weaknesses: Everyone thinks the Melodores are older. Lost Owen Akeley. Predictions: This group will get you hooked on Dodecaphonics. You’ll have to go through the 12step program to stop your Dodecachronic intake. Odds: 12-1

Vandy Taal Strengths: Motivated by huge dowries, accustomed to territory conflicts, rapid member growth, cow mascot. Weaknesses: Naan Predictions: Expect Bollywood songs mashed up with other Bollywood songs accompanied by a 50-person dance number. As for their clothing selection, we’ll taal you about that later.

Voce Strengths: That Portuguese flavor. Can bear children. Weaknesses: Lack testosterone. Lost only black member to the world of abroad. Predictions: This group only plays Jason Derulo. Who knew Jason Derulo sounded even worse in Portuguese? One anonymous donor already pledged five vials of testosterone. Odds: A snowball’s chance in hell.


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INTERNATIONALWEATHER

Vandy Student: “It’s Not Even That Cold Outside” By Taylor Zhang

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

For most students, the winter has produced terribly cold temperatures, sometimes too much to bear on the daily walk to class. But for one Vandy student, being cold is not an option. “What, you think it’s cold outside? I’m not cold. Not even close,” said Chad, an engineering student from Jacksonville, Florida. “I’ve never felt better. Are you cold? It seems like you’re really cold.” Chad is a known personality on Vanderbilt campus, and he has been known to let everyone know that the weather isn’t as extreme as it is made out to be. “You know, ever since I was a kid I’ve found myself to not be cold even when all my friends were cold. I don’t know why, it’s just something that’s part of my identity,” says Chad, as he adjusts his gym shorts that almost reach his shins. “I guess he just isn’t cold,” says Peter, an acquaintance of Chad’s. “It’s pretty impressive to be honest. I just wish he would stop telling people how not cold he is. Like, c’mon man.”

Winter Whiner

“What... this? This is nothing.”

Government Provides Balloons to Make Children Lighter By James Cross

My Study Abroad Journal By Sarah Vollman Dear Journal (or shall I say – Cheerio!),

Another Vanderbilt student, Matthew, agrees. “Can someone tell him to stop doing that?” Chad, on the other hand, shrugs off his naysayers, shivering as he sunbathes in the snow. “I don’t know about those guys but when people say it’s cold outside I just think they’re wrong because I’m not cold. I’ll make sure they know I’m not cold. You ever been to Alaska? That’s the real cold. And even when I was wrestling with bears in Alaska, I still wasn’t even ccold.” “I mean just look at him. He’s clearly freezing,” says Matthew. “What’s he trying to prove? Is this a stunt for global warming? I swear one time I saw him wearing a swimsuit while sunbathing in the snow and reading Farenheit 451. He looked at me in the eyes and said, ‘This book makes me even less cold than I already am.’” In the end, Chad continues to proclaim his state of feeling indignantly comfortable in cold weather. “I’m not c-cold, my h-heart isn’t cold, and my whole c-crew ain’t cold.”

18/1/15

Did you notice how I listed the date differently? I’m already adjusting to the British lifestyle quite well. Yet at the same time - everything is so different here in the UK! I started my journey with an authentic British sandwich from Camden Food Co. I couldn’t finish it though, so I brought it to my gate at JFK and ate the rest later. I figured that would be a smart thing to do in case I didn’t like the food on the plane or something. When I arrived, I couldn’t believe I was finally here. The streets are filled with delis on every corner! If you really want to, you can ride a double decker bus (!) past a red telephone booth (!!) to get a sandwich ANYTIME. It’s a dream come true. My first day was exhilarating! I walked around A TON and saw so many sights. For lunch, I got this pesto sandwich on the go and it was incredibly difficult to eat while riding the tube. (The tube!) So, as far as presentation goes, I’d give it about a three on a scale of ten. But, it was still really good - so it gets an eight for taste. Considering all of the elements of the sandwich, it ranks around third for sandwiches I’ve eaten thus far.

Weight Wizard

Due to high rates of childhood obesity in America, Congress passed a bill that states hospitals must attach balloons to children whose body mass index exceeds 30 kilograms per meter squared. Congress believes these balloons will make children lighter. The policy states children receive one balloon for every 10 pounds above the average weight for their age. Michelle Obama, who has been a pivotal player in the push to eliminate obesity among children, has praised the bill. “Being treated differently is one of the hardest parts

of overweight adolescents who have trouble exercising and even sometimes need a mobility scooter. These balloons allow children to move freely around the schoolyard, just like any other child their age.” The department of Health and Human Services designed a number of different balloon models. Camoflouage balloons are for kids who want to avoid the name calling and pointing that some balloon users experience. On the contrary, bright red models are for children who are proud of their bodies, and even come with a shirt that reads, “Fat Children are

It’s pretty difficult to pick my favorite sight I’ve seen. Everything is so grand – and with such incredible history attached to it. When I walked along the stretch to Buckingham Palace, I could really imagine what it must have been like to be Kate Middleton back in 2011. It’s the little things that really make you stop and think. Ultimately, if you made me pick (spoiler alert: I’m definitely coming out with a Sarah’s Local London Favorites List VERY soon) – I’d probably say I was most impressed by St. Paul’s Cathedral. The café is in the crypt, so it makes for a one-of-a-kind dining experience. How often can you eat a sandwich right above a centuries old corpse?! A real treat. I’m so excited for my adventures to continue abroad. The city is just exploding with hidden gems around every corner, and there are so many sandwiches I haven’t even eaten yet!

Harder to Kidnap.” “I love it,” said one overweight child. “I feel like a regular kid again.” Opponents of the bill think Congress is not addressing the root causes of obesity like unhealthy eating habits. In response to these criticisms, Congress has added nutritional facts on the balloons such as “An apple a day keeps you away from Obamacare.” “It’s not too late to save our children,” said United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. “If you really care about the well being of your child, you need to provide proper medical care by strapping a few balloons to your child’s back.” Congress may also change obesity criteria to children who are 700 pounds or more above their age’s average weight, thus eradicating obesity in America. The Helium of America lobby group has reportedly already invested two million dollars to prevent that bill from passing.

Talk soon, Sarah

¿

?

The first red balloon prototype (left) was released this past week.

What’s your New Years resolution? Carol Swain

“Alienate as many students as possible in less than 500 words.”

Country pig

“Go to the big city.”

Kissam

Blackboard

“Have an actual fire.”

“Cut down more OAK trees.”

Girl next to me in class

Philosophy Major

“Keep wearing too much perfume.”

“Continue to outwit everyone in class.”

Selfies

Malaysian Airlines

“Replace all forms of art.”

“Stop playing hide and seek with everyone.”


PRIMATEEFFECT

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

7

More Articles Student Fails to Tell Professor Streisand To Advise Muslim He Goes By Middle Name Terrorists On Censorship By Colin Freilich

By Aidan Moretti

Nominal Nuisance

Vanderbilt University sophomore Josiah Michael Morrison failed to inform one of his professors that he has preferred to be referred to by his middle name, “Mike,” instead of his first name, “Josiah,” for as long as he can remember. When Professor Michelle Ramos reached his name while calling attendance on the first day of American Studies 100W — a small discussion-based class with only 12 students — Morrison failed to say, “Just Mike is fine.” Mike will be called Josiah indefinitely. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot,” Mike said. “In every other class I was so smooth. Nobody calls me Josiah. I really messed this one up bad. It would have been fine for my econ class with 40 people in it, but to mess it up for this little discussion class is really rough.” Mike has already failed to respond naturally on numerous occasions when he is called on in class. When asked about her student Mike Morrison, Professor Ramos said, “Who?” Mike continued, “I really wanted to correct the professor on the second day of class, but I panicked and froze up.

Alternate Arnold

“That’s the last time I’ll maket that mistake.” Now it’s too late. The worst part of it is, I know a couple of the other people in the class. They know me as Mike. I signed up for the class with this girl named Laura who I thought I had a chance with. No way she would ever get with me now after this embarrassing display.” “Yeah, it was really pathetic,” Laura said in an interview with The Slant. “I mean, is he just going to let himself be called the wrong name all semester? I can’t believe I ever thought he was cute.” Vincent Antinori was a friend of Mike’s before this

semester. Both were happy to see each other on the first day of class, but Vincent quickly became confused. “I thought everyone called him Mike. I had no idea his name was Josiah. I was sitting next to this girl named Laura on the first day. She looked just as confused as me when the professor called him Josiah. I asked her about it. I guess we sort of laughed about it and bonded over him not correcting the professor. Now I’m going to a date party with her next weekend!”

Decrease in Rand Sales Due to Dormitory Donner Parties on Commons By Lily Williams

Culinary Connoisseur

Following a battery of threats and attacks on organizations who satirize Islamic extremism, Bar-bara Streisand has volunteered to consult with jihadists around the globe on how best to suppress free expression. The bestselling singersongwriter and actress released an official statement on Friday. “These ruthless terrorists just want what we all want: to be left alone. Well that, and to conquer the world and establish a global caliphate, in which all humankind will be forced to live under Muslim rule. The first thing, though, I can totally relate to that.” Many political and social strategists agree that Streisand is, in fact, the right individual to advise the jihadists on such matters. In 2003, Streisand took legal action to suppress the public dis-semination of a photo depicting her house—a beachfront mansion located in Malibu, California, available to view online—only to cause the image to gain far more publicity than it ever would have had she not attempted to do so. This incident spawned the phrase “The Streisand Effect” to describe such a phenomena. “I know better than anyone what it feels like to want to censor a piece of public information, but I’ve learned what mistakes to avoid when going about it. The depressing truth of our time is that free expression and the sharing of information just can’t be suppressed as easily as it used to.” Streisand’s actions are no doubt motivated by the most recent act of terrorism against free ex-pression, this time targeting Charlie Hebdo a small weekly satirical newspaper which operates in a democratic country that turns

Streisand during a lecture in Syria. out not to adhere to Sharia law. “It’s obvious these bloodthirsty extremists need serious help,” Streisand says. “Also, I could teach them a thing or two about censorship.” According to reports, the horrific shooting at the offices of Charlie Hebdo did, in fact, result in the socalled Streisand Effect. The cartoon image of the prophet Mohamed pleading with an ISIS member holding a scimitar to his throat spread rapidly and widely online and across many me-dia platforms, and the brave men and women at Charlie Hebdo printed three million copies of the first issue after the attack, rather than the usual sixty thousand. “While I don’t know if I will be able to disabuse them of their belief that it is not utterly amoral and despicable to slaughter innocent men, women, and children,” Streisand continued, “I am confi-dent I can teach them about cause and effect in the age of the internet. Perhaps

they are not aware of the internet at all.” The frustrated celebrity plans to visit and lecture in a number of local Islamic terrorist hotspots throughout the Middle East and even mainland Europe, but only after she has acquired a burka loose enough to conceal a bullet proof vest and completed a course at UCLA called How To Hide Your Judaism In Formal Settings. Streisand concludes, “It saddens me to know there are currently so many people out there who so greatly misunderstand today’s society. If only these monsters understood that what they are doing is counterproductive in achieving their goals. It’s almost as if they’re blinded by some powerful delusion that inhibits their ability to think rationally about what is the right or very wrong course of action—in censoring free information.”

SAE Creates GoFundMe to Purchase Campus Monkey By Lily Williams Animal Activist

Student at a Donner party meeting, enjoiying their peers. The onset of “Arctic temperatures” has caused a significant decrease in Rand Dining Hall’s sales, but not for bad reason. Students have formed a new dinner club, calling their events “Donner Parties”, and are hosting meals in their dormitories in lieu of traveling through the cold to campus’ main dining hall. The most notable of these events have been on Commons, the collection of dorms furthest from Rand. Not only do the students avoid the walk across campus in the cold and snow, battling the icy sidewalks and Nashville winds, but they also have a new opportunity to experience diverse culinary events provided by students from around the country and the globe. The freshmen on Commons have been hosting these parties in the comfort of their own dorm rooms in order to fully immerse and devote

themselves to the Donner experience. Johnny Dahmer, one of the first to begin these Donner parties, is looking to develop this get together into a fully-fledged club on campus. “Quite a few students have come up to me and asked if they could join the Donner club so that they could interact with others – have a few friends for dinner. Students love to eat, and they shouldn’t be inhibited by the cold weather outside.” Chancellor Zeppos has expressed different sentiments about the potential to start a dining club in light of the current Donner party activities growing around campus. “Not only is campus dining suffering in profit, but class attendance is diminishing as well. I’m not sure exactly what goes on at these events, but if they further affect students’ abilities to attend class, then the process will have to be

modified.” One of the pervading questions for all Donner Party participants is what will happen when the weather becomes warm again. Will these parties continue, or will Rand return to its normal profit levels? Dahmer states that he hopes Rand will not suffer from Donner activities. “I believe that Rand and the Donner Club can coincide. We can still go to Rand, but also provide some of the recipes that we have learned from each other so that all students can experience our club. One of our members came up with a really great rib recipe.” It is unknown how the Donner Party process will continue, but it seems likely that if the cold weather continues to persist, then students will be giving an arm and a leg to participate.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at Vanderbilt has created a new fundraising page in order to attain a pet Rhesus monkey for their house and for the student body’s enjoyment. SAE is notorious for their profitable fundraising abilities, their most recent campaign being the effort to raise funds to Save the Castle. They are back in the game after a brief fundraising hiatus, and are now diligently working to bring this furry friend to campus. The last campus mascot was George, the Vanderbilt campus beagle and mascot in the 1980s. His portrait is framed outside of the Pub at Overcup Oak. During his time at Vanderbilt, George meandered around campus, befriending students, fraternity brothers, and fostering an amicable campus environment with his lolling tongue. Sources within the fraternity say the brothers of SAE are admirably trying to reinstate this tradition, introducing a new creature to bring happiness to campus, which we all know can become gloomy in

the winter and during periods of high stress. Monkeys are known for their sweet disposition and intelligent nature, but occasionally also maiming innocent bystanders. However, these cases are very rare, and are only likely to happen in uncontrollably loud and distracting environments. With the new house, state of the art speakers, and strobe lights, the monkey will be like a true member of SAE. Vanderbilt’s arboretum campus also would be ideal for an active primate, the multitude of trees providing opportunities for both sufficient exercise, and playing games such as hide-and-seek, and where’s the nosey? A monkey’s childlike presence

would liven up campus with screams… of delight. The solitary concern with bringing in a pet affiliated with a particular fraternity is that an intelligent and freethinking animal, such as a monkey, could develop an affinity for a fraternity other than SAE. The past two years, there have been issues with pledge brothers switching to other fraternities last minute, and it would be heartbreaking if the SAE monkey decided to become a Beta instead. Regardless, the fundraising is progressing well, and the Vanderbilt student body may soon be receiving a new member. Everyone would be well-advised to keep their eyes peeled to the trees.

The happy rhesus monkey, waiting to be welcomed to Vanderbilt’s campus.


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TOPDINNERMOVIE

TOPTEN

Top 10 things Carol Swain does when no one is looking

10

Double dip

9

Call other people’s kids spoiled brats

8

Leave one oreo in the packet

7

Steal your Uber

6

5

4

3

2

1

Praise Allah

Watch The Bachelor

The Slant - www.theslant.net -January 21, 2015

Slant Recipes: Dinner for One By: Almaz Mesghina Ingredients: -

2 large chicken breasts

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1 tablespoon olive oil

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A hint of betrayal

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1 onion, thinly sliced

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1 cup, half empty

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3/4 cup grape tomatoes, halved

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A couple of suspicious Facebook photos

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2 potatoes, cut into even wedges

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A handful of spinach leaves

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1 wedding, called off

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Salt and pepper to taste

Preparation:

Leave the toilet seat up

1. Wash your hands before beginning to cook. Be sure to remove all jewelry that might get in the way. That includes your engagement ring and that watch she bought you after you sealed the deal with that big client. It’s time to throw them out. 2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. This number is divisible by two.

Trash talk on Xbox live

3. Take the chicken breasts out of the freezer. If they need to defrost, place in a bath of cold water. You know deep down that unlike the chicken, a frozen heart may never thaw out. If they find it in themselves to warm up to you, slice the chicken into even, 1-inch pieces. Discard excess fat. 4. Heat the oil in a pan. Add the chicken and bring to a medium heat. 5. Look around. This place sure does seem empty without her.

Leave comments on Youtube

6. Once the oven has preheated, mix potatoes, onions and tomatoes into an oven-safe pan. Periodically open the oven door and stick your head in. The wafts of onion will surround you. Now’s the perfect time. Cry it out. No one’s watching. You don’t have to put on a brave face anymore. Bake for 20 minutes or until potatoes are golden brown. 7. Add contents of oven to the cooked chicken. Cover pan and bring to a low simmer.

Disparage billions of people

8. Remove from heat only once the onions become translucent and the chicken has browned evenly. Add salt and pepper to taste. Place on a bed of spinach leaves. 9. You set a second plate out of habit. Scrape the meal into the trash and rinse the plate off. Throw it at the wall. You don’t need her.

Serves: her right

JOINTHESLANT By Kathy Yuan “Give me your clever, your sarcastic, Your witty masses yearning to pun freely, The cheeky refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, satire-swung, to me: I lift my lamp beside the student media room door!” —excerpt from Emma Lazarus’ “The New Colossus of Rand” as featured on the Statue of Irony The hallway before Last Drop is the home of many things: pottery workshops, art flyers, some unsavory hustlers, a rapidly depleting case of stress balls, and the finest conglomerate of collegiate sarcasm east of the Mississippi River. We are writers, musicians, theoretical physicists, NCAA Division I athletes, pretzel lobbyists, slam poets, chillwave enthusiasts, and a whole host of different passions that come together in the name of that magnificent colossus, Humor, every Wednesday night, 9pm, room 130, cold weather be damned. If you’re into comedic think tanks and unapologetically candid personalities, drop in, or drop our EIC James Cross a line at james.p.cross@vanderbilt.edu. You won’t regret it.

Top 10 2016 Movies We’re Looking Forward To In 2015 By Mary Beth Schatzman Cinema Sampler

10. The Hobbit 4: Electric Boogaloo – Catering to the desires of a dedicated and multigenerational fandom, Peter Jackson took all of the extra footage from the previous six movies and cut it into one five-hour film. In the background will play ‘80s dance music layered with Benedict Cumberbatch voiceovers. It is expected to be a box office hit. 9. The Interview Part 2: DEAR AFRICA – In the follow-up to the hard-hitting 2014 film “The Interview,” Seth Rogen and James Franco again plan to capitalize on the wonders of sensationalism and an audience convinced that problematic opinions are the perfect emblems to work against government censorship. Franco and Rogen this time plan to assassinate the leaders of every country in Africa. Unfortunately, sources indicate that as Rogen and Franco have yet to learn to pronounce the names of the leaders they would be assassinating, it is unclear whether or not the film will make it to theatrical release. 8. Dog Measles, A Love Story – A heart-worming companion to The Paw-lt in Our Stars, this drama spins the tale of a young pup desperate for love despite his tragic and apparently incurable disease. 7. X-Men: Days of a Time Gone By – Sources are uncertain as to what this film will entail, but most agree that it will probably rewrite the events of the last movie so as to make sure that the cinematic franchise will last as long as possible. Hugh Jackman will return as Wolverine, and Sir Patrick Stewart will play all other characters. 6. ELF 2: Escape to Neverland – Will Ferrell makes a triumphant return as Buddy the Elf in the franchise’s next film. This time, Buddy will guide his entire family into Neverland on the back of a narwhal. Events in Neverland are still under wraps, but many speculate that the central conflict will involve a death match between Peter Pan and Buddy over who wears colorful tights better. 5. Napoleon Dynamite 1.5: The College Years – Another on a list of sequels we always knew we wanted, Napoleon’s saga continues as he becomes the godfather of Kipp’s child with LaFawnduh, navigates his freshman year of college and negotiates what it means to be friends with Pedro in a nation increasingly negative toward Mexican immigrants.

The Slant takes you to new heights.

Don’t forget: Sorority Add/ Drop Period has been extended. Through Sunday, January 25th at 11:59 P.M., students will be allowed to drop a sorority without a W on their record.

4. The Incredible Coffeeshop in the Middle of Nowhere – Following his outstanding win for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy at the Golden Globes for “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” Wes Anderson is slated to direct Coffeeshop, a delightfully poignant tale about a quirky gay barista who runs a hip coffee establishment out of his back porch in rural Arkansas. Anderson has said it will be a story about “growing up, discovering yourself, breaking out of your shell, finding love and understanding what it means to make a simple concept breathtakingly complicated and superficially meaningful.” 3. Avengers: The Age of Neutron – Joss Whedon’s next classic plans to be a doozy. The film will focus prominently on Tony Stark and Bruce Banner as they face off against James Isaac Neutron, the soft-serve-haired protagonist of the “Jimmy Neutron” television series. Whedon has so far kept most of the script and plot secret, but sources have promised a “kickass science fair” in which Banner, Stark and Neutron “fight to the death.” Other teasers include a possible cameo from an as-yet unidentified ginger man of diminutive stature. 2. The Hunger Games Part Five: Mockingjay Part Three, Remixed – This film will be the two previous Mockingjay films cut together with Jennifer Lawrence’s creepily remixed rendition of “The Hanging Tree” playing in the background as the only form of sound in the movie. 1. Harry Potter and the Revisionist History – Inspired by fan enthusiasm for all of J.K. Rowling’s comments on Twitter, this film will project on the big screen the hard-hitting tweets that made all of us fans gasp. From the startling revelation of Dumbledore’s blink-and-you-missed-it homosexuality to the defense of Snape’s obsession with Lily Evans Potter, this promises to portray even the most obtuse chances to incite audience riots.

Profile for The Slant

January 2015  

Vanderbilt's Humor and Satire Magazine "Polar Bear Vortex Engulfs Nashville"

January 2015  

Vanderbilt's Humor and Satire Magazine "Polar Bear Vortex Engulfs Nashville"

Profile for theslant
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