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November 10, 2011

volume 103 • issue 14 • thesheaf.com

Sheaf the

2011 Saskatchewan election results

49 9 0

Seats

The University of Saskatchewan student newspaper since 1912

Canadians vote for continuity in 2011 Sask. Party win the last in string of reelections for incumbents

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election coverage on page

photo collage Raisa Pezderic/Photo Editor

Brad Wall, Stephen Harper, Kathy Dunderdale and Dalton McGuinty. ISHMAEL N. DARO Editor-in-Chief The 2011 Saskatchewan provincial election caps off a great year for incumbent governments seeking re-election in Canada. All the elections this year have returned governing parties to power. The federal election in May started the trend by returning Stephen Harper’s Conservatives to power with a majority despite the strong last-minute performance by the New Democrats, led by the late Jack Layton. The other seven elections have kept pace, re-electing incumbents in Prince Edward Island, Manitoba, Newfoundland and Labrador, the Yukon, Ontario and now Saskatchewan. The Northwest Territories don’t vote by party affiliation, but only five members of the 19-seat legislature are new, and only one incumbent was defeated at the ballot box in the October election. The successful parties of the

last year represent no single point on the political spectrum; indeed, political ideology was rarely a focus as left-wing, centrist and right-wing parties all returned to power. This string of re-elections in Canada is all the more surprising given the turbulent electoral climates abroad. Still dealing with the fallout of the 2008 global financial meltdown, several countries opted to turf their governments for fresh faces including those in Ireland, Denmark and Portugal. Other incumbents such as Spain’s socialists and Italy’s right-wing coalition government look set to topple over economic management as well. Meanwhile, Canada has largely been spared the economic hardships suffered abroad, and this may have led to the “steady as she goes” attitude of voters across the country. Although it’s not new for governments seeking re-election to preach continuity, that rhetoric has definitely been a mainstay of elections this year.

Stephen Harper largely ran on his economic record, arguing that a change in government could “jeopardize the recovery.” Ontario’s Liberal premier Dalton McGuinty also ran on economic prudence, as did Greg Selinger’s NDP in Manitoba and Robert Ghiz’s Liberals in P.E.I. Newly re-elected Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall ran a similarly cautious campaign, promising little in the way of new spending. “The worldwide economy is not a stable thing right now. We can’t be overspending,” he said on Monday after his party’s landslide victory over the NDP. “We’ve got to make sure that we’re fiscally responsible and I think that’s a powerful message from the campaign as well.” The Sask. Party’s win on Nov. 7, although historic in its scale, was not altogether surprising. Saskatchewan voters have rewarded most governments with a second term; the last one-term government was a conservative coalition that

The successful parties of the last year represent no single point on the political spectrum; indeed, political ideology was rarely a focus as leftwing, centrist and right-wing parties all returned to power.

2&3

in this issue

Campus

Business students invest in the stock market.

Page 4

Life

Why living with your parents is awesome.

Page 6

Religion

Angry atheists should relax.

Page 7

UFC

UFC fighter Paul Daley’s fall from grace.

Page 13

Film

Johnny Depp back in the role of Hunter S. Thompson. was ousted in 1934, in the midst of the Great Depression. The Sask. Party received over 64 per cent of the vote, up about 13 points from four years ago. The NDP’s share of the popular vote dropped from 37 to 32 per cent. Voter turnout dropped from 76 in the last election to 66 per cent.

Page 14

Music

Toronto group Ohbijou talk about their music and their upcoming tour.

Page 16


2• News

thesheaf.com/news • the sheaf •November 10, 2011

Sask. Party wins second majority Wall and team garner biggest election win in province’s history TANNARA YELLAND & ISHMAEL N. DARO In an election that delivered precisely what was expected, the Saskatchewan Party handily won a second majority on Nov. 7. The Sask. Party picked up 64 per cent of the popular vote across the province, breaking the previous record for a single party’s share of the vote. That record was set in the 1912 election, when Walter Scott led the Liberal Party to a victory with just under 60 per cent of the vote. They will govern with 49 of the 58 legislative seats, 19 more than is required to form a majority government.

Editor-in-Chief: Ishmael N. Daro, editor@thesheaf. com Production Manager: Matthew Stefanson, layout@thesheaf. com Senior News Editor: Tannara Yelland, news@thesheaf. com Associate News Editor: Daryl Hofmann, news@thesheaf. com Photography Editor: Raisa Pezderic, photo@thesheaf. com Graphics Editor: Brianna Whitmore, graphics@ thesheaf.com

Arts Editor: Aren Bergstrom, arts@thesheaf. com Sports Editor: Kevin Menz, sports@thesheaf. com Opinions Editor: Michael Cuthbertson, opinions@ thesheaf.com Copy Editor: Holly Culp, copy@thesheaf. com Web Editor: Bryn Becker, web@thesheaf. com Ad & Business Manager: Shantelle Hrytsak, ads@thesheaf. com

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Corporation Number #204724 GST Registration Number 104824891 Second Class Mailing Registration. #330336 The Sheaf is printed at Transcontinental Printing Ltd. 838 56th St. Saskatoon, SK Circulation this issue: 6,000

The Sheaf is a non-profit incorporated and student-body funded by way of a direct levy paid by all part- and full-time undergraduate students at the University of Saskatchewan (U of S). Membership in the Society is open to undergraduate students at the U of S, but all members of the U of S community are encouraged to contribute to the newpaper. Opinions expressed in The Sheaf do not necessarily reflect those of The Sheaf Publishing Society Inc. The Sheaf reserves the right to refuse to accept or print any material deemed unfit for publication, as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. The Sheaf is published weekly during the academic year and monthly from May through August. The Editor-in-Chief has the right to veto any submission deemed unfit for the Society newspaper. In determining this, he/she will decide if the article or artwork would be of interest to a significant portion of the Society and benefit the welfare of Sheaf readers. The Sheaf will not publish any racist, sexist, homophobic, or libelous material.

The 27th Saskatchewan Legislature

NDP incurs devastating losses In its worst placement since 1982, the NDP lost 11 seats and saw its vote share dip by five per cent. Reduced to nine Members of the Legislative Assembly, the opposition caucus faces an uncertain future. Party leader Dwain Lingenfelter was defeated in Regina Douglas Park. He is the first provincial NDP or Co-operative Commonwealth Federation leader in Saskatchewan history to ever lose his seat. Lingenfelter waited until 10 p.m. to address the people and press at NDP headquarters, at which point he thanked everyone for their hard work and stepped down as leader of the party. He took full responsibility for the NDP’s poor showing, telling supporters the fault was his alone. “Not your fault at all, it was

Sask. Party celebrates dramatic victory In Swift Current, the mood was less gloom and doom and more jubilation. Newly re-elected Premier Wall addressed a large crowd in his childhood elementary school, and referred to the muchdiscussed “orange wave” of the federal election. “You’ve seen it in the federal election and in various provincial elections, and one might reasonably ask the question, ‘Where is that surge in the province of Saskatchewan?’ Well, what those folks might not know

Brianna Whitmore/Graphics Editor

mine,” he said. “And for that, I say I am sorry.” After an election the Sask. Party successfully framed as one about leadership, Lingenfelter acknowledged the appeal of the 45-year-old premier. “Brad Wall is a very, very popular leader,” Lingenfelter said of his rival. He added that the province’s economy is performing well, which helped the incumbent Sask. Party, but that this is also due to “the structure put in place by [NDP premiers] Lorne Calvert and Roy Romanow.” In addition to Lingenfelter, the NDP caucus lost its two other top leaders, who were both defeated by Sask. Party candidates. Deputy leader Deb Higgins has represented Moose Jaw Wakamow since 1999, but was defeated by Greg Lawrence. Judy Junor, the caucus chair for the NDP, lost to Corey Tochor in the Saskatoon Eastview constituency she was first elected to in a 1998

by-election, and which she has represented ever since. Tochor is a young entrepreneur whose business is related to the health care industry. Without any of the traditional leadership figures to guide them, the already marginal NDP caucus will face an even steeper battle to mount an effective opposition in legislature. Speculation had already begun on election night as to who might make a run for the party’s leadership. MLAs Cam Broten and Trent Wotherspoon, both re-elected on Nov. 7, are seen as potential candidates. Broten has served as education critic and is MLA for the Saskatoon Massey Place constituency. Wotherspoon was critic of finance, SaskPower and SaskEnergy and will once again represent the Regina Rosemont area.

is that in this province, green is the colour,” Wall said to the crowd after thanking his wife and children for their support. Wall closed out his victory speech with a decidedly optimistic line, telling his audience that “the only day better than today in Saskatchewan is tomorrow in Saskatchewan.” Wall has consistently topped the list of most popular premiers in Canada, and he has worked diligently since taking the reins of the Sask. Party in 2004 to present the image of a hard-working family man. Although the Sask. Party was a merger of Liberal and Progressive Conservative politicians, and Wall himself has a PC background, the young premier has led a safely centrist government since 2007. The Sask. Party’s previous leader, Elwin Hermanson,

seemingly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in the 2003 election after the NDP successfully painted him as too right-wing, particularly because of his ambiguous position on selling crown corporations like SaskTel and SaskPower. Particularly vocal on this issue, Wall has repeatedly reassured voters that a Sask. Party government has no intention of selling the crowns. The premier’s economic policies have been flexible, as highlighted by his very public rejection of the proposed takeover of PotashCorp by Australian mining company BHP Billiton in 2010.

Student candidates The four main parties fielded about a dozen student candidates; five ran for the NDP, four for the Green Party and one for the Sask. Party. The Liberal Party ran at least two, although they could not be reached for confirmation. Of these student candidates, only the Sask. Party candidate won. Jennifer Campeau, a University of Saskatchewan PhD student, will represent Saskatoon Fairview in the 27th Legislature. She beat NDP labour critic Andy Iwanchuk, who had represented the constituency for eight years. Of the two main parties, the Sask. Party had relatively modest education platforms, promising the creation of new scholarship and grant programs that would contribute to postsecondary students’ finances. The NDP, on the other hand, pinned its hopes on a tuition freeze, similar to what it had in place under the Calvert government. The U of S administration, among others, rejected this policy.


News

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/news

•3

government, leaving NDP gutted

Leading up to the election, the Sask. Party polled an astonishing 40 points ahead of the NDP, and was even leading them in the traditional NDP strongholds of Saskatoon and Regina. Perhaps in part because of this, voter turnout dropped from 2007’s 76 per cent down to 66 per cent. Despite this precipitous decline, Saskatchewan still saw a higher turnout than many provinces. Manitoba and Ontario, which both had elections earlier this fall, had respective turnout rates of 57 per cent and 42.9 per cent. Ontario voters set a record low for turnout even after witnessing a hotly contested race between the incumbent Liberals, led by Dalton McGuinty, and the Tim Hudak-led Progressive Conservatives. The May 2 federal election saw turnout of 61.4 per cent. This was a slight increase from the 2008 election, which set the record for lowest voter turnout at 58.8 per cent. However, the 2011 election has the third-lowest turnout of any federal election in Canadian history. Since 1971, turnout in Saskatchewan elections has only fallen below 70 per cent three times, including this most recent election.

Only nine women elected Only nine of the province’s 58 seats in the legislature will be held by female candidates following the Nov. 7 election. This is a drop from the 14 female MLAs who sat in the legislature prior to the campaign. Seven of the nine MLAs will be in government while two will be seated in the opposition benches. The Sask. Party and NDP fielded 10 and 14 female candidates, respectively. Both Deb Higgins and Judy Junor, senior members of the New Democratic caucus, were defeated on election night. The Sask. Party, meanwhile, has at least two senior women remaining: caucus chair Doreen Eagles and June Draude, one of the eight founding members of the party.

SK VOTER TURNOUT 848283 76 71 66 66 65

100 90 (%)

80

70

60 50

19 82 19 86 19 91 19 95 19 99 20 03 20 07 20 11

Low turnout still higher than other provinces

Brianna Whitmore/Graphics Editor

Whither the third parties? Both the Green Party of Saskatchewan the Saskatchewan Liberal Party failed to capture a seat on Nov. 7. This election seemed to mark the death throes of the oncemighty provincial Liberals. Six of the first nine premiers of Saskatchewan were Liberals but the party has been in long-term decline since the 1970s and only ran nine candidates this year. Much of the party’s support now rests with the centre-right Sask. Party. The party focused their efforts on winning party leader Ryan Bater’s seat in The Battlefords, but that ultimately failed as Bater won about 12 per cent of the vote, well behind the Sask. Party and NDP candidates. The Greens, meanwhile, celebrated the first time the party fielded a full slate of 58 candidates. Freshly minted leader Victor Lau announced early in the campaign that this represented the Greens overtaking the Liberals and becoming “Saskatchewan’s new third party.” Indeed, it seems like the Greens are experiencing slow but steady growth. Federally,

the party managed to elect its first Member of Parliament earlier this year, sending leader Elizabeth May to Ottawa. The provincial election saw Green votes increase by almost 2,300 from four years ago, going from two to three per cent of the popular vote. Lau ran in Regina Douglas Park against NDP leader Dwain Lingenfelter and Sask. Party candidate Russ Marchuk. Lau received almost seven per cent of the vote while Lingenfelter and Marchuk received 41 and 52 per cent, respectively. “That’s the election,” the Green Party said in an announcement on their website following the election results. “Greens needn’t be discouraged, as there are years ahead for us to reach more thousands of people, until the majority of voters see our platform is the most realistic means to keep Saskatchewan prosperous after the ‘boom’.”

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4• News

thesheaf.com/news • the Sheaf • November 10, 2011

Finance students to invest half-million New portfolio largest student-managed, for-credit trust in Canada DARYL HOFMANN Associate News Editor A class of senior finance students at the Edwards School of Business has been entrusted with $500,000 to invest and trade in the stock market. The George S. Dembroski studentmanaged portfolio trust was launched Nov. 3 as a crowd filled the centre foyer of the business school. The half-million dollar portfolio is the largest in Canada that allows finance students to invest real money for academic credit. “We are going to make it part of the fabric of our school,” announced ESB Dean Daphne Taras. “We [have devoted] two full courses from the undergraduate curriculum to this portfolio.” Since September, third- and fourth-year students enrolled in both newly developed courses have attended lectures together once a week to study investment banking. Now, they will begin to put theory into practice, their professor says, as they have begun to compile reports and will likely start investing by mid-November. The class is composed of eight groups, each of which is expected to do comprehensive corporate reporting and table buy-and-sell recommendations throughout the year. When a group makes a trade recommendation, there is a debate, a vote is conducted and a decision made. During class time, minutes are taken and made public. “We designed [the courses] to give students practical training and experience in the selection and management of financial assets through managing real money,” said

Raisa Pezderic/Photo Editor

Fourth-year finance student Dean Hanson with donor George Dembroski. finance professor and course instructor George Tannous. Tannous explained that while finance students at ESB have been taught “the science of investment banking” in the past, with real money they will learn the “art” of trading. “Dealing with real money, students will feel the joy and victory of good returns, and also the pain of losses,” Tannous said. A flatscreen monitor outside the classroom will display real-time information about the portfolio once students start investing. Also, the class will disclose even their losses to the public to ensure transparency, something Tannous said is uncommon.

“It’s pretty stressful,” said fourth-year finance major Dean Hanson. “It’s really made a big difference in the way that we take a look at picking stocks, and the way we decide what’s good and what’s bad.” Although some finance courses, for example COMM 367, require students to invest thousands in fake securities, Hanson says investing real money has completely changed the game. “You are a lot more concerned about the outcome when you’ve got skin in the game,” Hanson said. Early on, the class has been looking at safe, blue-chip stocks such as AT&T, Cameco, Barrick Gold and Viterra. “The consensus of the class is that the

economy is not robust, it is going to stay the same for a while before it starts picking up,” said Tannous. “The recommendation is that we should focus on stable companies. Should anything go wrong, they will be solid and won’t lose. But if the market takes off, we will be ready to move.” A major factor in developing these courses was to make money, said Tannous. A portion of the income students earn will be reinvested in the portfolio, while the remainder will be used for scholarships and sponsoring ESB events. But it is also an impressive resource for the school, and for students’ resumes. According to Kieron Kilduff, Saskatoon branch manager for BMO Nesbitt Burns, a student having the responsibility of managing a portfolio of this size will stand out at job interviews, and he says it should almost be mandatory if someone wants to pursue a job in the investment community. “There is no question in my mind that the students who put time into the program will come away with wonderful experience and a keen insight into what is involved in portfolio management,” Kilduff said. Roughly half of all finance majors eventually go on to careers as investment bankers, said Tannous. At the end of the school year in March, the portfolio will either be liquidated or possibly managed by masters students, until a new group of undergraduates takes over next fall.

Movember moustaches back in force USSU raises money for prostate cancer, fights gender stereotypes Nicole Barrington Once again, Movember has brought out the many moustaches on campus. For those who are not aware, the purpose of “Movember” — also known as No-Shave November — is to raise awareness for prostate cancer and raise funds for further research into the disease. Since 2007, the campaign has increased almost exponentially in popularity as well as donations — from $545,759 to last year’s $22.3

million in Canada alone. According to Keegan Epp, the University of Saskatchewan Students’ Union Pride Centre Co-ordinator, this growth has a great deal to do with the main website, movember.com, which has a familiar social-media feel. The website allows users to post pictures of their moustaches at varying stages of progress, and both users and non-users can donate money to encourage the growth. “You can sign up for a page under your own name on Movember’s website and link it to

Twitter and Facebook,” said Epp. He also noted the built-in competitive aspect of the website, which shows how each individual person, team and university rank in terms of donations. Members of the USSU, including Epp, have created their own “Mo Crew,” which has raised $610 dollars to date. As a whole — meaning various campus groups included — the University of Saskatchewan has raised approximately $2,500 thus far. Jason Kovitch, general manager of Louis’, has been a longtime spokesperson for the cause. He has hosted Movember-related events since 2009. “At first, we found that asking to donate a dollar was the quickest, easiest route,” said Kovitch. “Last year, we developed other promotions and ended up raising $3,500.” These events included contributing a dollar from every pint of Great Western beer to the cause, an event called the ’Stache Bash at the end of the month and the sale of Movemberthemed buttons. Since 2009, Louis’ has generated nearly $4,000 in donations. Although the restaurant has donated to other charities, Kovitch notes that Movember takes the cake in terms of popularity. “Nothing comes close to the buzz of Movember,” said Kovitch, adding, “The female staff is really behind it, too. They have been engaging and extremely supportive — there’s been a lot of camaraderie.” Elsewhere on campus, Help Center Coordinator Alex Werenka is donning a thick brown moustache that even Tom Selleck would be proud of. Although the moustache is fake, Werenka sees the month-long event as

a real, dual-purpose opportunity to promote the prevention of cancer while “transgressing gender binaries.” She had originally intended the moustache as a joke, sending an email to USSU staff members, which then escalated into a bet between her and Epp. “What happened was that I sent out an email with pictures of myself wearing a moustache, and then the staff started pledging money for me to do Movember. I also got the ladies of the USSU involved, and we did a poster photoshoot with moustaches.” Werenka believes the facial hair phenomenon to be a “good challenge and cause” in addition to promoting transgendered acceptance. She plans to sport the ’stache for the remainder of the month during work, and hopes to have a “Mo’ Sisters” event in the Arts Tunnel. “I think that lots of people embrace the opportunity to grow a moustache in November, and I do think that many are unaware that the origin of Movember is to raise money for prostate cancer research” said Epp, stressing the importance of “remembering what the actual cause is.” Whether their popularity stems from the marketing of Movember, current trends in facial hair or simply going au naturel, moustaches are having a substantial impact on campus consciousness, at least throughout the USSU. Moustache bets and simultaneous donations are being made throughout the month, all working toward preventing a disease that will affect 25,000 Canadian men this year. To make donations to the USSU’s Movember page, go to shf.me/ussumovember.


News

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/news

U of M president apologizes David Barnard addresses U of M’s role in residential school system SARAH PETZ The Manitoban (University of Manitoba) WINNIPEG (CUP) — University of Manitoba president David Barnard made history on Oct. 27, with a statement of apology for the university’s indirect role in the residential school system. The statement was made before the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in Halifax, N.S. Barnard is the first university president to formally apologize for perpetuating the system, which was launched by the Canadian government in the 19th century as a way to assimilate aboriginal children into Canadian society. Residential schools — the last of which closed in 1996 — are widely recognized today as abusive and a form of aggressive assimilation. While the university did not fund or help operate residential schools, Barnard apologized to the university’s 1,900 selfdeclared Aboriginal students, as well as to the U of M’s aboriginal staff, for failing “to recognize or challenge the forced assimilation of aboriginal peoples and the subsequent loss of their language, culture and traditions.” “That was a grave mistake. It is our responsibility. We are sorry,” he said. Visibly emotional, Barnard went on to explain that the U of M educated “and mentored individuals who became clergy, teachers, social workers, civil servants and politicians” who carried out policies aimed at the assimilation of aboriginal peoples in Manitoba. He also acknowledged the damage of the “Sixties Scoop,” a practice where many aboriginal children were taken from their biological families and adopted into nonaboriginal homes. Barnard said the university is committed to ensuring that the values “of First Nations, Métis and Inuit cultures and communities are included in scholarship and research across the university.” “In order to take the next step in advancing indigenous scholarship and the success of indigenous people, collectively as well as individually, we must acknowledge our mistakes, learn from them, apologize and move forward in a spirit of reconciliation,” he said. Approximately 50 U of M students and staff gathered at Migizii Agamik, formerly known as Aboriginal House, on the Fort Garry campus to watch a live streaming video broadcast of Barnard’s address. Florence Paynter, an elder-in-residence at Migizii Agamik and a survivor of the residential school system, said she felt the apology was “history in the making,” noting that the apology “extends itself to where people are being trained for the future in different fields.” “There has to be that attitude shift overall,” she said. Paynter said she felt the university had done a good job of fostering aboriginal achievement and being inclusive of the

aboriginal community on campus, but that it would be ideal if “sometime in the future” there was a full faculty of aboriginal studies at the U of M. “We know that education is the way to change what we’ve been through, but having a way to incorporate... our own histories is really key to instilling that pride our people have,” she said. When asked what reconciliation meant for her, Paynter explained that “it’s hard to define, and there are many facets of it.” “Each family has their own reconciliation and mine has been having to tell my children that we can’t teach them the language, and being asked later by a granddaughter, ‘Why didn’t you teach my mom so my mom can teach me?’” she said. “I think that’s one of the emotional hurdles we had to go through.” Mike Dorie, an arts student from Sagkeeng First Nation and co-president of the University of Manitoba Aboriginal Students Association, said he was surprised by Barnard’s apology but thought that it was one that needed to be made. Though too young to have gone through the residential school system himself, Dorie said that he has done extensive research on the system and its effects on First Nations peoples. “Everything that I’ve looked at, it’s always brought up emotions, because it reflects back on my life, on everything that I’ve had to go through,” he said. “Everything was affected — our language, our tradition, our culture. It was affected so badly that I feel I am a product of that loss.” Skip Gagnon, treasurer for UMASA, said that while he saw the apology as a positive move, “as an individual and unwilling participant of the sixties scoop... it doesn’t take away my memories of what happened... But overall, it’s a good thing that [Barnard] has done.” Gagnon said he felt that the U of M is doing enough work to ensure that the campus is inclusive of the aboriginal community, but pointed out “there can always be more” done. “There are always new ideas coming forward for building relations between aboriginals and non-aboriginals,” he said. He said he thought the university could “be more vocal” about the services they offer to aboriginal students by “opening up to aboriginal people, to those who want to attend university, letting them know that it is possible and within their reach.” “Most faculties have some form of aboriginal student representation. I’m just not sure if [the aboriginal community] outside of campus — those that are in high school that want to further their education — know what is offered here,” he said.

Have a hot news tip? Want to write for the news section? Attend the weekly news meeting at the Sheaf office. Wednesdays from 2:30 to 3:30 in 108 Memorial Union Building.

•5

in brief

Raisa Pezderic/Photo Editor

Have you seen Larry? Tall guy, walks around with bolt-cutters. He has my phone.

Campus experiences rash of locker thefts

The University of Saskatchewan has seen a disturbing number of locker thefts in recent weeks, according to Campus Safety. Harold Shiffman, manager of Campus Safety, told the Sheaf that “there does not seem to be a day that goes by where at least one person [doesn’t] report that their locker was broken into.” Thus far in 2011 there have been 109 service calls for theft under $5,000 on campus. In all of 2010 there were 105. There are lockers located in several buildings across campus and students must apply and pay to rent them for the academic year. Many of the thefts have taken place in the Arts and Agriculture buildings, and Shiffman said they “seem to be random.” But in all of the thefts the locks have been cut. Many students have reported that laptops and cellphones have been stolen. Because of this, Shiffman warned students that they should not leave expensive items in their lockers. Shiffman also urged students to report suspicious activity happening near lockers to campus safety.

Tim Hortons sets aim at Starbucks, introduces lattes and espresso

On Nov. 14, caffeine addicts in Ontario will be able to buy premium coffees from Tim Hortons rather than the equally ubiquitous Starbucks. The line will be introduced across the rest of Canada and the United States in mid-December. The new “Tim’s Café Favourites” line will feature cappuccinos, lattes and espresso. Tim Hortons CEO Paul House claimed in a press release that the company “carefully explored lattes for some time” before deciding to sell them. As Tim Hortons serves eight of every 10 cups of coffee sold at fast food restaurants in Canada, this move seems to be a direct attempt to bite into Starbucks’s customer base. Starbucks, founded in Seattle, Wash., has rapidly expanded throughout Canada in the last decade. The first Canadian Starbucks opened in 1987 in Vancouver; Tim Hortons opened its first location in 1964 in Hamilton, Ont. Canada now has over 1,000 Starbucks locations while there are more than 3,000 Tim Hortons locations. Starbucks lattes often cost upwards of $4, and Tim Hortons lattes and cappuccinos will start at $2.

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6• Opinions

thesheaf.com/opinions • the sheaf •November 10, 2011

Why it’s cool to live with your parents It’s cheap and easy — but no sex Faye Anderson All right, I’ll admit it. I live with my parents. Many students, upon hearing this, will look at you as though you are a poor excuse of a student and pathetic for taking advantage of the free rent and food offered by loving parents. Living with one’s parents has its pros and cons but right now the pros far outweigh the cons. Until that changes, my parents’ crib is where I’ll be staying. The first obviously awesome thing about living with one’s parents is the free rent and food. That alone saves me at least $800 a month — that’s $3,200 a term going into my pocket instead of a landlord’s. Living with parents is especially convenient when school gets heavy — midterms, term papers and final exams. Whenever I study and write papers, I have a fridge full of leftovers and stuff to put into sandwiches so I don’t need to worry about picking up groceries. I never end up starving because I didn’t have the time to buy food. Another awesome part of living with parents is that they have a collection of stuff from decades of living in the same house. My parents have at least 10 different kinds of tape and repair glue so that whenever I break anything, they have what I need to fix it. Throwing together a last-minute Halloween costume is never a problem for me because my parents have boxes of costume items they saved from Halloweens

Brianna Whitmore/Graphics Editor

past. Also, my parents’ house is equipped with a kick-ass HD TV with an even more kick-ass couch. Whenever I watch The National, I get to see Peter Mansbridge’s pores. The TV is that good (and it also has a PVR). I never truly realized how amazing my parents’ collection of stuff was until I moved away for a summer. I wasn’t able to make a fun concoction of cleaning products to clean up the food stain on the carpet. The

only cleaning product I had access to was No Name all-purpose cleaner. My parents’ house is full of comfort that only comes from a house that has been lived in by the same family for over a quarter of a century. There’s still that spot on the wall where we kids would get measured and you can see how much we have grown over the years. My family has had the same kitchen table since my parents bought the house, so the table is full of

wear and tear. There are marks from years of family dinners, nights of homework and hundreds of craft projects. But there are downsides to living with my parents. I could never bring somebody home for a wild night of bang-a-langing. Hell, I’m not even allowed to have boys in my bedroom with the door closed. But as I am currently consumed by midterms, term papers and the coming finals, I don’t have time for that shit anyway. Nor do I care to get involved with the confusion and drama associated with hook-ups and “seeing each other.” I also can’t just invite a group of friends over to chill. It’s my parents’ house and I respect that, so I don’t want to bring a group of friends over who will probably be loud and say things that are not appropriate for older ears. All in all, I have it pretty good. I don’t have younger siblings that get in my way, nor do my parents care to know where I am all the time. I can come and go as I please and as long as I have decent conversations with my parents a few times a week, everything is cool. My parents are basically “mature” roommates who buy me food and let me use all their stuff. To all you lucky ducks out there who are fortunate enough to still live with your parents, stop being embarrassed. Be loud and proud that they buy you chocolate milk and save you a shitload of money.

How to beat writer’s block My battle with a blinking cursor Kimberley Hartwig You pump yourself up, telling yourself you are going to crush this paper. This paper is going to be your bitch. You are confident, self-assured. You can do this! You are an intelligent university student, after all. But when the time comes, when you sit down in front of your computer to make the magic happen — nothing. All that stares back at you is the depressing emptiness of the

white page, not the groundbreaking, earthshattering ideas that you expected. The page is calling out to be written upon, it longs for words, for keystrokes or ink stains. It’s not long before your entire brain is frozen in a state of steadfast emptiness. You can almost hear the tumbleweeds rolling through your skull at that very moment. It’s not long before you are spiralling head-first into a never-ending pit of despair, pulling your hair out in frustration, verging on tears

of anger. But, you are not alone. More common than the common cold, more terrifying than the flesh eating virus and more of a turn-off than an STI is the most dreaded plague that can hit a university student: writer’s block. It can strike at any time, anywhere and no one is immune from its mind-numbing wrath. There are many strategies for how to beat the dreaded affliction but, like a bacteria, it only seems to multiply. And that’s what makes writer’s block so terrible: there is no over-the-counter cure. You can’t pop a pill and be done with it and you can’t sweat it out. You can try waiting it out but when it will end, one never knows. They say that necessity is the mother of invention but the more that clock keeps ticking and the closer you come to that inevitable deadline, the more hopeless your situation becomes. The only thing that can be done is to confront it head on. As a writer I’ve had many bouts of writer’s block and more often than not I come out of the ring battered and bruised. I cannot count the hours I spent banging my head against a wall, waiting for ideas to fall out — yet they never do. My battle with writer’s block usually follows the same pattern. Sit down in front of computer. Stare blankly at screen. Realize I need inspiration. Think about where I can get inspiration. The obvious answer: the Internet, duh. Go on the Internet and inevitably get distracted. Watch an entire ballet. Do I even

like ballet? Dance around my house before realizing I can’t dance. Realize I just wasted three hours doing absolutely nothing. Also realize that I am hungry. Can’t think on an empty stomach. Make an entire three course meal. Still nothing. Can’t think on a full stomach either. Stare out the window. Think I can get ideas by reading what other people have to say. Read things. Realize I suck at writing and can never be as good as these people. But, this is where the breakthrough comes. This is when I realize that of course I’m not as good a writer as some other people! I’m not getting paid to write; I’m paying to write. Actually, I’m paying a lot to write. And that means I can write whatever I want. That means if I really want to, I can write a 10page paper on drunken injuries and how they are best avoided or remedied — complete with pictures. Or I can write my life story, beginning with the day I realized my choice of major will most likely lead to a career at Starbucks. Of course, I won’t do this. I’ll settle on a more mundane, expected topic that will hopefully lead to a grade that won’t garner looks of scorn from my bill-footing parents.


Opinions

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/opinions

•7

The trouble with angry atheists Fighting for freedom, or just plain fighting? Michael Cuthbertson Opinions Editor Every day our Western world becomes more secular. Every Canadian faith is seeing a decline in worship service attendance — save for evangelical Christians. And according to StatsCanada over half of us age 15 to 29 either don’t have a religion or never attend worship services. These trends are welcomed by atheists who feel that faith necessitates intolerance and oppression of non-believers. But there’s an irony among many members of this “freethought” movement. As Alom Shaha of the Guardian points out, “Fanatical atheism can be as ugly as religious fanaticism.” There definitely are parallels between the two groups. Some atheists feel comfortable mocking the “Bible thumping” Christian — the person who quotes Jesus, insisting His words have peerless wisdom and authority. At the same time, there’s the liberal arts student who feels enraptured, even born-again, after reading God is not Great or The God Delusion. Reading these scriptures, many feel compelled to spread the gospel of atheism, to herd stray sheep back to the one true path: doubt. Now it’s not like atheists are burning Muslims or Christians at the stake for their beliefs. I understand religious leaders have persecuted people on a grander scale than angry atheists do. Still, some atheists are guilty of the very dogmatism and prejudice they criticize religions for. Christopher Hitchens famously remarked, “I’m absolutely convinced that the main source of hatred in the world is religion and organized religion, and I think it should be religion [that’s] treated with ridicule and hatred and contempt.” Far from ushering in free thought, Hitchens and his disciples are just like another “cult,” as their leader calls religion. They seek to mock and scorn all the heretics who don’t adopt their particular school of thought. Just like religious zealots, angry atheists believe things like “Only our system can better society!” and “Only we understand the true nature of existence.” And because of this, atheists feel a duty to antagonize religion — to show that atheism is the way and the truth and the life. In a piece called “Atheists and Anger,”

Brianna Whitmore/Graphics Editor

blogger Greta Christina writes that atheists must be angry because “anger has driven every major movement for social change in [America], and probably in the world.” She aptly cites movements for civil rights, women’s suffrage and gay rights as examples of anger-fuelled revolution. But it’s also self-important to liken destroying religious communities to movements that brought women the vote or ended segregated schooling. Still, the angry atheist tells me that by supporting communities of faith, I’m promoting hate and slaughter. They point out how grave atrocities like genocide and genital mutilation are still committed in the name of religion. So they say it naturally follows that we should cleanse the world of religion. Almost every anti-religious argument hinges on this same idea: that religious organizations hurt people. And they’re right; the institutions are the ones to blame. So why can’t we fix them? Consider pre-civil war America during which slavery was a legal institution. Should Americans have said, “Our constitution permits this atrocity; therefore democracy as a

whole must go?” Or was it better that America simply amended their constitution to abolish slavery? In the same way, religions can reform and “correct” themselves without losing their faith. Eventually the Catholic Church accepted heliocentricity. And more recently the Church began supporting the use of contraception — well, kind of. But I wonder if fanatical atheists would even be happy seeing religions accept modern science and ethics. Having spent high school as a Christian (and a member of the debate team) I’m tempted to say no. I’d like to believe angry atheists are fighting exclusively for social progress. But then I remember all those lunch hours I spent debating smarmy skeptics. And I learned one thing about some atheists. Nothing gets them off like watching a believer struggling to defend his or her faith. The same pettiness surfaces in atheist literature, but most clearly in forums like YouTube. Like a broken record, angry atheists fire wisecracks at only the most naïve believers. But we get it already. The Christians who support the Creation museum or respond to atheist arguments by reciting John 3:16 are uninformed. There’s no question that anyone who blindly follows their faith, without studying outside

sources, is ignorant. But an “enlightened” atheist, who derives smug, sadistic pleasure from watching the faithful squirm, is also a total ignoramus. I should know — I’ve played both these fools before. Anyone who truly believes in free-thought ought to accept religion and secularism alike. Too many people, atheists and believers alike, are blinded by their stupid tribal allegiances. Both groups need to open their minds. You religious folk would be wise to seek knowledge outside your religious community, to ask hard questions — if only to strengthen your faith. And here’s my advice to all the selfproclaimed angry atheists: pick your battles. Since you’re sure people who pray and worship are just wasting time, don’t waste your own complaining about them. And since you also know you can be righteous without religion, prove it by treating believers with respect and love. But maybe this is wishful thinking. Maybe that carpenter we crucified was more realistic when he warned, “If they persecuted me, they’ll also persecute you.”

The search for God is never-ending Finding god can change everything Charity Thiessen The question of God’s existence may seem irrelevant, unimportant or unanswerable. I believe He exists. I could attempt to prove that existence with rationalizations, scientific evidence or examples of miracles you may or may not believe. The problem is if you don’t care, it does not matter how well I argue the point anyway. Whether God exists or not is a slightly scary question to ask because there is no way to know where you will end up once you start searching for an answer. You could be left with nothing more than you started with, except maybe extra cynicism. Or you could end up a member of some fundamentalist religion. Or you may find God. Finding God changes everything.

Believing in God means I see beauty in everything around me as a reflection of God, and my heart breaks at the things in the world that try to destroy that beauty. I see a world that was made for my enjoyment and is my responsibility to take care of. I see God in the face of every person I pass on the street, and I am amazed at a God who is reflected in the diversity of every man and woman who has ever lived. Believing in God, I cannot live my life for myself (not with peace in my heart anyway) by seeking money, sex or a good time. But I get to find joy in everything I do because I know why I am alive. Biology textbooks tell us that all living, breathing beings came from a mess of prebiotic soup. But that doesn’t necessarily explain what brought things into being in the first place. It is honestly easier for

me to believe that something greater than me designed this body and that is why it functions with such precision. I believe the story from Genesis: God formed human beings out of the dust of the Earth, then filled our lungs with His own breath. Without the breath of God I would still be a pile of dirt. Every breath we take is witness to the Creator’s existence, whether we deny that existence or not. When we stop looking up and beyond what we can see to explain our existence and purpose, it leaves us digging a hole, and that hole just gets deeper and deeper. We can even end up questioning the reality of our very existence. Well, if I’m not proof that I exist then I don’t know what is. If there is no God, I would have to say that there is no hope. What is left to put our trust in? Nature? Humans? Organized religion?

Life is nothing without hope. But I have hope. I hope to live as many years as possible, because even if I make it to 120, I will not be able to do everything I would like to do. I have hope that this life is only the beginning, and I will have the chance to do more than I can even imagine. Daring to sincerely ask if God exists opens up an endless frontier to be explored. We cannot observe the different natures of an electron at the same time, but we can still know they exist. Maybe that electron shows us something of God. We definitely cannot comprehend all the aspects of God at once, but we can know He exists, and the possibilities of discovery are unending in Him.


8• Opinions

thesheaf.com/opinions • the Sheaf • November 10, 2011

Occupy critic is totally misinformed Where are the ‘benefits’ of your capitalist system? Sam Caldbick Last week’s article “Occupy Saskatoon is a waste of time: Protestors ignoring the benefits of a capitalist system” was an extremely ignorant, misinformed defence of a system that the writer Alex Quon clearly knows nothing about. The article had the potential to evoke questions regarding the efficacy of the local protest or alternative economic models; instead the readers were given an abysmal description of the capitalist system and the protesters that are opposed to it. Quon wrote, “In principle, I agree with the Occupy movement. It is unfair that one per cent of the population holds 40 per cent of the wealth, but this is life, and not to sound cliché, but life is unfair.” I need not go into much detail regarding the disturbingly outrageous claim implying that life is something we passively accept, with no ability, need or desire to alter the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Moreover, the writer then felt the need to reassure us that the wealthy are going through a tough time right now, presumably forced to decide whether to short or hedge their investments. It is as if we are supposed to accept the new normality in the economy in which the median compensation of workers to the salaries of their CEOs in the U.S. went from 30-1 in 1970 to 500-1 in 2000. Admittedly, the Canadian picture is not nearly as gloomy. However, one must acknowledge the decreasing policy space that is available to national governments, as nations’ economies become increasingly interconnected and bound to WTO agreements. Statements from the writer such as “the simple reason why the CEOs of big companies get paid so much is that they are highly qualified for their position” are of grave concern. It’s troubling hearing such a simplistic explanation of the status quo from anyone — let alone a student who is supposedly taught to think critically. A deeper examination of the article confuses me in regards to the actual thesis or point to be delivered. The only mention in the article regarding the benefits of the capitalist

system is the freedoms that accompany it. It is important to untangle what freedom truly means in a complex society. In a carefully constructed consumption economy, “freedom” may be more of an illusion in regards to what one can actually choose. Should I purchase shoes that were made in China or Vietnam? Additionally, as Raj Patel highlights in his book The Value of Nothing, in a system that embraces a free-market capitalist ideology, “freedom” is completely dependent on the amount of income and wealth one attains. If one is to support “freedom,” it would be important to consider the various forms of freedom and what implications they may have. For example, the market system has delivered us many positive freedoms such as the ability to choose one’s job, the ability to peacefully assemble and associate and free speech. However, in modern society we are also allowed the freedom to keep technological discoveries from being used for public benefit, such as vaccines and lifesaving medications. Interestingly, we are also allowed the freedom to make excessive gains without commensurable service to the community — a practice that is quite common with financial investors. Furthermore, the impression the writer displays regarding the beliefs of the Occupiers seems strangely fabricated. I don’t intend to speak on behalf of what is essentially a global movement, however I will take a chance and hypothesize that the movement is not philosophically based around the notion that “stoners could run a multi-million dollar company” as the writer suggests. As an intrigued observer of the international movement, I do not once recall reading that the protesters were after an even distribution of wealth. The heterogeneity of the group of protesters makes it plausible that some are for a command economy; however, since the fall of most communist economies in 1989, it is more likely that protesters subscribe to a managed market school of economic thought.

Mmm, the sweet, smooth taste of capitalism. I am on the other hand quite familiar with how unusually quick some are to use the labels socialist or communist when one criticizes free market ideology. The result, all too often, is the breakdown of critical discussion, which perhaps is the ultimate

Vermin Inc/Flickr

point of these protests. The article relies heavily on baseless claims and simplifications of what is undoubtedly a complex situation. Occupy Saskatoon may be a waste of time, but at this point critics have failed to prove why.

Why the top 1% has all the riches And why Occupy Wall Street can’t do much about it Bethany Godhe To quote one of my professors, “Wouldn’t it be great to be able to determine your own compensation?” This is essentially how top CEOs and executives have been getting along for the last several decades, and it has led to “the one per cent” getting richer each year. Lots of people hold stocks in public companies and enjoy voter rights within these corporations. Stockholders also get

paid regular dividends when the company is profitable. For every piece of common stock someone owns, they get one vote in that company. This includes voting for the board of directors, who are supposed to represent their interests and oversee the company. CEOs, usually chosen by this board, are tasked with running the business efficiently and returning a profit, to be shared among all stockholders. But in most large companies, top

College of Law

Admissions Information Session Thursday, Nov. 17, 2011 3:30 p.m.

Professor Mark Carter, the Chair of the Admissions Committee, will discuss the application and admissions process. Following a general presentation, students are encouraged to ask questions and then participate in an informal gathering where their individual situations can be discussed with members of the College of Law.

MacPherson Leslie & Tyerman Lecture Theatre, Room 150, College of Law

executives aren’t really interested in representing the stakeholders of the company. When election time come around, the common stockholder really doesn’t have a choice about whose names go on the ballot. Also, the CEOs of many large companies serve on each others’ boards and their own company boards, so accountability can be hard to enforce. What happens is that boards and CEOs can vote to increase their salaries and bonus packages even amid terrible mismanagement. This isn’t how the system is supposed to work. It is a huge conflict of interest, and this is how “the one per cent” came about. In large corporations in the United States, unfortunately, this sort of self-enrichment has largely become the norm. The Occupy movement addresses the fact that North America’s corporate executives are grossly overpaid, and their compensation usually has almost nothing to do with the performance of the companies they run. Especially when compared to their European

and Japanese counterparts. Our executives run on the notion that if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. To stop such abuses, like the Occupy movement wants, the whole system has to change. Corporations need to go back to a system where the board actually represents stockholder interests, and the CEO is held accountable to a board not made up entirely of his or her friends. Most CEOs in the States (and some in Canada) don’t get their gold-plated salaries and bonuses because they “work hard” or are the most qualified to run their companies. No, most of them get their multi-million dollar take-away pay because they have a direct or indirect say in how much they make — and their buddies on the board never seem to disagree. It’s no wonder why business students get a bad rap.


Opinions

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/opinions

The importance of Remembrance Day It’s not about the politics of war

Jordan Campbell

ERIN HIEBERT War has a rich and varied history within the realm of human existence. It has existed for millennia, touching every generation and will probably continue for a few more. While I may not live in a country torn apart by war, I am saddened by the fact I will never truly see peace in my lifetime. I am pro-Remembrance Day and antiwar. It strikes me as odd that there is an entire group of people who do not go to Remembrance Day ceremonies or wear poppies, and not because they have to work, but because they feel remembrance is a glorification of war. It seems even more odd that these people are not so much antiwar as they are pro-apathy. And it is this apathy that I find dangerous. When a young service member dies in Afghanistan they have their names read out on the news with minor details of their death. I cannot count the number of times someone has changed the channel from this, or complained aloud that they’re tired of hearing about the war. Being a veteran doesn’t seem to carry the same weight with our generation as it did with previous ones. Interest in our veterans and troops has become passé and as people my age are fighting overseas, I feel like it remains largely ignored by my coevals. But our apathy does not come from an illintentioned place; it comes from a lack of understanding and a disconnection with the

reality of war. This is why I feel we need Remembrance Day now more than ever. We are lucky that we can view war from a distance. The last battle fought on Canadian soil was the Northwest Rebellion. Unlike many people today, Canadians don’t have to worry about stepping off the road onto a land mine. I’ve never given one thought to what would happen if I lived in a place cut off from supplies due to war. I do not worry about war in general. We do not have a draft in Canada, I will never see a battle and this is true for most Canadians, yet people are starved, maimed and families are destroyed all over the world. I do not support war for the sake of war. But every once in a while our fundamental rights come under attack and when this happens our soldiers step in to defend us. Canada is a country that knows what it stands for. We believe in peace and freedom for all. If that means putting ourselves out there in order to defend it, we will. As a country we have shown our passion for this cause with our heavy involvement in peacekeeping missions. Without the defence of peace and freedom, we will never reach it.

Our apathy does not come from an ill-intentioned place; it comes from a lack of understanding and a disconnection with the reality of war.

Support for Remembrance Day is not a support for war. It is a reminder that while we may reap whatever benefits war has given us, there is always a net loss. The atrocities committed should never be forgotten. We should never forget that we lose a piece of our humanity with every battle fought. Remembrance Day is not about supporting war, it is simply one day a year we’re asked to reflect on what war means.

•9

letters

Dear Sheaf, I will not call Ishmael Daro a pedant. I could, but I won’t. I am also not the sort of person to be offended by foppish nitpicking of grammatical trivialities (“Please stop double-spacing,” Nov. 3). But on this occasion I feel the need to speak up and address the question of why we doublespace. Mr. Daro believes that sentences should be followed by nothing more than a single space, because terminal punctuation should receive no special treatment over other forms of punctuation. This is a premise I cannot accept. First, I will address his supposed complaints. 1) That double-spacing wastes pixels and paper. Open a document of greater than ten pages and convert singlespaces to double-spaces. Did the length change? Of course not. 2) Double-spacing takes extra time. Not true. My thumb moves swiftly across the spacebar, doubletapping in the manner of a beating heart, the movement vital to its function, faster than a thought. The layout of our text has changed over the years. The Ancient Greeks did not leave spaces between words. Medieval scholars did not allow for paragraph breaks. No one is suggesting we revert to these primitive forms, because the modern age has allowed us to lavish our prose across the page in any manner we wish. I know that the CP style guide would like to crack its mighty whip over the typing hands of everyone in the world, but I shall not allow it such a victory. I will happily leave single-spacing to those who value uniformity and the pretensions of order, who believe that a fracture in their meticulous system will cause all of literature to come crumbling down. But double-spaces are for those who command the respect from their reader. When I have finished a sentence, I fiercely double-tap the spacebar to say, “I have finished this sentence. Now bask in its glory!” The double-space does not care about the rules; it does not constrain itself by the decree of some newspaper editors in the ’80s. It does not need to be polite. The double-space is calm, it’s self-assured, it’s mighty, it’s dangerous, it’s naughty, it’s dirty. Use it more. Blair Woynarski LETTERS POLICY Letters intended for publication must be typed and are limited to a maximum of 300 words. Letters must include a real name; pseudonyms will only be allowed under special circumstances. The Sheaf reserves the right to refuse publication of any letter. Letters may be edited for clarity and length. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the Sheaf Publishing Society. Submitted letters become property of the Sheaf.

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10•Sports

thesheaf.com/sports • the sheaf • November 10, 2011

Huskies fall in semifinal Dogs’ post-season ends early with 27-22 loss to UBC COLE GUENTER The Huskies gave all they had in the Nov. 5 Canada West semifinal match-up against the UBC Thunderbirds, but saw their playoff dreams dashed by the No. 6 ranked team in Canadian university football. The game played at Thunderbird Stadium in Vancouver was a back-and-forth brawl that started slow but picked up momentum in the second half, ending with a 27-22 final score. With just under two minutes remaining in the game the Huskies fielded a punt on their own 11yard line. Behind 20-15, it seemed the perfect time to storm down the field for a dramatic comeback. The T-Birds defence, though, had other plans and stripped the ball from Huskies quarterback Jahlani Gilbert-Knorren on the second play of the drive. With terrific field position, UBC quarterback Billy Greene capitalized on the opportunity and hooked up with receiver David Scott for a 17-yard touchdown to extend their lead to 12 with only 1:21 left on the clock. The Huskies did manage to respond, however, by hustling downfield 60 yards for the major. But with only 33 seconds remaining, the Thunderbirds covered the ensuing onside kick and ran out the clock. “Turnovers were the big story. We had four interceptions and a fumble, and three of them were in the red zone,” explained Huskies head coach Brian Towriss. “The stats were all pretty even with the exception of turnovers. We turned the ball over at inopportune times, and it was the same kind of things that plagued us all year that hurt us again in this game.” There was a lot of worry

amongst the Huskies faithful that the Dogs wouldn’t be able to handle Greene and the highpowered offence of UBC. But the Dogs had nearly identical passing yards and almost 30 more rushing yards than UBC. The difference? Saskatchewan managed only two touchdowns on five attempts in the red zone. While the Thunderbirds only got inside the Huskies’ 20-yard line three times, they put up seven points each time. Add the Huskies’ five turnovers compared to the Thunderbirds’ one, and that’s the game-breaker. “The game Saturday was a microcosm of our entire year,” said Saskatchewan running back Ben Coakwell. “Our defence played well and our offence failed to capitalize when we needed to. We put successful drives together but did not convert them to points in the red zone.” The first half was full of missed opportunities from both sides. The Huskies kept turning the ball over and UBC struggled to move the ball against the Dogs’ defense. The Thunderbirds also weren’t able to convert any of their four interceptions into points. As well, UBC missed a field goal attempt on their first drive of the game. By halftime the score was only 3-3. Five minutes into the third quarter, the Thunderbirds offence was finally able to string together a seven-play, 82-yard drive that concluded with a three-yard pass from Greene to receiver Jordan Grieve for the major. Then on the T-Birds’ last drive of the quarter, following a 12-yard punt return combined with a 15-yard Huskies penalty, the UBC offence took over on Saskatchewan’s 38-yard line. After a ten-yard completion, Saskatchewan took another

Josh Curran/The Ubyssey

Ben Coakwell and the Huskies only capitalized on two of five red zone attempts. penalty, giving the Thunderbirds the ball on the 8-yard line. Billy Greene ran his way into the end zone two plays later and UBC was suddenly up 17-6 going into the final quarter. The Huskies gave up 135 penalty yards in the game, evidence that the team is still young and inexperienced. “We just were younger, and we made mistakes,” Towriss said of his team. “I think our overall maturity level wasn’t that high, and it resulted in penalties that put us in a hole. All the same, things that cost us during the year also hurt us in the playoffs.” Saskatchewan finally caught a break when the Thunderbirds fumbled a punt deep in their own territory and gave the ball back to the Huskies. On the following play the Dogs put up their first touchdown of the game on a 14yard toss from Gilbert-Knorren to Shane Dueck. The Huskies kicked off and the defence pinned UBC deep in their zone, forcing the T-Birds to give up a two point team safety. The score was 20-15 with six minutes to play, and it seemed as though the Huskies had momentum. The untimely fumble from Gilbert-Knorren, though, extinguished that momentum quickly, and they eventually had to walk into their dressing room defeated.

Nico Higgs tries to spark the Dogs. The UBC game also marked the last time Coakwell would play as a Huskie and, although disappointed, the running back spoke fondly of his time with the team. “It was my final season and I obviously wished things could have ended differently,” Coakwell said. “That, however, doesn’t change that the Huskies football

Josh Curran/The Ubyssey

program has taught me a lot over my career and I look forward to being a Huskie alum.” UBC now moves on to play against the Calgary Dinos in the Hardy Cup game for the Canada West title. That game takes place Nov. 11 in Calgary.

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Sports

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/sports

•11

Dogs hockey remains on top Despite first period snooze, Huskies men win two against Bisons

Michael Kaye slips trying to dodge a Bison defender. KEVIN MENZ Sports Editor A quick nap nearly caused the Huskies men’s hockey team their second loss of the season this past weekend at Rutherford Rink. Although they did come out with a 5-4 overtime win and 2-1 victory against the Manitoba Bisons on Nov. 4 and 5, respectively, the Bisons’ strong attack forced Saskatchewan to stay on its toes. In the first game, the Huskies — despite scoring two quick tallies early in the first period — gave up four goals in the final 10 minutes of the opening frame. Brendan Rowinski and Tyler Dittmer potted the first two for Manitoba while Matthew Lowry’s goal gave the Bisons the lead. Ian Duval would add Manitoba’s fourth with only two seconds remaining in the period.

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“We went for a five-minute snooze and they potted four on us late in the first,” said Saskatchewan forward Derek Hulak, but “we did a good job keeping our composure and battling back.” Andrew Bailey of the Huskies tipped in a Zak Stebner point shot midway through the second frame to pull the Dogs within one. Michael Kaye would tie the game in the third. In overtime, Hulak deked through two Bison defenders and buried the puck past Manitoba goaltender Joe Caligiuri. “I was lucky enough to be out there with a couple good players at the end of the game to set me up for that overtime winner,” said Hulak. Huskies goaltender David Reekie, who was shaky in the first period, did not allow a goal for the remainder of the game and made 36 saves in total. Caliguri stopped 27 shots. The second game looked like it was going to

sports in brief KEVIN MENZ Sports Editor

Huskies basketball: Men win 105-68, Women lose 79-68

Kent wins silver

The Huskies men’s and women’s basketball teams kicked off their 2011-12 campaigns on a positive note after putting up top-notch performances against the University of Regina Cougars. The men’s team crushed the Cougars 105-68 while the women, who were defeated 79-68, proved that despite graduating four of the country’s best players last season, they will still be strong competitors in the Canada West this year. In the men’s game, 20 steals by the Dogs — who are ranked number three in the country — prevented any offensive attack from the unranked Cougars. Evan Ostertag and Duncan Jones led Saskatchewan with 19 and 18 points, respectively, while Ben Baker totalled seven rebounds. In the women’s game, the Huskies matched the Cougars’ scoring up until late in the fourth quarter when Regina went on a 10-0 run that was too much for the Dogs to come back from. Rookie Dalyce Emmerson had a doubledouble in the game, putting up 19 points and 11 rebounds for the Huskies. Veteran Katie Miyazaki, who had six steals, also put up 19 points for the Dogs. Regina’s women’s team is currently ranked No. 1 in the country. Saskatchewan is fourth.

Huskies wrestler Kathleen Kent took home the 59-kilogram weight class’s silver medal last weekend at the Hargobind International wrestling competition in Burnaby and Surrey, B.C. The competition, which was held Nov. 4 and 5, featured several top American and Canadian college wrestlers, along with a few out-of-continent competitors. Kent, a third-year with the Huskies, won the silver last year as well. Teammates Koren Pitkethly (59 kg) and Landon Squires (96 kg) finished fifth in their respective weight classes.

Huskies men’s volleyball win first of season

After a tough start to the season, the Huskies men’s volleyball team have finally cracked the win column. A 3-1 (22-25, 25-15, 25-16, 26-24) win over the Regina Cougars Nov. 5 not only proved to be the Dogs’ first win of the season, but it also avenged a 3-1 loss to Regina on Nov. 3. Huskies Matthew Busse and Braden McLean led the match with 13 and 12 kills, respectively, while setter Chris Gilbert totalled 39 assists. McLean also put up an impressive .550 kill percentage. With the win, Saskatchewan moved to 1-3 on the season.

Raisa Pezderic/Photo Editor

Huskie Kyle Bortis shut down by Bison netminder Jesse Deckert. mimic the first, as both teams scored early. At 5:48 into the first frame, Kaye one-timed a Craig McCallum cross-ice pass hard into the bottom right corner of the Bison net. Five minutes later, Manitoba’s Del Cowan attacked the crease, pushing the puck past Huskies goaltender Ryan Holfeld just before the net slid off its moorings. That would be it for the Bisons, however, as Holfeld shut down the remaining Manitoba pressure. “Holfeld was a little jumpy in the first period but was unbelievable in the third,” said Huskies head coach Dave Adolph after the second game. “He was phenomenal,” added Hulak. “Holfeld stole the show for us tonight.” Saskatchewan went up 2-1 early in the second frame after Bailey scored his second deflection goal of the weekend. While Manitoba was relentless in their

attempts to even the game up, coming with flurry after flurry of scoring chances, Holfeld remained on top of his game. “I got a little lucky on a few shots from the point,” said Holfeld, adding that he was helped by his teammates blocking the Bisons’ shots. “Anytime that’s happening, it makes it a lot easier for me.” Holfeld finished with 32 saves in the game while Bison netminder Jesse Deckert had 27. The Huskies sit one point ahead of Alberta for first place in the conference. The Huskies men’s and women’s teams are off this weekend but will be back in action Nov. 18 and 19. The men will travel to Calgary to face the Dinos while the women will host the Dinos at home.


12• Sports Souter returns for a title Canada West Standings

thesheaf.com/sports • the Sheaf • November 10, 2011

Cross country star rejoins Huskies

Men’s basketball Standings

East

1. Saskatchewan 2. Alberta 3. Brandon 4. Calgary 5. Lethbridge 6. Manitoba 7. Winnipeg 8. Regina

1-0 1-1 1-1 1-1 1-1 1-1 1-1 0-1

West 1. Victoria 2. TRU 3. UFV 4. UBC 5. UBC Okanagan 6. TWU

2-0 1-1 1-1 0-0 0-0 0-2

Scoring 1. Justin King - TRU 2. Jordan Baker - AB 3. Kyle Coston - TWU

FG 20 15 15

Rebounds

GP 2 2. Justin King - TRU 2 T3. Derek Waldner - LETH 2 GP 1 2 2

Jodi Souter, centre, leads the pack. SHARAI SIEMENS After taking 2010 off from university competition, Jodi Souter has returned this year to make the Huskies women’s cross country team a contender for the Canada West title. Hailing from the small town of Pleasantdale, Sask., Souter had a late start in cross country when she began to run competitively in her grade 12 year in 2005. After placing fourth in cross country provincials that year, she joined her sister on both the University of Saskatchewan’s cross country and track and field teams in 2006. In her first year of competition at the university level, Souter was named the Canada West rookie of the year for cross country and was a nominee for Huskie Athletics female rookie of the year. In her next three years, Souter’s success continued as she earned several Canada West first team allstar honours. Her biggest success came in 2009, however, when Souter dominated the cross country scene as a fourth-year competitor. Remaining undefeated in all Canada West competitions she ran in, Souter grabbed the title of Canada West most valuable player in cross country. Her seventh-place finish at the Canadian Interuniversity Sport competition that year also earned her

a first team all-Canadian mention and a spot on Team Canada at the World University Games. In 2010, a season that was supposed to be her fifth and final year of eligibility, Souter took a break from university sport to focus on school and non-university competitions. “It was a good year for nonuniversity competitions in Canada, so it seemed like a perfect time to take a year off to focus on that,” said Souter. Now Souter has returned to the Huskies cross country team for her fifth year of eligibility and has managed to pick up where she left off. She has raced in four cross country meets so far and has placed first in each one. Most recently, she took first amongst all university competitors at the Stewart Cup in Edmonton on Oct. 29. “I’ve been doing OK at competitions but I haven’t felt strong. I felt strong at the Stewart Cup,” said Souter. The Huskies women’s cross country team finished first overall at the Stewart Cup. Souter believes that the team should be in the running for the Canada West Championship title on Nov. 12. Ranked fourth in Canada, Souter said that the team has never been this strong.

FT 11 8 11

Def. 21 20 16

Points 52 51 47 Total 33 26 20

No. 8 10 10

Steals

file photo by Jim Holmstrom/Huskie Athletics

3FG 1 3 6

Off. 12 6 4

1. Jordan Baker - AB

Assists 1. Jamelle Barrett - SASK 2. Zac Andrus - UVIC Chas Kok - TRU

No. 7 7 6

Blocked Shots

No. 4 4 2

GP 2 Dominic Coward - LETH 2 Paul Gareau - REG 1

1. Chad Erb - MAN

woMen’s basketball 2-0 2-0 2-0 1-0 0-2 0-2 0-2 0-1

GP 1 2 1

No. 6 11 5

Blocked Shots 1. Andria Carlyon - AB S. Kleysen - WPG Katie Miyazaki - SASK

GP 2 2 1

No. 4 4 2

1. TWU 2. UBC 3. Alberta 4. Manitoba 5. Winnipeg 6. Calgary 7. Regina 8. TRU 9. UBC Okanagan 10. Brandon 11. Saskatchewan

Points 1. Kyle Bortis - SASK Derek Hulak - SASK T3. Sean Ringrose - AB

2-0 1-1 1-1 0-2 0-0 0-0

GP 2 1 1 GP 2 2 2

FG 10 6 8 Off. 9 14 10

3FG 2 4 3 Def. 20 11 13

FT 22 5 1

Points 44 21 20

Blocks 1. Mariah Bruinsma - UBC 2. A. Keeping - UBC 3. Melanie Miazga - CGY

GP 10 10 16

Solo 0 0 2

Ast. 21 19 21

Kills 1. Krista Zubick - AB 2. Kristi Hunter - MAN Amy Leschied - TWU

GP 6 14 7

No. 25 52 26

Avg. 4.17 3.71 3.71

Digs 1. Erin Walsh - AB 2. T. A-Wasylik - WPG 3. Sarah Moncks - CGY

GP 6 15 16

No. 37 62 66

Avg. 6.17 4.13 4.12

Total 29 25 23

Assists 1. Derek Hulak - SASK 2. Kyle Bortis - SASK 3. Teigan Zahn - CGY

GP 10 10 10

Plus/Minus

GP 10 10 8

Total +10 +9 +6

GP 8 8 10

Total 59 38 37

2.

Penalty Minutes 1. Chad Erb - MAN 2. Dane Crowley - MAN 3. Ryan Pottruff - LETH

Total 21.0 19.0 23.0

Avg. 4.81 4.62 4.53

GP 14 16 16

No. 51 52 45

Avg. 3.64 3.25 2.81

2. S. Waldie - WPG 3. Derek Nieroda - MAN

No. 11 10 8

6-2-0 5-3-0 5-1-0 2-1-5 2-2-2 3-3-0 1-4-1

League Leaders Points 1. Julie Paetsch - SASK 2. Iya Gavrilova - CGY Elana Lovell - CGY

GP 8 6 6

Goals 1 5 4

Goals

GP 6 6 8

No. 5 4 4

GP 8 2. Tatiana Rafter - UBC 6 T3. Sarah Casorso - UBC 6

No. 9 4 3

Plus/Minus Iya Gavrilova - CGY 2. Calaine Inglis - CGY S. Ramsay - CGY

GP 6 6 6

Total +8 +7 +7

Penalty Minutes 1. N. Brown-John - UBC 2. H. Wickenheiser - CGY Nicole Pratt - AB

GP 6 2 8

Total 26 24 24

1.

No. 77 37 68

Digs

1. Lethbridge 2. Saskatchewan 3. Calgary 4. Alberta 5. Manitoba 6. Regina 7. UBC

Assists

GP 16 8 15

Totals 15 15 11

Standings

1. Julie Paetsch - SASK

Kills

Ast. 10 11 6

WoMen’s Hockey

B. George - SASK

Ast. 20 9 21

1. Ian Perry - UBC

Sean Ringrose - AB

T3. Mike Hellyer - MAN

2. Elana Lovell - CGY

Solo 6 2 4

3. Nate Speijer - UBCO

No. 5 5 5

1. Derek Hulak - SASK

4-0 2-0 2-0 3-1 3-1 1-3 1-3 1-3 1-3 1-3 1-3

GP 15 7 16

2. Steven Marshall - TWU

GP 7 Michael Wilgosh - UBC 8 Kyle Bortis - SASK 10

1. Iya Gavrilova - CGY

Blocks 1. Brett Uniat - UBCO 2. Tristan Aubry - AB 3. Joseph Brooks - MAN 1. Dane Pischke - MAN

Goals 5 4 5

Goals

League Leaders

League Leaders

GP 10 10 10

1. T. Stefishen - CGY

2-0 4-0 2-0 3-1 3-1 2-2 2-2 1-3 1-3 0-4 0-4

1. Manitoba 2. Alberta 3. TWU 4. UBC 5. UBC Okanagan 6. Brandon 7. Calgary 8. Regina 9. Saskatchewan 10. TRU 11. Winnipeg

7-1-1 6-2-2 6-4-0 4-2-2 4-2-2 2-6-1 2-5-1

League Leaders

Standings

West 1. TRU 2. TWU 3. Victoria 4. UFV 5. UBC 6. UBC Okanagan

Rebounds 1. Diane Schuetze - TRU 2. Natalie Nichols - LETH 3. Nicole Wierks - UFV

Steals 1. Katie Miyazaki - SASK 2. Nicole Wierks - UFV 3. Danielle Schmidt - REG

No. 15 7 11

Men’s volleyball

East

1. Winnipeg 2. Alberta 3. Calgary 4. Regina 5. Lethbridge 6. Manitoba 7. Brandon 8. Saskatchewan

Scoring 1. Diane Schuetze - TRU 2. Michelle Clark - REG 3. Joanna Zalesiak - REG

GP 2 1 2

1. Saskatchewan 2. Alberta 3. Calgary 4. Manitoba 5. UBC 6. Lethbridge 7. Regina

League Leaders

GP 2 Jordan Baker - AB 2 T3. Braedon Speer - MAN 2 1. K. Sansregret - MAN

Standings

Assists 1. Jenna Kaye - CGY 2. Joanna Zalesiak - REG T3. Megan Lang - CGY

Standings GP 2 2 2

Standings

woMen’s basketball

WOMen’s volleyball

League Leaders

Men’s Hockey

Total 26.0 11.0 25.0

Ast. 9 2 3

Totals 10 7 7

Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports... See? Sports writing is easy. thesheaf.com/contribute


Sports

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/sports

•13

‘Kill, kill, kill’ The cruel fate of UFC fighter Paul Daley CHRISTOPHER CURTIS The Link (Concordia University) MONTREAL (CUP) — As he stepped into the cage in the centre of a sparse Montreal crowd screaming for him to “kill, kill, kill,” it must have been difficult for Paul Daley not to realize how abrupt his fall from grace has been. When he last came to Montreal, just 16 months earlier, Daley was one win away from a shot at the Ultimate Fighting Championship welterweight title. There was a moment before his bout with Josh Koscheck, with the electric roar of 17,000 fans echoing through the Bell Centre, when you could almost feel the sky start to open up for him. Daley lost a gruelling three-round decision that night, but it wasn’t the loss that would get him blacklisted from UFC. Just after the final bell, in front of a television audience numbering in the millions, Daley calmly walked over to Koscheck and sucker-punched him. “Obviously, I feel terrible about what I did that night,” Daley says now. “In the heat of the moment, you do things you end up regretting, but I’ve apologized and I want to move on.” While he may spend the rest of his fighting days in exile from the UFC, which holds a virtual monopoly over combat sports, the 28-year-old Englishman is an easy sell for smaller promoters. Besides having a left hook that could knock out a horse, Daley looks exactly like a villain in a Guy Ritchie film. He’s short, stout and has an almost perfectly round head. A deep scar extends from his right eye and towards his cauliflower ear. He has a kind of subtle, alligator grin that reveals a gold-plated front tooth, and a blunt charm and charisma that seems to encapsulate cinematic British gangsters. Perhaps the greatest asset Daley brings to a small-time promoter is the guarantee that he will take a healthy dose of “the old ultra-violence” into the ring with him. Daley fights with a kind of calculated madness, punctuated by feats of daring creativity: flying knees, spinning elbows, wild kicks and the willingness to trade punches liberally. “When I step into the cage, I don’t look at it as a game with points and a scoring system. It’s a fight,” he said. “The other guy knows I’m going after him, he knows I’m trying to finish him no matter where the fight goes. I don’t think about it, I don’t get psyched up for it. I just go out there and fight the only way I know how.” After his dismissal from the UFC, Daley signed with the organization’s main competitor, a San Jose-based organization called Strikeforce. His three-fight stint with Strikeforce provided some of the most memorable mixed martial arts moments of the past year. His fight with top-ranked Nick Diaz, for instance, was a whirlwind

of a match that saw Daley knock his opponent down twice before succumbing to punches with just three seconds remaining in the first round. Strikeforce was eventually bought out by the UFC, sparking rumours that the league would be dismantled and raided for salvageable fighters by early 2012. “I don’t see Strikeforce surviving more than six months,” Daley said at a press conference on Oct. 19. “It’s unhealthy to have one company monopolize a sport. It’s like what was happening with Microsoft in the late ’90s. The government had to step in and regulate it. As a fighter, it takes away your ability to bargain for a better living. But I can’t worry about that; I’ll travel the world to beat dudes up if I need to.” As the UFC’s stranglehold over the market tightens, Daley finds himself having to take more fights for less money on regional circuits. In the past 13 months, he has fought seven times, rarely taking a moment away from training camp and almost constantly visiting dojos across North America and Europe in order to stay sharp. Before arriving in Montreal on fight week, Daley was living out of a suitcase in the Netherlands, where he was sparring with professional kick-boxers in preparation for his Oct. 21 bout with Luigi Fioravanti. Daley reportedly weighed in at a whopping 210 pounds before the fight — 40 pounds above his natural fighting weight. When asked how he planned on losing that much weight just 24 hours before weighins, he fired off a typical Paul Daley answer. “No eatin’, no drinkin’, lots of shitting, sauna-ing and sitting in hot baths. I might even have to chop something off. It weighs a lot, but I’ll just leave it at that,” he said in a thick London accent. “I’m banged up,” he admitted. “It’s rare that I’ll go into a fight completely healthy, but it’s what you have to do to remain relevant. After the Montreal fight, I’m thinking of taking some time off to heal up.” Indeed, while warming up during a public workout before the fight, the former contender looked wornout — occasionally missing his coach’s focus mitts with sluggish punches, his footwork stunted by a slight limp in his knee. But on fight night, in front of a small but ravenous Montreal crowd, Daley was on point. Ever the showman, he emerged from backstage holding a Quebec flag over his right shoulder like it was a baseball bat. As Daley walks to the ring, he doesn’t usually mean-mug for the camera; he rarely opts for the vacant-looking thousand-yard-stare one sees in so many other fighters’ faces. On Friday, Daley was sporting the old alligator grin on his way to the cage. He even had a little swagger in his step, as though he were walking through an English

disco. The ring announcer — adorned in a pinstriped suit, with a pink tie, pink dress shirt and a Mohawk haircut — began theatrically introducing the fighters. Daley looked across the cage to Fioravanti, also a former UFC employee, shrugged his shoulders and smiled as if to say, “We might as well make the best out of this.”

As a fighter, it takes away your ability to bargain for a better living. But I can’t worry about that; I’ll travel the world to beat dudes up if I need to. Paul Daley, mixed martial artist

Once the bell rang, Daley was completely in his element. Never mind the fact that he was matched up with a guy coming off a twofight losing streak, fighting in a promotion sponsored by a man who calls himself “The Truck King.” He was in a fight. Sure enough, he would step to Fioravanti with a series of hisses as he threw a six-punch combination. Every time Fioravanti fired back, Daley was already out of his range and setting up the next move. There’s something visceral about the feeling you get from the sound of a man’s shin connecting with his opponent’s ribs. MMA is all about these moments, when your heart stops beating as a fighter leaps at his opponent, staggering him with a flying knee or an inverted elbow strike, as Daley often does. He may not be fighting for a UFC championship, but as long as Daley can keep those sensations alive in his audiences, he should be able to find gainful employment in the fight world. Even if the stands are halfempty and the crowd is screaming, “Turn on the machine, Daley! Kill him!”

Riley Sparks/The Link


14•Arts

thesheaf.com/arts • the sheaf •November 10, 2011

Solving the mystery of Anonymous

Roland Emmerich’s Shakespeare drama has no reason to exist NICHOLAS KINDRACHUK

Was Shakespeare a fraud? No, but Anonymous, the latest film from ridiculous director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day) decided to explore the idea anyway. After watching this film, it is puzzling to think about who exactly it was made for. The people who know the details of Shakespeare’s works are nothing but offended by the idea of this film, especially because the film’s marketing tried to sell this idea as true. That leaves the “common” person who may have read a little bit of Shakespeare in high school and university and maybe even saw the importance and beauty of such works, but never really explored them. One cannot forget those who also attempted to read the plays in school, but found them impossible to understand and frustrating — thus generating a hatred for all things Shakespeare. Anonymous does not play to any of these groups of people. The entire existence of the film is completely bewildering. As for the quality of the movie itself, it is your standard Roland Emmerich affair — all style, no substance. However, it seems as though Emmerich lucked out on his cast since they make the film at least somewhat entertaining and watchable from start to finish. Notably, Rhys Ifans (who plays the Earl of Oxford, Edward de Vere, who supposedly wrote Shakespeare’s works) plays the part so well that sometimes (only for a few seconds, mind you) you can believe that he did actually write

Vanessa Redgrave looks horrifying as Queen Elizabeth. Shakespeare’s plays. The movie begins with a bizarre meta twist taking place in a theatre in the present day, then proceeds to a flashback depicting the historical events of Shakespeare’s time. This strange beginning shows what viewers are in store for. The movie is littered with flashbacks to early in de Vere’s life and the drama that ensues is unexpected. The film does not just revolve around the writings of Shakespeare as it is also a political drama that uses the plays as a sort of political

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and revolutionary motivator. The best parts of the film are when they show Shakespeare’s plays being acted out on stage with the audience reactions. What’s bizarre is how the film portrays Shakespeare himself. He comes off like a drunken, idiotic actor desperate for the spotlight. He is completely self-interested, only concerned with money and fame. He is also portrayed as illiterate (he can read, but does not know how to write). This is a huge leap of faith to make

considering how little is actually known about Shakespeare. However, everything about the character seems completely made up. In a lot of ways, the portrayal of Shakespeare ends up oddly comedic, as if he is somehow the comic relief as well as a bit of a villain. Fans of Shakespeare are bound to be a bit offended by the character, for he is pretty much complete scum throughout the movie and has no redeeming features except for the odd comedic moment. As one can expect with Emmerich, the movie has a certain visual flair. There is a distinct Elizabethan feel to the images, although it does give the impression that it is set in some alternate history. A lot of the flare doesn’t come from the camera work, but from the editing and the way in which they handle cutting to the flashbacks. Anonymous was able to hold my attention and that’s really the only compliment I have for it. There is absolutely no reason for this movie to exist. It is nothing more than a boring piece of hypothetical fiction based loosely on history. Although Anonymous is not nearly as embarrassing as it could have been, it is destined to be forgotten. And for the most part, it probably already has.

Anonymous is currently playing at Centre Cinemas.

Gonzo journalism with The Rum Diary Johnny Depp is at his best playing Hunter S. Thompson NICOLE BARRINGTON

Johnny Depp once again perfectly manifests himself as gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson — this time incarnated as Paul Kemp, circa 1961 in Puerto Rico. As before, The Rum Diary focuses on the search for the “American dream,” alongside drug and alcohol-fueled shenanigans. Kemp is an American journalist with a minor drinking problem and a serious lack of commitment — a character very true to the real Thompson.. He is also the only applicant for a potential job as a horoscope/lifestyle writer for a local paper in San Juan. According to the perpetually-stressed editor of the newspaper, Edward Lotterman (Richard Jenkins), the main purpose of the San Juan Star is to make San Juan look attractive to tourists. As Kemp witnesses, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico is mined as a tourist attraction, a place for investors to flourish at the expense of the local populace. Essentially, Kemp’s job is to write mind-numbing drivel that locals resent and American visitors will happily consume. One of the most developed roles is Sala, a correspondent working for Lotterman at the San Juan Star. He is The Rum Diary’s equivalent of Benicio Del Toro’s Dr. Gonzo in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas — someone who drives the action, never without booze and illegal drugs. He is also particularly helpful for the audience, explaining some of the characters (which otherwise wouldn’t happen) and shows Kemp the rum-soaked ropes of Puerto Rico. Among others at the paper, Sala is aware that the whole operation is going downhill, as it was only meant to be a foot in the door for the

Johnny Depp’s Paul Kemp racing through the streets of San Juan. American presence. This is revealed right off the bat, as Kemp weaves his way through an ocean of once-employed locals who have been replaced with printing machines. As the story unfolds, the audience feels the dangerously tense political atmosphere of the movie’s setting. One of the more credible things about The Rum Diary is this accurate portrayal of the relationship between Puerto Rico and its manipulative foreign investors at the start of the Cold War era. One of Kemp’s wealthy acquaintances is an

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American named Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart), a businessman interested in building multiple hotels on the island and Kemp soon finds himself entwined in a lacklustre romance with Sanderson’s fiancée, Chenault. It’s never explained or revealed what her purpose is, other than to be arm-candy. These two characters play vital roles in propelling the plot yet remain superficial and underdeveloped. Other than enjoying their privacy and fancy cars, not much is revealed about either of them in terms of motives. For

an antagonist, Sanderson should have been more involved in the dialogue, as his character seemed far too stereotypical-corporate-tycoon to be a true Thompson creation. Alongside Sanderson, two other minor moneybags attempt to swindle Kemp into writing vacation pamphlets. Thankfully, Depp can embody his character perfectly, and gets the audience to feel his discomfort in these reoccurring situations. Surprisingly, neither Kemp nor any of his other self-destructive journalist comrades ever take the various opportunities to fight the misfortunes and insults they are dealt. Along with this lack of resolution, the two-dimensional portrayals of Chenault and Sanderson leave the audience with unanswered questions. As the plot unravels, it becomes apparent that Chenault is strictly a love-interest, which doesn’t seem appropriate for a Thompson story. Meanwhile, millionaire Sanderson never seeks revenge and lazily exits the movie telling Kemp that he messed up a massively profitable deal. Overall, this movie leaves too many loose ends, has no comprehensive plot — something that should have been adjusted from the novel — and is a tad too Hollywood for the true Hunter S. Thompson fan. Luckily, Depp’s redeeming presence alongside bizarre antics (such as being cock-blocked by the Führer) make up for any lost quality.

The Rum Diary is currently playing at Galaxy Cinemas.


Arts

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/arts

Could we cast an Iron Man?

•15

New book Inventing Iron Man blends comics and science

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JENNY BOYCHUK The Martlet (University of Victoria) VICTORIA (CUP) — Have you ever thought about the possibility of a real-life superhero? University of Victoria neuroscience and kinesiology professor Dr. E. Paul Zehr discusses how it might be done in his new book, Inventing Iron Man: The Possibility of a Human Machine. Zehr’s book examines what the under-layers of an Iron Man suit might look like, and how one could be constructed for real-life purposes such as physical rehabilitation after a stroke or spinal cord injury. “I tried to use a pop culture icon as a medium to explore science,” said Zehr. “Because we live in an age of technology, what can we do to try to amplify biology with technology? That’s sort of the theme with Inventing Iron Man. In particular, an area of amplification is the idea of using the brain to control devices.” Zehr has a philosophy about education and educating the public, which is to use a common ground. “There’s a lot of science in here, but I’m trying to put it in a way that’s interesting for people,” said Zehr. Although a seemingly unlikely duo, Zehr explained that science and comics complement each other well. He discovered this thanks

If only we could all have our own personal Iron Man suits. One day! to his last book on a similar topic, Becoming Batman. “One of the really unexpected things that came from Becoming Batman was that I took a piece of pop culture and I tried to talk about it [scientifically], but it made its way back into pop culture,” said Zehr. “Grant Morrison was writing a Batman run and he was talking about reading my book and how it influenced how he was writing Batman.” Zehr says comics have often foreshadowed what we have in the real world today. “When I was thinking about brain-machine interface and where we are now, if we go back to early ’90s comics, there’s some imagery around brain ports and things that actually look a lot like what we have in real brain-machine interface now,” said Zehr. “These same kind of connections actually go into real people now, but were thought and written about in Iron Man comics in 1993.”

While the idea of an Iron Man suit is exciting, there would also be many risks. “It leads into all areas of discussion on rehabilitation — there are probably some negative things that could happen to your brain if you were connected to a machine,” said Zehr. “When we think of a superhero like Iron Man and of being connected to the suit to use it, we also have to realize it’s connected to us.” Zehr notes that part of the book’s purpose is to make readers realize that Iron Man’s armour is not just an article of clothing. “A personal Iron Man suit doesn’t exist currently, but if it did, how could you control it? You wouldn’t be able to use it just like wearing clothing — you would have to actually use it in a direct connection with your body,” said Zehr. “And if, for example, the computer system was hacked, you would also be hacked — not just the suit.”

Vimy in time for Remembrance Day Live Five’s latest play is a strong drama MATT CHEETHAM

Vern Thiessen’s Vimy is the first show of the season for the local non-profit theatre organization Live Five, telling the story of a nurse tending four wounded Canadian soldiers recovering at a field hospital during the First World War. It is directed by Natasha Martina and stars many current and former U of S drama students. While the play is built around the themes, symbols and actions of the First World War, it is not a play explicitly about war. Instead it is a character study that weaves the characters’ present states with flashbacks showing how they were injured. Thiessen doesn’t intend the play as a statement or critique, but merely wants the audience to understand the characters and their

circumstances. Vimy is well-written and its narrative successfully balances the present action with flashbacks. The characters evoke our sympathy as their pasts are slowly revealed during the play’s two-hour duration. Martina did an excellent job directing the actors, helping them to present a raw and viscerally emotional state. Stephen Wade’s set is simple but effective. The acting in particular is incredible. Nathan Howe and Arron Naytowhow manage to bring a wealth of both humour and sadness to their characters J.P. and Mike. Anthony MacMahon is particularly affecting as Sid, a recently blinded solider who is now unsure of his future. Ed Mendez is quietly charming. As Nova Scotian nurse Clare, Lauren Holfeuer is wonderfully tragic in how she deals not only with the patients but also in the unresolved matter of her

missing beau, Laurie, played in a brief but wonderful performance by Andrew Taylor. Vimy is quite the kickoff to Live Five’s season. The play is engaging, balances both humour and drama, and has a haunting presence throughout. It goes by quickly and is over before you know it. Vimy is a wonderful way to spend an evening around this Remembrance Day.

Vimy’s last remainin shows at the Refinery take place at 8 p.m. on Nov. 10 to 13. Tickets are available online at ontheboards.ca or at the door.

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Zehr said that the key to scientific advances is that they often change people’s perspectives. “I think the biggest thing about advances in science is that we get constrained by our paradigms and the normal things we do,” said Zehr. “This [book] kind of helps break those molds a little bit — it makes you think outside of it all.”


16• Arts

thesheaf.com/arts • the Sheaf • November 10, 2011

It’s Ohbijou time! Interviewing the six-piece Toronto band as they tour across Canada ALEX WERENKA

our set and that’s something that I’ve really stuck to. Drinking beer dries up your voice.

Toronto’s Ohbijou recently released their third album, Metal Meets, adding to the momentum gained from Beacons in 2009. Metal Meets is sure to render success and has the mature feel that only comes with years of touring. Although many band members pursue side projects, when working on albums as Ohbijou it becomes “Ohbijou time” and their focus and consistency continues to produce phenomenal records. The band has aged gracefully, staying largely true to their eclectic instrumentals and hauntingly angelic vocals. Their tour began on Nov. 2 in New York City, and will find its way to Saskatoon where they will play Amigos on Nov. 13. Lead singer, Casey Mecija, who also shares guitar duties, spoke to the Sheaf last week to discuss the latest album and tour. Your new album Metal Meets came out just over a month ago. How is this album different?

I think that the big change in the making of the album was that we did a lot of writing for the record and arranging for the record in a cabin in a small town called Dyer’s Bay. We did a lot of writing there and then took all of our ideas and all of our demos to Montreal where we recorded in a studio with Jace Lasek (of Montreal band The Besnard Lakes), who’s actually from Saskatchewan.

Are you excited to be on the road again?

Yes and no. I think that it’s always hard to be away from home, but we worked really hard on the

Was there ever a band breakup that broke your heart?

The Constantines. I don’t know if it was ever officially written that they broke up or not but the fact that we don’t get to see them play as often is pretty heartbreaking because they’re one of my all-time favourite bands. Oh, and Eric’s Trip.

Would you rather win a Juno or the Polaris prize?

Apparently most band members have difficulties looking at one focal point. record so sharing it with audiences is something that we are always anticipating and getting excited for. What is the biggest challenge you face while on the road?

Finding food that’s healthy. When we were on the road heading east a couple weeks ago, all you can eat is bread. The only thing that you can get at truck stops and anywhere off the highway is just a bunch of sandwiches and bread. At the end of a tour your body just starts to feel like poison. So I think that we’re all packing dehydrated fruit and all that stuff just to try and stay healthy. You end up eating at Subway so you can get lettuce.

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When you’re travelling during a tour, how do you pass the time?

Well especially for the tour coming out west, where we have consecutive 10-hour drives, we do a lot of sitting and reading and watching stuff on our laptops and talking to each other.

Do you have any car games that you play?

We on occasion have played the “never have I ever” game and that’s exciting for, you know, like 10 minutes, then you’re back to watching something on your computer.

Do you have any current TV addictions or movies that you’re excited to catch up on?

For some reason I’m totally addicted to that show Chopped on the Food Network. It’s just these chefs, they’re given this mystery basket of ingredients and they have to cook three different courses and it’s just, I feel like with reality television it takes so long and you have to get invested in these characters, but with Chopped it’s just one episode and then you say goodbye to the characters and they’re new ones next week. The cellist and I are totally into this show for some reason.

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What Canadian city are you most excited for?

That’s hard. It’s so nice to just see Canada sort of unravel while driving on the highway and making short stops at places. I really like the prairies into the mountains. I think that that is just such a beautiful drive and I always say that I love the prairies so much, something about how quiet it feels.

You’ve been to Saskatoon several times, are you excited to come back?

Yeah, our drummer actually recorded or did something on the Slow Down Molasses album — I think he mixed it. I think they’re a really great band from Saskatoon. We’re friends with the guy who runs the mixing board at Amigos and we always look forward to those big burritos. It’s a fun time in Saskatoon and we really, really like it.

Do you have any pre-concert rituals or any superstitions that you need to adhere to before you can play?

I don’t know about the other band mates, but something that I do all the time is I don’t drink before a show. If I do have a beer, it’s always after

I don’t think the Juno gives you any money.... I think that’s because right now the climate of music is I think very difficult for bands to make a living off their craft. I think that awards like Polaris, because they come attached with an award of money is really helpful to bands that you know need to fix the van or pay a producer and things like that. So I would say a Polaris. The Polaris reception seems like a pretty good time. Jennifer and I played with Final Fantasy on the first Polaris awards and then Jenny played with Timber Timbre in the last awards. So it’s definitely a really fun time and fun party.

Where are you going next for your music? This album just came out, so are you going to start writing songs while on the road or is it on the back burner?

It’s kind of on the back burner. Our band members have different projects that they are committed to, you know, they have solo projects. I’d love to record an album of songs of my own and things like that. Right now it’s Ohbijou time and it’s a lot of fun, and it’s also fun to channel creative ideas onto different projects.

Last question, describe your perfect Sunday.

Just being in bed and watching movies.

Ohbijou plays Amigos on Nov. 13.

Editor’s Pick of the Week Blue Velvet on Blu-ray

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Anyone who has yet to experience the beautiful, twisted masterpiece that is David Lynch’s Blue Velvet needs to rectify that immediately. Luckily, this week is a perfect opportunity to do so as Lynch’s seminal classic is released on Blu-ray. It marks the first of Lynch’s films, excluding Dune, to be upgraded to high definition (in North America) and the chance to see Lynch’s haunting visuals of the seedy underbelly of Mid-Western suburban America cannot be passed up. The film’s highlights are too

vast to list. It is the best film by a strange, enigmatic director who has many masterpieces. It is largely responsible for introducing the wonderful, underused Kyle MacLachlan to the world. It will forever change how you listen to Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams.” It features Dennis Hopper at his best as the deranged, oxygen-mask wearing rapist with a velvet fetish, Frank Booth. It is twisted and hilarious and probably the most brilliant example of transcendental filmmaking combined with a standard narrative. Special features include the infamous scene in which a hooker lights her nipples on fire — an almost mythical scene constantly talked about by Lynch and Lynch

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enthusiasts. That scene alone would make it worth buying for Lynch fans. As for everyone else, the Bluray release is the best opportunity for the masses to become acquainted with this dark masterpiece.


Arts

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com/arts

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AMC rides the rails Series premiere of Hell on Wheels is a messy but promising Western AREN BERGSTROM Arts Editor

After the Civil War tore North and South apart, America was repaired by a union of East and West through the Union Pacific Railroad. That’s the history lesson behind Hell on Wheels, the latest creation from the cable broadcaster that brought us such distinguished programs as Breaking Bad, Mad Men and The Walking Dead — and The Killing, which is a bizarre, compelling, idiotic, utterly watchable entity in its own right. Hell on Wheels lacks the depth and focus and general superlative writing of Breaking Bad and Mad Men, and can’t capture the overwhelming atmosphere of The Walking Dead, but there are enough elements in it to make for a compelling show. Hell on Wheels is the story of Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount), a former Confederate soldier looking for revenge on the Union soldiers who killed his wife during the war. In the first scene in the show, we see Bohannon posing as a priest taking the confession of one of his wife’s assailants before sliding the confessional screen open and blowing the man away. Right from the get-go, this show aims to have its morality muddy and its main character a bona fide badass. On his quest for vengeance, Bohannon gets a job as a boss man at a Union Pacific Railroad construction sight where he becomes entangled with a bitter former slave, Elam, played by the rapper Common. That’s as far as we get in Bohannon’s story in

Anson Mount’s Cullen Bohannon sauntering through the railroad camp. the first episode. Unfortunately for the show, there are a lot of subplots that populate the screen when Bohannon is not seeking out justice, not all of them good. The good subplot follows Thomas “Doc” Durant (Colm Meaney), the bureaucratic blowhard behind the railroad’s construction, as he forces a senator into compliance and expounds upon how history will misrepresent his great quest for the nation’s unification. There’s also a plot following a preacher played by Tom Noonan hoping

to start a mission in the midst of the railroad’s debauchery, which hopefully will bear fruit. The bad subplot follows two laughable lovers working for the railroad who get mixed up in an attack by Cheyenne Native Americans. And then there are these two baffling Irish brothers who try to serve as comic relief but end up being too reminiscent of Marty McFly’s Irish greatgrandfather (also played by Michael J. Fox) in Back to the Future Part III to be taken as real characters.

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The show is best when it follows Bohannon, although the character is not written perfectly. In that uniquely muddled way Hollywood has of writing Confederate heroes, Bohannon is a Confederate soldier who owned slaves but who freed them before the Civil War, in which he fought purely for honour’s sake. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? Still, Bohannon has the makings to be an adequate avenging man in black. Anson Mount, best known for playing the dude that Britney Spears and company shack up with

in the 2002 travesty Crossroads, wipes away memories of that misstep, playing tortured and steely-eyed but not stoic to a fault. He’s playing an archetype here and knows that roles like this work best when you mostly stay out of their way and let screen presence and the plot’s necessity for heroic badassery do the job. Colm Meaney’s Thomas Durant is also very compelling. Meaney was a television mainstay in the ’90s with his role as Chief O’Brien on Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine. Here he hits the right amount of hubris and selfknowing villainy. Critics have said that Meaney’s Durant is Hell on Wheels’ answer to Ian McShane’s Al Swearengen from Deadwood. Only time will tell whether that is an accurate comparison. Hell on Wheels is a hodgepodge of Western tropes borrowing from everything from Sergio Leone to Sam Peckinpah to John Wayne to Cormac McCarthy, and not all the borrowing is equally successful. Showrunners Joe and Tony Gayton are not masters of cinema and so their show is far more a work in progress than a polished product. But the elements are in place for a compelling show as long as the Gayton brothers trim the excessive writing and characters. Westerns are uniquely suited to television. While Hell on Wheels isn’t likely to usher in a Silver Age of the television Western, nor even to repeat the critical success of Deadwood, its genre trappings alone give cause to ride the rails for a season. Hell on Wheels plays at 9 p.m. on Sundays on AMC.

The appeal of Community Why you need to be watching TV’s zaniest comedy KEEGAN ELLIOT

Two months ago, if you had asked me about a show called Community, aired on NBC, about a group of seven people who randomly get together to form a study group at their local community college, I wouldn’t have known what you were talking about. Now, it is one of the funniest shows I have ever seen, and I would say it is just as funny as, perhaps even funnier than, other comedies like The Office and Arrested Development. But why is it a comedy worth seeing? For one, it takes place at a college — something we can all relate to. It takes the funniest, craziest people from a college setting and places them in one school. There’s the charismatic and apathetic guy, the jock, the quiet studious girl, the religious mother

figure, the crazy old man, the analytical pop culture genius and the hot blonde feminist. How all of them got together to become not only a study group, but best friends, is beyond anyone’s knowledge. That small synopsis of Community is about the only thing that remains constant throughout the series, and that is a good thing. Every episode is something new and fresh, each with a different focus of characters and humour. No single joke gets old, and every week or two the show takes a different style of its own, usually to parody a well-known movie or television show. In fact, Community can be seen as one large show full of popculture references. This would make the Scary Movie franchise Community’s evil twin. The show has a huge array of characters and jokes to throw around, and has many layers of narrative. This isn’t surprising, as a few of the writers

Cast of Community pose snazzily for photo shoot. worked on shows such as Scrubs and are inspired by groundbreaking shows like M*A*S*H and Cheers. The show’s format is also closely connected to college students.

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One season follows the characters during a regular school year, from September to April, focusing on a few key events (Halloween, Christmas and the horrific times

of final exams) for themed episodes, and the remainder of the episodes build upon each other, humorously named as if after a class one might find in a course calendar (“Advanced Dungeons and Dragons” or “Contemporary American Poultry,” for instance). There doesn’t seem to be a single thing Community does not reference or make fun of, even stooping to meta-humour to make fun of itself. I could go on for pages about how Community is a must-watch show, how the acting is superb and the writing would make an English major weep with joy, but the only way to know how great Community can be is to watch the show for yourself. Community plays on NBC on Thursdays at 7 p.m.


18• Comics

thesheaf.com• the Sheaf • November 10, 2011 Across

1- _ lift? 6- Seine feeder 10- Attempt 14- Approvals 15- Heath 16- River in central Switzerland 17- High-speed separator 20- Monetary unit of Afghanistan 21- The Younger and The Elder 22- All there 26- Regain strength 30- Fate 34- Plunder 35- Writer Hentoff 36- Asian holiday 38- Become less intense, die off 39- DC bigwig 40- Subway turner 42- “... _ the cows come

home 43- Cry _ River 44- Taoism founder 45- Caution 49- Listener 50- IRS IDs 51- Considers 54- Freight weight 56- Naive 64- Buenos _ 65- Area of 4840 square yards 66- Musical drama 67- Actress McClurg 68- Norse god of thunder 69- Water vapor

Down

1- Big Apple sch. 2- Conger 3- Cornerstone abbr. 4- German article 5- Quickly, quickly 6- Beaten egg dish

7- Charged particle 8- Drunkard 9- Be human 10- Adventurous expedition 11- Lacking slack 12- Jason’s craft 13- Apians 18- Swearword 19- Rapper born Tracy Marrow 22- Herring type 23- Semitic language 24- Kathmandu resident 25- Prepare a book or film for release 27- Filmic 28- Son of Judah 29- Large container 31- Chemical ending 32- Inflammation of the ear 33- Wrestling hold 37- Ages between 13

and 19 39- Big rig 40- Pouch 41- Small children 43- Mire 44- Vive _ ! 46- Branching 47- Pointed end 48- Hogwarts attendee 51- Type of ranch 52- Children’s author Blyton 53- Actor Morales 55- Sgts., e.g. 57- Covering for the head 58- German pronoun 59- Hit sign 60- Appropriate 61- Driver’s aid 62- Baseball stat 63- Block up

(CUP) — Puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission

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Misc

November 10, 2011 • the sheaf • thesheaf.com

CAMPUS CHAT

“Sleeping.” Qingyuan Wu

What are you doing tonight?

“Weeping in a dingy corner of the library.” Cooper Muirhead

Fake News of the Week Radioactive spider’s bite does not result in superpowers

Mild-mannered high school student Byron Baker is still in critical condition after a radioactive spider bit him at a science exhibit. “This flies in the face of everything we know about radioactive spider bites,” said Dr. Mildred Crowley of Bellevue Hospital in New York. “All the signs pointed to him becoming a masked vigilante crime-fighter. Instead, he’ll be lucky if he makes it through the night.” Friends say that although he wasn’t very popular at school, Baker was known for his love of science and his major crush on a red-headed girl, Mary-Jo Winters, who he could never hope to woo without superhuman strength and

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agility. Baker’s poisoning follows a series of incidents in the last year that should, according to experts, have resulted in all sorts of extraordinary powers. “It’s a pity,” said the boy’s closest relative, Uncle Ken. “This is almost as bad as that time I got shot because the boy tried to stop a robbery. What an idiot!”

Man wakes from coma after 28 years Lyle Schmidt was only 16 years old when a car accident put him in the hospital, and he has been unconscious ever since. However, the Swift Current man came out of his 28-year coma on Nov. 7, just in time to see his old high school bully Brad Wall get re-elected as premier.

“Stuff involving beer... Wrestling in the snow... Not getting my ass kicked.” Daniel Tang

“That guy?” Schmidt asked his nurse incredulously. “He used to swirly me every lunch hour, and one time he made me eat dogshit!” Schmidt recalled that Wall — likely the most popular politician in Canada — once made him parade through the school cafeteria in his underwear. The clearly upset Schmidt took solace in knowing that his high school sweetheart Tami had promised to always love him, and expected to see her bound into the hospital room at any moment. “Sweet Tami, at least I have her,” he said as he watched Wall’s victory speech on television. “Actually, come to think of it, Brad Wall’s wife looks kind of familiar.”

Detective solves baffling Mysteries The cold case files of the San Diego Police Department have been shrinking on a nearly daily basis. The miraculous rate at which these cases are being solved has been credited to veteran detective Jack Gimble. “The man’s a hot shot,” exclaimed police Chief Hawkins. “He’s a firecracker, a wunderkind, a force of fucking-mystery-solvingnature. He found out who had been spitting in my coffee cup just four minutes after entering the station.” Added Chief Hawkins, “Granted, it was him, but he cracked that fucker.” Gimble was assigned to the cold case squad three months ago, after several department censures for cutting corners. Since then, Gimble

“You.” Ben Lockheart

has solved 24 cold cases and says he has the rest “well under way.” Gimble credits his amazing success rate to his unorthodox methods. “I’ve basically just been making most of it up,” siad Gimble. “A lot of the time, people just want these cases to go away.” Gimble says that his most reliable excuse remains an old policemen favourite. “When it comes to scapegoats. you just can’t beat minorities. But I’ve also gotten creative. I’ve solved four burglaries by blaming them on the economy, three hopeless cases of arson by saying it was firefly season, and 12 murders by blaming them on horny werewolves.”


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thesheaf.com• the Sheaf • November 10, 2011


The Sheaf 10/11/11 - Volume 103 Issue 12