t he scribe
The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. September 17 to September 23, 2009 [Volume 34; Issue 4]
UCCS hosts annual “Bike Jam”
Car fire at Lot 4 gives campus a scare
Picture courtesy of Renee Rudolph BY:
Public Safety Officer Steve Dewey takes a breather with UCCS Mascot Boomer. BY:
Tim Canon email@example.com Sept. 15, the UCCS Office of Sustainability promoted and held its annual “bike to school day” in an effort to create a cleaner environment and a healthier lifestyle by encouraging campus students, staff and faculty to commute to campus using alternatives to single-occupancy vehicles. The event featured a free breakfast in the morning, with two “in mass” rides later in the day, and bicycle experts from the Recre-
ation Center Bike Repair Shop were on hand all day to help students fix any mechanical problems that they may have had with their bikes. “We had 82 riders that came and registered,” said Sustainability Director Linda Kogan. “The Georgraphy Department won the award for most riders, with 18. Biology was second with 8 riders. Both the Recreation Center and the Sustainability Office had complete office ridership,” meaning all their staff showed up, she said. Despite the early start time of 7:30 a.m., turnout was higher than expected,
and about one third of the attendees were students. “This is the first time we’ve ever held this event, so it was great,” Kogan continued. “I think next year we’re going to do it again, and hopefully it will be even bigger.” “It just fits in really well with our sustainability goals of reducing emissions from cars, things like that,” replied Kogan. Other successes that she noted included a number of first-time registered bicycles, a multitude of feedback questionairre forms from the attendants on bike riding at UCCS and raised awareness about
UCCS’ upcoming bicycle library. “We had folks get to try out some of the bikes from the bike library here on campus,” she said. UCCS now has 12 new bicycles that will be part of a bike library program run through the Recreation Center, which will offer free bicycle rentals to students with UCCS student IDs. Kogan expects the program to start in the next couple of weeks. Local bike shops in town donated prizes, along with Sunflower Market and Costco. Sodexo also donated a part of the breakfast. ◆ The College Republicans placed 2,977 flags on the West Lawn-- one for each person who died on Sept. 11, 2001. Students, faculty, staff and public safety personnel gathered at 9:11 a.m. to observe a moment of silence. Ariel Lattimore
The End Laugh the PARADOX
Milk and RAs pages 14 and 15
CAMPUS NEWS Aaron Novy nominated to Sodexo board page 4 Buying Coffee on campus: When there is little time for Starbucks page 5
CULTURE Shopping for clothing locally in the Springs page 11
Randy Robinson firstname.lastname@example.org Last week, a car at the university caught on fire due to a short in the engine, halting much of the traffic around UCCS. Last Wednesday, Sept. 9, at 4 p.m., Campus Police responded to a call that a car was in flames at the intersection of Lot 4 and the roundabout. Clay Garner, Public Safety police officer and one of the officers at the scene, said that by the time they arrived there, “The front of the vehicle was completely engulfed.” It took firefighters 50 minutes from the time of the report to finally douse the vehicle and remove it from the campus, by which point “the front end had melted and dropped to the ground,” Garner described. Many classes at UCCS are let out at 4:20 p.m., with the next shift beginning at 4:30 p.m., so the sudden influx of students and staff leaving or entering the campus was the main factor that determined the swiftness of the emergency response. Garner added, “Our concern was to keep traffic clear because we were afraid it might
OPINION The 9/12 Project: Shoot out or make-out sesssion? page 6
detonate.” The vehicle in question was a late-model Amigo, which Garner suspected was a modified vehicle. “After-market [upgrades] may have contributed to the fire. Most car fires aren’t that out of control,” he said. Garner believed that a nitrous kit may have been the culprit. Although nitrous oxide gas is not itself flammable, it can increase the amount of oxygen available to a flame source, aggravating an alreadydangerous situation. According to Garner, firefighters afterward determined the cause of the fire to be a short that started somewhere in the engine. As standard for police procedure, all non-emergency personnel remained 50 feet from the scene, in case an explosion did occur. When asked if a car fire has ever occurred on campus, both Garner and Chief Spice of Public Safety replied in dissent. Chief Spice elaborated, “We once had a car buried halfway from a mudslide, but never a car set on fire.” Public Safety said that the persons involved were staff on campus, but the individuals were not identified. No one was hurt in the fire. ◆
SPORTS Sports Buzz: John Madden: No end in sight page 13
Columns are not easy to write page 7
CONTACT | phone: (719) 255 - 3658 | fax: (719) 255 - 3600 | email: email@example.com | website: www.uccsscribe.com
word of the scribe
Shunned, lonely and quarantined: The swine has hit
Jackie Parkinson Executive Editor I could feel it coming on for weeks and weeks, and Monday hit and I knew that my worst fear had come true — I was sick. I started off with just a sore throat and then I moved on to a light cough, then it peaked. I had the most disgusting cough known to humankind and would burst out in outrageous fits every so often. However, something different happened this time when I coughed; suddenly people began to stare at me in fear. Now, usually when people stare at me in fear, I find it amusing, yet this time it was as if I was a viral plague about to inhabit their somewhat-clean innards. Yet, I just had a sore throat and a cough with no fever, no stomachache, no chills, no headache, no muscle aches or anything. Therefore, I deemed myself perfectly able to be about in public. After all, the signs in the restrooms at UCCS clearly state that you must have a fever to have the swine flu, and I did not. Trust me, I forced many a person to feel my forehead for signs of irregularities. While I did not have the swine flu, I was still quarantined from the world in a different way than people who actually do have swine flu. Every time I coughed, people would gawk and act as if I was about to off them in a second. Silly people, it takes a while for swine flu to infect you. Yet, I still took the precautions of swine flu-like behavior and washed my hands according to the UCCS approved direc-
tions. I even lathered vigorously to make sure no germs infected myself, or infected the well being of my healthy cohorts. I consistently drank gallons upon gallons of water, ingested chicken noodle soup (one of my least favorite foods) and sucked down cold medicine to put me in a cloudy state of mind. By the way, any mistakes in the last issue of The Scribe, I blame on the cold medicine. Nevertheless, we can all do everything we can to fight against the swine flu and there really isn’t anything we can do against it. It will spread, we will become affected and we will have to learn to fight it off with our own immune systems. Not with the immune systems of some miracle anti-pig remedy from your local shaman or a flu shot. While these remedies can help and I do not deny anyone the right of trying these solutions, I have never used them in the past. Although, my neighbor is a shaman and she can have you diagnosed and remedied, and ready to go just by looking at you. So, what makes the swine flu so different from everything else? Physicians are telling us that it is a strain that humans have little or no immunity towards with the ability to travel faster than regular strains of the flu. While this is alarming and I am still crossing my fingers that I do not get it, most people do expect every winter to come down with some type of sickness or another. Since winter usually causes cold weather and our noses run during cold weather, it can be expected for our immunity to not be as strong as it was during the warm months, therefore we get the flu. Really, that’s just my way of justifying why everyone gets sick during those months, because I’m a business major and unless it has to do with efficiency I could care
less. The only efficiency I care about is when half my staff is called out sick with the swine flu. Actually, two other people on staff have already been affected by the swine flu among multiple other UCCS students. Both of their stories are about the same. They went to the doctor to be tested after feeling disgusting, then they awaited test results for days, because now everyone who feels a tickle in the throat screams swine flu. During those days of awaiting their test results, they were locked inside their house or “quarantined.” My favorite story is of one student who actually had her student ID taken from her, because holding a student ID is like holding a key to the school, and only people with magic identification cards can walk through the University Center Pearly Gates. While quarantined students are bored out of their minds missing class and missing work, those whodo not have swine flu are pretending they are so that they can do the same. Even if it is important to keep those who are infected quarantined, and trust me, we can all agree to that, shouldn’t we treat those with normal seasonal flus and coughs with more decency than shunning them away or at least have a better way of dealing with those infected with swine flu? Perhaps it is my own bias talking, but it was bad enough feeling like a viral plague and hoping that I wouldn’t infect anyone. I will encourage everyone to go out and get the flu shots that will be available via the Health Center on campus in the next few weeks, because after all if there is a chance to avoid this entire situation, we should gladly accept the pain of a little needle with praise and thank our administration for trying to protect us to the best of their ability. ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
scribe staff striving to present the truth to the students by creating an open forum for opinions and ideas
Executive Editor Jackie Parkinson
Managing Editor Tim Canon
Copy Editor Randy Robinson
Culture Editor Avalon Manly
Opinion Editor Byron Graham
Campus News Editor Catherine Jensen
Sports Editor Matthew Crandall
Layout Editor Rosa Byun
Advertising Manager Sarah Tindell
Columnists Tim Canon, Erica Doudna, Byron Graham, Greg Reilly, Veronica Graves
Reporters Ricky Dalldorf, Jim Holtz, Carrie Horner, Chris Medina, Lauren Mueller, David Owens
Photographers Kiley Card, Ariel Lattimore, Carrie Woodruff
Layout Designers Alec Bishop, Chris Sheppard, Justin Soto
Web Designer Dorian Rogers
Interning Reporters Patricia Cameron, Justin Case, Brock Kilgore, Chris Sheppard, Jessica Vaughan
Interning Photographers Shawn Cruse, Kevin Kassem
Distributor Donald Trujillo
Corrections In Volume 34, Issue 3 of The Scribe, the article “UCCS Cross Country hosts Rust Buster Invitational” should read that the Men’s team actually finished fifth, while the Women’s finished fourth. Furthermore, the picture above the story depicted the open race held prior to the NCAA competitive races.
Archives Additional copies of the current publication volume will be available in The Scribe office. The Scribe keeps issues from the past five volumes for internal use only. The Office of University Records will handle any request for additional issues from the past five years and beyond.
Letters to the Editor The Scribe strongly encourages Letters to the Editor. Letters intended for publication must not exceed 300 words, must be legible and must include the writer’s name and telephone number. Letters must be turned into The Scribe office, emailed or delivered to The Scribe mailbox in the ROAR office by 5 p.m. the Friday before publication. The Scribe reserves the right to reject Letters to the Editor that are libelous or obscene and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, grammatical or spelling errors and AP style guideline errors.
9/20/2009 - 9/26/2009
what’s going on today?
Whitewater Men’s Golf @ Kayaking with RMAC Fall, Campus Rec @ Trinidad, CO Arkansas River in Pueblo, CO
Student Commuter Coffee & Donuts @ Old Engineering Building 7 a.m.
Majors/Minors Fair @ University Center Gym 1 p.m. – 3 p.m.
Telluride Blues and Brews Festival @ Telluride Town Park, Telluride, CO
Rape Aggression Defense Systems (RAD) @ Public Safety Training Room
Tantric w/ Aranda, Atom Smash @ The Blacksheep 8 p.m.
Men’s Golf @ Falcon Invitational, US Air Force Academy, CO Men’s Soccer vs. Regis @ Mountain Lion Stadium 1 p.m.
thurs. 24 Sky High Music Festival @ Denver, CO Rape Aggression Defense Systems (RAD) @ Public Safety Training Room Latin Mix @ UCCS Radio (radio.uccs. edu) 11 a.m. Social Distortion @ Aggie Theater, Fort Collins 8:30 p.m. “Our Town” @ The Osborne Studio Theatre 7:30 p.m.
Women’s Soccer vs. Metro State @ Mountain Lion Stadium 4:30 p.m.
Fly Fishing Trip with Campus Rec – Contact dbowan@ uccs.edu
Mr. UCCS Competition @ UC Upper Plaza 7 p.m.
Women’s Volleyball vs. Chadron State @ The Lions’ Den 6 p.m.
Women’s Volleyball vs. Colorado Mines @ The Lions’ Den 7 p.m. “Our Town” @ The Osborne Studio Theatre 7:30 p.m.
Flogging Molly @ Red Rocks, Morrison, CO 6:30 p.m. “Our Town” @ The Osborne Studio Theatre 7:30 p.m.
want to see your picture? email your photo of the week to firstname.lastname@example.org
Pandemic misinformation of the week: Girl: “Honey, I don’t think I can eat at Taco Bell anymore.” Girl’s friend: “Why not?” Girl: “Well, because Taco Bell is Mexican food, and swine ﬂu is from Mexico, and I deﬁnitely don’t want swine ﬂu, like, ever.” - Overheard by friend of Chris Sheppard at Boulder email your quotes of the week to: email@example.com
Newborn hits it off with number 9
instructions: i hope you know how to play sudoku because it’s been around for, like, forever, and it is a little surprising that you’re bothering to read this anyway. look it up online. google ‘how to sudoku.’ the first person to bring this completed sudoku will receive a schweeeet $10 gift card to La’au’s Tacos bottom floor UCenter rm. 106
Henry Michael Berendes of La Crosse, Wisconsin was born last Wednesday, Sept. (that’s the ninth month of the year for those not on the Gregorian calendar) 9 at 9:09 a.m., weighing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces, in a coincidence of numbers that should send the nation’s number-superstitious into hiding. Both parents and doctors laughed aloud as the nurse read off the numbers, but the fact that this birth did more for the number 9 than last week’s mediocre and confusing glorified short film is no laughing matter.
news in brief North Carolina gets serious on syphilis In perhaps the most blatant stereotype of Wal-Mart customers ever, health officials in Forsyth County, N.C. have begun canvassing neighborhoods offering gift cards from the nation’s famous behemoth-turnedgrocery-ish store in exchange for a simple favor — that the recipients submit to syphilis and HIV tests. In perhaps the most clear cut vindication ever of such stereotyping, the gift cards ran out after the first weekend. Wal-Mart spokespeople were, understandably, speechless.
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Search underway for new Vice Chancellor for Student Success and Enrollment Management BY:
Avalon Manly firstname.lastname@example.org
Early this summer, UCCS Vice Chancellor for Student Success and Enrollment Management (VCSSEM) Robert Wonnett retired, leaving his position vacant and causing UCCS to begin recruitent for a replacement. Currently, explains Senior Associate Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs and Professor of Political Science C. David Moon, the duties of the VCSSEM are being shared between
four senior directors in the Division of Student Success or Executive Director of Student Systems Steve Ellis, Director of Financial Aid and Student Employment Lee Noble, Director of Student Success Susan Mitchell and Director of Student Retention and First Year Experience Barbara Gaddis. “We had planned for [Wonnett’s] replacement to start in August,” said Moon in an email, “but a search…did not produce a hire because all three finalists accepted positions elsewhere by the time we were in a position to make them offers.”
Moon, together with Kee Warner, Associate Vice Chancellor for Diversity, are the co-chairs of the current search for a new VCSSEM. Their facilitating committee is comprised of faculty, staff, administrators and Student Government Association Vice President James Burge. The group will “solicit nominations and applications, then review the applications, conduct preliminary interviews and ultimately recommend a set of finalists,” explained Moon. The finalists will be invited for a campus visit, and be presented with an opportunity to meet with
certain student groups and sit in on open presentations. “The campus community will provide input to [Provost Margaret Bacon] through the search committee about the finalists, and [Bacon] will make an offer based on that input and the recommendations of the committee,” stated Moon. The VCSSEM, expounded Moon, is meant to provide the campus with direction and leadership in the areas of strategic enrollment efforts, student recruitment, enrollment and inclusive management and retention.
Aaron Novy nominated to Sodexo board
General Manager Russell Saunkeah and Aaron Novy Carrie Woodruff BY:
Randy Robinson email@example.com Aaron Novy, a current student, was hand-picked by Sodexo to its Student Board of Directors (SBOD) this month. According to the Sodexo website (which has recently dropped the “h” from its name), selection for the SBOD is a rigorous process. Many apply for the position, but only a few are selected. As Novy explained, there were over 100 applicants this year, but only fifteen were selected. Novy is no rookie when it comes to coordinating with the student body; he first worked in UCCS’s Residence Hall Association (RHA), where he was initially discovered by Sodexo’s General Manager Russell Saunkeah. After Novy was approached by
Saunkeah, he was asked to apply to the board in order to enhance the dining experience for the students at UCCS. As the first student from UCCS to join the SBOD, and one of the first from the state of Colorado, this is a big step toward improving dining conditions at the university. The responsibilities of the SBOD entail a monthly conference, where Sodexo staff discusses current issues and changes. “We bounce off different ideas and see what we want to do,” said Novy, “We’re like a sounding board or an advisory council.” Novy’s role will be to mediate between students and the corporate heads of the company, to determine what students want and what Sodexo can provide. His position will confer national coverage, as Sodexo divides itself into seven separate regions (one of
which includes all of Canada). Novy, however, will have his work cut out for him. “The problem is that Sodexo pretty much only serves large schools and small schools,” he explained, “and UCCS is in the middle.” The university’s population has kept the students’ suggestions under the radar, but with Novy’s nomination, that may soon change. Among the changes that Novy wishes to implement are wider food selections to provide more choices for an ever-growing, diverse student body. “I also want to improve the quality of the food,” he added. Food is not the only order on the list of suggestions, as he also plans to raise student awareness concerning Sodexo’s other campaigns. “Sodexo does more than students know,” he said. According to Novy, Sodexo is also involved with charity work and donations, and if he has his way, UCCS will become more active with Sodexo’s humanitarian events. Sodexo typically helps out its communities by offering free food services to those who need it. The company also hosts fundraisers for various charities and many of these charities are its own. Among the charities, Sodexo’s UK
website stated that the corporation raised £250 thousand (or over $450 thousand) for its STOP Hunger program. STOP Hunger also offers scholarships to students who volunteer their free time combating hunger in the U.S., with awards reaching up to $5 thousand. Sodexo matches this award with another $5 thousand going to a hunger charity of the student’s choice. Additionally, last year the Manna Food Center, an organization that arranges food accommodations for schools and low-income families, awarded Sodexo the “Hunger Hero” title, the first ever bestowed by Manna Food Center. Novy stressed that his nomination is not a sureticket to getting things changed on campus. Students should contact Sodexo if they have ideas or complaints. Most students are not aware that there is a feedback form available at the UCCS website, one that goes directly to the General Manager. But “[i]f people really want to change things,” Novy stated, “then they should join the board [of directors].” Russell Saunkeah can be contacted at catering@ uccs.edu The feedback form is online at: www.uccs.edu/ ~sodexho/feedback.html. ◆
The position also heads the Student Success Division, which offers academic advising, degree progress reports and help with various programs and majors. The VCSSEM has frequent contact with many different offices, including Financial Aid, Admissions and Records, the excel centers, Career Services, student clubs and organizations, student healthcare, counseling, commuter services, the Office of the Dean of Students and MOSAIC. The VCSSEM works closely with students for their support, and provides academic direction in the ongoing effort to educate
the “whole student,” as the university develops and experiences larger enrollment numbers, said Moon. He continued, “We will be looking for a candidate with strong experience who understands the challenges and opportunities at UCCS, and who is committed to being a collaborative leader.” There are currently numerous candidates seeking the VCSSEM position. Moon hopes that the finalists’ interviews will be conducted on-campus throughout December, and that the new VCSSEM will be available to start sometime early in the spring. ◆
UCCS graduate student passes away BY:
Tim Canon firstname.lastname@example.org The University of Colorado at Colorado Springs mourns the passing away of graduate student Kevin Smoliak, which ocurred two weeks ago on Sept. 3. “On behalf of the campus community, I offer our deepest condolences to Kevin’s family, friends and classmates,” Chancel-
lor Pam Shockley-Zalabak said in a statement issued last Wednesday. Smoliak, son of Gerry and Gloria Smoliak and a Rampart High School graduate, earned his undergraduate degree in psychology and was on his way to completing a counseling degree, according to a university press release. Visitation was held Sept. 9, with plans for a private funeral. ◆
Advertise with The Scribe Contact Sarah Tindell at (719) 255 - 3469
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Buying coffee on campus: UCCS group to produce newWhen there is little time television show for Starbucks Compare the differences: What you pay for on and off campus.
At DazBog and Jazzman’s some of your favorites run, respective to size: Regular brewed: $1.59, $1.79, $1.89 Latte: $2.99, $3.59, $3.99 Mocha: $3.59, $4.09, $4.59 The UCCS TV Studio has high-tech equipment to broadcast live T.V., and teaches students about what goes on behind the scenes Kevin Kassem
Regular brewed: $1.50, $1.70, $1.80 Latte: $2.65, $3.20, $3.50 Mocha: $2.85, $3.40, $3.65
Catherine Jensen email@example.com While rushing through the University Center or Columbine Hall to get to class, students may find themselves caught up in the ritualistic, comforting smell of coffee drifting about the halls. If they didn’t make it to Starbucks on the way to campus, there are alternate options just around the corner. Coffee as well as baked goods and other items can be found at DazBog and Jazzman’s, UCCS’ two coffee carts. We asked around to see what students and faculty think of prices and quality on- verses off-campus. DazBog, located in Columbine and Dwire Halls, and Jazzman’s Café in the University Center, serve as an easily accessible resource to students looking for a quick pick-me-up on their way to class. Students may fill cup sizes of 12, 16 and 20 ounces with a wide array of drinks from regular brewed coffee to specialty items. Worried about how much a cup a day will burn through your pocket? Daz Bog and Jazzman’s, not unlike Starbucks, also serve a variety of food. While Starbucks’ and Daz-
Bog’s front counters house sandwiches, fruit cups and some pastrys, Jazzman’s offers additional options such as bagels, wraps and Naked juices. Specials may frequent your attention in any of these locations. Some specials for fall at your local Starbucks include a Pumpkin Spice Latte and Pumpkin Spice Frapuccino. DazBog and Jazzman’s may be lacking in pumpkin products, but Jazzman’s worker Lee Wildenstein expresses that they are not without different, unique and great-tasting drinks. “My favorite is the white chocolate macadamia iced latte; it’s really good,” Wildenstein said. Though not listed on the direct menu, Lee encourages students to come by to ask, and reminds students that they can add syrup to any drink to make it more specialized. Worker Hannah Taylor at DazBog in Columbine Hall enjoys the peppermint white mocha with whipped cream. “These are great because they can be made year round.” Not everyone is in favor of such coffee services. Peter Brumlik, instructor of history, said he is trying to “seek out some sort of activism on the part of my stu-
Greg Reilly firstname.lastname@example.org
dents” by questioning the high prices at DazBog on campus. “I believe that it is time for students at UCCS to get a break,”he stated in an email interview. “Tuition has risen, parking fees have risen, gas prices have risen. The economy is in distress. Students at UCCS are a captive population to vendor who provide services on campus. I believe that DazBog should lower their prices.” Brumlik also articulated that students who are on campus have little time between classes to leave campus and “protect their economic interests by shopping around.” Student Jacqueline Bell pleaded guilty. Bell said she prefers DazBog for location reasons. It is easier, she said, to obtain the coffee once on campus as it is conveniently inside the building where she spends most of her time. “As a psychology major, I live in Columbine Hall [so] the only coffee selection I have is in Columbine.” As to which coffee suits his fancy, Brumlik said, “I would rather drink coffee from the least expensive vendor. With my old taste buds, coffee is coffee.” Whatever hot beverage one prefers, the campus has a fair variety to offer. ◆
UCCS has had a radio station for some time, but the TV studio in the University Center has long been used for film studies classes and university photo shoots for advertisements. However, the full potential of the studio as a medium for actually producing television programming has lay dormant for years. A few enterprising students have begun to put together a TV station with original content and programming. Dubbed “UCCS LIVE!” by its creators, calls have been put in on Facebook and elsewhere for actors, writers and technical staff to work out of the TV studio in the University Center. “The basic idea of the show will be similar to Mad TV and Saturday Night Live,” wrote Angie Cillo
in a Facebook message to its supporters and wouldbe staff. The show, according to Cillo, will consist of “an opening, several short skits, and a closing. The skits can be school related, comedic, [or] dramatic,” so long as they abide by FCC regulations — roughly PG13 at most. The group is also looking for actors and students with technical experience related to film or television. UCCS LIVE! will be entirely student-run, from camera operators and light board operators to the actors and writers who produce the content for the show. Experience is preferred both for actors and technical crew, but those without experience who would like to learn about TV production are encouraged to join as well. UCCS LIVE! affords interested students opportunities that may not have existed in the past. For students who have ever wanted to try their hand at film acting or television
production, UCCS LIVE! perhaps offers a first step in the right direction. Details on when production will begin and the first show will air are still forthcoming, but as soon as the group has enough content, UCCS LIVE! will get off the ground and into a TV set near you. The group’s founders have yet to announce when the first show will air, though it will be played on Comcast cable programming in the Colorado Springs area. Students interested in having their work produced can email skits to Angie Cillo at cilloan13@aol. com or Karl Brevik at email@example.com. Skits and scripts should be between 5 to 10 minutes long. Further information can be found on the group’s Facebook page by searching for “UCCS LIVE!” and joining the group. Hard copies can be brought to Media Services behind the IT Help Desk in the University Center beneath the library. ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
The 9/12 Project: Shoot out or make out session?
Byron Graham firstname.lastname@example.org Proving that television personalities shouldn’t necessarily have personality disorders, Glenn Beck celebrated the culmination of his “9/12 Project” this week. Unveiled during one of Beck’s infamously weepy episodes of Fox News Channel’s “The Glenn Beck Program” 6 months ago, the 9/12
Project was conceived in the spirit of collaboration among Americans following the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. On Sept. 12, protestors gathered around the country at Tea Parties to air their grievances with the Obama administration. I know, nothing signifies national unity like armed protests, and the amount of tea that these folks waste is frightful. There’s a troubling discrepancy between Beck’s rhetoric vis a vis the purported unity among America’s political factions in the nationwide post-traumatic stress of September 11, 2001, and what the people gathered at these 9/12 Tea Parties actually represent. Entreaties for bi-partisan harmony from one of the
most divisive media figures currently befouling the airwaves are as arbitrary as they are disingenuous. Especially when considering the fact that the activists at these events carry guns and blithely hint at civil war, and militia recruiters roam the crowd trolling for new members. I support anyone’s right to protest, and it’s understandable that dissent would emerge from those voters who lie outside the current administration’s demographic. However, I think that comparisons between the anti-war protestors of the Bush era and the tea party patriots are fallacious, mostly because the tea party patriots carry assault rifles. A project pink demonstrator might subject you to an unwilling
make-out session, but a tea party patriot might shoot you, which is far more unpleasant. Honestly though, what else brings Americans together like an AK-47? Again, protest and media scrutiny are respected institutions in the United States, but the tea party patriots don’t share the same sense of purpose as the anti-war activists. After all, the country went to war, much to their chagrin. Many of the issues that the tea partyers are rallying around most ardently are bogeymen. For instance, the notorious (and fictional) “Death Panels” were never included in the end-of-life care provisions of health care reform, not to mention they’ve since been struck from the leg-
islation, but somehow the Red threat still lurks around every corner. Seriously, until these folks actually read the Communist Manifesto and understand it, they’re not allowed to call anyone a “socialist.” Furthermore, I don’t subscribe to the supposition that America should revert to a 9/12 mentality. 9/12 was terrifying, and the unity Glenn Beck seems to think all Americans shared was really a collective paranoia. Said paranoia facilitated the complacency among the dissenting voices America missed so sorely when the Bush administration finagled the Patriot Act into law, deceived the country about the Iraq War and granted the CIA carte blanche to kidnap and tor-
ture our enemies, using the same tactics that earned Japanese interrogators the death penalty in the aftermath of World War 2. We hadn’t all assembled politically in the wake of the attacks; we let the Bush administration impose its will on US international policy amid relative silence from those with legitimate concerns. Now, I waved at firefighters and kept my criticisms to myself like everyone did after 9/11, and I’m not criticizing the heroic efforts of the people whose altruism was motivated by a national tragedy. I just think it’s a shame that the sentiments in question were so heinously exploited, first by the Bush Administration and now by the ilk of Glenn Beck. ◆
Befriending professors on Facebook: Rules of the game
Erica Doudna email@example.com When I think about how everyone has some social networking profile, it can be sort of overwhelming. The other day my sister was babbling about a new social network for corporate professionals (she’s a UCCS alumni and a total corporate sellout), but the thing that baffled me was that she is friends with our mother and father on this network. If my mother joins MySpace or Facebook or (Ashton Kutcher –forbid) starts tweeting, I will know that the time has come for me to move to a co-op somewhere near Manitou and start living “off the grid.” Honestly, there are some things that we enjoy posting on Facebook that certain people don’t need to
know about. The “Guilty Pleasures Top Five List” that I did last week is a perfect example. I’m sure all my friends got a kick out of that big joke because they know I really do lounge in bed wearing lingerie while snacking on Godiva Truffles and watching “Gossip Girl” and simultaneously reading US Weekly—they must be proud to think of how far I’ve come from wearing footie pajamas and eating Hershey bars, all while watching “Melrose Place” and reading The National Enquirer with my mom and sister (twisted minds come from twisted beginnings). But I wouldn’t want one of my professors knowing this about me (oh hell, now I’m hoping none of my professors read my column). I was wondering how common it is for a professor to feel the need to say, “Yes, I have Facebook … and no I will not be friends with any current students.” I’ve heard this at least once this semester, and it might have been said more than once, but I was just too busy texting to care (I’m a senior, and I’ve always done exactly what I want). I also know that a lot of my
professors, current and former, are on Facebook (and I think everyone has a right to be). However, in thinking about how deeply social networking has saturated our everyday lives, I came to the conclusion that there are some people involved in our everyday lives with whom we do not need to be connected via a social network. A really short list would start with your doctor, and end with your professor (the dry cleaner and gardener would be in there somewhere). A general good rule of thumb: If you pay a person for a service, then you don’t need to be friends on a social network. Like it or not, here in college, we do personally pay for our professors to teach us, but there has to be an exception to this rule … A social network can be an easy way to communicate with a professor, right? That could be a good excuse to become friends with one. But really, I have to say that Facebook messaging your professor about something having to do with class (maybe even something as innocent as why you missed class yes-
terday) is not professional. Okay, Baron tried to pull this and I said, “Really!? Just use the old fashion email account that the university set up for us — I highly doubt the professor checks his Facebook every day.” Furthermore, when thinking back on all the professors who have been paid to teach me, I can really only think of three whom I have
actually shared an amusing conversation with outside of class. Oddly enough, all three of these professors teach in my personal favorite area of study and I would have absolutely no qualms about going to any of them for a letter of recommendation for a graduate program. If you can’t say the same about your professor, then you don’t need to be friends with
him or her on Facebook. There are some things your professors don’t need to know about you, and I think you’d be pretty surprised to imagine there are some things you don’t need to know about your professors — like what his or her favorite music is. (What if it’s Godsmack or ICP? That could be totally awkward in the most amusing way). ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Columns are not Robbing Hood and the dwarves easy to write
Greg Reilly firstname.lastname@example.org This column may or may not be published and read by you within two days of it being written. This allows me to be relatively topical—the things that are relevant as I write it will still be at least vaguely relevant when you read it. This allows me a lot of options. ACORN and their pimping. Patrick Swayze kicking the bucket. Kanye West making a fool of himself and President Obama calling him a “jackass” off the record, which still wound up being reported. The options splay themselves out like a glorious rainbow of things to whine and moan about. It is 3:21 in the morning on Sept. 15, and I have writer’s block. What can I possibly say about Kanye West that hasn’t already been said by Kanye West? How much more can I blur my politics by assaulting ACORN or yelling at whichever inept, impotent political party you feel like assigning those words to? I was two years old when “Dirty Dancing” was released—how many of you really know a damn thing about Swayze aside from occasional references to “Ghost?” I have a glut of options and none of them are even remotely worth writing about. In a few days, professional journalists will have beaten all of these topics into the mud in ways more sophisticated and superior to my own. So what to do? Write about college? I could talk about how Facebook is killing our privacy and we’re giddily allowing it to—like every other college columnist has done at one point
or another. I could talk about that obnoxious kid in my chemistry class who plays know-it-all and asks esoteric questions to show off despite the fact that I haven’t taken chemistry since I was a junior in high school eight years ago and I could still answer his questions. I could subtly profess my love for the cute girl in my American Lit class in subtle, wink-and-nudge fashion and hope that desperate, thinly-veiled pleas in a public forum might get her to occasionally make eye contact with me. But that would all just be rehashing old territory, of course. I have fallen in love with a cute girl in my American Lit class every time I’ve taken American Lit (this being the third, as if my work ethic needed further bruising) and every class has that jerk that won’t shut up. What can I possibly make more hilariously pathetic or frustrating, respectively, about situations we all inevitably share that are intrinsically, hilariously pathetic or frustrating? I could bemoan the fact that so few students see Theatreworks and Theatre ‘d Art plays despite the fact that both are on campus and free for students, but that’s blatant pandering for organizations and institutions I appreciate. Can I be so bold as to mask my inability to create anything original with blatant plugs for shows such as “The Illusion,” which runs this weekend and the next at 8 p.m. in the Osborne Studio Theatre at University Hall, which is free for UCCS students with a valid student ID, starring yours truly? That would seem a bit uncouth, right? It makes sense to assume that these questions are rhetorical. They are not. You are our readers and we are here to serve you. So tell me, gentle reader, what should I be writing about? What sorts of things have been left unexplored, left to languish in neglected obscurity, untouched by the prying eyes of college campus columnists? ◆
Veronica Graves email@example.com Today, boys and girls, we will be taking a little quiz to see how many of President Barack Hussein Obama’s (oh, I’m sorry, forgot we’re not allowed to use his middle name)…Ahem, President Barack Hussein Obama’s dwarves or advisors you can name. Which dwarf said the following? “Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath too seriously, as an imperative to do everything for the patient regardless of the cost or effects on others.” Which dwarf would that be? None other than Obama’s current healthpolicy adviser, Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel.
Anyone know which dwarf seems to have an unfortunate issue with words? On Aug. 23, this dwarf, almost like Dopey, called Obama “Barack America.” Later he referred to Palin as the “lieutenant governor of Alaska.” On June 2006, Dopey commented, “You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.” And last but not least in January 2007 he commented of his running mate, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” Dopey said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” And who is Dopey? 10 pts if you guessed Joe Biden. The third dwarf, Sleepy, seems to be suffering from amnesia. Sleepy claimed to know nothing of “advanced interrogation techniques.” Then the CIA came out telling America that Sleepy was fully informed on all interrogation techniques such as water boarding. Anybody guess Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the
House? Which self-proclaimed communist ex-dwarf spent some time in a music studio? He and others (such as cop killer Mumia abuJamal) conglomerated to come up with an album by the name of War Times. One line from the album states, “The United States; a piece of stolen land led by right-wing, war-hungry, oil thirsty… The true terrorists are made in the U.S.” Can anybody guess this sleazy dwarf ’s name? The answer is…Obama’s exGreen czar, Van Jones. The fifth dwarf, Happy, manages to keep this sort of perennial plastic smile on his face against all odds. When Obama called Cambridge police department “stupid,” or when Happy was asked if the resignation of Van Jones was seen by Obama as a necessary move, Happy just smiled big and went on to say how great the president is (…wait, I think I missed a step.) Happy doesn’t listen to the question asked, he just waits for a break, any break, to praise Obama.
Anybody guess White House Press Secretary Robert L. Gibbs? If so, give yourself another 10pts. The head honcho of these dwarfs is a tall man, though sometimes that’s a characteristic that’s hard to see when he is bowing to Muslim dictators. As in the fairy tale of Robin Hood, Robbing Obama seems set on “spreading the wealth.” Unfortunately, this favorable distribution to only those people he likes. Right after he told us he had visited 57 states he said, “I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” This is pretty much the same way bank robbers justify their actions. They never consider that what they steal might be purposed to help others by its rightful owners. If you got between 20 to 50 points…Wow, you know more about Obama’s Advisors than most Americans. But if you got between 0 to 10 points, don’t feel bad: You’re just another victim of the leftist, biased media. ◆
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A Tour of Brews
The Scribe presents a tour of some excellent breweries found in Colorado Springs. For those of you without a car, or a license reading “DOB: 09-17-1988” or earlier, turn to The Paradox. There’s something for you there... probably.
Bristol Brewing Company
Lauren Mueller (firstname.lastname@example.org)
density of the sugar in the + OG (Original Gravity): Original mixture. Measured with a hydrometer. after the yeast has feasted on the + FG (Final Gravity): Density sugars. The higher the FG, the sweeter the ﬁnish.
1647 South Tejon Colorado Springs, Colorado 80906 (719) 633 - 2555 Trinity Brewing Company
+ ABV (Alcohol By Volume): OG – FG =ABV of different types. Produce alcohol and CO + Yeast: Hundreds after metabolizing sugars.
1466 Garden of the Gods Rd Colorado Springs, CO 80907-9463 (719) 634 - 0029
Degree to which the beer + IBU (International Bittering Units): is hopped.
Phantom Canyon Brewing Company
+ Malt: Barley soaked and roasted barley. Hundreds of types. the brewer desires. e.g. Belgian + Special Ingredients: Anything wits have orange peels.
2 E Pikes Peak Ave Colorado Springs, CO 80903-1504 (719) 635-2800
Home Brewing: Art You Can Drink Greg Reilly (email@example.com) Colorado has a reputation for its microbrews and home breweries. In 2003, the Brewers Association, an organization for and by so-called craft brewers, found that Colorado has between 15 and 20 craft breweries per million people—signiﬁcantly above the national average. Beer is surprisingly easy to create but difﬁcult to truly perfect, but that doesn’t dissuade thousands of beer enthusiasts from giving it their best shot every year. UCCS graduate student Eric Fries is one such enthusiast and spoke to The Scribe about his experience as a brewer. “I have found homebrewing to be very rewarding in a variety of ways,” Fries said. “It allows one to have quality beer at a fraction of the cost of store-bought. On average, ingredients for a 5-gallon batch (equal to about 53 beers, give or take a couple for testing) cost between $25 and $40.” Though that price range will buy 30 to 60 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the quality of homebrewed beer tends to be a bit higher than “a watery beverage called Keystone Light” at a similar price, according to Fries. Furthermore, home brewing brings a craftman’s pride that one is unlikely to ﬁnd in a liquor store or bar. “It is a hobby, a culinary passion. During the ﬁrst batch alone, one gains immense knowledge of the his-
tory of brewing, the ingredients, and the processes,” Fries explains. “One of the best feelings I have ever experienced is taking the ﬁrst sip of the ﬁrst beer from a batch, detecting all of the ﬂavors and aromas that I personally introduced by hand, and taking pride in the fact that I created a work of art.” Brewing beer may not seem like an art to some, but myriad festivals and competitions that feature home brews focus on brewing as seriously as “Iron Chef” focuses on cuisine or an art critic might scrutinize a gallery opening. Furthermore, a culture has developed among home brewers. “If one were to join a homebrewers association, in many cases it will lead to discounts and microbreweries, tips and tricks, and just great conversation with like-minded people,” Fries explains. Home brewing kits generally run in the $30-60 range depending on quality of materials that come with the kit. The cost of supplies beyond that varies with quality and quantity. However, Fries feels he’s gotten the most out of his investment. “The preliminary cost for all the equipment was well worth it, and I plan to expand upon my current brewing endeavors by investing in kegging systems, learning new recipes, and simply putting my feet up with a cold home brew in hand.”
Bristol Brewing Company
Lauren Mueller (firstname.lastname@example.org) Bristol Brewing on S. Tejon Street has been providing Colorado with sensational beers since 1994. Bristol Brewing Company was started in 1994 by Mike and Amanda Bristol. In 1998 the brewery moved from its original location on Forge Road off of Garden of the Gods Road to its new location at 1647 S. Tejon Street. At the Tejon location, Bristol was able to bottle their brews and begin distributing them throughout the state. Mike and Amanda Bristol are still highly active in the business. Now Bristol is most well-known for their ﬁve most popular beers including Laughing Lab, Red Rocket, Beehive, Mass Transit and Winter Warlock. “Laughing Lab has a small character and a smooth ﬁnish. It is what we call a session
beer,” said Tad Davis, a Bristol employee. Laughing Lab, Bristol’s most popular seller, accounts for 50 percent of their business. Bristol has also brewed and distributed all of Il Vicino’s beers for about ﬁve or six years, said Davis. Il Vicino and the Black Fox label are the only other beers produced and bottled at Bristol’s brewery, however, Bristol does distribute a few of Boulder’s beers like Hazed and Infused and Buffalo Gold. Bristol’s beers can only be found in Colorado. The Tejon location distributes to four counties, and another location in Denver handles the rest of the state’s distribution. Bristol is also involved in community charities. Bristol created four community ales, the proﬁts of which are donated. The donations average $10-$15 thousand. First, they have Smokebrush
Porter which is currently having a label contest for local artists. Bristol also supports The Friends of Cheyenne Cañon, the Fireﬁghter Foundation and Venetucci Farm. Bristol’s relationship with Venetucci farm goes beyond the community ale and gives back to the environment. Davis said, “Bristol takes 2 thousand pounds of wet grain to Venetucci Farm.” At Venetucci, they use the waste as fertilizer; in turn, Venetucci grows pumpkins for Bristol’s pumpkin ale. Beyond fertilizer, Bristol also recycles their water used in bottling. They will also give customers 10 cents if they bring back a cardboard six-pack carrier. “We use biodiesel on our delivery trucks,” said Davis. Most importantly Davis added, “It’s knowing where your resources are.”
Trinity Brewing Company Lauren Mueller (email@example.com) One-year-old Trinity Brewing Company on Garden of the Gods Road brews one of a kind beer and provides local tastes for the community. “Trinity is based on people, planet and proﬁt. And in that order,” said Hilary AntonStang a graduate student from UCCS who works as a waitress at Trinity, “We’re aimed at bringing better beers to people. We see beer as a craft.” Trinity usually has six homebrews on tap that range from a dark chocolaty stout called Awaken to an IPA called Flo. Flo and Awaken are also available on Nitro which is a different type of tap. It creates smaller bubbles and a smoother head or foam on top.
Along with their own brews, Trinity Brewing Company provides a wide array of guest beers. There are 27 different microbrews on tap, 14 of which are from Colorado. This wide variety has something for every type of beer drinker. Uniquely, Trinity brews vegetarian beers, said Anton-Stang. Most other beers are not vegetarian because ﬁsh oil is used to line the tanks. Anton-Stang assures that the fryers are strictly vegetarian too. Trinity makes beer strictly for their restaurant patrons, and do not distribute like Bristol and Il Vicino. Their restaurant is aimed at creating a place to hang out, said Anton-Stang. “We have live music opportunities,” she said. The
bar is set up more like a pub than a brewery, but patrons can still see the barrels of yeast, hops and malt brewing through the glass. Trinitiy’s restaurant philosophy is based on protecting the environment by practicing sustainability. They demonstrate their philosophy by buying the majority of their products locally. Even some of the beer ingredients are local. Like Bristol Brewing, Trinity is also involved in the community and the family. Trinity donates a lot of time to community outreach, said Anton-Stang. Trinity also encourages human-powered transportation: When customers ride a bike or walk there, they receive a 10 percent discount.
Phantom Canyon Brewing Company Tim Canon (firstname.lastname@example.org) Phantom Canyon Brewing Company has been serving handcrafted beer to the Colorado Springs community since its inception in 1993 as Colorado’s second brewpub. Phantom takes pride in its beer, which is produced in-house and only served to restaurant patrons (although growlers and kegs are available for purchase), according to Manager Tom Lamb. Also sold at its location at the corner of Cascade and Pikes Peak, is a variety of lunch and dinner items, a fairly extensive wine list and an assortment of scotches. Phantom’s beer menu, which Lamb writes up himself, includes six beers served year round, including among those on the list are a light Queen’s Blond Ale, an I.P.A. and a porter. The brewery also offers 8 – 10 seasonal beers, including, the current Downtown Brown, Demolition Cream Ale and Ginger Wheat. For the less adventurous, the brewery also serves a few bottled beers, as well as a non-alcoholic
brew for those so inclined. The brewpub’s building has a nearly 110-year history, explained Lamb, and according to the website was the ﬁrst downtown building to be placed on the National Register of Historic Places. Built in 1901 as an ofﬁce building for the Chicago Rock Island and Paciﬁc Railroad company, it was converted to the Cheyenne Hotel in 1909, and later used as a drug store and possibly a brothel, Lamb said. In the early 90s, the building stood vacated, awaiting demolition and conversion to a parking lot. However, the day before the demolition, Wynkoop Holdings, Inc. bought the building, and in 1993 turned it into Colorado’s second brewpub. The establishment helped the downtrodden downtown business climate turn around, according to Lamb. “We’re pretty much credited with revitalizing the down-
town Colorado Springs area,” he said. Today, the brewery itself is alive and well, with a restaurant-type, quieter atmosphere on the ﬁrst ﬂoor, a billiards hall featuring big-screen TVs on the second ﬂoor and a banquet hall suitable for business and private gatherings on the third ﬂoor. Like many local breweries, Phantom tries to give back to the local community and the environment, buying as many ingredients as possible from local sources and taking its used grain to local farmers for feeding purposes. As testament to Phantom’s success, Lamb explained that during its 15 year history, the brewpub has served over 8 million of its own beers to the town’s most ardent beer lovers – making the brewpub a local legend and a historical landmark in itself.
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Review: Truth of the Stage: “The Illusion” kicks off Theatre ‘d Art’s 2009-10 season
Mollica’s It ali a
et and Deli k r Ma
Photo courtesy of Ariel Lattimore BY:
Avalon Manly email@example.com The first thing I noticed about “The Illusion” was its hauntingly familiar score, which proceeded from curtain rise to curtain fall to dust at the dark, far-removed corners of my memory in a bothersome way throughout the duration of the play. I still have not a clue as to what subtle bars accentuated that performance. But I think, perhaps, that this was the only thing present by which to be bothered. All other parts of “The Illusion” were either handsomely profound or blunderingly endearing. “The Illusion” went through a series of versions to stand on the simple, black-box stage of the Osborne Theatre, home of the Theatre ‘D Art production company: first, Pierre Corneille’s 17th century original, a comedy entitled “L’ Illusion Comique;” then through the vigorous “free adaptation” by Tony Kushner in the ‘90s. The story revolves around the quest of old lawyer Pridamant to find his long-estranged son. Pridamant, desperate for any news of his prodigal, pleads the aid of the magician Alcandre. In answer to Pridamant’s entreaties, Alcandre grants the old man a trio of visions from his son’s life – ranging from the obsessions of young lovers, to love spurned and rivals
bested, to sordid affairs, execution and murder. Pridamant is alternately enraptured and disenchanted by his son’s eventful wanderings. The trouble, though, is this: In each of the three visions, the scene has changed, as have characters’ names, roles and relationships to one another. Pridamant is as hard-pressed as the audience to keep straight the shifting parts and titles, and throughout the aged magician seems to be cloaking some pivotal piece of missing information, some key to the enigmatic story. But let not the play’s apparently simple story shroud its complex motifs. In this production, it is not so much what occurs or even what is said on stage that matters – it is what the viewer takes away from it. This play debuts Theatre ‘d Art’s “Season of Illusions,” aptly named, for “The Illusion” is the first of four plays that will confront the difference, if there is one, between what is real and what is false. Such themes present in “The Illusion” leave much room for private thought and privately drawn conclusion. In the end, nothing is definitively answered. Rampant with shameless deus ex machina, smatterings of comedic pandering, skillfully crafted innuendos, enduring allegories and predictable, if still believable, character development, the play is no struggle to enjoy. To understand, how-
ever, is another matter, and one to which I do not quite feel I have dedicated adequate rumination. The story presents the magician Alcandre and the callous father Pridamant as two stages of the same person; and in doing that, along with other things, it drags the viewers face to ugly face with what reality and love really mean – and considering the incredibly intimate space allowed by the Osborne, it drags them all there together. Director, UCCS alumni and Theatre ‘d Art cofounder Jon Margheim perhaps says it best: “Just because the things you see [on stage] aren’t real, does that lessen the emotional impact [they] can have? Does that cheapen the way love can be an all-encompassing thing?” The lingering philosophy of the play can be heavy, but that burden is periodically lightened by moments of well-constructed humor. From tongue-incheek exchanges to hammy fools and topped off with ad-libbed expletives, most scenes provide the audience with at least one occasion to laugh. Even the few moments of tripped-up dialogue or battle debacles can be found delightful to the right frame of mind. Though I have yet to learn the purpose of the play’s 8-word epilogue, “The Illusion” was a highly enjoyable performance, and a debut that sets a high standard for the coming season at Theatre ‘d Art. ◆
Theatre ‘d Art’s “The Illusion,” directed by Jon Margheim (Sept. 11 to 27) At the Osborne Theatre (3955 Cragwood Drive, on the lower floor of University Hall)
$10 general admission $5 for students with valid ID Free for UCCS students
Visit theatredart.org or call (719) 357-8321 for more information or to reserve seats
$ inexpensive $$$ expensive
Brock Kilgore firstname.lastname@example.org Good Italian food is simple. Pasta, bread, olives and cured meats and cheeses are the traditional ingredients, while the tomato from America was a welcome addition. Many restaurants follow old world traditions, but others trace roots that evolved in places like New York City. Mollica’s, located just down the hill from UCCS on Garden of the Gods Road, is one of those New York Italian experiences, where mother-and-son team of Toni and Jerry Mollic draw from Toni’s father’s recipes, and traditional high quality ingredients, to create an impressive New York style deli. I love going out to lunch. The best deals, freshest food and fastest service are usually to be had. I also always liked working lunch in restaurants because ‘the rush’ goes by quickly and a good lunch crowd can be the lifeblood of a restaurant. Lunch at Mollica’s is always busy. There will be a line out the door but don’t be discouraged because they are good at moving quickly. Order at the counter from the menus on the wall, find a seat, choose a drink and look around a little. Squeaky clean win-
985-A Garden of the Gods Road Colorado Springs, 80907 (719) 598-1088 www.mollicas.com
dows surround the deli case and dining area creating a light and lively atmosphere that is completely unpretentious. They stock specialty Italian dry goods, homemade sausage, pasta and sauces, and an impressive collection of meats, cheeses and olives that seem to have been somehow ferreted from the streets of New York City. The menu is extensive and contains all of the classics expected from a New York-Italian deli. Most sandwiches cost $7 to $8 and the combination of high quality ingredients, plentiful size and fast and friendly service will get you back up the hill full and in time for class, with leftovers and some change. Topping the restaurant’s list of hot sandwiches are the Grinder and the Bravo, both made from their signature homemade Italian sausage. The Grinder has links of sausage with provolone, roasted peppers and marinara, while the Bravo has sausage patties, provolone, roasted peppers, mayonnaise, lettuce and marinara on the side. I always get the Bravo because the mayo and lettuce combine to create a crispy and creamy concoction that is pleasing to the palate. Rounding out the list of hot sandwiches are the Hot Italian Beef and Hot Pastrami, both made from
premium meats sliced on the well-used slicer sitting nice and clean behind the counter. Mollica’s uses special recipe Italian rolls made daily just down the alley at La Bagette which are somehow dense, soft and chewy at the same time and hold up well to the seasoned au jus. Also, watch for the pizza specials - $10, huge, and including a dinner salad or cup of soup that are perfect to share. Many people prefer the cold sandwiches and salads which are expertly made by longtime employee Kenny right behind the counter. My favorite is the Dutch Lunch, which includes genoa salami, capicola (a spicy Italian ham), pepperoni and provolone, all artfully arranged on the plate and topped with giant house-seasoned Sicilian olives and pepperoncinis and surrounded by mayo, the good Dijon mustard, lettuce, tomato and a sliced Italian roll. This lunch is fun to look at, fun to eat and truly “old school.” If salads are your thing, Mollica’s has something for you: Choose between the small or large, actually large or gigantic sizes of Italian, chef, veggie or Mom’s pasta salads. Hidden amongst the suburban sprawl that is the Garden of the Gods corridor, Mollica’s Italian Market and Deli is a find that’s worth the hunt. ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Shopping for clothing locally in the Springs BY:
Byron Graham email@example.com
Shopping in Colorado Springs can seem like a daunting and fruitless prospect. Our city’s two malls have essentially the same stores and the ever-increasing numbers of empty store fronts confront the lackadaisical consumer casualties of the nation’s economic collapse. The enduring local clothing emporium in Colorado Springs is Lorig’s Western Wear. That’s right folks, Lorig’s: Outfitting the hayseeds that make me embarrassed to be a native for 75 years. What’s a fashionforward UCCS student to do? Fortunately, I’ve profiled
two of our fair city’s best boutiques, appealing to the budget-conscious as well as the image-conscious. Idorü: 218 N. Tejon, #100, 80903 Idorü debuted in downtown Colorado Springs in 2002. Since then, the boutique has defined itself as one of the few sources for haute couture available in the sleepy aggregate of exurbs we call our home city. The staff treats Idorü’s customers with the characteristic aloofness of high-end fashion outlets and tends only to materialize when it’s clear a sale is at stake. Once you have their attention, however, the employees are quite knowledgeable about the designs on the shelf and seem genuinely interested in making you look good. They won’t, for example,
cajole buyers into purchasing a pair of designer jeans that clearly don’t fit. Idorü has cornered a niche market here in Colorado Springs and accordingly, the clothes they carry can be prohibitively expensive. If $60 seems like too much to part with for a pair of jeans, don’t even bother to walk into Idorü, where premium denim brands like True Religion, AG, Diesel and 7 For All Mankind are sold for upwards of $100 for a pair. That’s a lot of money, but if one is so inclined, these brands are among the best-made and most durable money (I know, a lot of money) can buy. The store also focuses on modern fashions and innovative designers, which were hitherto only available in Denver malls. Idorü carries men’s
and women’s clothes, and smart shoppers can always find reasonable deals on their sales racks. Idorü has expanded its website to include online shopping, but admittedly part of the appeal of buying clothes here is carrying their trendy shopping bags around with you and feeling like one of the cool kids. The Leechpit: 708 N. Weber Street, 80903 The Leechpit opened its doors five years ago and quickly assumed its role as the de facto outfitter of Colorado Springs’ scene kids - you know, the gaunt, laconic emo kids who congregate around Boulder Street Coffee Roasters, who bum cigarettes from passersby and prevent me from ever getting coffee there? Yeah, those guys.
Propelled by low overhead and a viral street sticker marketing campaign, the Leechpit has weathered the current economic storms and has emerged as something of a local landmark. The Leechpit has even developed a popular punk insignia akin to Ralph Lauren’s polo player. Proprietor and the Independent local music columnist Adam Leech usually mans the counter at the store’s Weber Street location, which lends the Leechpit a quaint momand-pop charm, even if the pop in question is a pierced and tattooed rockabilly type who blasts obscure music throughout his store. The clothes here are in a constant state of flux, as the majority of the merchandise is billed as vin-
tage. “Vintage” in this case means that the items are usually bought secondhand and featured in the store. What the Leechpit does is essentially streamline the Sisyphean endeavor of thrift store shopping by finding the hidden gems thrifters so often seek to no avail and presenting them to shoppers for a slightly higher price. It’s a pretty brilliant business model which manages to capitalize on America’s pop-culture nostalgia craze. Admittedly, I more often shop at the Leechpit for its vinyl selection and assorted kitschy curios, but UCCS students can find some great styles here (again, it’s inconsistent as the inventory always changes) without going broke or developing an eating disorder. ◆
Upcoming tunes to rock your semester BY:
Randy Robinson firstname.lastname@example.org With the semester under way, being avant garde in the music scene can be difficult. There are quizzes, tests, readings and squeezing in what little free time you have to dilly-dally with friends. The Scribe has decided to do some of the hard work for you: this way, you can keep your head while maintaining the cool. Hip Hop/Rap – Charles Hamilton’s This Perfect Life. Demevolist/Interscope Records. Release date: TBA. You probably haven’t heard of anything from Charles Hamilton, but you will within the next year. Best known for his beef with Soulja Boy, Hamilton is unlike the typical battle rapper: he wears pink tshirts, flaunts his obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog, and promotes brains over brawn. If you’ve grown weary of the same old club bangers that’ve cycled endlessly on the radio’s rotation, this debut may be for you. Country – Ricky Skaggs’s Ricky Skaggs Solo: Songs My Dad Loved. Sk-
aggs Family Records. Release dat: Sept. 15 Ricky Skaggs is a veteran of country music. Beginning as a bluegrass musician in the 70s, then returning to bluegrass in the 90s with his band Kentucky Thunder, Skaggs demonstrates that homegrown, American roots music is alive and well. On Songs My Dad Loved, Skaggs takes the purity of his music one step further: all vocals and music were performed entirely by him. At a time when country’s been wrought with studio tricks and novel guest performances, Songs My Dad Loved will be a breath of fresh air. Rock – Pearl Jam’s Backspacer. Self-released. Release date: Sept. 20 Pearl Jam’s come a long way from their grunge roots. Constantly evolving over time, Backspacer draws its influences from a style very unlike Pearl Jam: New Wave. For you youngsters, New Wave was a genre popular in the 80s, characterized by airy melodies, electro sounds with heavy reverb, and men in mascara. Regardless of how their new sound fares, it should be an interesting listen. Pop – Mariah Carey’s
Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. Island Records. Release date: Sept. 25 Despite the ups and downs, Mariah Carey is still in the charts, and she’s still topping them. Memoirs will include samples from The Notorious B.I.G., Cyndi Lauper, and – oddly enough – Foreigner. Her fourteenth album will also feature the single “Obsessed,” an unofficial diss at rapper and industry rival Eminem. Indie – The Raveonettes’ In & Out of Control. Vice Records. Release date: Oct. 6 Combining mod rock from the 50s with gritty garage guitars and haunting electronic effects, the Danish duo The Raveonettes return for their fourth studio album. Wagner and Foo are known for singing simultaneously on their tracks, blending vocals both masculine and feminine into a delicious mix. For those who were hooked on their last album, Lust Lust Lust, this album is expected to carry on their retro reimaging. Electronica/Dance – Dirty Vegas’ Change is Now. EMI Records. Release date: TBA Dirty Vegas’s first single, “Days Go By,” was made
popular by a Mitsubishi car commercial and won them a Grammy. Then, with the release of their second album in 2004, One, they were lambasted by critics, going into hiding and eventually breaking up. After taking an extended vacation, the British pairing will be back in the studio grindin’ full-throttle with Change. Electronica enthusiasts, keep your fingers crossed, as this one is expected to return to their signature smooth-yetdanceable beats. Emo – Paramore’s brand new eyes. Fueled by Ramen Records. Release date: Sept. 29 Hailing from Tennessee, one of the last places most would think a big, popular emo band would call home, Paramore has enchanted the ears and hearts of countless youth since it got started in 2004. Despite being featured twice on the insanely successful film “Twilight,” the band members intend to keep rolling out new music, showing no signs of stopping. Their third album will be produced by Rob Cavallo, the same man behind such acts as Green Day and My Chemical Romance. ◆
Erica Doudna email@example.com Victoria Beckham, or Posh Spice to those of us who grew up during the 90s, recently proved the power of the almighty Hollywood gossip mill. After Posh stiffed a waiter at a Medieval Times in SoCal, the incident was quickly reported to TMZ.com, where Posh was bashed for her stingy ways. The website reported the slight, and two days later the injustice was quieted with a nice gratuity. The whole incident only leaves one to wonder if either A) Posh is cheap, B) Posh just forgot to leave a tip, or C) Posh is so terrified that people will think she’s cheap that she’s willing to pay hush money to the service in the form of a fat tip. Either way, the waiter at Medieval Times must really like his job right about now. Ellen DeGeneres obviously loves her new job as one of the judges for “American Idol,” especially considering she had to interview Simon Cowell to get in there. The displaced Paula Abdul is releasing statements instead of jumping for joy. Paula was quoted as having said, “Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck.” It’s interesting she chose the phrases “in her own right” and “only the best of luck;” the word choices of a woman scorned are always so tell-tale. Speaking of tell-tale, MySpace personality and reality TV star Tila Tequila is telling a California D.A. the tale of being “choked and physically restrained” by San Diego Chargers footballer Shawne Merriman. Merriman seems to be telling a different tale, which involves a drunken Tequila being “encourage[d to stay until safe transportation could be provided.” Whether or not the D.A. will file charges is still undetermined, but either way, Merriman’s shot at love has ended. ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
UCCS Women’s Soccer team poised for second year
Sky Sox Dreams: Why students should watch the minors
Sky Sox Baseball at Security Service Field The women’s soccer team works hard at an early morning practice BY:
Patricia Cameron firstname.lastname@example.org UCCS Women’s Soccer began their inaugural 2008 year with amazing success. For four games (including one exhibition) their opponents did not score a goal. Suddenly, success turned to mediocrity when one by one, four of their defensive stars fell to injury. Vulnerable, they found themselves losing by two, three, and four points. And if they scored, it was not often because they were so overwhelmed with trying to suture their defense. Opposing teams outscored them by 12 points in 2008. The first year of Mountain Lion’s Women’s Soccer went out with a whimper, an end that even the rookie team would not have predicted. This year, the RMAC ranked them 7th out of 11th in the preseason polls. The poll is created by RMAC Women’s Soccer coaches voting on where each team will finish at the end of the season (not including, of course, their own team). This may sound dismal because it would leave UCCS out of the RMAC Tournament, which takes the top six teams for tourney play. The head coach of the women’s team, Nichole Ridenour, doesn’t take offense at the prediction:
“[The] RMAC prediction is pretty justified by the scores. We could have been a little higher but we are pretty pleased about being seventh out of 11th for a second year program.” She also believes that the soccer team’s actual finish in 2009 might surprise people. “[We] are playing a very high-paced aggressive style,” she said, and this team could “compete with anyone” this year. Ridenour says this potential suprise finish has already been demonstrated by their first game, an exhibition against Division I Air Force Academy. The women returned to early 2008 form, holding off the aggressive Falcons to a double overtime tie. Air Force had twice as many shots (20 to 10) and UCCS never got a shot on goal. But the game demonstrates that the first few games of last year were perhaps not flukes. UCCS’ defense seems to be a competing force, capable of inching up a spot on the preseason rankings and making the RMAC tournament. “[This] second year we have more of a true recruiting class. It’s more people that fit into what we are trying to be” Ridenour continued. She mentioned sophomore transfer Meghan Royer as one of those standout recruits that have already made an impact on the team. Coming from a successful season at
Hastings College, in Nebraska, Royer was second team All-Conference in the Great Plains Athletic Conference. While at Liberty High School, Royer was named to first-team Class 4A All-Metro League as a senior. As of this release, Royer has one of the team total eight shots on goal. When asked who the team to beat was, Ridenour replied that Metro State, as always, will be the big challenge. They have won the RMAC for several years now, and holding tough against such a dominant team would say a lot for the sophomore program. Last year, after the injuries, UCCS lost 0-1 at home and 0-3 in Denver to the conference giants. When the teams meet again Friday, Sept. 25 at 4:30 p.m. here at the Lion’s Den, Metro will likely be prepared for a team that sees three of last year’s defensive stars returning. Ridenour is optimistic, even though the challenges ahead could prove troublesome for the fledging team. “We have a really solid team, the girls we brought in are contributing and coming along nicely. We [again] have a very strong defense after last year was plagued with injury. In any case, we will need that defense to stay healthy and consistent to make that RMAC tournament we so very nearly placed into this preseason.” ◆
Brock Kilgore email@example.com “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains,” are the immortal words spoken by Kevin Costner in the classic minor league baseball movie Bull Durham. The Colorado Springs Sky Sox wished it had continued raining on Labor Day afternoon in Tacoma. A rainout would have handed the Sox a division title but the rain stopped, and the Tacoma Rainers took off. Thanks to a seven run outburst in the bottom of the eighth inning, the Sky Sox missed the Pacific Coast League playoffs despite holding a seven and a half game lead mere weeks ago. The Sky Sox are the Triple A affiliate, or farm team, of the Colorado Rockies. They play at Security Service Field on the expansive northeast side of Colorado Springs. While playoff baseball might have meant extended prestige and a
paycheck, the real objective of all Sky Sox players and staff is the betterment of the Colorado Rockies. Players want to make it to “the show,” and the organization wants to win on the major league level. The Sky Sox lost so the Rockies could win. Most of the Sky Sox players players are, have been or will be the Rockies stars that shocked the world and played the Red Sox for the world title two years ago. A seat behind home plate costs a paltry $11, general admission is $4 and on Tuesday’s tickets, beers and hot dogs are $2. Notable Sky Sox from this year now playing for the Rockies are Eric Young, Jr., Josh Fogg, Franklin Morales and Matt Daley. Young, the son of the former Rockies second baseman with the same name, was named PCL Rookie of the Year and has made an immediate impact on the Rockies. Morales and Daley have helped give the Rockies a viable bull pen, something rarely experienced by Rockies fans.
Brock Kilgore Fogg has turned out to be a favorite among Sky Sox fans this year. Behind Young this year, the core of the Sky Sox unit were the “M and M’s.” Mike McCoy, Matt Miller and Matt Murton are all excellent hitters that will be wearing purple pinstripes in the developing National League West pennant race. Murton, who hit a staggering .324, played a few games for the Rockies earlier in the year and probably won’t be back to Colorado Springs next year. Miller, a left fielder, will be in the mix as a pinch hitter, and although shortstop Mike McCoy will likely never replace Troy Tulowitzki, he has a bright future as a backup leadoff hitter, base stealer and pinch runner. Students stuck in Colorado Springs next summer, who find that all of their friends have gone away, or who simply need something cheap to do, can find a summer full of inexpensive and entertaining activity watching the Sky Sox play at Security Service Field. ◆
September 17 to September 23, 2009
Sports Buzz: John Madden: No end in sight
Matt Crandall firstname.lastname@example.org
If you happen to be up during the late hours of the night studying or doing homework and flip on the television, you may notice there are some very odd yet interesting programs on. This was the case for me recently as I took a break from my incredibly exciting world of integrals, derivatives and functions. I was flipping through the channels almost religiously and hitting all of my favorite stations: VH1,
Spike, MTV, TBS and USA. Nothing promising came up so I diverted to my last resort, ESPN. No matter what time it is, day or night, ESPN always has something to offer latenight viewers. I was hoping to catch “Sports Center” or some tournament action of Texas hold’em, but alas, my late night programming fate was sealed with “Madden Nation.” Now, in case you are not familiar with this television program, let me break it down for you with a quick recap. John Madden was a coach and player in the NFL, but is most famous and remembered for his coaching days with the Oakland Raiders. He led them to a 1976 Super Bowl victory and amassed a coaching record of 103-32-7, with a winning percentage of 76.3 which holds as the best of all time.
Prior to retiring in 2009, Madden had great success as a commentator for NFL games. His familiar voice along with his obvious play-by-play commentary made for enjoyment during the Monday Night Football games. Madden holds a record 16 Emmy Awards for Outstanding Sports Analyst/Personality and is the only person ever to serve as sports-analyst for all four major networks (CBS, NBC, ABC and FOX). In 1988, Madden decided to endorse his own video game called Madden NFL, which will be heading into its twenty-second consecutive season of release. The game has shared great success over the past two decades and with so many incredible advancements in technology, the game is extremely realistic with its visuals, graphics and controls.
In 2005 EA Sports and ESPN Original Entertainment made a joint collaboration to create a reality show that brought viewers inside the life of Madden gamers. The show consists of players competing in elimination-style tournaments as they travel across the country in the Madden Nation Bus with the final destination ending in New York City where the finalists have a chance to win a $100 thousand grand prize. With a few seasons under its belt, Madden Nation continues to bring in players from all over the nation in hopes at getting a shot at the title. What better way to promote your new video game than to have a television show about your game with people playing the very game you are promoting? It’s pure genius. John Madden has been
able to capture success in nearly every aspect of professional football in a career that has lasted over 50 years. He played, coached, commentated and created a video game franchise, all centered on the National Football League. But at 74 years old, he must be done, right? Not quite yet. As of Sept. 10, Madden will serve as special advisor to Roger Goodell, the current NFL commissioner. According to source www.seatlepi. com, Madden “will serve in an unpaid position as chair of the coaches group in the competition committee and be part of a weekly call with Goodell or another NFL official to discuss issues from the previous week’s games.” With such an incredible career and dedication to the NFL, I commend John Madden for all he has accomplished throughout
the years. One thing, it seems, most people want to get out of life is to leave their mark, their legacy that they existed or contributed to the human race. John Madden will leave more of a crater-sized dent on the lives of many Americans, especially those who have or have had any interest in professional football. As a tribute to Mr. Football himself, here are just a few of his quotes courtesy of www.forums.allgames. com: “Here’s a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.” “From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.” “I guarantee you one thing; Jack Tatum never hit anyone from behind.” “The goal of football is to score more points than your opponent.” Thanks for the memories John. ◆
Sports Scoreboard: Sept. 8 to Sept. 15 Results
Men’s Golf on Tuesday, Sept. 15 Peaks Class: Final: 1st of 14
Women’s Soccer: 5:00 p.m. Home vs Colorado Christian: Friday, Sept. 18
Men’s Golf on Monday, Sept. 14 Peaks Classic: Day 1: 5th of 14 Women’s Soccer on Sunday, Sept. 13 Mesa State 1, UCCS 0 Women’s Volleyball on Saturday, Sept. 12 Nebraska-Kearney 3, UCCS 0 Women’s Soccer on Friday, Sept. 11 Fort Lewis 2, UCCS 0 Men’s Soccer on Wednesday, Sept. 9 UCCS 3, Colorado College 2 Women’s Volleyball on Tuesday, Sept. 8 UCCS 3, Colorado Christian 0
Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m. Away vs Regis: Friday, Sept. 18 Men’s Soccer: 7:30 p.m. Home vs Metro State: Friday, Sept. 18 Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m. Away vs Metro State: Saturday, Sept. 19 Women’s Cross Country: TBA Away vs Woody Greeno Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19 Men’s Golf: TBA Away vs Falcon Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19 Men’s Cross Country: TBA Away vs Woody Greeno Invitational: Saturday, Sept. 19 Men’s Golf: TBA Away vs Falcon Invitational: Sunday, Sept. 20
the news is full of contradictions
satire : irony : hilarity
Top Ten Situations where coffee is absolutely necessary
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Going home to see the parents. You know you have to be 100% to handle that situation, questions are going to be flying at you like crazy. English 141. It’s always an early-morning class, and there is never anyone in that class who wants to be there. Writing articles for your local college newspaper. It’s something that needs a little preparation. The morning after your allnight alcohol-fueled video gaming session. Whether its Halo or Smash Brothers, you’re gonna need some coffee in the morning. The last week of the semester for history majors. They spend all semester procrastinating their huge papers, and all the due dates fall on the last week. Any time you’re at Denny’s. It’s probably 3 in the morning, and you’ve just seen some crazy things. Go ahead, get some coffee. After the cops just busted your party in the Dorms, you’re gonna need a friend to sober you up. That’s why coffee is here. When your friend tries to drag you along to New Life Church. You’ll want to be prepared for anything going in to that situation. Tuesday mornings. Well, if the school is providing you with free coffee, why not feed the addiction? After you come back from the yearly Foam Party that OSA puts on, when it isn’t cancelled. Its not easy to process all the absurdity that you just went through.
Disclaimer: A collection of imaginary, usually cynical (adj. 1. Scornful of the motives or virtue of others, bitterly mocking, sneering) and almost – but not quite – baseless observations (n. 1. The act or faculty of paying attention or noticing…2. The act of noting a phenomenon…3. That which is acquired from or based on observing, such as a conclusion or rule.) on society (n. …4. A colony or community of organisms, usually from the same species), college (n. 1. An institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training...), alcohol (n. whiskey, gin, vodka, or any other intoxicating liquor containing this liquid), student government (n. 1. A group of individuals who allot outrageous amounts of student fees indiscriminately among student groups, and pretends to have power to do anything more than bitch), textbooks (n. 1. A book used by students as a standard work for a particular branch of study, 2. A surprising and startling portion of your college fund.),
SGA bans milk in effort to improve campus smell by: Ricky Dalldorf
According to a bill passed last week, the Student Government Association is officially banning the use of milk on campus. According to the terms of the bill, milk is being disallowed due to its “massive capacity to get old and become stinky.” Daniel Garcia, the current SGA President, was quoted saying, “Spoiled milk is disgusting. If someone leaves it in the fridge, it can make all the rest of the food in the fridge smell terrible, and it hurts people’s feelings. And that’s something that I as president just can’t let happen.” Reports about why the milk ban came so suddenly are varied, but rebel groups are being created left and right in opposition to what is being called “a reign of milk tyranny.” One popular group, Milk Makes Men (MMM), is claiming that the current Student Government legislation is aimed merely at oppressing the common man, as the organization teams up with local milk-alternative producers with its agenda to get everybody drinking soy milk. Others think it’s merely the SGA flexing its muscles and showing what kind of power it has over the student body. It appears that those in favor of this bill are in a dwindling minority. An unlikely enforcement partnership has been forged in the wake of this new change. Sodexo, the company that caters everything here on campus (The Lodge within the housing village as well as The Overlook) has teamed up with Public Safety, UCCS’s campus police station. In order to enforce the milk ban, there are now police officers and security guards patrolling both in the day light as well as during the night. So far, statistics look promising: On average, the new patrols have been documenting and ticketing upwards of five people a day. Student Jake Mustachio, who now goes off campus to drink his milk, explained in an email that according to rumors, SGA representatives are using this gavel to smash the hopes of UCCS freshman. In a sign of vigilantism, SGA Housing Senator Spencer Foote has taken it upon himself to gather up a band of his Kappa Sigma brothers and is making a 24-hour patrol of the entire campus, calling Public Safety every time a whiff of milk comes across their noses. Many UCCS students have come to protest this act, saying that it is unconstitutional and that the campus fraternal brothers are taking the law into their own hands. However, since they are protesting, these dissenters have been confined to the “Free Speech Zone,” which is located around the marble mountain lion statue. According to Garcia, however, most students don’t really care. Students opposing the ban have allegedly taken to vandalizing the campus with their opinions on the ban. Most notably damaged is The Lodge in Summit Village. “Milk is not a crime!” has been scrawled across the ground right in front of the entrance, in large block letters. When asked how they feel about the current legislation, Public Safety Officers just mumbled about enforcing the rules, not their opinions. Still, both Public Safety and the grounds crew here at UCCS have been unable to keep up with the amount of graffiti that has been displayed seemingly overnight. Chancellor Pamela Shockley-Zalabak made an official address to the school about the issue, stating, “You have elected these student body leaders. You have put them in this position of power, and this is what they have chosen. Vandalism isn’t going to change your votes from the past.” It would certainly appear that students will be eating their cereal dry from now on, at least until next year, when, the anti-ban students hope, elections see the milk-banning rule of the current student body come to an end. Contact the writer at email@example.com
“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs,
tuition (n. 1. The charge or fee for instruction, as at a private school or a college or university. ), cougars (n. 1. A large, tawny cat, 2. An older woman who seeks out young male lovers.), and so many more interesting but utterly useless tidbits designed to disillusion (v. 1. To free or deprive of illusion; disenchant.) the everyday (SEE ‘common’), common (SEE ‘everyday’), ignorant (adj. …3. Unaware or uninformed.) and uncultured student (n. 1. A person formally engaged in learning, esp. one enrolled in a school or college), as to what this wacky world (n. 1. The earth. 2. The universe. 3. The earth and its inhabitants collectively. 4. The human race.) of ours really is, via satire (n. 1. The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc., 2. A literary composition in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision or ridicule.) , and parody (n. 1. Any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event, etc., 2. To
imitate for purposes of ridicule or satire.). Many persons of sensitive constitution find such sarcastic, predominantly untrue reporting to be offensive and distasteful. However, all quotes and instances are wholly misattributed and without foundation. No more offense than necessary should be taken, though hate mail is always a good outlet if storming off in an irked huff doesn’t work. If angry state persists we suggest you contact your physician. If you find you are unable to take a bitter, explicit and probably tasteless joke, not reading anything at all ever might be the better choice. The Scribe is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure on the part of your brain to perform. This page is meant for enjoyable educational purposes. No children or animals were harmed in the making of this segment.
Resident assistants implicated in campus underage drinking scandal
The Den’s “crazy old guy” after a long day of “gyrating.” (Pictured with a freshman)
by: Byron Graham In an exclusive report to the humble Scribe, UCCS campus Police Sergeant Donny McGriddles has agreed to an interview in respect to last evening’s bust in the Monarch House dormitories. “That was a hell of a thing,” McGriddles recalls before taking a contemplative sip of his oily black coffee. “Well at first, we were responding to reports of visible candlelight shining from the windows of several rooms, so needless to say we were adequately armed, but I didn’t expect anything like this.” McGriddles lead into the crime scene, secured with a perimeter of cautionary tape and continuesd his tale: “When we entered the Monarch House, we could tell right away something wasn’t right. I detected the presence of alcohol, to my right a freshman girl was vomiting into a drinking fountain, to my left a naked man trying to wrestle a komodo dragon while a crowd of bookies cheered them on. “And then some crazy guy, too old for the dorms, was all gyrating in my face and shrieking something about Kublai Khan and damsels and dulcimers. We found the resident advisor in question lying sideways on a pile of lavish pillows, smoking a pipe lit by a candle.
[Contact the writer at firstname.lastname@example.org] I hadn’t seen anything like this since my days at CU Boulder.” Indeed, the halls of Monarch House bore the scars of its inhabitants’ rampant debauchery. The distress of witnessing our proud hall besmirched with DNA stains and broken bottles, covered in drips of candle wax and the sleeping bodies, was soon diminished by what was perhaps the most shocking wrinkle in an already appalling scoop: that this devilry was facilitated and indeed encouraged by University of Colorado Resident Advisors. The RAs, whose names The Scribe wasn’t permitted or entirely willing to print due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, lived in adjacent rooms which they had festooned with heavy curtains, and covered in Turkish rugs and pillows. Apparently well-liked by the very students they were hired to steward and sanguinely guide through their freshman year, the two had always joked about turning their rooms into “The Den.” Unfortunately, UCCS housing officials at first merely thought the pair chose an unconventional inspiration for their interior design, but had they known the two advisors were quite serious they might have stopped the transgressors.
Officials now know that within the first week, 80 percent of the Monarch House residents had not yet attended a class, as they were by then no doubt, fully ensnared in the deadly seduction of the big O, fearing the sun, lying on their hips and indulging in their deadly vice. “It started almost right away,” said a student named Martha Gulrugger, who asked unpersuasively not to be identified by The Scribe. “The RAs turned their orientation dorm mixer into an absinthe party. I descended into a substance-drenched haze from which I’m only now beginning to emerge… they were coooool,” she trailed off as sleep randomly overtook her. Many believe this occurrence is a disgrace to the university. Resident Advisors have a responsibility to their universities and their fellow students to discourage underage drinking and drug use, not to mention give everyone in the dorms the creeps. As of press time, McGriddles had no new specifics to report on the case. As it stands at the time of press, any and every one of the Monarch residents not currently in the throes of delirium tremens are wandering the campus, wailing for their demon lover.
cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center