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WORLD EXCLUSIVE

VANCE WANTS OUT!!!

The

Roosevelt News

STARS WITHOUT MAKEUP

Volume 90 Issue 5 April 1st, 2014 1410 NE 64TH St Seattle, WA 98115

JANE BARR TELLS ALL

>> PG 11

*ARTIST’S RENDERING TO PROTECT IDENTITY

NELSEN FATHERS ALIEN LOVE CHILD

THE REAL QUESTION: HOW GOOD WILL IT BE AT FOOTBALL?

WHAT’S WHAT’S REALLY REALLY GOING GOING ON??!! ON??!! VENDING MACHINE

CHEAT CODES!! >> PG 16

FRESHMAN ELECTION

RIGGED

LOGO

WHY OUR LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE RAINIER

‘R’

>> PG 3

MS. BARNES:

TIES TO THE

ILLUMINATI!!! >> PG 5


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NEWS

the roosevelt news

News Staff Puppet Presidents Lisa Colligan Ben Gauld Sophie Jones Humor Advisor Maddie Foley Prince Charming Adam Houston InDesign Wranglers Lisa Colligan Sophie Jones

april 1, 2014

This month in The Roosevelt News: News

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Spooky Sutton scandal APUSH black market soars Local bicycle gangs wreak havoc on RHS

Opinion

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A breath of freshman-less air Pride patrol

Sports

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A very bear-y hairy situation Kaepernicked

Arts & Entertainment

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News Editors Sophia Mosshart Menaka Narayanan

rick, after leading snakes from Ireland during March in 455 A.d., decided on the first of April to send the snakes back, according to legend.

Sportgame Editor Maddie Foley Puff Piece Editor Charlotte Hevly The Paperclip from Microsoft Word Karinna Gerhardt

Purported Creative-type Minions Lisa Colligan Anna Baatz Sophie Jones Emily Nordberg Amy Pelz Indie Minion Claire Nelson Cover Amy Pelz Buttpage Anna Baatz Emily Nordberg Supreme Leader Christina Roux Mission Statement The Roosevelt News aims to represent the diverse student population at Roosevelt. We strive to provide accurate, fair and unbiased news in order to increase reader awareness of issues apparent to the immediate and global community. We are a student-run publication serving students, staff, parents and alumni and are an open forum for opinions of all those we serve. Signed opinion pieces represent the views of the writers and not necessarily those of the Editorial Board. The Roosevelt News accepts signed letters to the editor. Please submit them to Room 235 or Ms. Roux’s mailbox or by email to caroux@seattleschools.org. The Roosevelt News reserves the right to reject any advertisement deemed unacceptable for publication. The Roosevelt News does not run illegal, hateful, or inappropriate advertisements. If you are interested in placing an ad, call (206) 252-4880.252-4880.

Crazy for Razors Cannibal!

This day in history: St. Pat-

Rant Editor Maddie Foley

Minions Maddy Axel Hannah Brown Hannah Fishbein Isabelle Galus Ben Gauld Alec Scully Julia Hower Forest Machala Sophie Reid Francois Rucki Malcolm Roux Madeline Sheppard-Marvin

The art of successful dressing Big business for Bonnelle the Candy Man

Spooky Sutton scandal Is she a friendly ghost or phantom menace? Julia Hower & Sophie Reid

Staff Reporters ast month, the Roosevelt administration began investigations into the activities of Spanish teacher Shelly Sutton. Rumors of ghostly activity have been surrounding her classroom for years, and we may be very close to a definitive answer to the eternal question: is Ms. Sutton truly a specter? As the spooky scandal unfolded, more than one traumatized student came forward with shocking stories. “I came in after school to retake a test… and I saw a floating transparent figure in a flowing earth tone dress,” said Grace de Mimsy Porpington, a sophomore and Spanish II student. “My first thought was to get Ms. Sutton, because she had always told [my class] that she was a world famous ghost hunter,” remembered de Mimsy Porpington. “But as it came towards me I realized the ghost was Sutton.” When asked what happened next, de Mimsy Porpington stared blankly at the wall and then wandered away. TRN reporters followed de Mimsy Porpington to the Teen Health Center, where she turned white as a sheet and collapsed. “This happens quite often,” Nurse Samara Hoag assured. “We at the THC have grown accustomed to treating supernatural afflictions.” Hoag treated de Mimsy Porpington with rock salt poultice and a temporary pentagram tattoo, and she is currently recovering in a stable condition at the THC sick room. De Mimsy Porpington wasn’t the only student to notice suspicious activity in Sutton’s class. Junior Buster White recalls, “I dropped my test as I went to turn it in, and I felt a chill travel up my body and Sutton was suddenly behind me picking up my test. It didn’t seem possible that she could have gotten over to me that quickly.” Throughout the investigation many

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students have reported similar phenomena, which begs the question: what is Sutton capable of? This unknown factor has caused panic and concern across the school, but veteran teacher Phil Opal calmly approached the administration this Wednesday to quell any and all fears. Opal has known Sutton for many years, and reports that “She may have floated through the wall of my classroom once or twice to scare me, but it was harmless. If you’ve had good interactions with her in the past, you have nothing to worry about.” However, Opal did imply that students who are on Sutton’s “bad side” in class may want to “watch their backs” for the next several weeks until the controversy dies down. In a recent press conference, Roosevelt alum and ‘Baby Got Back’ rapper, Sir Mix-aLot announced that he would be making an appearance on the hit show Celebrity Ghost Stories to tell his spooky tales of freshman year Spanish. Mix-a-Lot reported, “Señora Sutton was always a little strange. When she made eye contact with me, I felt like my soul was freezing over. I hope to uncover the real truth, not the garbage the school district is making up to avoid bad press.” Mix-a-Lot feels that Sutton is purportedly not as harmless as she seems. In an exclusive interview, he stated, “I am honestly concerned for the safety of Roosevelt students. I’ve spoken with p r o fessionals, and it seems that Sutton may be a poltergeist - this is the most malicious type of ghost.” As we await a response from the administration, students are warned to take precautions such a...

R.I.P. Staff Reporter Julia Hower. Miss Hower mysteriously disappeared on March 31, 2014, and was never seen again. These are the last words she wrote.


NEWS

april 1, 2014

the roosevelt news

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APUSH black market soars

Illicit trade of key terms in Roosevelt reaches shocking high Malcolm Roux

ald in the park, doing kung fu or something,” said sophomore Lincoln Steffens. “She looked really mad.” When interviewed, Principal Brian Vance said that he hoped students would “make good choices.” When asked about plans to deal with crime he said, “Good choices.” When asked what his favorite color was he said, “Good choices.” When asked if he was feeling all right, he said, “Good choices.” Many of the brighter freshmen and sophomores have recognized the possibility of a black market crackdown and have purchased their key terms before joining the class. “After hearing horror stories every day from the juniors I know, I decided I had to do something,” said Jack Andrews. “I bought mine in bulk within the first month of school. I got a generous 15% discount for buying the whole years worth.” He bought his as an investment in the future, not only to avoid work in APUSH, but also to resell them when he is done. “I expect a 10% profit margin, 20% if Ms. Grace doesn’t have another baby.” Despite their perceived advantage, many juniors are getting the short end of the stick by buying faulty key terms. “We need key term insurance,” demanded junior Eleanor Taft, “too often one can buy a key term sheet with falsified facts, and receive no refund.” To remedy this situation some juniors have taken to organizing a Key Term Union, certifying reliable key term providers, and forcing phonies from the market. The KTU asks that all prospective key term dealers inquire within R&R Hard Wear, where they will be handing out certifications for newly licensed dealers. However, this program is still in its infancy, and the KTU suggests that consumers still “check the facts of the key terms you are buying... remember, Teddy Roosevelt was purortedly NOT actually a teddy bear.”

Staff Reporter

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his year has seen a spike in key term-related crime. Although a key term black market has always existed on the margins of Roosevelt’s APUSH classes, this year’s junior class has elevated the illicit economy of buying and selling key terms to new levels. One of the most notorious key term dealers, who asked to be called by his codename, ‘John C. Calterms’ said, “We don’t like to admit it, but we all know that there are... easier... ways of getting key terms. Let’s be honest, we aren’t going to pass the test anyway, and what’s the big difference between a 10/20 and an 8/20?” He asked while menacingly leafing through stacks of homework and cash. Calterms has been selling his key terms all year, and has been noticing some changes from last year’s enforcement: “Last year we could not buy them as easily as juniors can now. It’s just not fair.” Many blame Ms. Grace’s temporary absence for the increased availability of key terms. “Last year many seniors were afraid of Grace’s not-so graceful punishment,” said a junior who also wished to remain anonymous, “but this past semester, there was no stopping them.” The lack of discipline has resulted in lower prices and increased availability. “I’m actually learning a lot about economics... I can only sell my key terms for 10 bucks a pop, while last year I had to scrape together 40 or 50 dollars to get some” said Calterms, while “making it rain” with a fat stack of key terms. Rumors of an aggressive sting operation by angry APUSH teachers have been circulating. “Let them come,” growled Calterms, “we can take them.” Never the less, the threat from cheated teachers is very real. “I think I saw Ms. MacDon-

Local bicycle gangs wreak havoc on RHS Hannah Fishbein & Lisa Colligan Staff Reporter and Editor

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oosevelt students encountered a graphic scene as they filed into school on Tuesday, March 9. Unsuspecting pupils glanced up into the big tree on the corner of 15th Ave NE and NE 66th St. to see a sophomore suspended in air tied to his bicycle. He had been in the tree since 4 a.m. that morning. Senior Bill Greece is the new leader of the notorious gang The Spokes, who may be responsible for the crime. “We [The Spokes] ride Official Buck Tweed Two-Speed Crime-Stopper Star-Hoppers. The air velocity maxes 600 kilowatts and the tire tread is unbeatable. Mess with us, we mess with your family,” Greece said as he ripped the head off a Beanie-Baby with his teeth. Greece joined The Spokes in his soph-

omore year. He was speeding down 15th at 3 mph, when then-freshman Emily Brake allegedly fishtailed her back tire into his. Greece woke up in the hospital with a broken soul, and so his unquenchable need for revenge was born. No one knows why Emily Brake did what she did, but one thing is for sure: The Spokes and Brakes’ gang, The Shady Chains, are to this day locked in a vicious conflict. The Shady Chains are infamous for their love of the earth. “Just because we are in a gang doesn’t mean we can’t be green,” said Brake. She and her gang of tree-huggers on wheels can be heard from miles away, literally. Their bike bells are made with recycled Mason jars, so when the bell is flicked, eco-friendly, innovative sound resonates throughout the neighborhood. The Chains particularly like to walk their bikes, according to Brake. “We like to take care of our members- placing pressure on your tailbone for an increased amount of

time leads to the softening of that bone. Over time, your butt will turn to mush. Literally. I read it on WikiFacts.” Greece, on the other hand, purportedly hates the environment. A sophomore member who wishes to remain anonymous confirms this: “One day as we were speeding away from school, Greece pulled out a gallon of radioactive water. After downing 3/4 of it, he belched and poured the rest onto a beautiful daffodil. He just stared as the flower disintegrated while blood ran from his nose.” So what ever happened to the victimized sophomore suspended in the air? “Oh, he’s still there,” noted Greece, “I figured, since this was my doing, I shouldn’t take the responsibility for it.”


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OPINION

the roosevelt news

april 1, 2014

A breath of freshmen-less air

In this age of extreme climate change, we need to do our part Julia Hower

Staff Writer

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t is widely known that Roosevelt has an exceptionally large freshman class this year. However, many are not aware of the serious effects the high frosh population is having on our school environment. Freshmen purportedly emit high levels of fossil fuels as they chug along to all of their classes, not to mention the gas they burn while they idle in the middle of the hallway or power through their backbreaking homework load. These emissions occur in addition to the “freshman flatulence,” which is similar to the methane releasing farts of cows, a contributing factor in the worldwide greenhouse gas effect. The rise in population and subsequent skyrocketing of burning fossil fuels has led to a dramatic increase of CO2 levels in and around the Roosevelt campus. This increase is detrimental to our school environment - greenhouse gases could even lead us to extinction as our resources slowly fade away in a changing atmosphere. Because of this, I propose that we move the freshmen out of the main building, preferably to the vacated houses across the street. This solution will nip the problem in the bud and provide easy access to our beloved 9th graders whenever we need them to lose at a game against the seniors in an assembly or block the hallway for a couple of minutes. For students who were just recently in the same building as 6th graders, coming into high school and seeing a senior with a full beard can be a bit of a culture shock. A move across the street will help new freshmen adjust to the high school environment before being released into the jungles that are the Roosevelt hallways. Taking classes in the somewhat mysterious build-

ings just outside our doors would also be an amazing rite of passage. Just imagine the stories they would tell at their 50th reunion as they reminisce about their days of boarded up windows, friendly stray cats, and a vague scent of urine. Although we may never reach ideal levels of air quality in the lowest level of the school due to the obscenely “stanky” locker room area, clean air is crucial to the health of this ecosystem. Sophomores have recently reported incidents of choking on dense, green fog as they experience their customary “first AP class gasp.” Air quality is essential to the sustained existence of juniors, who frequently have difficulty taking a full deep breath in between documenting the significance of Henry Clay and illustrating the US constitution. Most importantly, seniors also need clean air - how else are they going to breathe a wistful sigh as they take their numbered steps through the Roosevelt hallways? We will need to let the 9th graders take one for the team or else risk a dangerously unstable climate throughout the Roosevelt area. Unless we take action now, we all may perish. So I say, banish the frosh and let the rest of the school go back to the breezy, CO2 free days of yesteryear.

Pride patrol

Francois Rucki

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Staff Writer

hen the sorry-excuse-for-a-freshmen class arrived at Roosevelt High School in September of 2013, our beloved institution was tarnished by their lack of school spirit. Research done by the Roosevelt mathematics department concluded that there has been a 350% decrease in school spirit since the arrival of the class of ‘17. As our school’s most important and benevolent governing agency, ASR was forced to pause their crucial dance-planning schedule and take action. Since the controversial passage of the Pro-Spirit Act, many of our less-enthusiastic students have taken up arms against this violation of their so-called “free expression.” As an adamant supporter of this necessary measure, all I can say is that grey sweaters and dark-wash skinny jeans don’t express anything at all, and therefore don’t excuse their drab owners from discipline. The Pro-Spirit Act finally grants ASR officers the disciplinary powers they deserve by authorizing them to “mildly encourage” a spirited dress code by purportedly “hitting students with green and gold streamers, dousing them in green and gold paint, permanently dying their hair green and gold, and much more.” Punishment will begin on April 1st, 2014 and has no scheduled end date. “We are desperately lacking school spirit. Our goal is to increase school spirit. Punishing those without spirit is a highly effective way of accomplishing that goal,” said a spokesperson for ASR. I remember the hallways of Roosevelt High School as rivers overflowing with green and gold. As freshmen, my classmates never failed to proudly exhibit their glorious conformity. I approached Senior Vera Oro for her opinion. “When I was a freshman, I would feel bad if I wasn’t wearing any green and gold,” she said, gesturing proudly to her gold spandex, “If I were new to Roosevelt this year I would think that the school colors are black and brown.” According to the Pro Spirit Act, an undercover, an-

ti-non-spirit task force will begin to patrol the hallways, the commons, the library, the classrooms, and even bathrooms. Junior Sam Vert opened up in an interview with TRN on how the anti-non-spirit task force punished him in an unexpected raid last week. “I was sitting in math class when all of a sudden these two seniors ran into the room. I couldn’t tell who they were because they had so much face paint on, and before I could react they had grabbed me by the arms and were dragging me down the stairs towards the commons. When we reached the commons, they threw me into a mosh pit of a dozen students wearing green and gold jumpsuits…” At this point, Vert’s testimony was overpowered by his own shuddering sobs. After recovering from his tears, Vert repeatedly vowed to “never come to school without wearing green and gold again.” Not only do we lack school spirit, we have too much individuality. The best part of the Pro Spirit act is undoubtedly the crackdown on originality. With any luck, our halls will once again resemble the streets of an Orwellian green and gold utopia.


SPORTS

april 1, 2014

the roosevelt news

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A bear-y hairy situation Newcomer cubs put into unbearable circumstances

Maddy Axel and Maddie Foley Staff Writer and Opinion Editor

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eattle Public Schools is currently investigating reports of borderline life-threatening hazing among the ever-elusive Roosevelt bears. Around 7:30 on Friday, January 31, four of the new bears arrived on campus. Ted Rough, a new bear, reported that he and the three other sophomores had no idea what was to transpire. “We were under the impression that this would be a bonding experience,” stuttered a clearly traumatized Rough, “What we experienced instead was…unbearable. “The four unsuspecting cubs were forcibly loaded into a white van and brought the cubs to a nearby park where some Nathan Hale students were reportedly throwing a keg. The cubs were then forced to run through the crowd of drunkenly confused students, vehemently purportedly chanting, “LETS GO RIDERS!” “I felt like I had to prove myself. I wanted the upperclassmen to deem me a fierce enough bear,” said Rough. Impressing the ursa majors would prove a much more complicated task than any cub could have anticipated. After being pursued by the masses of zombie-like Nathan Hale students, the cubs were then ushered back into the presumed safety of the white van. A mysterious figure, shrouded in all black, revved up the engine and hightailed it to the nearest 7-11, leaving the confused partygoers in the dust. What the shaken but not stirred underclassmen thought would be a friendly snack-fueled reconciliation turned out to be stage two of the senior bears’ master plan. The cubs were each forced to down two notoriously sweeter-than-honey Mountain Dew Big Gulps: the entire 64 ounces. The shaken recruits were then informed that they would not be allowed to take of their bear suits for any reason, including, but not limited to, bathroom breaks. “I was starting to

panic because I desperately needed to relieve myself,” recalled Sally Rider, a new mascot. “The mountain dew was going to hit me at any moment. I could literally feel my bladder straini n g under the pressure o f the ‘dew.’” The ever-devious older bears proceeded to instruct the

Kaepernicked Alec Scully

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n the wake of the Seattle Seahawks’ emphatic Super Bowl victory against the Denver Broncos, the Hawks players and coaches devoted time to honor an opponent who is loved and revered among all Seahawk fans; 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. After being voted Seattle’s favorite athlete for the second consecutive year, the fans treated him to an even greater honor. The Hawks, accompanied by thousands of raucous fans, gathered at Century Link Field to unveil a statue of Kaepernick last weekend. The statue shows Kaepernick flashing his signature touchdown celebration of kissing his bicep, widely known as “kaepernicking.” “Seattle has always been like a second home for me, so this is a fitting honor,” the humble quarterback said, fighting back tears of pure joy and humility. “What can I say? The fans here love me. I should have gotten a statue months ago.” Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll advocated for the statue long before anyone in Seattle. “I was hanging out with my dude Jim Harbaugh when he brought up the statue idea, and I jumped on it right away,” Carroll said enthusiastically. Kaepernick’s five million dollar statue was happily paid for by Seattle taxpayers in a matter of days. “Just like that song in the Beats’ commercial goes, ‘I’m the man I’m the man I’m the man!’” Kaepernick said, chuckling to himself. The Seattle fan favorite has big plans for the offseason as well. Rather than donate money to charity like some lesser

Staff Writer pro athletes decide to do, Kaepernick is using his extra cash to build a tattoo parlor that is strictly designed to make arm tattoos mimicking his. “Nobody can be as handsome or athletic as me, and that’s a damn shame, but they can at least come close with the arm tattoos,” Kaepernick told eager customers during the parlors opening day in Seattle. “These Seattle fans may get to enjoy the Super Bowl victory, but Russell Wilson will never have my swag. Have you seen the photo comparing our Instagram posts? The guy’s a square. Opening this place was really the least I could do for the people of Seattle,” he purportedly said while beginning to sob into the microphone. The endearing display of emotion was just another reason why Colin Kaepernick will be revered by Seahawk fans for generations to come.

cubs to perform the Roosevelt fight song for the very confused 7-11 shoppers. At this point, all but one of the very-frightened cubs had soiled their suits. There was a new air of desperation among the underclassmen as the veterans showed no signs of tiring. “They just kept yelling at us to sing louder and not to pee our pants,” Rider reported, “I wasn’t really having fun anymore.” At around 1 a.m. the bear mascots rolled up to Cowen Park and released the downright terrified children from the white van. The veterans surrounded the newbies and began to quiz them menacingly on key terms the underclassmen wouldn’t learn for another year. For each incorrect answer the new mascots were forced to lick the underside of a nearby sleeping homeless man’s armpit. Wobbly and disoriented, the new bears were handed flash lights and told they had three hours to find all six hidden Roosevelt flags. “The veterans warned us that if we didn’t find all the flags, photos of us doing keg stands would be released to every college in America,” Rider explained. As the bears desperately scoured the park, hopelessly searching for the flags, the veterans drove off, telling the underclassmen to find their own way home. After miraculously finding all six flags and texting a picture to the veterans, the bears brokenly trudged back to Roosevelt and waited to be picked up by their parents. Roosevelt has always prided itself in its school spirit, but have initiations gone too far? The bear hazing this year was degrading, dangerous and unsanitary, as three of the costumes will now need to be deep cleaned. Administration has yet to decide on the punishments for these troublesome bears.

March Highlights: Champion spelunker lost in puddle. Science: New study find: sport is fun. Adam Houston takes up competitive kindness: sweeping victory predicted for playoffs Nigerian Sand Pirates on international victory: “Totes [sic] tubular” Basketball: March Sadness ends. Everyone loses. Hockey: players take up swimming as Global Warming moves north. Soccer: Many goals were made: team rejoiced. Praise. Track: Man crossed line first: was happy. Ripped Pants Incident of ‘95: purportedly lost but not forgotten.


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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

the roosevelt news

april 1, 2014

The art of successful dressing Four hot trends to incorporate into your fashionable lifestyle Sophie Reid

Ghille Suit

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verybody loves to couple that cute camouflage jacket with a pair of brown boots. But the same old camouflage becomes boring after a while, especially with everybody wearing the same one. Luckily, you don’t have to worry about losing your originality; the next big trend is here: Ghillie suits! Ghillie suits have traditionally been worn exclusively for hunting because the

Neck Socks

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Disposable Poncho

Staff Reporter

ith so many different garments, assembling and wearing an entire outfit on your slowest days can be too complicated. Wouldn’t it be great to have one trend-setting piece? That purported revolutionary item of the future is now available. Two words: Neck Socks. They are super easy; all you do is start from your toes and pull it all the way up to your neck. Now, if you want a more modest approach, don’t worry; they sell ear socks too. So do away with antiquated knee socks; for five easy payments of $1,000, you can become the sleekest student at your school. Simply tug the fabric up a bit higher and connect it to your earrings, all you have to do is pair them with a cute pair of converse or boots, because everybody

plants and shrubbery attached to the outside fabulously meld with the hunter’s environment. However, this natural number is now being brought indoors to schools and runways all around the country. Toss on a Ghillie suit, and all of your friends (and foes) will be steaming with jealousy. If the traditional grey-green Ghillie suit is too drab for your taste, then try Forever 21’s Very Cherry Tree Blossoms® Ghillie suit, a feminine alternative to swamp grass and cattails.

knows that high socks go best with boots. Many may worry about the design’s friendliness towards bathroom users. With this updated model comes the ButtFlapp®. This extra-versatile addition clips on super quickly, and is only obvious if people are staring for too long. You can now wear your Neck Socks 24/7, and don’t even need to put it in the wash; with extra breathable fabric, you can go years without smelling like road kill.

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cardigan is a great way to dress up any outfit. But it can be annoying when you can’t see that cute shirt underneath. Donning a chic, translucent and disposable poncho displays your entire shirt, while keeping you dry and comfy in case of any storm. Though critics reject this trend “due to the lack of versatility,” this could not be further from the truth. You can find these ponchos in an array of colors and patterns, such as Foggy Clouds, Milky White, or Translucent White. The best part is, after one wear, all you have to do is toss it, and grab a new one

from your pack of 10 in a whole different design and color. If you’re not convinced to get your very own yet, the disposable poncho is only one penny because they’re made by foreign children! Even better, they are 100% non-recyclable, so there is no need to deal with all of the difficult people who actually believe global warming is happening.

Cats as Uggs

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hen you are forced to wake up every morning at 6:00 a.m., the only outfit that seems fathomable is a comfy ensemble of worn-in sweats and soft slippers. The truth is you can never have enough fuzzy shoes. But after wearing your standard shearling boots for too long they begin to become boring as they lose their coziness and appeal. Next time you wake up, instead of putting on a pair of the same old Uggs, why don’t you try the newly created Cuggs? Replace your boring boots with the lovechild of two hot new trends: Uggs and cats. This simple footwear can be handmade easily, and only requires only catnip, glue, and two cats that are big enough to fit around your ankles. Dip your feet in glue, sprinkle them with catnip, and let them set for a few minutes. Then all you have to do is wait for cats to arrive.

Big business for Bonnelle the Candy Man Lisa Colligan

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Arts & Entertainment Editor

hose who have taken Jon Bonnelle’s chemistry course know of the trademark festivities designed to celebrate pupils’ birthdays. Students rejoice in jovial ice cream, pie, cake, caramel, and whipped cream eating. Bonnelle never fails to provide a sugary feast, but from where does it come? Suspicions are rising over what lies behind the door to the storage room. Students started noticing odd behavior from Bonnelle at the beginning of the year, during a class period devoted to caramel making. “He purportedly asked us to mix butter with sugar in a pan, and my first thought was to call my mom,” junior Shira P. Nell commented. Suspicion intensified as crystal lattices made out of rock candy and water beads replaced inedible ones. Reports of strange noises coming from the behind the so-called “storage room” door were said to sound like “Jump Around,” a hip-hop tune by House of Pain. “I chased my dream,” Bonnelle explained, as he and The Roosevelt News relaxed over a mug of hot homemade (rather, school made) chocolate. “I felt empty - something was missing. I decided to blaze my own trail.” That door in the back of his room may seem mundane, but behind it lies a world of, to say the least, pure imagination. Down the chute just to the

right, Roosevelt students can find fellow classmates churning cream, mowing marzipan grass, and cleaning the chocolate river to earn extra credit. “Infestation is one of the facility’s biggest problems,” Bonnelle commented. Ants, caterpillars, and ladybugs prove to be the biggest pests. How does Bonnelle mitigate this? “Pesticide. If that doesn’t take care of it, the bugs add extra protein.” The use of chemicals has provoked several Roosevelt biology teachers to protest the chemis-

try candy, but Bonnelle assured that “we are working towards an organic future.” “I chose to start hiring when a student approached me, during one of the monthly birthday celebrations. I remember his exact words,” Bonnelle reminisced. “‘Mr. Bonnelle, where do you get this ice cream?’ It was in that moment when I knew my secret needed to be revealed. I couldn’t go on juking my students by telling them I merely bought food at the market. They deserved to know.” Though teacher-student employment may be illegal, Bonnelle would rather lose his teaching job than lose his enterprise. One out of every five students is employed by Bonnelle, making his business a mainstay of the Roosevelt economy. Thank you, Mr. Bonnelle, for bringing dreams of sugarplums to our mundane, chemistry-addled lives.

Best of Bonnelle’s Bonbons Stamp Suckers: This tasty lollipop includes a stamp with every purchase. Carbon Chocolate: Don’t be fooled by the ball-and-stick model shape of these delicacies. The black ball which represents carbon is actually made of high-quality


april 1, 2014

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Crazy for Razors

Mayor tops Portland in scooter reforms Staff Reporter

Photos by C. Nelson and photo credits to bizjournals and wikimedia

Isabelle Galus

TRN Reporter Isabelle Galus and Mayor Ed Murray scooter along I-5 South. Both Galus and Murray are enthusiastic about the revolutionary changes that scooters will purportedly bring to Seattle.

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ver the past year, Seattle residents have become more environmentally conscious than ever. We’re ramping it up - literally. Our city is developing a new outlook on transportation that will renovate I-5 on-ramps and other major roads starting early next month. The project? Individual lanes for Razor scooters. Hidden from residents for the past six months, the finalizations of this concept have only recently been revealed. If you remember the joys of opening up a giant box during the holidays to find a Razor scooter inside, then you will be thrilled by this Seattle Department of Transportation dream-turned-reality. SDOT has acknowledged complaints from avid scooterers that the city’s bicycle lanes are simply too exclusive to bicyclists. In response, Seattle will now be opening six-inch wide “Razor Lanes” adjacent to bike lanes, in order to cater to the needs of commuters who need a little more pizzazz in their ride. Recognizing possible complaints from the already-enraged-about-bike-lanes citizens of Seattle, Mayor Ed Murray commented: “If it were up to me, everyone would have a Razor. It is simply faster, environmentally friendlier, and funner. My personal favorite is the one with green handlebars!” Doesn’t sound good enough? “We’ll throw in a free helmet, if you’re ready for it,” added Murray, literally jumping for joy as he “popped a wheelie” on a ramp at the Dahl Field skate park in Northeast Seattle. SDOT officials stated that helmets

will be distributed, free of charge, to all Seattle commuters. Although city officials are not currently “talking logistics,” it can be expected that all major roads will be shut down for construction from April 14th to the 30th. As a reimbursement for this short disturbance in traffic flow, Mayor Murray has seen to it that the “Hello Kitty” and “Sweet Pea” colors will be given as scooter options to commuters, for no additional cost. In the meantime, the Cascade Bicycle Club will be sponsoring an event this Saturday; President Daniel Weise said it will be “for future Razorers to form groups, mingle, scootiddy-doot a lil’ bit, and do some fun bonding activities.” Activities will include a Motorcycle Gang v. Razor Gang egg toss, an all-team potato sack race, and a short, live-action, reenactment of Al Gore’s movie, “An Inconvenient Truth” to remind everyone of the need for a greener method of transportation in the world. To disprove the popular misconception that Seattle’s roads are second to Portland in bike-friendliness, Mayor Murray proclaimed “WE WILL BE #1 IN SOMETHING! And that thing will be FUN! Pure, innocent, transportable fun!” He then tore down a poster in his office of Portland mayor Charlie Hales. Starting next month, our mayor’s statement may become a reality. Our reality will be the reality of the new Seattle. The fun Seattle. The Razor-sharp, Razor-friendly, Razor scootering Seattle.

the roosevelt news

7

Cannibal! Julia Hower

Staff Reporter

A

recent study by the University of Washington has shown that human meat is purportedly the most nutritious source of daily sustenance. Select cuts of human can be very lean and thus perfect for those counting calories. It’s also a great way to lose weight if you feel like cutting off a limb and cookin’ it up! A leg takes up about 20% of your body weight, and can make a great meal for the whole family - cut down your BMI and get a cheap meal all at the same time! Packed full of vitamins and minerals, the flesh of the Homo sapiens is an excellent source of protein and iron. Further reports suggest that human meat tastes most like veal, but comes without all the moral ambiguities of slaughtering baby calves. So far there are no reports as to the taste differences between young and old human, or how the victim’s- I mean livestock’s- diet affects nutrition value. However, the UW study suggests that humans who are raised organically and given lots of room to run produce the best meat. On March 21st, a butcher at Roosevelt’s local Whole Foods stated, “We have the optimal environment for exploring cannibalism. If you raise your livestock on our food, they are bound to provide lean, delicious meat. However, if you prefer to buy pre-slaughtered meat, we can also provide some free-range selections. Organic is always best – you can really get that fresh grassy taste in the hippie and locavore varieties.” The buzz around the emergence of human meat sharing practices suggests that our own flesh may be the food of the future. With vitamin supplements, the UW reports, we may be able to sustain ourselves indefinitely through cannibalism. This could lead to breakthroughs in our vision of the future - with a consistent source of food, many scientists are hopeful that we could survive much longer as a species on earth than they had originally predicted. NASA has also stated that colonies on the moon are now feasible without the worry of raising cattle and chickens for sustenance. They will be testing this development in their headquarters within the year, and hope to have prototypes on the moon with certified astronaut settlers by 2020. Republican politician Newt Gingrich gave his support in a press conference on Monday, saying, “I have always hoped to see a moon colony within my lifetime. Now, with the help of my long-preferred dining plan, it may be possible. I’m simply overjoyed!” As cannibal culture bleeds into the greater US arena, many restaurants have begun serving human and the Roosevelt cafeteria has even added a select cut of thigh to their proposed meal plan for next year. Cannibalism is the movement of the future, so we’d all better hop on the bandwagon or get left behind.

How to Make Lady Fingers Ingredients:

5-10 female fingers, as slender as possible 1 cup saliva Human milk 1) Remove nail polish from fingers, then remove the fingernails with pliers 2) Mince nails finely 3) Mix minced nails into saliva, and soak fingers in mixture for 10-12 minutes 4) While the fingers soak, curdle the milk over high heat 5) Shish kebab soaked fingers and sear over a hot flame 6) Drizzle with curdled milk 7) Enjoy!


Start Yes

No

Does their classroom have a storage room?

Have you Yes been inside it? No

They probably do, somewhere.

Stop lying.

ARE THEY USING THEM??

No

Do they eat lunch in the cafeteria?

On drugs.

No

Does your teacher have a first or fourth period prep class?

Yes

Yes

Is their hair dyed? No

Yes

Do they wear animal print socks?

Yes

Do they chew gum?

On drugs.

No Have you ever seen them in a public, non-school area? Yes

On drugs.

Do you pay attention at all?

Minty. What flavor? Fruity.

No Do you have a textbook in that class?

On drugs.

Unsure Unsure

No

Yes

Yes

Have you sniffed the pages?

On drugs. Yes

No You’re seriously useless.

They’re lined with drugs.

No On drugs. On drugs. On drugs.

Roosevelt High School 1410 NE 66th street Seattle WA, 98115

Accept now that it’s full of drugs. Move on.

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